King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 4 - Harlottown - full transcript

Okay, I'm at my
turnaround point.

My breathing has
just turned labored.

Just a little further, Bobby.

Flora, unexceptional.

Fauna, one box turtle.

I'm sorry, Hank.

This will not make my article

of "Arlen's Unforgettable Hikes
You Can Not Afford To Miss."

But we haven't gotten
to the best part yet.

Wait till you see
the Teakettle
of the Mount.

For years, this miracle
of erosion



has been a symbol of Arlen.

Now, I know what
you'll be thinking.

Could Mother Nature carve a hill
to look just like a teakettle,

or did early man
help her out?

Well, that's part
of the fun of...

Hey, look!

We're passing a dump!

The Teakettle!

...And the graffiti!

You know, if the Class
of '02 really "ruled,"

they wouldn't need
to write it on a rock.

You know what
we need to do!?

We need to march right up there
and clean up the Teakettle

and then march right back down
and clean my bathroom!



I say, since alien explorers
constructed the Teakettle,

it's their job to maintain it.

We can't wait
for alien explorers

to solve
all our problems, Dale.

I'm going to go
to the Mayor
and demand action.

Bah.

That Mayor is a shell,

a mere husk of a man.

The real power is with
that new City Manager.

He tells the Mayor
when to jump and how high

and often where to land.

Is that the guy

who turned the hoses
on the street musicians?

Good man.

That's my dad and me

in front of the Teakettle.

I'm, uh, pretending
I'm a teakettle.

So how quickly
you think

you can get a crew
up there?

It's about 3:30 right now.

Hank, I wish I had the money
to clean your rock.

Heck, I wish I had the money

to pipe hot fudge
into every house in Arlen.

Who's talking about that?

But I was hired away
from Henrietta, Oklahoma,

to get Arlen's
financial house in order.

Now, should I spend
the town's limited funds

on fire engines and police cars

or on helping you
recapture your childhood?

Well, I never said I...

( clearing throat ):
Excuse me.

Mr. Gilbert,
I am a member

of either the fourth
or fifth estate,

the journalistic
community.

How would you like

the Arlen Bystander's
endorsement next election?

I'm appointed,
not elected.

Oh.

How would you like
to get a recipe published?

Folks, if you'll excuse me,

Henrietta, Oklahoma,
didn't turn itself around,

and neither will Arlen.

Mister, you are just asking
for a letter.

I am not gonna
let this go!

If the city won't help me
clean up the Teakettle,

I'll clean it up myself!

And I will cover your story
in the Bystander!

I'll rally hundreds
of affluent, active,

slightly elderly readers.

Hey, maybe you can write

something about
the Teakettle's history--

show everyone
why it's so important.

You fight
the impossible fight.

I will make it important.

Teakettle, eh?

Someone jump from it?

No.

Hmm... Helicopter
smash into it?

No.

Well, a word of advice
from one scribe to another:

Our readers like stories
they like to read.

The Teakettle's a loser.

Abandon ship.

( sighing )

HANK:
I worked all day

and barely scratched
the surface.

Oh, don't give up hope.

It turns out
that the kettle

was a big name
draw in its day.

President Garfield
was here before
his assassination.

And look-- the Texas Rangers
built a fort next to it!

There is the 1884 Notre Dame
football team...

and Mark Twain...

Wow, the Texas Rangers
and Mark Twain!

Our little Teakettle, huh?

And there's more!

Arlen used to be
called "Harlen,"

but over the years
the "H" was dropped.

Maybe someday Houston
will become Ouston.

Who are these ladies?

You are not gonna
believe this,

but Arlen was
founded by women!

This one lady here

owned the largest
pork ranchero in town,

and this one was one
of the Governor's
closest advisors.

Well, keep digging, Peggy.

This is the kind
of gold we need.

Oh, I'll dig all right, Hank.

My brain is a shovel.

Bob, these archives
only go back to 1870.

Where are the earliest issues
of the Bystander kept?

Couldn't say.

There is an old closet
in the break room.

But it's sealed off

by the fridge.

Too bad.

Looks like your story
ends there.

( grunting )

( gasps )

It wouldn't be work,
Bobby.

It would be
a "work party."

You and your friends
would be scrubbing
the Teakettle,

but you'd also be listening
to the radio

and taking short breaks.

Let me tell you
what I like

and don't like
about that idea.

( phone ringing )

Hill residence.

Meet me at the Bystander.
Now!

What's going on, Peggy?

Did someone put a possum
in your desk again?

Hank, dignitaries
and Notre Dame athletes

never came to Arlen
to see the Teakettle.

Well, of course
they did.

You showed me
the pictures!

That was a convenient
cover story.

The real attraction
was something far different.

Hank, before Arlen was
Harlen, it was called...

"Harlottown?"

What does that mean?

Harlot town.
Town of harlots.

Call girls, molls, pink
pants-- prostitutes.

Our beloved Arlen
began life

as the most notorious
brothel in Texas.

What?

"Harlottown"
became "Harlen"

because people were in
such a rush to get here,

they didn't have time
to say "Harlottown."

But the Texas Rangers...

They were johns, Hank.

I know this is hard.

Maybe this Katzenjammer Kids
comic will give you a chuckle.

I can't believe they're...

How could they even find
11 women who would do that?

My research shows
that Arlen started off

as a watering hole
on the Chisholm Trail.

Some enterprising women
invested in a tent and a cot

and Harlottown was born.

Great reporting, Peggy.

Let's get all your
notes in one place

and I'll fire up the grill.

Hank, you are not burning
my story on the patio.

I am a journalist,
and I will not kill a story

because it's unpleasant.

Sooner or later,
the sun is gonna
crash into the Earth.

And if I survive,
it will be my duty
to report it.

You can't tell the town
it was conceived in sin.

I have to.

Now if you will excuse me,
I am on deadline.

"Even with a thousand
head of cattle to
keep them company,

cowboys would
get lonely...."

"During the 19th century,
the Teakettle was so popular

"that when a gentleman went
to sample a harlot's wares,

it was said that he had
gone 'teakettling.'"

( laughter )

BILL:
If I'd been
around back then,

maybe I would have rescued
one of those teakettling ladies,

and she would have been grateful

and lived on a farm with me
for a few years

till she ran away
with a traveling preacher.

( sighs )

Dad, the City Manager
is on the phone.

He wants you and Mom
in his office ASAP.

( groans )

HANK:
I want to apologize

for my wife--
she made a mistake.

How about she publishes
a retraction,

does a couple of jury duties

and we forget
this ever happened?

There was no mistake.

I don't care
if you throw me in jail,

I am not revealing
my sources.

Aren't your sources
just old newspaper clippings?

I will neither confirm
nor deny.

No, you don't understand,
I loved your article.

It got me thinking,

we should clean up
the Teakettle,

share our town's colorful
history with the world.

What?

Maybe I'm missing
something here,

but if we tell people
we were founded
by prostitutes,

they'll know.

That was over
a hundred years ago.

When people look back on--

Wait, I have an equation
to explain this.

Scandal plus time

equals tourist dollars.

Look at Salem, Massachusetts.

Almost everyone thinks
burning witches is bad now,

but Salem is using
their unique past

to bring in tourist dollars.

I've been there, Hank.

They have a sewer system
par excellence.

Plus it's educational.

Hank, if we do not learn
from the past

what's the point
of even having one?

That's going in
the brochure.

Hank, it is really no big deal.

I mean, you never objected
to Miss Kitty on Gunsmoke.

What about her?

Come on, they had
all those rooms upstairs,

she didn't charge
enough for drinks.

( sighing ):
Not Miss Kitty...

Dad, what did
the men do all day

when the women were
out prostituting?

Aah!

Did your mother
write another article?

No, it's my history homework.

Hank Hill! Kahn Jr.
just ask me

how much hugs cost
in 1870.

This your wife
Peggy Hill's fault.

The kind of thing
we should cover up,

not teach our kids.

You don't have to tell me.

Peggy.

She's not home, Dad.

She's at some committee
meeting for the Teakettle.

Oh, God, now's there's
a committee?

That's the last step
before a task force.

I got to get down there.

I go with you.

We really tear into Peggy Hill
and those other pervs.

RAGTIME SINGER:
♪I'm going to Harlottown ♪

♪Where the gals treat a gent
with two dimes like a king ♪

♪Yes, Harlottown ♪

♪Where you only have to ask
to get most everything. ♪

This is fantastic.

Look at all these treasures.

Oh, it would be a crime

if we didn't put them
on display somewhere.

Are you talking the main glass
case at the central library?

Bigger.
I'm talking about a museum.

Our very own
historical museum.

The Arlen Heritage Museum.

What could be more
educational than that?

Yeah. Museum
sounds classy.

You haven't voted
yet, have you?

Because we vote "nay."

Careful, Hank.

That is an important artifact

for the Arlen Heritage Museum.

"Shave: 25 cents,
deluxe shave: four dollars"?!

Oh, God.

What you people doing?

I didn't move out of
cesspool of Anaheim

to let you wreck
this little town.

Kahn, you surprise me.

I thought you were
the more sophisticated type.

Huh? Uh, oh...

Oh, Ted, I not
see you there.

I... uh...

Oh, this the kind of stuff
you talking about for museum.

Oh... very progressive.

I'm in.

Instead of teaching
this stuff to our kids

and building a museum
of shame,

why don't we celebrate

the things our town
is proud of--

the Arlen Soldier
and Sailor's Home,

the petrified wood collection...

That will all
be there, too, Hank,

but the founding mothers
are the money.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, then,

it seems like
just about everybody

wants to move forward on this.

The question is, "What's the
best way to tell the world

about Arlen's rebirth?"

Idea: What if we renamed
the upcoming Arlen Days Festival

"Harlottown Days?"

I would be willing
to dress up like a sheriff.

I'll be your deputy.

( chattering )

Sign a petition and get
a free gift: a clean town.

You know what I like
about you, Hank?

You don't care how
unpopular your ideas are.

Unpopular, huh?

Well, Mr. Coyle here
happens to agree with me

that we don't need this museum.

Oh. I thought this petition
was in favor of the museum.

I can't wait
for Harlottown Days.

( country music plays )

Save Arlen's virtue!

Hey, Sheriff Ted,

maybe we should arrest Hank
for disorderly fuddy-duddiness.

PEGGY:
Hey, Hank, look.

I'm proposing

this is what all
the tour guides will wear.

GILBERT:
Is everyone having fun?

Harlottown Days has been
a smashing success.

Everything is on track
to make Arlen

not just a tourist stop,
but a destination.

( applause )

That means lower taxes,
new street signs,

fire trucks and police cars.

And it's all going to begin
right here in the center of town

where we're going to convert
the musty old

Soldier and Sailor's Home

into the new Arlen Museum
of Prostitution!

"Why don't you come up
and see us sometime?"

Arlen Museum of...
Well, I don't...

An erotic bakery?

A gentlemen's reading Room?

Where's the crafts wing?

Where's the empowerment
exhibit?

And now

the big news:

Apparently the "secret" of our
little town has gotten out,

and Arlen is the new home
of the Texas Adult Video Awards.

Adult video?

Oh, God.

As we speak, they are rolling
out the red carpet

at the Arlen Junior College
Auditorium

for the Adult World's
shiniest stars.

( cheering, applause )

( marching band plays
"I'm Going to Harlottown" )

( jaunty rendition of "I'm Going
to Harlottown" continuing )

I should have just
let history stay buried.

I should have stuck
to my old beat

of reviewing pancake houses.

Yeah, well, you
were good at that.

( sighs )

Let's get going.

The porn people

will be hitting
town any moment.

Why are we going
to Durndle?

No offense, Dad,
but you're not

a let's-just-go-to-Durndle
kind of guy.

Uh, I just thought it'd be
nice to get out of town.

Looks like a breakdown...

It's some of...

them.

Now, we shouldn't jump to...

Oh, God,

a sport jacket with no shirt.

Well, maybe they
are... that way,

but they're also
disabled motorists.

We have a duty.

Peggy, watch the boy.

What's the problem, Randy?

We did a whole movie
about a flat tire!

I'm trying, okay?

Uh, you folks need a hand?

Hey, this part happened
in the movie, too.

Thank you.

I cannot be late tonight.

I'm getting a lifetime
achievement award.

Well, congratulations,
I suppose.

( loud metallic churning )

You do know your transmission
is shot, right?

Uh, can we borrow
your transmission?

I mean, just for tonight?

( sighs )

Just get in the truck.

I guess we can drop you off
at your awards show.

Hank, what are
you doing?

Peggy, they tried to fix their
engine by changing the tire.

They'll die out here.

Wow! A real limo.

I wish I could have
ridden in that.

You ever been
in one, Mom?

Have I! If I had attended
my prom, certainly.

So how did you folks
get into the movies?

Hank? Bobby?

Hi, John Redcorn.

Were you heading
someplace?

I have a gala.

Well, I was hoping you could
look after Bobby for a bit.

It's kind of important.

( sighs )

Would you like
an organic Pop-tart?

You've sure got a lot less
pawn shops

than where we usually have
these things.

What's that?

HANK:
That's the old Arlen
water tower.

CANDEE:
It sure is beautiful.

Beautiful and it has more rivets

than any structure
in Central Texas.

You know, I grew up
in a small town just like Arlen.

Of course, I can
never go back.

Well, you still have your...
career?

Hobby?

Career?

Actually the lifetime
achievement award

is more of a kiss-off.

It's like
the industry's saying,

"Thanks for the 400 movies,

we're real tired
of seeing you do it."

Uh... right.

So, you're out
of the business.

What's next for Candee?

Well, I used to dream of
having my own little shop

selling baby jewelry
or sparkly tennis shoes.

But who would want
to buy that stuff

from someone with my past?

You know, Candee,
the women who started this town

were of, uh, similar repute.

But the moment they had
a chance to quit, they did.

Look, that granary was built

by our founding mothers.

And that pork
processing plant.

I thought places like this
only existed in the movies.

Not my movies.

Yeah, well, thanks
to our new city manager,

and your awards show,
and the Museum of Prostitution,

it's pretty much never
going to be the same.

This is wrong, Hank.

And believe me,
I know wrong.

There has to be
something we can do.

( chattering )

Candee, where were you?

We almost gave the lifetime
achievement award

to someone else.

Do you know
your lines, Hank?

Yep.

These decorations look
tacky and inappropriate.

Yeah, when I played
this out in my head,

things looked a lot better.

Especially the people.

VANCE:
Good evening, everyone.

Today marks the beginning
of a special relationship

between Arlen and the
adult film industry.

So, welcome,
Texas Adult Video Awards,

to Arlen.

"Come up and see us sometime!"

And now,

the stars come out.

The recipient of the
Lifetime Achievement Award,

Candee Lace.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you, everyone.

I want you all to meet the man
who made it possible

for me to be here tonight,
Hank Hill.

Hank?

Who's he?

Is that her first director?

No, that would be
Nicholas Ruggles.

You all know I've played
a lot of love scenes

in the movies,

but today I fell
head over heels for real.

I'm announcing my retirement
from the adult film business

so I can be

with my true love-- Arlen.

No offense, guys,

but I don't want this kind
of smut in my town.

We have a choice to make.

Which version
of Arlen do we want?

The uncut, X-rated one
with shocking footage,

or the PG one that's grown-up
but still appropriate for kids?

Now, who here wants
to sign my petition

to turn Harlottown

back to Arlen?

I do, Hank!

Now, who else?

Petitions, I've got petitions!

Share the pens, people.

Let's take
a deep breath, everyone.

In my Arlen, there won't
be any parking meters.

Property taxes slashed!

Free garbage pickup!

I'm the candyman.

"Arlen, come up
and see us sometime."

"Arlen, come up and
see us sometime!"

Huh, kind of puts a new
complexion on things

when sleazy people think
we're too sleazy.

You know, I was

the first person to come
to Hank Hill's side on this.

( clears throat )

Thank you, Mayor.

Looks like decency isn't so
unpopular after all, eh, Vance?

Wow. She really

cleaned up nice.

"In 1902 Mark Twain stood
on this very spot

and remarked on Arlen's
natural beauty."

Dad, this was
almost worth the hike.

I don't want to take
my eyes off of it.

I don't know how to thank
you for everything, Hank.

Can I get you another
pair of shoes?

No, no. These are fine.

Fine? They're great!

REDCORN:
I have a gala.