King of the Hill (1997–2010): Season 10, Episode 3 - Bill's House - full transcript

( coughing )

Are you drinking
tea, Hank?

No. And so what if I am?

You don't
look so good.

Maybe you got the
flu bug, honey.

I'm just tired.
I'm not sick.

Whatever you say, sicky.

( sighs )

ENRIQUE:
You gotta go there.

The margaritas
come in a glass

shaped like a gecko.



STRICKLAND:
That sounds
muy caliente.

Hey, you got the
funny pages?

( moaning )

That you,
ol' top? Hey,

how about tossing me
another roll of T.P.?

I'm working on quite
a... project in here.

( moans )

( retching )

Told you so, honey.

( weary sigh )

Peggy?

Shut the door, Dad.
It's freezing.

( coughing )

Ugh. You guys are sick, too?



Ugh. Clark Peters sneezed on me.

Stupid kid.

Can't even cover his
mouth when he sneezes.

( sighs ):
He should be expelled.

Hank, our prescription
should be ready.

One of us needs
to pick it up.

Okay.

I've got a fever.

Plus, I cooked
us dinner last night.

You just dumped a bunch
of crackers on a plate.

Besides, I've got
a fever and the chills.

Bobby, you always wanted
to drive to the store, right?

All right, fine.

I'll do it.

You guys had crackers
for dinner?

Why didn't
you wake me up?

( moans )

Looks like the aliens
finally got Hank.

At least they
had the decency

to put his
pajamas back on.

Not like with me.

Whatcha guys lookin'...?

Oh, my God! Hank!

( gasps )

You're burning up.

He's lying here sick,
and you didn't help him?

So insensitive.

Actually,
we thought he was dead.

There you go, Hank.

Now, don't you worry.

Bill is gonna
take care of everything.

Bill?

Yes, Hank?

I have to throw up.

That's okay.
I'll get a bucket.

But not my good bucket.

Of course not.

Everybody comfy?

Now here's your remote
and the TV Guide.

You'll see
I've highlighted a few things.

There's a movie
with James Garner and a Doberman

I think you'd both enjoy.

Oh, you are so
thoughtful, Bill.

I'm gonna
start dinner.

You two holler
if you need anything.

If I make it
through this,

I promise to be
a better kid.

I'll do my homework,

take out the garbage,

you name it.

If I make it through this,

I promise to learn
how to ride a bike.

You don't know how
to ride a bike?

I grew up in Montana,
Bobby.

We rode horses,
though a bike

probably would
have been better

because I wouldn't
have had to castrate it.

Mmm-hmm.

Very nice.

Congratulations.

You're all a perfect 98.6.

I noticed we're out of juice.

I'll pick some up
in the morning.

Well, thanks,
Bill,

but we're all
feeling so good,

maybe we should just
take it from here.

PEGGY:
We appreciate
all you've done,

but you do have your own life
to get back to.

No, I don't. I can stay.

Really, it's no trouble.

Well, thanks
anyway, soldier,

but you are
relieved of duty.

I'll just dish up your lunch
before I go.

I made my Nana's chicken soup

( voice cracks ):
with the squiggly noodles.

( whimpers )

( whimpers )

Hmm.

Bill?

Uh, Bill, you were gonna
poison us, weren't you?

Yes,

but just a little bit.

Don't be mad.

I'm not mad, Bill.

The truth is,
until you tried to...

"induce vomiting," you were
great at taking care of us.

You got a real
knack for this.

Do you really think so?

Sure. I bet there
are other people

who could use
a guy like you.

Maybe you oughta
think about volunteering.

That's a great idea.

The world's filled
with sick people.

I'm gonna look into this
right after lunch.

Uh, Bill, we're
gonna throw away the soup.

I understand.

Look at all these great
volunteer opportunities.

They're letting men
be candy stripers now.

Huh.

At this place,

you can teach hip-hop dance
to troubled teens.

I'd be happy to show you
some of my sweet moves.

Yeah, yeah, hee-yah.

( gasps )

"Wanted: Patient, caring people

"to assist in light chores
and conversation

at sober living facility."

Huh. A halfway house.

That sounds perfect
for you, Bill.

I bet you could help
a lot of folks over there.

Yeah, you're great
at conversation.

If Nancy didn't make
me get off the phone,

I could talk to
you all night.

I'm going down
first thing tomorrow.

Can't wait!

Well, Bill, that's
what Opportunity House

is all about.
Any questions?

Can I start now, right now?

I like your spirit.

You remind me of myself

during my first relief trip
to South America.

Yup. I used this to serve beans
to the people of Belize.

I keep it as a symbol of my
promise to serve my fellow man.

Oh, that's a great spoon.

I'm glad you
stopped by, Bill.

Opportunity House is always
looking for good people,

especially now that we're
expanding the facility.

So where do
you need me?

I'll do anything.
No job is too humiliating.

Well, that depends.

There are two kinds
of volunteers--

people who care,

and people
who really, really care.

Which one are you?

I really, really care!

You have a passion
for helping people.

That's very Bono.

I like that.

Well, I saw Bill leave

for the halfway house
this morning.

He was wearing
his blue shirt.

I love that shirt.

You know, I think Bill's
finally found his thing.

Hey, guys. Great news.

I got my very own alcoholics.

What?

Yeah.

Opportunity House
is too crowded,

so I'm taking some of the guys
until they can expand.

I even got a sign.

So Bill's house
is now "Bill's House"?

All right. This way.

A halfway house?

This is all I need--
a bunch of jittery drunks

breaking into my house and
rummaging through my guns.

Yeah, man. I don't
want them takin'

no dang ol' 12 steps
on my lawn, man.

Now, hold on.
We all thought

it was great
that Bill was working

at a halfway house before.

So it has
to move temporarily.

It's gotta go
somewhere, right?

KAHN:
Hey, hillbillies,

what's going
on over there?

Some alcoholics followed
Bill home from work.

He's keeping 'em.

Boozehounds in neighborhood?

Bah! I'm going home
and deadbolting doors

so drunks
don't steal my mouthwash.

Kahn, these guys
aren't criminals.

They're good people trying
to get back on their feet.

and they're not
gonna be here long,

so just cut them,
and Bill, some slack.

Yeah,
that's not really my thing.

I've never had
so many people for dinner.

I had to put
the leaf in my table.

Thanks for saying
I should do this, Hank.

Yeah, thanks, Hank.

Heck, you're the one
doing the good deeds.

Here's to you, Bill.

Oh, that's sweet,

but I'm gonna have to ask you
not to drink in the alley.

I'm sorry,
my mouth was full of beer,

so I may not
have heard you correctly.

Mm-hmm. We at Bill's House
are focused

on a temptation-free recovery.

Well, if it's only
for a couple of days.

It's weird.

I know it's not there,

but I can feel
the can in my hand.

I tell you,

I'd become an alcoholic

if I could just eat Bill's
lasagna one more time.

You're clearing the table.

Okay, mister, what'd you do?

Nothing. I'm just cleaning up
like a good kid would.

Like I promised...

and if I remember correctly...

Oh, that.

That was
the fever talking.

We were out of our minds.

You made a promise to Jesus.

Damn it.

Now. that's what I call
some refreshing iced tea.

I like it.

I really, really like it.

Yes, I am one
satisfied tea drinker.

( Dale chuckles )

( yelps )

Beer?

Dang it, Dale.

Bill said
no alcohol in the alley.

Now, this means
a lot to him.

We need to help him out.

Come on. Bill can't
take care of those guys.

How many times a week
does he have popcorn for dinner?

He doesn't even pop it, Hank.

MAN:
Hey, brothers!

He's coming
right at us.

Shut up, Dale.

He's just being a good
neighbor and saying hello.

Hey, there.

Hey, man.

Name's Mikey.
Got 48 days.

Feeling good,
gonna make it.

Happy as hell to meet you.

Sun's shining, great
day to be alive,

but for the grace
of God, am I right?

I'm optimistic, focused,
got my eye on the prize,

know what I'm sayin'?
I'm tuned in, feeling good,

happy as hell to meet you.

Hey, brother!

Well, he seems,
uh... nice.

( man sobbing )

Bill?

Let it all out.

Oh, hey there, Hank.

Oh sorry.

I, uh,
I heard male crying.

It's okay, we're just
in the middle of group.

Randy here
had a breakthrough.

( loud sobbing )

I see.

Wait, you're in charge
of therapy?

Oh, sure. It's one
of my many hats.

I do the cooking,
cleaning, rec time.

That sounds like a lot.

It is overwhelming
sometimes.

But in a fulfilling way.

( beeping )

Oh, no, I forgot.

Hank, I have to run
to the pharmacy,

pick up their meds.

Could you cover group?

I won't be long.

We're working on taking
emotional risks.

( sobbing )

Uh, hello.

Hello, friend.

I'm Stuart,
and I'm an alcoholic.

Okay.

They called me Appleseed
for 15 years,

but that life of toad licking
and cherry wine is behind me.

Now I've got a sober name

for a sober future.

I got something to say.

Uh, are you sure?

I feel nervous
and excited and thirsty.

I lost my favorite T-shirt,
and my big toe itches,

and I hate my dad.

All right then.

Lesson one:
Getting to know your bike.

Let's start
with handlebars.

Oh, just give me
the freakin' thing.

But you haven't even heard
the part about balance.

Bobby, I'm sure
riding a bike

is just like swimming--

you hold your breath
and kick like crazy.

( deep breath )

( yells )

Mom, are you okay?

You don't know how
to swim, do you?

Not so much.

We're out of milk?!

I just bought this milk!

I'm done
taking out the trash.

Hank, they've eaten everything.

Oh, there's more to do
than I thought.

Can you watch the guys
while I'm at the store?

They're making clay ashtrays.

What happened to the ones
they made out of seashells?

Mm-mm.

( sighs )

All I'm saying, friend,

is that you're bogarting
all the clay.

Well, I smoke more,
and I got five days on you.

Whoa, let's not start judging.

You judged me first.

Hey, nobody's
judging anybody.

Now it sounds like
Stuart is feeling, uh...

Just give him some clay.

Hank, look who I found
in the driveway.

It's my boss, Mr. Draper.

You've got a heck

of a bighearted
friend here, Hank.

Thanks.

What a guy. I wish I had

a hundred Bill Dauterives.

Yeah, the thing is,
you only have one.

And he's working
himself like crazy.

Both of us are, actually.

We've even had to dip
into our vacation days.

Addictions don't take
a vacation, Hank.

Good thing there are people like
us who really, really care.

Yeah, we're still
pretty tired.

Anyway, how's that addition to
Opportunity House coming along?

Spectacular.

We open in a
couple of weeks.

Hey, maybe you can
cut the ribbon.

( laughing )

No, really, I'm
going to cut it.

( rock music playing )

So I see your new best
friends the alcoholics

got a basketball hoop.

Give it a rest, Dale.

I don't have
the energy right now.

Hey, brother,
toss me the ball.

Man, I love hoops.

Went to a Spurs game

before I got with
the program--

long story short,
lost my job.

MAN:
I do so have H-0-R!

Gary, we agreed

the court is a
no-conflict zone.

Okay, Mom, now
let's discuss potholes.

Bobby, I can do this on my own.

That being said,

if you let go of this bike,
you will never see TV again.

You're doing great, Mom!

Don't let go,
don't let go
don't let go.

He let go!

( Peggy screams )

( crashing )

What? You did.

HANK:
Boy, just think.

In a couple days
these guys will be gone,

and neither of us will ever have
to sit in a circle again.

I've kind of grown attached
to them, though.

This doesn't mean you have
to stop volunteering.

I'm sure they're gonna need
you at Opportunity House

after the big expansion.

You're probably right.

His first night here,

Randy thought this sock
was trying to kill him.

( sighs )

( vehicle approaches, stops )

What in the...?

What's going on here?

Just dropping off
some people at Bill's House.

Dropping off?

BILL:
Hank!

There's so many of them!

There's already a line
for the bathroom!

Wait, no.
No, no, no.

You're supposed to be
taking people away.

No place to take 'em.

Opportunity House is closed.

What?!

It'll be fun,
right, Hank?

Yeah, just like
a giant sleepover.

Only we'll never
get to sleep.

That's stinkin'
thinkin', Elroy.

Anyone counting days?

Well, they took my car
and my crossbow.

This is crazy.

You can't have
this many people

living in your house.

And I can't keep
taking time off work.

I said I'd help them, Hank.

It may kill me,
but I'm going to do it.

I just have to really, really,
really, really care.

Oh, God.

Look, we need to
talk to Draper

and tell him you
can't do this.

Excuse me, where should I sleep?

When's dinner?

I need a meeting!

We're losing them!

Call Pizza Joe's
and tell them Bill

needs eight of his usuals.

God grant me the serenity...

ALL:
to accept the things
I cannot change,

courage to the change
the things I can...

( doorbell rings )

Hey, Mr. Draper.

Nice place you got here.

I didn't know
they had gated
communities in Arlen.

As you can imagine, I was
worried about diversity,

but Dr. Rawalapindi
is from Bangladesh,

and the Kims are
from Korea via London.

It's a regular
U.N. in here.

So anyway,
we need to talk

about Opportunity House.

Sure, Hank.
Come on in.

Just brewed some coffee.

WOMAN:
Mr. Phillip,

they got the hummus stain
out of your tuxedo.

Wonderful, Dominga.

Mm, this coffee is Fair Trade.

With every sip you can
practically taste

the Guatemalan family
being uplifted.

Dominga's face lights up
every time I ask for a cup.

And I am almost done reading
Fast Food Nation.

Okay.

So what happened over
at Opportunity House?

Funding fell through.

Damn bean counters.

I wish they could look
in the eyes

of the people
they're hurting.

Listen, this is too much
for Bill and me to handle.

These people can't stay
at his house anymore.

Okay. No problem.

Why don't you tell me who
to throw out on the street.

What?

Or maybe we should just tell
people to stop being alcoholics.

Not so simple, is it?

Listen, these guys are much
better off sharing bedrooms

in Bill's house
than sleeping in some alley.

You're telling me those
are the only two choices--

crammed in Bill's house
or homeless?

I'm afraid so.

Listen, Mr. Draper...

( horn honking )

Sorry, Hank, my ride is here.

Dominga, what's the
Spanish word for "empathy"?

Uh...

empatía.

That's my little girl
over there.

That's mine over there.

( yelps, groans )

( loud )
♪Don't stop believin' ♪

MAN: You gotta work
the eighth step.

That's the key to success.

She won't let me back
in the house.

Hank, tell me Draper
had good news!

I'm an alcoholic.

I know! I know!

I'm just so tired, Hank.

And I'm so far behind.

I haven't even had time
to collect the checks yet.

What checks?

The ones the guys get
from the government.

We have to get them signed
and sent over to Draper.

Oh, and some of their hands
shake a little.

Could you help 'em out?

Draper gets 600 bucks
a month from each guy?

And that's not enough to keep
Opportunity House open?

I guess not.

Damn bean counters!

Bobby, I think
today is the day.

Sit down, Mom.
We need to talk.

I think we have to be
honest with ourselves.

You're never going to
learn how to ride a bike.

But I...

It's over, Mom.

Jesus knows you tried.

DRAPER:
Hey, it's me.

Listen, I think we need
more big-ticket items

for the silent auction.

Remember, we're buying cows
for Haitians, here.

Well, yeah, after we recoup our
costs for the goodie bags.

( shouting )

I'm going to have
to call you back.

Hey, Mr. Draper.

Good of you to come over and say
hi to your new neighbors.

Neighbors?
What do you mean?

This is the new-and-improved
Bill's House.

We just rented it.

Yeah, we figured this place

was a much better use
of their money.

So I had the guys sign their
checks over to Bill

instead of you.

What?! You can't do that.

Well, I already did.

Now they have plenty
of bedrooms,

a rec area, a nice pool.

Maybe some swim therapy,
huh, Bill?

They would
really enjoy that.

Oh, and, uh, you'll probably
have to check in on them

every now and again.

But you don't
mind, right?

People like us really,
really care.

Well, hey, I don't have time.

I'm going to be
Rocking the Vote

for the next two months.

You'll figure something out.

Oh, you might want to warn your
neighbors about the smoke.

And their basketball games
get kind of heated.

Hey, brother,
name's Mikey, feeling good.

Happy as hell
to meet you.

Got to fake it
till you make it.

Boy, it sure is quiet.

Yeah.

I found a cigarette butt
in one of my planters

and almost cried.

So how are the guys doing?

Oh, they're great.

I was over there today
giving haircuts.

I heard Mr. Draper is
starting construction

on Opportunity House again.

Yeah, I thought
that might happen.

BOOMHAUER:
Yo, man.

Yep.

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

Man, my tolerance
is way down.

MIKEY: Went to a Spurs game--
long story short, lost my job.