How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 7 - The Stamp Tramp - full transcript

Guys, I'm going
through something kinda hard.

Since Quinn and I broke
up, she's gone back to dancing

at The Lusty Leopard, and it's
just really tough because...

'Cause you have to
find a new strip club?

I have to find a new strip club!

I've been going to The Lusty
Leopard for seven years.

Wow. That's like 49 in perv years.

Sixty-nine.
Self-five.

Look...

without my open wallet,

The Lusty Leopard would be nothing.

Thanks to me,
they've been able to expand

and take over that soup
kitchen next door.

Now I'm a free agent,

and all the strip clubs are after me.

Mr. Stinson, we might not have

the best strippers at Moneyballs,

but we use sabermetrics to get
you a stripper with a five body,

sure, and another with a
butter face, but together,

with their tireless
grinding, we guarantee

a high on-pants percentage.

I gotta be honest with you, Fred,

I can't really see myself signing
with the Golden Oldies.

Well, that's what
everyone says... at first.

But our GILFs have got class.

They've got maturity and experience,

and the kind of
mind-blowing flexibility

that only comes from
advanced hip dysplasia.

Barney, the Lusty Leopard
would be lost without you.

I think you're really gonna
like a couple of the girls

we just pulled up from the minors.

Don't leave us!

Wow, you're like the LeBron
James of strip clubs.

Actually, you're probably tied
with LeBron James for that title.

LeBron isn't all that.

The Cavs are doing great without him.

Yeah!

Hey, guys, you will
never believe who I ran into

outside of work today.

It wasn't the guy handing out coupons

in the hot dog costume, was it?

Baby, there's no
reason to be scared of him.

I'm not scared of him.

It's totally normal to
see a hot dog with a face.

No, it was Brad, my
old law school buddy.

I almost didn't recognize him.

Marshall?

Brad?

Bro!

Oh, hey!

What a kick-ass day!

I run into you, some sucker throws away

most of a perfectly good hot dog...

kick-ass day!

You still doing corporate law?

I got downsized two years ago.

It's been rough.

Going through a little bit of a depresh.

But just today, boom!

Huge job prospect.

Here's your application.

Just tell them I sent you.

I bet you could fit in the bratwurst.

Bratwurst with a face.

What'd I tell you?

Looks like I'm about to be on a roll.

Sounds like that
guy could use some help.

I know! That's why I said...

You know, I'm at Honeywell & Cootes,

and they're looking
to hire an associate.

I could totally recommend you.

Leave the wounded behind!

'Cause Brad is an old
friend who needs a job.

Why shouldn't I give him the old

Marshall Eriksen Stamp of Approval?

Marshall, you're a stamp tramp.

How dare you!

And what is that?

You give your stamp of
approval to everything.

It's become meaningless.

It's like when my mom likes a movie.

It just means Richard Dreyfuss is in it.

Marshall, you love everything
and everyone.

It's-It's what I love about you,

but it's also why your
stamps are total crap.

Give me one example.

How about when you turned your boss

into a fountain of bodily liquids?

You guys like it?

I'll be waiting for
you in hell, Eriksen.

In my defense, that
restaurant's health rating had just gone

from an "F" to a "D," and
I wanted to reward that.

Marshall, you're already on thin ice

with that horrible Honeywell guy.

Don't risk screwing things
up more right before

your biggest case ever.

Okay, Honeywell is not horrible,

he just has a bad temper sometimes.

And he holds a grudge.

He's kind of defensive about his height.

And he's cheap.

And he made those secretaries cry.

But, deep down, he is a great guy.

Heck, he gets my stamp, too.

Stamp tramp.

Well, maybe this isn't the moment

to stick your neck out for Brad.

Well, that's not how I was raised.

Back in St. Cloud, we believe in people,

people like Gudren Olsen, the
town wino who became our mayor.

They even wound up
naming a bridge after him.

The one he drove off.

Marshall, why can't you
be more like your wife?

Lily's stamp is gold.

I'm reading this book because of her.

I'm drinking this beer because
she recommended it.

I'm even wearing this bra because

of a lingerie store Lily told me about.

Uh, if anyone's got the golden stamp,

it's old Teddy Westside over here.

Please. You're a piggyback stamper.

How dare you!

And what is that?

Allow us to demonstrate. Lily?

Hey, guys, I just found a
great new sushi restaurant.

It's called Katsu...

yoku. Katsuyoku.

My idea. I'm Ted.

- Nailed it.
- Totally.

Okay, Ted, name one
cool thing you've given

your stamp to first...
- Dr. Berkowitz.

that isn't an
ear, nose and throat doctor.

Man, these strip clubs want me so bad.

They're sending me
T-shirts, beer cozies.

Sticky's even sent me

a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer
dispenser.

It's clean and dirty at the same time.

That's it? T
- shirts and beer cozies?

That's disrespect, son!

Here's what you do:

Hit a few strip clubs in
Jersey and Long Island.

Jersey? Long Island?

Why would I go to a Third World nation

to get my knob wobbled?

Well, you wouldn't.

But when the clubs in the city hear

you're sniffing around across the river,

those beer cozies and T-shirts turn

into Rolexes and fur coats.

Especially from that
strip club, Fur Coats.

Wow. That's genius.

You're hired.

What do you mean?

I want you to be my strip club agent.

What is wrong with you?

Well, I just figured I'd ask...

No, I was talking to myself,

because, for some reason,
I really want to do that!

Oh! Oh! What am I wearing?

Just proof of a
stamp I know I gave first,

from a little band called...

Dishwalla.

Who?

Dishwalla! Come on!

They had that whole,

"Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God" song.

Oh...

Look, I'm not saying they're
my favorite band,

but for a little while in college,

we were all into that song,
and it was all thanks to me.

But I turned you on to Dishwalla.

No way! I played them on my radio show.

I mean, pirate DJ Dr. X played them on

his beloved radio show.

We all know you were Dr. X, Ted!

And I'm the one who
got us into that song.

No! No! On his beloved radio show,

Dr. X pointed out that the chorus went,

"Tell me all your thoughts on God"

# 'Cause I really want to meet her. #

Her. God's a woman.

And it blew the minds

of everyone
listening to Dr. X that night.

Which was pretty much
everyone on campus... including me.

I'm not Dr. X.

Oh, so you're saying

credit for the stamp
goes to Dr. X then, not you.

Okay... I'm gonna tell you
guys something right now.

Take a sip. Follow my lead.

I'm Dr. X.

No!

I hope this works out, bro.

I couldn't even get my
leg in that bratwurst outfit.

Don't be nervous. Honeywell
is gonna love you.

Sweet! Freebie muff-tops!

Can I pour you a pocket of coffee?

I didn't say you were fat.

I said that dress
makes you look fat! Idiot!

Hey! You must be Brad!

I'm excited to meet the man

Eriksen's been talking up all week.

Mr. Honeywell, I have to say,

your environmental work is amazing.

Come on, it's not
like I'm saving the world.

Oh, wait, yes, I am!

Great.

Marshall tells me you have

the big Gruber
Pharmaceutical trial coming up.

I'd love to give you
my thoughts on the case,

but I can't take full credit.

Most of these are from my psychic.

My psychic always pushes
for a settlement.

But my numerologist says roll
the dice with the jury.

I'm waiting for my astrologist
to weigh in,

but he can be kind of flaky.

You know, Cancer.

Should know more
after he's back from chemo.

Good luck, bro!

You know the best part about
you challenging me on Dishwalla?

- Didn't challenge you, don't care.
- It made me

dig up my old video
diaries from freshman year.

And somewhere in here
there's gonna be proof

that I am not a piggyback stamper.

I have my own original ideas.

Didn't you only do the video diaries

because of Winona
Ryder in Reality Bites?

No.

I don't know what you're
talk... shut up.

Let's just watch.

How do you even know
there's gonna be mention

of Dishwalla on those tapes?
- I don't.

And it may take me
days to go through them all,

but that is how
committed I am to the truth.

Hey, you guys should check out
that song by the band Dishwalla.

Really? I've never heard of them.

Damn it!

So?

A lot of

strip clubs are into my client.

If you want the Melon
Patch to be in the mix,

we're gonna need bigger
melons and smaller patches.

Otherwise, your
establishment is not where

Barney Stinson is gonna pitch his tent.

B
- Dawg, Barn Door,

Stinson-natti,
Bro-hio!

Talk to me. How's it hangin'?

You are killing it at this agent thing!

I just got a big box at Yankee Stadium

from the ladies at The Big Box.

Mm-hmm.

Golden Oldies

just sent me a fax
machine and a Charo calendar.

- Mm-hmm. - Aren't they
out of the running?

Yeah, but those old
bitches don't need to know that.

Yeah, I just feel kind of bad.

They just spent eight grand

on that wheelchair ramp up to the stage.

Hey, Larry, how's
everything at the Beaver Dam?

I don't even know that strip club.

Oh, it's not a club.

My cousin Larry is a
forest ranger in Squamish.

Oh, yeah?

Then I was fired from

Bed Bath & Beyond

for telling inappropriate jokes.

I mean...

get a sense of humor, LaShonda.

You know how "they" are.

"They" meaning Bed Bath &
Beyond employees, right?

Hmm?

No. Women.

That still could have been worse.

Thank God I ran into Marshall.

This guy's supportive as balls.

And here I am.

Yes, we both owe
Marshall a debt of gratitude

for getting you this interview.

Eriksen...

can I see you outside? Sure.

Good. Try to stay out
there a few minutes.

I just cut one, and I can tell
it's gonna be a slow burn.

What is Generation X?

What does the X in "Generation
X" stand for?

What do we stand for?

Why aren't people on
campus talking about this?

Maybe you should do a radio show

and call yourself Dr. X.

I just had an amazing idea.

Just turn it off!

I can't look away.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God, I'm putting on a beret.

You were there.

Why didn't you tell
me that looked stupid?

Ted, that beret looks stupid.

I look magnifique!

Marshall, that man is the
human equivalent of what came out

of my body after eating that
soup you recommended!

This guy's your friend?

Really more of an acquaintance
than a friend.

No backpedaling.

You're Marshall Eriksen.

You believe in people.

You know what Brad hasn't told you?

He was third in our class at Columbia.

That is impressive.

And I suppose he did
warn us about the fart.

He's a great guy.

Please... give him just one more chance.

Two more minutes.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you for being proud of me.

You went undergrad to Holy Cross?

That's my alma mater.

I went there on a
basketball scholarship.

No way. I played center.

Uh-oh.

Why is that so shocking?

'Cause you're,
like, an itty-bitty fella.

Hey... fish, huh?

Fish are crazy, right?

You guys ever think about fish?

I am six-foot one, sir.

Bro, I'm at least a
foot taller than you.

Well, then I guess that makes
you a freakish seven-foot one.

What do you call fish with no eyes?

"Fsh".

I am six-feet and one
inch, and I'll prove it.

Eriksen.

How tall are you?

Seven feet.

So, we've got a deal somewhere?

We sure do.

You are the new face of...

and exclusive customer to...

Golden Oldies!

What?

I thought we ruled them out!

I don't remember that!

Now let's go. It is 4:00,

and their dinner show
starts in ten minutes.

Wait a minute.

- Oh...
- Is that a Rolex?

Huh. What do you know?

How did that get there?

Anyway... so initial here and...

Where'd you get the bling, Robin?

Uh...

They bribed you.

They bribed you!

Why else would you pick a
place where the strippers say

they're trying to put their
grandkids through college?

Please leave!

Barney, I can explain, okay?

Please...

leave.

Say it, you giant beast!
Say I'm six-one!

Maybe if you stood on
top of that pot of gold

you have at the end of your rainbow.

You know something?

You're nothing but a...

a tree man!

I never want to see
you again, tree man!

Fine.

I have to go to the little boys' room.

Not your office.

I need to take a dump.

If that's the type of guy you vouch for,

I can't trust your judgment.

You're off the
Gruber Pharmaceutical case.

No...

Oh, good, we're up to the
time I got my ear pierced.

Do it, do it, do it, do it.

Don't do it! Don't
do it! Don't, don't.

Okay, do it now. Do, do, do it, do it.

Don't, don't do it! Don't
do it! Don't do it!

Don't! Yes, you can do this. You can...

That goes on for 45 minutes.

Hey... how was work, baby?

Remember how I always wanted to know

what it was like to be a ghost?

Well, I don't want that anymore.

Okay, suppose we lead

with the carbon
testing of the residue water.

How do we keep the
jury engaged? Anyone?

You could bring up the survey from

Dr. Pasquesi's testimony.

Anyone?

Anyone who isn't dead to me?

Then you have to earn
Honeywell's trust back.

Just start small.

Put your stamp on little things

that have nothing to do with work.

Like a funny video.

I... I may have something.

Don't think, Mosby! Do it now!
Oh, my God, I'm doing it!

Wow, he's a real bleeder!

And then you build to
something else small, like a tasty snack.

Don't sleep on the popcorn.

Try mixing the caramel and the cheese.

It shouldn't work,

but... it... does.

There's no way caramel and
cheese... That's good!

That is good. Oh!

And when Honeywell starts
trusting your stamp again,

he'll seek out your opinion on things.

Be honest, Eriksen.

Is this deep-V working?

And that's when you lie your ass off.

Sir...

I think you could go even deeper.

And before you know it...

Eriksen, get in here.

you're back on the case.

Ted, why are you torturing yourself?

None of us were our best in college.

Oh, my God, I love my hair there!

I always thought I was
this kid from suburban Ohio

who had this innate
sense of judgment and taste

and just showed up to
college and wowed everyone.

Now I have concrete proof that I wasn't.

I was a total gomer.

Maybe I still am.

Wait... that's the giant suit

Marshall wore on our third date.

So...

Marshall Eriksen,

you just came back from your
third date with Lily.

How was it?

Great, yeah.

I just... I think I'm
falling for this girl pretty hard.

But is everything happening too fast?

I mean, maybe I should see other people.

Whoa, dude, no!

Lily Aldrin is special.
You hold on to that girl.

She is.

I'm only 18 and...

Marshall, you being
18 isn't a bad thing.

It just means you get to spend
even more of your life with her.

I mean, I'm probably
not gonna meet my wife

until I'm, like, 23.

You're right.

What am I thinking?

I'm in love with this girl.

Ted, oh, my God.

You gave me the ultimate stamp.

And in my whole life, this life...

it all goes back to that moment.

I mean, maybe take a month
off, bang a couple chicks.

Lily's not going anywhere.

- Hey, Barney.
- Hey.

Um, look, I'm sorry about
the whole skimming-off-the-top-

of-the-strip-club-swag
thing.

Hey, it happens to everybody.

Really? Because even
as I said those words,

they did not feel like a real thing.

Hey, look, wherever you end
up, can I have the dubious honor

of buying you your first lap dance?

It's a date.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's
time for "The Decision".

Yeah.

Ladies, my bro-dium?

Yeah.

Look at this!

Man, this whole free agent experience,

it's been an unbelievable experience,

a real humbling experience.

First of all, The Lusty
Leopard is where I developed my game.

Oh...

I have nothing but the
utmost respect for you skanks.

He's just gonna stay
at The Lusty Leopard.

They have loyalty and heart.

I bet you he rewards that.

LeBron moved on, Ted. So should you.

But Barney Stinson
has to do what's right

for Barney Stinson's penis.

In this fall... This is tough.

Um...

in this fall I'm going

to take my talents to Mouth Beach.

The next day, Uncle
Marshall went to court

for the biggest case of his life.

Hey, Marshall! Bilbo!

Brad? What are you...?

Did you just get hired

by Gruber Pharmaceutical's legal team?

Oh, not just.

I've been working for
them for two years.

I heard about the job
opening at Honeywell & Cootes

and knew that if I hung
out in front of your office

and pretended to be down on my
luck, you'd take pity on me,

get me an interview...

Try to stay out there a few minutes.

I just cut one, and I can
tell it's gonna be a slow burn.

and buy some alone
time in the conference room.

I got your firm's strategy for the case.

Muchas gracias, bro-migo.

He's really more of an acquaintance
than a bro-migo.

Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen.

And so began the trial
that would change the course

of Marshall's career.

But we'll get to that.

Oh, you see? This is
what I miss about being single:

Cutting loose at a strip club,

drinkin' some beers, seein' some boobs,

getting thrown out for
being "too handsy".

You were a little out
of control tonight.

You know, I really thought

that that bouncer was bluffing
with the Taser.

Man, everything's gonna
taste like pennies for a week.

I had a fun time tonight, though.

Me, too.

I always have fun with you.

Whoa, whoa.

I've got to...

We can't, we can't do this.

This, this can't happen.

- Uh, I've got to go.
- What...?