How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 6 - Splitsville - full transcript

In the fall of 2012...

Nick and Robin were going strong.

Sometimes it's hard to say what it is
exactly that makes a couple click.

Wow.

- Bravissimol
- Yeah.

Whatever it was...

kids, Nick and Robin
really connected at first.

Hey, you know, I think I'm really starting
to feel something here.

And...

But then, as often happens,
they started to drift apart.

Why? Who can say?

Nick and I haven't had sex in three days.

And it's your fault.

Nick won't have sex because
he pulled his groin muscle...

all 'cause you made him join
your stupid basketball team.

- Did you say "stupid basketball team"?
- Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Guys, we have
to rush Robin to the hospital...

because, somehow,
she swallowed her vocal cords...

and they got lodged in her rectum...

Because she's talking out of her ass.

Over the summer...

Marshall had joined
a Midtown professionals basketball league.

His team of lawyers
was called the Force Majeures.

Ever since they lost
to a group of accountants...

he'd started getting
a little intense about it.

You sure you didn't have
a ringer or two out there, Joel?

Don't know what you're talking about.

Good hustle out there, Aboubakar!

If Joel can use ringers, then so can we.

And Nick is our best player, so as far as I'm
concerned, you can both keep your groins on ice.

Groins on Ice. Least popular
Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.

Why are you so into this basketball league?

Robin, it's the Little Ivies
Professionals Over 30...

Who Work in Midtown League.

It's The Showl

You know, it's kind of funny...

imagining people icing their groins.

First they'd be all cold, and...

and then the ice would start to melt...

and... things would get
all wet and... steamy.

Okay, Lily.

Look, buddy,
I'm also the captain of a team...

in the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30
Who Work In Midtown League.

I'm addicted to the adrenaline too.

Still, don't you think
you're getting a little obsessive about...

Uh, hold up. Hold up. Are you suggesting
that you are a member of a sports team...

and you're the captain?

So says the "C" I personally sewed onto my jersey.

Uh, after Victoria and I broke up,
I had some free time.

So... called up a few architect friends...

and put together
a little team called the T-Squares.

See that? The floor's uneven.

And that window placement is rubbish.

You know, if a genie gave me one wish...

I would knock down that wall
and create a nice flow.

Great wish.

There's too much hard wood, right?

Did you nerds actually play any basketball?

Um, us nerds focused on something
far more important...

bonding.

You guys are gonna get pounded.

And I am not.

Oh, come on. You can't go
a couple weeks without sex?

Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin,
happy as a clam.

I'm sure he's quite a ball handler.

The problem is, now that we're
not having sex, we're talking more...

and I'm realizing
that Nick is kind of... dumb.

- Really?
- News to me. - No.

- I hadn't noticed that.
- Oh, my God.

You guys think that he's dumb too?

- So dumb.
- Air bags are sharper.

- Hot as lava but just as thick.
- Mm.

Wow. When did you guys start to notice...

that he was kind of dumb?

Well, there was the time
Nick was doing the crossword.

Hey, what's a four-letter word for "cut"?

- Nick.
- Yeah?

Is a four-letter word for "cut."

- What is?
- Nick.

What? Oh. I got it.

Shave.

And there was the comment about Gypsies.

No, no. L-I think Gypsies
prefer to be called Romani now.

Do they? Really?

And what do unicorns and, uh, elves...

and leprechauns prefer to be called?

You do know, uh...

Gypsies are a real ethnic group
that actually exists?

Oh, you guys, I feel terrible now.

I always thought they were just made up,
like goblins or trolls or dolphins.

And then there's that story you told...

about how you and Nick picked up
that Danish exchange student...

and you all took a shower together.

I never told a story like that.

Well, no time like the present.

Let's give this Danish ho a name.

I'm thinking Nadia. Yeah.

She sounds slutty and bi-curious.

What is wrong with you?

Your kid is right there.
Maybe you wanna clean it up a lit...

You're wearing a baby and you're doing pull-ups?

No, Ted. I'm sitting around getting soft
'cause that's what champions do.

You know, the problem is...

now that I know how dumb Nick is...

- it's kind of making me reconsider the relationship.
- Why?

Eventually, Nick's groin will heal,
and you'll be back in Sexville...

where all the crossword puzzles
only have one box to fill.

Talk about a double standard.

Every time I go after a busty dullard
who can't tell time...

or thinks I'm the ghost of
Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow.

But somehow it's okay for Robin to date
a guy who can't be trusted around outlets.

Dump him!

Okay. That is ridiculous.

Is Nick a genius? No.

But does he have average intelligence?

No.

But he is a human being with a heart.

And you're afraid, if I dump him,
it'll throw off his game.

Robin, he got 36 points
and 17 rebounds last week.

And that was with his shoes on the wrong feet.

Well, you're probably all wondering...

how the T-Squares' practice went today.

- The T-what?
- We played up here.

Basketball, people don't realize, is all
geometry, physics and engineering.

If you think like an architect, you could win a
thousand games without ever touching a ball.

What happened to your ball?

Some kids from the Hebrew school next door
took it and wouldn't give it back.

Oy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd the breakup with Nick go?

Well...

So I went to this fortune-teller today...

and she said there was a curse on me.

Did she sell you something
to ward off the curse?

It's like you're a fortune-teller too.

- Nick, um, I think we need to talk.
- Yeah.

Uh. It's just...

Oh! These are hard.

Anyway, this $500 bracelet will ward off
evil till the end of the week, so...

Do you think that you could do,
uh, sit-ups or something while you talk?

Yeah.

Anyway, this fortune-teller... she was able to
tell me all sorts of stuff about my future...

just from my credit cards...

and my Social Security number,
my driver's license...

I knew you'd cave.
Which is why I came up...

with a little extra incentive
to break up with Nick.

End it by 8:00 p.m. Tonight
or this invite goes live.

"Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day"?

Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's...

who'd become sort of obsessed with her.

Robin had managed until now
to keep Patrice at arm's length.

But if Patrice were invited to something
called "Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day'...

she'd latch onto Robin and never let go.

Why would you do that?

- Delete that right now!
- No!

If I don't give you a little push, you'll let
this drag on until Nick can have sex again...

and then you'll be right back
to procrastinating on all fours.

I hate to admit it,
but the man in the suit has a point.

Oh! Fine.

But the play-offs are coming up soon, and
I can't have this guy an emotional wreck.

If you do dump him,
at least let him down easy.

Yeah. Take him to a nice restaurant,
preferably a dessert place.

That way you won't have to sit through
a whole meal before you get to...

- Splitsville.
- Exactly.

No, Splitsville.

It's a dessert place
right around the corner.

It's sort of the place
to end a relationship.

Uh, Nick, listen.

- You are awesome and totally sweet.
- Mmm.

But we're just not...

You know where I'm going with this, right?

No. No clue.

Um...

I don't know if we should
keep seeing each other.

You wanna start turning off
the lights during sex?

No! God, no. No, no.

I am just worried that as a couple
we're not working out.

You wanna start going to the gym together?

Okay, no, Nick. Here is the deal. Okay.

- Um, sorry, babe. I gotta take this. Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

Hello? Hey, what's up?

You... Well, I... I'd...
I don't understand.

But you don't...

Okay. Um, you know what?
I'm sorry. L-l... I have to go.

- What happened?
- I...

I, um...

Oh! I'm sorry. I can't talk about this.

Anyway...

what were you gonna say?

Uh, I was gonna say...

order whatever else you want.

It's on me.

Well, thanks, but I think
I'd just rather eat it out of a bowl.

Well, no doubt you're all wondering
how the T-Squares' first game went.

- What squares?
- Picture a well-oiled machine.

Your sewing machine?

There were two seconds left on the clock.

Aboubakar was all over me.

And that's when all my years
of architectural training came to my aid.

I saw the space in a way
my opponents never would.

Yes!

I told you guys I'd make one of these.

Turns out those two points were taken away because
apparently the ball went "out of bounds."

But don't worry.
I'm appealing to the league office.

This Aboubakar,
I-I'm assuming you showered with the guy?

Paint me a word picture.

Hello?

Lil, is Barney there?
He's not answering his phone.

Mm. He's a little busy right now.
It's Robin.

Thirty-seven, 38.
Put her on speaker. Thirty-nine.

When did you start being able
to do stuff like this? A few months ago...

you had to catch your breath
after making a sandwich.

Barney, delete the "Robin and Patrice
BFF Fun Day"invite.

- Did you break up with Nick yet?
- I can't.

He just got some horrible call.

I think a family member
might have died or something.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

No, I mean, good that Robin can't dump him.

The death part, less good.

Robin, if you dump Nick...

he could get mad
and-and tear your blouse off.

And then he bites you on the neck...
not super hard...

just on the brink
between pleasure and pain.

And then that Danish slut, Nadia,
bursts in...

You can't wait. His groin will heal.

And then, before you know it,
you'll be marrying a man...

who once ate a vanilla-scented candle.

That was on me.
I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen.

Though it was lit. Man, he dumb!

- The invite goes live in five minutes.
- What?

It goes out automatically unless I stop it.

And that only happens if I hear you
dump Nick on speakerphone before then.

Fine.

Hey, Nick. I'm sorry about that.

Um, listen.

- There's something I need to talk to you about.
- No, Robin, I'm sorry.

I'm, like, half here.

That phone call, it just...
I got some really bad news.

My doctor did an M.R. I. And...

Oh. Oh, God. What... What is it?

My groin injury is worse than they thought.

I can't play basketball for weeks.

Oh, thank God.
I thought he was dying or something.

How many weeks?
How many weeks?

Please tell me it's not a tear
in the iliolumbar ligament.

It's a tear in the libial
flum-flar liniment.

If it's a small tear,
he can still make play-offs.

- It's a big tear.
- He better not be out for the season.

- I'm out for the season.
- Damn it!

They're going up against
the Number Crunchers without me.

It's an after-work basketball league
for lawyers and accountants...

and architects who sew.

I mean, who takes it that seriously?

No!

I just hate letting Coach Eriksen down.

I would follow that man
through the gates of hell.

Winning.

What do we win...

when we beat those Number Crunchers
a few short weeks hence?

A game? Sure.

A trophy? Sort of.

We win a $25 gift card to Bennigan's.

But what is it that we really win?

- The game!
- Yes, I said that, Nick.

Yeah.

But we also win the right to walk tall.

Oh!

The right to call ourselves champions.

- Yeah.
- So we are gonna go out...

and we are gonna wipe the floor
with those accountants.

And afterwards, we will feast like kings...

on Southwest Fajitas and Cajun Shrimp!

And that check... That check will be
marginally less expensive!

Yeah! Yeah!

Now they're probably gonna have to pay
full price for that meal.

Nick.

- You are so sweet. But I just...
- Good news is...

it doesn't really matter if it takes
my groin pull a little longer to heal...

so may as well start having sex again.

- Listening.
- Sickening.

Exiting.

- Nick...
- Huh?

I just, uh...

I...

- Hmm?
- Um...

- Mm-hmm?
- Uh... Oh, God.

- What do you think?
- Oh.

- I think I am suddenly in the mood for something hot.
- Oh, I see.

Sounds like I should order
some cappuccinos.

- Wait, don't talk till tomorrow morning.
- Okay.

She can't go home with you, Nick.

- Barney!
- Why not?

Because Robin and I are in love.

Barney, what are you doing here?

Taking care of something
you clearly can't do on your own.

I'm sorry, but you and Robin are done.

What? Robin, what is this?

Uh, Barney, look, I know
what you're doing, okay? Please stop.

Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings
because you're a nice guy.

But she thinks you're stupid,
and she hates you. You're welcome.

- Stop doing this.
- I love her, Nick.

Look, he doesn't love me.

He's just saying this
because he thinks that...

I love everything about her.
And I'm not a guy who says that lightly.

I'm a guy who has faked love
his entire life.

I thought love was just something
idiots thought they felt.

But this woman has a hold on my heart
that I could not break if I wanted to.

And there have been times that I wanted to.

It has been overwhelming and humbling...

and even painful at times.

But I could not stop loving her any more
than I could stop breathing.

I am hopelessly, irretrievably
in love with her.

More than she knows.

Robin, is this true?

You heard him.

Oh, wow.

It feels like I have
a pulled groin muscle... in my heart.

Nick, I... I'm so sorry.

I just think that maybe...

Pardon me...

but did you just also
get your heart broken?

Yes.

I just got my heart broken too!

Well, do the... the
two of you wanna come back to my place?

Yes!

Thus concluded the autumn of breakups.

Wow.

Crazy, right?

Yeah. You know what'd be really crazy?
If all of 'em got it on.

Barney, Robin, Nick and those two women.

And you just know Nadia's
watching in the corner with her pet snake.

Okay, why aren't you two having sex?

- What?
- Excuse me?

Lily has been slobbering
over Robin's sex life...

like a cartoon hobo
watching a pie cool on a windowsill.

And you... The only other time
you've ever exercised this seriously...

was when Lily had mono freshman year...

and I caught you doing one-armed push-ups
with your genitals over a bowl of ice.

So when did you stop doing it and why?

It was, you know...

before Marvin was born.

What? The... That's insane.

Well, you have to wait a while
after having a kid, and...

and then you're exhausted
from being up all night.

And then this uncanny phenomenon began.

Wow. You guys gotta fix this.

It's not that easy. I...

Ted, having a kid changes things.

You don't have the time or energy.
You're never alone.

- Come here.
- What are you doing?

Taking Marvin for a walk
so you guys can have some privacy.

Oh.
Ted, come on.

That's-That's just not
the way that it works.

Yeah, it's not like we can have sex on cue.

Yeah, I'll give you guys plenty of time.

Maybe I'll even swing by the gym...

show Marvin where
his Uncle Ted made the shot.

If I'm late, it's 'cause
I've been delayed by autograph seekers.

Whoop. Forgot Marvin's diaper bag.

Yowza! Ooh! Okay.

And the Oscar for Best Fake Romantic Speech
goes to Barney Stinson.

I'd like to thank
all the ladies over the years...

with whom I've practiced
fake romantic speeches.

And, of course, Robin Scherbatsky
for being so hypnotized by hog...

that she needed me to come and save her.

You know what? I didn't need your help.

You were this close to ripping off
his misbuttoned shirt...

and pulling down his inside-out underpants.

I'll give you this.
You were pretty convincing.

Hey, tricking good-looking idiots
is kind of my thing.

No.

I mean, you were really convincing.

Please. I was broing you out.

I'm just glad he bought it so quick.

Any longer, I'd have had to kiss you.

- Hello.
- Whoo! Oh, my God, Robin. BFF Fun Day!

- That's the most amazing thing ever. You totally read my mind.
- Hey, Patrice.

- That's exactly what I wanna do for my birthday. I just...
- Oh. You got the invite. Great.

- Uh, yeah. Uh, let me call you back.
- This is so fantastic!

- I can't even catch my breath! Yay! Yay! Yay!
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You know what I forgot to do?

♪ Like a fool,
I went and stayed too long ♪

♪ Now I'm wondering
if your love's still strong ♪

♪ Ooh, baby Here I am ♪

♪ Signed, sealed, delivered
I'm yours ♪ ♪

Hey, T-Squares. Well, bad news.

Heard back from the league office.
My shot is not gonna count.

But onwards and upwards, right?

What did you cats wanna rap about? Hmm?

Listen, Coach. You're great.

And we all really want to stay friends.

I can change. I can...

Come on, we... We had some good times.

Things have been weird lately.

Is there another architect? Just tell me.