How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Autumn of Breakups - full transcript

Kids, it's no secret your Uncle
Barney is a bit of a dog,

and even though he loved
me, I think he always wanted

a wingman who was a bit of a dog, too.

And in the fall of 2012...

he found one.

Respect.

Hey, guys, thanks again for
a great night last night.

I say again,

great night.

Ted, honey, it was not a great night.

Ted,

Lily and I noticed some
things last night.

Hey, Ted, can you pass me a cracker?

- Yeah.
- It's the least you can do,

considering I left a
guy at the altar for you.

Right, right?

Oh, come on, that was a joke.

Women over 30 don't joke when
it comes to commitment.

Victoria is happy we're
taking things slow.

Oh, oh, honeysweetiebaby,

no 32-year-old
woman

is happy taking things slow.

Mm.

Trust me, Victoria has
got friends from high school

posting pictures of
second babies on Facebook.

Mm-hmm.

And you think girlfriend's

all like, "Oh, let's just bone a bunch

so I'm another year
older and still single"?

- Bitch, please.
- Mm.

Guys, I've got a new bro...

a bro that puts all other bros to shame.

The bitches love him.

He buries bones all day.

Whoo!

No one chases tail like him.

Why aren't you guys laughing?

Oh, wait, I probably should
have led with this:

He's a dog.

I've named him

Brover.

I'll go...

fetch him.

Okay, I'm worried about Barney.

That breakup with Quinn
messed him up more than he let on.

I think he's lonely.

Dude seems fine to me.

I love you so much, Brover.

Seriously, based on last night,

you and Victoria are headed for trouble.

So I got this kind
of interesting job offer

to run a bakery in Denver.

But that's too crazy, though, right?

Right?

Uh, yeah.

The high altitude would
affect the density of the pastries.

I mean,

talk about half-baked.

Man, this is a great night.

That was Victoria asking
you to move to Denver with her.

What?

Then, why wouldn't she
just come right out

and say what she wants?

Men.

It's like, if there
weren't pickle jars to open

and spiders to kill

and computers to back up,
what would be their point?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, when did Marshall
become a slightly more feminine you?

Look, Ted, it gets
exhausting constantly giving people

advice they haven't asked
for, so I'm training Marshall.

My goal is to eventually say things

that are so sassy and wise,

that there is no possible response

other than "mm" or "mm-hmm".

And if this is a place
where we can share our dreams...

I like to think that it is...

I hope someday to earn a...

"testify".

Look, Victoria and I are five months in

and we're right where we should be.

All right, we-we're
cosigning birthday cards,

w
- we got toothbrushes at each other's places,

foreplay's out the window.

I'm in, I'm out, I'm
sleeping, it's great.

It's more than five months.

You guys dated before, that time counts.

The clock doesn't reset to zero.

It un-pauses from where you left off.

No way,

no way, the clock resets.

Wait, so this is what you guys do?

You invite other couples over for dinner

to judge them and feel superior?

Oh, grow up, Ted,

that's why any couple invites
anyone over ever.

Two Scotches, both neat,

and if you've got some...
nuts, this guy lost a couple.

Ha-ha.

Take the hit, just take the hit.

Okay, this is a cry for help.

Can we invite Barney
over for dinner tonight?

But I was going to make
you a special meal to celebrate

my show getting nominated for
a Local Area Media Award.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention,

Nick had a cable access cooking show.

Chef Nick Podarutti uses

all fresh, locally grown ingredients,

but don't think for a second

that means he's not a bad boy.

She runs on corn.

# Nick the Bad Boy

# Chef...

I'm gonna invite him over for dinner.

Okay, fine, but you'd
better make sure he has a ticket.

'Cause it's all
aboard the Chow-Chow Train!

Honey, I know it's hard coming up

with a signature cooking catchphrase,

but I don't think that's it.

I know, but how do you
compete with "Bam!"?

It just says it all.

Hey, you.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Um, Lily and Marshall think

I'm missing all these
hints you're dropping

that you want a deeper commitment.

I mean, you'd just come right
out and tell me, right?

Totally.

I think I can be a little
bit more direct than that.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, I was
cleaning my apartment today

and I dug this up.

Should I keep

this wedding dress, or do you think

I'll never, ever need it again?

So Lily and Marshall were right?

Of course they're right.

When a girl jumps in
your car in a wedding dress,

you can't act surprised to find out

she wants to get married.

Besides, we dated
before, and that time counts.

We just hit pause on the clock.

See, a lot of really smart people

would argue the clock resets.

It un-pauses, everybody knows that.

You know, Barney's a little late.

I hope he's okay.

Ah, he's fine, and I still don't think

he's crying out for help.

Well...

Sorry we're late.

We just came from the tailor.

Brover couldn't settle on a
tie, so I just bought them all.

You say no to that face.

There's a reason that you're not

a hundred percent in this with me, Ted.

Something's holding us back.

Well, what is it?

I think we've established I'm not great

at picking up on
clues... well, in this situation.

As a kid, I was known as
a bit of a detective.

In fact, when my
friend's retainer went missing,

the Mosby Boys were put
on the case, and it was...

The retainer was in the garbage.

The Mosby Boys were you, your sister,

and a neighborhood
squirrel you thought you had tamed.

I can't believe Squirrel-lock
Holmes turned on us like that.

Eight weeks of training down the drain.

You know how I know that, Ted?

Because we covered it in
the "getting to know you" part

of the relationship six years ago.

Six years.

Then... what's holding us back?

Call in the Mosby Boys, Ted,

let me know if they crack the case.

Guys,

Brover is not only the
best bro I've ever had,

he's amazing with the ladies.

I'm sorry, don't you
think it's a little pathetic

to use a dog to pick up chicks?

Sir, wingmanship is a two-way street.

If Brover meets a
cutie, I'll take the hit

and chat up the chubby lady friend.

Sometimes I'll be the jerk...

so Brover can swoop
in and be the hero.

And like any good wingman,

I gather as much intel
as I can right up front.

How old's your dog?

- She's five.
- Oh.

What's that in dog years?

Like, 35.

We're done here.

Well, you were right.

Victoria says
something's holding us back,

and I don't have any idea what it is.

Any brilliant insights, Oprah?

Steadman?

Um, try Gayle.

Marshall, I want you to take this one.

You're ready.

Oh, I don't know.

Although I do hear this
little voice in the back of my head

trying to tell me something.

That's your inner goddess.

Listen to her, channel her.

If Victoria quenches your

thirst like a tall glass

of sweet tea on a hot July day...

Marshall, why is she Southern?

Don't let him break the connection.

well, you got to make

an honest woman out of her.

Okay, I'm leaving.

But, but,

if not, well, then, sugar...

you got to let that nightingale

spread her wings and soar

to her own beautiful tomorrow.

Testify.

You guys are the worst.

Where am I?

Sorry.

Uh, go for Barney.

Uh-huh.

I see.

Totally understood.

I'll do that.

Great.

Thank you.

That was Brover's owner.

I guess, while she was

out of town, he ran
away from his kennel,

and now that she's
back, I have to return him.

Oh, Barney, I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's all good.

Um, excuse me for one moment.

Hey, Barney.

No, no. No, no!

Oh.

Wha...

Victoria.

Will you marry me?

Yes, of course.

There's just one thing.

Anything. You name it.

You can't be friends with Robin.

You won't marry me if I'm
still friends with Robin?

Wait. She's the thing
that's been holding us back?

There-There's just
too much history there.

I mean, Robin's the
reason that we broke up

the first time
around. Robin's our roadblock.

Robin's the deep, dark pit

where our relationship goes to die.

But nicest girl in the
world. Salt of the earth.

But she's with Nick now.

I mean, sure, his cooking show is lousy

with awkward catchphrase attempts.

Oh, my gosh, who's ready to nosh?

Who's popping a chub for some grub?

I offer my deepest apologies

to anyone who was offended by
my "popping a chub" remark.

I can and will do better.

Won't happen again.

And now who's ready to eat my meat?

Oh, come on.

But Robin's happy with Nick,

and I'm happy with you.

Look, I,

I just asked you to be my wife.

Isn't that proof there's
nothing between me and Robin?

Well, maybe today there isn't,

but what about tomorrow?

Or next week or 15 years from now?

I'll always be wondering.

I never wanted to be that girl who says

it's Robin or it's me,

but, well...

It's Robin or it's you.

You've been a hell of a wingman.

And even though I
think it's kind of gross

when you pleasure yourself orally,

don't ever think

that means I'm not impressed.

Hey...

do you think that Barney's gonna be okay

bringing Brover back?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

It's not just the ability

to go to town on yourself,

but you do it with such joie de vivre.

I really think that
I should go with him.

No, but you got to eat these cr?pes

as soon as they're flamb?ed.

They're gonna be bon appe-sweet!

- No.
- Damn.

We'll work on it when I get back.

No, I get it. You know,

I only spent all night working on these,

but, hey, Barney's more important.

- Nick...
- It's fine. Go.

Anyway, let's not make a big deal of it.

We hung out for a few days,

had some fun...

No big woof.

I don't know who I am without you.

This is crazy.

Victoria is being
completely unreasonable about Robin,

and my snap sister is gonna back me up.

I say again...

I kind of see Victoria's point.

Come again for Ms. Fudge?

Ted and Robin have so much history.

Exactly. History. Ancient history.

Ted, you said "I love
you" to her earlier this year.

I'm not saying

this is fair, but I get it.

I didn't get that at all.

How could my inner
goddess be so far off?

Oh, you'll get there, honey.

Oprah wasn't built in a day.

What?

I kind of went rogue.

Look, if you really want to have a baby,

just stop taking the pill.

You guys slept together at spring break

three years ago.

That means something.

Loves show tunes,

total shopaholic,

not always pestering you for sex?

Um, Clifford sounds like a keeper.

Marshall, all of that
advice was terrible.

Not as terrible as you saying

that Ted and Robin should
stop being friends.

I'm not saying they
should. It would be horrible.

But if Ted really
wants to be with Victoria...

Ted, tell her

that you're not gonna stop
being friends with Robin.

I can't imagine life without Robin.

But she'll never be in love with me.

She'll never be my wife.

She'll never be the person
I grow old with.

Victoria...

Victoria could be.

Are you saying what I
think you're saying?

You ready to say good-bye?

Thanks for coming with me.

Oh, well, you did the same for me

back when I had to give
away all my dogs. Remember?

Oh, yeah, we drove to
your aunt's farm upstate.

She was awesome.

- Yeah.
- I love how she was this

wise, old, chilled out,

lesbian farmer.

No, no, no. She's not a lesbian.

Nor does she farm them.

No, that woman she lives with,

that's just her special friend Maureen.

They've lived together for...

Oh.

Oh, this is gonna be tough.

Brover really was the best wingman ever.

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much for bringing

- Mr. Sprinkles back.
- Mr. Sprinkles...

is a great name for a dog.

Mommy missed you so much.

Yes, she did.

Did this nice couple take care of you?

That's a laugh. Ha.

Big bro.

I got to split. Yeah, I got to,

I got to head back to the farm...

where I live with my special
friend Maureen.

Whom I now realize

is my lesbian life partner.

Surprise.

Okay. All right.

So...

would you like a drink?

Best wingman ever.

Hey.

What's all this?

I thought you were mad at me.

I was...

but then I realized

I just have to accept that
you have close guy friends.

I mean, I don't want it becoming a habit

that they steal you away from
me in the middle of the night.

But...

Oh, sorry.

Oh, Ted needs to see me.

- Oh, for the love of God, woman.
- Oh, it's not

what you think. He
just wants to have sex.

Kidding.

Just a little hand stuff.

Ha. Kidding again.

Ted's more of a boob
man. I seriously can't stop.

- What does he want?
- Um...

I don't know, but he says it's urgent.

I'm so sorry.

Just one more little steal-away.

Just as long as he gives you back.

Thanks.

So...

are you okay?

What is this big, urgent thing

that couldn't wait till tomorrow?

There's something I have to tell you.

Um...

I've thought about this a ton,

and...

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but...

I'm not in love with Robin...

but she's like family to me, and...

I can't end that.

So...

can you accept that?

I really hope you get her some day.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, last night

Ted calls me out to the bar to
talk about something urgent.

Guess what it was.

He wants to write

a series of young adult mystery novels

called The Mosby Boys.

Why did you need to tell me that?

You work in the media. You know people.

Okay, well, first of
all, lose the Mosby nerds

and focus on that
crime-solving squirrel.

- That guy is gold.
- Yeah.

And secondly, next time

you have a big idea late at night,

please bug your girlfriend about it.

Uh, actually...

Victoria and I broke up.

Oh, my God.

Why, what, what happened?

We just, you know, wanted
different things.

I'm so sorry, buddy.

But, bright side...

Robin is gonna be so touched

when she hears you
ended things with Victoria

because of her.

She can never know.

Promise me Robin will never find out.

I don't understand.

Promise.

- Promise.
- Promise.

Of course,

Robin did find out.

But we'll get to that.

So you do have balls?

Run!