How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 8 - Twelve Horny Women - full transcript

Kids, this a story about
the time your Uncle Marshall

went before the New York State
Judiciary Committee,

a panel that would decide
the fate of his career.

He thought he'd open
with an icebreaker.

By the way, did I mention
those robes really do you all...

justice?

I'm just saying
that you're all guilty...

of looking sharp.

Mr. Eriksen, please.

You're here to discuss

your conduct in court

during the week
of November 19, 2012.

Of course, Your Honor.

It all

started when...

a so-called friend
from law school

conned me into believing

that he needed my help
getting a job,

when in reality,
he stole my firm's strategy

for our upcoming trial against

Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'd
been polluting a lake upstate.

Turns out,
he was representing Gruber.

Win this case
or you're fired, Eriksen.

How could you trick me
like that?

This is the biggest trial
in my career.

Mine too, brobeans.

When I win this trial,

I'm gonna buy a new car.

Thinking Lambo.

Awesome. I mean, no!

What happened to you?

You used to be, like,
the nicest guy ever.

We were bros.

More than bros.

We ate brunch together.

And I'll always cherish that.

But after Kara

broke my heart again

for the millionth time,

I said screw being nice,

suited up and started lying
to get what I want.

That does happen.

But you used to want to fight
for the little guy.

Little guys pay
with little checks.

But... you already know that.

You're in
environmental law.

Marshall, you have a kid.

How are you
gonna provide

for the little dude's futche?

I'm worried
about Planet Earth's futche!

That's why
I'm gonna

kick your ass in this trial.

Sure, you may have swiped our
entire strategy for this case,

but I still got
some tricks up my sleeve

that you know
absolutely nothing about.

Really?

No.

♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x08 ♪
Twelve Horny Women
Original Air Date on November 26, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Kids, Robin and Barney
had recently shared

an awkward moment.

Whoa, whoa.

After that, they did what any
two mature adults would do:

Hey!

Hey!

How are you?

Great. You?

Good, so good.

Oh, great. Good to see you!
You, too!

They pretended
it never happened.

All right, guys,

this is the biggest case
of Marshall's career.

That is why it's so great

that we all called in sick
to work tomorrow,

so we could be in that
courtroom to support him.

I didn't call in sick.

I called in
for all of us.

Uh, I have strep throat.

Robin, bronchitis.

Barney, massive
hemorrhoids.

Why'd you have
to say "massive"?

Well, if you're gonna
miss work for hemorrhoids,

they kind of have
to be massive.

I don't want to sit
in a courtroom all day.

I bet you don't want to sit
anywhere with those hemorrhoids.

I don't have... Shut up.

Look, you guys
wouldn't understand,

but when you have a rap sheet
as long as mine,

the last place
you want to spend

a day is in court.

Rap sheet?

That's right.

When I was a teenager, Lily,

I was a total badass.
Pfft.

You want to talk
about teenage badasses?

I was like John Gotti
in a training bra.

I'm serious.

In high school, before
I started dating Scooter,

even he was afraid of me.

Lily coming!

Lily coming!

You look okay.

Want to hang out?

Uh, my mom says I'm only allowed
three friends, so...

Your mom don't make the rules
no more, Scooter.

My name's Jeff.

Not no more it ain't.

The one part of
that story I believe

is that Scooter only
had three friends.

Ah!

Here he is.

The pride of St. Cloud,

the environmental lawyer

we've come
to know and love.

He's mean. He's green.

He's not wearing the tie
I bought him for the trial,

but I'm not gonna
mention it...

Marshall "I Was Gonna
Say 'Nice Tie'" Eriksen!

How you feeling,

Counselor?

Well, uh, I mean,
at first

that Brad thing
had me rattled,

but now I feel
pretty good.

I mean, for one thing,

I don't have massive
hemorrhoids. Sorry, buddy.

I don't have ma...

And more importantly,
unlike Brad,

I actually have something
to fight for.

Pop, because of
your precedent-setting

legal victory 14 years ago,

kids like me can fish
in clean lakes

all over the world.

They sure can, champ.

Because when you
do one good deed...

...it creates
a ripple effect.

One good deed

leads to another and another.

Man, you're wise.

That's probably why I never
have felt the need to do drugs

or rebel in any way.

Anyhoo...

The next day, we all headed
down to court

to support Uncle Marshall.

Yeah.

Want to know what
I looked like at age 15?

There it is.

I don't get it.
That guy wasn't masturbating.

Yeah, and the waistband
of his undies wasn't pulled up

to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.

Ted,

you were never a badass.

Au contraire.

Off to a good start...

I was locked up

plenty of times
as a teenager.

Let's just say

Johnny Law was not a fan

of Teddy Westside.

Make sure you get
my good side...

Princess.

You guys want to talk

about hassling
the fuzz?

Finish that, Scoots.

Okay,

let's see some IDs.

Scooter, do you
smell bacon?

Laugh, bitch.

Ha!

Ha ha!

ID now, both of you.

Which one of you

is Yuki Hakutani?

Right here.

So, Yuki, you're 6'1"
and you were born in 1947?

Congratulations.
You can read.

Barney Stinson?

Well, if it isn't
Warren Frankel.

Bailiff

Warren Frankel,

- who knows me.
- You know,

I almost didn't recognize you
without handcuffs on.

Yeah, I've matured quite
a bit since the old days.

The only time I'm wearing
handcuffs now is, uh,

in the bedroom.

Bondage. I get it.

Well,

I have to run.

Stay out of trouble.

Badass.

In summary, I will prove
that Gruber Pharmaceuticals

wantonly and knowingly
polluted Frog Lake

and therefore must pay
restitution of no less

than $25 million.

Thank you.

How's this for a fact:

Frog Lake is home

to a buttload of frogs
and birds.

If it's so polluted,

why don't all those birds fly
to a cleaner lake?

And why don't the frogs
just be like,

"Hey, birds, can I catch
a ride, ribbit?"

Marshall's gonna wipe
the floor with this ding-dong.

Oops.

I seem to have dropped my pen.

Objection, Your Honor.

Nobody needs this long
to pick up a pen.

I'll allow it.

The biggest case of my life
and I'd already lost the jury.

I mean,

I've heard of Twelve Angry Men,

but this was more
like Twelve Horny Women.

Stay on topic.

I can't compete
with Brad.

The jury is
in love with him.

During recess, one of those
ladies raced across the hall

to see if she could
get a divorce.

And I'm pretty sure
there was some funny business

going on under
that judge's robe.

What you guys saw
Brad do was nothing.

He's taken it to a
whole other level.

Ladies and...

ladies of the jury,

I'm sorry if I seem down.

My girlfriend

Kara...

broke up with me last night.

Aww...

She said I listen too much,

whatever that means.

- Aww...
- Aww...

Can you believe this guy?

Really?

Do I even want to see
what I look like?

Wow.

That's, like, super mean.

Next, Brad brought out
his "expert witness."

So, Dr. Bedrosian,
you're saying

that even if Gruber
Pharmaceuticals'

industry-leading drugs
somehow seeped into Frog Lake,

they could actually be
helping the otter population

grow thicker coats of fur?

Absolutely.

And for the older
birds, who...

maybe don't perform as well
in the bedroom as they used to,

could actually
be having

healthier sex lives?

In my expert opinion...

yes...?

Yes.

So Gruber...

is giving these animals
free medicine.

Medicine that you or I would
have to pay a fortune for if...

we needed help
in the bedroom...

which I don't.

You're so bad.

But I realized,

if Brad could call a quack
as his star witness,

then so could I.

You'll get that in a second.

Meet Paddles,

the duckling.

"Quack."

Continue.

Little Paddles here just spent

three months being nursed
back to health.

Why?

Well, because he was found
in Frog Lake

suffering
from acute dermatitis...

...a painful full-body rash,
caused by who?

Gruber Pharmaceuticals.

For a brief, shining moment,

it looked like I might
just win this thing.

But then...

I took a field trip to this
so-called "polluted" lake.

If you'll indulge me,

I'd like to share my experience.

Frog Lake.

Behold...

nature's beauty.

Polluted?

Polluted with good times.

♪

Frog... Lake.

♪

♪

♪

Frog Lake.

Come on in.

The water's fine.

I shot and edited that myself.

Yep, I edit stuff, too.

Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no
rap sheet under your name.

Oh, y-you know what,
it must be under

my street tag: Number One Gunna.

Nope. Sorry,
Number One Gunna.

Next!

Those jive-ass turkeys
must've lost it.

Well, they're
pretty swamped

arresting 1970s pimps
like yourself.

Lily, let it go.

I didn't want to brag,
but I think

it's time to acknowledge

that I was the ultimate
teenage badass of this group.

You were a teen
pop star in Canada.

You sang songs about the mall.
Hey.

There is a dark side
to being a rocker on the road

north of the 49th.

Mm, thanks.

Hey.

We've received
some noise complaints, eh?

Can you please lower the music?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Sure.

How aboot, uh,
I lower the TV, too,

yeah?

Three hours later,
I was arrested

drunk, naked,
and driving a Zamboni.

Man, that DUI drove my insurance
through the roof.

Please be seated.

Mr. Morris,
good seeing you this morning.

Mr. Eriksen...

you're here.

Any, uh,

final witnesses?

Well, Your Honor, um...

Um...

Actually, Your Honor,
uh, I'm afraid...

Mr. Eriksen?

Your Honor,
I call Brad Morris

to the stand.

Mr. Eriksen, this is

highly irregular.
I would like

Mr. Morris to remove his shirt.

I'll allow it.
Objection, Your Honor,

on grounds that this is ridonk!

Overruled. Take it off.

Acute...

dermatitis,

courtesy of Frog Lake

and Gruber
Pharmaceuticals.

That was badass.

So, in the end,

one might say you were forced
to do something...

rash?

Rash!

You know, I had that o,
but Lily told me to cut it.

Um, anyway...

all that was left
was the verdict.

"We, the jury,
find Gruber Pharmaceuticals...

guilty."

Yes!

$25 million.

That tie is not only
tasteful; it's lucky!

I hereby fine Gruber
in the amount of $25,000.

Court is adjourned.

Your Honor, $25,000?
What just happened?

Son, yes, Gruber Pharmaceuticals
probably polluted that lake,

but I'm not gonna ruin
an important company

just because they gave
some bird a rash.

No, but it's thousands of birds,

and fish and otters and turtles...
Look, Eriksen,

I hate to cut you short,

but I got tickets to Annie
and my wife is waiting.

You have a wi...

won-wonderful show to see?

Guilty. Ciao.

You'd best get
your mind right, son!

The game is the game,
and there ain't no winners.

How many retired
gangbangers you know?

Exactly.

Barney...

check it out.

I found my scrapbook
from the old days.

We're kind of busy
right now, Warren.

We're scaring kids
straight, so...

No, no.
Barney was

the youngest member
of our Magic Enthusiasts Club

years back.

Famous for

escaping from handcuffs.

Handcuffs, huh?

Very tiny hands.

That was his secret.

See you around, baby hands.

So, you don't know the bailiff
because you were a badass.

You knew him because you guys
were in a nerd club together.

Where you dazzled audiences
with your sleight-of-tiny-hand.

So I was a late hand bloomer!

Go ahead, laugh,

laugh like all the others,

but those magicians pulled off
the greatest trick of all:

they accepted me.

Okay, well,
to be fair,

I... may have
slightly exaggerated

my badass story, too.

Oh, sorry. Uh, no,
thank you, housekeeping.

I've already made my bed.

And I only used
one washcloth, so it's...

Congratulations,
Miss Sparkles.

On behalf

of the Manitoba Hotel

and Curling Rink Association,
we'd like to thank you

for being the nicest, most
well-behaved hotel guest ever.

Oh, yippee!

What a loser!

Your story's not true,
either, is it, Ted?

Not at all.

Make sure you get
my good side, Princess!

I left the courthouse that day

questioning what
I was even doing with my life...

and then that night,
I had a dream.

Sorry I failed, son.

What about your
Pebble Theory, Dad?

One good deed ripples out
and makes another and another?

Yeah.

This is what really happens

when you throw a pebble
into Frog Lake.

The truth is,
you can fight

your whole life to do good
and still get nowhere.

You're wrong.

Some good's gonna ripple
out of this, Dad.

I promise.

Great, I've angered
the Frog King.

Later that night,
some good did ripple out.

Hey.

What, are you
here to gloat?

No. Came here to thank you.

For reminding me

of why I got into law
in the first place:

to fight for the little guy.

Which is why

I said "Hasta Lucia" to my firm,

and took a job
at your firm, brobeans.

Don't "brobeans" me.

My boss would never hire you
after the way you lied to us.

I told him I'd take every
last bit of manipulation,

deception, and accidental
pen-dropping

I used against you guys and
put it towards saving the world.

Even if that's true,

I'm still not sure
that I can forgive you.

Would you object to
an 11:15 brunch rezzy for two

tomorrow at the Popover Pantry?

I'll allow it.

Yes! The Brunch Bros are back!

And thank God we were,
because...

well, what he said next

is the reason that
I'm sitting in this chair.

Seriously,

thanks-- for giving my soul
a little redempsh.

And B-T-dubs,
that judge was an idiot.

It's people
like you,

people with hope
and vision and integ,

that should be behind that bench
making the calls.

And that's when I realized
I wanted to be a judge.

Because judges

are the ones who
can effect real change.

And that's why I'm here,

before the New York State
Judiciary Committee.

I hope that you will consider me

for an appointment
to a judgeship.

Thank you,
Mr. Eriksen.

The panel will take this
under advisement.

Take your time.

It could be a few months.

Better tell my wife
I won't be home for dinner.

Get out.

Hey.

Hey.

How are you?
Uh, great. You?

So gr...

Can we talk about this
for a second?

Yeah.

It is super-weird between us,
and I don't want it to be.

Me, neither.

So let me just say this.

I'm done.

You don't have
to worry anymore.

What do you mean?

I'm done trying to get you.

I can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry it's taken me
this long to figure it out,

but I promise...

I'm done making
a fool of myself.

Barney, you haven't been making
a fool out of yourself...

It's okay.

It's okay.

I want it to be okay.

So here's what's
gonna happen.

I'm gonna get us two drinks,

come back and comment
on the likely size and color

of the nipples
on that redhead at the bar,

with the big, dark nipples.

And you're gonna
be grossed out,

but you're gonna laugh
a little anyway, and then you'll tell

a funny story about
"that bitch Patrice" at work,

but neither one of us
are gonna say,

"Hey, how's it going?"
or "Good to see you!"

Because it really will be
good to see you.

Think we can swing that?

Yeah, I do.

Badass.

Huh.

Thanks for your support, guys.
It means a lot.

We'll call in sick anytime
you have a problem.

Lily coming!

Lily coming!

Badass.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==