How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 21 - Romeward Bound - full transcript

Kids, by the spring of 2013,

Lily and Marshall had life figured out,

Lily was making a name as the
art consultant for The Captain,

Marshall was a
superstar environmental lawyer

and home life was a well-oiled machine.

And then...

something changed.

Captain, you wanted to see me?

Captain? Hello?

Permission to come aboard?

Granted.

Lily, small order of business:

I'm moving to Rome and
I'd like you to come with me.

Carry on.

What? That-That-That's
amazing,

but I don't know if I
can just uproot my life.

It's only for a year. Carry on.

But I'm married and we have a baby

and they just opened a Shake Shack
on our block and there's never a line!

I understand it's a big
decision. Take all the time you need.

Just let me know by the end of the day.

Also, I need your advice
on purchasing some luggage.

- What kind?
- Carry on.

Well, this has been fun. I should go.

But you literally just got here.

I didn't "literally" just get here.

I hate when people misuse that word.

So do I. But you
literally just got here.

Hey, Ted.

Well, this has been fun. I should go.

Okay, fine, now I'm leaving.

Why do people go to a bar, anyway?

To get your drink on and
some girl's pants off.

I can do both at home.

What are you looking at?

The girl in the big coat?

We were in the same yoga class together.

You know how sometimes you'll meet
a girl and there'll be that

one bewitching little
detail that'll make you

fall in love with her instantly?

You know, a little freckle on the nose,

the-the lilt of her laugh,

the way she pronounces a
certain word or phrase?

Sure, totally.

Well, in this girl's case,

the bewitching little detail is the fact

that she has just a "redonkulous" body.

- Redonkulous?
- Redonkulous!

I've only heard you use
"redonkulous" to describe

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.

Barney,

this girl has

the Mission Impossible:
Ghost Protocol of bodies.

Whoa.

Just wait till she takes that coat off.

Oh, wait, sorry, you were just
about to leave, right?

I mean, I've already
paid for this drink.

Guys, The Captain just made
me a very interesting offer.

Finally, we get around to
the real reason he hired you.

Just promise you film
it, and please use a tripod.

There's nothing
artistic about shaky-cam.

It just looks sloppy.

He wants me to move to Rome
for a year to buy art for him.

Whoa! Seriously?

- Is that something you want to do?
- Are you kidding?

I've always wanted to live abroad!

My summer in Paris, back in
college, was so enlightening:

the art, the history, the free cheese

just for wearing a low-cut top.

Well, how does Marshall
feel about moving?

I haven't told him yet.

He really loves his job here.

Yeah, but he also loves Italy!

He took a week of Italian in college,

and the only reason he dropped
it was 'cause he had a conflict...

with being not stoned.

But he still knows how
to say the phrase,

"Come on, bro, don't
Bogart all the Funyuns".

All right, I'm gonna call him.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby, I can't talk right now.

I'm working on a big case. Bye.

And that's when Lily realized

what moving to Rome would really mean.

And before you know it...

his life turns into an angsty,

existential
black-and-white Italian movie.

Exactly.

I used to be a lawyer.

I don't know anymore.

I'm sorry. I got to
hit pause for a second.

Why is it so hot in here?

Oh, right. While you
were blabbering on and on

about your whole life
crisis or whatever,

I slipped Carl a hundred to
turn the heat up in here.

What? Why?

Because she is still in
the big puffy coat!

- Barney, what are you doing?
- I'm trying her out of that coat,

that's what I'm doing! I'm fighting
hotness with hotness!

You're engaged.

Okay, Lily, clearly
you're forgetting something.

Yes, I'm engaged to the
coolest girl on Earth.

This is about looking, not touching.

Robin understands there is
one set of balls she can't tie up

with a necktie and lightly
hit with a Ping-Pong paddle.

These balls.

Okay, I'm gonna call The Captain,
get this over with.

Ahoy.

Hello, Captain?

Lily,

I hope you're not calling to
harpoon our big move to Rome.

Thank you, but I can't ask my
husband to abandon his career.

Would you like me to
try and convince him?

I'm very persuasive.

I'm sorry, the ship has sailed.

What's that mean?

Well, you know, "The ship has sailed"?

That it's over and
there's nothing you can do?

What a peculiar expression. Hmm.

Well, thanks for all
your hard work, Lily.

I've never been good
at good-byes, so...

Well, that's that.

My dream job as an art
consultant is over.

- And the sad part...
- Okay, I gotta stop you right there, Lily,

'cause unless I'm
mistaken, lock and load gentlemen.

A scarf? No, don't put on, take off!

Okay, you're starting to drool.

I'm calling creepy.

Lily, it's fine.

This is purely academic.

It's-It's like
bird-watching.

And right now, I am
watching a double-breasted... Robin!

Wait... they know each other?

Whoa, wait... what is going on here?

Oh, my God, it's happening.

This is just like I imagined.

Right in front of Ted, so
I can rub it in his face.

The belt is mine!

Hi, guys. Barney, you remember Liddy.

I do?

Yes! Libby.

Liddy. We met when Robin hired me.

Robin hired you? Naughty girl. Okay.

Okay, so how's this gonna go down?

You two just gonna
start, and I'll just jump in?

Uh, she's our wedding planner.

Of course she's the wedding planner!

Good to see you again, Libby.

- Liddy.
- Yeah.

Hey, I'm Ted. We...
we met once before.

Oh, right, in yoga class. How are you?

She's talking to me.

Well, I would love to stay,
but now that I'm unemployed,

I think I'll go
surprise Marshall at work.

Wedding planner.

So Lily went to visit Marshall at work,

hoping she wasn't
interrupting anything important.

She wasn't.

Whoa. What is going on?

Bernard, if we just
glue the cards together...

Lily! What are you doing here?

Well, I baked you brownies

because I thought you
were busy working, but...

so when you said...

Lily, hey, I can't really talk.

I'm working on a big project right now.

It's a real house of cards.

Is this the "house of
cards" you were talking about?

I thought you had some big client.

Oh, sweetheart, we haven't
had a client here in months.

Mmm! Brownies! Hey!

What is going on? What do you mean

you haven't had a client in months?

Ever since the Gruber
case, we lost a lot of business,

people got laid off... it's
just me and Bernard now.

Where's Cootes?

He's holed up in a
bomb shelter in Colorado,

waiting for the apocalypse
and tending to his herb garden.

So all those times I've
called you in the past few months,

when you talked about
how busy you were...

you were just lying to me?

Technically, I never lied...

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby, I can't talk right now.

I'm working on a big case. Bye.

That is a big case.

Bad time, Lily. I got
to focus on the client.

Gotta go. Bye.

Where were we?

Chapter 19.

I can't talk right now,
I got a lot on my plate.

Well, let's dig in.

If we start now, we
can be done by lunch.

Now's not a good time, Lil.

We got a lot of
balls in the air right now.

Okay, toss me the stapler.

Unbelievable.

Wait...

when you said you
were about to get reamed...

Oh, right. That.

No, sometimes, for fun,

We throw reams of paper at each other.

Bernard! Not a good time!

Read the room!

I'm sorry, baby, I...

I didn't want you to see me fail.

Damn it! Do you realize what
you cost us by lying to me?

The Captain is moving to Rome,

and he offered to bring me
along as his art consultant,

but I turned it down,
because I thought you loved your job.

Oh, my gosh.

If we lived in Italy,

I could just spend my
days taking care of Marvin

and trying to make pasta and watching
Italian Price Is Right.

- It sounds like a dream!
- Oh, it's too late.

No, no. Lily, I'm going
to The Captain's right now!

I'm gonna make this right!
I'm gonna get you that job!

- No, Marshall...
- You're getting that job!

You can just make it out to Liddy Gates.

That's L-D-D-Y.

L-I, two D's...

double D...

two D's... Y.

Well, here is the
final menu, as we discussed,

but let me be clear. You're
the boss, I'm here to serve you.

So if there's
anything you want me to remove,

just tell me to remove it and it's gone.

I'll remove anything you want.

That sounds like a sound policy.
Up to you, whatever you feel like.

That's a good... That's
a good thing to know.

That's fine, you can remove
whatever you want.

I'm serious, and I won't
be offended, you want it gone,

I'll take it right
off. Is it hot in here?

- You know what?
- It's not cold.

- It's hot, it's sticky.
- It's not... It's like

Bikram, right?

We're yoga buddies.

# Yoga buddies.

Well, I'll let you guys read the menu.

- Can you point me to the...
- Coat rack?

restroom?

Uh, it's right over there.

But it's hard to pee in a giant coat.

Okay, what's going on?

Why are you guys being so weird?

Ted says that Liddy
has a ridonkulous body,

but there's no way of verifying because
she won't take off the coat!

Is that why it's so hot in here?

Did you pay Carl to
turn up the heat again?

Well, yes.

But I was curious.

I want to get that coat on the rack

so I can see the rack
that's under the coat.

My God.

I have been wondering the same thing.

I mean, she never takes that coat off.

Whatever she's smuggling
under there has to be thermonuclear.

I bet she has WBDs.

Weapons of bra destruction.

Thank you.

This, this is why

you're the coolest fianc?e ever.

So, Ted, when you say ridonkulous...

I can't even describe it.

It'd be like trying to
explain a rainbow to a blind person.

Is she single?

Why don't you ask her out?

Actually, I almost
did the first time we met,

before she took off that coat.

Sandstorm?

Dubai? That hoodie?

I mean, it's ridonkulous.

Oh, I know. I so want to see it again.

Well, hey, I mean, maybe after
this, if you're not doing anything.

Totally, and maybe later,
we could get a bite to eat.

There's this great
place that's super close.

No, I...

No, I... No.

It was just too much.

Indiana Jones
wouldn't look at this body.

This is a body that
would melt a Nazi's face.

Oh, man, I want my face to melt.

It's too bad Marshall isn't here.

Why Marshall?

'Cause he could just say...

Hey, Liddy,

why don't you take off that coat?

- And Liddy would be all...
- Sure, should I take my shirt off, too?

No, the coat's probably enough.

And he'd get away with it.

You know why? No stink.

You obviously haven't split a
cab with him after basketball.

No, I don't mean "physical stink".

I mean the pheromonal stink

a guy gives off when he's
desperate for action

to a pathetic degree.

You know, like Ted.

- I have stink?
- Bro, you dipped in stink.

If Liddy came back to
the table and you said...

Uh, Liddy,

why don't you... take off that coat?

You want me to take my coat off? How
about instead, I take off your face?

Ow!

Ow, oh!

Really?

You had to have her beat me up?

She's not done, Ted.

Ghost Protocol

wasn't that good!

Marshall, on the other hand,

girls take one look and just know

there's a guy who's
met the girl of his dreams

and wants to spend the rest of
his life with her and only her.

So why don't you ask her?

Pardon me?

Aren't you a guy who's met

the girl of his
dreams and wants to spend

the rest of his life
with her and only her?

Of course, baby.

So why don't you ask
her to take her coat off?

Um...

And you never even saw Ghost Protocol.

So, the big day's coming up.

How are you guys feeling?

I talked to the caterer, and the
mini lamb shanks are gonna be amazing.

Oh, by the way, I talked to
the florist, and the violets

- are gonna be gorgeous.
- Okay, Barney. You can do this.

Just say it. Say it.

- Say it.
- little ones and big ones...

Hey, Liddy, do you
want to take off your coat?

Sure.

I did it! I proved to
myself and everyone else

that I have no desire to
be with any other woman.

I am completely immune to every other...

Holy crap!

And it was, indeed,

ridonkulous.

And we got to see it, all thanks

to this lovely lady right here.

Robin, thanks to you, I
can now walk up to any girl

and say whatever
creepy, disgusting thing I want

and totally get away with it.

- Mm.
- Man!

I think I'm gonna like being married.

Hello?

Ahoy.

Ahoy, Lily.

I just had a long
talk with your husband.

He convinced me to offer
you that job in Rome again.

How do you respond?

Thanks, but the answer is still no.

Lily, why the hell did
you turn that down again.

Because I'd have to
get a new passport photo.

And I'd miss out on New York in August.

Unless they open the
Shake Shop in a box.

Lily, what's the real reason?

What if we moved to Rome...

- What's so funny?
- I'm uh sorry.

I can't believe you paid a 10
million euro this painting.

Why not?

This is not even a painting.

I spin my plate, it's
gonna fill a blank canvas.

Smell it.

It's like a toilet.

It just make you look uh

stupida.

- Lily, you're fired.
- What?

But no. I... it's
still a great painting.

I like what it says
about the structure in society

and the changing worlds of women.

I used to be an art consultant.

Hey baby. It's time
for Marvin's... bottle.

And it's all because I
screwed up and through away

a perfectly
comfortable life here in New York.

Lily, you're not going to screw up.

You know what, just
please, just leave it alone.

Besides,

deep down, I don't think

Marshall's even excited about Italy.

At that very moment in little Italy.

Marron!

I can't wait for my wedding day.

I mean, there is no way

that Liddy is gonna be
wearing that coat, right?

Right?

"Barney Stinson, do you hope

she wears something
slinky and backless?"

"I do".

Okay, can I just say
something as your best man?

Be careful.

What do you mean?

You just... you
haven't been acting like a guy

who's about to get married, and
I know you think it's okay

because Robin's so
cool, but I'm telling you,

she's not as cool as you think she is.

Oh,

I see.

And you'd know this

because you know Robin better than I do.

You know what she
appreciates better than her own fianc?.

I'm just saying,

if I was getting
married in three weeks...

But you're not getting
married in three weeks, Ted.

I am.

Robin's marrying me, not you.

You're right.

Not my place.

Why don't I get the next round?

So...

how many times are you
gonna say no to your dream job?

I'm just trying to plan my day.

I'm a scaredy-cat, okay?

I want to be the type of
person that just charges fearlessly

into the unknown, but

I came back two weeks early from Paris

because I was lonely.

I went to San Francisco,

and I was never more
depressed in my life.

I'm small town, Marshall.

I'm a hick from Brooklyn
who's terrified of living

more than ten subway
stops from where I was born.

Okay, Lily, if I can move
from St. Cloud, Minnesota,

to New York City,

then you can move to Rome.

We know nothing about Italy.

We have no friends there. We
don't speak the language.

Okay, so you know that one sentence.

Can you say anything else?

That-that was the same sentence.

You just changed the inflection.

I love you, too.

All right.

We're going to Italy.

Si!

You may not know this yet, but...

I've already done some shopping.

Welcome home.

Oh...

You are so cool,

but not for long.