How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 20 - The Time Travelers - full transcript
Ted and Barney run into their future selves as they debate whether to go to "Wrestlers vs. Robots," while Robin and Marshall argue over who gets credit for a new drink at McLaren's.
Kids, in April of 2013,
your mother and I were very close
and yet very far apart.
I was living on West 82nd Street.
She was up on West 115th.
She was getting a degree in economics.
I was teaching architecture.
I was always at MacLaren's.
She was always...
not spending all her time in a bar.
She was dating some finance
guy named Louis.
And I...
I was alone.
Ted, get ready to be surrounded
by half-naked, grease-covered bodies.
And by grease, I mean motor grease.
We're going to Robots vs. Wrestlers!
Kids, you remember Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Forget everything you
remember about Robots vs. Wrestlers.
This is Robots vs. Wrestlers: "Legends".
Elderly wrestlers fighting
old-timey robots
in a
wheelchair-accessible wrestling ring.
Why are we still sitting here?
I got a big lecture tomorrow.
Think I'm gonna take it easy tonight.
Ted, trust me, 20 years from now,
you'll be glad you saw Robots
vs. Wrestlers: Legends.
I can't imagine a world
where that's possible.
I'm serious.
20 years from now,
when my 26-year-old third
wife asks me about this...
- You make a lot of those jokes.
- I'm gonna say,
"Yeah, it was awesome, but
you know the funny thing?
- Ted almost didn't go".
- Hmm.
"But thank God he did, because
it was a great night".
And then she and I
will adjourn to the Jacuzzi,
where my fourth wife will
be waiting for us,
already warming herself up on the jets.
Oh, Robin's here... I'll
tell you the rest later.
Please do, that story could go anywhere.
Mwah.
- Hey, hello.
- Hey.
Here we are at the bar once more.
"What will I have to drink?" you ask.
Hmm.
Minnesota Tidal Wave.
"What's that?" you ask.
Only the best cocktail
ever. "Who invented it?" you ask.
Me.
And it's not a girly drink.
Lily, why would you even say that?
Girly drink.
Hey, I am the least girly girl on Earth,
and I love the Minnesota Tidal Wave.
Thank you, Robin.
Matter of fact, I'm going to go order
one right now with my head held high.
Lily.
- Lily. Yes, please, thank you, baby.
- You want me to order it for you?
- Ted, let me tell you the secret to life.
- Hmm.
Every time I make a
decision about what to do
on a given night, I ask myself,
"What would make the best
memory 20 years from now?"
So I let
20-Years-From-Now- Barney call the shots.
And it always works out.
And
20-Years-From-Now-Barney
thinks we should go to
Robots vs. Wrestlers?
I don't know. Let's ask him.
Close your eyes, Ted.
Okay, now open them.
Barney, I swear to God, if I
open my eyes and your bare ass
is an inch away from my face again...
Just open your eyes.
Ted, I'd like you to
meet 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.
20-Years-From-Now-Barney, you remember Ted.
'Sup?
Hey, Ted. What's
this I hear-slash-remember
about you not wanting to
see Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Yeah, it's just that
I don't want to see it.
- You don't...
- I know.
- He doesn't...
- I know.
Ted, trust us, it's gonna be legend...
wait 20 years for it...
dary!
- Legendary!
- Legendary!
Okay... I'm gonna go home.
- No, Ted, look.
- Come on!
If you don't believe
that Robots vs. Wrestlers
is gonna be a life-changing event,
maybe you'll believe
20-Years-From-Now-Ted.
- Whoa.
- 'Sup?
Wow.
Wow, so many things all at once.
But most importantly...
I don't go bald?
Nope.
And neither do I.
Eeh...
Ted, listen to me.
You, listen to you.
Me.
You got to go to
Robots vs. Wrestlers: Legends.
Trust me, you will
regret it if you don't.
So, what, do I go bald or something?
Is that a toupee?
- Ted, scalp check!
- Can't Robin do this?
Come on, you've been doing it for
years. You know the frame of reference.
Scalp check!
Hmm, that's odd.
Little early in the
week for scalp check.
Five tablespoons of sugar,
a whisper of vanilla vodka
and you're done.
Maraschino cherries.
Oh, and a handful of maraschino
cherries on top.
Wait, you're
ordering a Robin Scherbatsky.
Why didn't you just say that?
One second there, barkeep.
Unless I'm mistaken,
the drink this lady just ordered is
called the Minnesota Tidal Wave.
Origin unknown.
Oh, well, you know, Robin's
been ordering them so much lately
that we named it after her.
You named a drink after me?
Right there in the menu.
Congrats.
I can't drink this.
That's better.
I'm still seething, but that's better.
Okay, 20-Years-From-Now-Me,
level with me.
You. Us.
Is Robots vs. Wrestlers worth it?
It was the single greatest
night of my life.
Even greater than your wedding?
Well, I mean, when I get married,
that'll be the greatest
night of my life.
But who knows when that's
going to happen?
Oh, my God, you still haven't...
Man, I hope I meet her soon.
Oh, God, what is wrong with me?
I'm sorry!
I'm just messing with you!
Now, come on, are we going or what?
Fine, let's go.
Yeah!
Not so fast.
Barney, Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney,
20-Years-From-Now-Ted.
Who are you?
I'm
20-Hours-From-Now-Ted.
And you bastards aren't going anywhere.
So, you're the Ted from
20 hours from now?
Shh.
Just... shh.
You okay?
No, I'm not okay.
This dummy's about to
go to Robots vs. Wrestlers...
and yes, it'll be awesome...
See?
at first.
But then you're gonna
drink way too much,
hence the headache.
Then you're gonna jump into the ring and
sprain your wrist, hence the splint.
And then afterwards, you're gonna
smoke half a pack of cigarettes, hence the...
Well, that's the sound a good time.
And 20 hours from now, when you're me,
you're gonna want to come back
here, right to this very spot, right now,
and smack yourself upside the head.
Yeah, but obviously I wouldn't do
that 'cause I'd only be smacking myself...
Ow!
Don't do this to me,
Ted. Don't do this to us.
Don't listen to
yourself, Present-Day-Ted.
It's a day of pain for
a lifetime of memories.
20-Hours-From-Now-Me,
just tell me one thing:
do I hurl?
Yeah, kid.
You hurl.
A lot?
Remember when Mom
bought the beef from the Price Club?
Okay, how about this:
we go to Robots vs. Wrestlers,
but I don't drink too much?
Interesting.
- I'm good with that.
- No, forget it.
If Ted doesn't get wasted,
there's no way he'll end up making out
with that surprisingly realistic-looking
female robot.
Wait, I kiss a female robot?
Oh, you do a lot more than that.
Now, look, nobody is saying
you need alcohol
to have an exciting and memorable night.
- Absolutely not.
- Absolutely not.
But in this case, yeah, you
kind of have to be wasted.
You drink beers in cans still.
It makes the robot scarier.
They named my drink after her.
The Minnesota Tidal Wave.
It's my usual.
Immaterial!
If it's gonna be named after anybody,
it should be called
The Marshall Eriksen.
Sorry, it's The Robin Scherbatsky.
Read it and weep.
Oh, so you're gonna Zuckerberg me?
That it?
You're Zuckerberging me?
That's fine.
I'll see you in court.
Little court known as the dance floor.
Dance-off. Now.
No, no dancing.
Marshall, we've been through this.
The doctor said your dancer's
hip is worse than ever.
You have to lay off dancing for a while.
You're killing me, Lily!
You're killing me!
I'm an adult.
You have to let me dance my own battles.
Marshall, there's not
gonna be a dance-off
because the name is staying.
Period, end of story.
I just like having my name on something.
Oh, you do?
Oh, that's great, Robin.
Then that's what you will get.
That's...
what you...
will get.
Mmm,
mmm-mmm-mmm.
Oh, hey, Robin.
You here "for a good time"?
Classic.
Did you write my
number in the men's room?
It... Well, I don't know.
I guess you'll never know unless you go
in there, which I highly doubt that...
There she goes.
Okay, boys.
Close your eyes and zip your flies.
Hi. Don't mind me.
I don't think you should have done that.
Lily, I know what I'm doing, all right?
I'm a lawyer.
I've thought about every
possible scenario.
I'm ten steps ahead of...
Where's she going?
Probably into the ladies' room
to write something
on the wall about you.
Nobody writes things on
the walls of the ladies' room.
Have you been in the ladies' room?
Of course not.
Lily, I know that I have the
sexual charisma of a bad boy,
but I certainly don't
have the manners of one.
What'd you write in there?
Why don't you go in and look?
You know I can't do that, Robin.
Lily, can you go look?
Oh, I thought you wanted
to dance your own battles.
Ladies, put your blouses back on!
I'm coming in!
Dear Marshall,
I know this is a
strange way to apologize,
but I'm sorry I let Carl
name your drink after me.
Why didn't I say something?
Gosh, I guess that goes
back to my childhood.
Okay, guys.
Let's go to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
- Huzzah!
- Now you're talking!
- Here we go.
- Nope, sit down.
Everybody sit down.
Okay, who are you?
Hello, Ted, Barney, 20-Hours-From-Now-Ted,
20-Years-From-Now-Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.
Hey, how's it going?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm
20-Minutes-From-Now-Barney,
and I have got
something very important to...
What's the stain on your shirt, bro?
Please, please, I really do
have something very important to...
You look stupid.
Here's your spaghetti.
And be careful...
with the meatball.
And that's the only time my father
ever said he was proud of me.
Maybe that's why I stole
credit for your drink.
Maybe that's why I needed
to pour my heart out like this.
Or, maybe I wrote this so
you'd be in here long enough
for a lady to walk in,
causing you to freak out
and hide in the stall.
- So, you got a text message?
- Yeah.
Whoa.
Try to get some in your mouth next time.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
When I walked in here,
I was
20-Minutes- From-Now-Barney.
But that was 19 minutes
and some serious acid reflux...
who orders spaghetti at
an Irish bar?... ago.
Now, I'm
20-Seconds- From-Now-Barney,
and I'm telling you, watch that door.
Why?
That's why.
Um, oh.
In-in, like, 12 seconds.
Your skin looks great.
Thanks.
And thank you for
taking such good care of it.
Shh.
That's why.
Who is that?
She's the coat check girl
from that dance club we
went to seven years ago.
You remember that night.
When Barney grinded with his cousin.
Oh, man, you remember
that 20 years from now?
He won't let anyone forget.
Coat check girl.
I always meant to go back to that
club and get her number, but I didn't.
And now she's here?
She's in this bar seven years later?
I can't believe this.
So, wait, do you guys
think I should go talk to her?
- Are you kidding me?
- Yes, go...
- How many different ways...
- Idiot.
Hello?
Is anybody out there?
Sounds like the coast is clear.
No, no, wait! Please,
it's not my fault!
I was tricked!
Not cool, Marshall.
This is a nice bar.
Girls come here, they just
want to relax with their friends,
maybe have a few Robin Scherbatskys,
and not have to worry out some guy
pulling a Marshall
Eriksen in the bathroom.
No, no, no, I know. I just...
Wait a minute, did you just use my name
as shorthand for a guy being creepy?
Yep.
Well, you know what, Carl?
I think that you are making
a broad and prejudicial assumption.
So next time I meet a
guy who just goes around
rushing to judgment, I'm gonna say,
"Hey, that guy's being a real Carl..."
You don't know my last name.
You've been drinking here for years,
and you don't know my last name.
I will name every
drink in this bar after you
if you can tell me my last name.
Well, that just seems confusing.
How will you know what
people are ordering?
What's my last name, Marshall?
It's Carl...
's Junior.
Okay, wish me luck, everyone.
Break a leg...
What the hell?
Do not talk to her.
What-what... Who are you?
We are
20-Months-From-Now- Coat-Check-Girl.
But there's two of you.
Right, because if you go over
there and you talk to her,
20 months from now, it's
gonna end in one of two ways.
Either you are gonna get sick of me.
I made you muffins
because of your nickname: Muffin.
Or...
I am gonna get sick of
you and your stupid habits.
Stop DVR-ing the news. You're
never gonna catch up.
Oh, stop it,
you're scaring him off.
- By the way, I'm pregnant.
- No, she's not.
Okay, no, I'm not,
but that made you
happy for a second, right?
- Please shut up.
- Okay, wait,
so you're saying it's
doomed completely?
One of us is just
guaranteed to get sick of the other
and call it quits?
You've been dating for a long time, Ted.
Has it ever gone any other way?
Look at this one.
Thank you so much.
- Hey.
- Hey, you look kind of down.
Have a Robin Scherbatsky, on me.
None of this would have
happened if Lily had let me dance.
Baby, wait.
God, you're still clinging to that?
Marshall, it doesn't matter,
'cause you'd lose
anyway, and you know why?
'Cause I'm Sparkles, bitch.
Oh, and you think you can step to me?
You think you can
step up to the streets?
To me?
You think you can step
up over me to the streets?
- I guess we'll never know because you are not allowed...
- Wait, wait.
That's my jam.
Who's playing my jam?
# Like you carry dairy
there # Carry dairy there #
# Heinie heinie heinie ho
# Heinie heinie heinie ho #
# Work your derriere
# Work your derriere #
Dance-off.
You're on.
# Work that booty
# Work that booty, work that booty #
# Work that booty
# You got that pretty brown round #
# Want both hands all on
them chocolate mounds #
# Give you my Almond Joy...
Oh.
I think I'm gonna head home.
I understand.
What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
And how would I try and stop you?
I don't know, by
telling me life is short,
and if you ever come across a beautiful,
exciting, crazy moment in it,
you got to seize it while you can
before that moment's gone?
Ted, this moment already is gone.
The whole Minnesota Tidal
Wave thing happened five years ago.
It's just a memory.
And the rest of this
never happened.
Right now, Marshall and
Lily are upstairs,
trying to get
Marvin to go back to sleep.
Robin and I are trying
to decide on a caterer.
And you've been sitting here all
night, staring at a single ticket
to Robots vs. Wrestlers
because the rest of
us couldn't come out.
Look around, Ted.
You're all alone.
Kids, it's been almost 20 years
since that cold April night in 2013,
and I can safely tell you,
if I could go back in
time and relive that night,
there's no way in hell I'd
go to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
No, I'd go home.
I'd go to my old apartment,
see all my old furniture, my old stuff.
I'd see my old drafting table,
where I sketched out my first building.
I'd sit on that old couch
and smell the Indian food cooking
three stories below.
I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place,
be back in that old living
room where so many things happened.
I'd see the baby.
I don't know if you
can picture me holding
your six-foot-seven cousin
Marvin over my head,
but back then I could.
I'd go have a drink with
Barney and Robin,
watch them fight about their caterer
or whatever it was they
were fighting about that night.
But none of those things
is the thing I'd do first.
You know the thing I'd do first?
Hi.
I'm Ted Mosby.
And exactly 45 days from now,
you and I are gonna meet,
and we're gonna fall in love,
and we're gonna get married, and...
we're gonna have two kids.
And we're gonna love
them and each other so much.
All that is 45 days away.
But I'm here now,
I guess, because...
I want those extra 45 days...
with you. I want each one of them.
Look, and if I can't have them,
I'll take the 45 seconds before
your boyfriend shows up
and punches me in the face,
because...
I love you.
I'm always gonna love you,
till the end of my days
and beyond.
You'll see.
Can I help you?
Oh, hey, it's... Louis, right?
It's okay.
It's fine...
I'm in love with your girlfriend,
and... we're gonna get married.
- What?
- Yeah.
Okay, guys, I've been
waiting 20 years for this.
Just like we practiced.
No mistakes, ready?
One, two, a
- one, two, three, four.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
# For the longest
# For the longest time
Whoa-oh-oh
# For the longest
# For the longest time
# If you said good-bye to me tonight #
Ooh-ooh-ooh
# There would still
# Be music left to write
Doo-doo-doo
# What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you #
# That hasn't happened
for the longest time. #
your mother and I were very close
and yet very far apart.
I was living on West 82nd Street.
She was up on West 115th.
She was getting a degree in economics.
I was teaching architecture.
I was always at MacLaren's.
She was always...
not spending all her time in a bar.
She was dating some finance
guy named Louis.
And I...
I was alone.
Ted, get ready to be surrounded
by half-naked, grease-covered bodies.
And by grease, I mean motor grease.
We're going to Robots vs. Wrestlers!
Kids, you remember Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Forget everything you
remember about Robots vs. Wrestlers.
This is Robots vs. Wrestlers: "Legends".
Elderly wrestlers fighting
old-timey robots
in a
wheelchair-accessible wrestling ring.
Why are we still sitting here?
I got a big lecture tomorrow.
Think I'm gonna take it easy tonight.
Ted, trust me, 20 years from now,
you'll be glad you saw Robots
vs. Wrestlers: Legends.
I can't imagine a world
where that's possible.
I'm serious.
20 years from now,
when my 26-year-old third
wife asks me about this...
- You make a lot of those jokes.
- I'm gonna say,
"Yeah, it was awesome, but
you know the funny thing?
- Ted almost didn't go".
- Hmm.
"But thank God he did, because
it was a great night".
And then she and I
will adjourn to the Jacuzzi,
where my fourth wife will
be waiting for us,
already warming herself up on the jets.
Oh, Robin's here... I'll
tell you the rest later.
Please do, that story could go anywhere.
Mwah.
- Hey, hello.
- Hey.
Here we are at the bar once more.
"What will I have to drink?" you ask.
Hmm.
Minnesota Tidal Wave.
"What's that?" you ask.
Only the best cocktail
ever. "Who invented it?" you ask.
Me.
And it's not a girly drink.
Lily, why would you even say that?
Girly drink.
Hey, I am the least girly girl on Earth,
and I love the Minnesota Tidal Wave.
Thank you, Robin.
Matter of fact, I'm going to go order
one right now with my head held high.
Lily.
- Lily. Yes, please, thank you, baby.
- You want me to order it for you?
- Ted, let me tell you the secret to life.
- Hmm.
Every time I make a
decision about what to do
on a given night, I ask myself,
"What would make the best
memory 20 years from now?"
So I let
20-Years-From-Now- Barney call the shots.
And it always works out.
And
20-Years-From-Now-Barney
thinks we should go to
Robots vs. Wrestlers?
I don't know. Let's ask him.
Close your eyes, Ted.
Okay, now open them.
Barney, I swear to God, if I
open my eyes and your bare ass
is an inch away from my face again...
Just open your eyes.
Ted, I'd like you to
meet 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.
20-Years-From-Now-Barney, you remember Ted.
'Sup?
Hey, Ted. What's
this I hear-slash-remember
about you not wanting to
see Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Yeah, it's just that
I don't want to see it.
- You don't...
- I know.
- He doesn't...
- I know.
Ted, trust us, it's gonna be legend...
wait 20 years for it...
dary!
- Legendary!
- Legendary!
Okay... I'm gonna go home.
- No, Ted, look.
- Come on!
If you don't believe
that Robots vs. Wrestlers
is gonna be a life-changing event,
maybe you'll believe
20-Years-From-Now-Ted.
- Whoa.
- 'Sup?
Wow.
Wow, so many things all at once.
But most importantly...
I don't go bald?
Nope.
And neither do I.
Eeh...
Ted, listen to me.
You, listen to you.
Me.
You got to go to
Robots vs. Wrestlers: Legends.
Trust me, you will
regret it if you don't.
So, what, do I go bald or something?
Is that a toupee?
- Ted, scalp check!
- Can't Robin do this?
Come on, you've been doing it for
years. You know the frame of reference.
Scalp check!
Hmm, that's odd.
Little early in the
week for scalp check.
Five tablespoons of sugar,
a whisper of vanilla vodka
and you're done.
Maraschino cherries.
Oh, and a handful of maraschino
cherries on top.
Wait, you're
ordering a Robin Scherbatsky.
Why didn't you just say that?
One second there, barkeep.
Unless I'm mistaken,
the drink this lady just ordered is
called the Minnesota Tidal Wave.
Origin unknown.
Oh, well, you know, Robin's
been ordering them so much lately
that we named it after her.
You named a drink after me?
Right there in the menu.
Congrats.
I can't drink this.
That's better.
I'm still seething, but that's better.
Okay, 20-Years-From-Now-Me,
level with me.
You. Us.
Is Robots vs. Wrestlers worth it?
It was the single greatest
night of my life.
Even greater than your wedding?
Well, I mean, when I get married,
that'll be the greatest
night of my life.
But who knows when that's
going to happen?
Oh, my God, you still haven't...
Man, I hope I meet her soon.
Oh, God, what is wrong with me?
I'm sorry!
I'm just messing with you!
Now, come on, are we going or what?
Fine, let's go.
Yeah!
Not so fast.
Barney, Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney,
20-Years-From-Now-Ted.
Who are you?
I'm
20-Hours-From-Now-Ted.
And you bastards aren't going anywhere.
So, you're the Ted from
20 hours from now?
Shh.
Just... shh.
You okay?
No, I'm not okay.
This dummy's about to
go to Robots vs. Wrestlers...
and yes, it'll be awesome...
See?
at first.
But then you're gonna
drink way too much,
hence the headache.
Then you're gonna jump into the ring and
sprain your wrist, hence the splint.
And then afterwards, you're gonna
smoke half a pack of cigarettes, hence the...
Well, that's the sound a good time.
And 20 hours from now, when you're me,
you're gonna want to come back
here, right to this very spot, right now,
and smack yourself upside the head.
Yeah, but obviously I wouldn't do
that 'cause I'd only be smacking myself...
Ow!
Don't do this to me,
Ted. Don't do this to us.
Don't listen to
yourself, Present-Day-Ted.
It's a day of pain for
a lifetime of memories.
20-Hours-From-Now-Me,
just tell me one thing:
do I hurl?
Yeah, kid.
You hurl.
A lot?
Remember when Mom
bought the beef from the Price Club?
Okay, how about this:
we go to Robots vs. Wrestlers,
but I don't drink too much?
Interesting.
- I'm good with that.
- No, forget it.
If Ted doesn't get wasted,
there's no way he'll end up making out
with that surprisingly realistic-looking
female robot.
Wait, I kiss a female robot?
Oh, you do a lot more than that.
Now, look, nobody is saying
you need alcohol
to have an exciting and memorable night.
- Absolutely not.
- Absolutely not.
But in this case, yeah, you
kind of have to be wasted.
You drink beers in cans still.
It makes the robot scarier.
They named my drink after her.
The Minnesota Tidal Wave.
It's my usual.
Immaterial!
If it's gonna be named after anybody,
it should be called
The Marshall Eriksen.
Sorry, it's The Robin Scherbatsky.
Read it and weep.
Oh, so you're gonna Zuckerberg me?
That it?
You're Zuckerberging me?
That's fine.
I'll see you in court.
Little court known as the dance floor.
Dance-off. Now.
No, no dancing.
Marshall, we've been through this.
The doctor said your dancer's
hip is worse than ever.
You have to lay off dancing for a while.
You're killing me, Lily!
You're killing me!
I'm an adult.
You have to let me dance my own battles.
Marshall, there's not
gonna be a dance-off
because the name is staying.
Period, end of story.
I just like having my name on something.
Oh, you do?
Oh, that's great, Robin.
Then that's what you will get.
That's...
what you...
will get.
Mmm,
mmm-mmm-mmm.
Oh, hey, Robin.
You here "for a good time"?
Classic.
Did you write my
number in the men's room?
It... Well, I don't know.
I guess you'll never know unless you go
in there, which I highly doubt that...
There she goes.
Okay, boys.
Close your eyes and zip your flies.
Hi. Don't mind me.
I don't think you should have done that.
Lily, I know what I'm doing, all right?
I'm a lawyer.
I've thought about every
possible scenario.
I'm ten steps ahead of...
Where's she going?
Probably into the ladies' room
to write something
on the wall about you.
Nobody writes things on
the walls of the ladies' room.
Have you been in the ladies' room?
Of course not.
Lily, I know that I have the
sexual charisma of a bad boy,
but I certainly don't
have the manners of one.
What'd you write in there?
Why don't you go in and look?
You know I can't do that, Robin.
Lily, can you go look?
Oh, I thought you wanted
to dance your own battles.
Ladies, put your blouses back on!
I'm coming in!
Dear Marshall,
I know this is a
strange way to apologize,
but I'm sorry I let Carl
name your drink after me.
Why didn't I say something?
Gosh, I guess that goes
back to my childhood.
Okay, guys.
Let's go to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
- Huzzah!
- Now you're talking!
- Here we go.
- Nope, sit down.
Everybody sit down.
Okay, who are you?
Hello, Ted, Barney, 20-Hours-From-Now-Ted,
20-Years-From-Now-Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.
Hey, how's it going?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm
20-Minutes-From-Now-Barney,
and I have got
something very important to...
What's the stain on your shirt, bro?
Please, please, I really do
have something very important to...
You look stupid.
Here's your spaghetti.
And be careful...
with the meatball.
And that's the only time my father
ever said he was proud of me.
Maybe that's why I stole
credit for your drink.
Maybe that's why I needed
to pour my heart out like this.
Or, maybe I wrote this so
you'd be in here long enough
for a lady to walk in,
causing you to freak out
and hide in the stall.
- So, you got a text message?
- Yeah.
Whoa.
Try to get some in your mouth next time.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
When I walked in here,
I was
20-Minutes- From-Now-Barney.
But that was 19 minutes
and some serious acid reflux...
who orders spaghetti at
an Irish bar?... ago.
Now, I'm
20-Seconds- From-Now-Barney,
and I'm telling you, watch that door.
Why?
That's why.
Um, oh.
In-in, like, 12 seconds.
Your skin looks great.
Thanks.
And thank you for
taking such good care of it.
Shh.
That's why.
Who is that?
She's the coat check girl
from that dance club we
went to seven years ago.
You remember that night.
When Barney grinded with his cousin.
Oh, man, you remember
that 20 years from now?
He won't let anyone forget.
Coat check girl.
I always meant to go back to that
club and get her number, but I didn't.
And now she's here?
She's in this bar seven years later?
I can't believe this.
So, wait, do you guys
think I should go talk to her?
- Are you kidding me?
- Yes, go...
- How many different ways...
- Idiot.
Hello?
Is anybody out there?
Sounds like the coast is clear.
No, no, wait! Please,
it's not my fault!
I was tricked!
Not cool, Marshall.
This is a nice bar.
Girls come here, they just
want to relax with their friends,
maybe have a few Robin Scherbatskys,
and not have to worry out some guy
pulling a Marshall
Eriksen in the bathroom.
No, no, no, I know. I just...
Wait a minute, did you just use my name
as shorthand for a guy being creepy?
Yep.
Well, you know what, Carl?
I think that you are making
a broad and prejudicial assumption.
So next time I meet a
guy who just goes around
rushing to judgment, I'm gonna say,
"Hey, that guy's being a real Carl..."
You don't know my last name.
You've been drinking here for years,
and you don't know my last name.
I will name every
drink in this bar after you
if you can tell me my last name.
Well, that just seems confusing.
How will you know what
people are ordering?
What's my last name, Marshall?
It's Carl...
's Junior.
Okay, wish me luck, everyone.
Break a leg...
What the hell?
Do not talk to her.
What-what... Who are you?
We are
20-Months-From-Now- Coat-Check-Girl.
But there's two of you.
Right, because if you go over
there and you talk to her,
20 months from now, it's
gonna end in one of two ways.
Either you are gonna get sick of me.
I made you muffins
because of your nickname: Muffin.
Or...
I am gonna get sick of
you and your stupid habits.
Stop DVR-ing the news. You're
never gonna catch up.
Oh, stop it,
you're scaring him off.
- By the way, I'm pregnant.
- No, she's not.
Okay, no, I'm not,
but that made you
happy for a second, right?
- Please shut up.
- Okay, wait,
so you're saying it's
doomed completely?
One of us is just
guaranteed to get sick of the other
and call it quits?
You've been dating for a long time, Ted.
Has it ever gone any other way?
Look at this one.
Thank you so much.
- Hey.
- Hey, you look kind of down.
Have a Robin Scherbatsky, on me.
None of this would have
happened if Lily had let me dance.
Baby, wait.
God, you're still clinging to that?
Marshall, it doesn't matter,
'cause you'd lose
anyway, and you know why?
'Cause I'm Sparkles, bitch.
Oh, and you think you can step to me?
You think you can
step up to the streets?
To me?
You think you can step
up over me to the streets?
- I guess we'll never know because you are not allowed...
- Wait, wait.
That's my jam.
Who's playing my jam?
# Like you carry dairy
there # Carry dairy there #
# Heinie heinie heinie ho
# Heinie heinie heinie ho #
# Work your derriere
# Work your derriere #
Dance-off.
You're on.
# Work that booty
# Work that booty, work that booty #
# Work that booty
# You got that pretty brown round #
# Want both hands all on
them chocolate mounds #
# Give you my Almond Joy...
Oh.
I think I'm gonna head home.
I understand.
What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
And how would I try and stop you?
I don't know, by
telling me life is short,
and if you ever come across a beautiful,
exciting, crazy moment in it,
you got to seize it while you can
before that moment's gone?
Ted, this moment already is gone.
The whole Minnesota Tidal
Wave thing happened five years ago.
It's just a memory.
And the rest of this
never happened.
Right now, Marshall and
Lily are upstairs,
trying to get
Marvin to go back to sleep.
Robin and I are trying
to decide on a caterer.
And you've been sitting here all
night, staring at a single ticket
to Robots vs. Wrestlers
because the rest of
us couldn't come out.
Look around, Ted.
You're all alone.
Kids, it's been almost 20 years
since that cold April night in 2013,
and I can safely tell you,
if I could go back in
time and relive that night,
there's no way in hell I'd
go to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
No, I'd go home.
I'd go to my old apartment,
see all my old furniture, my old stuff.
I'd see my old drafting table,
where I sketched out my first building.
I'd sit on that old couch
and smell the Indian food cooking
three stories below.
I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place,
be back in that old living
room where so many things happened.
I'd see the baby.
I don't know if you
can picture me holding
your six-foot-seven cousin
Marvin over my head,
but back then I could.
I'd go have a drink with
Barney and Robin,
watch them fight about their caterer
or whatever it was they
were fighting about that night.
But none of those things
is the thing I'd do first.
You know the thing I'd do first?
Hi.
I'm Ted Mosby.
And exactly 45 days from now,
you and I are gonna meet,
and we're gonna fall in love,
and we're gonna get married, and...
we're gonna have two kids.
And we're gonna love
them and each other so much.
All that is 45 days away.
But I'm here now,
I guess, because...
I want those extra 45 days...
with you. I want each one of them.
Look, and if I can't have them,
I'll take the 45 seconds before
your boyfriend shows up
and punches me in the face,
because...
I love you.
I'm always gonna love you,
till the end of my days
and beyond.
You'll see.
Can I help you?
Oh, hey, it's... Louis, right?
It's okay.
It's fine...
I'm in love with your girlfriend,
and... we're gonna get married.
- What?
- Yeah.
Okay, guys, I've been
waiting 20 years for this.
Just like we practiced.
No mistakes, ready?
One, two, a
- one, two, three, four.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
# For the longest
# For the longest time
Whoa-oh-oh
# For the longest
# For the longest time
# If you said good-bye to me tonight #
Ooh-ooh-ooh
# There would still
# Be music left to write
Doo-doo-doo
# What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you #
# That hasn't happened
for the longest time. #