How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 19 - The Fortress - full transcript

In the spring of 2013,

Barney and Robin were just
weeks away from tying the knot.

But there were still some pretty
big issues they hadn't agreed on.

Adoption.

I don't know.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

I can't... I can't
believe you're not open to it.

Okay. Let's try it.

Nope, it doesn't work with 27 down.

Hey, with the wedding so
close, maybe we should talk about

where we're going to live.

Fine, enough. Stop begging.

We'll live here. But you owe me.

Yeah, I don't know...

there's just a lot of things I
don't totally love about your apartment.

Like what?

Well, for example, why is

your bed on what look
like train tracks?

You were wonderful.

Well, you don't get to be a
state-certified orgasmologist

without learning how to please a woman.

You don't mind if I spend
the night, do you?

Um, how else are we gonna get to know
each other on a deeper level?

Excuse me, I just have to log
tonight's orgasms with the licensing board.

The Ho-be-gone
Sleep System

by Stinson, patent pending.

What-what is on the other
side of the wall?

Where do the hos go?

What am I, a contractor?

We-we need to go into this marriage

with a fresh start.

What do you say we find
a new place together?

I love you.

And if that will make you happy,

then let's do it.

Wow, so we need to find an
apartment where I haven't banged someone?

How do you feel about Cleveland?

Nope. Ted's mom.

Nice job filling in for
Lily on Marvin's lullaby.

Thanks, but I came
in early on the horsie.

Stupid!

No, you really
nailed all of Lily's parts.

It's been three weeks since I have.

I barely see her
anymore 'cause of this new job.

Well, you know what might cheer you up?

Hmm?

There's a new
Woodworthy Manor on tonight.

Woodworthy Manor

was a show about an
upper class English estate

at the beginning of the 20th century.

My word! You can't possibly mean...

But I do!

With the succession of Lady
Eastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead,

our cousin Baldrick becomes...

the Earl of Witherstead.
- The Earl of Witherstead!

I only posted that
prediction 15 times on the forums!

No, I can't.

I promised Lily that I
would wait and watch it with her.

Problem is, the Captain.

Lily had just started a
job as the art consultant

for an eccentric
billionaire, the Captain.

Oh.

Ahoy.

There's a hot new artist in Red Hook.

He's molded

world currency into a
sculpture of a soulless plutocrat

defecating on the poor.

A scathing indictment of capitalism.

I'll go as high as $200K

as long as you think I can
flip it for double in six months.

Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Sorry.

Ahoy.

Here's this gorgeously
delicate impressionist still life,

reminiscent of Monet's water lilies.

Where is it?

Rikers Island.

The artist is serving two
consecutive life sentences

for aggravated homicide.

I'm willing to go as high
as six cartons of cigarettes

and a jug of toilet wine.

Is it a strain, feeling
like a single dad at times?

Sure, but Lily's been
busting her butt at this new job.

It's not like she's
been out there partying.

Man, I'm 'faced.

I ate a ton of caviar,

but it soaked up none of the champagne.

- Mondays, right?
- Yeah.

When did you get glasses?

Oh...

you mean my glare reduction lunettes.

Yeah. They help me discern genius

from pretentious crap.

Too bad you weren't wearing those
glasses when you bought those glasses.

Well, listen, baby, I'm just

happy to see you.

And if you're not too tired,

maybe we could watch Woodworthy
Manor tonight.

I'd love to.

Great! Because I've come
up with a fun little game.

I made figgy pudding

and I put it in shot glasses.

And every time they say,

"The dowager will be less than pleased,"

you have to...

Oh.

Ugh...

Ahoy.

A seven-foot-tall cross-dressing
Cambodian

is throwing glitter and fish
guts at a billboard on the B.Q.E.

So he's some sort
of conceptual painter?

No, no, just a crazy
person on the local news.

I thought you might have a
laugh. You're off the clock, relax.

I must own it.

Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Hey, did you find a
Realtor to sell this place yet?

Robin, a Realtor's just gonna
give it to the highest bidder.

I need this place to
go to someone worthy.

And I've made some inquiries.

Barney?

My son.

Barney, enough with
the floating Jor-El head

from the Fortress of
Solitude in Superman, okay?

It's getting old.

I only use it to say really
important stuff.

Last time you used it to tell me

Wendy's had introduced a
spicy version of "The Baconator".

Exactly.

And now, my son...

it is time for me to bestow on you...

Can we just talk
face-to-face like normal people?

Ted, just...

just...

okay?

My son,

it is time for me to bestow on you...

Close the door.

No. This is...

Oh, my God, can you just be cool?

Once? Please?

Just once?

Can you just once be cool?

Once?

Please?

My son...

for many years this apartment
has been my Fortress of Barnitude.

But now the time has
come for me to pass it on.

Soon, this place will become

your "Fortress of Soli-Ted".

Barney, I wouldn't live here even if
you scrubbed every inch of this place

with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water.

Fine.

But I think we can both agree,

it would be totally
awesome to see my deal

floating around all
huge-like on the big Jor-El cam.

Hold on.

Now, it's a little
cold here in the Fortress,

so don't judge the si...

Ted, wait.

What did you...

That's... okay, that's not funny.

Ted, open the...

Uh... walls closing in.

I can't... can't breathe.

Must...

show deal...

on Jor-El cam...

I can't...

Oh, well, guess I'm keeping
this place forever, good night.

Wait a... wait a minute, that's it?

Ted wasn't interested in
buying your apartment,

so you just gave up?

Barney, I gave up my beautiful
two-bedroom apartment

on the Upper West
Side that was rent-free

and the landlord
hand-washed all my delicates.

Which is probably why it was rent-free.

The point is,

I need to buy all new underwear,

and you agreed that we
would find a new place together.

Oh, God, Barney,

relationships are
about trust and compromise.

You can't just... Oh, you are so dead.

If I ever figure a way out of
here, I will make your life a living...

Lily and I really need this night out.

A big fancy dinner and the ballet.

Thank you so much for babysitting.

Hey, three bucks an hour, thank you.

Oh, hey, baby.

Yeah, I'm just on my way
out. If you get there before...

Come on, really?

I'll see you later.

Captain?

I'm sorry, dude. But, hey,

look at it this way:

now you don't have to go to the ballet.

Get your head out of your
ass, Ted. There was no ballet.

We were gonna sneak
into your apartment and bang.

Well, you know what might take
both our minds off that?

A little...

Woodworthy Manor.

No, I can't.

I promised Lily

that I would wait and watch it with her.

And I feel like I'd be cheating on her.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, I get all that.

It's just...

You know, tonight
they're gonna finally reveal

who framed the chimney sweep

for stealing Lord
Stoutshire's gooseberries.

And reveal the winner of the
local gardening competition.

I don't know how they're going to
pack all that action into one episode.

Oops.

No, Ted, you know

- I promised Lily, I...
- Shh, shh, shh.

Just let it happen.

Later that week, Barney
came home to discover

that Robin had a little
surprise waiting for him.

Wha...?

- Mimosas?
- Mm-hmm.

Freshly-baked cookie smell?

A middle-aged woman in a red blazer?

I see what this is.

You finally green-lit my orgy idea!

Okay. It's an open house, Barney.

Say good-bye to your fortress.

If we weren't about to have an orgy,

I'd be so mad at you right now.

If you'll follow me into the bedroom,
I'll show you some beautiful woodwork.

I am way too upset right
now to point out how many women

have seen some
beautiful woodwork in there.

Angry self five!

Rah!

Robin, I did not agree to this.

Yes, you did.

That is why I gave up my apartment.

Not so I could live in a
disease-riddled bang pad

haunted by the
ghosts of your ex-skanks.

The bathrooms are Italian marble.

Hello, old bean. Jolly
good evening, isn't it?

What are you doing here?

And why do you sound like Madonna?

Uh, Robin asked us all
to come here and pretend

that we are prospective
buyers who love this apartment.

And inspired by a character

on Woodworthy
Manor, I've decided to play

Emsbry Postlethwaite,

a handsome cricket player who
secretly hates his life.

You don't have to be a cricket player.

Tell that to Emsbry's father.

Sorry!

Oh...

I was checking out some mole
people's graffiti art

and my cape got caught on the F train.

Oh.

Bisou bisou.

Oh, what a cute baby.

What's his name?

Marvin.

For my father.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Have you two been looking at a
lot of places in this neighborhood?

- Oh, actually they're not...
- Yes, we have.

What?

My husband Emsbry and
I just love this area.

I'm a cricket player
who secretly hates his life.

What are you doing?

Well, you were late yet again,

and so I'm gonna do this little
scene study with Ted.

Why? Because he's there for me.

Pretending you're married?

That's going a little far to
prove your point, isn't it?

Excuse me, but I think it's
offensive to suggest

the only reason gay people
get married is to prove a point.

No, no, no, no, no.

I didn't... that's not what I...

Thank you, sister... somebody needs

to get this lady's
mind a rearview mirror

because she is thinking
in reverse. - Mm-hmm.

Hate is a four-letter word.

I didn't... I voted for...

Oh, is this part of a security system?

Sort of.

It's connected to the
welcome mat. You see...

Let's say the young
lady you're bringing home

is dressed for winter.

Under those layers, an
unwelcome surprise could await you.

The scale with body fat calculator

I've hidden under the welcome mat

makes sure you never
have banger's remorse.

The Heavy Set Go

by Stinson, patent pending.

'Cause there's only one kind
of chubby you want in the bedroom.

Am I right, people?

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

I don't want to tell
you and Emsbry how to raise

your child, but I think if
you keep letting him nap,

he's gonna be up all night.

Funny, you sound like someone who's been

around for his bedtime lately.

Uh, can somebody get
this lady a storefront

'cause she needs to mind
her own business, mm-kay?

Would you stop it?

Oh, right, right, because it's a choice.

You know what's not a choice?

Being gay for this kitchen.

That came out wrong... the point is,

let's focus on this awesome apartment.

You're right.

Look at that fabulous plasma television.

My ex-husband, who
never supported my career,

would love to watch the
Vikings never win a Super Bowl

in franchise history on that thing.

- How dare you.
- Don't let her push your buttons.

Right.

I don't care about football.

I'm more of a...

Woodworthy Manor fan.

I very much enjoyed
watching it the other night.

- With Emsbry.
- Oh, you didn't.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I know who deliberately overwatered Lady
Chillsbury's prize-winning roses.

They have been building to
that reveal all season,

Marshall, don't you tell me...

It was Parson Smallsby.

Wow, great view.

And customizable.

Let's say you
promised a girl a surprise trip

to the most romantic place on Earth.

No peeking.

Wow, we must've gone far.

We were on your private
jet for, like, six hours.

Well,

You definitely
weren't on a bus to Delaware

and back wearing
earplugs, I'll tell you that much.

And I think you'll
agree it was worth the wait

once you see the view.

Et voila ma ch?rie.

Oh, my God.

You flew me to Vegas?

It's... it's Par...

Well, hey, whatever works, whatever...

The Room With a Screw

by Stinson, patent pending.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to drive people away.

No, I'm not... I'm just trying

to show off all of its
one-of-a-kind features.

See, see, there's also... Venice.

Niagara Falls,

African safari.

Oh... and my favorite...

Huh?

Nothing gets a girl
to go from "on the fence"

to "on all fours" faster than thinking

everyone she's ever held
dear is a glowing pile of ash.

Mushroom cloud five.

I love you accent.

Thank you.

I practiced it all morning.

- You are adorable.
- Well...

That Marshall's a lucky man.

Well, aren't you ducky?

Seriously if you were straight,

I'd be all over you.

Huh.

What's this?

Oh, God.

Only the best thing ever.

Let's say you had a
wonderful night with a girl, but now

she's turning into a
bit of a morning-after pill.

See? We need to extend the chute

and add a landing spot.

And you said testing it
with a dummy was a waste of time.

No, I said "dressing the
dummy" was a waste of time.

The Escape From Bitch Mountain

by Stinson, patent pending.
- Okay.

He's kidding, it's just,
you know, in case of fire.

No, but I'm glad you mentioned fire.

See those smoke detectors?

Say these words.

"I'm looking for a deeper commitment".

It's also triggered by "I'm
too tired," "Let's snuggle,"

and "I'm a week late".

Barney, I'm getting wet.

And that turns it off.

Look, just stop talking.

We've made up our minds.

Oh, well, thanks for taking a look.

I'll walk you out.

We'll take it.

If you never get a black
light, you'll be so happy here.

Yes, yes!

Yes, yes.

Trouble in paradise?

We have a child together.

I can't believe you watched
Woodworthy Manor without me.

I can't believe that you're mad at me.

I've been abandoned by my
wife and my gay companion.

If I get blinded in one
eye by a badminton shuttlecock,

you might as well call
me Lord Esterbrooke.

You watched the new one without me?

Betrayal stings, doesn't it, Emsbry?

Hey.

- Hey.
- Listen.

- I...
- No, me first.

I've been thinking

and I realized something.

The Fortress of Solitude is where
Superman went to be alone.

And I never want to be alone again.

Thank you, Barney, that really...

But then I remembered in Superman II,

Superman gave up all his
powers to be with Lois Lane,

and he was honestly
kind of a vag after that.

- Oh, buddy, just quit while...
- Now, Superman III was

a complete train wreck totally.

What's your point?

That...

that I love you.

And...

I'm giving up my apartment for you.

And that the Superman films are uneven.

I really appreciate that, Barney, but...

Congrats. You guys are
getting a fantastic apartment.

I mean, I know some of the
features are a little weird.

A little?

We're gonna rip this
thing down to the studs.

I get it.

But, I mean, some
things might be worth saving.

- I don't see any.
- No.

You don't see any?

Sure some of the stuff in here

is creepy, but it's also brilliant.

I mean, a lot of
geniuses were kind of pervy.

Look at Thomas
Edison... why do you think

that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?

Yeah, we're taking a
wrecking ball to this place

and turning it into
something actually fit for humans.

Excuse me.

Get out!

The Fortress of
Barnitude is no longer for sale.

Also your husband has
been staring at my ass

all afternoon so don't
act all high-and-mighty.

- You turned them down?
- Yeah.

If I ask you to change too
many things about yourself,

you're not gonna be the
man I fell in love with.

Turns out, I accept and
appreciate even the grossest, creepiest,

most sociopathic parts of you.

Sounds like
somebody just wrote her vows.

Mm.

It's the Captain.

Ahoy.

There's a zebra at the Central Park Zoo

who's got quite a keen
hoof at photography.

Ironically, he's
great with color. Now...

Captain, I'll check
it out, just not tonight.

I need to spend some
time with my husband.

You sure?

I know it's been
tough, me working this much,

and I guess I went a little overboard

with the whole artsy thing.

I know.

- The cape.
- What about my cape?

I love it.

And I... I know that you love this job.

I should be more
supportive... I just miss you.

I miss you, too.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You guys are all so lucky.

When am I gonna find something real?

Well, Emsbry,

ready to see what it's
like to be with a woman?

I suppose there's a
first time for everything.

- Go ahead.
- My son.

Okay.

Yeah, all right.

Are you guys sure we're gonna like
this Woodworthy Manor show?

Yeah, it sounds kind of boring.

Kind of boring?

Grab a seat guys, but trust me,

you're only gonna need the edge.

Ah-ha, all right, now,

a little backstory.

Lady Stoutshire has developed
a serious case of croquet ankle

and the cook Mrs.
Bootbrush can't find enough chestnuts

for a proper St. Crispin's Day goose.

Let's watch.

- I love you.
- My wrist is broken.

- Worth it.
- Ow.