How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 22 - The Bro Mitzvah - full transcript

Ted and Marshall turn Barney's bachelor party into the worst night of his life, or is that exactly what they want him to believe?

Kids, this is the story of the night

Barney's life completely fell apart.

My life is finally perfect,

and that is never going to change.

Fired up for dinner
with my mom tonight?

Yeah. To help
streamline the rest of our lives,

you can always assume my answer
to that question is no.

- W...
- I'm pretty nervous.

Nervous? Why? It's
just gonna be two hours

of "I love Barney the most".
"No, I love Barney the most".

You're right. I may not
even get a chance to talk.

But I'm still... I don't
know. I'm worried she won't think

I'm good enough to be engaged
to her precious little Love-Love.

Okay, first of all,

it's "Wuv-Wuv".

And second, don't worry.

I'm just gonna drop
off our catering deposit,

and then I will be there for you.
- Mm.

Okay, well, please don't be
late. I am counting on you tonight.

And be careful... that's
5,000 bucks in there.

Uh, I think I'll be
okay walking four blocks here

on the Upper East Side.

Please, I swear I never
talked to the North Koreans!

Unless you are the North Koreans, in
which case I never talked to the South Koreans!

Barney Stinson,

you are being kidnapped.

For your surprise bachelor party!

A kidnapping.

Respect.

I was secretly worried you might not
be able to pull off my bachelor party.

Yeah, it wasn't that secret.

You two? Planning my bachelor party?

Look, you seem like nice kids.

But this is a sacred event,

a man's rite of passage with his bros.

His...

bro mitzvah!

You didn't just think of that.
You've been saying it for months every...

But here's my dilemma:

my average night is like an
average guy's bachelor party.

So, no offense, but if you two plan it,

it's gonna be ordi... why
wait for it?... nary.

Ordinary.

I can help.

You?

Look, you seem like a nice kid,

but bros' fianc?es
cannot plan bachelor parties.

Sorry. You two are on your own.

And you will disappoint me.

But make it great, okay?

But this is a strong start.

The students have become...

the intermediate students.

I just have to make one call.

Hello.

Robin, great news!

I've been kidnapped for
a surprise bachelor party

so I won't be there at all!

What? Barney, I can't do
dinner with your mom alone.

Okay, I'll call her, make
up an excuse and cancel.

And don't worry, I'll
take all the blame.

Hold on.

Hi, Wuv-Wuv.

Hi, Momsies.

I forgot, I'm mentoring an underprivileged
child tonight,

and Robin can't stand the
idea of dinner with you by herself,

so we're not gonna be able to...

Don't bother. She's already here.

Hold on.

Robin? Too late. She's already there.

Barney, don't...

Robin can't stand the
idea of dinner with me?

Great! We're all set then.

Don't you leave me alone with her.

- That problem is solved.
- I told you...

So what's the plan?

Well, you know the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?

Yeah.

You know the secret penthouse

in the top of the Taj Mahal
in Atlantic City?

Yeah!

Boom! There it is.

Visible from our window.

In the distance.

Behind the refinery.

Okay, you can't quite see it.

Why are we outside Atlantic City?

Well, we thought it was best,

what with your
weakness for games of chance.

Kids, Barney was addicted to
one Chinese gambling game

that was, well, sort of complicated.

But don't worry.

Back when you were engaged to Quinn,

you told us everything
you wanted for tonight.

A bachelor party is a man's...

bro mitzvah!

- Did you just think of that?
- Totally!

We can wear...

bro-mulkes...

spin the bro-del...

and consult the wisdom

of the Bro-rah.

Written in...

He-bro.

Not at all bro-ffensive.

Ooh, ooh! Couple other
ideas... and I'm just spitballing here...

so take 'em or leave 'em.

Booze, duh, cigars,
duh, strippers, duh...

Ooh! Things should get so crazy that
at some point we should fear for our lives.

Oh, we'll fear for our lives, all right.

When we watch Al
Gore's An Inconvenient Truth!

Yeah. We're gonna pound a
beer every time we hear the word

"catastrophic"

Oh!

Could that be...

the next item on your list?

Mind-blowing entertainment,

like a naked fire
show or a naked magic show.

There's a good chance our
engagement doesn't work out, isn't there?

Not now, honey.

Or a naked contortionist!

Or...

a balloon contortionist!

Balloons.

Not the inflatable,
round, squishy pouches

I was hoping to see tonight.

Hold on.

I told you no clown.

Well, you didn't like
the bubble guy either.

Hey, Robin.

Did you tell your mother I'm a virgin?

What? Why would you think that?

- Save yourself room for dessert.
- Mmm.

And I hear you excel at saving yourself.

You are so funny.

What's gotten into you?

Oh, that's right... nothing ever.

You may be nervous as to what goes
where on your wedding night.

It's really simple.

Let me show you.

And let's start with the fundamentals.

Why would you tell her I'm a virgin?

I panicked.

Look, I really want her to like you,

so just go with it, okay? Okay!

Listen, Wuv-Wuv, you
better get your ass back...

Another guest?

Who could this be?

Why, it's Lily!

And she's here to
deliver one of your requests!

Oh, thank you, Marshall.

Oh, not that one.

An appearance by my all-time idol,

the Karate Kid!

The Karate Kid was an
uplifting '80s classic

about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio,

who defeats the local
jerk, played by William Zabka.

At least, that's how most people saw it.

Here he is,

just as hot as when his Tiger
Beat photo spread gave a young girl

the courage to explore the suddenly
unfamiliar topography

of her changing body...

the Karate Kid!

Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.

- Listen, it's always flattering...
- No!

I hate Ralph Macchio!

I hate him, hate him, hate him!

He is not the Karate Kid!

The Karate Kid was William Zabka,

star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo,

who this monster defeated with a cheap,

illegal head-kick

in the most tragically
haunting film ending of all time.

Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.

Shut it, Ralph Macchio.

Why don't you go have a
party with Luke Skywalker

and Harry Potter and War Horse
and all the other movie bad guys

and stop ruining mine!

This night has been catastrophic.

"Catastrophic"! Everybody pound.

Sorry, bro.

I'm staying.

If this is anything like my bachelor
party... strippers, booze,

definitely no hand
stuff... wink-wink...

it is gonna be in... wait for it...

credible.

- Incredible!
- Wow.

- You guys are actually a lot alike.
- You take that back, sir!

I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

I mean, did you guys
even get a stripper?

Bro.

Bro.

Of course we got a stripper.

Do we look like the kind of dweebs

who wouldn't get a stripper?

And as the saying goes,

what happens in the sensibly-priced
business hotel outside Atlantic City

stays in the sensibly-priced
business hotel outside Atlantic City.

Who is it?

Police. We got a noise complaint from...

Oh, who am I kidding? I
can tell it's dead in there.

I'm the stripper!

Barney?

Quinn?

This is your bachelor party?
You're engaged again,

less than a year after we broke up?

- Is it Robin?
- Now, hold on.

You're not the only
one with questions here.

You didn't vet the stripper?

Well, I'm glad you're so happy.

After we broke up, I had
to move out of the city,

my car got totaled, and I had to
go back to stripping just to pay rent.

It's like everywhere I
look, my life is a dead-end.

Wow.

I am...

I'm so sorry, Quinn.

So, how does this work?

- Do you give me a private show, or does everyone...?
- I am not stripping for you.

Whoa, whoa! I was promised boobs.

- Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can...
- Lily.

Is that the Karate Kid?

- Yes! - Yes!
- Yes! - No!

- He's a lot like Barney, huh?
- You take that back, madam.

I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

Okay, okay. I'll tell you what.

I am going to strip for everyone here

except Barney.

And I'm gonna make it dirty.

Yeah... I'm the bachelor.

Kind of no stripping without
the lap of honor.

Back me up, bros.

How'd you even do that?

- What the...?
- Oh, my God, yeah!

Hey, Robin.

Hey, sweetie, having
fun at your bachelor party?

- No.
- Good, 'cause my night's been hell!

And that's the inverted chimney sweep,

the last of the 17
basic sexual positions.

- Now, bondage...
- Stop! I'm not a virgin!

My napkin ring has
seen plenty of breadsticks.

And one baguette.

I dated a center for the Knicks.

Oh, thank God you're not a prude.

Now we can really talk.

Four cosmos, pronto!

Now she's drunk,

holding up a napkin
ring and three breadsticks,

and talking about her night
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.

Waiter, can I have another breadstick?

And Young.

Please come back.

Okay. I'll be there soon.

- Real nice.
- So beautiful.

I think we really did it. I
think we did it, you know?

You didn't miss a thing.

- Oh, Quinn?
- Yeah?

You got a little... something.

Oh! Oh.

Let's head back, guys.

This night has been completely
half-assed.

- You obviously missed
the strip show. - Hey-oh!

Ted, this was my bachelor party.

A man only gets two or
three of these in his lifetime.

And this is all you do for me?

That's it, I'm calling it.

Who needs a ride back to the city?

Oh. Oh, guys, wait, hold on, hold on.

Drinking.

A shot.

Shooting.

A gun.

Shot, gun.

Shotgun?

Man, it's crowded in here.

I know, it's like a clown car.

Well, I can make some room
by grinding on Ralph's lap.

Si-Sitting! I meant, I meant sitting.

This is the worst bachelor party ever.

Man, my bachelor party
was incr... wait for it...

and I hope you're hungry, 'cause the
second half of this word is... edible!

Incredible!

Self-shake.

You take that back, clown.

I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

Yeah. You've got more in
common with the clown,

except his suit's more expensive.

Hey, yo!

I mean, what kind of
loser has his bachelor party

ten yards from A.C.
and doesn't even gamble?

- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh... oh, wait.

Just a little more. Okay, sorry.

Okay.

bro mitzvah!

Kids, I'll skip over the gambling.

Like I said, it was a complicated game.

Although your old man did
pick it up pretty quickly.

Hey!

You just won 300 bucks!

I just lost $5,000.

Oh, right. 'Cause the chicken.

Yep, that-that's $5,000, yeah.

See, I'm laughing

because you couldn't
see me take my top off,

but I just saw you lose
your shirt. - Hey-yo!

We have to go back.

Loser! Sorry, that was a real sneeze.

Might have made you
miss what I was saying.

- Loser!
- Loser.

We're not going anywhere.

I can still make this night legendary.

Uh...

Oh, oh.

Okay, I got some credit.

I just... mm...

- Marshall, stand over there for good luck?
- Oh, sure.

Okay, okay.

Oh! Oh!

You crazy son of a bitch, you did it!

I just lost $80,000.

Oh, right, right, yeah. 'Cause
the black jelly bean.

- That-That's
$80,000. - He's right.

You know, Ralph,

earlier at the salon, I
waxed on, then waxed off.

Everywhere.

Uh, listen, lady, your
husband is, like...

Hey, where is your husband?

Marshall?

Where's Marshall?

Okay, Lily, don't overreact, but...

Oh, oh.

Okay, I got some credit.

- Marshall, stand over there for good luck?
- Oh, sure.

You sold my husband?

Lily, can you be more
like the Chinese mobster

and give me some credit?

I'm going back for Marshall,
I just need to get some money.

You have nothing to worry
about, these are the "good" mobsters.

Wow, what kind of bozo
does that to a friend?

Shut it, Ralph Macchio!

No, you shut it!

Ralph Macchio's right, you are a bozo.

Um, I think they prefer
"people of bright color".

You know what a bachelor party's about?

Hanging out with your
friends and having a good time.

But you only care about the
good time, not the friends.

So you know what? I'm-I'm
done caring about you then.

I'm out of here.

Ted...

Ted, Ted, I have...

I just tore your mom
away from a living version

of a Nick Nolte mug shot
and put her in a cab home.

Thank you for abandoning me

on what has been one of the
worst nights of my life.

So, it's my usual
fee, plus I always charge

an extra hundred for
girl-on-clown action.

What the hell is she doing here?

Robin, I swear, nothing happened.

That means just hand stuff.

- You...!
- Oh!

No, no, stop, stop, stop!

Sorry, Barney, this...

this-this is unforgivable.

It's over.

You know...

I never got to do that.

Ted?

Robin.

We're right on schedule.

- Barney is suicidal.
- I know, it's awesome!

Yep, kids, we had planned out
every step of the night.

It started three weeks earlier.

and you will disappoint me.

But make it great, okay?

Oh, it'll be great, all right!

Okay, after two weeks of brainstorming,
all I have on my list so far is Purell.

Marshall, what do you got?

Well, nothing now.

This is impossible!

How do you make
something memorable for a guy

who makes every night the
best night of his life?

Give him the worst night of his life.

We'll give him the worst hotel room

with the worst entertainment,

the wrong Karate Kid,

and the absolute last
stripper he would want to see.

Hold on.

You want me to
pretend my life's gone to crap

and I'm back to stripping just
screw with my ex-fianc??

I love it!

That party will be so
terrible, he'll have to leave it.

Then I'll instruct his
arch-nemesis to say...

"I mean, what kind of
loser has his bachelor party

ten yards from A.C. and
doesn't even gamble?"

Barney will take the
envelope of cash I gave him

and head straight into our trap.

Hold on.

You want us to rig a casino game

to trick one of our
former high rollers?

Um...

I love it.

Well, then you get Barney to
use one of these guys as collateral.

- He'll probably choose me.
- What?

Well, I'd be worth
more. Yeah. Perfect teeth.

Yeah, it's just...

just I'm way more athletic than you.

Yeah, this coming from the guy
who's never beaten me at skee-ball.

The only reason a mobster
might choose you is because

they'd be afraid I'd go all
"Marshall Unchained" on them,

which obviously isn't a risk with you.

Oh, you want to see some
"Ted Unchained," huh?

I'll show you Ted Unchained!

Marshall, would you mind
standing over there for good luck?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Meanwhile, I'll make sure

he's abandoned me in
my nightmare scenario.

Hold on. You want me to help
you trick my own son?

I love it.

Barney deserves it.

You know, he told me you were a virgin.

Ridiculous!

I know.

You are a dirty ho-bag just like me.

But he loves you so much.

And so do I.

Wait, hold on. Is there any chance

this is all too mean to Barney?

Just kidding.

Okay, we just need the finale.

Oh! The Chinese mobsters chop
off my hand right in front of Barney!

Yes, we're all equally enthused!

Okay, here's the
plan. After I storm off...

Barney!

Barney, hurry! Give them the money!

- Please, hurry!
- Oh, no!

The Chinese mobster is
giving Marshall back

and taking me hostage instead,

because he says I'm obviously
more valuable!

Can you, can you unlock the door?

Barney, please!

- They're gonna chop off my hand!
- No, they're not!

They said you're free, and I think

we agreed that's not something
mobsters would do.

Ted, come on! This is my thing!

Don't hurt him. I've got the money.

Too late!

Not my skee-ball hand!

- No...!
- No...!

No!

Please, just don't shoot me
in the face... or the crotch!

Surprise!

What's going on?

Well, we decided to give you
everything you wanted for your bachelor party

without you even realizing it.

Wait, so that's why you made
me think Marshall might die?

And I'd lost all that
money and my friends hated me

and my wedding was off?

You just decided to-to check off

everything on this list in
the most twisted way imaginable?

That is

awesome!

And it was all planned by a girl.

Wow!

So, Lily...

later on tonight, you want to...?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That was all just part of the act.

Y
- You knew that, right?

Yeah! Totally.

We pulled it off, right?

Platonic shake!

Everyone, everyone, thank you
for an incredible bro mitzvah.

Mazel brov!

Mazel brov!

Mm, oh, you didn't really
get everything on the list.

N
- No offense to Ralph Macchio,

but he ain't the Karate Kid.

I couldn't agree with you more.

You know,

they almost didn't get me.

But after 18 voice mails...

I returned Robin's call.

And she told me

how you're one of the
few people in the world

who truly gets The Karate Kid movie.

So when she asked if I'd help,

well, my answer just had to be...

Hai!

William Zabka!