How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 9 - Disaster Averted - full transcript

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Psst. In here!

I'm safe.
Not quite.

The amulet, please,
Mr. Stinson.

Why?

Help! Help!
The kid.

Help!
Hang on, kid.

Grab my tie.

But you're not supposed
to take the tie off.

You lost a bet with your
friends Lily and Marshall

which requires you to wear
the tie for a full year.

If it means saving your life,
I think they'll understand!

They sound like nice people!

Yeah, they are.

Grab that...

Come on.

That's it.

Thanks, Mister.

How can I repay you?

You can stay in school,
that's how.

No!

True story.

But golly, I'm just gonna miss

the heck out of
that ducky tie. I really am.

Look what I just found
in the trash.

No!

Kids, you haven't truly
lived until somewhere,

somebody puts a sign up because
of something you did.

For instance...

Have you guys seen that sign
out front that says

"Absolutely No
Boogie-Boarding"?

What's that all about?

Oh, that's a great story.
You got time for it?

Well, I'm supposed to go to
my mom's birthday party, so...

please make it as
long as you can.

Well, it happened
a few months ago.

The night of the hurricane...

Kids, it was August 26, 2011,

and Hurricane Irene was
barreling towards New York.

Guys, guys, guys.

This storm is serious.

Luckily, you are friends
with a former Boy Scout.

And a Boy Scout is always what?

Unpopular?
Beaten up?

Going to the movies
with his mom?

A Boy Scout is always prepared.

Prepared to spend lunch
in his locker?

Prepared to die a virgin?

Prepared to paint
his sister's nails?

Prepared for emergencies!

That's why a week ago,

when Irene was just
a tropical depression-

You're a tropical depression.

This guy got us...

a disaster backpack,

and a rental car that seats
five, parked right outside.

We're gonna drive up
to my place in Westchester

where we'll all be safe.

Boy Scouted!
You're welcome.

Ted's right, we should go.

Hey, on the way out of the city,

do you mind if we stop at my
place so I can get something?

Okay, what did you have to get?

My drink on.
We're not going anywhere.

What? No!

We don't have time for this!
We gotta get going!

Ted, I'm older than you.
Yeah.

And taller.
Just older.

And when you reach my age,
and height,

you'll see that things like this
hurricane are no big deal.

They're going to close
the bridges.

You guys, we got
to get out of here.

I'm afraid I'm with
blondie on this one.

This storm is nothing.
I'm from Vancouver.

You know what we call
this in the Couv?

Barbecue weather.

Yeah, I'm with these guys.

Drinking beer in front
of Barney's giant TV

beats sitting in the car

listening to
Memoires of a Geisha.

Come on, we're at the best part.

Oh, it's my mom,
checking to see if I'm okay.

Hey, Mom.

Ooh, Mommy!
It's drizzling out!

I'm so scared!

Bikini weather.

Marshall, you're with me, right?

Sorry, old friend.

But I can't afford
to tempt fate.

Oh right, I was being
really weird.

I should explain.

Last summer I quit my job.

And then, a week before
the hurricane...

Huh, my medical
insurance just expired.

That gives me two uninsured weeks
before I'm added to your plan.

It's no biggie.

Ow!
Paper cut.

Death is all around us.

So for the next two weeks

he was basically a really
clingy Edgar Allan Poe.

The Grim Reaper beckons.

I feel his icy grip
around my throat,

the breath of his hounds
at my heels,

the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of
his scythe on my chamber door.

And you, with your
blithe request,

you only hasten
his inevitable triumph.

Is that what you desire?

Is that what you desire, Lily?

I just wanted you
to get us some bagels.

Bagels?!

Do you have any idea

what could happen to me
whilst getting bagels?!

What the...?!
No, not like this!

Fine. I'll go get the bagels.

No!

Why not?

And remember, not too
much cream cheese.

Half a shmear, max.

Thanks, baby.

No! No! Not like this!

Okay, now you're just
being ridiculous.

Well, life is ridiculous, Lily!

People get run over by buses

and hit in the nuts by
skateboards, bitten by babies.

Nobody wakes up and says,
"Today I'm gonna star

in a YouTube video."

You've said that at
least a dozen times.

Lily, for the next two weeks

you must be by my side
protecting me.

Why, what's gonna happen?

Answer: a hurricane.

Just let me take off the tie!
Please!

I have to wear this at work.

Do you have any idea
what that's like?

If the SEC pursues charges,
it's going to be all our asses.

Nobody takes this
more seriously than I do.

Please, can I take it off?

You... may... knot.

With a "K."

A little tie pun.

This is far from over.

You have a price, Eriksen,
and I will find it.

When the end of day is nigh,
I'll have taken off this tie.

I'm going to like the way
I look, I guarantee it.

So boogie-boarding...

Boogie-boarding. So I was trying
to get these guys to leave.

Hey, Nerdlinger,

what's with the safety boner?

I mean, come on.

The disaster kit, the car,
the ladies' rain boots-

Uh, they're men's.

Pink is just easier to
spot from the rescue chopper.

Look, forgive me for caring
about you guys,

but you're my best friends
in the world

and I just want to make sure
you're okay.

Ah. Ted, you are
a giant whining bummer.

Barney...

Come on, Ted,

this storm is not a big deal.

This storm is a big deal.

Let's replay
that harrowing footage

of Irene touching
down in North Carolina.

We gotta get out of here!

Go, go! Come on,
come on!

Please let me take it off!
No.

$5,000?
No.

Is he serious?

$10,000?

No.
Dudes, take the money.

$20,000?
No.

Yes. I'll let you slap me in the face

as hard as you can.
You have my attention.

Kids, you remember Marshall
and Barney's slap bet.

A few years earlier,
Barney lost a bet to Marshall.

His penalty was five slaps
delivered anyplace, anytime.

So far, Marshall had slapped
Barney four times.

Which meant he only had
one slap left.

What do you say, Marshall?

Are you going to seize
this slap-ortunity

or let it slap
through your fingers?

Don't let him
tempt you, Marshall.

I don't know, Lily. I mean
we have a baby on the way.

An extra slap could
really come in handy.

No! No!

This is crazy.

You having to wear that tie
for another ten months

is all the satisfaction I need.

Plus,

I still have one slap left,

and that feels good. But if
you didn't have that slap left-

if say, I were to get you
to slap me tonight-

I suppose that
would change everything.

I suppose it would.

Le jeu commence.

Je m'appelle Marshall.

So boogie-boarding...
Boogie-boarding.

So I was trying to get
these guys to leave,

but there was
one little problem.

Come on, let's go.

I'm staying.

What?!
Barney?!

Hey, hey, it's going to get
pretty crazy out there.

And if some hot woman gets
all her clothes blown off,

and I'm not up here
to videotape it

and put it up on the Internet,
who will, FEMA?

Come on, open your eyes.

No, no, you are coming with us.

We leave no man behind.

Hey, Mom.

Uh, yeah, the boots
were a big hit.

You know, I better pee.

But when Lily and I get back,
we're all leaving.

Wait, I have to go
pee with you?

You want me to go
to the "bathroom,"

the most dangerous room
in the house by myself?

Do you have any idea
what could happen?

Ow! My eye!

I'm blind!

No, no!
Not like this!

I don't think
we're seeing eye to eye

about the likelihood
of that happening.

Hey, it's my dad.

My dad's calling me.

Hey, do you know where...?
Ted got his boots?

Yeah. They're fabulous.
I totally want a pair.

Okay, Dad, I will. Thanks.

Guys, Dad says this hurricane is
a bigger deal than you thought.

I'm taking charge.
We are getting out of here.

Okay, what is with
everybody's parents calling

to check up on them?

It's just a little rain.

Lawn-mowing weather.

Bocce weather.

Wow. You're really bummed

that your dad's
not worried about you.

What?!

Eh... What would my
dad be worried about?

That I'm not wearing
enough sunblock?

House-painting weather.

Ted, you're back.

I've changed my mind.
I'm in. Let's go.

Yeah, I changed my mind, too.
You can't come.

Everybody else,
we're moving out.

That's harsh.

You know what else is harsh?
Ultraviolet light.

I fell asleep in the tanning bed
this week

and I think I got a sunburn
on my cheek.

It's so sensitive.

It's like a big, red bull's-eye.

Ouchie.

Did you take my blush
out of my purse?

So, boogie-boarding.

Boogie-boarding.

Oh, come on, Ted,

you can't just leave him here.

Uh, yeah, I can.

You called me a giant
whining bummer.

You're not allowed in my car.

You don't get to find out
if the geisha finds love.

This is about principle.

Hey, Ted.
I'm ready to go.

And you must be "Principle."

Ah, on a separate note,
guys, this is Maya.

I just met her out in the hall.

We have a lot in common,

such as our mutual love
of country music,

NASCAR and Jeff Foxworthy.
Just go with it.

She needed a ride
out of the city,

and we have an extra seat
in the car, so...

Okay, let's hit it!

Wow.

It's come to this.

You could help a friend,

but instead, you're choosing
the hot girl in

the tight tank top.

Your training is complete!

I'm so proud of this kid!

But seriously,
the storm's coming in,

so dump the hoochie
and wheels up.

You promised me a seat.

Oh, for God's sake.

You two both go.
I'll stay here.

What? Lily, no!
Shotgun!

You're staying. Then
Lily can come! Wha...?

No, no, no, I'll stay here.
Why?

I just want
some time away from you!

What?

Marshall, I'm sorry. I love you,

but I haven't had a second alone
in weeks!

It's summer vacation!

All I want to do is
sit in the bathtub

and read a book, but now...

Baby, I forgot to bring a book.

Do you mind reading
yours out loud?

Hey, it's been no picnic
for me either.

You don't even do the voices.

Blocked number.

Hello?

RJ? It's your father.

Daddy?

I love you.

It means so much
that you called.

Ha! I knew that you
wanted him to call. Busted!

That was you?

I really think
you should slap him.

You should slap him!

Slap him.
Slap him.

Two cheeks, no waiting.

Good, 'cause I really
think I'm gonna slap him!

So, boog -boarding?

Boogie-boarding.

Come on, Ted.

You're gonna give some
random floozy a ride,

but not take Barney?

Floozy?!

If she's going, I'm not going!

Lily, you're staying.
Let's go.

If Lily's staying,
then I'm staying!

Then I'm going.
Then I'm going.

You can't go, Marshall,
'cause I'm going.

If Barney's going, I'm
not going! Then I can go.

Then I'm staying.
Then I'm staying.

Then I'm going.

Then I'm not going.

Okay, you know what?
I'm going.

This storm's been on Doppler
radar for a week.

I'm the only one
who prepared for it.

And you all made fun of me.
So guess what?

This Boy Scout
is taking a hike. Good-bye!

Maya, real quick, did you think
there was anything here, or...

Oh, I have a boyfriend.

Good-bye!

Um, Ted...?

The time for evacuation is over.

Everyone should now go inside
and be prepared

to stay inside until weather
conditions improve,

which won't likely be
until Sunday afternoon.

We're stuck here?

Okay, let's not panic.

You know what?
Let's panic.

Hey, if we don't make it
through the night,

I want you guys to know,
and I really mean this...

I wish I had branched out
and made more friends in my 20s.

Well,

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

By myself, I guess.

Watch out for bears.

Since this might be the end,
I gotta confess something.

Can I?

Might as well.

Barney and I have been doing
the wild thing...

this whole time.

Except a brief period last year
when he was shacking up

with Marshall's mom.

But luckily, three-ways
were on the menu, so...

Marshall, you know she didn't
say any of that, right?

I know, but I just want
to slap him so bad!

But that tie is so stupid!
But the slap would feel so good!

But he hates that tie so much!

Perhaps I can help.

Marshall, ask yourself this
question: why today?

He hasn't said anything about
that tie for weeks,

and yet, suddenly today,

he can't wear it another second?

No, there's a reason.

You've got something coming up.

Something where you're

on display, vulnerable...

exposed.

It's not work-related.

No, this is relationship stuff.

You're trying
to impress someone.

In the lie you told,

you said you were being chased
by two goons.

So it's two people.

A couple, perhaps.

You're meeting
Nora's parents tomorrow!

Wrong!

Wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong, wrong!

It's in two days, and I really
want them to like me!

Oh-ho!
Therapisted!

Shrinked? Shrunk?

We'll figure it out.

So, boogie-boarding.

Boogie-boarding.

Hey, Lily, can I talk
to you for just a second?

Come here.

Marshall, if I'm in here to
brush your teeth, I swear to...

I'm sorry
that I've been so needy lately.

I know that you need
some time alone.

So... I'll be in
the other room.

You're not going anywhere.

Mmm...
Hey...

And the funny thing is,

after that night,
we'll never be alone again.

You made that in my bathroom?

Whoops.

Wow, a hurricane baby.

Oh, man, Hurricane Eriksen would
be a sweet name.

It would be a crazy sweet name!

Thanks, Ted.

Anyway, the next day,
after the danger had passed...

It's closed.

Now what?

A Boy Scout is always prepared.

Hey!

Nice!

To surviving the hurricane.

Yay!

I love you guys.
Love you.

I did finally make it up here
to the house later that week

only to find that
a falling oak tree had

landed in the living room.

If we'd been here, it would
have crushed us like bugs.

You see, kids, there's no way
of knowing for sure

where the safest place is...

so the best you can hope for is
to have some good company.

Guys, how far do you think I can
boogie-board on this thing?

So far!

Marshall, your insurance doesn't
kick in till tomorrow.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Life kicks in right now.

? ?

Don't worry, he wasn't hurt...

the first time.
I have splints!

The second time he went through
the front window of Maclaren's.

Hence the
"No Boogie-boarding" sign.

All right, guys, I gotta go.

Barney, good luck
with Nora's parents.

Bye.
Bye.

See you later.

All right. See you.
See ya.

Hey, Barney?

Hmm?

Listen, um, we made a baby

in your bathroom.

So we owe you one.

So we say...

you can take off the ducky tie.

For three slaps.

Three slaps?

And to be clear,
this would add three slaps

to Marshall's existing one,
giving him four slaps in total.

Deal.

I'm free!

God, this feels so good!

This was a mistake!

I wanna put the tie back on!

I wanna put the tie back on!

Why do I have to be
Barney right now?

Three slaps remaining!

Three slaps. Wow,
I like the sound of that.

I think I'll save
those bad boys,

you know, for a rainy day.

Okay.
The worst is over.

Ah!

Two slaps remaining!

It's all right.

Hey, it's all done...

for now.

I think I need to go home

and reevaluate how
I make life decisions.

Come on. I have
to go back to work.

Let's split a cab. Okay. Yeah.

Did you ever tell those guys
about that other thing

that almost happened?

That other thing?

Oh, that. No. Did you?

No.

Hey, I'm really sorry
about that phone call.

Oh, it's fine.

No, it is so not fine.
I was a jerk.

And if you don't mind my
saying, your dad is

a complete idiot
for not calling.

He should never let a day go by
without calling you

because when I let a day go by
without talking to you...

Um, that day's just no good.

Um, sorry.

Um...

It's my dad.

Wait, show me your hands.

My hands.

Hey, Dad!

That's what I've been saying!

Golf weather!

Can you believe we almost...?

I know.

Good thing we didn't.

Yeah. I mean, not
long after that

you got together with Nora.

And you met Kevin.

Yeah.
Disaster averted.

Exactly.

It would've ruined everything
if we'd been all...

ah-la-la-la...

I know, right?
So dumb...

La-la-la-la-la-la...