How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Slutty Pumpkin Returns - full transcript

Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney

had reveled in mocking
Aunt Robin's Canadian heritage.

To have to grow up
in Canada...

with America right there.

It's like an entire country
without a tailor.

Why? Why do we let
you be a country?!

But all that was about
to change.

I was on Facebook.

Nobody cool's
on Facebook anymore.

Well, you know who is
on Facebook now?

Everybody's parents.

And I just happen
to be friends

with Barney's long-lost father,

Mr. Jerome Whitaker.
- Me, too.

He's gotten really good
at Bejeweled Blitz.

And guess who thought my status
update about Manitoba was

so interesting because his
mother was born in Manitoba?

What?

Which means your grandmother...

No...

Which makes you...

Don't say it!

...one-quarter Canadian!

Welcome to the tribe, hoser!

No...

it's not true!

That's impossible!

Once upon a time
at a Halloween party,

I met a girl
dressed like a pumpkin...

a slutty pumpkin.

And she was extraordinary.

But she gave me her number
on a Kit Kat bar,

which was tragically given away
as Halloween candy.

So every year I return
to that same party

hoping I'd see her again.

But with every passing October,
that hope grew a little dimmer.

Then one day, after ten years
of searching...

Oh, my God.

The slutty pumpkin.

This might sound creepy,
but do you have a record

of who rented it in 2001?

Wow, that was easy.

You're not the first lovelorn
young man

to walk through that door.

Three girls got proposals off

my wife's slutty artichoke
costume.

Two others disappeared,
but I focus on the positive.

I couldn't believe it.
I actually had her address.

I knew I had
to play this right.

It's not like I could just walk
up and knock on her door.

Hi, you probably
don't remember me, but...

Halloween, ten years ago.

Now that's a slow play.

The next day,
Lily and Marshall headed out

to Lily's grandparents
for dinner.

Marshall loved it
out in the 'burbs.

Look how many fireflies
I caught!

Don't forget to poke holes
in the jar this time.

Now we have
a nice surprise for you.

Whatever it is,
we're saying no.

- What?
- You know what.

Every time we're here,

my grandparents stick us with
some big old piece of junk

they're getting rid of.

It's like the world's worst
Showcase Showdown.

It's a perfectly
usable lawnmower!

We live in an apartment!

But maybe someday

when we move to the suburbs...

We're never moving
to the suburbs!

And you also get...

this skinny microphone!

Oh!

Before we head out
to our place in Florida,

we wanted to give
our favorite granddaughter

a little something.

Ooh, it's so small.
I love it!

- A key?
- We're giving you the house.

Lily, I know you've
always hated the suburbs...

We'll take it!

For my first date
with the slutty pumpkin,

I took her someplace special.

Ted, this is so romantic.

The spot where
we first met

ten years ago.

Do you remember the song
that was playing that night?

I remember how beautiful
you looked.

♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪

♪ Cocked your head to the side
and said, "I'm angry." ♪

Is that, uh,
the Barenaked Ladies, huh?

♪ Five days since you laughed
at me ♪

♪ Saying, "Get that together.
Come back and see me." ♪

Kids, it took me ten years,
but I finally kissed her.

And it was... terrible.

Lily, you hate the suburbs.

I know, but my grandparents
giving us a house

right when
the baby's on the way?

It's perfect timing.

This is great.
I'm finally gonna be able

to barbecue with
proper ventilation.

Marshall!

We're moving
to the suburbs, baby!

Oh...

Okay.

Baby, you're not moving
to the suburbs.

Why not?

Lily is only agreeing

to all this because
of Pregnancy Brain.

Pregnancy Brain?
That's not a thing.

It's totally a thing.

Her brain is marinating in
a cocktail of hormones,

mood swings and jacked-up
nesting instincts.

I mean, yes, right now
Lily is a goddess

bestowing the
miracle of life,

but damn, she dumb!

Well, I have noticed some stuff.

I can't find my keys
or wallet anywhere!

I found them...

here in the freezer.

Hey, but where are
the ice cube trays?

No idea.

Those poor ice cubes!

I guess she has been
a little off lately.

A little? She just texted me

wanting directions back
from the bathroom.

Oh. We're over here!

You're doing great, sweetie!

That moron should not be making
big life decisions right now.

If you let her move
to the suburbs,

it would be like taking
advantage

of a helpless drunk chick.

What? Where?!

Oh, I got a girlfriend, right.

Baby, we should put
off moving.

Why?

Because I think
the pregnancy is

affecting your judgment.

No, Marshall, this is
an amazing opportunity

that we have
to take advantage of!

Just because my body
is growing a fungus...

Fetus.

...doesn't mean that my metal
factories...

Mental faculties.

...are in any way funicular.

No idea.

Mmm...

This is nice.
What is this?

Canadian whiskey.

I want scotch!

American scotch
from Scotland!

Get that swill
away from me!

Why are you doing
this to me?

You have been ripping
on Canada

since Justin Bieber was
knee-high to a snow blower.

So now this Canuck's
gonna beat on you

like the drummer from Yukon
Blonde hopped up on Timbits.

- Hey.
- Hey!

How was your

big date with
the Snuffy Tuffkin?

The Sniffy Napkin?

The Slouchy Foreskin?

Lily tie-tie.

It was good... ish.

Look, there's Orion's Belt.

Oh.

Why does holding hands feel
this weird?

Should our fingers
not intertwine?

What's causing that
pinching feeling?

I'll just cup her hand.

There. That's...

not great.

Her hair's up my nose.

Her shoulder's jabbing
into my windpipe.

Maybe if we reposition.

I have to say something.

She must be feeling it, too.

This feels so right.

We fit like two puzzle pieces.

Yeah.

Ted, I know you've waited
ten years for this girl,

but some things
just aren't meant to be.

Not so fast.
At the end of the night,

when I leaned in and somehow
accidentally kissed

her open eyeball, there was a
slight flicker of something

I might even call chemistry...

adjacent.

Thank you.

Wait.

Where is my cash?

Oh, yeah,

I did a little exchange
for ya, Canucklehead.

This Canadian dollar here
is called a "loonie."

And this two-dollar coin?
A "toonie." True story.

It's federal currency
and you people talk about it

like it's a Hannah-
Barbera character.

Not you people, Barney.

Our people.

Even though my first date
with Naomi was

a little awkward,

our second date was
a lot awkward.

Mmm...!

This is the worst
kissing of all time!

Mmm...

How could she possibly
be into this?

She sounds like
those cows in

Temple Grandin's
hug machines.

Do you want to listen
to some music?

Uh-huh!

Ted, this is our song.

Let's make love to this song.

♪ Chickety China,
the Chinese chicken ♪

♪ Have a drumstick
and your brain stops tickin' ♪

Yeah, I just gotta run
to the bathroom.

♪ X-Files with no lights on,
we're dans la maison. ♪

Hey, doofus!

It's me:
you at age 15.

And we made a deal

we would always boink any chick
that wants to boink us!

Yes, she's beautiful,

it's just there's
no connection there.

I don't feel intimate with her.

"Intimate"? Let me remind you
of some things

you did feel "intimate" with
when you were 15:

a catcher's mitt,

an oven mitt,
a glass of warm water,

a half-open hide-a-bed sofa,
a top-loading VCR!

It's not gonna happen!

Come on!

It'll take, like, 30 seconds!

Naomi, listen...

Shh...

You like that, Ted?

Hmm.

Do you ike it
when I caress your hair?

Your hair is
so nice to caress.

Why is she saying that word?

I like to caress your hair.

There it is again! "Caress!"
Who says that?

Caress.

The thing is,
I like her, okay?

I really, really like her.

I just don't seem to like
anything she says or does.

I have to break up
with her, don't I?

Yes!

After you sleep with her, yes!

Marshall, I've been thinking
about what you said.

You're right, we shouldn't
move to the suburbs.

Let's not make any huge life
decisions right now.

Is this because you tried
to make waffles

with the laptop this morning?

Anyway, I'm gonna call
a real estate broker

to come look at the
house tomorrow.

Oh, by the way,

I ordered those Minnesota
Vikings drapes.

You're right, they're totally
gonna class up our apartment.

Okay, yes. It's wrong
to bang a drunk chick.

But you're an idiot if you don't
get, like, a little something.

Yo, Canada.

What? Dammit!

Ha, you answer to "Canada" now.

I'll make you a deal.

You wear this costume

to the Halloween party
tomorrow night,

I'll drop it forever.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I am as serious
as a poutine shortage

in Chicoutimi during
a curling bonspiel.

I don't know what
any of those words mean.

Yes. You do.

Oh, that must be the broker.
Marshall, will you get it?

Sure. Of course.

Trick or treat!

Oh, my gosh. How cute!

I'm sorry, we don't
have any candy.

Um, we forgot about
trick-or-treaters.

We don't get any where we live.

Yup. Only get this
kind of cuteness

in the suburbs.

Oh. Look at how sweet and
happy and unarmed they all are!

Are you using adorable
little children in costumes

to manipulate me?
- Bye!

I mean, did you even call
a real estate broker?

No.

I've got Pregnancy Brain
like a fiddle

and I've been playing
you like a fox.

♪ Oh, Canada... ♪

♪ Our home and native land... ♪

I knew it would be tough
to break up with Naomi.

But when it's just not there,
you can't force it.

Happy Halloween.

And just like that, I was
taken back ten years...

to the hopeful kid in
the hanging chad costume,

falling head over heels
for the Slutty Pumpkin.

I made you something.

- Oh.
- Your costume from that first night.

Although you do realize
that even ten years ago,

the hanging chad reference
was like almost a year old.

Wow...

I can't believe you made this.

I can't believe you found me.

Stay strong, Teddy.
We can do this.

I...

"Have to break up with you,"
just say it.

Love...
Wait, what?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Say sunsets!
Pancakes! Anything!

Just don't say...

You.

No!

Barney? Where are you?

You're moving slower
than John Diefenbaker

climbing Mount Hungabee
on Boxing Day.

Those are all real references
to our shared homeland.

I'll be right there.

Can't wait to see you in your
costume, Dudley Do-Right.

♪ Living in America ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Eye to eye ♪

♪ Station to station ♪

♪ Living in America ♪

♪ Hand in hand ♪

♪ Across the nation ♪

♪ Living in America ♪

♪ Got to have a celebration ♪

♪ Rock my soul ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

If we move here, you're just
going to have that baby,

and then you're going to hate me

for letting you do this.
I'm going to love it here.

Oh, we'd have so much
room in the suburbs.

You can get that pinball
machine you've always wanted.

You can put it
anywhere you want.

Stop it. You don't
know what you're saying.

Anywhere.

Upstairs, downstairs...

you can stick it in the back.

Lily, I want to be
inside this house so bad.

USA! USA!

USA!

Come on!

Okay, so rather than
wearing a Mountie costume

and end this forever,

you show up shirtless
to an outdoor party?

It's practically November.

No biggie. I ain't cold.

Huh. Interesting.

It's fascinating.

Almost as if your body was
accustomed to low temperatures

after generations of adapting.

Canada.

No.

Guys, hey. Robin,
Barney, this is Naomi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Nice to meet you guys.

I'm gonna go make some Tootsie
Rolls. It's a drink I invented.

There's a song and dance

that goes along with it,
but I have to

drink three of them
before I can do it.

Oh.
Okay. You go.

This way.

Sounds delicious.
In theory.

But you never know
until you taste it.

Ted... have you tasted
her Tootsie Roll?

Of course not.

- Ow.
- Wait. Have you?

You had sex with someone you
have zero feelings for!

U-S-A!

U-S...

Stop it.

Just no part of it felt right.

At first there was too much
eye contact, then not enough.

Where do you look during sex?

Um, into the hidden camera
at future me watching it.

Okay. Wait. How does

saying "I want to break up
with you" lead into sex?

I didn't say "I want to
break up with you," exactly.

What did you say, exactly?

"I love you."

Classic Schmosby.

Marshall, this house
wants you so bad.

"Mow my lawn.

"Rake my leaves.

Winterize my pipes""

Yes!

Yes! I'm coming...

to terms with this decision!

Oh!

Trick or treat!

Yay!

Okay.

Oh.

Happy Halloween.

- Lily.
- Yeah?

You just gave
those children

a stapler,
a pair of sharp scissors,

and a pretty decent
Pinot Noir.

I did?

Oh, my God.

I'm going to miss
that stapler so much.

I'm not doing
so great, am I?

Maybe not.

We shouldn't make any
huge life decisions

right now, should we?

Hey, look, I love you and
I-I love the idea of raising

our kids with a lawn
and a white picket fence,

but we have our whole lives
to decide when

and if we want
to do that.

Do what?

Let's get you home.

Ooh.

That's for the stapler!

I hate the suburbs.

Naomi...

We have to
end this.

W-- huh?

I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me

really honest.

Ted... I know
you're super into me.

But we are terrible together.

Wait, what?

I've been trying, saying things
felt good that didn't just to...

I thought saying it was good
would make it feel good, but...

...it always felt off.

Why won't he stop
sniffing my hair?

And what's up
with the hand holding?

It's like he's trying
to win a thumb war.

Ted, this is our song.

Oh, no, he thinks
I'm actually into this song.

Does he not get sarcasm?

Let's make love to this song.

I'll just be even more
ridiculous

to make it clear it's a joke.

♪ Chickety-China,
the Chinese chicken... ♪

I...

Uh-oh, where you going
with this, buddy?

...love...

Nope, too soon.

Say basset hounds,
Pretzel Crisps, anything but...

...you.

Oh, God, just kiss him
before he proposes.

Ted, I've been looking
for the Hot Hanging Chad

for the last nine Halloweens.

I've waded
through a sweaty parade

of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters,

Antoine Dodsons,
and that jackass

who always dresses as laundry.

Oh, I hate that guy.

That's why,
once I finally found you...

...it was hard to let you go.

Good-bye, Ted.

Let's just not touch ever again.

Probably a good idea, yeah.

Okay.

Kids, after spending a decade
dreaming of the wrong girl,

I wanted more than ever
for the next woman I met

to be the real thing.

Yeah, I don't know, Barney,
she doesn't seem like my type.

I will kill you.

I'll see
what I can do.

Oh, hey there, I'm
Barney, how are you?

No, I'm Barney.

Whoa.

You pack quite a wallop there.

Hope you didn't
hurt your hand.

Why are you so nice?

Oh, sorry about my
thick noodle there.

How about we split the
cost of the vase, eh?

Holy Zamboni.

Wow, you really put your
weight behind that one.

That was a
really good one.

Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that
was a real Chiclet rattler.