How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 10 - Tick Tick Tick - full transcript

Kids, Einstein was right.

Time moves at different speeds.

To Barney, the previous night
raced by in a blur.

But then, all of a sudden,

time stopped.

This might be the worst
thing I've ever done.

Hey, now,

you weren't at the top of your
game, but it was still pretty...

Oh, my God!

I just cheated
on Kevin.

He is the nicest guy ever.

I'm a terrible person.

It's okay.

We both cheated.

What's that saying about
two wrongs making a right?

"Two wrongs don't make a right"?

No, that's not it.

Oh, my God.

I just cheated on Nora.

How could I do this to her?
What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Well...

Can I ask you, did
this mean anything?

Of course it did.

Of course it didn't.

Which one are you looking for?
I could see it going either way.

It meant nothing.
It meant nothing!

How could you say
it meant nothing?!

Of course it meant something!

No, it didn't! It can't.

Okay? You're with Nora,
and I'm with Kevin and...

I have to go.

Wait, what are
we gonna tell them?

Nothing.

God! We made a
horrible mistake.

But it-it is over now.

There's no reason to hurt more
people by talking about it.

You're asking me to lie?

That's... fine.

Damn it.

Nora and I have that work cruise
tomorrow night.

We're all supposed
to go together.

Okay, I know this is thinking
way, way out of the box,

but what if-- and hear me out--

we don't go?

No.

I just want this whole night
to fade into history,

so we have to act like
it never happened.

We should go.

I mean, it's a three-hour
boat ride--

what could happen?

I'm sure that's what Gilligan.

Groovapalooza!

All the smug hippie bands from
the '90s in one big concert

Ah, even the tickets

smell like cloves
and mediocrity.

Ah, to really
take us back,

I scored us bag
of, yes, mari...

Kids, we used to do something
before concerts

to enjoy them more.

And that thing was to...
eat a sandwich.

...nated steak subs.

Oh, yeah!

Well, as future parents,
we'll pass on the sandwiches.

How could you even suggest
such a thing, Ted?!

I better
get my 60 bucks back.

No sandwich?

Marshall, it's a palooza.

We've eaten sandwiches
at every palooza.

Lollapalooza, Funkapalooza...

Gender-diversity-awareness-
palooza, junior year.

Yeah, there were
some real bitches there.

Okay, quick,

before Lily gets here,
let's fire this up.

No way. I promised Lily
that I would be responsible.

You're not getting
your 60 bucks back.

Give me that.

Hey, how you
holding up?

Well, I'm about to be
trapped on boat all night

with the guy I cheated on,
the guy I cheated with

and the girl that the guy
I cheated with cheated on.

So, not super.

Hi, Sandy.

You're welcome.

I did not say "Thank you."

Oh, you're too kind.

Too kind.

Excuse me, I
should really try

to have sex with
that new intern.

Robin's boss, Sandy Rivers
hosted this cruise every year,

mostly to hit on
the new employees.

And he'd found a clever way
to never spend a cent.

Up next, another four deaths

in Arizona's record-breaking
heat wave.

You want real
record-breaking heat?

Try Kristoff's Jalapeño
Coconut Vodka martini.

Muy caliente!

Okay, Nora and Kevin

are gonna be here any minute.

I thought I could handle this,
but I can't.

Okay, um, here's the plan.

We'll grab one of the
lifeboats, get back to shore,

destroy the tape
of us doing it...

There's a tape of us doing it?

...and we'll start
a new life together.

Somewhere simple and homey,
like Vermont or Dubai.

Wait, is that what you want?

For us to be together?

Hey, Robin.

Oh, God, I really
can't do this.

Don't worry. Just follow my lead
and keep cool.

Hey, guys!

They know!

Oh, no.

I think that sandwich was
laced with other stuff.

Like, hard meats.

What do you mean?

Well, usually after a sandwich,
I feel paranoid. But I'm not.

Why am I not
feeling paranoid?!

What do you mean?
Calm down, dude!

We'll be fine.

Lily's gonna know.

Listen to me.

Whatever we were just
talking about...

we'll be fine.

You're right, she
won't find out.

Hey, guy

She knows!

Good evening.

A special welcome
our four new interns:

Erika... and so on.

One safety matter:
life preservers are

on the side rails,
in case anyone falls overboard.

That's it.
Have a good night.

Don't drink too much.

Or do.

Beautiful night,
huh, gang?

Yeah, Robin and I
were just cheating--

chatting about
how warm it is.

I'm breaking a
trust-- sweat

in here.

And I thought
we'd be cuckold.

I know why you're
so nervous, Barney.

You do?

You're meeting Nora's parents
tomorrow night, right?

That's it!
That's it!

Let's dance!

Bah!
Whoo!

Lily has no idea I'm high.

You're high?

I'm sorry.

Lily has no idea I'm high.

Okay, well, if
your pregnant wife

has to sit here
sober all night,

she's gonna need
some of them nachos.

You got it.

Hey, dude, fork over
some of them nach...

No, not his.

My own.

Ah. Smart.

Come on, Ted.

What?

And thus began the most
harrowing journey of our lives.

To this day,
Robin and Barney swear

this is the song
they danced to that night.

♪ You fooled around
on your baby ♪

♪ Now the least you could do
is to tell her the truth ♪

♪ Yes, you in the suit ♪

♪ Or that secret
will eat up your soul ♪

♪ Girl, the guilt's
gonna drive you crazy ♪

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ You can't live with this lie,
Kevin's such a nice guy ♪

♪ Gotta tell him tonight ♪

♪ Tell them right here
on this boat ♪

♪ You're like scum round
the edge of a toilet bowl ♪

♪ Flush ♪

♪ What the hell is in the place
where you should have a soul? ♪

♪ Slut ♪

♪ You did these two wrong ♪

♪ Don't wt too long ♪

♪ In fact, you know what? ♪

♪ Tell them
right during this song ♪

♪ Tell ', tell 'em,
tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em ♪

I'll wait.

♪ Tell 'em, tell 'em,
tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em ♪

Oh, come on, seriously,
you're not gonna tell them?

We have to tell them.
Right now.

♪ Sure, act like
it was your idea. ♪

Seriously, you guys suck.

Marshall and I were still
in line to get Lily's nachos.

Dude, we've been
waiting forever.

Even worse, this is the
line for the ladies room.

I can't believe that our
last Groovapalooza was,

what, 12 years ago?

I mean, time is
going by so fast.

I know, it's crazy.

In, like, an eye blink,

this hand will be, like,
an old man's hand.

I recognize the clichéd nature
of what I'm about to say,

but... whoa!

Yeah.

312?

That's our gate.

Dude, we just walked around
the entire arena.

We've been walking
for, like, an hour

and we still haven't
found the nachos.

I bet Lily
is so upset.

Yo, you want
my nachos, bro?

Thank you.

My husband's been gone an hour
looking for these.

If he can't even do that,
how can I trust him as a father?

You can't, bro.
You can't.

I like your long goatee.

Marshall can't even
grow a beard.

Oh, that's sad.

'Cause one's ability to grow
facial hair directly correlates

with one's ability
to be a good father.

I know it does.
I know it does.

Oh.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you know
where the nachos are?

Marshall!

Over here.
I found the nacho line.

Oh.

So, how'd it go with Kevin?

Well, I was just about
to tell him...

ok, Kevin...

Erika, I've been meaning
to speak with you all night.

Really?
What about

About me bending your hard
little body over the railing

of this boat
and copulating furiously

while I admire
the New York City skyline.

Or, if you're feeling dirty,
we can always face Jersey.

Thoughts?

Jalapeño!

And just a hint of coconut.

Kevin hit his head,
he might have a concussion.

So obviously
I couldn't tell him.

What about you?

Something even worse
happened to her.

I got a tiny spot of wine
on my sleeve.

I couldn't pile on.

I'm not a monster.

Where are they?

Come on, forget
the nachos.

Everyone here
is having fun.

Look, even these guys.

Check it out.

Wow, music really does
bring people together.

Ted? Ted!

Creepy guitar guy
is following us.

We did a whole nother lap.

Oh, man, we missed like,
half the concert now.

Come on, let's just go
back to our seats.

Ted, Ted, Ted.

The nacho line
was right here all along.

So stupid.

As soon as we dock,
I'm taking Kevin to the E.R.

God, wish last night
never happened.

I don't.

What do you mean?

What if this whole thing,

it isn't the story of how we
both made a horrible mistake

and ruined our relationships,

what if it's actually the story
of how we got back together?

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
one last time.

Is this what you want?

It's what we both want!

Why else are we rushing
to tell them what we did?

On a boat!
That is a terrible idea!

Barney, we tried this
and we failed.

Why try again?

Because I haven't stopped
thinking about you

and you haven't stopped
thinking about me.

It's such a mess.

Why...

Why do you even like me?

I guess...

'cause you're almost
as messed up as I am.

Well, there's the small issue

that we're currently dating
other people.

How about this?

After we dock, let's each do
what we have to do,

and then meet up at MacLaren's
at midnight and...

talk about us.

Don't forget
your mystery gift bags!

They're condoms.

We just went all the way
around again!

Where the hell
are these nachos?!

Who cares
about nachos?

Oh, I love nachos, man!

You gotta relax, man.

You keep worrying about stuff
like nachos,

you're gonna give yourself
a heart attack.

- I'm going back in.
- Fine!

Ha! Joke's on you!

The nacho line was right here
all along!

Robin and Barney
were finally off the boat.

so they both assumed
it was going to be a lot easier

to admit
what they had done.

Kevin...
Me first.

Look, I don't want
to make too much out

of saying "I love you"
for the first time.

Any way I can jump in
with my thing?

Robin... I love you.

Okay, Nora, lo...

Mom! Dad!

Hi, Nora, we
got in early!

Should've done it on the boat.

Ah!

Hey, where's your friend?

We missed almost the entire show
because he put his stupid quest

for nachos ahead of our
friendship, so I bolted.

Well, I'm just a creepy old
guitar player,

but isn't any time spent
with a friend a blessing?

And if nachos is all you seek...

take mine, brother.

Wow!

Thank you.

It's a sign, bro.

It is.

It's a sign
I should go find Marshall!

Marshall! Marshall!

So, Barney, Nora's told us
so much about you,

but we want to know everything.

Uh, let's see. Suit, laser tag.

I say "wait for it" a lot.
That's about it.

You two must be exhausted.

I'll make coffee.

I'm so glad to see how happy
you both are.

When you meet
the right person,

you know it.

You can't stop
thinking about them.

They're your best friend...

and your soul mate.

You can't wait to spend the
rest of your life with them.

No one and nothing else
can compare.

Now, where the hell
is that coffee, eh?

Look, Nora, there's something
I have to tell you.

Heart attack.

Oh, God, Ted was right.
I have to relax!

Ted!

- Marshall!
- Ted?

Ted!
Marshall!

Oh, Ted! Oh, Ted!

I'm so sorry! You were right.

No, Marshall, you...
Yeah, I was right.

But look, nachos!

Come on. Let's
go back inside.

That's it.

It's over.

We missed the whole show.

So...

yup, I love you.

Look, Kevin...

there's something
I have to tell you.

I cheated on you.

I don't even know
how to react.

I am so sorry.

I know I don't get
any second chances,

but you will always be...

Was this a one-time thing?

Can you tell me
it didn't mean anything?

No.

I'm sorry, Ted.

I still want to have fun,

There's just not
enough time, you know?

I know.

It's all going by
so damn fast.

Lily!

Hey! Oh, Lily,
I'm so sorry

that we ruined our night.
Yeah.

What are you guys talking about?

You've been gone less
than two minutes.

Kids, she was right.

My hand.

Whoa!

Ah! concert!

Nachos! Ah!

Music!

- Time!
- Nachos!

Thank you!

It's a sign, bro.

Oh, oh...

Heart attack!
Marshall!

Marshall!

Time...

Lily!

Marshall, do you get
what this means?

Life isn't moving
too fast.

We-we still have time
for everything

And we're not gonna miss
the concert!

I'm freaking out right now.

- We gotta get out of here.
- Yeah.

Do you guys know where
the ladies' room is?

- No idea.
- Haven't seen it.

Hey! How's it going?

Oh, not great.
Nora and I broke up.

Oh, my God, what happened?

I don't really feel like getting
into it, but...

I think the worst part is over.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, Kev.
- What's up, Kev?

How's it going, buddy?

Hey, guys.

There's something
I have to tell you.

Then don't.

What?

If there's one thing I've
learned as a therapist,

it's that just because something
needs to be told

doesn't always mean
it needs to be heard.

Kevin, I did something bad.

We've all done bad things.

Doesn't mean we're bad people.

Look, I don't care

about every detail
from your past,

and I hope you don't care
about mine either.

What I do care about is you,

and that from tonight forward,
you're in this as much as I am.

What do you think?

I'm such a mess.

Why do you even like me?

Come here.

I am constantly amazed
by the things you say,

entranced by the things you do,

and unlike a certain Jalapeño
Coconut Vodka martini,

you're easy on the eye

And if we're together
long enough,

I hope that one day you see
yourself the way I see you.

That's a pretty good answer.

Sometimes hours
can feel like minutes

and sometimes a single second
can last a lifetime.

For Barney, the second that
would never end was this one.

Well, um, I should go.

Tough night.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be. It's nothing.

It feels good to be sober again.

Man, how long have we been
sitting here, right?

12 seconds and you're
in the wrong booth.

I should go to bed.