How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 6 - Mystery vs. History - full transcript

By the fall of 2011,
technology had taken

a lot of the intrigue
out of life.

The Internet had everyone's
wall of information.

Nothing was a mystery anymore.

But, kids, there was
a time before that,

way back in the dark ages.

Are you people insane?!

The most popular food in America
is the cheeseburger!

No way! It's pizza!

Are we forgetting about
a certain Mr. Furter,

first name Frank?

Um, what did every kid
bring in their lunchbox

every day till
grade eight?

Pancakes with
maple syrup.

Thanks, Canada.

We're looking for a food
the average American eats.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh!

Chinese food.

And then came the smartphone.

Hey, remember

when we were arguing about
the most popular food?

It's bread.

Hm.

And the barroom debate
was dead.

You guys are idiots!

Okay, not completely dead.
You are seriously telling me

you don't want
to open that envelope

and find out if you're
having a boy or a girl?

Nope. Dr. Sonya only gave us
this in case we wanted to know.

But we don't.

Lilypad and I are just gonna
wait till that baby pops out

and enjoy the big surprise.

Look, I have pretended
to be a licensed therapist

enough times to know
there is something unhealthy

about your not wanting
to find out.

- Back me up here, Kev.
- No, no, no, no, no.

This real therapist
won't risk upsetting

his wonderful new girlfriend by
analyzing her wonderful friends.

No matter how mentally
unbalanced they may be.

I hear you.

I don't think you do.

We just don't want to
burden our little angel

with all kinds of
gender-specific expectations.

Boys can do ballet;
girls can play football.

Hell, the Green Bay
Packers have been

proving that for years.

That would've gotten
a big laugh at a sports bar.

Well, I say define
gender roles early.

All the other girls
got a pretty dress

and a cake when
they turned 14.

Me...

I want to go home, Daddy!

That direction is
nothing but wolves.

And 40 kilometers that way
is the mining town of Smithers.

I'd take my chances
with the wolves.

I'll see you in three days.

Well, wait, wh-what
am I supposed to eat?

Hey, you've got a knife,
the forest is full of animals--

what do you want, a buffet?

Papa...!

Happy birthday, son...!

Got any thoughts
on that, Doc?

If you guys think I'm going near
that, you're crazy.

Why'd you
emphasize "you're"?

No reason.
You're pretty.

By the way, do you guys want
to come over tomorrow night

for sangria and tapas?

Si. Muchas gracias.
That sounds awesome.

Great. We're also
gonna paint the nursery.

Oh, and a quick update
on the sangria and tapas--

that's cancelled.
Mmm...

Guess what smooth
son of a bitch

just picked up
a girl at the bar?

Barney, you're cheating
on Nora already?

No, guys, it's me.

Janet McIntyre.

Struck up a conversation
at the bar

while ordering, she guessed
bread right away,

we laughed, it was
a thing, boom, going

out tomorrow night.

- So, she said yes just like that?
- Just like that.

There's
something wrong with her.

No, no, no, no.

Stop it. They
always do this.

Every time I go
on a first date,

they snap right into
research mode.

It started by accident.

Ooh.

Hello?

Ted, we did a little
Internet research

on your Mia Plumley.

We just sent you

a picture of her
from six months ago.

I don't understand--
is Mia standing behind

this morbidly obese wo...
Oh, my God!

They had cookies and cream.

And what you were saying
about how women feel

they have to starve themselves
makes so much sense.

Ooh, hot dogs. Score!

After that, background checks

became standard
operating procedure.

The date with Nadine went great.

Unless you guys found something.

Are you sitting down?

No.

She's wanted in Florida
on crystal meth charges.

She breeds pit bulls
for dog fighting.

- Also, the FBI...
- What's this link?

Oh, she also writes
online movie reviews.

Anyway, she's still married to
a death row inmate convicted...

She gave Annie Hall
two out of ten stars?

"Slow and overrated"?

Really? That's
your takeaway?

It's the Wood Man at
the height of his powers.

The way he broke the fourth wall
by talking directly to camera?

People have been
ripping that off ever since.

Can you believe this guy?

Paula Vincenzo.

She's in the bathroom.

What's wrong with her?

Total psycho.
Her Facebook wall

has a link to a site about
dating inanimate objects.

For most of last year,
she was engaged...

to a mini fridge.
And there's pictures:

her and the mini
fridge on a hike,

her and the mini fridge
in wine country,

here's the mini fridge
meeting her parents...

Run like the wind.

So... want to go
back to my place?

Yeah, all right.

Well, thanks to us,
you ran screaming from

that freak show, right?

- Absolutely.
- Cuckoo!

So what's the problem?

You need us.

No, I don't, okay?

I don't want a
background check.

I want adventure
and excitement.

Look, if it's
a choice

between mystery
and history,

I want mystery.

In fact...

Ted, I wouldn't...

Uh, Janet.

I have a theory.
People don't get the chance

to just discover
each other anymore, so...

here's my idea.

Before we go out tomorrow,

let's not do any prior
Internet research on each other.

It sounds like I'm hiding something
horrible, doesn't it?

I'm pretty sure
you're a serial killer.

I'm not. I'm not.

It's just, you know, like,
when my parents met,

they didn't have the Internet--
they just went out

on a blind date
and fell in love.

That's nice.
And they're still together?

Right up to the divorce.

The point is, I'd love
to get to know you

in person, not on my computer.

I like that.
What started out

sounding really creepy
turned out really sweet.

That's kind of my move.

And she was

on board with the whole
"no Internet" thing?

She loved it.

The bitch is
hiding something.

The bitch is totally
hiding something.

Hey, Ted, before you leave--

is Janet McIntyre
M-A-C or M-C?

For the last time,
I don't want to know

anything about her
before the date.

You might want to see this,
Ted-- naked pictures.

That's not Janet.

Who, now?

Seriously...

if you guys respect
me as a friend...

stop looking.

Well, Ted was pretty
clear there, so...

let's shut those laptops

and go help Lily and Marshall,
just like we promised.

Let's leave

the laptops here
and go paint that baby room.

Without laptops.

Or bring the laptops.
Either way.

This is exciting.

I give you...

the color our child
will grow up with.

Yellow, like the sun.

Or daughter.
Pun snuggle.

Oh, God, this room's about
to get its first spit-up.

Just open the envelope already!

Kevin, will you please
tell Barney that it is

perfectly normal for us to want
to preserve the mystery.

I'm not here to analyze; I'm
here to win boyfriend points.

By the way, you all
look great, especially Robin.

Come on, if you don't
know the gender,

you're gonna get generic crap
at the baby shower.

But if you do know the gender,

you'll get, oh,
I don't know, this!

Marshall! Lights!

Okay.

When little Jack's
not turning double plays,

he's turning heads with this

home run of an outfit!

And if it's a little girl...

This royal ensemble
may leave you speechless,

but it's sure to make
little Sally say,

"I wuv you, Mommy,
and I wuv my dress,

and I would love
to see you in the shower."

Sorry, I kind of fell out of
character in that last part.

But if you don't
know the gender...

Little Fran is sure to be
the pariah of the playground

in this hermaphroditic
burlap sack.

♪ ♪

Marshall! Lights!

Barney,

you don't really care abo'.

No. You just

can't stand

not knowing something.

That's ridiculous!

Marshall, will you...

will you hold
these for a second?

Yeah, sure. Why?

Because I gots to know!

Oh, Barney, no!
Help! Get him off of me!

Everybody hold it!
Hold it!

I found Janet McIntyre,
who's been widowed three times.

She's obviously
killing her husbands!

Oh, my God!

They're six minutes
into the date.

Ted's probably already told her
that he loves her!

We've got to get down there!

Nobody's going anywhere!

Why?!

Kids, at that moment,

Kevin thought back
to his earlier rule...

This real therapist
won't risk

upsetting his wonderful
new girlfriend

by analyzing her
wonderful friends.

...and threw it out the window.

You're all the most
codependent, incestuous,

controlling group of
people I've ever met!

By the way, you all look
great, especially Robin.

Oh, mm-mm.

This is so great.

Right? See, if we'd
researched each other,

we'd both be secretly
steering the conversation

one way or the other.

But this is
more exciting, right?

Way more exciting.

I mean, we can talk
about anything we want.

Anything.

So...

...how was the traffic
getting here?

You picked me up
at my apartment.

I certainly did.

Oh, my God,

I've lost the ability to talk
to girls without the Internet.

My brain is
completely shutting down.

So, are you folks gonna have
dinner or just drinks?

I-I don't know.

What the hell
was that, Kevin?

We're all crazy just because

I'm looking up some stuff
on the Internet,

and Barney wants
to know the baby's gender?

Well, to be honest,

I noticed some
other disturbing...

Never mind.

It's nothing. I'm sorry.

I gots to know!

Okay, last night alone...

When-When are you coming back?

Because I miss you, silly!

Wait, who's he talking to?

Shh, I'll be back soon.

Yeah, you want me
to bring you a pretzel?

Ted's texting me
from the bathroom.

Oh.

I don't get it.

- It's just a "C" with an apostrophe.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes when one
of us is on the can,

we'll, uh, sneak a peek
and then text each other,

you know.

Symbols to describe what your
bowel movement looks like?

This morning,
I took an ampersand.

Last summer,
I dropped a deuce

that actually looked
like the number two!

When you worked
late Wednesday,

I... I got
lonely and...

I watched Survivor
without you.

Practically the only unhealthy
behavior I didn't see

from you people
was physical violence.

Yeah.

At least we don't do that.

And to top it off,

all the meddling
in Ted's love life,

not to mention Lily's pregnancy?

It all strikes me as
just deeply dysfunctional.

So what you're saying is,
we're fine?

So, while this font is often

mistaken for Helvetica,

the fact is...

it's Helvetica Bold.

I can actually hear the sound

of her vagina being boarded up.

I got to be honest, Janet.

First of all...
this is Times New Roman.

Second, I'm having trouble

coming up with things
to talk about.

You? I'm sitting here thinking,

"Damn it, I wish I had something
as good as that font thing.

That's gold."

Guys, I'm so sorry
I said anything.

Um, you basically called
my friends mentally ill.

Yeah, you think some lame
apology will fix that?

What if I just paint the rest
of the room by myself?

Apology accepted.

Okay, let's do this.

Let-Let's find out
each other's likes and dislikes.

Start with something
totally random.

Like, um, oh, I don't know.

Are you a fan of--
I don't know--

Annie Hall?

I'm guessing that's not random
at all, and you use that movie

to test whether a girl is cool?

No, it's-it's the first movie
that popped into...

I love Annie Hall.
Oh, thank God you're cool.

But just as things started

to go well
with Janet McIntyre...

Whoa. I just found
Janet McIntyre.

The Janet McIntyre.

Sweet... mother... of God!

Uh, well, I got to
run to the restroom.

No internet, Mister.

If you find out my deep, dark
secret, I'll have to kill you.

It's just my friends
checking up on me.

I'll politely let them know
we're having a lovely time.

Okay.

Ted says, "I'm not clicking on
the link, so leave me alone."

And then either texted me a
bunch of symbols for profanity,

or got food poisoning

and dropped the weirdest deuce
of all time.

You guys have
to see this.

No. We're with
Ted on this.

We don't want to
find out about Janet,

just like we don't want to
find out about the baby.

Because we like mystery,

whether it's the hairy
majesty of Bigfoot,

or the bloodsucking ferocity
of the Chupacabra,

or the gender
of our little miracle.

Thanks for putting
those together

in the same
sentence, sweetie.

Mm.

Look, if you guys don't want
to know, how about this?

Let me look,
and I won't tell you.

Absolutely not.
Fine.

Baby, if it will shut him up,

what's the harm?

Can I...?

This may have been a mistake.

Boy!

Do I like babies!

Girl!

...friend,

your hair looks
fantastic!

Twins!

was the feel-good movie of 1988.

Okay, Barney, hey, it doesn't
matter what you guys say.

We're not gonna cave.

Yes, we are!

Oh, just open
your eyes.

This gender-neutral
yellow is horrible!

We're clearly gonna paint
over the whole thing!

That's what you want to hear.

I gots to know!

Yeah.

"It's a..."

It's a...

Where is the rest
of the card?

I ripped it in half.

I knew you'd be
desperate to see it,

and I'll give it to you.

All you have to do is admit
that mystery is stupid

by reading
about Janet McIntyre.

This is in no way
emotional extortion.

You guys are great.

Fine, we'll look
at your laptop.

Sweet...

mother... of God.

I can't really see
the computer screen.

It just went down
the wrong pipe.

Whoa.

If Lily and Marshall want me
to click on it,

maybe Janet really does have
a deep, dark secret.

What's going on?

I'm a prostitute.

You didn't think I was

actually into you, did you?

Sort of.

Get it together, Mosby.

Oh.

You don't buy beer,
you rent it.

Am I right?

This is the
men's room.

I know.

I'm a dude.

Listen, there's something
you should know.

I lied.

I only kind of liked Annie Hall.

I gots to know!

Sweet...

mother... of God.

Hey.

Ted, are you okay?
You look freaked out.

I'm not freaked out.

I was freaked out. Why?

'Cause I had just discovered
that Janet McIntyre was...

amazing!

And just like that,
the wall went up.

Okay, he looked at
Janet McIntyre's

Internet
extravaganza.

Here's the other half
of the card.

Wait. Should we
do this? I...

I don't know.
I mean, my soul says no,

but these hideous
yellow walls scream yes.

Should I just stop, or...?

Sweet mother of God!

A dog in Ottawa ran all the way
to Saskatoon!

What?

We figured out the Janet thing.

I'm catching up on Canada.

You're with me on this, right?

Otherwise, I can go down,
and I can get the card.

Absolutely.

Oh, thank you.

And so the gender
remained a secret,

but Janet McIntyre's life
no longer was.

There was only one problem.

Ted, what's going on?

Nothing.

Did I mention
that I'm the youngest architect

in New York history
to have a skyscraper built?

Oh.
So, I'm not quite

as far beneath you
as you might think.

Why would I think that?

No reason, but this one time
in sixth grade,

I saw a raccoon trapped
in a gutter, and I told my dad,

and the firemen came
and got it out,

so it's not like I pulled a baby
from a creek or anything,

but at least
I didn't ignore it

and keep lighting bugs on fire
with my magnifying glass.

We had one promise,
and you broke it.

What are you talking about?

You looked me up, and now
you find me intimidating.

Why-Why would I find you
intimidating, okay?

It's not like
I donated a kidney,

but I donated blood once,

although I wound up fainting,

and they had to put it
all back in.

I was so excited about this.

But now you're just a blubbering
idiot like the rest of them.

No, I ain't!

I mean, no, I never do
that thing you says.

What I mean is,
you gooder than me

no make difference!

And that's that.

I wish to God I'd never
clicked on that link.

I'm sorry, Ted.

We were just
trying to help.

I said it was meddling
and manipulative,

but Kevin insisted we butt in.

No, it's my fault.

I never should have looked.

In the battle
of mystery versus history,

it's best
not to know.

Lily Pad?

What?

We're having a boy.

We're having a boy.

We're having a boy!
You're having a boy!

We're having a...
we're having a boy.

We're having a boy.

We're having
a boy.

I'll go buy
some blue paint.

It needs sharpening.

You see? I told you three days
would go by in no time.

Phineas, take us up!

Well, in case
you were wondering,

it rained the entire time
I was in the Caribbean.

Thank you for asking.