How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 7 - Noretta - full transcript

Kids, in the fall of 2011,

all of my friends
were in relationships.

So when Barney's brother James
came to visit,

it created
a slight logistical problem.

We're gonna need a bigger booth.

I'm gonna go
to the loo.

I don't actually
have to go,

I just want a seat
all to myself.

So, would anyone care
to ask me where

Nora and I are
going tonight?

Don't ask him.
It's a trap.

- Where you going?
- Come on, man, for God's sake!

Bootytown, Kevin!

We are finally going
to Bootytown.

And that's why
we don't ask him.

I'm thinking I'm gonna hop on
the Long Thighland Expressway,

stop off for a nibble
in Breastport,

and then, with any luck,

I'll be pulling into
the Pork Authority by midnight.

Wait. You're finally
going to Bootytown?

Look, we just don't want
to rush anything, okay?

So we decided to wait
until she decides

to let me have sex
with her.

And that's
gonna be tonight!

How do you
know for sure?

Ah, something
she said earlier.

Guess what, my sweet boy,

I've got a special treat
for you tonight.

Oh, yeah, you're going
to Bootytown.

Hello again, my darlings.

Barney, I hope you're ready
for tonight.

Because you're gonna have
to use muscles

you haven't used in years.

I am?

Yes.

And I hope you have
some aspirin at home,

because your arse is gonna be
killing you tomorrow.

It is?

Indeed.

Because tonight...

I'm strapping on this.

We're going skating!

The Pork Authority's
closed.

Looks like it's Hand
Central Station

for you, little buddy.

So that's your special treat?

Ice skating?

Of course.

And after that,
we're gonna shag.

We're going ice skating,
everybody!

Ask me what
I think of Nora.

What do you think of Nora?

Lovely girl.

Ask me what
I really think of her.

What do you really
think of her?

Guys, she's great, seriously.

Just drop it.

Ask me one more time.

What do you really think?

Fine! If you really must know,

I do not like Barney
with that woman!

Happy?

What could you possibly
not like about Nora?

Her hair?
Her mousy little nose?

The way she does
everything perfectly?

I mean, what's not to like?

It's not that I don't like her.
It's just...

She's our mom.

What do you mean,
she's your mom?

Everything about her
is vaguely our mom-like.

The British accent...

Hello again, my darlings.

Mom's obsessed
with Julie Andrews,

so when we were growing up...

Hello again, my darlings.

- Come here, you.
- Hey.

And the way she hugs him.

Left hand on the nape
of the neck,

three gentle strokes on
the back with the right?

Come here, you.

Trademark Loretta Stinson.

But here's the clincher...

Guess what, my sweet boy.

Guess what
my sweet boy.

I've got a special treat
for you tonight.

I've got a special
treat for you tonight.

Ice cream!

They're coming.
Be cool.

Forgot my raincoat.

That makes one of us.

Well, shall we?

We shall.

Ooh, don't wear out
that tongue, Barney.

Don't wait up.

I mean, sure, Barney has slept

with plenty
of other people's mothers.

But now he's gonna sleep
with ours?

Psychologically speaking,
it's perfectly normal

to wind up with someone
like your parents.

Thanks to my mom, I'll probably
wind up with someone

who loves my brother
more than me.

Well, psychologically
speaking,

I'm gonna go
throw up now.

Oh...

Ugh! This baby
is making it

so I can't button
my pants anymore.

Big whoop.
In 55 years,

I don't think my dad
buttoned his pants even once.

And somehow, despite
sweet talk like that,

I don't feel sexy anymore.

Are you kidding?

I mean, you're-you're
even sexier now

that you're rounding out.

I mean, you're even
more sexy simply

because there's so
much more of you.

I'm never gonna get
in the mood while

your mammoth Eriksen seed
is muffin-topping

the bodiddly out of me.

Are you saying,
"No erky-erky

until this baby
pops out"?

Okay, that's it.

I-I am making it my mission
to help you feel sexy again.

I don't care how much
more bloated you get.

I'll get the
next round!

Kevin!
Yay, Kevin, thank you!

So, Ted, you're cool

with Kevin, right?

I know he's been
over a lot lately.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Kevin's great.

I mean, there was, like,
one weird thing the other day...

He was just standing
there in his boxers?

Yeah.

I'll talk to him.

Ted...

be honest.

You'd bang Lily, right?

So, later that night,

Barney and Nora went skating.

Hey, kid, you know
how your mom won't

let you have ice cream
till after dinner?

But then the waiting
kind of makes it taste better?

Well, I've been waiting
two months

for that bowl
of ice cream.

And tonight,
I'm gonna have sex with it.

Look, Barney,
one foot!

Oh!

Now, kids, for most guys,

this would have meant
the end of the date.

But your Uncle Barney
is not most guys.

I can turn this around.

Well, I'm impressed
that you know

a 24-hour dentist.

Oh, yeah.

He can also give you tattoos,

do your taxes
and alter a suit.

But I wouldn't trust him
with a suit 'cause...

Speaking of drinking,
you want to...?

No, Barney.

Tonight's been
a disaster.

I think we should just
call it a night.

No! Come on, Nora,

your tooth can't be that bad.
Let me see.

W-Which is the fake one again?

You look beautiful.

Mmm.

All right, maybe I could go
for one more drink.

Great.

It's funny.

Sometimes the most
romantic moments

can just creep up on you...

I can turn this around.

Hey, um,

should've mentioned this before,
but, um, Ted and I prefer

that our guests remain
fully clothed in

the public areas
of the apartment.

Been some complaints.

Did Ted say something?

Oh, th-there's been
some complaints.

Not pointing any fingers
or anything,

but let's just keep
those pants on, okay? Good talk.

Well, if Ted said that,

I've got something to complain
Ted's nuts.

Okay, yes, Ted is a little
neurotic, but I wouldn't say...

No, no, no, I mean Ted's nuts.

Hi.

Hey.

So what? It's his apartment.

You're taking his side?

Wait, this isn't
one of those classic

"You still have feelings
for your ex-boyfriend,

"who's oddly also your roommate,

"which for the record
I'm totally cool with,

"even though everybody
tells me I've walked

into a bear trap" things, is it?

No, I just, I feel bad.

Ted's going through
some stuff right now.

You eyeballing his deal
is the most action

he's gotten in months.

I'll be nice to him.

So, I was trying
to think of how

to best express
how sexy you are to me.

A song? A poem?

a board game!

You just get women.

No, no, no, you'll like this.

We answer risqué questions
and perform spicy dares

to slowly move up
your shapely legs.

I call it Chutes and Lilies.

I would've guessed Monopo-Lily.

Yeah, that would've been better.

Okay, game play.

Roll the die to see
who goes first,

forfeit a turn on a pass--
intended for two-to-six players.

As Marshall explained the many
rules of Chutes and Lilies,

Lily thought back
to what Kevin said in the bar.

It's perfectly normal to wind up
with someone like your parents.

And then she thought of
the only other man she knew

who loved board games
that much.

I brought Diseases!

Marshgammon.

Dog Fight Promoter!

Lilial Pursuit.

And that's how you play
the game.

Oh, wait.

I forgot to tell you
what happens

if I land on "community chest."

Honk-honk.

I just want to go home,

take a long bath
and go to bed.

No!

I mean, come on.

My place is so much closer.

I'll-I'll draw you a bath,

pour you some champagne,
we can forget all about this.

All right,
that sounds good.

That bath was
wonderful.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

What do you say we go
out on the balcony,

get some fresh air?

Ooh, that sounds lovely.

What a beautiful view.

I couldn't agree more.

Good-bye, cruel world!

Oh, my God!

I can turn this around.

Shh.

Ooh!

Ooh! Date night.

You know what? I'll just,
just watch this in my room.

Already had dinner in there,
why not a movie?

You should join us.

Yeah, join us.

No! No, no, no, no, no.
Three's a crowd.

Besides, you guys wouldn't
want to watch this anyway.

Try us.

Well, have you seen Die Hard?

Um, yes.

Okay, the guy who played Argyle

produced this documentary
about coin collecting.

Now, I know my sexy
little lady can't resist

a bubble bath,
especially one

with rose petals.

Oh, thanks, baby.

How about a sensual backrub?

Mm.

- Oh.
- What's the matter, Lilypad?

You love my backrubs.

Ah. I-I do... very much.

Good, because I got you
a brand-

new...

loofah!

Oh, yeah!

Rubs... oh, yeah!

Trying to watch the coin
documentary over here.

Hey, Ted, ever figure out who
you're taking to that concert?

No.

- You want to go?
- Sure.

- Really?
- Awesome!

It's a date!

Now, Kevin,
as a trained psychologist,

knew the appropriate way
to voice his displeasure.

I think we need
to calmly discuss

the relationship dynamics
at play here.

I'm uncomfortable
with how close you two are

as roommates, given your
particular romantic history.

Instead, he took
a different approach.

Aw, hell no!

If you can go on a date
with my girlfriend,

I don't have to wear pants
in your apartment!

I can't wait till
this baby comes out

so we can get started
on another one.

Then again,

why wait?
Ew, wait...

Get off of me!

Damn it!

Ever since Kevin said

it's normal to wind up
with your parents,

I... I keep picturing yo
as my dad.

Lily, that theory is crazy-town.

How do you know?

Because my mother is
six-foot-three,

she buys her clothes
at the drugstore,

and she prefers
to trap her own dinner.

I love you more than anything,

and you're nothing like her.

Aw.

Now, that's how
you turn a girl on.

- Mm...
- Mm...

But then Marshall
really started thinking

about Kevin's theory.

Midnight snack.

Midnight snack.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah...!

I am gonna rock...

your...

world.

Yay.

If it's any consolation,

the, uh... the guy stole my
Wall Street Journal once.

So... guess the world's kind
of a better place without...

Oh, God, this
night's ruined.

Oh, come here, you.

Yes, it's been
a very tough night,

but I still think
we can turn this around.

Really?

Why not?

No sense in letting things
get us down.

How does that song
go again?

♪ Raindrops on roses
and whiskers on kittens ♪

♪ Bright copper kettles
and warm woolen mittens ♪

♪ Brown paper packages tied up
with strings ♪

♪ These are a few
of my favorite things ♪

♪ When the dog bites ♪

♪ When the bee stings ♪

♪ When I'm feeling sad ♪

♪ I simply remember
my favorite things ♪

♪ And then I don't feel ♪

♪ So bad. ♪

Mommy, no.

I want to thank you,
baby, for reminding me of

what a vivacious woman I am.

Yeah.

No, uh, no need really.

Whoa, but I've been
such a naughty girl.

Maybe I need a spanking.

Great. We'll...

we'll just skip
the board games

and get right down to me
making love to you.

Oh...

Okay, good, 'cause

I'm gonna ride you
like an unbroken stallion.

Okay.

Giddyup, cowgirl.

No, I can't go
through with this!

Thank God, me neither!

You're too much
like my dad.

You're too much
like my dad.

Your dad?!

Okay, dropping trou--
bad idea.

We're moving on from that.

This guy is a snake.

What?! No.

Ted? He's a nice guy.

A really, really nice guy.

You should be more like him.

Mom, right on schedule.

- What?
- Nothing.

I'm just saying,
you think he's so fragile,

and yet...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, fragile?

You think I'm fragile?

Yeah, fragile like a fox.

First, he tries

scaring me off
with his little peep show.

Then he crashes our movie.

Now, he's got tickets to
some super romantic concert.

It's Weird Al Yankovic.

Okay. But still, who's the first
person he asked to go with him?

My girlfriend.

Oh, man. Okay.

You think I'm the first
person Ted asked?

Ted, am I the first person
you asked?

Marshall...!

You, me, Weird Al.

No thanks, Ted.

Barney...!

I got two tickets
to Weird Al Yan...

Barney?

Lily...!

Come on! You'll be
the hottest girl there!

Okay, you'll be
the only girl there.

Stuart...!

Claudia...!

Brad...!

Nat-alie...!

Trudy...!

Ranjit...!

Carl the bartender...!

Dude from my bodega...!

Steam cleaning coupon guy...!

Mom...!

Please? I'll fly you out.

I don't think so.

I'm sorry, sweet pea.

Is Clint there?

No.

Wow. You really
are pretty fragile.

Look, I'm trying to explain
to you guys that I'm...

Well, how do you
expect me to feel?!

I mean, all I want

is for someone to go
to a Weird Al concert with me,

and I'm stuck going
with my roommate.

Yeah, I might have to
rain-check you there, buddy.

I'm not a Weird Al fan.

He's just a rip-off
of Peculiar Jacques.

Guess I'm going to
this concert alone.

I'll be that weird guy.

I mean, that
other weird guy.

You know, there is one guy
you didn't ask yet.

Someone who happens to be
the biggest Weird Al fan

in the whole world.

Kevin...?

Ted...!

Oh! Oh, you are gonna flip
when you see our tickets.

They're in the shape
of an accordion.

What?!

So, uh, you
like Weird Al?

Not in the slightest.

No, dude, I'm the biggest
Weird Al fan.

I know,
I'm agreeing with you.

Do you know that I gave him the
idea for "Like a Surgeon." Yeah.

Yeah. I wrote him a fan letter,
and then a few months later...

Bam!
Top of the charts!

You guys can eat it.

Just... eat it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd it go with Nora?

Well, among other things,

I realized
Nora's a lot like my mom.

I'll bet that
ruined things, huh?

Come on. Barney Stinson
always turns it around.

- How?
- Simple.

I turned...
it... around.

Oh...
Uh-huh? Uh-huh?

So the mom thing wasn't
a total deal breaker, huh?

No!

Guys, my mom is
the best person I know.

If Nora's even the tiniest bit
like her, I'm a lucky guy.

Hey, you know what?

I'm a real lucky guy.

'Cause I married my dad.

Aw.

So, uh, you want
to go get luckier?

Bye, guys.

See ya.

So, what should
we do now?

"We" should do nothing.

You guys get out of here,
go watch your movie.

I'm fine. Really.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Thanks, buddy.

Uh, hey... hey, Kevin.

I think I'm a clone now.

I'm sorry.

Were you just quoting Weird Al?

I was indeed.

I'm a huge Weird Al fan.

Well, then I need
to buy you a drink.

I'll have a glass of champagne,
sweet pea.

One glass of champa--

Sweet pea?

Sure. Meeting
a fellow Weird Al fan?

That's cause
for celebration.

Bottle of bubbly,
coming right up!

"Dear Mr. Yankovic,

"my name is Ted Mosby...

"eight years old...

'Eat It' changed my life..."

Blah, blah, blah.

Uhp. Here we go.

"I have some ideas
for new songs you could do."

Why can't they just
leave me alone?!

"Wake Me Up Before You Pogo."

Spend a whole afternoon
on that one?

"Like a Surgeon."

♪ I finally made it
through med school ♪

♪ Somehow I made it through,
ooh... ♪

Vinny!

Start recording!