How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 5 - Field Trip - full transcript
Robin tries to date her therapist, Marshall thinks his boss has gone soft on environmentalism, Barney suspects that Nora may be lying about her age, and Ted takes his Intro to Architecture class on the worst field trip ever.
Kids, in October 2011,
your Aunt Robin was in therapy.
And against all logic,
it was actually going well.
But why?
Why-why am I constantly looking
for reasons not to be happy?
Maybe because the idea of
finally being happy...
terrifies you.
Bro, you are killing it today.
Pshh!
We got something good here.
We are totes gonna conquer
my fear of abandonment!
I can't see you anymore.
Nice.
"Oh, no! You're
abandoning me!"
Oh, no. You're abandoning me?
I'm sorry.
I'm moving to Alaska.
And that might have
been the end of it.
But a week later...
Kevin?!
What are you doing here?
Okay, look, I lied to you
about moving to Alaska.
I-I had to stop seeing you.
Why?
'Cause I think you're cute.
And ethically,
I can't be your therapist
if I'm attracted to you.
Oh, I get it. You dump me
as a patient
just so you can ask me out?
I'm not gonna ask you out.
You're not?
No. We met in therapy.
It's inappropriate for me
to date a patient.
Anyway, it was nice seeing you.
Hey, wait.
How do you define "date"?
Two people having a meal
together,
sitting across the table
making googly eyes
at each other...
What about two people eating
alone, sitting side by side,
making googly eyes
at the coffee maker?
Okay, it's not a date.
Exactly. Not a date.
And so Robin and Kevin had
breakfast alone,
side by side
every day that week.
Until finally...
Oh, hey!
Sorry. No cabs.
Ran 40 blocks
all the way here.
May have knocked an old lady
into the street,
don't know, I didn't look back.
Let's just go on a real date.
Yeah, that might be a good idea.
Finally!
♪
Oh, I can't wait
to see that movie.
Is it good?
Awesome. Wait, totally
hypothetically,
do you like movies with a
shocking twist where all
the main characters die
at the end?
Yes.
You will love this movie.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Marshall.
What's up?
Well, I'll tell you what's up.
You know how my boss,
Garrison Cootes, is,
like, the most famous
environmental lawyer
in the world?
Yeah...
I mean, it's him
or the other guy.
Sir Anthony Howel?
Yeah...
Anyway, he's an important guy,
okay?
And so today at work,
I was trying to show him
that I'm tough.
I've been thinking
about this
settlement offer we're about
to get from Gruber
Pharmaceuticals.
If it's anything less
than $20 million,
then I'm gonna grab
those corporate Earth rapists
by their...
Okay, I'm just gonna
say something.
I'm growing a child
in my belly,
a child that just
developed ears.
This is a very
thin sweater.
So please, if you must
tell your story...
just make it
cheerful.
Cheerful.
Okay...
Then I'm gonna grab those
corporate...
employees...
by their sweaty, dangling...
hands...
and squeeze until those greedy
sons of...
parents... realize that
I'm the baddest mother...
nature lover around.
It's like watching
The Breakfast Club on TBS.
So what did he say?
Marshall, bend down so I
can put my arm around you.
That's all the way down.
That's good.
Gruber Pharmaceuticals
is a company full
of well-meaning people
doing their jobs,
just like you and me.
Guys, I'm afraid that Garrison
Cootes has gone soft!
He's like a teddy bear!
A teddy bear
or an Ewok?
You know, cute and cuddly
around the village,
but once the battle starts...
He'll smash in your metal skull
with giant swinging logs.
Marshall!
Okay, he'll hug you
until you agree to peaceably
shut down the Death Star.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey.
What are we
all talking about?
Ewoks.
Ugh, I hate the Ewoks.
The only good
thing about Ewoks in that movie?
You got to see some of them die.
Well, I fancy a pint.
Nora hates Ewoks.
Well, I have
to break up with her.
Be gentle
when you tell her, guys.
I'll call you from Vegas.
Tell me how it went. Okay.
Okay, Barney!
Sit down!
Not liking Ewoks
is no reason not
to date somebody.
Yeah, I mean, who knows
what the rules are, ya know?
I mean, you're dating
a girl who doesn't like Ewoks,
I'm dating my former
therapist.
- Oh!
- Eww!
We are
gentlemen of Harvard!
It's not a big deal!
Robin, if you asked
a hundred people,
"Who's the worst person
you could possibly date?"
they'd all say,
"Your therapist."
Except the ones
saying "Barney."
Hey! Yeah, that tracks.
Well, I should
get going.
I got the big field
trip tomorrow.
Field trip?
Yeah. I'm taking
my Intro to
Architecture class
to the GNB Tower
construction site.
I'm trying to get
them interested
in architecture
as a career.
Why? Are we running out
of buildings?
Are we running out
of boring people?
Guys, this is
a big deal, okay?
If I can get just
one kid interested in
becoming an architect...
Okay, I'm just gonna stop
you right there.
Ted, it's an Intro class.
Yeah, don't try to
Stand and Deliver
an Intro class.
Nobody takes an Intro class
to get on any other path
but the path to not
being hungover anymore.
I learned that in my Intro
to something-ology class.
Well that's fine for
something-ology,
but tomorrow
at 9:00 a.m. sharp
Intro to Architecture is
going on a field trip!
All 200 of 'em.
Well, it's 9:45.
I guess the other 170
of you got lost,
so we'll just start.
Now, some might say you guys are
just taking this class
because it's easy or because
you've confused architecture
with archaeology and think
we're gonna do
some cool
Indiana Jones stuff today.
But I think that...
I think just maybe, we got some
future architects in the house.
Show of hands: who's thinking
about a career in architecture?
Well, today,
all that's gonna change.
Follow me.
Hey. Uh, sorry,
nobody gets in here
without a site pass.
It's okay, I'm Ted Mosby, the
architect of this building.
I don't care if you're the
archaeologist of this building.
Site's closed.
Moving on!
That morning, Marshall's firm
was getting
the settlement offer
from Gruber Pharmaceuticals,
and Marshall couldn't wait
to see the teddy bear
turn into an Ewok.
Gruber Pharmaceuticals dumped
toxic waste into Frog Creek,
a tributary of the Trout River
that feeds into Clearwater Lake.
All three of which
now need new names.
So it's time to win one
for Mother Earth.
Let's take out the trash,
shall we?!
- Yes!
- All right, everyone grab a bag.
Blue is recycling,
green, compost.
There we go.
Sheila...
we're ready to hear your offer.
$24,000?
Yeah , that seems reasonable.
Kids, I was wandering the city
with 25 Intro to Architecture
students
when your Uncle Barney
came to my rescue.
Okay, guys, seeing a building
get built, not that exciting.
What's really exciting is the
financial side of...
Sit down, Ted, I got this.
Hey, Weird Beard, lights!
College...
it's a confusing time.
Oh, no.
Studies show that 83% of all
college students
desperately need...
sex lessons!
Lights!
Barney, these are
18-year-olds!
Ted, these are 18-year-olds!
You have a girlfriend.
But she doesn't like Ewoks!
So what?
So what?!
Bieber, lights!
In 1983, George Lucas introduced
the world to the Ewoks,
a race of creatures indigenous
to the second moon of Endor.
Now, the Ewoks have
a rich back-story
that the movie didn't
really go into.
Barney, why don't
you just skip
to the part
about you and Nora?
Fine.
Ah, yes.
Ultimately, Ewoks split Star
Wars fandom into two camps:
those born before, and those
born after May 25, 1973:
the Ewok Line.
Anyone born on this side
of the Ewok Line was
at least ten years
old when Jedi came out,
and thus too old for something
so cloying and cute.
Anyone born on this side
loved the Ewoks because, why?
They reminded you of...
Our teddies?
They reminded you
of your teddies.
Thank you, Gina.
How do you know her name?
And so... by the immutable laws
of the Ewok Line,
my 29-year-old girlfriend
who hates Ewoks
must in fact be
no younger than... 37.
That's only a year younger
than Will's mom.
How do you know my mom?
Class dismissed!
I need to be alone.
All right, we're moving on.
Ooh, can I come?
Hey, baby.
Hey, I just want to remind you
we have Dr. Sonya at 4:00.
I'll be there. I'm sorry.
I'm just... I'm bummed.
We got
our settlement offer today:
$24,000 from
a billion-dollar company.
Wow. I take it people aren't
happy about that.
We won! Champagne and cake
for everybody!
They're celebrating.
I mean, it's crazy.
We have no right
to be eating cake.
There's cake?! I'm on my way!
Meanwhile, the worst field trip
of all time was still trucking.
All right, this, this is
exciting, okay?
This is the very room
where I had the idea
for the GNB Tower.
Now, Webster's defines
"inspiration" as...
Hold on.
It's still loading.
Uh, hey, roomie.
Robin! Hey,
what are you doing here?
Well, I was about
to get my swerve on.
You were?
So you're the therapist.
You know, it's one thing
to pretend to be a shrink
and bang your patients.
That's normal.
But to do it for real?
A little creepy, bro.
Okay, it's not creepy.
Ehhhh... it's creepy.
Class, show of hands:
Who thinks it's creepy
to date your therapist?
- Pollstered.
- Get out!
All right.
We're moving on!
So, class, to your left,
you will see some
excellent examples of
what we'd call windows.
So where are we going now?
I have no idea.
This is a disaster.
Some of them are already
starting to go home.
Although we seem to have
picked up a German family.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That thing with Robin
and her creepy therapist
gave me an idea.
Ted, we have here a way
to solve every single debate
we've ever had!
I mean, just look at the sample:
guys, girls,
blacks, Asians, a German family.
You can't pay for that kind of
focus group!
Is macaroni salad
really a salad?
Hands up if you say "no."
Ha!
Jacob or Edward?
Who says Edward?
Ha, ha. See?
I told you.
It's Edward
James Olmos.
Would you rather have sex
with a dead human being
or a live an...?
Dude.
What?
Find the line.
Who thinks David
Hasselhoff is awesome?
Hmm.
It's true.
Okay. I've got one.
If you're dating a girl,
and she lies
about her age,
who says break up
with her?
Yes, yes, but what if
the person she's lying to
is notoriously
shallow about age?
Okay, but what if early
in our relationship,
she made a really big deal
about wanting to not
lie to each other?
What if she's hot?
Who wants five bucks?
Pollstered!
Let's do this.
Hmm? Yeah.
Mm...
Okay, this is creepy.
It's Crispin
Glover creepy.
You were my patient.
You shared intimate stuff.
It would be like dating
your gynecologist.
You were vulnerable.
That's not something
we can move past.
Guess not.
So, dating your gyno,
that's bad, too?
Oh, Robin.
Kidding!
Look, we've got another one!
Come on,
have a bite.
No, it's a matter
of principle.
I don't care how good it is,
I'm not gonna have
a third piece of cake!
Okay, guys, you all had
a lot of fun today,
but now it's time...
to have even more fun!
Another cake!
Another cake?!
What is the matter
with you people?!
That settlement today was
a flaming pile of...
puppies...
that aren't on fire!
Look at what's happening
to the environment,
and we're here doing the limbo?
I mean, we should be ashamed
of ourselves!
Sir, all I meant was...
Ten years from right now,
everyone outside in that bullpen
will be dead.
What?
I've seen the
latest research, Marsh.
You know how I'm always saying
it's not too late
to save the planet?
It's too late
to save the planet.
There's nothing to do
but sit back
and await our inevitable doom.
Oh, my goodness, a piñata!
Just give me one minute, Larry.
Thank you.
Our grotesque, inevitable doom!
Now, of course,
you can't go around
telling all the people
that the good ship
Environmentalism
has sailed off into the sunset.
There would cause a panic.
So, instead,
what we do is,
we come to work,
we put on a happy face,
and we sue the big guys
for just enough money
for some cake
before the unfiltered rays
of the sun fry us like chalupas,
and our lungs fill up
with salt water,
and we all die!
Mmm. This cake is delicious.
Everything's fine.
Ugh, this day sucks.
Kevin and I are kaputski.
You think that's bad?
The world is
coming to an end.
You think that's bad?
My girlfriend is 37!
And my field trip is not going
as well as I'd hoped.
Hmm.
This day sucks.
Professor Mosby,
is the field trip over?
We'd like to go home.
Yeah, it's over.
Auf wiedersehen.
I just wanted
to inspire them,
you know, like my professors
inspired me.
But here we are,
at the end of the day...
Hey, class,
quick question.
Uh, is anyone here thinking
of becoming an architect?
Really?
Yeah, dude.
I mean,
all jobs suck,
but it's 4:00
in the afternoon,
and you're out at a bar
with your friends,
so the hours can't
be that bad.
So...
yeah, I don't know,
I'd think about it.
I got through to you. Oh!
I mean, that is, if becoming
a deejay doesn't pan out.
You are gonna be
a great architect.
He became a deejay.
Robin, what are you doing here?
I told you I can't
be your therapist.
I know.
Today, I am your therapist.
What?
You said yourself,
I'm always looking for reasons
not to be happy.
Well, I'm trying to change that.
So, if the only reason
we can't be together
is because I was
in a vulnerable place
for the first two hours
we knew each other
then that is two hours of
vulnerability you owe me.
Sit down.
Okay.
Okay, but I must warn you, as a
professional, I'm immune to...
Tell me about your mother.
Everything she says
is a manipulation!
When I was
seven years old...
Mr. Cootes.
- Hey.
- Listen, I've been thinking
a lot about what you said
yesterday,
about how we're all gonna die.
Oh, I'm not gonna die.
I bought an old mine shaft
in Colorado.
I've spent the last six months
filling it with canned goods,
assault rifles and all five
seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Okay, first of all,
you can skip season two.
Second of all, after our talk...
I came pretty close
to giving up myself.
But then I went to the doctor
with my wife...
and...
I saw this.
Boy or girl?
I don't know.
But I know I sure as hell
can't give up now.
So, if you're just looking
for someone
to hold the other end
of the limbo stick,
you got the wrong guy for
the job, and you know why?
'Cause you're three feet taller
than everyone in this office?
No. Because if I am
gonna work here,
then first thing
tomorrow morning,
I'm walking down
to Gruber Pharmaceuticals,
and I'm rejecting their offer.
Even if I have to do it myself.
Listen, I want you
to know... I know.
Know what?
Nora.
Barney.
Nora.
Just say what you're gonna say!
I know you're old!
And I've been struggling
with it,
but when I look at you...
I don't care,
because I really like you.
And because for 37,
you are keeping it toit!
You think I'm 37?
Well, if you were really 29,
then you would have
been a little kid
the first time you saw the Ewoks
and you would have loved them.
Barney, I didn't see
any of the Star Wars
movies until last year.
You... you're 29!
You still have
one good year left.
- What?
- Nothing.
Mm...
But Naveen's the neurosurgeon,
so of course he gets
all the attention!
Oh, Naveen is so smart,
he operates on people's brains!
Well, guess what, Mom?!
I treat the human mind!
Our time is up.
I don't think
this is gonna work.
I scared you off, didn't I?
No, I mean, I don't think
I can be your therapist.
You're really cute.
The next day,
Marshall returned to
Gruber Pharmaceuticals alone.
I mean, you admit
that you polluted the lake.
We got the evidence.
We got the charts.
The fish...
Fish, huh?
Fish are weird.
You ever think
about the names of fish?
I mean, come on.
Carp.
Garrison, what a nice surprise.
Your star apprentice
was just, uh...
"Floundering."
Little, little
fish humor
for you guys.
It was not going well.
I'm here to turn
down the 24,000.
Well, I can maybe get you
24,500.
Not... good... enough.
Where are we going?
To war, son.
We're going to war.
We're going to save the planet.
And kids, as we now know,
they did.
Hey, you know
what was on last night?
- Stand and Deliver.
- Mm.
- So good.
- Mm-hmm.
Whatever happened
to Jacob James Olmos?
Who?
Jacob James Olmos.
Whatever happened to that guy?
He never existed.
It's Edward James Olmos.
You're Olmos correct.
It's Jacob James Olmos.
- It's Edward James Olmos.
- Jacob James Olmos.
Edward James Olmos.
- You're joking, right...?
- Are you serious...?
- Seriously.
- Jacob James Olmos.
your Aunt Robin was in therapy.
And against all logic,
it was actually going well.
But why?
Why-why am I constantly looking
for reasons not to be happy?
Maybe because the idea of
finally being happy...
terrifies you.
Bro, you are killing it today.
Pshh!
We got something good here.
We are totes gonna conquer
my fear of abandonment!
I can't see you anymore.
Nice.
"Oh, no! You're
abandoning me!"
Oh, no. You're abandoning me?
I'm sorry.
I'm moving to Alaska.
And that might have
been the end of it.
But a week later...
Kevin?!
What are you doing here?
Okay, look, I lied to you
about moving to Alaska.
I-I had to stop seeing you.
Why?
'Cause I think you're cute.
And ethically,
I can't be your therapist
if I'm attracted to you.
Oh, I get it. You dump me
as a patient
just so you can ask me out?
I'm not gonna ask you out.
You're not?
No. We met in therapy.
It's inappropriate for me
to date a patient.
Anyway, it was nice seeing you.
Hey, wait.
How do you define "date"?
Two people having a meal
together,
sitting across the table
making googly eyes
at each other...
What about two people eating
alone, sitting side by side,
making googly eyes
at the coffee maker?
Okay, it's not a date.
Exactly. Not a date.
And so Robin and Kevin had
breakfast alone,
side by side
every day that week.
Until finally...
Oh, hey!
Sorry. No cabs.
Ran 40 blocks
all the way here.
May have knocked an old lady
into the street,
don't know, I didn't look back.
Let's just go on a real date.
Yeah, that might be a good idea.
Finally!
♪
Oh, I can't wait
to see that movie.
Is it good?
Awesome. Wait, totally
hypothetically,
do you like movies with a
shocking twist where all
the main characters die
at the end?
Yes.
You will love this movie.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Marshall.
What's up?
Well, I'll tell you what's up.
You know how my boss,
Garrison Cootes, is,
like, the most famous
environmental lawyer
in the world?
Yeah...
I mean, it's him
or the other guy.
Sir Anthony Howel?
Yeah...
Anyway, he's an important guy,
okay?
And so today at work,
I was trying to show him
that I'm tough.
I've been thinking
about this
settlement offer we're about
to get from Gruber
Pharmaceuticals.
If it's anything less
than $20 million,
then I'm gonna grab
those corporate Earth rapists
by their...
Okay, I'm just gonna
say something.
I'm growing a child
in my belly,
a child that just
developed ears.
This is a very
thin sweater.
So please, if you must
tell your story...
just make it
cheerful.
Cheerful.
Okay...
Then I'm gonna grab those
corporate...
employees...
by their sweaty, dangling...
hands...
and squeeze until those greedy
sons of...
parents... realize that
I'm the baddest mother...
nature lover around.
It's like watching
The Breakfast Club on TBS.
So what did he say?
Marshall, bend down so I
can put my arm around you.
That's all the way down.
That's good.
Gruber Pharmaceuticals
is a company full
of well-meaning people
doing their jobs,
just like you and me.
Guys, I'm afraid that Garrison
Cootes has gone soft!
He's like a teddy bear!
A teddy bear
or an Ewok?
You know, cute and cuddly
around the village,
but once the battle starts...
He'll smash in your metal skull
with giant swinging logs.
Marshall!
Okay, he'll hug you
until you agree to peaceably
shut down the Death Star.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey.
What are we
all talking about?
Ewoks.
Ugh, I hate the Ewoks.
The only good
thing about Ewoks in that movie?
You got to see some of them die.
Well, I fancy a pint.
Nora hates Ewoks.
Well, I have
to break up with her.
Be gentle
when you tell her, guys.
I'll call you from Vegas.
Tell me how it went. Okay.
Okay, Barney!
Sit down!
Not liking Ewoks
is no reason not
to date somebody.
Yeah, I mean, who knows
what the rules are, ya know?
I mean, you're dating
a girl who doesn't like Ewoks,
I'm dating my former
therapist.
- Oh!
- Eww!
We are
gentlemen of Harvard!
It's not a big deal!
Robin, if you asked
a hundred people,
"Who's the worst person
you could possibly date?"
they'd all say,
"Your therapist."
Except the ones
saying "Barney."
Hey! Yeah, that tracks.
Well, I should
get going.
I got the big field
trip tomorrow.
Field trip?
Yeah. I'm taking
my Intro to
Architecture class
to the GNB Tower
construction site.
I'm trying to get
them interested
in architecture
as a career.
Why? Are we running out
of buildings?
Are we running out
of boring people?
Guys, this is
a big deal, okay?
If I can get just
one kid interested in
becoming an architect...
Okay, I'm just gonna stop
you right there.
Ted, it's an Intro class.
Yeah, don't try to
Stand and Deliver
an Intro class.
Nobody takes an Intro class
to get on any other path
but the path to not
being hungover anymore.
I learned that in my Intro
to something-ology class.
Well that's fine for
something-ology,
but tomorrow
at 9:00 a.m. sharp
Intro to Architecture is
going on a field trip!
All 200 of 'em.
Well, it's 9:45.
I guess the other 170
of you got lost,
so we'll just start.
Now, some might say you guys are
just taking this class
because it's easy or because
you've confused architecture
with archaeology and think
we're gonna do
some cool
Indiana Jones stuff today.
But I think that...
I think just maybe, we got some
future architects in the house.
Show of hands: who's thinking
about a career in architecture?
Well, today,
all that's gonna change.
Follow me.
Hey. Uh, sorry,
nobody gets in here
without a site pass.
It's okay, I'm Ted Mosby, the
architect of this building.
I don't care if you're the
archaeologist of this building.
Site's closed.
Moving on!
That morning, Marshall's firm
was getting
the settlement offer
from Gruber Pharmaceuticals,
and Marshall couldn't wait
to see the teddy bear
turn into an Ewok.
Gruber Pharmaceuticals dumped
toxic waste into Frog Creek,
a tributary of the Trout River
that feeds into Clearwater Lake.
All three of which
now need new names.
So it's time to win one
for Mother Earth.
Let's take out the trash,
shall we?!
- Yes!
- All right, everyone grab a bag.
Blue is recycling,
green, compost.
There we go.
Sheila...
we're ready to hear your offer.
$24,000?
Yeah , that seems reasonable.
Kids, I was wandering the city
with 25 Intro to Architecture
students
when your Uncle Barney
came to my rescue.
Okay, guys, seeing a building
get built, not that exciting.
What's really exciting is the
financial side of...
Sit down, Ted, I got this.
Hey, Weird Beard, lights!
College...
it's a confusing time.
Oh, no.
Studies show that 83% of all
college students
desperately need...
sex lessons!
Lights!
Barney, these are
18-year-olds!
Ted, these are 18-year-olds!
You have a girlfriend.
But she doesn't like Ewoks!
So what?
So what?!
Bieber, lights!
In 1983, George Lucas introduced
the world to the Ewoks,
a race of creatures indigenous
to the second moon of Endor.
Now, the Ewoks have
a rich back-story
that the movie didn't
really go into.
Barney, why don't
you just skip
to the part
about you and Nora?
Fine.
Ah, yes.
Ultimately, Ewoks split Star
Wars fandom into two camps:
those born before, and those
born after May 25, 1973:
the Ewok Line.
Anyone born on this side
of the Ewok Line was
at least ten years
old when Jedi came out,
and thus too old for something
so cloying and cute.
Anyone born on this side
loved the Ewoks because, why?
They reminded you of...
Our teddies?
They reminded you
of your teddies.
Thank you, Gina.
How do you know her name?
And so... by the immutable laws
of the Ewok Line,
my 29-year-old girlfriend
who hates Ewoks
must in fact be
no younger than... 37.
That's only a year younger
than Will's mom.
How do you know my mom?
Class dismissed!
I need to be alone.
All right, we're moving on.
Ooh, can I come?
Hey, baby.
Hey, I just want to remind you
we have Dr. Sonya at 4:00.
I'll be there. I'm sorry.
I'm just... I'm bummed.
We got
our settlement offer today:
$24,000 from
a billion-dollar company.
Wow. I take it people aren't
happy about that.
We won! Champagne and cake
for everybody!
They're celebrating.
I mean, it's crazy.
We have no right
to be eating cake.
There's cake?! I'm on my way!
Meanwhile, the worst field trip
of all time was still trucking.
All right, this, this is
exciting, okay?
This is the very room
where I had the idea
for the GNB Tower.
Now, Webster's defines
"inspiration" as...
Hold on.
It's still loading.
Uh, hey, roomie.
Robin! Hey,
what are you doing here?
Well, I was about
to get my swerve on.
You were?
So you're the therapist.
You know, it's one thing
to pretend to be a shrink
and bang your patients.
That's normal.
But to do it for real?
A little creepy, bro.
Okay, it's not creepy.
Ehhhh... it's creepy.
Class, show of hands:
Who thinks it's creepy
to date your therapist?
- Pollstered.
- Get out!
All right.
We're moving on!
So, class, to your left,
you will see some
excellent examples of
what we'd call windows.
So where are we going now?
I have no idea.
This is a disaster.
Some of them are already
starting to go home.
Although we seem to have
picked up a German family.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That thing with Robin
and her creepy therapist
gave me an idea.
Ted, we have here a way
to solve every single debate
we've ever had!
I mean, just look at the sample:
guys, girls,
blacks, Asians, a German family.
You can't pay for that kind of
focus group!
Is macaroni salad
really a salad?
Hands up if you say "no."
Ha!
Jacob or Edward?
Who says Edward?
Ha, ha. See?
I told you.
It's Edward
James Olmos.
Would you rather have sex
with a dead human being
or a live an...?
Dude.
What?
Find the line.
Who thinks David
Hasselhoff is awesome?
Hmm.
It's true.
Okay. I've got one.
If you're dating a girl,
and she lies
about her age,
who says break up
with her?
Yes, yes, but what if
the person she's lying to
is notoriously
shallow about age?
Okay, but what if early
in our relationship,
she made a really big deal
about wanting to not
lie to each other?
What if she's hot?
Who wants five bucks?
Pollstered!
Let's do this.
Hmm? Yeah.
Mm...
Okay, this is creepy.
It's Crispin
Glover creepy.
You were my patient.
You shared intimate stuff.
It would be like dating
your gynecologist.
You were vulnerable.
That's not something
we can move past.
Guess not.
So, dating your gyno,
that's bad, too?
Oh, Robin.
Kidding!
Look, we've got another one!
Come on,
have a bite.
No, it's a matter
of principle.
I don't care how good it is,
I'm not gonna have
a third piece of cake!
Okay, guys, you all had
a lot of fun today,
but now it's time...
to have even more fun!
Another cake!
Another cake?!
What is the matter
with you people?!
That settlement today was
a flaming pile of...
puppies...
that aren't on fire!
Look at what's happening
to the environment,
and we're here doing the limbo?
I mean, we should be ashamed
of ourselves!
Sir, all I meant was...
Ten years from right now,
everyone outside in that bullpen
will be dead.
What?
I've seen the
latest research, Marsh.
You know how I'm always saying
it's not too late
to save the planet?
It's too late
to save the planet.
There's nothing to do
but sit back
and await our inevitable doom.
Oh, my goodness, a piñata!
Just give me one minute, Larry.
Thank you.
Our grotesque, inevitable doom!
Now, of course,
you can't go around
telling all the people
that the good ship
Environmentalism
has sailed off into the sunset.
There would cause a panic.
So, instead,
what we do is,
we come to work,
we put on a happy face,
and we sue the big guys
for just enough money
for some cake
before the unfiltered rays
of the sun fry us like chalupas,
and our lungs fill up
with salt water,
and we all die!
Mmm. This cake is delicious.
Everything's fine.
Ugh, this day sucks.
Kevin and I are kaputski.
You think that's bad?
The world is
coming to an end.
You think that's bad?
My girlfriend is 37!
And my field trip is not going
as well as I'd hoped.
Hmm.
This day sucks.
Professor Mosby,
is the field trip over?
We'd like to go home.
Yeah, it's over.
Auf wiedersehen.
I just wanted
to inspire them,
you know, like my professors
inspired me.
But here we are,
at the end of the day...
Hey, class,
quick question.
Uh, is anyone here thinking
of becoming an architect?
Really?
Yeah, dude.
I mean,
all jobs suck,
but it's 4:00
in the afternoon,
and you're out at a bar
with your friends,
so the hours can't
be that bad.
So...
yeah, I don't know,
I'd think about it.
I got through to you. Oh!
I mean, that is, if becoming
a deejay doesn't pan out.
You are gonna be
a great architect.
He became a deejay.
Robin, what are you doing here?
I told you I can't
be your therapist.
I know.
Today, I am your therapist.
What?
You said yourself,
I'm always looking for reasons
not to be happy.
Well, I'm trying to change that.
So, if the only reason
we can't be together
is because I was
in a vulnerable place
for the first two hours
we knew each other
then that is two hours of
vulnerability you owe me.
Sit down.
Okay.
Okay, but I must warn you, as a
professional, I'm immune to...
Tell me about your mother.
Everything she says
is a manipulation!
When I was
seven years old...
Mr. Cootes.
- Hey.
- Listen, I've been thinking
a lot about what you said
yesterday,
about how we're all gonna die.
Oh, I'm not gonna die.
I bought an old mine shaft
in Colorado.
I've spent the last six months
filling it with canned goods,
assault rifles and all five
seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Okay, first of all,
you can skip season two.
Second of all, after our talk...
I came pretty close
to giving up myself.
But then I went to the doctor
with my wife...
and...
I saw this.
Boy or girl?
I don't know.
But I know I sure as hell
can't give up now.
So, if you're just looking
for someone
to hold the other end
of the limbo stick,
you got the wrong guy for
the job, and you know why?
'Cause you're three feet taller
than everyone in this office?
No. Because if I am
gonna work here,
then first thing
tomorrow morning,
I'm walking down
to Gruber Pharmaceuticals,
and I'm rejecting their offer.
Even if I have to do it myself.
Listen, I want you
to know... I know.
Know what?
Nora.
Barney.
Nora.
Just say what you're gonna say!
I know you're old!
And I've been struggling
with it,
but when I look at you...
I don't care,
because I really like you.
And because for 37,
you are keeping it toit!
You think I'm 37?
Well, if you were really 29,
then you would have
been a little kid
the first time you saw the Ewoks
and you would have loved them.
Barney, I didn't see
any of the Star Wars
movies until last year.
You... you're 29!
You still have
one good year left.
- What?
- Nothing.
Mm...
But Naveen's the neurosurgeon,
so of course he gets
all the attention!
Oh, Naveen is so smart,
he operates on people's brains!
Well, guess what, Mom?!
I treat the human mind!
Our time is up.
I don't think
this is gonna work.
I scared you off, didn't I?
No, I mean, I don't think
I can be your therapist.
You're really cute.
The next day,
Marshall returned to
Gruber Pharmaceuticals alone.
I mean, you admit
that you polluted the lake.
We got the evidence.
We got the charts.
The fish...
Fish, huh?
Fish are weird.
You ever think
about the names of fish?
I mean, come on.
Carp.
Garrison, what a nice surprise.
Your star apprentice
was just, uh...
"Floundering."
Little, little
fish humor
for you guys.
It was not going well.
I'm here to turn
down the 24,000.
Well, I can maybe get you
24,500.
Not... good... enough.
Where are we going?
To war, son.
We're going to war.
We're going to save the planet.
And kids, as we now know,
they did.
Hey, you know
what was on last night?
- Stand and Deliver.
- Mm.
- So good.
- Mm-hmm.
Whatever happened
to Jacob James Olmos?
Who?
Jacob James Olmos.
Whatever happened to that guy?
He never existed.
It's Edward James Olmos.
You're Olmos correct.
It's Jacob James Olmos.
- It's Edward James Olmos.
- Jacob James Olmos.
Edward James Olmos.
- You're joking, right...?
- Are you serious...?
- Seriously.
- Jacob James Olmos.