How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Stinson Missile Crisis - full transcript

I can't believe
I'm talking to a therapist.

Well, usually, I'm not
the touchy-feely,

talk-about-your-emotions type,

but with this, I just had
to be a big enough person

to admit that I need help.

Huh. I guess this is what
growing up feels like.

This is court-mandated therapy.

You assaulted a woman.

Oh...

That silly thing.

I guess we can talk about that.

It all began a few months ago.

There's this guy, Barney.
We used to date.

I set him up with this girl
I work with, Nora.

Barney was working hard

to prove he was
real boyfriend material.

So, all week, I had to sit there
watching him...

send flowers...

chocolates...

balloons.

Then one day...

Hey...

I heard Barney didn't send
anything today.

Patrice said
maybe he met somebody else.

She's such
a bitch, right?

♪ When a man loves a woman ♪

♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothin' else ♪

He's so dreamy.

Nobody asked you, Patrice!

I'm sorry.
You must already think

that I'm a horrible person.

Robin, many of my patients
are disturbed felons.

Last week, one of them mailed me
a bag of his feces.

On the plus side,
he remembered my birthday.

You're doing fine.

Well, finally, I-I just
couldn't take it anymore.

I snapped.

♪ When a man, when a man,
when this man ♪

♪ Loves a woman! ♪

Aw...!

And that's when
the assault occurred?

Not exactly.

So, you're drunk

under a desk, binge-eating
stolen chocolates.

Boy, I am not coming
across great here, am I?

This is not about how
you're coming across.

But no.

Okay, well, for this story
to make sense,

I have to tell you about
my friends Marshall and Lily.

The wine looks good.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

pregnant women
can't drink alcohol.

No, my doctor says it's okay

to have a sip of wine
every now and then.

Really?

Dr. Sonya's great.

Whenever you ask her if you can
have something, she's, like...

Just a little bit.

Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let
you have sushi, does she?

Just a little bit.

You're allowed
to have Cheetos?

Cheetos...

Ah, just a little bit.

You mind if I double-check

some of this stuff
just in case?

I mean, it's the least
I could do

as part of Team Baby.

"Team Baby"?
Whoa. What's next,

like, cheesy
matching T-shirts?

No.

Robin, I've had serial killers
lead me

to shallow graves faster
than you're telling this story.

Okay! Look, it was getting
impossible for me

to be around Nora,
so when an opportunity

to get rid of her
presented itself...

It's Sandy time!

Huddle up, gang.

Two things: 1) Somebody stole

a very expensive bottle of wine
from my office...

2) I need a producer to cover
the G8 Summit in France.

Nora will do it!

I mean, I know I have
seniority, but...

I was gonna ask Nora anyway.

Thanks for the support, Robin.
This is huge for me.

Are, are you
sure about this, Sandy?

I do have seniority.

Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.

I want to have sex with her.

To deal with that rejection
from Barney,

not to mention your boss...

must've really hurt.

Why don't we dig
into those emotions?

So Marshall and Lily were
at Dr. Sonya's office...

It's fascinating

how profoundly little I know
about vaginas.

DR. SONYA
Come in.

Ted, what are you
doing here?!

I checked up on all the stuff

this "doctor" says is okay,
and she's wrong.

So, for the health of this baby,
I'm stepping in.

Sounds like this Ted guy could
benefit from some therapy.

Oh, he definitely could.

This is unacceptable.

I'm sorry, we're gonna have
to find a new doctor.

Guys, for the health
of our baby,

Our?
we have to get serious

about what Lily is
putting in her body.

Speaking of which,
when we deliver,

we won't be using any drugs.

Get out!

Why are you kicking me out?!

Because you're always intruding
on our intimate moments!

This is like college
all over again!

Man, you guys
sure are messy!

There's clothes everywhere.

There's even a sock
on the door!

A sock on the door
is a universal code

for "We need some space."

We needed it back then,
and we need it now.

Come on! We're a trio!

We've always been a trio!

We're right up there with Batman
and Robin and Alfred.

Out!

Romeo and Juliet
and the Apothecary.

Now!

Salt and Pepper and Cumin!

What's that little guy
up there do?

Oh, you poor girl.

Robin!

It all ties together, I swear.

So, Nora was about
to leave for France.

You know, not
too long ago,

I would have
been worried

that if I left you alone,

you'd be up to no good
with some blond bimbo.

Oh, I've changed.

I know, which is why
when I get back,

it's gonna be the start
of a new chapter for us.

A chapter of me and you
and hopefully not that tie.

You got me!

Have a nice trip!

Dr. Stinson?
I saw your ad,

and I'm here for my free
breast-reduction consultation.

What do you think?

Are they too big?

I can't believe you're still
running plays on dumb blondes!

I thought you were
serious about Nora!

No, I've been good, I swear!

I just forgot about my BDSes.

- BDSes?
- Bimbo Delivery Systems.

You see, over the years,
I've launched a variety

of elaborate systems that are
always working to get me laid.

Like my pop-up ads.

Oh, hi.
I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.

Are your really large breasts

making everyday tasks difficult?

Oh!

There's just got
to be a better way!

There is!

I, Dr. Barney Stinson,
for a limited time only,

can give you a free
breast-reduction consultation.

Call me.

If your knockers are
just too damn big,

I can handle them... it.

Women actually
fell for that?

Yeah.
That business really took off.

It played in all kinds
of markets.

Okay, survivors,
today's reward challenge

is brought to you by
Dr. Barney Stinson's

Free Breast Reduction
Consultations.

That scam was
so successful,

it spawned a related enterprise.

If you've been fooled
by a well-endowed man

who claimed to be a doctor

offering free breast-reduction
consultations,

come see me, Arnie Linson,
attorney-at-law,

and join my class-action suit.

If your giant breasts
have been wronged,

I can handle them... it.

I got 'em comin' and goin'!

Uh-huh.

I can't believe you go

to so much trouble
to get laid.

Yeah, sometimes I don't
even have to shower.

Mama loves it musky.

I gotta shut down all these
systems before Nora gets back.

How am I gonna do all that
in three days?

I'll help you.

Maybe you should write
on your little chart there:

"Patient selflessly tried
to help a friend in need."

First of all, this is
a crossword puzzle.

Secondly, you were clearly
planning on using

those three days
to steal Barney back.

I am his friend! How dare you!

God, you think you're so smart
just because

you went to Harvard

and then Princeton

and then... wow,
Harvard again.

Okay, yes, fine.

I was... I was trying
to steal him back.

This is good.
You're finally opening up

and talking about yourself,

not just what Marshall
and Lily were up to.

Oh, yeah, so Marshall and Lily
were folding laundry...

That one's my fault.

You know...

Never mind.

It's just...

Forget it.

Marshall, you're
a grown-ass man.

If you want to say
something, just say it.

I feel bad for Ted!
And if my mom were here,

she would ask me what was wrong.

You feel bad for Ted?!

It's tough feeling
like the third wheel.

Okay, first of all,
I'm sure Ted's fine.

Who eats salt and pepper
without cumin?

Second, Ted is way off base
coming after Dr. Sonya.

We love her! Right?

Don't tell me
you're doubting Dr. Sonya!

Just a little bit.

What's that thing?

Well, for some women, it was
the ashes of my parents.

For others, it was the trophy
from Wimbledon.

And believe it or not, for
one busty dullard, it was both.

Game, enormous set, match.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, thanks
for calling me back.

Uh, Barney,

It's Mitch
from the Port Authority.

Port Authority Mitch.
You'd always call me whenever

a wide-eyed farm girl
would get off the bus

with big dreams of Broadway
and no idea

what a "casting director"
could legally ask her to do,

hold or lick during an audition.

I'm sorry, old friend,

your services are
no longer needed.

Oh, God, I can't believe
I'm doing this over the phone!

My love to Marge and the kids!

I know. Here.

I didn't realize this would be so hard!
I know, I know.

But hey, you know what? We're
almost through our checklist.

- Okay? Okay?
- Okay.

Which reminds me,

why am I calling a hair salon
and saying,

"Jack Fantastic is quitting"?

Sweetheart,

it's like Maya Angelou
keeps telling Oprah,

and I keep telling you:

When you know better,
you do better.

Wow, you are so wise.

I wish you were straight
so I could date you.

Well...

as a matter of fact, I have
an extremely attractive

straight twin brother!

Oh, hi.

I cropped that Halloween photo.

It's just salt and pepper, now,
so it looks ridiculous.

Ted, I want you back on Team Baby.
What?

I knew you'd come around!

Guys! I didn't really
crop the photo!

Plus...

Good news.

I signed us up for
a birthing class.

Well, that's insane.

It's way too early for
that, right, Marshall?

Okay, listen. I am the
father of this child,

and I vote that we go
to the birthing class.

Absolutely not.

'Kay, Lily.

I hate to play this card...

but if you don't
come to this class...

I'm withholding sex.

I don't think she's coming.

Yeah.

I was a little suspicious when
she had us take separate cabs.

Lily, don't do it!

Just a little bit.

Think about our baby!

You got to be kidding me,
Robin. Get to the assault.

Okay, fine.

So Barney and I were finishing
packing his apartment...

Okay. One last item
on the checklist.

Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.

What the hell's that?

I was able to secure the
customer database from a company

that sells body glitter
and high-end pasties.

The Cold Call 5000 will
dial every female client

between the ages of 22 and 23,

and leave the following message:

Hi, I know this is crazy,

but I saw you on the subway,
and I knew we were meant to be.

If you believe in destiny,
come to MacLaren's tonight

and find me, Barney Stinson.

Because I have this feeling that
I'm supposed to be on you--

with you.

Why not re-record it?

I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.

I can't believe
Lily's not coming!

You know what? Screw it!

Who says that two bros
can't rock a birthing class?

Rock it!

Today, we'll be exploring
"The Sensual Massage."

Let's start by gently cupping
our partner's hands...

and just breathe each other in.

Thanks, Robin.

You're the only person I know
who would help me do all that.

You're a real bro.

Am I, though?

'Cause I'm really
more of a woman.

To my femininity.

Nah, you're more of a bro.

You're a dude.
You're a man.

Hey, you are flying
solo one more night.

How about I put on
a smokin' hot dress,

you slap a vest over
that crime scene of a tie

and we paint the town?

I mean, when was the last time
we got rip-roaring drunk

in clothing that
highlights our genders?

So, your plan was to
be out on the town,

dressed provocatively, drinking
with another woman's man.

Robin, this is our
first session, and

I know this is just one
clinical opinion, but...

you a dawg!

Yeah...

There was just one problem...

Surprise!

I got back early!

Hey!

Let me guess,

you got drunk
under your desk again?

No, Mr. Harvard. I handled
things a little differently...

So, I suppose now you want me
to talk about how it felt

watching Barney and Nora
walk off together, right?

I'd rather just skip ahead
to the assault.

My next patient thinks he's God.

On the off chance
that he's right,

I really don't want
to keep him waiting.

Well, right after they left,
something crazy happened.

Excuse me, do you know where
I can find Barney Stinson?

He saw me on the subway and left
me a message to meet him here.

Why not re-record it?

I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.

Hi, I know this is crazy,

but I saw you on the subway...

He asked me if I believed
in destiny. And I do.

We are so meant to be.

Where can I find him?

So I was faced
with a moral dilemma.

Unleash this nut bag on them

or be a bigger person,
and help my friend.

Barney's at Café L'Amour,
75th and Amsterdam.

- Awesome!
- No, wait, wait, wait!

Okay, this isn't right.

Let's pop that top
button, show off your gals.

Ooh! Good luck, go get 'em!

Let your love come
through your fingers.

Dude, the rule is no moaning

and keep your eyes
open at all times.

Stop being weird.

And hey, when do I
get to be the woman?

Now remember, the most
important thing in pregnancy

is to keep Mom calm and happy.

She knows best what she needs.

Trust her.

Now, Papas,

I want you to take
Mom's hands in yours,

look deep into her eyes,

and repeat after me.

I believe in you.

I believe in you.

I honor your body's wisdom.

I honor your body's wisdom.

Your womb is a temple.

- Your womb is a--
- Okay, I get it!

I feel terrible we didn't
listen to what Lily wanted!

I know, so do I.

The truth is, I thought
I'd be married by now

and going through all this
stuff alongside you guys.

But even if I meet the girl of
my dreams right this second,

I'm still one night
and nine months away

from having a family
of my own.

And that's assuming the
mother of my children

is just a huge slut.

Don't lose hope, Ted.

That slut is out there.

Thanks, buddy.

We owe Lily an apology.

Yeah.

Dads, this is the time that
I'll answer every question

you've ever had about vaginas.

Damn it!

Hey.

I'm so sorry, Lily.

You have just a little bit.

I realize now that it's my job
for the next seven months

to keep you happy,
and that's why...

I'm no longer withholding sex.

My hero.

But I want to make sure
that you feel comfortable

with Dr. Sonya, too.

I do. And you know what,

the fact that she's so calm
and laid back,

maybe that's not a bad thing.

Maybe that's exactly
what we're gonna want

in that delivery room.

Lily, if you don't push, I will
shove this baby up your throat

and pull it out of your mouth!

Where the hell is Marshall?!

That's a crazy story, kids.

I'll get to that.

Hey, Ted's out
in the hall.

He wants to apologize, too.

Hey.

What happened to your sock?

Long story. Bottom line,
I realized that sometimes

love means taking a step back.

Well, not always.

I mean, sometimes it's
better to interfere

and sabotage stuff, right?

Well, I think if you
care about somebody,

you should want them
to be happy,

even if you wind up
being left out.

Wow.

The lesson you learned
with Lily and Marshall

is directly applicable
to my situation,

and is therefore

a valid part of how I'll
eventually tell this story.

Really?

That's how that went down?

Point is, it all
tied together, right?

Not really at all.

Can we just get to the assault?

To us!

Barney, it's me!

I love you, Barney!

Mmm, scallops look good.

Oh, they are.

But the last time I was here
they ran out, so, uh...

knock... on... wood.

Well, I have my eye on the
red velvet cake for dessert.

Lovely. Splitsies?

Nah, I want it
all to myself.

Really?

Arm wrestle for it?

No!

All right.

I love this place.

- Thank you, babe.
- You're welcome.

Babe.

Barney doesn't know a thing
about any of this.

But that's why I got
court-mandated therapy.

You must think I'm nuts.

I think you're
a really good friend.

Really?

Really.

As far as I'm concerned,
there was no criminal intent

to this assault.

Well, thanks, Doc!

Well, look at us!

We got this wrapped up
in one session.

Go us, right?

Now let's discuss how you
keyed the judge's car.

Okay. Um...

Here's how it happened:

Marshall and Lily were supposed
to go to the zoo--

okay, it all ties together,
I swear. Now...