How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 17 - No Pressure - full transcript

Kids, I'll never forget
the first time

I told your mother I loved her.

It was a rainy day in New York.

We just had a horrible lunch.

The movie we wanted to see
was sold out,

and I just looked at her

and said, "I love you."

It was a big deal for me.

I hadn't said that
to a girl since...

I love you, Robin.

I'm serious.

Do you remember why we
broke up in the first place?

We asked each other,
"Where do you want

to be in five years?"

And our answers
were just too different.

Well, it's
five years later,

and where are we?

Standing on the roof

where I kissed you
for the first time.

I know this is
a lot to process,

so no pressure here.

Just... what do you think?

You know what?
You're exhausted, it's late.

Let's just go to sleep.

Well, good night.

What the hell was that?

Okay, I can fix this.

I-I was just temporarily insane
because of my Lyme disease,

which I got on a camping trip
that I didn't tell her about

because... I go camping
in secret.

Perfect.

Or I could say, "I'm sorry,
we're great as friends.

Let's just forget
I ever said anything."

Yeah, that's probably better.

Okay, here goes.

I go camping in secret.

Wow, Ted, I...
wow, okay.

You got to give
me a minute here.

Yeah, of course.

Okay, um, we need to
t-talk about this.

This time yesterday,
I was in Vermont

engaged to another man.

I mean, it's been 24 hours
of emotional mayhem,

and, and the day
is still not over.

I mean, I swear
to God,

if there's any more surprises,
I'm gonna hit someone!

... comrade.

That means,

"Hello, coworker."

You ready for our trip
to Mother Russia?

Oh, yeah, Aunt Robin
was thrilled World Wide News

asked her to go to Moscow
to cover Maslenitsa.

She was less thrilled
to discover

Maslenitsa is the city's
annual butter festival.

Even worse, she'd spend
an entire week with all those

buttery Russians
and her archenemy Patrice.

Uh, our flight leaves
at 9:00 p.m., not a.m.

God... Patrice!

But, Robin,
the schedule says 9:00 a.m.

and my ticket says 9:00 a.m.

and all the e-mail reminders
said 9:00 a.m.

and our boss in the car
downstairs said...

Okay, Patrice, I get it!

Oh, no!

Pair of pants
coming in hot!

Noise-canceling
headphones.

Oh, I don't need 'em.

It's a ten-hour flight and
your sitting next to Patrice.

Oh, God,
where's my cough syrup?

You're gonna make it.

I'll bring
your bag down.

Where are my shoes?
Where are my shoes?!

Don't worry. It's fine.

And look, about all this...
Just go.

Good-bye.
Bye.

Why didn't I kiss her?

We'll continue this
when I get back.

Hello.

I know it's early,

but can you meet me
at the bar right now, alone?

I'm on my way.

I got to meet Ted
at the bar.

It's 7:00 a.m.

Man, Ted really needs to work
on his boundaries.

Shh, guys, seriously.

Why are you in our bed?

I took the drunk train
and got stuck out here.

Oh, God, I am so hungover.

Oh, God,
Lily's not wearing a bra!

Shh!

Bye, baby.

Do you think...?

Okay, I already know
I don't want to hear this.

Do you think
that if we did it...

Yeah, I was right.
I don't want to hear this.

...and I did
a really good job...

Please leave.

...that I could turn that
into my baby?

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Morning sickness?
No.

It's crazy, right?

Are you shocked?

No, I'm not shocked.
You're in love with Robin.

Do you remember back

at Christmas when she was upset,
you didn't even know why,

and you spent eight hours
setting up Christmas lights

in the apartment
just to cheer her up.

That was a platonic friend thing.
A platonic friend thing?

Really? Ted,
let me ask you a question.

Would you have done that for me?

You probably would have.
You're such a good friend, Ted.

You, too, buddy.

I'm going into the city.

Just, while I'm gone,

don't go snooping around
in our stuff.

I know you think we have
a sex tape hidden somewhere,

so I'll save you the trouble.
We don't. Good-bye.

Here's that moment
from Barney's perspective.

We have a sex tape hidden
somewhere.

Challenge accepted.

Robin again?

Why does everyone
keep going after Robin?

How come no one
ever takes a run at me?

Barney hits on you every day.

Yeah, but he just wants
to bang me.

I want something real.

I know, babe.

Double A Cleaning.

Consuela, it's Barney.

I need you and the girls
for the afternoon.

Of course, right away,
Mr. Barney.

Are you at home now?

No, I'm at a house
on Long Island.

I'll text you the details.

It's a big job.
The place has been ransacked.

We'll get right on it.

Thanks, Consuela,
you're the best.

Ted, I know
you're ready to go

with this whole
you-and-Robin thing,

but is she ready
to go?

Is she ready to go? Um...

Mmm, we'll continue this...

when I get back.

So...

Are you sure
that it wasn't...?

We'll continue this
when I get back.

Okay.

What?! No!

Damn it, Lily,
why are you rooting against me?

I'm not rooting
against you.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, she was.

You see, at that very moment...

"Long-term bets"?

Hmm.

My God! They're placing bets
on our lives.

And I'm sorry,
Ted cannot pull off bald.

You know Ted.
I'm right about this.

Ted, I'm your best friend.
Why would I root against you?

Lily bets Marshall that Ted
and Robin won't end up together.

That's why.

So, Lily was betting against
me and Robin.

I just didn't know it.

Okay, you want to make
it work with Robin?

You need to stay
on her radar.

Call her right now.

She's on the plane.
Her phone's off.

Oh, my God!

How adorable would it be
if when the plane lands,

she turns on her phone

and her mailbox is full
of messages from you?!

Ted, don't leave
her any voice mails.

Why not?

Because...
Because you need to go to Russia.

With love!

Surprise her.

Make the--
in no way creepy--

grand romantic gesture
that we all know Robin loves.

Oh!

So I just walk up to her
in Red Square

with a dozen roses?

Or float down to her

in my hot air balloon

with ten dozen roses!

Yes, that's perfect!

Not like this, Lily.

Not like this.

If you'll excuse me,
I've got some sonnets to write.

Stay put, Ted.
You're gonna want to hear this.

Guys, what's this?

And Marshall and Lily
explained.

It all started ten years
earlier.

They had been looking
for a new hobby

they could do as a couple.

I already missed
the beginner's lesson.

Maybe I shouldn't even go.

Ah, screw it.

I've seen the Olympics.
I know what I'm doing.

I'm going skiing, bitches!

He's gonna break
his leg.

He's not gonna
break his leg.

20 bucks says he does.

"Lily bets Marshall

that Ted
will break his leg skiing."

You would be amazed.

People fall off ski lifts
all the time.

Well, I gotta hit the head.

Well, he didn't
break his leg.

Yeah, I gotta say that, um,

making money off this bet
just makes me feel...

More alive than
you've felt in years?

Yes!
New hobby!

We need a cash box,
some glitter and some glue!

You've been
betting on us?

Like we're a
couple of hobos

fighting over
a sandwich

in some psycho preppy
kid's backyard?

No, this is just
what happens in marriage.

You get bored.

You run out
of things to do.

We were making models.

You single people
are out there

with the drinking
and the sleeping around...

Model airplanes.

The grinding
and the bumping

and the hot sweaty bodies.

...with little propellers
that spin.

Oh, this one looks
interesting.

Lily, I thought you said
you wanted to.

It was your idea.

I starved myself for a week
to get camera-ready.

You had a bear claw
for breakfast.

Yeah, a bear claw.

I-I changed my mind.

I-I just don't want Barney
to see us doing it.

Barney is never gonna see this.

Oh, come on. It's Barney.

Eventually,
somehow he's gonna see it.

Want to bet?

So there really is a sex tape.

Anyhoozles,
just... long-term bets,

just a silly thing we do.

What about you, Ted?

Your hair's looking good.

"Lily bets Marshall
that Ted and Robin

won't end up together."

Wow.

So now it's
becoming clear why...

you've been trying to sabotage
my future happiness.

To win a bet.

Come on, Ted.

We made that bet
so long ago.

And boy, it's been
a real nail-biter.

Ted and Stella
got engaged.

Pay up.

Not yet.

We are driving
to the wedding.

Pay up.

Not yet.

We are at the wedding.

Pay up.

Not yet.

Damn it.

I can't believe you guys!

I got left at the altar,

and all you cared about
was some stupid bet?

I never stopped rooting
for you, but I...

Ted, I'm not rooting
against you.

I just don't think Robin's
the girl you marry.

That's why I made
the stupid bet to begin with.

I mean, yes,
it's five years later,

and you haven't settled down
with anyone else,

but you haven't settled down
with Robin, either.

There must be
a reason for that.

What's standing
in the way?

God...

if you help me find
this sex tape,

I am going to make
some changes in my life.

I am going to stop
sleeping around,

quit drinking so much,
no more shenanigans.

I am going to devote
my entire life

to doing good deeds,
and praising your name.

Is this what you're
looking for, Mr. Barney?

Never mind, bro. Found it.

I found it!

Sweet glory hallelujah,
I found it, Ted.

You're the only idiot I know
who still owns a VCR,

so you are
the lucky winner of the

"Who gets to sit next to me
and watch our best friends

go bananas all over each other""
sweepstakes.

To the outdated
viewing device!

And then I realized
why Robin and I

hadn't gotten back together
in the last five years.

Oh, my God.

Robin's in love with you.

I can't believe
I didn't see it before.

Robin is in love with you.

No, she's not.
Trust me.

Yes, she is.

Something happened
between you guys.

That's why
you broke up with Nora.

That night,
I saw you in her room,

there were rose petals,
candles...

You saw that?

Well, then, maybe you also saw

those rose petals and candles
going into a garbage bag.

And then Barney
told me everything.

How he and Robin hooked up.

How he broke up with Nora
to be with her.

How he thought she would do
the same for him.

How she broke his heart.

She chose Kevin.

It hurt, but...

I guess they're in love.

They broke up last night.

Bummer.

Anyway, let's make our own bets
about this sex tape.

I've got Marshall
with a surprise piercing

at five-to-one odds,

Lily with a landing strip,
ten-to-one,

Marshall with a landing strip,
even money.

I don't believe this.

You were in love with Robin,

you find out she's single,
and your reaction is "Bummer"?

What do you want me to say, Ted?

Whatever I
thought was there,

she thought differently.

So... no, I don't care
that Robin is single again.

So if Robin started dating
someone else, you wouldn't mind?

Nope.

Even if that somebody else
was me?

Even if that somebody else
was you.

Really?
Really.

Hey, bros before hos, right?

No matter how mad she made me,

Robin's still my bro.

And if, uh, you make her happy,

then that makes me happy.

Barney, you've really grown up,
you know that?

Thanks.

Now let's watch our two best
friends have sex on tape.

I'll make the popcorn.

Don't watch that tape!

Watch that tape!

Well, sorry, I just really
want to win the bet.

And here we go.

O-okay. Okay, fine, Barney.

Watch our dirty little home
movie, but be forewarned,

at about the one minute mark,

you're going to see me
make this face.

Oh, God,
that's the face you made

the day we rode motorcycles.
Yeah.

Yeah. You really
want to see that?

A-and do you want
to hear me go, uh...

It can't sound like that.
It can't.

I know that noise, I've heard it
through the walls.

I thought the neighbors
had a sick cat.

Okay, but, Barney,
just remember,

you'll also be seeing
a lot of this:

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

It's this, but
I'm not pregnant.

My skin is loose,
like an elephant.

My boobs are
perky and plump.

I slobber
like a confused old dog.

I slap my own ass.
I slap my own ass!

Barney...

that was my VCR.

Ted...

it was a VCR.

A week later, Robin's plane landed...

and I was there to meet
her at the airport.

♪

She told me all about her trip.

And then we got dinner at the restaurant
we hadn't been to in a long time.

And by the end of the night,
one thing had become clear:

It's not going to happen, is it?

I'm sorry.

It's because of Barney.

What?

No.

Barney and I... we...

No. No. It's just...

You know, things have
just been so crazy lately.

Everything in my life
is... unstable.

I mean, you're one of the few
things that I can count on.

And... I really don't
want to mess that up.

We-we... we still have our deal,
right?

If we're both still...
single when we're 40?

Yeah. Yeah.

No. Look... I'm sorry.

I-I can't do that anymore.

As long as the door
is even a little bit open,

I have this feeling
that I'll just be...

waiting around to see if I win
the lottery when you turn 40.

I think you know
how you feel about me now,

and... I don't think time's
going to change that.

Just tell me.

Do you love me?

No.

I'm sorry.

We're great as friends.

Let's just...

Let's just forget
I ever said anything.

Bar. Alone. Now.

It's just a bump
in the road.

You guys are meant
to be together.

You can't give up.

You... i-it can still happen.

No. Marshall...

What about
the hot air balloon thing,

with the ten dozen roses?

And how's the sonnet coming, buddy?
Dude.

You bet on the wrong horse.
Let it go.

Believe it or not,

I'm happy about this. I'm...

I can finally move on.

This is a good thing.

Really.

Hey, Robin.

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Hey. Uh, look, before I forget,
here's Lily's hairdryer.

I borrowed it, like,
a million years ago.

Yeah, you can keep that.

Um... Hey, listen,

Ted told me what happened
with you guys,

and he says that
he's at peace with it.

Oh, really?

That's good.

He's lying, Robin.

He's trying to be strong,
but it's killing him,

and so, as his best friend,

I have to say something that...

he loves you
just way too much to say.

You gotta move out.

I know.

♪ And all of the ghouls
come out to play ♪

♪ And every demon
wants his pound of flesh ♪

♪ But I like to keep
some things to myself ♪

♪ I like to keep
my issues strong ♪

♪ It's always darkest
before the dawn ♪

♪ And I've been a fool
and I've been blind ♪

♪ I can never leave
the past behind ♪

♪ I can see no way

♪ I can see
no way ♪

♪ I'm always dragging
that horse around ♪

Here's the funny thing.

In my own crazy way,
I was kind of happy.

For the first time in years,
there was no little part of me

clinging to the dream
of being with Robin.

Which meant,
for the first time in years,

the world was wide open.

Because, kids...

when a door closes,

well...

...you know the rest.

♪ Shake it out, shake it out

♪ Oh, whoa...

♪ And it's hard to dance

♪ With a devil on your back

♪ So shake him off

- For Ted's sake,
- I hate to say this,

but... pay up.

Not yet.