How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 18 - Karma - full transcript

NARRATOR: Kids, 2012 started out
kind of crazy.

Barney met a girl named Quinn,

Kevin unproposed to Robin,

I told Robin...

I love you, Robin.

When I asked if she

loved me back, she said...

No.

Marshall told Robin...

You got to move out.

And Robin did.

I can't even open
her bedroom door anymore.

Why do I have
to be so sensitive?

I don't know, bro.

Look at me and that Quinn chick.

You don't hear me
prattling on

about how beautiful
her smile is,

how her hair is like a waterfall
of honey-colored silk,

how her eyes are like
a warm South Sea

kissed by the fire
and gold of sunrise.

I don't even remember
what she looks like.

Dude, you obviously like her.
Can't you read

between the lines, Ted?

I obviously like her.

How did this happen to me?

When did I become such
a gooey romantic?

Look, I think it's healthy

that you have real feelings
for a woman

instead of just seeing her
as an object.

Switch?

Sure.

(snaps fingers)

But why Quinn?

I mean, you spent
one night with her,

and she was kind of mean.

We just connected.

Emotionally, intellectually,
spiritually.

So, mind-blowing sex?

Mind-blowing sex!

For an hour afterwards,
I couldn't uncross my eyes.

Which was awesome, because
when I went back for seconds,

it was like having
a three-way with twins.

So... call her.

I would if I knew how
to get in touch with her,

but I can't,
and it's driving me crazy.

Everywhere I look,
I see her.

I see her walking on the street;

I see her shopping in the store;

I see her dancing on that pole.

I see her dancing
on that pole, too.

Oh, my God, that's Quinn.

EMCEE: Gentlemen,
give it up for Karma.

I really appreciate
you guys taking me in.

I mean,

I'm homeless,

things between me and Ted
are still kind of weird.

So, it's nice
to be around friends.

Well, stay as long
as you want, sweetie.

Oh, thank you.

Mm.

Now, I got you a journal.

I know this sounds lame,

but it really helps work
through stuff to write about it.

Oh.

"Dear Diary. The fantasies
of killing Marshall's mom

"have become more vivid.

Today, I scalped her with a ..""
Whoops,

that one's mine.

You are going to have
so much fun here.

Oh, guys, please, do not feel like you
have to keep me entertained.

Well, you shouldn't have come
to East Meadow, Long Island,

Robin, if you didn't want
to be entertained.

Really? I didn't think
there was a ton to do here.

Oh, apparently, someone
hasn't heard

of the Uniondale
Miniatures Museum.

You'll come for
the 19th century thimble art,

but you'll stay for the
Dutch masters on bottle caps.

Plus,

you'll be bowling
with two

charter members of the
East Meadow Alley Cats.

"We're a hot dog eating team

with a bowling problem."

Shirley

came up with that one.

Great bowler, Shirley.

She hit 280 the other day.

Unfortunately,
that was on her bathroom scale.

NARRATOR: When Robin moved out,

there was a hole in my life

in the shape
of an empty bedroom.

I filled it with a new hobby.

(sizzling)

(coughing)

What are you doing
in my old room?

This room being empty
was bumming me out,

so I decided
to do something healthy

that would take my mind off you.

Well, nothing says healthy

like smoking 40 pounds
of pork loin

in an unventilated room

while having an imaginary
conversation with your ex.

Just for that,
you're not getting any.

I'm not getting any?

You're the one smoking
your own meat.

Oh!

(knocking)

What am I gonna do
about this Quinn thing?

I want to ask her out again,

but I don't know how I feel
about her being a stripper.

Why would you have
an issue with that?

I mean, you've dated convicted
felons, arms dealers...

pageant moms.

Hey, Quinn is someone I might
want to get serious with,

not just pretend to be a judge

(chuckles) Tiffany's mom really
wanted that tiara.

In a city of eight
million people,

you happened to walk into
the club where she works?

Maybe it's destiny.

No, Destiny strips
at The Melon Patch.

They're people, Ted;
try to keep them straight.

Wait a minute.

What if this is destiny?

I just said...

What if the universe

is throwing us in each other's
path for some reason?

More or less exactly what I...

I don't care what you say,
this is destiny!

Damn it, Ted!

Why can't you ever root
for love?

Hey.

Hey.

Quinn...

No, listen,

in here I'm Karma, okay?

Got it.

Uh, look, Karma,

I swear

I never say crap
like this, but...

I think maybe
the universe

is telling us something.

You want to go out again?

I'm sorry,
I don't date customers.

What about destiny?

I heard she's
over at The Melon Patch now.

No, I mean like fate telling us
that we're supposed to be...

Oh, listen, Barney,

my manager is really
giving me the stink eye.

I have to get back to work.

Okay, wait, wait.

What if I pay for a dance?

That way,

your manager's happy,

and then I can to tell you

why you should go on
another date with me.

I guess there's
no reason why not.

Okay, first off,
we have a lot in common.

For example,

both of our jobs
are largely financed

by drunk Asian businessmen.

Dear Diary.

It is day four on this island,

which the natives have dubbed
"Long Island,"

perhaps referencing

how each hour here feels
like it may never end.

So far, they have welcomed me

and given me a rare glimpse
into their bizarre way of life.

By "entertainment," they mean
table shuffle board,

macramé classes, and other
non-stimulating activities

which are only used
in Manhattan

to calm down drug addicts
and the criminally insane.

A preliterate society,
their menus display pictures

of the food they offer,

everyone is forced
to sing "Happy Birthday"

four or five times a meal,

and dessert
has fireworks in it.

In their lairs, they often don
a primitive shroud

called a "Snugget,"
and it is not uncommon for them

to go to sleep before 9 p.m.,

fearing, as they do,

the night.

Also Diary, I think writing
in you is stupid,

but you were a gift from Lily,

and she's watching
me right now.

Guys, um, I don't want
to overstay my welcome,

and Patrice said that she would
take me off your hands.

So, do you have
a train schedule or...

Oh, yeah,

um, but-but

there's a-a problem
with the train.

Big, big problem.

There was a...

Strike.
A lightning strike.

That hit one of the picketers
who was on strike.

During a thunderstorm.

Plus,

Yeah, she probably doesn't
even want you there.

You guys are being weird.

Oh!
Oh!

Oh, my God, Robin,
I am so sorry.

I'll throw these in the wash.

They'll be dry
and folded in the morning.

Or the weekend.

And we can talk
about you leaving then.

(quietly):
Or never.

Wait, Lily, why don't...
(yawns loudly)

It's 8:45,
time to hit the hay.

LILY:
Good night!

(lock clicks)

So Ted, what healthy,

not-at-all-crazy activity
are you up to now?

I liked smoking meat,
but now I've got a new passion:

wood.

You hear these things that come
out of your mouth, right?

(knocking)

So I went back to
the Lusty Leopard.

You know what, Barney?

I know I said I have a rule
about not dating customers,

but you may have
convinced me to...

(music stops)
Oh.

Song's over, I got to go.

Wait, no, what?
Convinced you to what?

I'm sorry, but manager's
giving me the stink eye.

Ugh, get a life, Manager.

What were you saying?

Well, I was going to say

that I do find you
very... charming.

(chuckles)

And funny...

and sexy.

And exciting and smart.

You so get me.

You know what, Barney?

I have never done
this before,

but there's just
something about you.

So I guess my answer is...

(music stops)
(gasps) Oh.

The song's over.

Well, just finish the thought!

But the manager.
God,

I hate manager.

(snoring)

There. Your answer is...

Maybe if we knew each other
a little better.

(sighs)

Tell me about yourself.

Well, um, what can I tell you?

I'm, um...

charming and funny

and sexy and...

exciting and smart.

Well, how can a girl
say no to that?

How about we...

go out on...

aaaaaaaaa...

aaaaaa...

Ugh, these songs are so short.

(groans)

Uh, how much exactly
did you give Quinn?

Eight, nine hundred bucks,

plus whatever
my Rolex is worth.

Whoa.

I know.

Ted, I think I'm in love.

Quinn is totally playing you.

What?

That's ridiculous.

If she were playing me,

why would she agree
to go on a date with me?

You're different than
the rest of these schlubs.

This one time only,
I'm going to break my rule.

Let's go out tomorrow night.

Sweet!

Oh, shoot!
I have to work tomorrow. Ugh!

Hey! Brainstorm!

What if we just have
our date here,

It's a date.

It's not a date, if you go into a
strip club and paying for lap dances.

If it's not a date, why'd she
say, every fifth day was free?

Because that's
the Lusty Leopard's policy

on Friday nights, and I'm so mad
at you that I know that!

ROBIN: Dear Diary.

It is day six on this island,

and I begin to fear I am
more captive than guest...

(screams)

Morning, sweetie.

Up for croquet?

Hey, uh, Lil, are you done

washing my clothes yet?
Because I...

Oh, I am so sorry.

Your clothes accidentally
wound up in the bag

I donated to Goodwill.

You gave away my clothes?

They were a bit fancy
for East Meadow.

(whispers):
People were staring.

Besides, we have
an extra Snugget.

Try it.

Try it, Robin.

ROBIN: They're trying to make me
one of them, Diary.

And I begin to fear...

I may like it!

I can't believe we're
at a strip club,

and the biggest boob
in here is you.

It's a real date, Ted.

And clearly you haven't
seen the DeSalvo twins.

She's right over there.

Barney...
Yowza!

You are not on a date.

Okay, look, prove it.

Prove that she's not just
taking advantage of you.

Get her to go out with
you anywhere but here.

Fine!

Hey, sexy! You want a dance?

Yeah!

Uh, one thing, though.

Um, you'd be okay
with us having a date

somewhere besides here,
wouldn't you?

I was hoping you would ask that.

I'm sorry it's
so expensive in here,

but it's nice and private, huh?

Absolutely. And romantic!

It's our first getaway
as a couple!

It's become clear to me, Diary,

that I must attempt
a dramatic escape.

I will fake a stomach ache
during dinner.

Then, after Marshall and Lily
leave for bingo night,

I will sneak out the back.

I'll swipe Shirley's Rascal
and drive to the train station.

Shirley's 42, by the way,
and rides a Rascal.

I swear, it's the second half
of Wall-E out here.

(two handclaps)

Bingo...

was canceled.

Hey, sexy, you want a dance?

(chuckles) No,
I'm not a customer.

My girlfriend works here.

She's right over...

This one time only,
I'm gonna break my rule.

Let's go out tomorrow night!

Sweet!

Oh, shoot!

I have to work tomorrow. Ugh!

Hey! Brainstorm!

What if we just have
our date here,

maybe in
the Champagne Room?

That was our spot.

Hey, gorgeous,
You want a dance?

Is it a jig?

'Cause if so, it's up.

Sorry, I only had the last verse

of "Hot For Teacher" to work
on that. What was that?

You laid exactly the same line
on that guy that you did on me!

Sweetie, that is just something

I say to these
gullible losers here.

They fall for it every time.

(chuckling): Bunch of losers!

Oh, gosh, manager again.

He's looking at me like,

"Karma, why aren't you booking
more time

in the Champagne Room?"

Well, we'll show him.

No! You're playing me again!

And you're not even trying hard!

There's no manager there;
You're pointing at a fern!

Ted was right.

I bet he's home right now,
laughing at how dumb I am.

Did I deserve this?
Absolutely.

I have told
some outrageous lies.

I have told women I was famous,

a war hero,

that sex with me would cure
their nearsightedness.

Barney?!

I probably deserved everything
you did to me and more.

But I have been trying,

and trying hard
to be a better person.

Thanks for showing me

I had it right before.

Look, I'm sorry we made you feel
a little suffocated,

but were you really
just gonna sneak away?

Well, it's just...
I really miss the city.

I know you guys love it here,
and that's fine,

We don't love it here!

What?

Come on, Robin,

what kind
of life is this?

Going to canasta tournaments

and high school
field hockey playoffs?

Oh, I think North Bellmore
can take state.

With Sophie's ankle?
Doubtful.

Okay, but if you two
are so unhappy,

why don't you just move
back to Manhattan?

Because the suburbs are
better for the baby.

Who says? Who says any place
is better for the baby

if you two are unhappy in it?

No, no,
we live here now.

And, you know,
this place

wouldn't seem
so bad if...

we got one of our friends
to move out here.

Oh, guys...

Oh...

I would rather set myself
on fire.

NARRATOR: The next morning,
Barney learned that even in

a city of eight million people,
there's no escaping Karma.

(light music playing)

(sighs)

Oh.

Oh, hey.

Sorry, can't talk;
manager's watching.

Look, I am sorry

if I hurt your feelings;
it's a job.

Yeah, well, at my job,

we don't rip out
people's hearts for money.

My company briefly backed
a lab in North Korea

which did, but we sold it!

You know, I've worked
at that club for a year.

You practically live there,

and you didn't even recognize me
the night we went out.

You can't pretend to be some
hurt little victim with me.

I know you.

Well, of course you do.

I told you things
I don't tell anybody.

I was honest with you.

Yeah, because I believe you have
a gay black brother,

a friend lonely enough
to smoke his own meat

and that your mom was a groupie
for Supertramp.

They named
their band for her!

You remembered all that?

Well, yeah.
I mean,

you're more interesting
than the lyrics

to "Pour Some Sugar On Me"
for the 8,000th time.

You know, it's funny.

Almost every woman
I've ever met was wrong

to give me a chance.

You're the first woman
who's wrong not to.

Large black coffee...

and whatever he's having.

It's on me.

The same.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

1,700 more of these
and we're even.

Uh, the song just ended.

That mean you got
to get going?

No.

Do you have time
to sit with me?

I don't know.
You're wearing my watch.

Pottery.
Now you're making pottery.

I needed a new vase...

and some plates.

And bowls.

The china cabinet I built had
some design flaws.

Why don't you just turn
this into a guest room?

A guest room?

(chuckles) You mean
a room ready and waiting

for someone who isn't there?

A room devoted to reminding me
that I'm still alone?

Yeah, I don't need that.

Ted, no matter how many things
you put in this room...

I'll still be here.

(knocking)

Hey.

Hey!

Come on in.

Thanks.

Oh, um, thanks for packing up
the rest of my stuff.

No problem. Uh, you
want some coffee?

Uh, sure. Yeah?
Yeah.

So, how are things?

Good! You?
Great!

You know, I actually
made this mug.

Oh, yeah? Oh!
Yeah. Oh!

Yeah, sorry, coffee's
a little strong.

How was your stay
with Marshall and Lily?

Uh... a little weird.

They're not loving Long Island.

Oh.

I think deep down, they realize

it just... isn't a good fit.

It's hard to admit that
sometimes.

Sure is.

But I guess it's better
to face it and move on

than try to force something that
just isn't meant to be, right?

I think so.

Yeah.

So, what do you think

you're gonna do
with my old room?

Haven't really thought about it.

Oh!

Who needs Manhattan?

Yeah.

(phone buzzes)

Hmm, it's Ted.
He wants to know

if we want to hang
out in the city.

The next train leaves
in nine minutes.

(door closes)

TED: Dear Lily and Marshall,
I don't know if you know this,

but I never took
your names off the lease.

Well, today
I took my name off it.

The apartment is now yours.

And I think I finally figured
out the best thing

to do with Robin's old room.

(soft gasp)

See, for me, this place has
begun to feel a little haunted.

At first, I thought
it was haunted by Robin,

but now I think
it was haunted by me.

Well, no ghost is at peace
until it finally moves on.

I need a change.

And I think you do, too.

This apartment needs
some new life.

So, please, make our old home
your new home.

It is now ghost-free.

Love, Ted.