How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 16 - The Drunk Train - full transcript

Sorry this is
taking so long.

He kicked for everybody else.

It's hard for the little guy
to perform under pressure.

Top ten things Marshall
said on his wedding night.

Whoa! It was small, but
I think I felt something.

Top ten things Lily said
on her wedding night.

Stop laughing
at it, Lily.

Top ten things Marshall said
on his wedding night!

Can we please talk
about something

other than my wedding night?

Absolutely. Let's talk
about last night.

It was a night
like any other.

I was just about
to get laid...

Hey, Barney,
I need your help.

This hottie I'm talking to
is meeting her friend

at a club,
so I need a wingman.

Well, just so you know, I'd be
giving up a sure thing here.

Hey!

Are you not a sure thing?

Yeah, I am.

This "friend" of yours
better be even hotter

and dumber than this one.

Wow! You have Enormous
Penis Syndrome?

I've never heard of that.
Yeah.

That's the problem with E.P.S.:
lack of awareness.

That's why I'm
organizing a 10K fun-run.

Of course, many of us
will need wheelbarrows.

You are so brave.

And you are so understanding.

Most people
just stare at me

like I'm some kind of freak
in reinforced underwear.

Poor, baby.

I can't imagine
what you're going through

because I never wear underwear.

Jackpot!

You want to get out of here?

Oh, I don't know. This is all
moving kind of fast. Okay.

Oh, but before we go,

I should mention my condition.

It's called: I'm Not
a Gullible Dumbass Disorder.

As the former Surgeon General,
I've got to say,

I don't think
that's the real thing.

Okay, just stop.

You have no chance with me.

We're just here as backups
for our friends.

Hey, how did you two meet,
anyway?

No, we're not doing
that first date dance

where you pretend everything
I say is fascinating,

thinking it'll somehow
get you into my pants.

What? Guys don't do that!

Goat cheese?
Fascinating!

What else
are you allergic to, huh?

You owe me three hours
for last night, Mosby.

I'm thinking,

laser tag tournament
in Newark this weekend.

Ted can pass for
under 18, right?

It's a father-son thing.

Marshall, we should
get going. Any later,

and we'll be riding the Drunk Train.
Oh.

The Drunk Train?

It's the last train
of the night

back to Long Island.
It's a mess.

Just a bunch of drunk,

sloppy idiots, fresh off a
night of partying in the city,

just desperate to hook up
with anything that moves.

Yeah.
Bye.

See you.

New plan, Ted.

So this father-son thing.

You know, a backwards baseball
cap really youngs me down.

All aboard!

- For Valentine's weekend,
Lily and Marshall invited

Kevin and Robin on a couple's
getaway to Vermont.

Mmm.

16 years together,
and still so in love.

- Mm.
- What's your secret?

The key to relationships is
understanding the difference

between hearing
and listening.

It's about respecting
your partner's...

Opinions on...

Hey, shh, shh, shh.
Kind of on a roll here.

Relationships are
a give and take,

and that's why it's important
to never keep score.

Yeah, like how

Barney's holding
these three hours

over Ted's head.

If they were a couple,
they'd never work.

Obviously. Ted's a Taurus,
and Barney is such a Scorpio.

Good advice.
Don't keep score.

They're not even
close to finished.

How do we not keep
score, you ask?

Huh. Hm.

Sounds like somebody want
to hear some examples, sweetie.

Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna close my
eyes until it's all over.

Top ten things Lily said
on her wedding night.

Solid.

Here's one.

Every time Marshall's
mom comes to visit us,

we have to put out all
the tacky Minnesota gifts

she's bought us over the years.

Hi, Mom!
Hi, Mrs. Eriksen!

Marshall.

Uh-huh. I don't see

the gopher-hair tea cozy
I made you.

Guess it wasn't
good enough for Lily.

But I'd never hold
that over Marshall,

because if I did,
he'd owe me big-time.

Just like I would never
hold it over you

for dragging me to that
experimental theater piece.

Is it... is it
just screaming?

But we don't keep score.

Gotcha, loud and clear.
Don't keep score.

Because if we did, then
Marshall would owe me

for killing my
cousin's dog.

How did I know
that he would eat my wallet?

Why was your wallet filled
with chocolate?!

So we're back
to this argument!

That night, Barney
and I found ourselves

in a strange,
new universe called...

The Drunk Train.

Hey!

Where has this heavenly vehicle
been all my life?

Can you hear
its inspiring chant, Ted?

I think I can get laid,
I think I can get laid.

It's-it's The Little Engine
with Wood,

The Whore-ient Express.

The Long Island Tail Road!

Oh, I got one.

Thomas the Spank Engine!

Ted, that is a children's book.

Okay, as fun as this
place is, it's late.

So, what's our play?

And don't say, "The
Siamese Twins""

We're not stretching out
another one of my jackets.

No, dude, this is
the Drunk Train.

We don't need a play!

All we have to do is sit back,
play it cool,

scope out the hotties,
and by the end of the line,

we will totally be
sleeping with someone.

You know,
you are so great.

You sat there listening
to Marshall and Lily

bicker all night,
and you didn't complain once.

Well, I am a therapist,
so I do plan on billing them.

I also have a couple powerful
medications that might help.

Lily can't take anything;
she's pregnant.

I meant for us.

If we're getting through
five more meals

and a sleigh ride
with those guys,

we need to be spaced out
of our gourds.

Well, if we are keeping score,

I owe you one weekend, mister.

I was thinking
a little longer than that.

What do you mean?

Robin, will you marry me?

Look, I know this is fast.

I'm just excited
to start a life with you.

If that's what you want.

Wow.

Um...

I'm-I'm not saying no.

I'm-I'm not saying anything.

I just, um...
I-I need some time to think.

I totally understand.

Um, take as much time
as you need.

I'll just, uh... I'll just keep
this here until you're ready.

Any chance we could put
that bad boy away for now?

It's really just staring
at us, isn't it?

Ted! Ted! Ted!

I thought of some new
great names for the Drunk Train.

Slamtrak!

Uh-huh.

The Chatta-Nookie Choo-Choo!

Thomas the Spank Engine!
I said that one yesterday.

I don't think you did.

Wow. Someone's had some coffee.

Yeah. 18 cups!

There is no way
I'm falling asleep tonight!

That Quinn girl is so wrong.

She said I could never
love anything,

but I love this train!

She said you could never
love anything? That's intense.

Oh, you have no idea.

Stop staring.
Not gonna happen.

Is there any way we can start
over and get to know each other?

I already know you.
Oh, really?

- You wear a suit all the time.
- Obviously.

You have a stupid rule
about everything.

I pay for the meal,
you handle my deal.

That's just good manners.

But you end most nights
alone at a strip club,

feeling empty inside,
telling yourself

your life is somehow epic
or classic or... legendary.

I never say epic or classic.

Do you practice the dark arts?

No, they did not
forget the potato salad

in your takeout order!

Wh-What happened next?!

For the last time, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Your debt is paid.

You don't have to come
on the Drunk Train anymore.

You're never gonna meet
the one there, anyway.

- Oh, screw the one!
- What?

Every date I've been on lately
has been brutal.

Last week, I went out
with a girl

whose favorite band was Glee.

Plus, it's almost
Valentine's Day,

and I'm alone without
anything close to a girlfriend.

So... all aboard!

I have never been more proud
of you.

Come on.

Ted, tonight is gonna be epic--

wait for it-- dary! Wait.

No, that's not it.

How do I usually say it?
I hate this Quinn girl!

Well,

I propose we order
a bottle of wine.

- Propose!
- Not propose. Suggest.

I'm not married to the idea.
Lily, take it.

Why don't we get an appetizer?

How about the...
onion rings?

I mean, diamond rings.

I mean,
diamond circles.

I mean, onion circles.

I know they're fattening,

but I hear this place
has great onion circles.

So, Robin,
about not telling them?

The green salad
looks interesting.

You're so much better
without him.

If you ask me,
Vinnie's a real jerk.

Hey, don't you dare
badmouth Vinnie!

Ow!

So what do you do?

Well, I teach architecture,
and I also...

Oh, big man with a job.

You think yore better than me?

What...

So... where do you live?

I'm on the
Upper West Side.

Oh, big man.
Living in Manhattan.

What, you think you're
better than me?

Ehhh!

Ehhhh!

You think you're
better than me?!

Well, it's a close one.

Lily made 14 awkward
references to marriage,

and Marshall made an even 60.

I'm so sorry, Kevin.

It's okay. I'm gonna
go to bed, but

you guys think tomorrow we can
stop with all the marriage talk?

I do.
I do.

That's a half a point each.

See you in a minute.

Okay.

So?

Are you any closer to deciding?
Ooh...

Uh... well, there is something
you don't know.

Um...

Can you guys keep a secret?

Yeah.
Well, some of us can.

Well, there's something

I have been keeping
from everyone

for the last couple of months.

Um...

I found out that
I can't have children.

- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.

Are you okay?

I can't believe
that we didn't know.

No, you know,
I've had some...

time to deal with this
by myself, and...

I'm okay.

For real.

Are you sure?

Yeah. So...

even though I love Kevin

and I... think
I want to say yes,

I can't until I tell him.

But I'm scared

it'll end our relationship.

You
know what, Robin?

If it's meant to be,
then it won't matter.

Yeah, you just
have to tell him.

Thank God we had the keys
to Marshall and Lily's place.

Pretty sure I told you that before
you kicked in that side window.

You mean, before the "burglars"
kicked in that side window

and stole all
of Lily's underwear.

What the hell happened
on that train?

It was absolute chaos.

Ted, when I was at M.I.T.,
my favorite Einstein quote was:

"God doesn't play dice
with the universe."

You didn't go to M.I.T.

I didn't?

Huh. I actually have no idea
where you went to college.

Who are you?

If we analyze the seemingly
random patterns of the train,

taking into account
standard deviation,

and assuming that
epsilon approaches zero

as angle delta approaches pi,

we can conclude...

Damn it, Ted!

I was about to drop some
sweet word play about logarithms

and getting into a rhythm
with my log.

I'll remember it.

The next morning, Robin
mustered up all her courage

and finally told Kevin
her secret.

I know that this is a
lot to process, so...

you take all the
time you need.

And I understand...
Robin...

will you marry me?

Yes.

What are you doing?

The top speed of the Drunk Train
is 73 miles per hour,

and you factor in an aggregate
of 32 boobs per car,

28 of which are motorboatable,

and you divide that...
No, no, no!

This is all wrong!

It should be so simple!

I mean, it's the Drunk Train!

My God...
it's been

right in front of us
the whole time.

"Get drunk""

Yeah.

Of course.

Good circling, Ted.

This ain't my first
word search.

So my Mom's already
picked a date, venue

and caterer for
the wedding.

But nothing's
set in stone.

My great-aunt's gonna sing.

That's happening.

Are you really okay with this?

Yeah, she's actually got
a decent voice.

No, are you... are you okay

with everything
that we talked about?

Of course, Robin, I love you.

Besides, there are other ways
to have kids.

There's adoption, surrogacy...

No, Kevin, it's not just
that I can't have kids,

I don't want kids.

Oh.

Okay.

Knowing that, do you want
to take your proposal back?

Will you marry me?

Oh, you take such good care
of me.

Thanks for loaning me your shoes

for my swollen feet. Ah!

I owe you one.

We have to stop this.

Stop what?

Keeping score.

You're growing a baby,
our baby.

So you're officially ahead
of me for life.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Once we're parents,
we have to be a team. Deal?

It's your turn!

I was on point for six straight
hours yesterday!

Two of those hours
were a nap and you know it!

Let's go to the board!

I hope
it's a soupy deuce, sucka.

Deal. We're a team.

I was all, "Do I look like
I'm from Ronkonkoma?!"

Oh...!

That's all you gotta say!

Oh, oh, oh, big man
with a briefcase!

What do you think,
you're better than me?!

Hey, our stop's next.

Do you want to join us?

Yeah, I think we do.
Nah, we're good.

Too skanky.

Too skanky?
Eh...

It's the Drunk Train.

You crossed out
all the stops

and wrote "Vaginaville."

That's not true.

That one says "Boner Gardens."

What's going on?

Wait. Did that Quinn girl shake
your game or something?

Hell no!

At the end of the night...

You know,
I went out tonight

looking for a cheap,
meaningless fling.

But you turned out
to be so special.

I'd hate to ruin this
friendship with sex.

Oh, oh, I am willing
to take that risk.

Good one, Ted.

Anyway, I'm seriously
contemplating purchasing

a new ironing board.

Do you think...?

Okay, I'll give you this: You
stood by your boy all night,

even though you have no chance
of getting with me.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah, you know, in retrospect,
I think that was the moment

you decided to come back
to my place and get nasty.

Yeah, right.

Get up. You're on my bra.

Sorry.

Where's your bathroom?

Past the kitchen, down the hall.

See, I feel like
I would remember

you two being naked on your
couch in the middle of the club.

Oh, right. That was later in my
apartment after we got nasty.

My bad.

So, you want to go
to a diner or something?

Wait-wait-wait.
You slept with her?

I know, I know.

I'm late on sending
the pictures.

I've been swamped.

You like Quinn.
I...

That's why you can't stop
"complaining" about her.

That's why you just tanked
our chance with these...

lovely innocent flowers.

I don't even care
where we go,

but I hate doing it
on the ground.

Barney, do you know why

I'm on the Drunk Train
on Valentine's Day?

Because I have nothing
better to do.

No one I can't stop
thinking about.

So if you feel something
for Quinn, go for it.

Because you're wasting
your time here.

We both are.

I don't like Quinn!

Kevin, I love you,

but please don't
just be the nice guy

who says the right thing.

Robin, I want to marry you
no matter what.

Assuming you don't turn
into a big fat fattie.

See? Right there.

Don't always say
the right thing.

Look, you just got a truckload

of new information
dumped on you.

Will you marry me?

My feelings on kids
aren't gonna change.

Will you marry me?

Haven't you always wanted kids?

That was before I fell in love
with you.

Well, that's the thing.

Your future always
had kids in it.

That is something huge you
would be giving up for me.

I just don't think I could
ever owe someone that much.

I'm scared that you'll...
wake up in-in a year

or ten or 50, full of regret.

So... I need you
to be sure, okay?

If we get married,
you will never have children.

Are you really okay with that?

Enormous Penis Syndrome?

E.P.S.

It's all about awareness.

That's why we're doing
the fun run, the silent auction,

the three-legged race.

Of course, that's just one guy.

You know what?

I can't do this.

You can let me
out up here.

Why? You got a girlfriend
or something?

Maybe something.

Kids, sometimes you realize

the journey you've been taking
has reached its final stop.

Where do you go next?

Hey.

Are you okay?

♪ A year from now,
we'll all be gone ♪

♪ All our friends
will move away ♪

♪ And they're going
to better places ♪

♪ But our friends
will be gone away... ♪

So... he un-proposed.

♪ Nothing is as it has been...

We're over.

And I-I... I-I know
it's for the best.

It's just...

I was finally ready
for something serious.

He seemed like the guy
to take that next step with.

But he couldn't look past this.

I mean, who could?

I could.

I love you, Robin.

You've been complaining
about this Barney guy so much,

I'm starting to think
that you like him.

Like his apartment-- check.

Like his moves downtown--
check plus.

But like him? Ugh. Please.

I'm just surprised
he doesn't recognize you.

He practically lives here.

Gentlemen, give it up for Karma.