How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 15 - The Burning Beekeeper - full transcript

- Dad, we need to talk.
- Is it about the bees?

Bees?
We're throwing

a housewarming party
in two weeks.

Oh.

It's gonna be friends,
neighbors...

Did he say...
did he say "bees"?

Yeah. Marshall's been working
very long hours lately,

so I have been planning
this whole party by myself,

and everything's in place:
the food, the wine.

I even found a rare
Gouda on the Internet.

Oh.

Getting back
to these bees...

Bottom line: this party
is very important to me,

so I can only assume--
and I say this with love--

you're gonna ruin it.

Lily, I promise I won't ruin
your party.

I'll be charming and convivial.

A regular Burt Reynolds.

You have absolutely nothing
to worry about.

Tell us about the bees!

Well, all right,
since you asked.

I'm starting up a business

cultivating all-organic,
artisanal honey.

That's right,
I'm a job creator.

Oh.
So this party...

Oh, Lily, wait.
Um, if you don't mind,

I just,
I have one follow-up.

Where are you doing
this exactly?

Downstairs-- there's 10,000 bees
in the basement.

Why would you even say
that?! It's the most ridic...

Happy housewarming!

Hey, guys.

Robin here has spent

all day learning
how to make kugel.

Couldn't figure it out--
this is from Zabar's.

Can we heat it up
in your oven?

Faster than heating it up
in the refrigerator.

I've had a few cocktails.

I got it.
Take that.

Kids, someday
you're gonna throw a party,

and you might find yourself
worrying

if something's gonna go wrong.

Well, don't.

What you should worry about
is everything going wrong.

And what's really scary
is how quickly that can happen.

At Lily and Marshall's
housewarming party

for instance,
it only took five minutes.

Now, a lot happened
in those five minutes.

You know what? I'm gonna take
this room by room.

We'll start in the living room.

Oh, no,
that's not what you want.

- What?
- Oh, nothing. So, you think

this is going pretty well?

Baby, are you kidding?

You single-handedly pulled off
the party of the year.

Oh, stop it.
I used both hands.

So, what can I do to help?

Honey, this is your first night
off in however long.

You just relax and keep knocking
back those cocktails.

Mr. Cootes.

Hey, isn't it nice
to finally have a night off?

It is.
But tonight is not that night.

We're going back to the office
in 45 minutes.

But, sir, this is
our housewarming party.

You know,
Mother Earth is also having

a "housewarming" party, too,

only hers ends with humankind
at the bottom of a rising ocean,

passing through the digestive
tract of a stingray.

By the way,
it's a lovely home.

Mr. Cootes,
I know you're a vegan, so I, uh,

I got some vegan spring rolls
for you over there.

Oh, nummies!

You're going
back to work?

Sheez, Marshall,
you are as busy as a...

Oh, gosh,
what are you as busy as?

Please don't talk about
the bees.

I was gonna say Nicolas Cage.

That guy is in everything.

Let's just put on some music.

♪

I'll, uh, I'll bring out
the Gouda,

we'll open a couple bottles
of wine...

that are in the basement.

All right, I'll get
my beekeeper's suit.

You should be happy
about the bees.

They're keeping
the mice at bay.

We have mice?

Not with all these bees

flying around, we don't.

You're welcome.

Ted, baby Gouda's
coming out. Look alive.

Are you a vegan?

What?

Ooh-ee!

Kitchen, now.

I can't believe that he's
making us go to work tonight.

Are... you... a... vegan?

Um, no.

Uh-huh.
And when you were shoveling

the spring rolls down your
gullet, did you happen to notice

a little sign next
to the plate marked "Vegan"?

I think there's
been some mistake.

You could have had anything
on that table!

Anything at all!

Mini pizzas,
bacon-wrapped figs,

pigs in blankets.

There was even talk
of an inbound Gouda!

But no, no, you had to have
the one thing

that someone with my dietary
preferences can eat.

Look, I didn't eat
the spring rolls.

Liar!

Your breath reeks of shredded
carrots and deceit!

Okay, okay, maybe I did eat
your precious spring rolls.

Oh...

What are you gonna do
about it, hippie?

It's fine.
Everything's fine.

Young man,

are you suggesting
fisticuffs...

as in with our fists?

And feet--
I'm a kicker.

Well, well, looks like
I just started eating

white meat again.

I will bite and scratch
you like a wolverine.

May I warn you,

I have been in
a fight before.

So have I... sort of.

Oh, God.

Mr. Cootes. Hi.

Did you see that we had
hummus and veggies?

There's hummus and veggies?

Over there.

Hey, I'm not gonna let that guy
push me around.

I believe it was Sun Tzu
who wrote, "Never give up.

Never surrender."

Shut up, Ted.
Okay.

For God's sake, Lily,
you're pregnant.

For God's sake, Ted,
Lily's pregnant.

Oh, man.

Sorry about that.

I don't need
this right now, Ted.

I shouldn't do this.

- I shouldn't do this.
- What?

This is a bad idea.
This is a bad idea!

- What is?
- I should just go. I should just go!

Okay, okay, just tell me
what is going on.

I love my penis, Robin.

Oh, Barney, you promised.

I do! I love it!

If I could kiss it, I would.

I'd be lying if I told you
I hadn't tried.

I'm not comfortable
with this conversation.

Oh, come on, Robin, it's my
penis we're talking about.

- You've seen her-- she's magnificent.
- She?

Every penis is a girl, Robin.
Everyone knows that.

Like... ships and lake monsters.

And Gouda!

She's a beauta.

Oh, Gouda.

Well, I'll be back.

Most of me, anyway.

- Don't eat that.
- What?

Whoops! Oh, it's ruined.

It's not ruined.
Ten second rule.

Eight, nine, ten,
and it's ruined.

This whole party's
ruined.

I got a basement
full of bees,

and Ted almost got into a fight
with Mr. Cootes.

Lily, look around.

Everyone's having
an amazing time.

It's a great party.

Okay, maybe it's not
a total disaster.

What the hell was that?!

So that's what happened
in the living room.

Now I'm gonna tell you what
happened in the dining room.

Oh, no, that's not
what you want.

Man, I can't believe
these are vegan.

I've had, like, 20 of 'em.

I should get the name
of this caterer.

It's my kitten's
Bat Mitzvah next week.

She's finally
becoming a cat.

Oh, God, you are crazy.

About cats.

Cats are so honest and real
with their affections.

Ever since my divorce,

it's just been one liar
after another.

That's why it's so refreshing
to meet someone honest like you,

Special Agent Gary Powers.

Listen...

I think we can agree
there's something here.

Something big...

that looks
and probably feels real.

Maybe...

we can go back
to your place.

I can't ask you to delay
intercepting those asteroids.

I do need to intercept
those asteroids.

I think we need
to have sex right now.

Meet me in the upstairs guest
bedroom in two minutes.

I'm just looking
for the vegan spring rolls.

Last one, sorry.

Two minutes.

How can they all be gone?
The party just started.

I know, right?

Let's just put on
some music.

♪

I'll, uh, I'll bring out
the Gouda,

we'll open a couple of bottles
of wine...

that are in the basement.

Some jerk was just here.

And he was all, like,

"I can't believe
these are vegan.

I've had, like, 20 of 'em."

Point me into the direction
of this scoundrel.

Um... it was
that guy.

Ted, baby Gouda's
coming out. Look alive.

Lily, these spring rolls...
ooh-ee!

Kitchen, now.

I can't believe that he's
making us go to work tonight.

I mean, I think it's time
that somebody took him aside

and told him this is not
how you treat your staff.

Well, I'm sort of busy
with the party right now.

Fine. I'll do it myself.
But he's gonna scream at me,

and you know that I can't
stand up to screaming.

Just go talk to him!
I think I should go talk to him.

Barney...
Ah, Lily,

Ted ate all of the spring rolls.

You could have had
anything on that table!

Mini pizzas,
bacon-wrapped figs,

pigs in blankets.

There was even talk
of an inbound Gouda!

Robin. Okay, listen,
I need your help.

I'm about to get in
a screaming match with my boss,

and I'm not good at getting
screamed at,

so I need you to warm me up.

How?
I want you to scream at me.

You know, like you do
to strangers on the street

at the slightest provocation.

I don't do that.

Come on, lay some of that
classic Scherbatsky

mean son of a bitch on me.

Treat me like I'm a Girl Scout
trying to sell you cookies.

Four dollars a box
and you're out of Thin Mints?!

You green little...!
I don't do that!

Come on, scream at me.

Like that.

It's fine.
Everything's fine.

Marshall, there is plenty
of stuff

that I don't get mad about,

like the fact that you're
serving pigs in blankets

without hot mustard.

I'm not the type of person
to be driven crazy by a host

who refuses to provide
delicious hot mustard

in which to dip
my pigs in blankets!

I'm the type of girl who...
keeps her cool.

Who keeps her cool.

Wait. Whoa, baby,
are you okay?

Of course.
This party is great.

I am handling this.
Oh, God.

No...

Hummus and veggies?

I'm looking for
hummus and veggies.

Robin, can I talk to you about
something very dear to me?

Promise me this isn't
about your penis.

I promise it isn't
about my penis.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, sir, could I talk
to you in the kitchen?

Sorry about that.

I don't need this
right now, Ted.

I swear, if there's
one more crisis...

Well, the bees
escaped their enclosure,

but no reason
to "bee" concerned.

No, there is,
we're in big trouble.

What is that smell?

Oh, I doused my suit
with kerosene.

All beekeepers do this.

Dad, just take off
the suit right now.

All right, fine.

Every 30 seconds,

there's another crisis
that needs to be dealt with

and I have
to deal with it.

This is... Oh, God.

This is parenthood, isn't it?

So they say.

Okay, it's official.

I thought I could do it,
but I can't.

No, Marshall's always at work.

He's got to go back tonight.

And I don't know
if I can handle a life

that's just one crisis
after another.

Lily, listen to me. I'm gonna
give you a little piece of...

Gouda!

God.

Crisis?
Crisis.

- Don't eat that. Whoops!
- What?

Gouda's out, Ted.
Don't sleep on the Gouda.

Wouldn't dream of it.

So Lily told me you have to go
back to work tonight?

No, I don't have to go
back to work tonight.

Mr. Cootes and I
came to an understanding.

But, hey, what's going on
with Robin?

I called her
a mean son of a bitch

and she took it all weird.

- She did?
- Yeah.

Crazy, right?

Hey, buddy.

Best housewarming
party ever.

Everybody's abuzz.

Abuzz.

Oh, good one, Mickey.

But, hey, you're right.

Great party.

What the hell
was that?!

And that's what happened
in the dining room.

Now I'm gonna tell you
what happened in the kitchen.

Oh, no, that's not
what you want.

Man, I can't believe
these are vegan.

Back to our fight?

Back to our fight.

I cannot believe you screamed
at that woman at Zabar's.

She was trying to cut in line.

She was gonna get
the last kugel.

She was 90 years old.

It was probably gonna be
her last kugel.

Sometimes in life,
you have to be assertive

and stand up for yourself.

You called her a whore.

Who wears that much makeup?!

Old ladies!

Who take money for sex. Exactly.

Look, I'm sorry.

If I would've left things
in your dainty, lily-white,

never-ripped-
an-old-lady's-wig-off hands,

we would be kugel-free
right now.

Oh, so, what, I'm too nice?

You never stand up for yourself.

Remember that sixth grader
who kept stealing your lunch?

High school was
a tough time for me, okay?

And that girl was muscular.

Forearms like Popeye.

How do you even know about that?

Marshall told me.
He also said that

you had your mom stop making

peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches

because of that girl's
nut allergy.

I didn't want to add
to her health problems.

She was already in a wheelchair.

Okay, so what?

I would rather be nice
than be like you,

always getting in fights
about stuff

that's not even worth
fighting about.

Disagree.

It's like Sun Tzu wrote
in The Art of War,

"Never give up.
Never surrender."

That was Tim Allen
in Galaxy Quest.

Whatever, dude.

Your problem is any time
you're faced with

the least bit of confrontation,
you run away.

Oh, I run away
from confrontation?

Ted, baby Gouda's
coming out.

Look alive.

Whoops.
Son of a...!

I'm sorry.

Maybe that was my fault.

You think?

You're right in my snack track.

Hey, nice
beekeeper suit.

Do you know that, uh,
most bees are left-handed?

Did you know bees hate
the smell of kerosene?

I knew that.
Geez, what do you think,

this is my first day
as a beekeeper?

Nice. Oh.

Is that true about
bees and kerosene?

I don't know.

Barney...

Ah, Lily,

Ted ate all of the spring rolls.

Barney, that woman
you were talking to,

our neighbor Geraldine,

some guy
slept with her

and didn't call her,
so she hunted him down

and cut off a certain part of
his anatomy with a cheese knife.

So, whatever you do,

don't sleep with her.

It's funny, she is,
um, waiting for me

in the guest bedroom right now.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

That was the idea,
but now forget it!

Barney, this is a disaster.

I swear, if there
is one...

It's fine. Everything's fine.

Hey, ten second
rule, right?

It's fine.
Everything's fine.

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

I know you're pregnant, but
you need a glass of wine.

I got that cheese off
the Internet.

I know you got it
off the Internet.

Why does that
make it impressive?

You know what else you can find
on the Internet?

Zoo animals masturbating.

There's one of a walrus.

He's...

Oh.

No...

Excuse me, sir, could I talk
to you in the kitchen?

Mr. Cootes, I am not
going back to work tonight.

Oh, no, she didn't
just say that.

Mickey, could we just
have a minute?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Marshall, look, I know
when you started with this firm,

it was all fun and games.

The office chair races
were particularly spirited.

Until, of course,
Gail went down the stairs.

But for one brief moment,

boy, did she fly.

I'm not here, I'm not here.

Mr. Cootes, you're working
yourself to death.

Just cut loose a little.

Have a beer, find a hobby.

Look, son, it's very simple.

Um, Mother Earth
doesn't get a night off.

Neither do you.

Well, then I quit.

And I don't know
if I can handle a life

that's just one crisis
after another.

Lily, listen to me. I'm gonna
give you a little piece of...

Gouda!

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I do
need a hobby.

Well, hey,
how about beekeeping?

Me? No. I-I don't know the
first thing about bees.

You want to know a secret?

Neither do I.

It's not a secret.

Let me try this thing on.

I'm gonna give you
some privacy.

All right, thank you.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.

Best housewarming
party ever.

Everybody's abuzz.

Okay, maybe it's not
a total disaster.

Great party.

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh, Mr. Cootes!

Mr. Cootes, are you okay?!

That was amazing!

Did you see me?!

I flew through the air
like a human fireball

and didn't get a scratch.

Eat your heart out, Gail!

God, I feel so alive!

I want to drink a beer.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, one beer, coming right up.

Oh, and, uh, Marshall,

I think we'll take
the night off tonight, okay?

Sounds good, yeah.

But I'll see you Monday?

Of course.

Yeah.

You know, Robin, I've
been thinking about it.

Guess it's kind of nice
you're such a badass.

It's pretty badass
you're so nice, Ted.

Was I supposed to close
the basement door?

God, this feels
so right!

We're so great together.

I want to spend every minute
of every day with you.

I never let you out of
my sight for one second.

Not one second, not
one second. I don't!

Oh, God!

My last lover was not like this.

He was the worst!

Do you know, he didn't even
come to my cat's bris.

I mean, what?

Well, we showed him.

Yes, we did.

Let's just say, the
punishment fit the crime.

I can't wait to
tell everybody

that we're boyfriend and girlfriend!

Let's do it tonight.

No, it's Lily and
Marshall's party.

We'll wait.

We can do it at Mittens
and Mr. Pepper's wedding.

Or maybe something...