How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 8 - Woooo! - full transcript

Kids, in the fall of 2008,

your aunt Robin was unemployed
and a little bit adrift,

so she valued her friendship
with Lily more than ever.

Hey, so I hear Marshall
has to work late on Friday.

You know what that means...
ladies' night.

Actually, one of the teachers
at my school, Jillian,

is having a birthday party.

What?

It's just

I've never even heard of this
Jillian person before and suddenly

she's, like, your best friend.
You can't shut up about her.

Don't be jealous.
You and I hang out all the time.

Yeah, but Marshall's always there.

We don't get a lot of quality time
to talk, just the two of us.

That's not true.

So that's when the story
gets really good.

So, we go to the...

place.
And then that...

guy asks about that thing
with the stuff

that I told you about
at that place that time.

Long story short...

events transpired.

Oh, my God.

You and the guy from the mayor's office
did it in the UN building

under the desk of the
ambassador from Zaire?

Nice.

I just wish we could have
some girl time.

I love Marshall,
but he's always talk-blocking me.

So come out with
me and Jillian then.

Okay, but I don't want to stay out
too late because...

Remember that...

thing last month after
I went to the place?

Well, you know who said it's fine,
but she gave me some stuff.

You still got that yeast infection...?

Sync by vNaru

- I want you to enjoy this moment.
- What moment?

The last moment of you and I
being even slightly in competion

- for the title of Ted's best friend.
- Marshall's my best friend.

Exactly. It's a tie.

But all of that
is about to change.

Am I correct that
you are an architect?

My best friend would really know that,
but go on.

And what are you
currently designing?

Actually, we're renovating
the new York Public Library.

Ted, that's huge!

Not the New York Public Library.

It's the new public library in York,
North Dakota.

Their books are in two sections:
Fishin' and non-fishin'.

Then I think you are going to really
like what happened at work today.

And so, while those bribes
did destabilize the regime

and caused the death
of most of the royal family,

it did lead to looser
banking regulations in Rangoon.

So yay us.

Okay, last order of business.

It's been decided we're going
to move forward with plans

for Goliath National Bank's
new downtown headquarters.

- Who's gonna design it?
- Was my first question.

Who's gonna design it?

We've already approached
one firm about it.

This Swedish architecture collective
called Sven.

Sven was this Swedish
architecture collective

revered for their bold,
innovative designs.

I hated those guys.

I hate those guys.

- Swedish architecture collective.
- Lame.

- Pretentious.
- "We're not a company.

- We're a collective."
- I know.

"We are Swedish.

"We are so cool with our baguettes
and our Eiffel Tower."

Dude, Sweden's not France.
You know that, right?

Oh, it's France.

So anyway, I say to Bilson...

Bilson, with all due respect...

No, I stand up,
and I say to Bilson...

Bilson, with all due respect...

Music.

Imagine patriotic music playing.

With all due respect,

it would be terrible

if a job that could go to
a hard-working American

architecture firm,

went to a bunch of French guys.

Where is our patriotism?

Our sense of country?

- Our love of all that is...
- Look, Stinson,

no one hates every other country
in the world as much as I do,

but you better have a point.

I do.

I know a fantastic American architect
who would be perfect for the job.

So, all you gotta do is come in,
pitch your design,

I get the board to approve it,
and the job is yours.

Do you realize what a hero I would be
if I brought this project to my firm?

And that's not even the best part.

All three of us
are gonna be working together.

Ted can be on the conference call.

He can totally be
on the conference call.

- What's the conference call?
- The way it works is,

one of us will duck into
the other's office and say...

Marshall, the conference
call's about to start.

I'm sorry, guys, I gotta go.

And then we go up
to the roof of the building...

and drink beer.

This is awesome.
Drinking at work.

We're basically Mad Men.

We are!
We're such Mad Men!

I'm gonna go smack
a secretary on the ass.

That's totally what they would do
on that show.

What show?

And then, we throw crumpled up
beer cans at pigeons.

- I don't do that.
- I totally want to do that.

- Well, I am gonna make that happen.
- Seriously, Barney,

after everything I went through
with Stella,

getting me this opportunity...

It really means a lot.

It really did.

You see, kids, when I became
an architect, I had one dream...

to contribute a building
to the skyline of New York City.

I wanted to be able to point to one
of those buildings and say,

see that one?
That one right there?

That's mine.

This job was my opportunity
to do just that.

Your friend's having her birthday here?

What's she turning, 19?

Believe me, this isn't her scene.

She probably just didn't know
what kind of place this was.

Over here, you sexy bitch!
We've got bottle service!

Oh, my God.

At school, she's so quiet and normal.
I had no idea she's...

she's a Woo Girl.

What's a Woo Girl?
Let me explain.

A Woo Girl is a type of young woman,

who, like the cuckoo bird
or the whip-poor-will,

gets her name from the signature sound
she makes.

Now, a woo can be elicited
in many different ways.

From a certain song
coming on the jukebox...

Oh, my God,
this song is totally about me.

... to half-priced shots.

... from a ride on a mechanical bull...

... to, well, pretty much anything.

Oh, my God, I was worried
that I didn't feed the cat,

but then I rembered that I did.

I swear, at school
Jillian seems so un-woo-y.

Yeah, she doesn't look wooish.

Maybe she only observes
the high holidays,

like Mardi Gras and Spring Break.

Maybe she's just a cultural Woo.

Now... go easy on me.
It's a work in progress.

Ted, this is amazing.

The detail.
The shading. The...

playfulness of the lines.

This is exactly what Princess Leia
would look like topless.

My way of saying thanks.

So... you want to see my designs
for the building?

Nah, I'm good.

So get this.

Lily just texted me.
She's at that bar Giddyups

with a bunch of Woo Girls.

Oh, my God, you guys,

my boob just fell out
of my top at the bar.

Trick! I pulled it out for a free drink!

So, Jillian, I hear when you're

not flashing bartenders,
you teach the second grade.

What's that like?

So rewarding.

I don't know if you're familiar
with the RYE technique,

but it derives from the progressive
educational philosophy

of Rudolf Steiner, who founded
the Waldorf School, which...

Oh, my God.
I love this song!

Come on, you lazy skanks,
let's dance!

- You, too, you dumb whores.
- No, thank you...

ignorant hussy.

Why, Lily Aldrin, you sly minx.

I've been saying for years
that our gang need a Woo Girl,

and here you've been hiding
a whole batch of them from me.

We do not need a Woo Girl.
No one needs a Woo Girl.

Be careful, Lily.

The world absolutely needs Woo Girls.

If there were no Woo Girls,
there'd be no Girls Gone Wild,

no bachelorette parties,

no Las Vegas poolside bars...

All the things that you hold
dearest, Lily, would be gone.

- Those are none of the things...
- The souvenir shot glass industry

would collapse.

So would the body glitter industry and

the stretch Hummer rental industry.

Tiny cowboy hats
would be worn only

by tiny cowboys.

And when"Brown Eyed Girl"
would come up on the jukebox,

all you would hear...

would be silence.

And "Brown Eyed Girl."

But who would woo, Lily?

Who would woo?

Would you?

Would you...

woo?

Who wants to name my boobs?!

Now if you'll excuse me, I

have a date with Hannity and Colmes.

Over the next couple of weeks,
I do have into work.

It felt great to be working on something
that I really cared about.

Finally, the morning
of the presentation arrived.

And we believe this timeless design
will radiate the strength

and stability

that is Goliath National Bank.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I left there feeling pretty good
about my chances.

Later that night, we ran into Barney.

Give me the good news.

You didn't get it.

What?

The board

decided to go with Sven.

I can't believe I didn't get it.

I really thought I nailed the pitch.

Why would they go with Sven?

I did everything I could
to change their minds.

But they wouldn't budge.

I'm sorry.

This really sucks.

After the way these last
couple of months have gone...

I guess I need this more
than I thought I did.

You want to go down to the current
GNB building and just, like...

I don't know,

just pee on it a little bit?

Yeah, I think I need that.

Finish your beer.
File the tank.

What happen's?

Ted didn't get that job.

But that's not the biggest
disappointment of the day.

- What?
- We saw you woo.

- Saw who woo?
- Saw you woo.

- I didn't woo.
- You did, too.

- That's not true.
- Your nose just grew.

You're, like, best friends
with Jillian now?

It's just...

You're married, Lily,
but I'm still single.

Whenever I hang out with you,

I'm usually the third wheel
to you and Marshall.

Sometimes, it's fun to go out
with other single women

and do stuff that you don't want to.

Like what?

Like woo, Lily.

Like woo.

- I can woo.
- That's not true.

- I can, too.
- It's just not you.

I just want to say, I know
you guys went with Sven, but...

Ted Mosby is tremendously talented, and

I think he would have done
a hell of a job.

I agree.
That's why I voted for him.

So, then, it's agreed.
From now on,

all ATM fees are now called
Freedom Charges.

Conference call. Now.

You got something you want to tell me?

Damn it.

I told Heather to put everything back
on your desk the way it was.

Bilson told me he wanted
to give the job to Ted.

So what happened?

Okay, fine.

...will radiate the strength

and stability

that is Goliath National Bank.

Thank you, gentlemen.

So?

That was great. I love it.

Looks like we got our guy.

I don't think we even need
to meet with...

I am Sven Jorgensen.

With me are Sven Pilsen and
Sven Johanssen, and we are...

You are Goliath National Bank.

You are cutting edge.
You are new. You are fresh.

Women want to be with you,
men wish to harm you,

but the fool who dares challenge you
shall be crushed!

Your headquarters will tell
the world of these facts.

Oh, and one more thing...
don't look now!

Which of you is Barney Stinson,
head of the search committee?

Oh, my God. That's me!

You, Barney Stinson, are a man of power
and virility.

Your office shall be here,
in the head of a tyrannosaurus rex.

I never knew it till now,
but I've always dreamed of that.

On your large desk of Honduran rosewood
shall be this button.

- What does the button do?
- Press it! Press it for glory!

This is the most awesome building
in the universe.

There is no way this building
could be more awesome.

There is a strip club
in the letter "N."

What the hell is the matter
with you?! This is

Ted's big break!
And then you sold him out

because you wanted to work
in the brain of a Tyrannosaurus rex,

which, incidentally, if you knew
anything about dinosaurs, is really,

really small.

Marshall, this isn't
about my office.

Ted's building was good.
Sven's was better.

And I am not going to let the fact
that I am Ted's best friend

be a factor in business.

You didn't pick Sven's building
because it was better.

You picked it because you wanted
to work in a cool dinosaur office.

That's a lie!

I picked it because it...

It breathes fire, Marshall.

"Fire Marshall."

- I didn't even notice.
- How could you do this to Ted

after everything he's been through
with Stella?!

You're just being selfish.

Marshall, I would never

make a business decision
for selfish reasons.

I am a professional.

Now, come on.

Let's get a nice daytime drunk going,
and throw empties at pigeons.

No. For two reasons.
One,

pigeons are smarter than you think.

They hold grudges.
And, two...

this is our last conference call,
Mr. Stinson.

There are repercussions
to screwing over a friend.

- Like what?
- Like this.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Last night, we raised
$10,000 for my charity

to help combat childhood illiteracy.

It's a really serious issue.

Someone just earned herself
an ass-first ride

down the dance floor spank canyon!

Lily, what are you doing here?

Just doing the fun things
you single girls do.

What's with the plastic fireman's hat?

I didn't have a cowboy hat,

and today was fire safety day
at school, so...

Oh, my God, bitch.
This is our anthem.

Really? Who sings this?

Is LL Cool J still doing things?

This is great, Svens.

You guys are so much cooler
than Marshall.

He doesn't even own a unitard.

Who wants a brew?

I don't understand.
Where is the conference call?

This is the conference call.
Get it?

In America, when we work late,

we lie about a conference call,

and we come up here and we drink
a few beers. It's awesome.

This is a waste of time.
Push-ups!

Misty, you are such a slut.

Let's do another shot.

You're the slut, you skank.
Shots are on you.

No, bitch, shots are on you.
You're such a whore.

You're all a bunch of prostitutes.
You probably have STDs.

Let's go dance.

This isn't working.
You shouldn't be here.

I get it. Because I'm happily married,
I'm some kind of loser?

Exactly the opposite.

Why do you think the Woo Girls
have to woo

when they win a game of beer pong,

or when a hot guy takes his shirt off?

It's because that is as good
as life gets for them.

They're really sad people.

And, when they hang out with someone
who's got it all figured out...

someone like you...

it bums them out.

It takes away their woo.

You're just saying that so I don't feel
like an old married lady.

Look at those girls, Lily.

Look at them and listen to what
their woo's are really saying.

"I cry in the shower!"

"I've never been
on a seconde date!"

"What if I nerver
get to be a Mom?!"

"I'm secretly in
love with Jillian!"

"My career and love life
are heading nowhere!"

Those poor girls... and Ted.

I just want to go
give them all a hug.

Lily, right now I'm like them.

I'm unemployed, I'm single,
I'm a little lost.

So

every once in a while,
I need to woo,

but when I need to talk
about something real,

you're the one I turn to.

- You're my best friend.
- And you're mine.

And I promise I'll make more time
for just us.

Marshall doesn't have to tag along
to everything we do.

Hey, have you guys tried
these purple hooter test tube shots?

I've had five of 'em.

I don't even think
there's alcohol in here.

- Where'd you get that hat?
- What hat?

- We fired Sven.
- What?

Yeah, those guys were idiots.

I mean, sure,
they had some cool ideas...

some really cool ideas. Actually,
I wonder if it's not too late to...

The point is, you got the job.

Really?

The search committee realized
they made the wrong decision.

Plus, you really mean a lot to them
and they want you to be happy.

That's weird.

Look, Ted, your design was the best,

and you deserve it.

There's also something
that you should know

about why you didn't get
the job in the first place.

- You see, Ted...
- It was Bilson.

Bilson just wanted to have an office
in a dinosaur head,

but Barney convinced him

- that it was really, really stupid.
- Well, you know.

Thank you, Barney.

I can't believe this.

I just got our firm the biggest
account we've ever had.

"Now only my
love life's a disaster!"

Next round's on me.

Why'd you let me off the hook?

You did the right thing.
Seemed like you deserved a bye.

Plus, it would have really bummed
Ted out, and he's finally...

happy right now.

You really are Ted's best friend.

And so am I.
It's a tie.

Thanks, Marshall.

Marshall wound up caving
and telling me the truth about Barney,

like, ten minutes later,

at which point we tied Uncle Barney
to the mechanical bull,

cranked it up to a setting called
"Paint Mixer"

and went home.

- I love you, man.
- Love you, too, buddy.

Hey, you going to
ride the bull tonight?

Not if you paid me.
I have an inner ear thing.

It was a pretty great night.

Three hours.
That's a bull record.

That's right, ladies.

Jillian, you know what would be
really crazy, and funny,

and stupid to do tonight?

If you and me find a guy
and have a three-way.

Maybe.
If we found the right guy.

Yeah, and, if we don't
find the right guy

- Maybe you and I could just...
- You know who's really cute?

That guy Ted.
Let's go find him.