How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Naked Man - full transcript

When the gang learns that a bold, desperation date move got Robin into bed, Ted and Barney decide to try it out for themselves.

Kids, everyone has an opinion
on how long it takes

to recover from a breakup.

Half the length
of the relationship.

One week for every month
you were together.

Exactly 10,000 drinks.
However long that takes.

You can't measure something
like this in time.

There's a series of steps.

From her bed to the front door.
Bam! Out of there. Next!

But I think you start to recover
the moment you meet

that person who gets
you back in the game.

This is the story
of how I met that person.

Now, kids, if you want to go swimming,
you don't just dive in.

First, you dip
your toe in the water.

You check the temperature.
See how it feels.

I'm Ted.

Vicky.

And then you slowly wade in.

I got left at the altar
a month ago.

Or, you know, cannonball.

It was a complete disaster
and ever since then,

I haven't been able to even
look at another woman.

Except for the old lady on the subway
who break-dances for nickels.

I don't look at her that way.
I just look at her.

I mean, it's an old lady
break-dancing.

And she is good.

I'm going to give her
a dollar next time.

Hey, let's pretend
I just said this:

These elevator rides have been
the highlight of my week,

and I'd love to see you again
friday night.

Not in the elevator.

At a restaurant, a nice one.

What do you say?

Yes.

Sync by vNaru

Kids, I walked in
on a lot of crazy stuff

at the old apartment over the years.

Sorry, guys. I'm just going to go
with a bowl of fruit.

It's been 12 minutes!

- Drop it!
- You first!

Ike, why are you pointing
your gun at me?

- Don't use my name!
- Put the guns down, now!

But one of the craziest things
I ever walked in on

happened when I was roommates
with your Aunt Robin.

Who are you?!

Mitch.

What you doing, Mitch?

You must be the roommate.

I'm on a date with Robin.

She had to step outside
to take a call.

I guess her cell phone
doesn't work in here.

Robin... didn't use
the super secret signal.

We put this old takeout menu
on the doorknob.

Place went out of business.

Mr. Wang's...

Guess I don't have to explain
why that's funny.

I'm going to go.

When you leave,

take the seat cushion with you.
That's trash now.

I think that I am more than qualified
for the job.

My weaknesses?

I would say caring too much,

working too hard, and putting my career
in front of my love life.

Whoops, that last one was real.
What?!

Well, it appears our sweet, innocent,
little Robin has taken a lover.

A young blade
by the name of Mitch.

Her blind date?

Total bust. She's been sending me
text messages all night.

She just let him go upstairs
to use the bathroom a second ago.

Excuse me a minute.

Buddy, you are killing me. I'm kind of
in the middle of something here.

Middle of what?!

This is my move.

It's called, "The Naked Man."

"The Naked Man"?

Goes like this:

You're on a first date,

you've had a few drinks,

you make an excuse to go up
to the girl's apartment.

So, the bathroom's right there.

You know what,
I'm going to grab this.

Then, once she leaves the room,

you strip down naked and wait.

When she comes back,
she laughs.

She's so charmed by
your confidence and bravado,

she sleeps with you.

There is no way that works!

Two out of three times.

- Two out of three times?
- Two out of three times.

You just have to pick your spot.

The Naked Man is best used
as a last resort,

kind of a Hail Mary on a

first date when you know
there's not going to be a second one.

How do you know there's not going
to be a second date?

- Ted, look at me.
- I'd rather not, Mitch.

Robin is way out of my league.

I'm not smart,
funny or handsome.

And as you can plainly see,
there's nothing impressive

going on anywhere around here.

My only shot with a girl like Robin
is the element of surprise.

And, let's be honest,
a little pity.

It's shock and "aw."

This doesn't really work.

Two out of three times.

Guaranteed.

No way.

Two out of three times.
He guaranteed it.

Come on.

There is no way that's going
to work on Robin.

She's going to walk in there,
take one look at that idiot

and send him packing.

She might kick his ass first.

She might get her gun
and shoot him.

Go, go!

My God!

It worked.

Mr. Wang's is back in business?!

The Naked Man works!

This is going to revolutionize
the one-night stand!

This is like the forward pass
in football.

The slam dunk in basketball.

The haircutting technique
where they hold it

between their fingers
and cut right above it.

It's a total game changer!

Barney, this guy slept with Robin,

who you claim to be in love with.
How can you be excited about this?

The Naked Man
is bigger than me and Robin.

All these years,

I have been busting my hump,

with my secret identities
and my tricks and my gadgets.

I mean,

I'm like Batman.

But this Mitch fellow, he's Superman.

He just rips off his clothes
and he's good to go.

What kind of gadgets
are we talking about?

So, this is what it's going to be like,
us living together? I come home,

and guys you're dating are just going
to be sitting on the couch, naked.

Well, I wish I could say no.

I still cannot believe the Naked Man
worked on you.

What can I say? Okay,
I went in there, and he was naked.

It was funny.
I laughed, he laughed.

And then it just kind of happened.
I don't know.

I call "slut!"

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, Robin, but you
hooking up with this guy

makes it seem like
the only thing standing

between you and sex is clothes.

I didn't just sleep with Mitch
because he was naked.

Then why did you sleep with him?

Because...

he...

He...

Because I care about Mitch.

A lot.

There was a... connection

of specialness.

Of...

specialness and feelings.

It was because he was naked.

And I'm sorry, but I don't approve.

There is only one reason

to sleep with somebody,
and that is love.

Marshall's a big girl
because he believes in true love

and just finished reading The Notebook

because the secretaries bullied him
into joing Oprah's Book Club.

Fine! But you know I'm right.

Marshall, I love you, but there's lots
of reasons to have sex.

- Name one.
- I can name 50.

- You can't.
- Number one:

Last Thursday.

- Hey, Marshall, want to do it?
- I'm up.

You befouled our marital bed
because you couldn't get to sleep?!

You're the one who said,

"That shadow on the ceiling
looks like a scary toothless clown.

Good night, Lily."

Fine! That's one.

- But I defy you to name...
- I'm going to name 50.

There's "makeup" sex...

"breakup" sex...

and "your friend just told you
about a new-position" sex.

You're welcome.

There's also "revenge",

"rebound",

"paratrooping."

You know, when you go out of town

but instead of getting a hotel room,
you go straight to a bar

with the sole intention
of hooking up

with a girl so you have
a place to stay.

Oh, you mean
"banging for roof."

Slut!

I don't do it.
My college roommate did it.

No, Robin,
I just have a bad cough.

I don't really have
a bad cough.

We all know "college roommate"
means you, slut!

Does anyone have a lozenge?

I've got one.
"Nothing good on television" sex.

"Hotel room" sex.

"Curiosity,"

as in...

"I've always wondered what it's like
to have sex with a really tall girl."

Not a big girl,

just a tall girl.

Like...

if a normal girl

were seven,

seven-and-a-half-feet tall and

wore a denim miniskirt.

I would have to know
what that is like.

32 reasons later...

"He said he loved you,

but you're not ready to
say it back yet" sex.

Forty-three.

"Wingman diving on
the friend grenade."

Forty-four.

"The condoms are
about to expire."

Forty-five.

This is getting a little hard.

Forty-six!

Okay, four more to go.
Ooh!

"You dropped a Cheeto on his lap

"and when you reached for it,
he thought you were making a move,

"so you just went with it."

Thank you for ruing the memory
of our six-month anniversary.

You got me Cheetos.

Can we just stop
with this stupid list?

You guys are making me sad.

No, I'm having fun.

Man, this whole "one-partner"
thing sucks sometimes.

I'm always talking about you.

I can't play "I never" because

then everyone would know all the
weird stuff I let you do to me.

The only weird thing I ever did to you
was open up my heart and soul

when all I had to do was strip naked
while you were out of the room.

I didn't sleep with Mitch
because he was naked!

Mitch and I
have something special.

I mean, fingers crossed, guys.
He may be the one.

The one?!
Mitch?! The Naked Man?!

You mean the naked genius.

All these years I've been suiting up
when I should have been suiting down.

That's it. I am doing The Naked Man
tonight. Ted, so are you.

- What?
- With the elevator girl.

You're going out with her
tonight, right? Naked Man!

No. Barney, come on,
this is the first girl

I've had the courage
to ask out since Stella.

Naked Man!

No, Barney, this is the eighth
outfit I tried on tonight!

I got my hair cut three times!
I'm a nervous wreck!

Are you wearing makeup?

It's not makeup!

Iit's a sunscreen
with a subtle tint of...

It's made for men.

Sue me, I want my eyes to pop.

Naked Man!

No, Barney, I like Vicky.

This could actually
go somewhere.

I don't want to do anything
stupid to jeopardize it.

Well, I really like...

that girl,

but... Oh, I didn't see her
from the back.

I really like...

that girl.

And I'm willing to jeopardize
our future together

for one night of glory.

Naked Man!

So, that night, we all set out
to prove something.

Robin wanted to
defend her honor.

Mitch, hey baby, it's me.

Robin.

Do you want to grab
some dinner tonight?

Because you're
basically my boyfriend!

Lily needed to prove that
she could finish her list.

I'm stuck. I can't think
of the last two.

Reason number 48:

To reinforce good behaviors
such as shaving and dental hygiene.

Oh, now you're
conditioning me? Great!

That explains why I always get
an erection when I floss.

I had to prove that as scary
as it was to be dating again,

I was over Stella and ready
to get back out there.

And Barney needed to prove that he,
too, could pull off The Naked Man.

Hey, thank you for letting me
look at your aquarium.

- You're a real life saver.
- Sure, no problem.

I just need to use the bathroom
and I'll be on my way.

Ted, I'm doing it.

I'm doing the Naked Man!

Me, too!

You...

I'm doing it!
I'm doing The Naked Man!

That's great!

What made you change your mind?

The date with Vicky
started off okay, but,

it didn't go as well as I hoped.

Oh, my God!
Ted, you are so funny!

And can I just say,
you have amazing eyes.

What, these old things?

Oh! Nice job, hot shot.

- I'm sorry...
- Save it!

Go tell the manager
he owes us an appetizer.

One of the ones with shrimp!

You're welcome.
You were saying?

And then his cane
missed the top step,

and he was falling, for,
I swear, like two minutes.

God, I love old people.

Once I realized there was no
possible future in this relationship,

I just decided to go for it.

Awesome!
Okay, big question:

What pose will you display
your Naked Man in?

That is a big question.
I hadn't really thought about it.

I was thinking the Superman.

What about the Captain Morgan?

How about the
"Oops, I didn't see you there"?

The Thinker?

What about the Heisman?

Mr. Clean?

The Burt Reynolds.

It's so great to see you again.

I really had a
great time last night.

So, what is it like
managing a C.P.K.?

I mean, who's idea was it
to put a pineapple in the...

Okay, stop right there.
I know what this is.

I've been on this date before.
This is the "I'm not a slut" date.

What?
That's crazy.

Usually you read me so well,
but this time you're wrong.

Come on, Robin. One of us
had a good time last night,

and we both know it was me.

Oh, Mitchell...
Something,

that is, that is just not true!

Really?
How was the sex?

I didn't hate it.

Robin, you've seen my move.

That's it.

I have nothing else
to offer you.

I'm broke, I sweat when I eat,

and I'm in, like, five different
fantasy football leagues.

It's all I talk about.

Trust me, you don't want
to be around that.

What? Yes, I do!

Look, I didn't just sleep with you
because you were naked.

Yeah, you did.

And now you're trying to
pretend it was something more

to make yourself feel better.

Say what you will,

at least The Naked Man
is honest.

What about the old
"Coppertone Baby"?

The Olympic gymnast
who stuck the landing.

Hup!

I got to go.

Naked Man!

You have a really nice place!

Oh, thanks! Coming from you,
that's a real compliment.

I just love that you're an architect,
it's so fascinating.

I could listen to you talk about
structural design all night.

And then I noticed,
lying on her end table,

a book of love poems
by Pablo Neruda.

The same edition
I'd had since college.

And it was bookmarked
to my favorite poem.

Maybe I was all wrong
about this girl.

Maybe there was
a future for us.

Crap!

Here we go.

Pablo Neruda.

Oh, yeah,

that book's a turd.

Some douchey guy I hooked up with
left it here. It's all in Mexican.

You know who writes good poems?

Jewel.

Her teeth are crooked
and she lived in a car.

- So, she has stuff to write about.
- Ta-dah!

Okay.

The Naked Man works!

I just had decent sex with
an awful human being.

- I am back!
- Congratulations, buddy.

You're not the only one who
rocked The Naked Man tonight.

You just want to do it
to change the subject.

Yeah.

Hey, that's number 49!

Did it work?

It's like I just flossed.

I love you.

That's 50.

Oh, yeah...

Nice! What pose
did you go with?

I went with
"I've got boobs."

And she nailed it.

Oh, my God!
Guys, guys, guys!

This is him!

This is The Naked Man!

Ted, his name is Mitch.

And,

he's my boyfriend. So...

It's okay, Robin.
I no longer call "slut."

- Okay. You can go. We're done.
- Thanks.

Hold on, Mitch, Mitch,
I have to thank you.

We all tried
The Naked Man tonight.

We should see how Barney did.

- Hello?
- Hi, is Barney there?

No.

Oh, my God!
What's the matter with you?!

Get out!

I just have to grab my suit.
It's very expensive. The tie alone...

Get out of here right now!
Get out!

- You sick son of a bitch!
- Call me.

And if I see him again,
I'm calling the cops.

Two out of three times.

Mitch, I want you to know,
this night,

crazy as it was,

it got me out of my shell.

That's the beauty of
The Naked Man.

It gives you exactly what you need.
No more,

no less.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to replace one of
my fantasy football quarterbacks.

He separated his shoulder!

A toast...

to Mitch.

By the sum of his parts,
he is just a man.

But by what he does with those parts,
he becomes so much more.

He may not fit society's
definition of a hero,

but he is the hero I needed.

The hero who helped me
recover from the disaster

of my failed almost-marriage
and get back into the game.

He lives in the shadows.

Is he a dream?

Truth?
Fiction?

Damnation?
Salvation?

He is all these things and
none of them. For he is...

"The Naked Man."

Oh, my God!

Oh, thank God.