How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 7 - Not a Father's Day - full transcript

I am not impressed with
the talent in here tonight.

And the more I drink,
the less attractive they get.

I'm one scotch and soda away
from the Cantina scene in Star Wars.

What about those girls over there,
they're hot.

- They're not hot.
- Are you kidding?

I hated their guts the minute I saw
them, which mean they're hot.

In fact, I hated them almost as much
as I hated Robin when I first met her.

- You hated me?
- A lot.

Barney, they're hot.

Oh, there is so much to teach you all.

You have just become victims of...

The Cheerleader Effect.
Glad you asked.

The Cheerleader Effect is when
a group of women seems hot,

but only, as a group.

Just like with cheerleaders.

They seem hot,

but take each one of|them individually?

Sled dogs.

That's insane.

Take a good, hard look at each
one of those girls. Individually.

I don't know.

The one on the end is kind of cute.

Yeah, she really is.

And that, my friends, is
The Cheerleader Effect.

Also known as
the Bridesmaid Paradox,

Sorority Girl Syndrome,

and for a brief window
in the mid-'90s,

the Spice Girls Conspiracy.

Scary Spice indeed.

Barney Stinson.

Oh, hi.

Got it.

Great, we'll be in touch.

What?

Apparently I'm gonna be a dad.

Sync by vNaru

What do you mean you're gonna be
a dad? How did, how did this happen?

It was just some girl I hooked up with
a few weeks back.

She's not sure. She's gonna go
to the doctor in the morning.

Maybe it's a false alarm.
Maybe she's not pregnant.

Lily,

no part of Barney Stinson
does anything less than 110%.

If one of my little
Michael Phelpses got loose,

he's swimming for the gold.

This is a nightmare.

I don't want kids.

Who in their right mind
would ever want kids?

Now, when you turn 30
and you're in a couple,

a strange thing happens.

You start to see
babies everywhere.

Oh, come on.

Yes, Marshall and Lily were
coming down with baby fever.

And their new neighbors
weren't helping.

Did you lose a sock there,
little dude?

That is without a doubt

the cutest little thing
I've ever seen.

There's my little peanut.

That night they sat down to have
a serious practical discussion

about having kids.

So, if we have a baby,

do you think you could
work fewer hours?

Doesn't matter, he's gonna be so cute,
I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.

But what about money?
We're still in a ton of debt.

Oh, well, we'll count our overdue
bills on his teeny tiny fingers.

Let's have a baby.

Oh, oh, right now?
Oh, okay.

There was just
one thing in their way.

Scooch over.
I TiVo'd The View.

And that thing happened to be
unemployed and sleeping on their couch.

So, Robin,

how's the job and
apartment search going?

You didn't hear?

I'm the lead anchor on CNN.

And I got a penthouse overlooking
Central Park made of gold.

Get your head out of
your ass, Marshall.

They realized if they were
going to start a family

they had to plan ahead.

Would you mind crashing
at Ted's tomorrow night?

I'm, uh, cooking,
Marshall a special dinner.

Just dinner.
That's it. Nothing else.

Fine.

But you'd better not be
as uptight as these idiots

about me shooting beer cans
on the roof.

"It hurts my ears.

The neighbors called the cops.
You almost hit me."

Enjoy her, Ted. She's in a real
good place right now.

God? It's me.

Barney.

What up?

I know we don't talk much,

though a lot of girls call out
your name because of me.

Awesome.

But, God...

if you could get me,
out of this,

I swear

I will never

ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ev...

Oh, hang on, bro.

Go for Barney.

Really?

Marshall, great news!

I'm not a father!

Congratulations, buddy.

This is the happiest moment
of my life, Marshall.

The way I feel
about not having kids?

I never knew I could love
something this much.

That's why
I'm creating a holiday.

From now on, today will be known
as "Not a Father's Day."

You're creating a holiday?

Yeah, why not?
Everyone else gets a day:

Mothers, Fathers, Bastilles.

Why can't there be a day for people
who are single and like it that way?

Well, now you just sound like
the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.

- Hello, Stinson.
- Hey, Nolan. How are the kids?

You ready for tonight, Eriksen?
Big merger.

Well, that's between me
and my wife, sir.

No. The meeting with Mr. Li.
Tonight.

I thought that was
a breakfast meeting.

It is. Breakfast in China. We're
teleconferencing with the Chinese.

Count on you, kid.

Marshall?

Hey, babe.

- It's breakfast time in China.
- Yeah, it is.

Not a euphemism.
Look, I...

- Wait, what would that even mean?
- I don't know,

hot buns, spicy pork?
There's something there.

You're not coming home tonight,
are you?

Are you shaking your head "no?"

I thought so.

Oh, thank you, guys,
for coming over so fast.

Are you all right?
You sounded upset on the phone.

Marshall and I made
this big decision to have...

dinner.

And I thought
I was ready to have...

dinner.

But then he called
and canceled, and...

it got me thinking.
Is it too early for us to have...

dinner?

I had an early lunch,
so I'm ready for dinner.

- Dinner is a baby!
- Lily, that's horrible!

No, no, I...

I need you guys to figure
something out for me.

What?

Are Marshall and I ready
to have a baby?

So, are Marshall and I ready
to have a baby or not?

Lily, we can't make this decision
for you. It's huge.

You know what else is huge?
Marshall's head.

That thing's the size of a late
August watermelon.

Marshall's baby coming
through there?

What does Marshall think?

Probably lot in that 1950s space helmet
of a head he's walking around with.

Marshall's really excited.

But I think he only sees
what's cute about having a baby,

not what's hard about it.

Like the other day, while Marshall
was playing with baby Jeremy,

I was talking to Jeremy's mom.

Thanks so much for inviting us over.

I have not talked to another
adult in, like, weeks.

Well, besides my husband.

But "It's your turn to change him"
and "Make him shut up"

really doesn't
count as conversation.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I haven't
gotten laid in seven months.

Oh, I just did it again!

Sleep deprivation!

Oh, wait, I'm not crying, am I?

I usually am.

I don't mean to complain.
Oh, now I feel bad!

Oh, there's my little peanut!

Oh, I love you so much!

I'm going to be as
strung out as Charlotte.

Worse actually.

At least her husband
works from home.

I mean, he's a pot dealer,
but he's a very involved parent.

Marshall will be a great dad.

Marshall's always
at the office, and,

and I'm afraid that if
we have a baby now,

all the work will fall on me.

You're just panicking and
focusing on the downside.

I think Lily's just being realistic.

See, this is good. This is why
I called you guys both over here.

Ted, you're pro kids.
Robin, you're against.

Counselors, opening statements.

Okay, I know you're afraid
that you're not ready.

But no one ever thinks
they're ready.

You just have to take the leap.
Parenthood will come naturally.

Well, of course you think
it comes naturally.

You're basically a dad already.

You're a total dad.

What are you talking about?

Ted, think about it.

You tell super corny dad jokes.

Shredded tweet!

Oh, man!

Shredded tweet.

You lecture us. Like when we broke
your stupid ship in a bottle.

I'm not angry.
I'm just disappointed.

- She did it!
- Shut up!

And you do that thing
all dads do with waitresses.

Hi, I'm Lori.
I'll be your waitress this evening.

Hi, Lori, I'm Ted.
I'll be your customer this evening.

Hey, Lori,
before you go, tell me,

what do you get when you cross
a canary with a lawn mower?

No hints.
No hints.

She's right. Ted, you maybe
single and childless,

but you're totally a dorky dad.

I don't think I like
your tone, young lady.

Marshall,
Not a Father's Day is a hit!

Laraby and Finklestein are
helping me celebrate. Check it.

"World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs.

There's, uh... ha!
"Who's Not Your Daddy?" Tee-shirts.

Oh, check out the greeting cards.

"For everything you do for yourself,

For all the scotch upon your shelf,

Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway,
Here's wishing you

an all night three-way.
Happy Not a Father's Day."

Check out the illustration.

It appears to be
some sort of Asian hooker.

Yes.
Because on Not a Father's Day,

you get a Thai you'd actually wear.
Wordplay five!

She's really kicking
your ass here, Mosby.

Your only hope
is to go negative.

Okay.

I'll tell you why my opponent
is saying all this.

Three words,

- scared of babies.
- What?

- That is crazy. I am not.
- Oh, yeah?

Remember that time you met
my cousin and her kid?

She is so cute!

Oh, do you want to hold her?

Or the baby shower Lily threw
for her friend Erika?

Are you leing
that baby sniff you?

I don't want to get bitten.

And don't forget about...

- Talking baby commercial?
- Talking baby commercial.

But you're not like that, Lily.
You love kids and they love you.

Yes, I'm loveable,
pretty and wise, but is it enough?

Look, it all comes down
to one word, you.

Are you ready to put your own
dreams on the back burner?

Grad school,
teaching art at the college level?

Look, you need to focus
on Project Lily before

you can start Project Baby.

If you don't,
you'll always regret it.

And that wouldn't be fair to you
or the baby.

What's that?

It's Jeremy's sock.

I'm having a baby.

But what about all the things
I just said?

But, but sock.

But what about Marshall
working all the time?

But sock.

But Project Lily!

Little fishies on it.

We made all of these arguments,
and a sock

is what makes your
decision for you?

I guess that was the sock-out punch,
huh, Robin?

- Shut up, Dad.
- You shut up, baby hater.

Babies are scary, okay?
They have giant eyes.

And then, come on, the soft spot?

If there's gonna be
a self-destruct button,

at least hide it somewhere
it won't accidentally get pressed.

Where's Lily?

- Hey, did you drink any of this?
- Not a drop.

Me, neither.

Eriksen, meeting in five minutes.

And you'd better bring
your A-game for Mr. Li.

That guy haunts my nightmares.

Anyway, have fun out there, kid.

Put a baby in me, Marshall.

I'm ready.

Lily... Lily,
what are you doing here?

I'm ready, Marshall.
Tonight's the night.

Put your melon-headed spawn
in my belly.

- What?
- Yeah!

Come on, right now.
Baby me. I'm ready.

Hey, look.

The guys in the next building
are waving at me.

Hello, gentlemen!

We're going to make a baby!

I can't believe we lost her.

See, this is exactly why
I'm never having kids.

You can't let them out of your sight
for even a second.

I can't find my file.

I pulled out "A" through "G."

Ag! Aaaaggg.

They just sit there with
their stupid bottles.

They cry.

They spit up.

And that's why kids suck.

It is a good thing we broke up.

I forgot how totally psycho
you are on the kids thing.

I'm psycho?

Any time you even hear
the word "kids,"

you get two little lactation stains
on your shirt.

Thank God you're not a mom.
You are such an ice queen.

Any baby nursing from you
would get brain freeze.

Look, don't paint me as some sort of a
freak for wanting to remain independent.

There are plenty of normal people out
there who don't want to have kids.

Brother, lay your hand on this
box of condoms and repeat after me.

I, state the fake name
you give to women.

I, Johnny Banana.

Vow to always choose
wet T-shirts over wet diapers.

- Vow to always...
- Yeah, you're in great company there.

I'm gonna look for Lily
in the bathroom.

While I'm in there,
I'll grab you a tampon.

Great, and when you're done
shaking off at the urinal,

maybe you could ask
the wizard to give you a heart.

You know what? Maybe I should find
somewhere else to stay this weekend.

- No argument here.
- Fine.

Great.

Welcome, to our fraternity
of non-paternity.

He is one of us.

Gentlemen,

Mr. Li,

if you would all please
open to page five

of your merger documents.

I think that you...

What is it, Eriksen?

Nothing.

I just think that you look...

very nice today.

What are you looking at?

I am looking at the future...

of our two companies, and

it looks very...

naked.

Would you excuse me
just for a brief second?

Did anyone else see the drunk chick?

Hey, you guys didn't have to...

It's a picture of me with no kids.

And there's macaroni glued
on the frame.

Guys, I love it.

Well, Lily's not in there.

Your phone rang. I answered it.
I hope you don't mind.

- Marshall's got Lily. She's fine.
- Oh, thank God.

What?

When I was putting
your phone back, and...

- I found something in your bag.
- I have a permit for that.

- And the other thing was a gift.
- No

This.

You stole Jeremy's sock.

No, I didn't.

I don't know how that got in there.
It must've fallen in. Weird!

- "Fallen in"?
- Or Lily put it in there as a joke.

That bitch be drunk.

Okay, I took it.

It's just...

so cute.

Sock.

Robin Scherbatsky, are you warming
to the idea of having children?

No.

I don't know.

Maybe someday.

When I'm, like, 70.
Science will catch up.

Look, I'm just...

I'm confused lately. I'm unemployed.
I'm living on a couch.

Yeah.

It's been a rough couple
of months for both of us.

Hey, I have a spare bedroom.

Why don't you stay with me while you
look for a place?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thanks, Ted. I already have some leads,
so it'll be one week, two weeks tops.

And that's how your Aunt Robin
moved in with me.

I'm bored.
Let's go dancing.

- Let's rob a liquor store!
- Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay?

Whenever we go somewhere
when you're drunk,

you always fall asleep as soon
as we get in the...

We're going dancing!

We're gonna party
all night long!

Can you circle the block
a couple times

just to make sure
she's really down?

Sure thing.

Latest Not A Father's Day brainstorm,

a pregnancy test,

but instead of
a little blue line,

there's a little, blue Barney
going like this.

Barney, Not A Father's Day is lame.
It's a holiday for losers.

What are you...?
What're you talking about?

That's a great group of bros.

Barney, it's the Cheerleader Effect.

No, Ted. That only works for chicks.

Take a good look at each one
of those guys individually.

These geniuses are not childless
by choice, my friend.

- Good night, Barney.
- Good night.

Sock.

Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes?

You smell "Chocolate chip

I'm sorry I was such a drunk
idiot" pancakes.

Is there any "Wish I hadn't
puked on your shirt" bacon?

There sure is.

Baby...

I'm so sorry about last night.
I know I was a mess. I...

I just started freaking out about
whether we're ready to be parents.

But you took such good care of me.

I know you're gonna be a great dad.

I don't want to be a dad right now.

What?

Last night, it was just...

Between balancing work
and drunk Baby Lily,

it was too much.

I'm just getting
started at this job,

and I'm working
such long hours, I mean...

Look, I love you.

And I absolutely want to
have kids someday. I just...

I want to be ready for it.

Me, too.

And whenever we are ready,

I know you're going
to be amazing.

You, too.

Do you want to go have completely
protected sex right now?

I do.

Do you want to finish
your bacon first?

You are the perfect woman.

And the cat's in the cradle
and the silver spoon

Little Boy Blue and
the Man on the Moon

- When you comin' home, Dad?
- I don't know when

We'll get together then, son

I'll know we'll have
a good time then.