How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 18 - Old King Clancy - full transcript

In the spring of 2009

I've been hired to design

a new headquarters for Goliath National Bank.

And I was eager to add as much of my voices

as an architect into the plan as possible.

Woodbeams bathed in natural light in the atrium.

They're gonna love it!

There was only one problem

and his name was Bilson

wood natural light

Ah, no!

Natural light reminds the workers
that there's an outside world

where they had family and friends

We want to crash that!

You show up in the dark, you go home in the dark

You spend your whole damn day in the dark!

I need to hear Lily's voice

Who said you could leave

Bilson was killing every original idea I had

Then, one day

GNB took him off the project

and created a new task force to oversee my designs

suddenly, everything changed

We'll have a roof top in the end of the garden

for quiet contemplation

We'll have a reflecting pool in the lobby

where local children can come to make wishes.

The New GNB,

A place of work

that you can call "home".

Thank you, and welcome home.

Everything was going great,

until one day, in the elevator

yeah, it's ted

no, no, no, no, no, no

I did not approve that change

for the blueprints for the new GNB headquarters

which I'm the head architect,

at only 30 years old

yes, I'm single, I'm not gifted charity.

What is that has to do with anything

Alright, goodbye, Mr. Mayor.

You know that was a fake phone call, don't you

Yes, and I also know

that the new GNB headquarters project was scrapped last month

Nice try.

Sync by vNaru

Check out Scarlett Johansson at the Oscars.

If I could nail any celebrity

it would definitely be Scarlett Johansson

Hot, talented,

and nobody does that many in Woody Allen's movies

without serious daddy's issues

If I could nail any celebrities, it would be Lily.

She's the star of my heart.

For me, it would be Hugh Jackman.

You know, I don't know, celebrities,

they're into some really weird sex stuff. Trust me.

How would you know that

This is embarassing, but I...

I went home with a celebrity one night.

Oh my god! Seriously

Yeah, he wanted to do this really freaky things with me,

So I left. That's it.

End of the story.

No, no, not end of the story

I need to know who, when, and in where. Spoil it!

Lily, be calm, please settle down.

You're swallowing to much air.

But before you go any further,

I'm flattered, but technically, I'm not a celebrity.

Plus, for the last time, I put the mask on as a joke.

OK, not you Barney.

OK, who is it

OK, now you give Lily the hiccups.

Ok, I won't tell you anything specific.

But all I'll say

is that he is Canadian born,

but you definitely know this guy.

And he got me back to his place

by offering to show me a very unique collection.

What do you mean collection

Well, you know some people collects

like stamps or coins, it's like that.

But I'm not telling.

Well, at least tell us the weird thing he wanted to do.

I don't know what you call it in the States,

but we have a name for it in Canada.

Look, I've already said too much.

So, mystery celebrity who collects a mystery item

asked you to do a mystery Canadian sex act.

Yes.

Tell us.

OK, I'll tell you.

But only if you guess all three parts correctly.

- Well, that's just impossible.
- Exactly.

I don't even know any Canadian sex acts.

Well, you got your Sloppy Dog Sled,

your Newfoundland Lobster Trap, your Full Mountie.

How do you know all these

- Dot org
- Yeah.

It's not for profit.

They really wanna just get the information out there.

Hey, so I just had the weirdest conversation.

This woman at GNB told me

that the new bank building was scrapped last month.

It's crazy, right

Wait, what's that look

- Should we tell him
- I don't wanna tell him.

- I think we should tell him.
- We're not telling him.

There was no look.

Guys, what the hell

Ok, it's time that you know the truth.

A few weeks ago, Bilson called us into his office.

We're scrapping the plan for the new GNB headquarters.

This recession is killing us.

We're cutting anything non-essential.

And I have a lot of tough choices to make

to buy courtly retreat in Saint Croix.

Man, Ted is gonna be devastated.

Not when he hears it coming from his best friend.

- I have to tell him!
- I have to tell him!

You should tell him, you're his best friend.

I'm not, you're his best friend.

I'm not, you're his best friend.

Quiet, here he comes.

The white dude or the Asian fellow

See I bearly know the guy.

- Hey, Ted, what's up
- Hey, how're you doing

I'm frustrated.

Anything innovative I put on my designs

Bilson just hacks out with a shitty

I hate to answer to a guy like that.

You should drop the project.

You should totally drop the project.

It's beneath you.

Then it's settled. To Ted Mosby's new chapter...

Are you kidding They just lay off
another architect at my firm.

I mean Bilson is a pain sure.

But without this project, I'm probably out of the job.

Right, it's funny that you metioned the project.

- Because...
- You're nailing it.

Keep up the good work buddy.

Your hair and teeth look fantastic today.

You're shining like a diamond!

Thank you.

I needed that.

All right, I'm going to head upstairs and keep working.

I got to find a way to introduce some wood

into Bilson's dark atrium.

I think you know what I meant.

- What was that
- What

I have a thought.

Okay, we're paying Ted's firm

for two more months of design work no matter what,

so couldn't we just let him

keep working and not tell him

He's had a rough year.

Let's let the guy be happy a little while longer.

Marshall, what you're suggesting

is an elaborate, long-term lie

that requires tremendous commitment.

A nice guy like you can't pull that off.

Sure I can.

Lie to me right now.

Okay.

I have a spaceship.

What kind of fuel powers your spaceship

Okay, I don't have a spaceship.

No!

Stand your ground!

If someone questions you,

distract them from the original lie with more lies.

Here, let me demonstrate.

I own a pony.

Ask me a question.

Okay.

Um, what color is your pony

Well, when I first got Dandelion,

she was a deep, chestnut brown,

but, sadly, her stable is located near a chemical plant,

which contaminated the drinking water.

So over time, she's turned a sickly, grayish-white color

and there's nothing that the vet can do to fix her.

My God!

I'm-- That's horrible.

Is Dandelion going to be okay

Okay.

All right. Huh

You are good!

Dandelion's not even sick, is she

So the building's really dead

and you guys lied to me

We, we just did it to protect you, Ted.

I can't believe this.
I just got screwed by my two best friends

and I didn't even know it.

In Canada, that's called a "Sneaky Snowplow."

That building was my dream job, and now, it's just gone.

We're so sorry, Ted.

Yeah, I need a drink.

Poor Ted.

Would I seem heartless

if I switched us back to Canadian Sex Acts

- Not at all.
- I'm surprised you waited this long.

What the hell is a "Two-Hand Zamboni"

Let's just say, the only thing

the woman is wearing is skates on her hands.

A "Manitoba Milk Bag"

Okay, it's like a "Chicago Mustache,"

but the person on the bottom

is wearing a snowsuit.

A "Newfoundland Lobster Trap"

Don't know. Don't want to know.

Those Newfies are out of control.

Okay! Okay, I'm going to make my first guess.

Okay, but I'll only tell you if you

correctly guess the person, the act and the collection.

Okay, I'm going to go.

Bryan Adams.

He collects baseball cards,

and he wanted to do a "Greasy Kayak."

No.

Wayne Gretzky, vintage Hot Wheels,

a "Squatting Eskimo."

Nah-uh.

Kiefer Sutherland, souvenir shot glasses,

and a "Sticky Flapjack."

No.

That I would have done.

Wait.

Wait, if they pulled the plug on the project a month ago,

why have I been going in once a week

to meet with the New Headquarters Task Force

Well, obviously you couldn't come in

and pitch to Bilson.

So, we...invented the task force.

Then it was just a question of putting together the team.

You know Roy Waterman, Vice President of Capital and Risk

He's actually...

Roy the janitor.

Hey. Excuse me, Roy.

How'd you like to make a few extra bucks

How naked do I have to get

Louisa Mendoza, Executive Vice President of Assets

She's actually...

Louisa the lunch lady.

Louisa, I need your help with something,

but you can't tell anybody.

No hablo Ingles.

Exactly.

This is a big secret.

How do you say "secret" in Spanish

Albondigas?

Ah, yes. Albondigas.

This will be our little albondigas.

Hey, can I, uh, have a couple meatballs, please

And Arthur Nasmith, the eccentric genius guru

of corporate investments

He's actually...

Crazy Arty, 15th Street's own one-man band.

Excuse me.

Do you have a minute to talk

Actually, my assistant, Reginald,

makes all my appointments.

We rounded out the group with a few interns

and paied everyone 50 bucks to act

super interested in what you were saying.

Reginald, get me out of this for next week.

That was some of the most inspired design work

I've done in my entire career.

I was so excited.

Alex Trebek, a "Musty Goaltender",

- Beanie Babies!
- Nope.

Damn it!

Wait.

So that explains the thing that happened with Louisa.

- Good job, buddy.
- Nice, nice!

Listen, Louisa.

What are we gonna to do about this?

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I know you feel it, too.

What the hell.

No, no puedo.

Me voy a casar con el senor Barney.

No! No!

No, this is wrong!

For God's sake, you're on the task force!

Is there anything else you want to tell me

Well, um, you know how you played

third base for the GNB softball team

There is no GNB softball team.

We just rented out a field,

rounded up a bunch of guys and told them

to make you the hero.

So my game-winning walk was a lie

We're sorry, Ted, but we knew that

you'd be out of work soon, and we just--

we just wanted to make you feel good.

You know, that's what friends do.

Lie to each other

Sometimes, yeah, to protect each other's feelings.

No way! You never lie to your friends.

I would never not be honest with you.

Really What about that

open mic night at the comedy club

Are you like me, folks

Have you ever thought about how many

different kinds of fish there are

And the names of those fish.

Let's, uh, let's take a little ride.

"Trout." Am I right

"Sturgeon." I don't think so, pal.

"Salmon."

I'm going to say that again, salmon.

Who thought that was a good idea, right

"Bass." This guy over here knows what I'm talking about.

"Halibut."

Thank you, good night.

How was I

Oh, you were great. Really funny.

You killed...

everyone's Thursday night.

Time out.

You didn't like the fish list

It was horrible! You just read a list of fish.

Anyway...

you guys just proved my point, okay

You lied to me to protect my feelings.

This is completely different!

I just wasted a month of my life working on a dead project.

That's time I could've spent

trying to bring my firm new business.

Instead, I'm going to go in there tomorrow morning.

I'm probably going to get fired.

Best case scenario,

my boss is going to ream me out in front of everybody.

Back home, we call that a Sas...

"Saskatoon Totem Pole."

- Yes.
- It's on here.

Good morning, lying bastards.

Anything you want to lie about

before I head off to work to get fired

- That's a nice shirt.
- You're the devil.

Ted, what if we told you that we found you

a new project at GNB where you would be

redesigning part of the 20th floor

Well, if that's a lie, it's an incredibly dull one.

What exactly would I be doing

This is the 18th Floor E.T.R.

Basically, Bilson wants a room just like this,

only two stories up, on our floor.

Wait, what's an E.T.R.

It's the Employee Transition Room.

- What does that mean
- Well, it's a space

where a supervisor and an employee

engage in a knowledge transfer

about an impending vocational paradigm shift.

People get fired in here.

That's horrible.

Why do you need a room specifically for firing people

Well, um, GNB feels that people need a safe,

secure space to deal with the news.

Yeah.

It gets pretty real in here.

So I reluctantly agreed to design a room

where people would be fired

But I was determined to make it my own.

Now, when you leave the dismissal space,

you'll exit into what

I'm calling the Rebirth Tranquility Hallway.

Uh-oh.

Here, you'll find a soothing oval chamber

with a trained grief counselor.

It's right here, past the New Beginnings Fountain.

Uh-oh.

And there you have it.

Instead of a drab, dark prison cell,

a nurturing womb...

birthing you into a new life.

I love it.

- Really
- Yeah.

Nice work, Ted.

Thank you.

Can you add some of these touches

to the existing 18th Floor E.T.R. as well

- Absolutely.
- Great.

Let's take a look.

Okay, so I'm thinking this wall...

You're fired!

What!

I wanted this room!

This exact room two floors up!

But...

You're fired!

Now, get the hell out of here.

Hey, honey.

Anyone from the band Rush,

a "Montreal Meatpie," and superhero lunch boxes.

No.

Okay. Rick Moranis,

"The Reverse Rick Moranis,"

antique Judaica.

- Nah-uh.
- I give up.

I've been guessing for three days.

I-I-I'm done.

If that means I never get to know,

- so be it.
- Fine.

Tell us! Tell us!

Tell us!

Okay, you really want to know

Yes! Yes! Yes!

But this information

does not leave this table.

Oh, my, God.

I am so excited.

- Oh... I'm going to read it.
- Read it.

- I'm going to read it.
- Read it.

I'm going to read it. Here we go.

"The Frozen Snowshoe,

Old King Clancy, Harvey's trays."

Right

I don't know what any of those words mean.

Is one of those supposed to be a celebrity

Yeah, who the hell is Old King Clancy

No, that's not the person,

that's the sex act.

It's the same as a Sacramento Turtleneck,

except with maple syrup.

So the celebrity was Harvey Straze

No, that's what he collected.

Harvey's trays.

Those classic orange trays you get

whenever you eat at Harvey's

The restaurant

Oh, come on, you're road tripping

down the Trans-Canada Highway,

you get a hunger on between Milverton and Wawa,

where you gonna strap on a feed bag, huh

Harvey's. Over 12,000 served!

So the celebrity was...

The Frozen Snowshoe.

Oh, my God! You guys

have never heard of The Frozen Snowshoe

He's only the most famous

professional wrestler in Canada.

I met him after he defeated Reckless Rick Rogers

in the Kamloops Memorial Arena back in '02.

Classic match.

So you're saying The Frozen Snowshoe

invited you back to his place

to look at Harvey's trays,

and asked you to do an Old King Clancy

Exactly.

And I'm serious, you cannot tell anyone.

Well, my hiccups are gone.

Possibly forever.

Canada!

You did it again.

You even found a way to ruin this.

Why Why do we let you be a country

Hey, mister mister.

Hey. Shouldn't you be upstairs

designing your big, fancy E.T.R.

- I'm off the project.
- What?

Bilson fired me.

You're kidding me.

So what does this mean for you at your firm?

Are you going to get laid off

Actually, I just quit.

Why

Because I can't work for big,

heartless corporate clients anymore.

When I was pitching to your "task force,"

I was doing the most inspired work of my career.

In a way, you idiots reminded me how much fun

my job can be when I'm not answering

to the Bilsons of the world, so...

I quit.

They fired you, didn't they

Yes, sir.

But I got a sweet severance package

and I've made a big decision.

I'm going to start my own firm.

Whoa, buddy. That's exciting.

Way to go. In this economy

So you're not mad

As it turns out, I'm grateful.

So how'd it all go down between you and Bilson

Well, after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift,

I made an impromptu presentation using a four-pronged approach

that really brought him to his knees.

Hit him with a chair

- Yep.
- That's my boy.

And this one, I got on the drive

from Milverton to Wawa.

That's pretty impressive, The Frozen Snowshoe.

Please, we're friends. Just call me "Shoe."

Have a seat.

So, Shoe...

How would you like to give me...

an Old King Clancy

I think you should go.