How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 17 - The Front Porch - full transcript

In March of 2009, I'd been dating my high school
girlfriend Karen for a few weeks.

My friends couldn't have
been happier about it.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hello.

Sorry, we, uh, we can't stay long.

- What a shame!
- That is sad!

Hey, are those real diamond earrings?

Yes. Yes, they are. Thank you.

I didn't say I liked them.

Oh, well, I got a great deal on them, so...

Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners
in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five

if they still had all their
fingers. But really pretty.

Meet me upstairs.

They only need one finger to
give her what I'm thinking.

Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche.

Thanks for sugarcoating it.

"Douche"is sugarcoating it.

Uh, okay, believe it or not, my friends
do not get a vote on who I date.

It's my life. I call the shots.

- Ted, now!
- Yeah, coming!

I don't know what Ted sees
in that horrible woman.

I mean, yeah, she's got boobs, but...

well, I guess I get it.

I think it's 'cause
they met in high school.

She was his first real girlfriend.

We look at Karen and see a jerk.

Ted looks at Karen and sees the first
person to touch his wiener besides himself,

his mom, and his pediatrician.

Okay, well, it's almost 2:00 A.M.
I better get ready for work.

How can they call that thing
you're on a "morning show"?

4:00 A.M.is still the
middle of the night.

I don't see how you do it.

It's been almost a
month. I'm used to it.

Plus the show's not half bad, right?

- Totally.
- I've never seen it.

Have you guys ever watched it?

- Of course!
- I've never seen it.

Really? What is your favorite segment?

- Weather.
- I've never seen it.

- You guys have never seen my show.
- Sorry.

- It's true.
- That's what I've been saying.

Okay, yes, it's dull and generic and we get
spanked in the ratings by that Korean channel

I'll tell you what.

This Friday morning, everyone
can come to our place 3:30 A.M.

We'll all put on PJs.
We'll watch Robin's show.

Aw, you guys are the best.

We just want to support you.

I just want to go to sleep!

I hate Robin for not
being more successful.

Hey, guys.

Sad announcement:
Karen broke up with me.

Go ahead.

I knew you were listening! Yes!

Sync by vNaru

Hey, hey, we shouldn't be celebrating.

Ted's just been through a bad breakup.

Look, buddy, tell us everything.
Tell us what happened.

Seriously, spare no details.

What did she say? What did
you say? How did it feel?

If you were to do it again,
all over, would you maybe...

How did it happen?

It was the stupidest thing.

I mean, we were just hanging
out, you know, being funny...

You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.

Ew, no, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.

Wait. What is this?

Looks like one of Robin's
earrings. That's weird.

- You're the fan...
- How did it get in your bed?

I don't know.

Have you been sleeping with Robin?

What? No, of course not!

It, it probably got mixed in
with the laundry or something.

Why should I believe you?

Um, maybe because I've
alwaysbeen faithful to you

while you've cheated on
me, like, six times, bitch.

- Oh, snap! -
Cold-blooded!

Right? Right?

I totally should have said that.

Why should I believe you?

Um, maybe because I'vealwaysbeen
faithful to you while you...

I love you...

I knew this was a mistake.
That's it. It's over.

And that was it. She left.

What a story.

So brave of you to share that.

Wait. Thoseare your pajamas?

You sleep in a pajama suit?

Of course. What do you think I sleep in?

A coffin.

Dude, that doesn't look
comfortable at all.

You're wearing a tie.

First of all, it's a sleeping cravat.

Second, it's not about comfort.

It's about looking good all the time.

Why do you have to
look good all the time?

Marshall, let me tell you a little story about
something that happened a couple months back.

We were just having a "Who's hornier" contest
and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves.

Nice pajamas.

Can we use your shower?

That's not a memory.
That's from a porn movie.

Not just any movie. That's
the exact scene from...

Never mind.

The point is itcouldhappen.

And if it did, and I didn't look my absolute best
for those greasy sluts, I'd regret it forever.

I'm sorry, dude, but that is just the most
ridiculous sleeping attire I've ever seen in my life.

Anyway...

Marshall's wearing a nightgown!
Marshall's wearing a nightgown!

Hey, guys, you know how in the future we're always
saying "Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown"?

This is that time!

It's a nightshirt.

You can call it a Ninja
Star Danger Jock if you want.

Doesn't make you any
less of a cross-dresser.

Whatever, dude. It's comfy.

So, flying to Neverland with
Peter and Tink, was that amazing?

Ooh, let me go next!

Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded
bed and take Charlie to the chocolate factory?

Ooh, me, me, me, me!

Um, something about Scrooge!

Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team.

I don't know. I lived
with Marshall for 12 years.

Any time he's wearing
clothes at all, it's a victory.

Ted, show's about to start!

Be right there!

Good morning, New York. I'm Robin...

Marshall, I just found Robin's
earring on your dresser.

Did you have something to do with
the other one being in my bed?

What are you talking about?

You've always hated Karen. You've
been telling me to break up with her.

You did it. You-you put the earring
in my bed so that Karen would find it.

No, Ted, No! I would never...

- Admit it!
- There's nothing to admit!

Then why was Robin's
earring on your dresser?

He was accessorizing!

Marshall, I swear to God, if you
don't tell me the truth right now...

Wait! Marshall didn't do it.

I did.

I broke you and Karen up.

You broke me and Karen
up? Are you insane?

What gives you the right to do that?

Ted, I did it for your own good.

You just weren't seeing
how awful she was.

She failed the Front Porch Test.

What's the Front Porch Test?

Ted, you, me, and Marshall have
been best friends since college.

Think about how much we
all mean to each other.

So when I picture the future,
I picture us all together.

How we'll all be retired, sipping tea
on the front porch of our beach house,

playing bridge all day.

Okay, bridges are wild.

Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge.

I see your bridge and I
raise you three bridges.

Bridge! I win!

You have no idea how
to play bridge, do you?

We're gonna take a class.

It's important to stay active.

So whenever you've been dating somebody
for a while, I do the Front Porch Test.

You know, how is this person gonna
fit in with our group over the years?

And when I think about Karen there...

Bridge! I win!

Fantastic. Another game of bridge.

Don't read a book or anything.

Look, dear... dolphins.

They seem happy.

I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront
property hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet.

It will. That water will kill you.

It is a toxic deathtrap.

I'm gonna take a dip.

I'll join you.

Karen failed the Front
Porch Test. She had to go.

I can't believe you did that.

Ted, think about how awesome
you, me, and Marshall are.

Seriously think about it.

- We're pretty awesome.
- We're totally awesome!

So whoever you marry,
whoever joins Team Awesome,

the bar is set pretty damn high.

Look, I'm not saying what
I did was right, but...

You're better off without her.

And if Clarence the angel
says it's true, it must be true.

Okay, you know what?
Fine, make your little jokes.

Seriously, why would you
wear something like that?

- Lots of reasons.
- I bet you can't name five.

One: No need to wear
anything underneath.

I can vouch for that. Will
you cross your legs, buddy?

Two: Sexy.

I can vouch for that.

Will you uncross your legs, buddy?

Three: My Grandpa Olaf wore
one and he lived to be 107.

Four: No elastic waistband leaving its judgmental
pink teeth marks around my Thanksgiving belly.

And five: Every night when I
go to sleep, it's the freest,

most wonderful feeling in the world.

I feel... like I'm flying.

So that's how I go to bed
every night: happy, weightless.

With a heart full of
joy. What about you?

I have to lie perfectly still
so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas.

But at least I'm not wearing a dress.

So... how mad are you?

I don't know. I mean,

I guess if you guys feel that strongly
about Karen, then maybe it was for the best.

I really am sorry.

I hated doing that again,
but Karen had to go.

"Again"? Wait. How many times have
you broken me up with a girlfriend?

Never! Six.

- Like who?
- No one! Angie.

Sophomore year.

She was just using you to get back at
her ex, and you clearly didn't see it,

so one day when she was taking a nap...

Creed?

Oh, my God, I have to break up with her.

So that's where my Creed CD went.

Who else?

Remember that weird sci-fi girl who wanted
you to propose after, like, two months?

You barely even liked her, but you
were still thinking about it, so...

Listen, Ted, you're great,
and this is so difficult,

but I think we're looking
for different things.

So, live long and prosper. Or whatever.

That was you? This is insane!

Ted, I did those things to help you.

You're a commitment junkie.

You fall in love with these women,
even if they don't deserve you.

What if one of those women was supposed
to be the mother of my children?

If there was ever the tiniest chance
of that, I swear I didn't do anything.

Like with Victoria or Stella.

Or Robin.

Or Robin.

Robin, Robin.

Did you break us up, too?

Did you break us up, too?

Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy!

You weep for these women, but you have
the luxury of not knowing what I know:

That those breakups, while tragic,
probably saved you from a crappy

and very expensive first marriage.

Did you break me and Robin up?

You don't want the truth because deep down,
you want me out there watching out for you.

And deep down, you know that none of those women
were ever gonna be the mother of your children.

- Did you break me and Robin up?
- I did what I had to do.

- Did you break me and Robin up?
- You're damn right I did!

Marshall, your grandpa
Olaf was a wise man.

You broke me and Robin up?

- No, it's not...
- I cannot believe this.

I need another drink.

You know, I feel a little
breeze down there. It's nice.

Oh, you think that's something?

Stand over this heating vent. It's
like your junk is on a tropical island.

Little Barney says "Mahalo."

Seriously, what is wrong with you, Lily?

How could you do that?

I did this because I care about you!

I am so glad that is
the one you watched!

Dear God, what happened to you?

You didn't watch my show?

The show. Sorry.

Something special happen?

Same old, same old.

Lily just told us that
she broke you and me up.

What? Broke-broke us up?
What does that even mean?

And why are these guys
wearing nightgowns?

- Nightshirts.
- Nightshirts.

- It's a nightshirt.
- It's called a nightshirt, Robin.

Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself to
sabotage many of my relationships, including ours.

No. Robin was different. I
didn't want you two to break up,

but you wanted completely different things
out of life and refused to deal with it.

I could just picture that front porch.

Mm, two of hearts.

Just like the hearts of the two children I
never had because my lovely wife hates kids.

Mm, a deuce.

Exactly what my career dropped once I
decided to settle down and marry Ted.

Bridge! I win.

Well, I do not like
that scenario one bit.

All I tried to do was get you
guys to talk about your issues.

I didn't know I was feeding you the
words that would lead to your breakup.

Hey, here's a fun question, just for fun.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

You know what's fun? Fun questions.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Where do you see yourself?

Not to put words in your mouth,
but you probably want to be married.

I probably want to be married.

You probably want to
be in Tokyo or Paris.

I probably want to be in Argentina.

Argentina?

Or Tokyo or Paris.

We have an expiration date, don't we?

Oh, my God.

Lily, you can't manipulate
people like that!

I - I've known you 12 years, and I can honestly
say, I have never been more furious at you!

- Look, I didn't mean to...I was just...
- No! I don't even want to hear it!

Settle down! Let's just settle down!

Now, I have one question.

What do these bad boys feel like in bed?

Come on. Let's go see.

So, if it weren't for you, Ted
and I might still be dating?

Or you would have stayed
together far too long,

had an incredibly bitter breakup
and not even remained friends,

and then you and I would
never have become best friends.

Don't even say that. Okay?

Stop hugging!

Lily, you had no right to
interfere in my relationships.

You got lucky. Okay?

You met the love of your life in
a dorm hallway when you were 18.

But that doesn't give
you the right to play God

to the rest of us mortals down here
who are still looking for someone.

You're so concerned about who you and Marshall
are gonna end up on that front porch with.

Well, you know what?

You can have it to yourselves.

What happened to your jacket?

Oh, soot, bread crumbs, placenta.

Did you at least TiVo it?

So you're this comfy every night,
and Lily still has sex with you?

Yeah. That's what marriage is
all about, man, unconditional love.

You can wear whatever you
want and still get laid.

Tell me more about being married.

Well, sometimes, when you're married,

you wake up to the smell of
breakfast already on the table.

- And coffee, too?
- And coffee, too.

Sometimes, she'll even put out
a vase of freshly cut flowers.

I love flowers.

And sometimes, when you're worried you've
made all the wrong decisions in life

and you're not nearly the man you
want to be, what does she do then?

Well, she tells you that you're
great and it's all gonna be okay.

That's wonderful.

And she'll help you find
other girls to have sex with?

I mean, I guess.

Maybe if you agreed upon
that beforehand, yeah.

Little guy had a big day.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Sweet dreams, slugger.

The next night, I was still
angry at your aunt Lily.

Until...

What are you...

Lily came by and explained everything.

And she gave me this note for you.

"Ted, I'm sorry.

"It doesn't matter to me who you marry.

"I know they'll be awesome
because they'll think you are.

"To show I mean it, I put together a little
surprise "for you and Karen upstairs.

Love, Lily."

"P.S.Sorry the envelope
was already open.

"I had to read what
she wrote. Marshall."

Sabotaging our relationship?

I got to say, even using the specially-ordered
extra-low bar by which I judge your friends,

Lily really outdid herself this time.

Obviously, we can't ever see her again.

I know. It's a big loss, right?

Hey, rember your old college roommate?

He was married to that
shrill little idiot girl.

Marshall. Oh, it's been so long.

God, I hated him.

Anyway, here's his obituary.

And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter
what my friends think of my girlfriend,

but it sure as hell matters what
my girlfriend thinks of my friends.

- So you ended it?
- Yeah.

So if you want to be my plus
one, Lily's a damn good cook.

Beef pot pie, mac and cheese,
homemade buttermilk biscuits.

Well, no wonder Marshall dies at 68.

Thank you.

So, Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner.

Well, for her it was breakfast.

And we ended up doing exactly what
Lily wanted us to do all along:

We talked about our relationship.

- So, Lily broke us up, sort of.
- Yeah.

- Kind of makes you wonder.
- Yeah.

I mean, if it weren't for her,
would we still be dating right now?

Maybe.

But Lily was right. We weren't ready.

We both need to move
on, do our own thing.

Still do, I guess.

We should make a pact.

If the years go by, and we both
turn 40, and we're still single...

Robin Scherbatsky...

will you be my backup wife?

A girl always dreams
of hearing those words.

Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!

- All right, it's a deal.
- Yeah.

So, should we set up some
ground rules for this?

Okay, like what?

I don't know. Like neither one of us
can get super fat. Stuff like that.

Okay, I only have one: you
can't wear a nightshirt.

- I will never wear a nightshirt.
- Thank God.

Never mind.

No!