How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 19 - Murtaugh - full transcript

You will not believe what happened
at laser tag last night.

People freaked out because

a creepy man in a suit
wouldn't leave their kids alone?

Well, yeah, pretty much.

Come on!
You want it?!

My shoulder!

Come on.

Stinson, my office! Now!

Crap.

Disorderly game play,

three counts of shoving,
and now this!

Stinson, you're a liability!

I know, I don't play
by your precious rules, McCracken,

but, damn it, I get results!

Look, you're a good
laser tag player.

Maybe the best I've ever seen.

But one of these days,
you're gonna get someone hurt.

Maybe even yourself.

You just forgot
what it's like out there.

You've had your fat ass stuck
behind that desk for too long.

That's it!
You're out of here, Stinson!

Hand in your gun and your ID badge!

With pleasure.

Please don't do this.
This game is all I got.

And I've almost got enough tickets
for the remote control helicopter.

Please.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

But I'm gonna give
you one last shot.

But so help me,

if you so much as step one toe
out of line,

you'll play Duck Hunt
in your mama's basement so fast,

it's gonna make your head spin.

Now, get out of here!

You won't regret this.

That's it, Stinson.
You're banned for life!

Sync by vNaru

I can't believe you got kicked out
of laser tag. What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you
what Ted and I are gonna do.

We're gonna break in after hours
and TP the place.

Barney, we are too old
to cover a place in toilet paper

because they won't
let you play laser tag.

And for that matter,
too old for laser tag.

Ted, laser tag knows
no age restrictions.

Kind of like stripping
in the Midwest.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm adding laser tag
to the Murtaugh List.

- Jeez, not the Murtaugh List.
- What's the Murtaugh List?

The Murtaugh List is something
that came into being

around the time I turned 30.

It all started with
yourUncle Marshall's beer bong.

... two, one, chug!

When we were in our early 20s,

every time we had a party,
that beer bong came out.

And around the time
we turned 30, same thing.

Of course, in our early 20s,
the next day would go like this.

But by the time we were 30,
the next day would go like this.

Then one day, in the throes of the worst
hangover of my life,

I realized there was only one person
in the world that I could relate to:

Detective Roger Murtaugh,
played by Danny Glover

in the'80s noir masterpiece
Lethal Weapon,

known for his
oft-quoted catchphrase:

- I'm too old for this...
- Stuff.

He said,
I'm too old for this stuff.

It's sad to admit, but as you get older,
there's things you can't do anymore.

That's why I have this list, so
I never make the mistake of thinking

that I can still
pull an all-nighter.

I'm too old for that stuff.

Or eat an entire pizza
in one sitting.

I'm too old for that stuff.

Or hang posters
on your wall without frames.

"Riggs."

I'm too old for that stuff.

- By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?
- I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off.

Old guy paired up
with a young renegade cop.

Sound familiar?

Mackleroy and LaFleur.

Don't tell me you guys have never seen
Mackleroy and LaFleur.

It's the greatest Canadian
action movie of all time.

Mackleroy is a young,
renegade Mountie

whose horse was just killed
by evil Americans,

while LaFleur, his grouchy,
old, African-Canadian partner,

just bought a cozy ice fishing
shack in northern Alberta...

- I got to go.
- Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.

Practice?

Is he doing that one-man
band thing again?

'Cause that was a bummer.

Actually,

He had just taken over

as coach for Lily's
kindergarten basketball team.

He thought it'd be fun, but Lily saw it
as something more: dad practice.

Hi.

Hey! Oh, my gosh!

Orange slices.
That is so sweet.

- What are you doing here?
- I couldn't resist.

I wanted to see
Coach Marshmallow do his thing.

Hey, kids,
who wants to knock off early

and have some of these here
orange slices?

- Yeah!
- Yeah? Well, you can't!

Because oranges are for winners,
and you little turds

haven't even made a single shot yet!

You're embarrassing yourselves,
you're embarrassing Ms. Aldrin,

and worst of all,
you're embarrassing me!

That's it!

Suicides! Baseline! Now!

Run.

Ted, there is not
a single thing on here

that you are too old to do.

In fact, if you did
everything on the Murtaugh List,

I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.

Barney, you are not 18 anymore.

If you did everything
on that list, you would die.

- That wasn't a challenge.
- Challenge accepted.

In the next 24 hours,
I'm going to do

every single thing on this list.

And after I do,

you will TP
the laser tag place with me.

- And if you can't do it?
- I will spend three hours

listening to you
talk about architecture.

You have got yourself a deal.
Robin, will you do the honors?

A gentleman's agreement!

All right, chumps, let's do this.

You really want to make this bet
with him? You know how he is.

There is some pretty
tough stuff on that list.

I mean, do you really think
Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?

"Get ear pierced."
Check.

All right, I'm off to go
do laundry at Mom's house.

You mind if I crash
on your futon tonight?

- We don't have a futon.
- Put it over there, boys.

- What's going on?
- It's on the Murtaugh List.

"Crash on a friend's futon
instead of getting a hotel room."

I am too old for that stuff.

What's going on with your ear?

Looks like the inside
of a jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.

What, this?
Ah, just a little infecsh.

Nothing a young guy like me
can't shake off.

Plus, "Put off going
to the doctor," on the list.

Hold on.

Go for Bar...

Keep running!

You know what's funny is, I was supposed
to come here to teach them...

Do not stop running!

This whole time, they've been
the ones who are teaching me.

That's not running!
That's falling!

The next morning, Barney woke up
on the futon in our living room.

Check.

"Drinking shots with strangers."

Check.

You OK, Barney?
It looks like you hurt your back.

Oh, no.
Just rocking a party hunch.

I like it.

Closer to my booze.
To youth.

Can I get a straw?

I must say,
there's something admirable

about the way he wants
to stay young at heart.

- I mean, who wants to get old?
- This guy.

Life is a meal
and old age is the dessert.

I spend so much of my time
worrying about the future.

Where's my career going?
Who am I gonna marry?

But when you're old,
you don't worry,

'cause all that stuff's
already happened.

You get to wear comfy shoes
and a chair takes you up

and down the stairs, it's perfect.

That's not perfect.
That's pathetic.

You can't just jump to the end.
The journey is the best part.

I used to feel that way, too,

but you'll understand
when you're a little bit older.

Marshall, can you try
not to pick on the kids today.

I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.

I'm picking on the culture
of losing around here.

I got to get them in shape

if they're gonna win
that game tomorrow.

Win?

We don't keep score.

- What?
- We don't keep score.

You don't keep s...

What's the point of playing
if you don't keep score?

How do you know...

Lily, what were you doing
with this team before I got here?

I was coaching them.

That's it, my little angels.

You're all luminous
wonderful beings of light.

- What's the score?
- It's all tied up at fun to fun!

Because that's the point of playing,
to have fun.

The point of playing
is to win the trophy.

And if you don't know who's
winning, who gets the trophy?

Everyone.

It's a participation trophy,
everyone gets one.

It's like you're speaking
Chinese to me right now.

- Hi, this is Barney.
- And Robin.

- We can't answer the phone because...
- He's watching sports and I'm...

Probably out shopping.

Leave a message,
we'll call you back just as soon...

- As...
- We...

Can!

"Leave an annoying two-person message
on your answering machine."

Check.

Probably gonna cost me
some dates, but it's okay.

Your ear's starting to smell.

It's good.

I hate to send it back,

but you did describe the turkey
as extremely lean,

and, well, you tell me.

All right. That's it.

- We have our own list.
- What?

This is a list of things
you're too young to do.

Go out and do each one of these things,
tell me you still want to be an old man.

Remove "colonoscopy"
and "Have sex with an old lady",

and this is a cakewalk.

New stakes, then.

If I can finish your list
before you finish mine,

you have to come with me
to TP laser tag

and you have to buy
the toilet paper.

And none of that biodegradable crap.
I want it up there forever.

Fine,
but if I finish your list first,

it's a six hour survey

of early 20th century
American architecture

and you can never do anything
on the Murtaugh List ever again.

- It's for your own good.
- You, sir, have got yourself a deal.

A gentleman's agreement!

Marshall, they're in kindergarten.
This isn't how you teach basketball.

Sure it is. It's the way I learned.

Are you kidding me?

What kind of sociopath
taught you this way?

Come on, Dad. I'm tired.

Sleep is for winners.

You can go to bed
when you score a basket.

I'm trying.

Let's give you
two points for trying.

But negative two points
for having a great big head.

My father gave me no quarter

and I asked for no quarter.

I totally got to call that guy.

Keep stretching!

"Put on reading glasses." Check.

"Yell at neighborhood kids."

My pleasure.

- What the hell happened to you?
- I just had a very minor

"blew out my knee
and it hurts like hell" incident.

- How did you blow out your knee?
- We...

"Helped someone move out of a 6th floor
walk-up in exchange for pizza and beer."

Or we helped someone
rob a sixth floor walk-up.

They were in a big hurry
and left all the pictures behind.

Whatevs, it counts.

Now, I am off to
"Dye my hair a funny color",

and then we are going to,
"Go to a rave".

4:00!

Supper time.

So, your dad was tough on you.

That stinks,
but you don't have to be like him.

You can learn from his mistakes.

Mistakes?
Lily, scoreboard.

The guy nailed it, okay?
He taught me how to be a winner.

That's what I'm teaching these kids.
And, for that matter,

that's what I'm gonna teach
our kids someday.

Okay, that's it.

This is not
how we're gonna raise our kids!

And this is not
how you're gonna coach this team!

At tomorrow's game,
if you are anything less

than a teddy bear stuffed
with cotton candy and rainbows,

I will silent treatment
your ass into the ground!

You'll think the time I found
your Internet search history

was a freakin' picnic!

Are we clear?

- There are many different philo...
- Are we clear?

Yes, ma'am.

What's ironic is that now...

Just call Ted.

I want to go home.

All right.
I'm calling him.

But it's 4:30 in the morning.
He's not going to be awake.

Up at 4:00...

Check.

- Is he answering?
- I haven't dialed yet.

Please hurry, Robin.

Perfect.

"Take forever to answer the phone."

Come on, Ted.

Someone gave me some aspirin
and I don't think it was aspirin.

Check.

So, I know that I have been
a little tough on you

for the past couple days.

And I apologize for that.

So today, we're not gonna
worry about winning.

We're gonna go out there and...

have fun.

Kids, over the years,
your uncle Marshall has told and retold

the story of this game
hundreds of times. And in reality,

the kids on that other team
were probably only a grade older.

But, in telling
and retelling the story,

they came to look like this.

Way to let them score that easily.

Now, you're sitting down.
Awesome.

Addison, it's not soccer.

You don't kick the ball!

Unless that's something
that you think is fun,

in which case, great job having fun.

- That was a foul, wasn't it, Ref?
- My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.

- And watch your tone.
- No tone, Kenny.

Great job, Kenny.

Thanks a lot, Kenny.

See you later, Kenny.

All right, Barney. As your manager,
I am throwing in the towel.

This bet is over.
Your ear looks like

a free Danish
at a continental breakfast.

No. One thing left.
"Beer bong."

Coming right up.

Oh, I...

found these weird Russian beers
in the basement.

Russian beers?
I'll take a brewski.

Brewski. Get it?

Yeah, it's...

It's a little warm.
Hope that's not a problem.

No, don't, don't.

All right, Ted.
You win. I hate this.

I hate all of it.

My back is killing me.

Everyone at the rave
thought I was a narc.

My ear hurts so bad I can hear it...

I can hear my own ear.
Think about that.

My clothes... What is it...
What is it... What am I...

Get this stuff off of me!

Ted, I'll pay you double
for your finest suit.

Here's...

30 bucks.

And throw in the shoes.

You win, Ted.

I'll never do anything
on the Murtaugh List again.

I'm too old for this stuff.

You know, Barney, last night,
I went to bed at 8:00

because it was on the list,
and I couldn't sleep because...

well, it was 8:00.

So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.

And then,
when I still couldn't sleep,

I watched Lethal Weapon 2.

And then I watched 3.

And then, halfway through
Lethal Weapon 4,

is when it occurred to me...

Murtaugh kept saying,
"I'm too old for this stuff",

but every time he'd say it,

he'd turn around,
make another movie,

and do more stuff.

I guess what I'm saying is...

screw being old.

Let's go TP laser tag.

And then the hospital.

Great job, guys.

At least we're not keeping score, right?
No idea what the score is.

Could be 53 to zero.

Could be some other score.
It's 53 to zero.

What are we doing wrong, Coach?

You know what?
You're not doing anything wrong.

It's great that you guys are losing,

because in life, it doesn't matter
how much effort you put in,

or how hard you try,

people will just give you things.

Like diplomas and jobs
and promotions.

So, it doesn't matter
what you do out there,

as long as...
as long as you have fun.

At that point, because they didn't want
to fight in front of the kids,

your uncle Marshall and aunt Lily had
one of their telepathic conversations.

- Don't you give me that look.
- Lily, I can't take it anymore!

Your way of coaching is crazy!

Stop yelling at me!

Sorry.

But can I please do it my way?

Fine, but I'm going
to do it my way, too.

I'm getting my guitar.

I don't know if it was
Marshall's tough attitude,

Lily's gentle encouragement,

or some magical combination
of the two,

but in the second half of that game,

that ragtag group
of little firecrackers...

got beat down even worse.

In fact, according
to your uncle Marshall,

in the second half,
the other team got even taller.

And one of them
turned into a Teen Wolf.

Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf
on the court!

That can't be legal.

I know the Teen Wolf
looks different, kids,

but try to make sure
he feels included.

How is that not traveling, Kenny?

You are killing me!
You are absolutely killing me!

Watch it, Coach,
or you'll get a technical.

I am begging you
to give me a technical.

When the final horn mercifully blew,

the score was,
by Marshall's estimate, 118 to nothing.

And even though
they didn't win anything,

everyone, even the coach,
got a participation trophy.

I understand if you don't want it.

I love it.

I worked so hard. It feels good
to be appreciated for my effort.

I know, baby.

Maybe your way
is not totally stupid.

Thanks.

Your way is totally stupid.

Son...

you have been a pain in my ass
ever since you joined this club.

But damn it...

if this ain't some
of the finest TP work I've ever seen.

You're reinstated...

effective immediately.

Really?

Hell, no!

I'm calling the police!

Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing
toilet paper. You're kidding me.

- I'm too old for this...
- Stuff.

He said stuff.