How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 7 - Swarley - full transcript

So, I guess that decides it.

Yup.

Is not nearly as much fun
as hanging out at a bar.

Man, what's that?

What?

That cute coffee girl
wrote a heart by your name.

♪ Somebody has
a crush on you ♪

♪ Somebody thinks
you're me. ♪

Do you really
think she likes me?

I mean, I guess it's
not that surprising.

Every time I come in here,
I do totally crack her up.

Marshall, here's
your pumpkin latte.

Wow. How did you fit a pumpkin
in this little cup?

(laughing)

I'll have a pumpkin latte.

How do they even fit a pumpkin
in those little cups?

What? You got a shrink
ray back there?

(laughing)

Yeah.

Hey, remember that time
I said that thing

About how do they fit a pumpkin

Into the little cup?

Which time?
The first time.

Yeah. That was really funny.

Right.

All right, there's only two
reasons she'd laugh at that.

One, it's the first joke
she's ever heard,

Or two, she likes you.

You should totally ask her out.

You think?

Yeah, that why you're not

Back with lily, right?
So you can experience

What it's like to be single.

Well, what if the heart

Doesn't mean anything?

What if she writes it
on all the cups?

Mine says "ted," no heart.

Mine says... "swarley."

How'd they get "swarley"
from "barney"?

It's not even a name.

Who would ever
be called "swarley"?

Oh, please don't start
calling me "swarley."

This would never
happen at a bar!

Man! What's up
with swarley?

I know. You almost never see
old swarlz get that upset.

Psssh.

Hey, guess what?

Oh, sorry.

It's only my mom.

She's just rambling on
like always.

Uh-huh.

What happened?

Marshall asked out a girl.

Wow. Well, if anything,
that's dad's fault.

That'll keep her going a while.

Oh, of course, you know,
he had a little help.

Swarley hooked him up?

Oh, good. You
got my text.

Yeah. Oh. No, it was me.

I gave marshall
one of my secrets.

So, what'd she say?

Nothing.

I don't think she heard me.

It's pretty busy up there.

What? You gave her
the look, right?

Head down, eyes looking up,

Hands in pockets, shoulders up,

Head slightly tilted,
conveying shy vulnerability.

I think so.

Look, can we just go?

Pumpkin latte

For marshall.

I didn't order that.

Phone number.

I love that look.

I think I slept with you
because of that look.

And it's fake?

Oh, and you biting
your lower lip,

Shyly looking away and thrusting
your chest out is natural?

Yeah, I hear you.

(knocking at door)

Hey! Hey. Hey, guys.

Are you free tomorrow night?

I was thinking of having
a wine tasting

Slash "help me catch the rat
in my apartment" party.

That's a great idea.

You can put out cheese for both.

I should invite marshall, right?

It'd be weird if I didn't.

Yeah, I don't think he can go.

Really? Why not?

Uh, okay, um...

Lily, we have to
tell you something.

Marshall has a date.

Oh. Well... Good for him.

Really? You're
okay with it?

Look, we've been broken up
almost six months.

I mean, I'm not
thrilled about the idea,

But he has every right
to date someone else.

That's very mature.

Why are you holding the phone?

Oh, shoot.

(laughing)

That's hilarious, mom.

Didn't even notice.

Hey, dude, by the way,
I really like that suit.

Tell me about the fabric.

Is it foreign or something?

Wow. It is foreign.

I'm impressed, ted.

It's moroccan, actually.
Whoa.

I got a call for swarley.

Is a swarley here?

You weren't interested

In my suit at all, were you?

Hmm?
Swarley!

Yeah, I know he's there.

It's really important.

Could you ask again?

Important call for swarley!

Marshall:
Geez,

Can't you hear him, swarley?

There's a call for you.

Stop calling me that.

Uh... Hey, I'd
like you guys

To officially meet chloe.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

It's nice to meet you guys.

I'll be right back.

It's right back there.

Right?

Right? She's hot!

And she likes me?

She likes italian food.

I also like italian food.

She likes billy joel.

I also like... Music.

And I think

We're going to go out again.

Dude, you gotta ditch her.

Obviously.

What? Why?

She's got the crazy eyes.

Dude. The eyes.

They're crazy.

What are you guys talking
about, the crazy eyes?

It's a well-documented

Condition of the
pupils, or pupi.

No. Just pupils.

It's an indicator of
future mental instability.

She does not have
the crazy eyes.

You just can't see it
because you're afflicted

With "haven't been laid
in a while" blindness.

She was too far away
in the coffee place,

But when I saw her
up close, just now...

Hey, I'd like you guys
to officially meet chloe.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

It's nice to meet you guys.

(maniacal cackling)

(bats screeching)

(clocks ticking)

You guys, I'm not going
to stop dating chloe

Just because you think
she has the crazy eyes.

You can keep going out with her,

But you're gonna regret it.

One time, I met a girl
at this very bar.

I saw that she had
the crazy eyes...

But I ignored it.

And then, sure enough.

Barney, can I ask
you a question?

Anything.

Would you like to
have a threesome?

Of course.

Great. It'd be me, you,
and mr. Weasels.

So, did you do it?

No. It ended up
being just a twosome

With the third one
watching from a chair.

Which one were you?

I'd rather not say.

Look, there was a time
I didn't believe

In the crazy eyes either,
and then I met jeanine.

She had serious crazy eyes.

I told myself I was just
imagining it, but then...

So, should we go get a drink?

As long as it's
in your apartment.

(tires squeal)

Whoa, I'm sorry.

Watch! Where! You're! Going!

So, where do you live?

You guys, chloe is not gonna
do any of that stuff.

She's a nice girl from nebraska.

She's not crazy.

She's... She's awesome.

But you can't avoid
the crazy eyes forever.

Sooner or later, the crazy
comes bubbling to the surface.

Hello?

Marshall, it's chloe.

Are you the one who's
called me, like, nine times?

Yeah. Could you come get me?

I'm in the middle
of taking a test.

Please. I'm so scared.

Well, what's going on?

This weird midget guy
started following me

And he was screaming at me

And he had a limp
and a big hump on his back

And the police didn't believe me

And I almost got
trampled by a horse and...

God, I must sound
totally crazy to you right now.

No.

Pfft.

Not at all.

So, she's needy crazy.

That's one of the worst kinds.

I've had one of those.

Makes up stories
to get attention.

Went out with her for three
weeks... her dad died twice.

Guys, she was really
freaked out, okay?

Maybe the story is true.

What in the world

Would make you believe
that's a true story?

She's really hot.

They always are.

You all done with that, ted?

Yeah.
Ned.

I told you to call him ned.

That's just sad.

Sorry, swarley.

So, do just you
and ted live here

Or does swarley live here, too?

Nah.
"swahili" has his own place.

(popping crash)

What was that?

Oh, I, uh, dropped my keys.

Oh.

So, here you go.

Two pumpkin beers.
(laughing)

I was joking.
They're regular beers.

What is that?

This picture is broken.

Oh. That's too bad.

Is that lily?

Is that the girl you
were going to marry?

Yeah. Is that what
that sound was?

Did you just smash this?

No.

Why would I do that?

Let me look into your eyes.

Okay.

I had a really
nice time tonight.

Yeah, me, too.

Stop blinking.

I like your eyes a lot, too.

Stop!

Hi. I'm lily.

Stop!

Now, I know aunt lily
hiding in the apartment

While uncle marshall was
on a date with another girl

Seems pretty crazy,
but when you hear

Her side of the story, well,
it's still pretty crazy.

What's up, swarlz? No.

Okay? No. No more.

I will not let this
become a thing.

It's over.

No more swarley.
No swarlz.

♪ No more swar-lay

♪ no more swar...
Wait for it... Ley ♪

No more bob swarley, mon.

No more.

No!

It's over.

Do you understand?

Yes.
Yes.

Thank you.

Nice.

Why didn't you call me?
Was I supposed to call you?

Yes, about the whole marshall-
dating-another-girl thing.

You said you were fine with it.

Yeah, in front of ted,
but then I shot you a look.

What look?

This.

That doesn't seem like a look.

Yes it is. It means,
"I'm upset call me later."

You should have pulled me aside
and told me what the look meant.

If I pulled you aside,
I wouldn't need the look.

Well, maybe if it was a more
distinctive look...

Okay, the look isn't important.

What's important is that
I can't stand the idea

Of marshall dating
another woman.

I mean, what if

He falls in love with her?

Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

Ted says she has the crazy eyes.

What's that?

Apparently, a thing women have
that guys can see

And it tells them
that the girl's crazy.

Oh, kind of like how you
never want to date a guy

With perfect fingernails?

Jerk nails. Exactly.

Well, did-did ted say whether
she was good-looking?

I mean, 'cause if
I knew she was ugly,

Then maybe I wouldn't
be so freaked out.

Uh, he didn't say,
but you can find out.

I think her name is chloe...

She works at cosa coffee
on 78th.

Phone call for swarles barkley?

Carl.

Hey, ted.
No, he's not here.

Good one, though...
Remember that one.

Is, um,

Chloe here?

She just left.

You can probably
still catch her.

She's easy to spot...
She's got a pink umbrella.

Oh, thanks, brian.

My name is scott.

Your tag says brian.

I know. Funny story.

So, I wake up
this morning, and...

Yeah, see you later, brian.

(thunder rumbling, rain falling)

Lily:
There she is.

She doesn't look that great.

She's not fat,
but that doesn't mean anything.

I know tons of skinny,
ugly women.

That's right, snotty girl
in my yoga class,

I'm talking to you.

Come on, chloe, turn around.

Here we go.
Turn around, chloe.

Come on, show me
that hideous face.

Damn it!

Ooh, I know,
I'll get ahead of her,

Then I'll cut back so I...

Aah!

Turn around!

Come on! Just turn around!

Okay, this is ridiculous.

(deep, gruff voice):
Hey!

Turn around!
What's the matter with you?

(deep voice):
Hey, you!

Turn around!

Turn around, chloe!

She's hot? I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine.

I-it just makes
things easier.

Now that I know she's
a threat, all I have to do

Is keep marshall from
ever seeing her again.

Okay, I have two plans...
You can help me choose.

Plan a... remember
that time marshall and I

Had sex in the bathroom?

Oops, I got knocked up.

Lily.

Okay, plan b

Is called "chloe's accident."

Just stop.
What?

Lily, you can't do
any of those things.

If you two are ever gonna
get back together,

You have to let him work out
whatever this is.

I know. You're right.

Now, come on, ted asked us
to be upstairs at 6:00.

Some surprise for barney.

Barney?

Uh, swarley.

Hey, guys.
Hey.

Hey. Where's marshall?

Oh, he's getting a haircut.

Oh. For his date.

Good for him.

Hope he has a good time tonight.

Relax, you've got nothing
to worry about.

The girl's crazy.

Thanks!
He'll just have

Wild monkey sex with her
five times, max,

And be done with her.

Thanks again.

(loud music plays)

What are you doing?

I just wanted to listen

To a little music, that's all.

Deejay: And this next one's
going out to swarley.

All your friends know
you miss barney,

But he's gone, and you got
to accept that, baby.

And, swarley, you're gonna be
a better woman for it.

Here's "I am woman"
by helen reddy.

♪ I am woman...

Ha-ha! Now I'm a woman.
I love it!

You know, I was thinking

About this whole new
name thing last night,

And you know what I realized?

I like it.

You like being called swarley?

Are you kidding?
I want you to call me that.

Do you really think
this is gonna work?

Do I think what's gonna work?

I'm just saying,
I love my new name,

So please only call me
that from now on.

Call you what?

You know,
that-that-that new name

That you've been calling me.

Say it.

Why? You guys know what it is.

Say the name.

(groans):
No, I don't want to!

I hate it! I hate it!

It's not funny!

It's never been funny!
I've never done any...

(screams):
No!

Man, he is really gonna lose it

When all the magazine
subscriptions start coming in.

I signed him up for
people in espanol,

But I addressed it to swarlos.
(laughing)

Hey, where's the picture
of marshall and me at the pier?

Didn't it used to be
by that window?

Oh, yeah, he, uh, he sort of
took it down when you left.

Put it behind
some books, I think.

Oh, well-well,
maybe I should put it back up.

Why, so chloe'll see it
and get scared off?

(laughs):
No.

So marshall'll see it
and feel guilty.

Yeah, okay.

Ted:
But she wasn't okay.

Later that night,
while marshall was on his date,

(key rattles in lock)
(glass breaks)

(gasps)

(door opens)

Anymore.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Wow, you really did
memorize all the lyrics

To "we didn't
start the fire."

(laughs):
Yeah.

Marshall:
Can I, uh, can I

Get you a drink?
I'd love a beer.

You got it.

Lily did what
any sensible woman would do.

And she stayed there,
listening to her ex-fiance

On a date with another woman.

Chloe: I had a really
nice time tonight.

Marshall: Yeah, me, too.
Stop blinking.

I like your eyes a lot, too.

Until, finally,
much like billy joel,

She couldn't take it anymore.

Stop!

Hi.

I'm lily.

Lily...

Lily, what the hell
are you doing?

I don't know. I...

I don't know...
What I'm doing.

Oh, pumpkin beer...
That was a good one.

I'm just...
I'm gonna go.

I... I'm so sorry.

En-enjoy the rest
of your date.

(door slams)

She seems nice.

(chuckles softly)

Lilly, what the hell...
I'm sorry.

I only snuck up there because...

When I saw how cute she was
yesterday, I freaked out.

Lily, you saw her yesterday?

Yeah, I...

Kind of chased her
down the street.

Wait, so you were
the hunchback with the limp?

Yeah.

And she didn't break
the picture, I did.

So chloe's not crazy, she's...

Just a nice, normal girl.

Yeah, she is.

And you deserve
a nice, normal girl.

So, why don't you just
go back up there

And-and finish your date.

Yeah.

(quietly):
Okay.

Okay.

(sighs)

Wait, if you were the hunchback,

Then why did she think
you were a guy?

I-I might have used a voice

(deep voice):
That sounded like this.

Why?

Because I didn't want her
to know it was me,

Which I now realize
doesn't make sense,

Because she hadn't even met me.

You're crazy.

(sniffles)

You have... Crazier eyes than
anybody that I have ever met.

Shouldn't you be
going back up...

I mean, you're out of your mind.

You're...
Just absolutely insane.

(soft laugh)

Shouldn't you be
going back upstairs?

I've missed you so much.

(exhales)

Okay, I ran it by the group,

And we decided we're gonna
give you a choice.

We will agree to stop
calling you swarley,

But instead, we'll
call you Jennifer.

Well?

I'm thinking.

How about this?
Mm-hmm?

On mondays, wednesdays
and fridays...

Hey.

Look at this.

That six months earlier
I had walked up and found

Marshall alone, crying
over his breakup with lily,

I found him again.

Only this time he wasn't alone,
and he was happy.

So we went to the bar
to celebrate, and it was great.

I was with robin, marshall
and lily were back together,

Until we got back
to the apartment.

Oh, my god.

Hey, chloe, I...

Guess I forgot I
left you up here.

I was gonna leave,
but I can't find my keys.

They're right there
on the coffee table.

(laughing)

Silly me.

I must have looked

Everywhere else.

Well... I'm just gonna go.

(clears throat)

Oh, I don't think we've met.

I'm chloe.

Robin.

It's nice to meet you, roland.

I'll see you guys later.

(nervous chuckle)

(chuckling):
Roland?

Your name's roland.

(laughs):
That's funny, right?

Rock and roland.

Warsaw is the capital of what?

Roland. (laughs)

You're monica roland-ski.

Hey, yeah,

That's just how I roland.

Nice try, swarley.
Damn it.

(over stereo):
♪ sometimes you want to go

♪ where everybody knows
your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad
you came... ♪