How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 6 - Aldrin Justice - full transcript

Ted: Kids, when you reach your
late 20s you might be surprised

To discover you still don't
have life quite figured out.

Like with aunt lily.

Even though she was back
from san francisco,

She was still on a quest
to find herself.

It's just that all I've ever
done is teach kindergarten.

I want to get out there
and change the world.

I want to find my passion.

And she did find it.

I'm going to be a life coach.

In fact, she found it
again and again.

I'm going to be
a marine biologist.

Slam poet.

Beekeeper!

Not a beekeeper.

Her newest lifelong dream?

Singing in a punk rock band.

What is she doing for money
through all this?

Uh, she's waiting tables
at big wave luau.

Wait, you mean
that hawaiian place

Where they wear those
embarrassing outfits?

No.

Here she comes.

Here she comes.

Welcome to big wave luau.

Can I tiki your drink order?

Oh, crap.

I'm sorry.

Barney:
Oh, hi, lily.

We were just
in the neighborhood,

Thought we'd get some lunch.

We didn't even know
you'd be here.

What do you want?

Whoa. I don't
think that's how

You're supposed to greet a
customer at big wave luau.

Aloha, island visitors.

The big wave brought you
to our humble luau.

For that, we thank you.

Or in my native tongue, mahalo.

(laughing)

I didn't catch your name.
Did you guys catch her name?

No.

My name is anuhea.

It means cool and fragrant,

Much like any of our
12 specialty drinks.

Robin, nothing to add?
No.

Lily is my friend and I'm
not going to make fun of her

For trying to follow her dreams.

Thank you.

Although, you might
want to bring out

The big hawaiian drum because I'm
pretty sure today's my birthday.

Birthday girl!

I have never needed beer
more than I do right now.

I thought you said your semester
was gonna be a piece of cake.

I remember because you were
eating a piece of cake

At the time and you said, "dude,
my semester is gonna be this."

Yeah, well, it was
supposed to be,

But my professor's like the
toughest grader I've ever seen.

She had like a bad divorce
this summer

And now she's taking it out
on us.

To tell you the truth, I think
she just needs to get laid.

Really?
Laid, you say?

You wouldn't be into her.

She's, like, in her late 40s.
She hot?

Yeah, I guess she's kind
of hot, yeah.

And she's looking
for some action.

Sounds to me
like she could be a cougar.

A what?

A cougar.

An older woman,
usually in her 40s or 50s,

Single and on the prowl
for a younger man.

What's a woman in her
60s or 70s... a turtle?

Marshall, I've thought it over
and I accept your challenge.

I didn't challenge you
to have sex with my...

Tomorrow, the cougar
hunt begins.

So, I quit my job.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

Approximately 50 times a day,
some guy asks me for a lei.

Classic.

Ted, didn't you tell me

They need a new assistant
in your office?

Yeah.

Somebody did just quit.

So, where should we eat today?

Oh, awesome, you brought lunch
for everyone?

Dude, that is
cold-blooded.

It was an honest mistake.

Look, when somebody opens
up a container

With an entire chicken in it,

It's okay to assume they made
lunch for everyone.

Ted, that girl didn't quit.
You destroyed her.

It was an whole chicken.

And did I mention
she had 12 sides?

Oh, now you're gonna
bash her figure.

Real classy, ted.

So, lily, what do you say?
Do you want the job?

What would I be doing?

Basically, you're sort
of a general office assistant.

You'll sit there.

My station is right over here.

And things are a little
bit crazy right now

'cause we're pitching a new
building to a big client.

Oh, right, is that the...?
Yeah.

Here's the model.

You weren't kidding.

It really does look
like a giant penis.

I know.

For whatever reason, mr.
Druthers just doesn't see it.

How can he not see it?

I mean there's the...
I know.

And the way it...
I know.

And the two little...
I know.

Wow, it is just...

Spectacular?
Why, thank you.

Lily, this is
mr. Druthers,

The head architect
on the project.

Lily's going to be
our new office assistant.

Ah.
Nice to meet you.

Ted, I looked at your design
for the penthouse balcony.

Tell me, do you want
to be an architect?

I, uh...
I am an architect.

Really?

Well, my six-year-old
nephew plays with legos.

Is he an architect?

Not unless he somehow passed
all his licensing exams.

Ted, you've got promise,

But you have to study
what I do more carefully.

Now I want you

To design some styrofoam trees
for the building model.

Think you can handle that?

Absolutely.

So you're going to design the...

Styrofoam trees.

Once again... with feeling.

Styrofoam trees.

Styrofoam trees!

Styrofoam trees!

That's the spirit.

Now, gather 'round.

This isn't just
about trees, ted.

This is about life.

And sometimes in life,

You have to get the trees
just right or you're fired, hmm?

Man, that guy is
a total, well...

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

That's professor lewis's
office there.

Okay, let's take a look.

Oh, yeah, it's
a cougar all right.

A prime specimen.

See, you can identify a cougar
by a few key characteristics.

Start with the hair.

The cougar keeps up
with current hairstyles

As a form of camouflage.

The prey may not realize
that he's engaged a cougar

Until he's already
being dragged, helpless,

Back to her lair.

Now, the blouse.

The cougar displays
maximum cleavage possible

To captivate her prey.

If you're watching them bounce,
she's about to pounce.

And see the claws?

Long and sharp,

To ward off rival females...

Or open alimony checks.

Yeah, this one's a beaut.

Okay,

Let the hunt begin.

No, wait.

I'm not so sure I'm comfortable

With you hunting my
constitutional law professor.

Who do you rather have
grading your papers...

A savage, man-eating jungle cat,

Or a purring, satisfied kitty?

Go, barney.

Go mount and stuff that cougar.

(with italian accent):
Scusi,

I am luigi,
italian exchange student.

I was, uh,

Walking to class,
but then I noticed you...

Bella principessa...

Tell me what you
want or get out.

(normal voice):
Direct.

I like that.

The name's barney.

What I want... Is you.

Turn around.

My place. Two hours.

Don't be tardy.

I can't believe how
mr. Druthers treats people.

And that building?

Talk about overcompensating.

He's not usually this bad.

It's just that the partners
have made it very clear

This project is
make or break for us,

So lately he's been
a little testy.

You know what I mean...
Crotchety.

(laughing)

I'm just saying, it's
been hard on him.

Okay. All right, stop.

Did you show lily your design?
No.

What design?

It's nothing.
It's fantastic.

Just for fun, ted's been working
on his own design,

And it doesn't look at all
like male genitalia.

At least, not
healthy male genitalia.

Ted, you should pitch
your building to druthers.

Are you kidding?
He's hammond druthers.

He's a legend.

I'm just part of his team.

This building is
huge for the firm,

So it's really important
we don't blow it.

(laughing)

All right, enough.

(panting):
Oh, my god.

Incredible.

Hmm... C-minus.

C-minus?

What are you talking about?

I just pulled
an all-nighter!

You didn't budget
your time well,

You glossed over some of
the most important points,

And your oral presentation
was sloppy and inconclusive.

Mr. Druthers asked if you
were making the trees

Or waiting for them
to sprout on their own.

Then he stared at me
until I laughed.

Okay, I'm done.

Great. I'll put the paints away.
You just go show him.

Great. Thanks.

Oh, finally.

I wondered whether
you were making the trees

Or waiting for them
to sprout on their own.

(laughing):
Good one, sir.

Anyway, here they are.

Hmm.

Too green.

Too green?

Yes, the leaves should really be
more of a natural brown color.

Almost brunette.

And think bushier.

I want this tower to rise

From a thicket of wild,
ungroomed, brunette shrubbery.

Can you picture it, ted?

I can't un-picture it.

Good.

Oh, my god.

It's gone!

What? What's gone?

My baseball, signed three times
by pete rose.

Well, it's got to be around
here somewhere.

What do you think, ted,

It just let itself out of its
plastic case and rolled away?

Somebody stole it.

Well, um, I better get back
to these styrofoam trees.

Oh, who cares about the trees?

It's just busy work to make you
feel like you're contributing.

Inspiring as always, sir.

Lily?

Where'd she put those paints?

Hey.
Hey.

Um, lily, question for you.

Why did I find
mr. Druthers' baseball,

Signed three times by pete rose,
in your desk drawer?

That's easy. I took it.

Why?

It's simple.

I can't believe there's no
horseradish for the roast beef.

I guess you were sick the day they
taught that at sandwich university.

Mother, no one from the nursing
home is stealing from you.

I didn't get you
a birthday present.

What? You gonna cry?

Huh? Little crybaby's
going to cry?

Hey, everybody, look!

The little crybaby's gonna cry!

(pretending to cry)

I lost my ice cream!

Okay, I may have exaggerated
that last one,

But the point is, he was mean.

And that's why
I took away his ball.

What does his ball
have to do with anything?

Druthers has to be taught
he can't behave like that.

When I was teaching

Kindergarten,
whenever a kid was mean,

I would take away
one of his toys.

The kid would be upset at first,

But then he'd learn
to stop being mean.

Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Lily stole my boss' baseball,

Signed three times by pete rose.

Why? Was he being mean?

You know about this?

Yeah. It's her own
personal form of justice.

Did you tell him about
that time at the gap?

Ooh, that was a good one.

This sales guy
was rude to robin,

So I took a pair of khakis.

I gave them to you
for your birthday.

So I've been walking
around in stolen khakis?

I prefer
to call them "justice khakis."

That's not justice.

It's shoplifting,
and it's a crime.

Lily, your little system
doesn't even make sense.

In kindergarten, the kid knew
why he was being punished.

Druthers just thinks
someone stole his ball.

Well, that's why I left a note.

A note?

Yeah. When he finds it,

He'll understand why
his ball was taken away,

He'll stop being mean,

And the office
will be a nicer place to work.

Maybe he'll even be open
to hearing your ideas.

Look, lil, we're all tolerating

This prolonged nervous breakdown
you're clearly having,

With the punk band and the
beekeeping and the petty larceny,

But this is my career
you're messing with.

I'm not sure I like your tone.

You know what?
Now you just lost the ball.

Hey.

I'd ask you how last night went,
but we had a pop quiz today.

Nobody got higher
than a c-minus.

I know, I know.

You claim to have so much sex.

I only assumed
you'd be good at it.

Look, I miscalculated.

I thought she'd be old and
fragile, like most cougars.

But kitty's got claws.

Don't worry though.

Tonight, I'm seeing her again.

Just let it go, man.

You're making things worse.

I promise you, after tonight,

That cougar will be my pet,

And I its master.

I think I'm falling
in love with you.

Oh, god. That wasn't
your first time, was it?

Although that
would explain a lot.

What? No.
We had sex yesterday.

Oh, right. That.

Well, you had sex yesterday.

I revised my syllabus
for the spring semester.

When druthers goes
to get his bagel,

I'll go in, grab the note,
put the ball back.

If something goes wrong,
yell out, "who wants espresso?"

So I'll know he's coming.

Got it? Okay,
now give me the ball.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I mean I stand
by what I did, ted.

Come on, lily.
We're running out of time.

Everybody get in here now!

Who wants espresso?

Now, as most of you know,

My pete rose, pete rose, pete
rose baseball has been stolen.

Well, I just found this note.

"Dear mr. Druthers,
I, your baseball, am leaving.

"Maybe, if you start
being nice, I'll come back.

"If not, other things in your
office may follow my lead.

"In fact, I overheard
your ipod talking,

And he may shuffle
off at any minute."

Normally,

I would scream at everyone
until my voice goes,

But maybe that's
the wrong reaction here.

Interesting.

Instead, I'm giving my baseball
until the end of the day

To decide he's homesick,
or tomorrow morning,

I'll begin firing
three people an hour.

And, if the thief
doesn't believe me,

Well, then, you are gambling
more than pete rose...

Major league baseball's
all-time hit leader,

A man whose absence from
the hall of fame is a travesty

To the entire sports world...

Ever "allegedly" did!

Wow. Looks like
bye-bye, ipod.

Give him his ball
back right now.

People are going to get fired.

No, they're not.

It's just a tantrum, ted.

I saw this in
kindergarten all the time.

This isn't kindergarten.

Mr. Druthers
is an adult,

And he wants his ball back.

All right, I'll give it back
if you show him your plans.

No. You'll give it back
or you're fired.

I'm sorry, ted.
I just can't do that.

Then you're fired.

Fine.

Here's the ball.

At least you have one now.

Dude, you're killing me.

You didn't tame the cougar.

You just made her angrier.

Do you not see the powerbar
in my hand?

I'm fueling up.

So you're going back over there?

Oh, yeah. And tonight,
just like john mellencamp,

I am going to get rid of
the "cougar" once and for all.

Get it?

'Cause that's what he did
with his name.

I can't stop thinking about you.

Please give me another chance.

Barney, I teach all day.

It's the last thing I want to do
when I get home.

But you don't understand.

See, I've been going easy
on you, holding back,

'cause I was afraid
you'd break a hip or something.

But, this time, no mercy.

I don't care how long it takes...
Days, weeks, half a year.

(sighs):
Fine.

Come in. You can start

While I finish
grading some papers.

Hurry up.
Clients will be here any moment.

Now, slide it closer
to his chair.

I want this thing to really
smack him in the face.

Mr. Druthers, thank you again
for understanding about lily.

Oh. Well, I pity her.

I mean, to steal from my office

And then write
that slanderous note...

You might say that
lily was mentally deranged.

You might say that, ted.

Lily was mentally deranged.

You might even say it loud
enough for everyone to hear.

Lily was mentally deranged!

Oh! That's a bit harsh,
don't you think, ted?

The clients are here.

Excellent. Bring them in.

Our client was a major bank

And financial services
company in spokane.

That still captured
the distinct flavor

And history of the northwest.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

The spokane
national bank building.

That's a penis!

That's... That's ridiculous.

There's no way

This majestic tower
can be confused

With the male organ of love.

We're not building a penis.

You got any other ideas?

Other ideas?

You said you wanted
hammond druthers.

This is hammond druthers.

Well, hats off
to your ladyfriends,

But I'm not building it.

We're done here.

The trajectory
of my entire career

Had I not unwittingly worn
my justice khakis that day.

Wait!

We have one more idea for you.

Ted, what are you doing?

I have another design.

Sit down, shut up, right now.

No.

♪ Thank you for the invitation

♪ she showed me very nice...

To ted! The youngest person
to ever design a building

Over 70 stories, probably!

All:
Probably!

Congrats, ted.

Hey, thanks for telling me

To stand up to druthers
and pitch my idea.

Seriously, none of this would have
happened if it weren't for you.

Oh. You know what, ted?

That was very nice.

You have earned
these screws back.

Don't sit in your desk chair
until you've put them back in.

Hey, I'm project manager now,

So, if you want
your old job back...

No, thanks.

I think I figured out what
I want to be when I grow up.

♪ Check the score...

Casey, that's not
how we treat people.

You'll get this back
when you learn to be nice.

♪ We're number one

♪ ...Back where you're from

♪ wrote this to
suit everybody's... ♪

Barney! Oh, my god!

What happened?

He broke his hip.

That's not true.

It's just temporarily
dislocated.

Seriously, I'm fine.

No, he's not fine.

Professor lewis, hi.

Mr. Eriksen. Hello.
I graded your paper tonight.

I was pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, she was.

B-plus.

B-plus?!

Marshall,
after I've gone through

My eight weeks
of physical therapy,

I am going to get you that "a"!

Let her go.

She belongs out there,
in the wild.

You should feel proud.

You fought the cougar and lived.

It was an amazing safari.

I can't wait
to show you guys the slides.