How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 8 - Atlantic City - full transcript

Ted:
And so, after six months apart,

Aunt lily and uncle marshall
were finally back together.

Oh, my god.

These pancakes are delicious!

Yes. Thank you.

Um, I learned how to cook
while you were gone this summer.

Oh. Do you want
to cook dinner tonight?

Yeah, sure.

(chuckles)

How about pancakes?

And things were
back to normal... Almost.

You may not have much range,
but at least I'm marrying a guy

Who knows how to make pancakes.

Oh, um...

I mean, um...

Well, I realize

That we haven't really discussed

Whether us getting back together

Means us getting married, but...

I still wanna.

Do you still wanna?

Really?

(chuckles)
of course, I love you.

No, I mean, that's how
you're gonna do it?

"Do you still wanna?"

That's like
the lamest proposal ever.

When I did it,

I got down on my knees...

I don't know, I'm just saying.

Marshall eriksen, will you ma...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What?! You can't lead with that.

You got to...

Build up to that.

You got to have, like,
a little speech.

Do you remember
your proposal to me?

I had a speech prepared.

What do you want to hear?

I don't know.

I mean, you could tell me,
like, about how good-looking

And funny and smart I am

And I've been
working out lately.

It might be nice for you to
mention something... About that.

Hmm.

Marshall,
you are good-looking...

Thank you.

You're funny.
Oh, thanks.

You're smart.

And a few tears wouldn't hurt.

Okay, would you freakin'
marry me already?

Of course I'll marry you.

Of course.

But, um, until you see
a ring on this finger,

Don't expect me to put out.

Yeah, right.

(sighs)

(sighs)

I'll give you this.

That was a very
creative use of syrup.

(chuckles)

I can't even look mrs.
Butterworth in the eye.

Oh, my god.

We're getting married!

I know, I know.

(both moan)

Ted:
It was a moment of happiness,

Followed of course
by a moment of total panic.

See, when they called off
their first wedding,

Aunt lily took off
for san francisco

Leaving uncle marshall
with the unfortunate task

Of telling his entire family.

Yeah, so now she's gone
and the wedding's off.

What do you call someone

Who just takes off
and leaves like that?

What do you call that?

I think that that's
a little strong.

I can't even believe

You would use a word like that.

Geez, grandma.

Man, I made a big mess

By canceling this wedding,
didn't I?

It's okay, baby.

You're not just realizing
that now, are you?

God, the idea of standing

Up there in front of all
those people who hate my guts...

Just makes me want to run off
to atlantic city

And get married today.

(chuckling):
Yeah.

Coming up at 11:00:

Are there piranhas
in the east river?

What you don't know...
Could eat you.

Robin! Stop the news!

What the hell?
It's okay. They're my friends.

We're going to
atlantic city to elope.

You got to come with us.

Oh, my god,
that is so fantastic!

I-I don't know
if I can just leave work.

It's okay; mike can read
the news tonight.

Hey, mike...
You can read, right?

Yeah, I'm the best at reading.

Let's go to atlantic city!

Yeah!
Yeah!

You guys are eloping!

Oh, that's fantastic.

Wait, is this because
there's a time crunch

Uncle ted should know about?

I hope not because I plan
on getting hammered.

Guys, this sounds like
so much fun,

But I can't really
take off work.

I'm kind of important
around here, you know?

I'm the project manager.

Ted, for the rest of our lives,

We are going to be telling
the amazing story

Of how we went to atlantic city
and got married.

Don't you want to be
in that story?

Of course I do.

Let's go to atlantic city!

Yeah! Yeah! Oh, but
when we tell the story,

Can you leave out the part
where I hesitate?

You got it.

Hey, guys.

Wow. A pedicure.

Uh, if there were any shame
in a dude getting a pedicure,

I don't think there would have
been a feature

About it in details magazine.

We're going to atlantic city
to elope right now!

Oh, congratulations, lily.

Marshall,
you're getting married?

What the hell?

So are you in or not?

Hell, yeah, I'm in!

Just... I'm almost done.

No, we got to get
going to the...

Well, actually, I mean...

It is my wedding day,
and since we're here...

Ted: So we all got a pedicure
and then headed down...

To atlantic city.

(marshall laughing)

Wow.
Look at this place.

I guess I'll have my pick
of something old.

And something blue.

Somebody should really
check on this lady.

Ah, a.C.,
always in decline,

Never hitting bottom.

It's good to be back,
old friend.

You been here before?

Oh, uh, once or twice.

Man:
Barney!

(speaking mandarin)

Ah, good to see you, too.

Three times, maybe.

The wedding chapel...
This is it.

Are you ready to do this?

I'm ready.

Let's get married. Ted: Yeah.

Oh, crap.

I don't have a veil.

I'm a bride; I can't
get married without a veil.

And a bouquet.

I need a veil and a bouquet.

Oh, my god,
we're getting married.

Robin:
Don't worry. Relax.

We'll get you a veil, honey.

Oh, robin,
that's a really cute outfit.

Oh, really? Thanks.

Yeah, it has to go.
I'm the bride; you can't look

Better than me.
Done.

I'm going to get the bouquet.

You guys get the veil.

We'll meet in the chapel
in 20 minutes.

Ready, break.

You guys want to go gamble?

No, we got to go get the veil.

Or we looked everywhere,
and we couldn't find one.

Yeah, okay.

No, you guys go ahead.

I'm going to find the veil.

So this is it, right?

The last 20 minutes
of your single life.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

Thanks.
How are you feeling?

Great, a little nervous.
Yeah? Craps?

Not that nervous. No, I mean
do you want to play craps.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Okay, I got the veil.

She wasn't ready to be married.

All right,
let's talk bachelor party.

Are we thinking
full-on strip club,

Or should we rent a room

And have a private toy show...
Whew.

What did you just say?

Barney, no.

Marshall, I'm your best man.

You're not my best man.
Right here.

And as your best man, I have
to throw you a bachelor party.

That's part of being
a best friend.

You're not my best friend.
Right here.

Barney, I don't have any time
for a bachelor party.

I've got, like, 18 minutes.

18 minutes.

Oh, good.
Did you get the veil?

Of course.

And it took us
exactly 18 minutes.

We went to a strip club.

Dude!
Unbelievable!

We weren't there for very long.

It's not like I had time to have
a lap dance or anything.

I got a lap dance.
You...!

Aw, your last lap dance ever.

(chuckling):
Right... What?

Okay, I'm here.

Right?
Ooh.

Oh, god, the things people
waste money on in atlantic city.

Does it smell like
strippers in here?

That's weird, right?

Marshall and lily
are getting married!

Yeah. Whoo! Hell,
yeah, look at this.

(bouquet playing
"wedding March")

Oh, baby, this is it.

Let's do this thing.

All right.
All right.

Hi.

We're here to get married.

(dryly):
Congratulations.

We offer a variety of packages
to give you the special day

You've always dreamed about.

We don't want any of that.

Just your basic quickie
wedding will be fine.

Yeah.
("wedding March" playing)

You know
this isn't vegas, right?

Robin:
Well, sure.

In vegas, the casinos
pump in oxygen.

Here, it looks like
everyone brought their own.

What?

It also takes three days

To get a marriage license
in new jersey.

The earliest
I could book you for is Monday.

No, no, no, it has to be today.

That's the whole point.

Look, I don't know what to say,

But if you guys don't want
to book a wedding for Monday

Or play a round of keno,
I can't help you.

Thirty-five.

Wait, wait, wait,
I don't understand.

People get married
in atlantic city all the time.

Yes, they do,
but they don't elope.

They choose atlantic city
for its white-sand beaches,

World-class amenities,
and exotic riviera feel.

Have you been outside?

There is half an orca whale

Rotting not 20 feet
from the cabana.

You guys, take it easy, guys.

Are you sure about this?

About the marriage laws
of the state

Where I work
in a wedding chapel?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Bright side:
The bachelor party continues!

Yes!

Continues? You mean "start."
he means "start."

We went to a strip club.

Twenty-seven.

Is there any way that we
could get a license today?

You could go to the courthouse.

In some extreme circumstances,
the waiting period

Can be waived, but you have
to have a good reason.

Well, we're in love.

What better reason
could there be?

The last one I heard was,
"I'm going to iraq tomorrow

"To defend my country," but,
you know, give yours a whirl.

Ted:
So, we went to the courthouse.

God, this is taking forever.

Can't believe
they're getting married.

I know.

I am so proud of these two.

After all they've been through.

In fact, that crazy
road has led them

All the way here
to atlantic city.

Ted, up here.

Huh?

You were just staring
at my shirt boobs.

No! I wasn't.

I-I was checking
out the hot bod

Underneath the shirt.

Okay, look, maybe I was
looking at your shirt,

But it's a, it's a
funny, funny shirt.

Hey, it's barney!

Barney!
Hi.

(speaking mandarin)

Suit up.

Legend.

Daddy.

Ah!
American daddy.

What the hell was that?

A... Chinese guy?

Hi. Hello.

Uh, we need a marriage license,

But we need to skip
the waiting period because...

We're in love.

Aw. I'm gonna waive

This waiting period right now.

Oh, really?!

Is what I would say if I could
waive the waiting period,

But, unfortunately,
only a judge can do that.

Oh. Well, so can
we see a judge?

Absolutely.

Really?!

Is what I would say
if there was any chance

Of you seeing a judge today,
which there isn't.

Why are you doing this to us?!

'Cause you're on candid camera!

Really?!

Is what I would say...

You know what?
We get it.

Okay, this is a good plan b.

Judges are people.

People go to the bathroom. A judge
is bound to come by eventually,

And we'll get married.

I'm sure we won't
be waiting long.

Geez, you go to a vending
machine for 30 seconds.

Vultures.

Psst.

What?

Here?

Yeah. Got a little
time to kill.

Oh, my god, it's
the t-shirt, isn't it?

No.

A little.

Something is seriously
wrong with you.

So what, is that a no?

All right, let's do it.

All right. Um, also...?

Yes, I'll leave it on.

Sweet.

Guys, let's bail.

This is never gonna happen.
Look,

I know this turning
into a bit of a disaster,

But believe me, it's better
than the alternative.

You throwing a big, free party

With lots of booze and
food and all your single,

Desperate girlfriends
from college?

Yeah, glad we
dodged that bullet.

(gasps): Judge! Judge, come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

(tape plays "wedding March")

Turn it off.
Okay.

May we please get married today?

Now, normally I would say no

To a request like that,
but you two impress me.

Hmm, just the fact that you've

Been together for ten years,

Standing by each other's side
through thick and thin,

Never wavering.

What was that?

What was what?

That little look.
What was that?

A look of love.
Mmm.

You two have stood together

Through thick and thin, right?

You know, man, listen,
yeah, I mean,

What's thick, what's thin?
All... Yeah.

I have.

All right, what was that look?

What's going on?

They broke up over the summer.

Lily totally ran off
to san francisco

And these two just
had sex in the closet.

What? We're under oath.

No, we're not.

Yeah, we are.

He's a judge.

Wh... did we
take an oath?

Do you even know
what an oath is?

Uh, yeah.

Courthouse. Oath.
We're under it.

Guys.

It's looking like
this isn't gonna happen.

No, marshall, we are
gonna get married today.

Baby, anyplace we go, we're
gonna need a marriage license.

Except international waters.

So-so let's find
a ship captain.

A ship captain can marry us.

There's boats
all over this place.

Oh, is that what
those wooden things are

Floating between the garbage?

This is a great idea.

This is gonna work.
Let's go.

Excuse me.

Are you a ship captain?

This is my machine.

I should go talk to her.

No, let me.

Blackjack?
Yeah.

Well, I found a guy
who said he'd be willing

To put his boat in my slip,
so we're getting closer.

Okay, lil,

Why is it so important
to do this today?

Because...

If we don't do it today, I just
know we're gonna wind up

Having a huge wedding
with a huge crowd

Full of huge midwestern people

Looking all disapproving
and judging me

While sipping little
cups of mayonnaise

And-and cracking runaway
bride jokes all night long.

Nobody's gonna do that.

No, they're not because

I'm not gonna
give them the chance.

I'm gonna find a ship captain

And we're gonna
be married tonight.

Sweetie, this is crazy.

You're never gonna find a ship capt...
Hey, lily.

Found a ship captain.
What?

Yeah. First guy
we talked to.

Ship captain.

How great is that?

See? See, this
is destiny.

So, captain, can you take us out

To international waters
and marry us?

I sure can. If there's
two things I love,

It's bringing people
together in marriage

And making $5,000.

What?
Deal.

$5,000, okay, we can do that.
Come on, everybody.

Fork over your cash.
Don't think.

Just do it.

I can get us that money.
How?

Have you noticed
that all day today

Chinese guys have been
coming up and saying hi to me?

Yes. Have you noticed
I haven't asked about it

Because I'm too scared
of the answer?

Well, those are
my old gambling buddies.

Truth is... I used to come
here all the time.

Play an old chinese game called

"shing hasabu shing".

Had a small gambling problem.

Actually, it wasn't so small.

I... Kind of lost
my entire life savings.

But tonight, I don't know,
I'm feeling hot.

I think I can win us that money.

No, we're not letting you gamble

All our money away.

Uh, it's not gambling

If you absolutely know
you're going to win.

I'll get us that money.

I swear it... nay...

I oath it.

Now, I had been to a lot

Of casinos before that night,
and I've been to a lot

Of casinos since,

But in all that time
I've never seen a game

Quite like this one.

To this day, I have no idea
how it was played.

But luckily, barney did.

(speaking chinese)

Do you understand
what's happening?

Not a clue.

(speaking chinese)

(shouts)

Do you think he's winning?

I don't even know
if he's playing.

Wait, I get it.
I understand this game.

No, you don't.

I totally understand
the game, theodore.

Barney, split your tiles.

You can triple your money
if you find the jellybean.

Marshall, please.

Don't you think
I know what I'm...

My god, you're right.

(speaks chinese)

(players speaking chinese)

(speaks chinese)

(screaming excitedly)

Wow.

It's beautiful.

Thanks, barney.
Did you guys see me?

I was on fire tonight.

Man, I can't wait
to get back to the shore.

God, I love gambling!

When we get home, we're gonna go

To a little meeting. Okay?

Why can't I do it just a little?

Okay.

Let's get this started.

All right.

Okay, uh...

You guys want the serious one
or the funny one?

Oh, I think... Serious
would be best.

You sure?

I got a lot of great
nautical jokes in there.

Like how you two float each
other's boat, stuff like that.

Yeah, serious is probably good.

All right.

"We stand witness today

"to celebrate the union of lily

"and marshall.

"Today, you two will become one,

"sharing your lives,

"the happiness, the sadness,

The frustrations
and the joy..."

This is pretty cool.

I can't believe you
never want to get married.

I never said "never."

"...To declare your love

"and devotion to each other

"in front of friends and family,

All the people
who matter most to you."

What was that?

What was what?

That little look.

You two just shared a look.

We don't want to do this.

We don't.

Are you kidding me?

You guys are calling off
another wedding?

After I spent all this money

On a bridesmaid shirt?

Did I bet someone
that they'd call it off?

I did, didn't I?
Who'd I bet?

You actually expect
any of us are gonna

Come to your third wedding?

Yes. 'cause it's
gonna be amazing.

Look, before I was afraid

To face marshall's family
and-and I didn't

Want to do all that work,

But now that we're here...

I realize that I have
to face marshall's family

And I really want
to do all that work.

So do I.

And yeah...

My family might still
be upset with you.

But when they see us up there,

They're gonna see
how much we love each other

And none of that
other stuff is gonna matter.

I love you, marshmallow.

I love you, too, lily pad.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

What?!
What?!

What, is that not right?

Are... We married?

Did you just marry us?
Weren't you listening?

We don't want to be married.

Uh... I-I suppose

I could unpronounce you.

Both: Unpronounce us.
Unpronounce us!

All right, I unpronounce
you man and wife.

Oh, whew...
That was close.

Uncle marshall and aunt lily
got married for 12 seconds

Somewhere off the coast
of atlantic city.

(tv playing low)

Hey, guys. Both: Hey.

Ted.
Ted.

Is robin here?

Man, I hope so.