How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 10 - Single Stamina - full transcript

Kids, there's nothing more wonderful
than New York City in the winter

... except the view of New York City

in the winter
through your apartment window.

In the winter of 2006,

Marshall, Lily,
Robin and I were all deep

in couple hibernation mode.

Sadly, this left Uncle Barney
out in the cold.

Okay.

All-night rave,

abandoned tire factory
in Newark.

We're on the list. Who's in?

-Nope.
-No.

Private jet.

Teeterboro Airport,

skinny-skydiving.
Who's in?

-Nope.
-No, thanks.

One beer.

Bar, downstairs,

15 second walk. Who's in?

Shh...

(whispering):
Lily went sleepy-bye.

It got so bad, Barney

tried to be his own wingman.
Hi.

Have you met me?

Finally, he decided
to bring in reinforcements.

ALL:
No.

Yes. And do you know why?

Hang on to your bedsores,
grandparents from Willy Wonka,

because guess who's

on his way up
to this apartment right now?

My... wait for it...

brother, James. React.

ALL:
Hey!

You have a brother?

Yeah. He's the "awesome-est,"

most best "looking-est,"

greatest guy ever.

He's exactly like Barney.

That's what I just said.

Well, Barney and his brother
aren't exactly alike.

James is gay.

Really?

I never in a million years

would I picture you with a gay brother,
that's awesome.

Yeah. I just wanted you

to have a heads up,
so you don't

act all surprised
when he gets here.

Okay. Here he is.

What up, New York.

Thanks for the heads up.

we did it never come up

that Barney has a gay, black brother?

Is he black?

I guess I'm the kind
of person that focuses

on who people are
on the inside

rather than the color
of their skin.

I'm kidding, I just
wanted to see your face.

Yeah, so now the
wedding's back on.

Anyway, James,
how have you been?

Awesome, as per "yoozh."

I just went
skinny-skydiving.

Legendary.

And my laser tag team,

just made it to
regional finals.

"Legendarier."

And by now you've

noticed the suit--
go 'head, touch it.

Handcrafted
by Pietro Dellacamera,

Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor

who upon completing
the very last stitch in this suit

dropped dead,

which is ironic because that is how
gorgeous look in it. C'mon.

Gimme five.

Is "gimme five" back?
Oh, yeah.

I put it in my
blog this morning.

Guys, "gimme five" is back!

-Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin.
-Hey.

-It's so nice to meet you.
-You, too.

So, I have to ask,
there's a story here.

BOTH (snickering):
Please.

The truth is, Barney and James
got a lot of...

different explanations
from their mom over the years.

Well, boys, you look different

because when I was
pregnant with you,

I only ate
vanilla ice cream.

And when I was
pregnant with you,

can you guess what kind
of ice cream I ate?

Coffee?
No, James,

I ate chocolate ice cream.

But I did drink tons of coffee

when I was pregnant
with both of you.

Can't smoke without my coffee.

I don't know, boys, I guess
it's just one of those things.

Stop asking me!

You know what
you two are?

You're little racists!

So what are you guys
gonna do tonight?

I'll tell you
what James is gonna do.

He's gonna do the job
you've been neglecting.

And, as always,
he'll do it

a lot better
than you ever did.

Ted...

James is my wingman now.

Okay.

Last time James was in town,

Barney got slapped once,

lucky twice, and...

whose penthouse hot tub
did you end up in?

Ah, public figure,
confidentiality agreement.

But I will say this:

way more back hair than any guy

who can afford laser hair
removal should have.

And then there was the time they..

scored the brother/sister combo.

It was everything we ever dreamed
of when watching

Donnie and Marie.

She was a little bit country.

He was a little bit
way into black guys.

Yeah, Barney and James together
was a lethal combination.

Since there was never
any crossover in targets,

James was always there
for Barney with the assist.

(mimics skidding):
Whoa.

Your scarf...

it is fierce!

Thanks. H & M.

What? I would never know,

'cause it is so hot
that my eyes are melting.

Oh, I can't see.

Hey! You know,
speaking of things

that would look good
wrapped around you,

have you met my straight
brother, Barney?

Oh, he is fab--
don't you go nowhere--

"ulous." Okay?

And Barney always returned
the favor.

Help, I don't think
he's breathing.

Does anyone know
mouth-to-mouth?

Oh, my God, I do!

Okay, great. How
'bout you instead?

Oh, man, I am so
excited that you're here!

It has been forever
since I have been around

anyone even remotely fun.

Uh, yes offense.

You guys are still going out
with us tonight, right?

No.

Jammies.
I don't think so.

Tonight? It's after 9:00, and...

I have warm soup belly.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys...

you are young,
attractive people here

in the greatest city on earth.

There are boys and girls

in Nobody Cares, Wyoming,
wishing they could be here.

But instead, they are
in someone's basement

drinking bad malt liquor,
debating

whether or not they're going
to spend their Saturday night

in the parking lot
of the feed store

or in some other dude's
basement.

You owe it to them

to rise up and shimmy
your lazy asses

into something hot,
and you go out there

and you live their dream!

Can I get a "hell, yeah"?

Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah!

-Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
-Hell, yeah!

-Can I get a "woo-woo"?
-Woo-woo!

Go do it for Wyoming!

(excited screams)
Yes!

Testify!

So that night,
Barney got his wish.

We all went out.

Daddy's home!

Yeah.

All right, bro.
What do you like?

Guy in super
tight black T?

Super tight black guy?

Guy who looks like Mr. T?

Mmm, yes, yes, and...

talk to me
after two martinis.

Let's focus on you, my man.

I'm feeling lazy.

How about girl with
the chocolatini?

Oh... boom, back tattoo.

Hero and the pig?
Let's ride.

Fo' 'sho.

Damn baby,
nice tramp stamp!

Get off me, you pig!

Hey! Her body art

is not an invitation
to grope her,

it's an expression
of her inner self.

I'm sure, in many ways, she is

the dolphin encircled
by flowers.

What? What?
What? What?

Cool.

-Let me know if he bothers you again.
-Thanks.

You should stay close...

just in case.

Sure. If it'll make
you feel safer.

I'm Barney.

Now, kids, when you're out
at a noisy, crowded bar,

you can always tell
the difference between the singles

and the couples.

You just have to look
for the signs.

Break.
Boiling hot.

Singles stay on their feet
for maneuverability.

Hey!
Hi, how are ya?

BOTH:
Have you met my brother?

Oh, hello.
Have a drink.

Nice to meet ya.

Couples, exhausted by the sheer act
of leaving the house,

are obsessed with finding
a place to sit down.

There are a lot of other
indicators, too.

From choice
of social lubricant...

Woo!
Wow!

...to basic body language.

But the point is,

there are many ways to tell
whether someone has Single Stamina

or Couples Coma.

I wish I would've worn sneakers.

I just got finished running
from some fat, hairy guy

who was periscoping
out of his pleather pants.

Permission
to come aboard denied.

I miss my jammies.

I can't believe I
wore a bra for this.

Bras suck. They're so
confining and unnatural.

Yeah, they're like
a boobie zoo.

Well, why don't you take it off then

and let those puppies breathe?

Oh, please go sweat
on someone else.

Poor guy.

Poor guy?
Poor my boobs.

Well, it takes a lot
of guts to approach

a girl and you
just crushed him.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks
all broken up inside.

Whatever, you guys have no idea
what it's like to be on the receiving end.

"Oh, poor me.

I'm a pretty girl and

everybody everywhere
wants to buy me

drinks and have
sex with me."

Waa.

"Oh, poor me. I get
to order yummy, pink drinks

"with chunks of real fruit
that guys secretly like,

but can't order because
they'll be made fun of."

Dude.
They're delicious!

Excuse me. Join me in a shot?

Oh, no thanks. I've had enough.

He's too in shape,

we'd spend all night talking about
his body fat content.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go have

a yummy, pink drink
with fruit in it...

because I can.

You know, that was,
like, the third hot guy

that James
blew off tonight.

Yeah, he's turning
down shots,

he's yawning, he's
whining about his feet.

He's as bad as we are.

He is.

Wait, he's exactly
as bad as we are.

You guys don't think
that James is...

in a relationship?

No. There's no way.
He's Barney's brother.

Look at that.

He's texting!
(all gasping)

TED:
Oh, my God!

He is in a couple.

This is gonna kill Barney.

What's gonna kill me?

What's going on?

B-Barney?

Have you noticed anything...

different about James?

No.

I mean, he's glowing from his
peel, if that's what you mean.

We have reason
to believe that James is,

uh, maybe hiding
something from you.

I-I know you're not gonna
like hearing this, but...

Barney...

your brother is...

(whispering):
monogamous.

That's ridiculous!

Just because
he's a little sleepy,

and he hasn't had sex

with anyone
in a bathroom stall...

Huh.

He hasn't had sex with anyone
in a bathroom stall.

And, Barney...

I hate to be the one

to tell you this,
but... he's texting.

No, he...

No!

That...

is impossible.

Excuse... Ex...

Hey, bro.

Don't change the subject.

Let me see your phone.

Why?

I just want to
see your phone.

Let me see your phone.

No, it's just a phone.
It's just a phone!

And it's got Internet access,
and it's got a camera on it,

and you can surf the Web
and do the whole thing.

It's so amazing how far
technology has come.

What kind of phone
do you have?

I got...

Who is this?

And the answer better be:
"I don't remember his name."

That is Tom.

He is my fiancee.

I don't support this.

Gay marriage?

Not gay marriage-- marriage!

(shivers)

How can you do this?

We were raised in the same
house, with the same values!

Believe me,

I fought this for a long time.

Come on, it's embarrassing.

Look,

this felt unnatural
to me, too, at first.

But I fell in love.

And Tom and I realized
you can't fight love.

Oh, God.

Is that what
you two do together?

You sit around the house
and talk about love?

I think... (groans)
I'm gonna be sick.

Okay, okay, look,

I need you to wrap your head
around this, okay?

Because it is happening.

And I want you
to be my best man.

What?

No way.

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

I hope you
change your mind.

Two beers, one shot.

Oh, it's a freaking epidemic.

(giggling)

Oh, sweetie!
Did you make that for me?

Yes.

Clam Bake.

Staten Island. Who's in?

Okay, I didn't have
high hopes for that one.

Okay, here's my thing.

If gay guys
start getting married,

then suddenly the whole world's
gonna be doing it.

That's how it works.

They start something,
then six months later,

everyone follows.

Like now everyone
gets manicures.

I don't get manicures.

Okay, then like how...

Like getting your chest waxed.

(gasps):
You get your chest waxed?

You know what I mean!

Gay marriage is going to cause

single life, as we know it,
to die out.

Think of how the American family
will be strengthened.

Barney, I'm sorry you're upset,

but you got to suck it up
and be a man about this.

No.

It's always been
me and him together,

being awesome, while the rest
of you walked two-by-two

onto your ark
of sexless boredom.

Just because
James is getting married

doesn't mean things
are going to change.

Yeah.

Like things haven't changed
with you people.

Look, my sister married
a guy I didn't like.

Sandals and socks--
come on, buddy.

But I took her out,
we celebrated.

It was the right
thing to do.

You got to support him.

You're right, Ted.

This is a cause for celebration.

We need to take him out
and celebrate the commitment

he and Tom are about to make.

(dance music playing)

Yeah.

This is where we're
celebrating the commitment

that Tom and I
are about to make?

What? Yeah!

See, that cage represents
your commitment.

(giggling)

Oh, my God.

Freedom has never tasted
so delicious.

Hey.

You work out?

I do.

And thank you for noticing.

You're obviously

in very good shape yourself.

Well, I try.

So you want to dance?

You know what? I'm very flattered,
and objectively,

you're a very attractive man,
but this is actually my ???

I'm sorry.

You know, I saw
your drink and I...

No, no,
this isn't my drink.

This is hers.

No, it isn't.

Whatever.

How 'bout you?

Oh, I'm straight, too.

But I thank you
for your time,

and I appreciate
your interest in my body.

You see that?

Being hit on doesn't
have to be terrible.

I feel flattered, and everyone
left with their dignity.

(giggling)

Hey, I really
like your sweater.

Wow.

You actually do, don't you?

You're not checking out

my boobs or anything.

My name's Gay Ken,
what do you think?

I love this place!

Let's dance!
And not be groped!

Whoo! Thank you.

Damn.

Thank you!

We're hot totally.

(James laughing)

And then Tom says
to the dealer

that the handmade Georgian clock
has a chip on the corner.

Blam, we get
that puppy half price.

What up?!

Bam!
(laughing)

Sounds like you really rocked
that arts and crafts fair.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Hey, oh, my God.

Thisis so liberating, being
able to talk about this to you.

I cannot wait
for you to meet Tom.

And I cannot wait for you
to meet my good friend...

this guy.

Excuse me, do you know anyone
who would like to buy

my incredibly muscular, fun,
large-handed brother a drink?

Eh, eh, eh, let's focus
on you, Barnaby.

Okay.
(imitating radar beeping)

All right.

I spy a group of women who have
let their defenses down

because they are
in a gay club.

You see that chick
right there?

She looks like
she'd fall for

sports agent
and football player.

Okay, I'm in.

Which one am I?

(laughing)

Please.

He's very shy,

loves tennis and Brazil,

and drops his pants
after three dirty martinis.

Now go, man, go!

I just never thought I'd
see Barney so vulnerable.

Well, I guess no one
wants to feel like

they're going through
the world alone.

Look at me, in a yummy sandwich!

Okay, we're actually
right in the middle

of something
right now, so...

Ooh, I know what I want to be
in the middle of. Thoughts?

God, can't two straight guys

come to a gay dance club,
enjoy some techno

and good conversation
without being bothered?

How's it going, guys?

Still enjoying
the attentions of men?

That's like the eighth guy
who's hit on us in ten minutes.

It's like, hello,
my eyes are up here.

And it's never the hot ones.

It's always the losers.
Bums me out!

Looks like the boys
learned their lesson.

Do you totally miss
being hit on?

Oh, totally.
Let's go find a sports bar.

James, James, since you like
arts and crafts,

look at what
Charles here made

with cherry stems.

He did it with his tongue.

Yeah.

Barney.

So, Charles,

why don't you put your number
in my brother's phone,

and once he's in
a funner mood...

Barney, Barney, I
don't want his number.

I don't want anyone's
number, okay?

I'm getting married.

Wow.

Best of luck to you both.

Thank you.

My number's in here.

I'm very discreet.

Okay, okay,
excuse me.

Barney, family talk.

Okay, dude, you have
got to stop this, okay?

I know that my getting married is
threatening to your way of life...

Oh, so now it's
my way of life?

I thought it was
our way of life.

You've completely
turned your back on it.

Look at you,
not even suited up.

Do you remember why
we suit up, James?

To get laid.

To show people
that we are different

from the millions of T-shirt
and jeans lemmings out there.

The suit shows

that we are a force
to be reckoned with,

a two-person army
that plays by its own rules.

But you've taken off
the uniform,

you've crossed enemy lines,
and you've abandoned me.

Well, I'm not gonna
let you do that.

It's not too late to back out
of this stupid marriage thing!

You don't have to do this, bro!

-Yes, I do.
- Why?!

Because Tom and I are
gonna have a baby.

What? There's gonna be a baby?

Yes.

We're adopting.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be an uncle?

For the rest of your life.

(laughing)

And that's how Barney
became Uncle Barney.

A year later,
at James's wedding,

Barney could not
have been more proud.

To James and Tom.

May you have a long
and happy life together.

And may I always have the skin
and libido of a much younger man.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Nice one.

Thanks. I decided to leave out
the hetero college phase.

No one wants to hear about that.

It was perfect.

You even made
Tom's dad cry.

Might have been doing that
because he's a Republican.

(chuckles)

Whoa.

It's 9:00.

We should be
getting back.

You guys want
to split a cab?

Uh, no, I think I'm gonna
stay a little bit longer.

Yeah, me, too. I'm
not tired at all.

All right, well,
it's getting late.

Got to get
the wife home.

Oh, stop calling me that.

It makes me sound fat.

Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic.

See ya.

* I won't tell *

* What you told *

* I won't share... *

May I?
Yeah.

(chuckles)

* I will grow old *

* No one will know... *

Hey, buddy.

Your parents are married.

Now, listen,

Just because you're being
raised by married people

doesn't mean you have to choose
that lifestyle.

High-five.

Luckily, you got me.

In 20 and a half years,
you'll be 21,

and I will be...

Well, I haven't decided
how old I'll be yet.

But we are gonna

bro out, uncle and nephew style.

Stick with me, kid.

I am gonna teach
you how to live.

Great suit, by the way.

(mock straining)

Who is the cutest?

See Robin?

Tom likes big breast,
and I intended great it

and now it's laid and out

(sobbing):
Why?

Rosa, why always be attracted
to the unavailable ones?

Why not accept the fact
that you're a beautiful woman

who is worthy of love?

Are you brave enough
to hear that?

You...
Hmm.