How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 9 - Slap Bet - full transcript

Ted: Kids, one of the things
you'll learn about relationships

Is that you're never done
getting to know someone.

Everyone has secrets.

Some are nice.

You know how to make crepes?

That is so cool.
Mm.

Some aren't as nice.

And then there was derek,
and counting you,

That puts the total up to...
Oh, I got your total.

I've been counting along.

And some are just weird.

You're scared of
the seven dwarfs?

Just doc. He's creepy.

I mean the guy went
to medical school.

What's he doing living
with six coal miners?

I couldn't sleep last night.
I bet you guys couldn't either.

Why?
Uh...

Only the gala event

For the grand opening
of sharper image's 500th store.

Didn't you get my e-mail?

No, I blocked your address

After the fourth time
you sent me the video

Of the monkey
sniffing his own butt.

Come on! It's on me.

I'm buying three of you
foot massagers

And one of you
a nose hair trimmer.

You know who you are.

Come on,

Let's go!

Okay, I'm in.

To the willowbrook mall!

Guys: To the willowbrook mall.
Oh, it's

At a mall?

I'm not going.

What? Why not?

I just don't feel like

Going to a mall.

We can split a cinnabon.

No, I'm really not going to go.

Come on, it'll be fun.

No, I don't go to malls!

Sorry, I just don't like malls.

Why not?

I'd rather not say.

Sharper images. But that's
where clothes live.

Guys, guys, guys,
robin doesn't like malls.

If she doesn't want to tell us
why, she doesn't have to.

I think we should all

Just respect her privacy.

Thanks, ted.

So, what's the deal
with you and malls?

I thought you said that,
if I didn't

Want to talk about it,
I didn't have to.

Yeah, with those people.

But I'm your boyfriend.
Come on. What is it?

Did you get arrested at a mall?

No.

Dumped at a mall?
Ted.

Found out you were
canadian at a mall?

Let it go. Trapped
under a fake boulder

At a mall?
Let it go.

Mauled at the mall?

Let it go!

And who gets trapped

Under a fake boulder
at the mall?

Not me in ohio when I was nine,

That's for sure.

Why won't robin tell me
why she hates malls?

Ted, you should be happy
robin has a secret.

The more you learn
about a person,

The better chance
you have of hitting

The fatal "oh" moment.

Yeah, that moment when you
find out that one detail

About a person that is going
to be a deal breaker.

It's a promise ring.

I made a pact with god to stay
a virgin till I'm married.

Oh.

I don't have an eating disorder.

It's just when I put food
in my mouth,

I chew it,
and then I spit it out.

Oh.

I just turned 30.
Oh.

So trust me,

You want to postpone knowing
anything about each other

For as long as possible.
Mm. I disagree.

If there is some
potential "oh" moment,

I want to know about it
right away.

I mean, what's the alternative?

I now pronounce you,
man and wife.

I love you.

I used to be a dude.

Yeah, I agree with ted.

In a real relationship,
you share everything.

That's why marshall and
I don't keep any secrets.

You are such a cutie pie.

Here's a quarter. Go play
a song on the jukebox.

They tell each other everything.

I can think of tons of things,

There's no way
marshall's told you.

Try me.

Do you know about the time
marshall was in trenton?

Donkey ate his pants. Yup.

Bill's bachelor
party in memphis?

Oh, when they had to pump out

All the nickels
from his stomach?

Wow. Okay. Seattle.

Trick question.

Marshall's never been
to the pacific northwest

Because he's afraid
of sasquatch.

Damn.

I'm not afraid of sasquatch,

I just think we should
all be on alert.

Not only do they tell
each other everything,

They want to know everything.

So after the shower
I was brushing my teeth.

And I was like, "oh, man!"

I wanted to have
some orange juice.

"I should have
done that first."

But I already had the
toothpaste on the toothbrush.

So I just went ahead
and brushed them anyway.

What happened next?

Yeah, meanwhile,
robin tells me nothing.

Fine.

Do you want to know what
robin's secret is?

You know?

Of course I know.

Her face got flushed...
That's shame, my friend.

Our friend robin used to
do porn, wait for it...

Ography.

Yeah, we didn't really
need to wait for that.

And it's ridiculous.

I don't know.
He could be right.

She does have the fake
orgasm noises down.

Hey!

What? The walls are thin.

That's not what
I'm "hey" ing you about.

You know what it might be?

This is going to sound

A little crazy but what
if robin is married?

Married?

What does that have
to do with the mall?

Well, maybe she got
married at the mall.

A ton of people get married
at the mall of america.

It's great.

There's this gorgeous indoor
golf course for pictures,

Numerous fine dining options,
and talk about a reasonable...

We are not getting married
at the mall.

Well, just meet with the guy.

She's not married.
Robin hates marriage.

Because she already got married.

At the mall.

No,

Because before robin moved
to new york, she...

What was she doing?

Well, I don't know.

Whenever I ask her about canada,
she kind of clams up.

She's a pretty private person.

Except when she's
talking about...

Oh, a friend of mine in canada
got married way too young

And it really turned her off
to marriage.

What do you think
of this wedding cake?

Oh, I like it.

Hey, you remember that friend
of mine in canada

Who got married way too young?

Her wedding cake was a
mrs. Field's giant cookie.

My friend in canada
who got married

Way too young, they had
to do their vows twice,

Once in french.

They speak french there, too?

God, that place is a mess.

So you don't think there's
any "friend" from canada?

Oh, I'm sure there is.

Just like I have a "friend"

Who wet his bed till he was ten.

Use your brain, ted.

Guys, there's no way
robin is married.

It's ludicrous to
even suggest it.

Thank you, barney.
'cause it's porn.

I need another beer.

Robin was not in porn.

I bet you anything
that she's married.

$20,000 says it's porn.

I don't have $20,000.

Well, then what do you have?

Well...
No.

I've got it.

The ultimate wager...
Slap bet.

Oh, slap bet. We used to
do those when I was a kid.

Whoever is right gets
to slap the other person

In the face as hard
as they possibly can...

But no rings.

Are you really going to do that?

That's so immature. You can
be slap bet commissioner.

Ooh, I love it.
What are my powers?

Um, if a problem arises
and we need a ruling,

That's your job.
But...

You have to be unbiased

And put the integrity
of slap bet above all else.

This is an honor you will take
with you to your grave.

On your tombstone, it will read,

"lily aldrin, caring wife,
loving friend,

Slap bet commissioner."

And your tombstone will read

"got slapped by marshall,
so hard he died."

What if I just ask robin point
blank if she has a husband?

You said you would
respect her privacy,

So maybe you should
just drop it.

Yeah, you're right.

Husband.

There's no "p" in husband.

Wow, you seem to know a lot
about husbands.

Fine. I'll
take it back.

Oh, hey, since you
mentioned husbands,

This is great,
you're going to love this.

Marshall, you know marshall.
He thinks that the reason

You didn't want to go to
the mall the other day

Is because you got married
at a mall

And have a husband in canada.

Huh.

I told him he's crazy.
Because he's crazy, right?

I mean, how crazy is that?

Are you asking me
if I'm married?

Well, you can ask me.

Nope, I'm not married.
Your turn.

What happened
to respecting my privacy?

Look, just say,
"no, I'm not married."

Ted, I don't understand
why you can't... just

Say, "no, I'm not married."

I can't.

Marshall's right.

I was young and I got married.

It was a mistake
and he moved away, but... Yeah.

I'm married.

Oh.

You have a husband?

I was young and stupid

And we got married at a mall
and we broke up at a mall

And I... I haven't been
to a mall since.

Why didn't you get divorced?

He moved to hong kong for work
and I was like...

Eh, good enough.

Good enough? That's
not good enough.

You order pancakes, you get
waffles, that's good enough.

Look, I haven't seen him
in years.

(sighs) it's just

A part of my life
I want to forget.

Just please don't tell
anyone about this.

Okay.

Dude, your hand is monstrous.
Yeah, well,

What'd you expect?
You've seen my penis.

I can't believe you told us
robin's secret.

How could I keep something
like that to myself?

And you begged me to tell you.

No, I didn't.

Just tell us.
I'm begging you.

Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.

Please please please please
please please... fine.

Robin's married.

Yeah, well, you still
shouldn't have told us.

I mean, what kind
of boyfriend are you?

See that's just it,
I'm not the boyfriend.

I'm the mistress.
No, not the mistress.

The mastress.

The master. What
do you call it?

Uh, pretty sure we're going
to call it mistress.

What am I going to do?
My girlfriend's married.

Do I ask her to get a divorce?

Ted, even if she is married,
it's a canadian marriage.

It's like their money,
or their army.

Nobody takes it seriously.

It's serious to me.

You know what,
in some countries,

If you been separated for
longer than five years,

Technically, you're
no longer married.

I can check it out at the
law library at school.

I can see my hand
print on your face.

Don't get too cocky, slappy.

A shipment of porn from canada

I won the bet. Why are
you still searching?

Just because you were right
doesn't mean I'm wrong.

Oh, right, like you need
an excuse to watch porn.

Canadian porn.

Trust me when I tell you their
universal health care system

Doesn't cover breast implants.

If I have to sit through one
more flat-chested nova scotian

Riding a mountie
on the back of a zamboni

I'll go oot of my mind.

Hey.
Hey.

Listen, dude, I got
to talk to you,

But you got to promise me
that you won't tell barney.

Fine, I won't tell barney.

What is it?

Robin's not married.

What?

Why would she tell me she was?

I don't know, but I cross-
checked every record in canada.

There's no record of her
ever being married.

There must be some mistake.

I promise you.
She's not married.

She's not great
at parking legally either.

So she lied to me? Wha...

What am I going to do?

I-I can't confront her,
'cause then

She'll know I told you.

You got to lawyer her.

You got to ask her
a bunch of questions,

Try to trip her up,
maybe make her feel guilty,

Whatever it takes to get
a confession out of her.

Thanks for telling
me your secret.

It means so much to me,
that you could be so...

God, what's the word
I'm looking for? Honest.

Mm, thanks, ted.

Yeah. You know
what's probably

The best part
about your honesty?

How truthful it is.

I say we just move on.

Well, for me to
get total closure

On this whole "my girlfriend
has a husband" thing,

I think I might need

A little bit more information,

Like what month
did you get married?

June.

We had a June wedding.

Ah, canada in June.

That's the dream.

Mm-hmm.

Sit-down or buffet?

Um...
Well, it's...

(chuckling):
Weird that you don't remember.

No, I just didn't know
how to answer

Because we did butlered
hors d'oeuvres in the atrium,

But the actual dinner was
a buffet in the food court

Featuring a filet mignon

Or a roasted
potato-crusted salmon

With a lobster scallion
beurre blanc.

Hmm.

Band or dj?

A string quartet played
at the ceremony,

But for the actual reception,
we had a seven-piece band.

We paid extra for the sax

'cause I just love
that smooth alto sound.

How many bridesmaids?

Seven.
Flowers?

Azaleas.
Color scheme?

Dusty rose and sienna.

Husband's name.

Um...

You were never married!

Yes, I was.

No, you weren't.
How do you know?

I looked it up at the library.

What library?

The one on fifth.

When did you go?

Today at lunch, and I had

An apple brie panini
with potato salad...

I'm not questioning
the lunch part, ted.

What database did you use?

I used the canadian
mall marriage 6000.

Fine, marshall looked
it up at school.

You told marshall?!
You lied to me!

See, this is why I don't
tell people secrets.

You were supposed to be

The one person I trusted

The most and even you
couldn't keep a secret.

But it was a fake secret.

Yeah, I was testing
you and you failed.

And now you're never gonna know
why I don't go to the mall.

And it's good, too.

You were testing me?

That's insane.
Oh, yeah?

How long did it take for you

To tell marshall
my biggest secret in the world?

Five minutes?

That wasn't a real secret!
Yeah, but it could have been.

You are driving me crazy!

No wonder your fake
husband moved to hong kong.

He moved there for business.

You.

You got something to say to me?

What are you talking about?

I know robin was never
really married.

How could you possibly
know that?

And then I put on my
pajamas and got into bed.

Oh, let's see, uh, first
I took the subway to school.

Then I got a bagel.

Then I went to the library

And found out robin
was never married. Crazy.

Then I was hungry again,

So I went down
to the vending machine,

But by the time
I got down there,

I wasn't even hungry anymore.

(laughing)

You told him?

I had to;
I'm slap bet commissioner.

Believe me,

This hurts me more
than it's gonna hurt you.

Don't count on it.

I've been practicing
on a tree trunk.

Barney gets three slaps.
Three?

One because you lied and two
for being prematurely slapped.

Three slaps.

But...

(grunts)

Oh, my god.

Are you gonna cry?

No.

(crying):
You're gonna cry.

I just don't think it's healthy

To keep big secrets
in a relationship.

My parents didn't really talk
to each other for 30 years

And now they're divorced.

I have shared more
of myself with you

Than I've ever shared
with anyone.

For this one secret, which
has nothing to do with us,

To just be mine.

So I just got a very
interesting phone call.

What are you talking about?
I know robin's secret.

What?
That's right.

I know your secret, robin.

Or should I say robin sparkles?

How do you know that name?

Because I know the truth,

And I am about to show
it to you right now.

Gather 'round, ted,
you're gonna want to see this.

Yeah, no, I don't.
What?

Robin wants to keep this
a secret,

So it's gonna stay a secret.

Yeah, it's not gonna stay
a secret.

You see, in my research,

I came upon a certain
gentleman in malaysia

Who is in possession
of a certain videotape.

He just e-mailed me

That it will be up and running
on myspace in about...

(gasps) Right now.

Robin's world is about
to be turned upside-down.

I mean, I'm guessing.

Barney, don't, okay?

Robin, please don't panic.

I'm only gonna show enough to
prove to marshall I was right.

No, barney, I said
we're not watching this.

No, it's time.

Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

There's no point in trying
to hide it anymore.

Let's just watch it
and be done with it.

Are you as terrified as I am?

I don't want to
get slapped again.

I want to stress
that I was young.

Yeah, you were.

And I didn't know any better.

They never do.

And it started out
as an innocent modeling job.

It always does.

Please, mr. Johnson.

I'm sorry I was a bad girl.

Please don't give me detention.

Isn't there something I can
do to make it up to you?

Oh, my god.

Well, obviously,
I've been proven right,

So in the interest of robin's
dignity, I won't show anymore.

Plus, it's getting late.

It's already slap o'clock.

Uh, I slap bet marshall
that you did porn, so I win.

Porn?
I wish it was porn.

It would be less embarrassing.

Robin (on video):
I know.

How about I...

Sing you a song?

('80s synth-pop music plays)

Let's go to the mall, everybody!

(giggles)

♪ come on, jessica

♪ come on, tori

I was a teenage pop star
in canada.

♪ Put on your jelly bracelets

♪ and your cool graffiti coat

♪ at the mall, having fun

♪ is what it's all aboot

This is the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.

That's you?

Yes, I had one minor hit.

I had to go all over canada
and sing this song in malls.

For a whole year,

I lived off of orange juliuses
and wetzel's pretzels.

♪ Everybody come and play

♪ throw every last care away

♪ today

If this is the '90s, why
does it look like 1986?

The '80s didn't come to canada
till, like, '93.

Taking a break from the first

Of many, many viewings,

I can't help but notice

That this isn't porn.

And yet,

A slap occurred
without the permission

Of the slap bet commissioner.

Looks like somebody suffered

From premature slapulation.

Oh, my god, robin's rapping.

Guys, robin's rapping.

♪ Went to the mall
with a couple of friends ♪

♪ I had a whole week's
allowance to spend ♪

Okay, I'm going to
give you a choice.

Either ten slaps
right now in a row,

Or five slaps that
can be doled out

At any point from
here to eternity.

Ted and marshall:
Ooh...

You go with the ten now.

No way, why get ten
when you can get five?

Yeah, but the constant fear
of knowing that at any moment,

You could get slapped in the
face, would drive you crazy.

I'm going to go
with the five for eternity.

Good call.
Horrible call.

Relax, dude, I'm just going
for my soda, man.

Take it easy.

This is going to be fun.

♪ Let's go to the mall

♪ let's go
to the mall ♪

♪ Today

So, just to be clear,

You wanted everybody
to go to the mall today?

Wow, we're going
to watch this a lot.

I can't believe I ever wore
a bedazzled jean jacket.

Hey, just so you know,

16-year-old me would
have been all over you.

You could have been the girlfriend
in canada I told everyone I had.

Hey, uh, I'm really sorry
I pried this out of you.

I probably should
have left it alone.

You know what?

You know me better now.

That feels kind of nice.

All:
Aw...

That's one.

♪ Everybody come and play

♪ throw every last care away

Wow.

♪ Let's go to the mall

(giggling)

Did you have to laugh
like that every time?

Yes.

Love it.

♪ There's this boy I like

♪ met him at the food court

♪ he's got hair like gretzky

♪ and he does jumps
on his skateboard ♪

♪ I hope he asks me out

♪ take me to my favorite spot

♪ it'll be just him and me

Robotic voice:
♪ but don't forget the robot

The robot. Hey!

♪ But, baby,
I don't want to wait ♪

♪ Let's do it

No, she doesn't want to wait.

♪ I'm gonna
rock your body anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock your body
till canada day ♪

♪ Everybody come and play

♪ throw every last care away

♪ let's go to the mall

♪ today, today, today, today

♪ let's go to the mall

♪ let's go to the ma-a-all

♪ let's go to the mall

♪ let's go to the ma-a-all

♪ let's go to the mall

♪ let's go to the ma-a-all

♪ let's go to the mall

♪ let's go to the ma-a-all

♪ let's go to the mall

♪ let's go to the ma-a-all

♪ let's go to the mall

♪ let's go to the ma-a-all

♪ today

♪ today, toda-a-ay.