How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 11 - How Lily Stole Christmas - full transcript

Ted:
Kids, as you know,

Christmas is a time
you spend with your family.

So in December of 2006,
I had three options.

Spend it with my mom
and her new boyfriend clint,

Spend it with my dad and his
new girlfriend micro-brewing,

Or head down to staten island
to spend it

With my super religious cousin
stacy and her family.

So I opted for none of the above

And decided
to spend christmas 2006

In manhattan...

Celebrating
with my other family.

Okay, I have one last paper
due at 5:00 p.M. Today,

So until then, I will be
at the law library at school,

But I'm not to be disturbed
for any reason.

Dude, open your eyes.

You're going to hurt yourself.

No, no.

Christmas eve winter wonderland
is my reward

For finishing my paper.

Oh.

Baby, do I smell your
sinfully cinnamon cookies?

Yes.

Damn me and my
heightened other senses.

Must be strong.

Okay, I'll be
back here at 5:00.

Save me at least 20 cookies

And do not clean the bowl.

Is that a reindeer?

I don't want to know!

Hey, look.

Our old answering machine.
Oh, yeah.

After you left, we,
uh, we unplugged it

Because it reminded marshall

Of how you used to, you
know, leave messages.

But hey,

You guys are back together.

I say we're plugging it back in.

(grunts)

It's good to have you back.

Oh, hey, look, there's
still some messages on here.

Mr. Mosby: Hey ted, it's
dad calling to check in.

I'm going fishing this weekend
with my friend clint,

So if I don't hear from you
beforehand,

I'll talk to you next week.

Yes, same clint.

Are you lying on the couch
right now moping about lily?

You are, aren't you?
Oh...

Well, stop it.

She's not worth it.

You gotta get over that grinch.

But I didn't say "grinch."

I said a bad word.

A very, very bad word.

Oh, fudge.

But I didn't say fudge.

I'm...

A what?

I...

That was barney,
that was barney.

That was you, ted.
That was marshall.

Marshall left a message
for marshall?

You know, it may have been
me, but it was so long ago.

Man, that machine, it
really garbles your voice.

You know, it almost
made it sound like I said...

Why would you call me that?

It was a fair question.

Marshall's breakup with lily
had sent him

Into a deep depression

And nothing could get him out of it.
(moans)

Until one day...

She was perfect.

I lost the perfect woman.

I should have knocked her up
when I had the chance.

Okay.

That's it.

You're never going
to get over her

Until you stop putting her
on a pedestal.

So no more ice cream
until you tell me

One thing that's wrong
with lily.

There's only one of her?

Okay.

She called off your wedding
and dumped you

To be a painter
in san francisco.

What do you call that?

Fiercely independent?
Uh-uh.

Brave?

I guess it was a little selfish.

There you go.

And in almost no time,

That spark turned
into a roaring fire.

Yeah. No, you're right.
Lily would laugh at anything.

She'd give it up for a bad pun.

I'm telling you,
she's a laugh slut.

Remember that time
we heard her laughing

And we thought she was
watching weekend at bernie's,

But it turned out she was
watching weekend at bernie's 2?

And her art?

"I'm lily, I'm an artist."

She doesn't even own a beret.

Yeah, and if she's
such a great "artist,"

Why does she suck at pictionary?

Who draws a ninja star
like a star of david?

Come on, come on. Right, right?
Yeah!

Another round!

(laughing):
Yeah!

I was trying to help him.

I'm his best friend.

That's the best friend's job.

The best friend's job is
to call me that word?

Yeah.

Oh, ted.

Oh, teddy boy.

Why is this such a big deal?

It's just a word.

We use lots of words, every day.

It shouldn't be any different
than any other word.

Then why don't you say it now?

Grinch.

You timed that didn't you?

Perfectly.

Well, at least you apologized.

You apologized, didn't you?

Oh, yeah.

"I'm sorry" were the first
words out of my mouth.

I'm sorry, but I am
not apologizing.

I was just trying to put
the guy back together.

You smashed him to pieces.

Are you seriously not going to
apologize for leaving that...?

No!
Why not?

Because, lily, this summer,

You were kind of a grinch.

Both:
Oooh.

Oh, you'll be sorry, ted mosby.

Ted vivian mosby!

That's not my middle name.

You kiss your mother
with that mouth?

Like you've never
said that word.

I don't kiss your mother
with my mouth.

Yet.

(sneezes)

Are you sick?

Is it sick to find maturity

And experience sexy?

No, I meant

Do you have a cold?

I'm fine.

(blowing nose)

I'm fine.

My nose is just
overflowing with awesome

And I had to get some of it out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the
holidays are a time when people

Are lonely and desperate.

It's the most wonderful
time of the year.

I should go apologize.

It's christmas eve.

Yeah. I mean, slamming
doors and screaming curses?

If I wanted that, I would have
gone home for the holidays.

I don't see any
mistletoe, but...

(sneezes)

Oh! Oh, god!

Uh... "bless you" would
have been nice.

You're sick.
I'm not sick.

You're sick.

You know what? I am sick.

Sick of you telling me I'm sick.

What up? (coughing)

Ahh... Three flights of stairs,
not a drop spilled.

Hey, buddy.

You sure this is gonna work?

Yeah, this is our thing.

In college, whenever
I wanted to make up

With her, I'd buy her
a beer. Cute, right?

Totally.
Plus free mug.

Come on.

Usually that
would've done the trick,

But it turned out
this was a problem

Not even alcohol could solve.

Actually the beer
helped a little.

She took the decorations.

She took the decorations!

What a grinch!

That time I did say "grinch."

All right.

I guess I have
to call her, right?

Lily's cell phone.

She'll listen to
reason... right?

Oh, hey, billy.

Actually, funny thing...
The voice dial got you.

I was trying to call...

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, the holidays are a rough
time for everyone, billy.

Okay, yeah,
dinner next Wednesday.

Okay.

Damn voice dial.

Barney!

What the hell are you doing?!

Get in here, it's
freezing outside.

Are you insane?

Hey, blame lily and her

Oppressive "no cigars
in the apartment rule."

God, it's like marshall's
marrying the taliban.

(sneezes)

High five.

Eww. No.

You have to go home
and get to bed.

Oh, robin, my simple friend
from the untamed north,

Let me tell you

About a little thing I like
to call mind over body.

You see,

Whenever I start feeling sick,

I just stop being sick
and be awesome instead.

True story.

Yeah, in two minutes,

I'm going to pound a sixer
of red bull, hop in a cab,

Play a couple of hours
of laser tag,

Maybe get a spray-on tan.

It's gonna be legen...

Wait for it...

(snoring softly)

Lily!

Merry christmas, assface.

Um, lily?

Where are the christmas
decorations?

At my apartment.

So we can celebrate
christmas together... please?

Ted, do you know what I would do

If one of my kindergartners
used that kind of language?

I would be on the phone
with their parents.

Yeah, I'm not a kindergartner.

Exactly.

You know what that word means.

You know that
calling people names

Is mean and hurtful... Assface.

Lily, if you don't

Bring that stuff back
right now, we...

She hung up.

She's just mad.
She'll cool down.

Mm-hmm.
(phone ringing)

Aha.

Lily...

Don't forget to take the cookies

Out of the oven... Assface!

Damn it!

I could be in
cleveland right now

Making peppermint lager
with my dad.

Where are you going?

Marshall gets home
in three hours.

He's gonna show up...
No lily, no winter wonderland.

I gotta get up to the bronx.

Dary.

(phone ringing)

Hey, dude,
how's the paper going?

Screw the paper,
how's the winter wonderland?

Is it magical?

Oh... So magical.

When you walk
through the door, does it feel

Like you've been slapped
in the face by christmas?

Sure does.

Look, I gotta go.

Come on, man, describe it!

Tell me about the decorations.

Is rudolph there?

He is, isn't he?

Hi, rudolph!

Ah, yeah, but, you know...

Decorations, is that really
what christmas is about?

Hell, yeah!
What else would it be about?

Uh, try the birth of christ.

You know, christmas...
Christ mas,

Which means "more christ"
to our spanish friends.

Yeah, well, all I know
is walking through that door

And seeing the winter wonderland
and seeing lily

And all you guys, just...

I can't wait.

Right. I gotta go.

Right. Okay. Oh, wait.

Ted, ted, ted, ted.
One more thing.

How about the cookies?
Are they delicious?

(shrieking)

You know, honestly, they taste
a little store-bought.

Oh! I got another call.

Well, tell lily I love her.

Right.

Hello?

Ted evelyn mosby!

Oh. Uh, hey, mom.

I just got the most
disturbing call from lily.

How could you use
such a horrible word?

Oh, god, she called you?

Are you acting out
because of the divorce?

Is-is this all about clint?

No, mom, why
would it be about clint?

Hey, buddy, it's clint.

How you doing, champ?

Hey, clint. Listen, um,

Hey, hey, no,
I don't really have time to...

No, no. Ted, ted.

You don't know this yet,

But you and I are going
to be great friends.

Now,

The native americans
have this ritual...

(coughing)

(sighs)

This is a low moment
for the barnacle.

I should be off playing
laser tag right now,

But instead...

Don't look at me. I'm hideous.

You just look like
a regular guy.

Exactly.

I'm a ted.

I'm wearing
elastic-waist fleece pants.

And isn't it more comfy?

Yes.

Come on, you need eat something.

Too weak...

To hold... Bowl.

Fine, I'll feed you.

Mmm.

Ouchie in my mouth!

I don't want it.
I want ice cream.

No, you're not having ice cream

For dinner
just 'cause you're sick.

But my throat hurts.
No.

I hate you!

Oh.
Don't leave me.

(knock at door)

Who is it?

Pizza delivery.

Whoa.

Hey, you tricked me.

You really thought
I was the pizza delivery guy?

No, I knew it was you.

I just thought you'd
at least bring a pizza.

Yeah, well, I brought a beer,

But I gave it to a homeless guy.

All right, he took it from me.

Now, will you please come home?

No, I'm not spending
christmas with you.

Okay, I'm sorry for calling you
a... That word,

Over the summer,

And for saying it again today.

And for thinking it a lot
on the subway ride over.

I had no right to say that.

It was hurtful

And immature and I'm sorry.

Oh, shut up.

You think I don't know

Your fake apologies
by now, ted mosby?

Huh?

You're clearly still mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.
Yes, you are.

I am not mad at you, lily.
Now, can we please just...

I've apologized to marshall
and he's forgiven me

And we've moved passed it.
Why can't you?

Because you never
apologized to me.

You leave for three months,
you don't even call.

Come on, lily, we're supposed
to be friends!

Yeah, some friend,
you called me a grinch.

You were a grinch!

How can you...
Grinchy,

Grinch, grinch, grinch
grinch, grinch, grinch.

Happy?

Now, you've pissed off
the big guy upstairs.

Yeah, I'm sure god cares if I...

Big guy upstairs: You use that language
again and I'll turn off your water!

That's my super.
He lives above me.

Great.

Thanks to your filthy mouth,

Now I'm going to have christmas
alone in the dark.

Fine. I don't want
to ruin christmas.

You can have the apartment.

Don't worry
about seeing me there

I'll be in staten island
with my cousin stacy.

Just...

Ow.

Merry christmas.

You're spending christmas eve
with your family?

Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

Uh, they're fine. They're
just... They're a little weird.

You know they don't believe
in gifts or christmas trees.

And they think santa's
how satan spells his name

When he wants to trick us.

Well, do you want me to go
with you?

Was that a sincere offer?

First tell me your answer.

Stay there. Save yourself.

We'll spend all day
together tomorrow.

Okay.

You mean the whiney bottomless
pit of neediness?

He was bugging me, so I spiked
his echinacea tea with codeine.

You're gonna be a great mom.

Mm-hmm.

Holy crap, the magical
christmas season is upon us.

And thank god we don't pay
for utilities.

Merry christmas!
What's in the box?

Only the best christmas present
for the best girl ever.

It took me all day
to track it down.

I thought you were
writing a paper.

Ah, naw, I blew that off.

I'll get an extension.
School's not important.

What is that pitter
patter on the roof?

Could it be the sound of
an awesome christmas story

About to come down the chimney?

Why, yes, it is.

'Twas the day before
christmas...

It was supposed to arrive,
like, five days ago,

But then it got lost
and rerouted.

I checked two other branches,

Finally they told me
it was here.

Yeah, all I needed to know was
the tracking number.

Looks like it's headed out

To our regional branch
in poughkeepsie.

What?

No, no, no, no,
I need that package today.

Listen, the truck already
left five minutes ago,

So unless you want to run
after it...

Stop!

Stop!

Stop, please, stop.

Stop the truck.

(panting):
I need a package on your truck.

Can I please take a look
in back?

Sure. But I gotta keep
driving my route.

I'm running behind.

(screeching)

Whoa.

Wpd driver:
My bad.

I'm okay.

Hey, man,

Thanks for helping me make
my fiancée's christmas.

No problem.

Too bad I can't deliver
all these packages

By the end of the day.

Wait, so some people aren't
going to get their gifts

In time for christmas?

Sadly, no.

♪ They call me back door santa

♪ I make my runs
about the break of day ♪

♪ They call me back door santa

♪ I make my runs
about the break of day ♪

♪ Oh, ho, ho

♪ I make all the little
girls happy... ♪

We delivered every single
package on that truck.

Oh.

But I still have one package
left to give.

Mmm.

Yeah, I did.

(giggles)

Merry christmas.

Open it, baby.
Okay.

Ah.

Oh, my god.

An easy bake oven!

I've wanted one of these ever
since I was a little girl.

In this exact model.

I never told you that.
How did you know?

It's our first christmas
since we got back together.

I want to get her something
really special.

So I'm getting her a jukebox.

Wow, that's a great gift.

Not really. It's this big
and it dispenses gum.

Oh, man, I know something
you could get her

That would blow her mind.

Ready?

Eight years ago...

When I was a kid, all I wanted
was an easy bake oven.

I begged and I begged,
but all I got

Was a stupid lego set

Because my feminist mom didn't
want me conforming

To traditional gender roles.

Easy bake oven... that's what
I'm going to call my van.

Dude...

How was the concert?

I couldn't find the outside.

(laughing)

I can't believe ted remembered
after all these years.

Yeah, and after all that weed.

Where is he anyway?

Staten island.

Why?

All right, don't tell your mom,

But I got you guys
some presents.

Like the the gift of god's love?

No, dude, real presents.

Uncle ted got us presents!

That's okay, ted, we'll
just give them to charity.

Yay!

Uh, not you, charity.

I meant the less fortunate.

Ted, how would you like
to say grace tonight?

Uh, you know what,
why don't you say it.

I really wouldn't know
what to say.

Why don't you recite your
favorite passage of scripture.

That's a great idea, charity.

But, really, I don't know.

I mean how do you choose
your favorite passage?

It's the bible;

There's so many...
Great ones...

(doorbell ringing) ooh, I'll get it.
Charity, I'm tapping you in.

Dear, father, thank you
for this day,

And thank you for bringing
this family together.

Amen.

Who is it, ted?

Uh, it's...
It's just, um, carolers.

♪ Silent night

All:
♪ holy night...

I came here to apologize.

I'm so sorry, ted.

I accept. Give me the beer.

Mmm...

Mm, oh, it is so good
to see you guys.

Are you coming home?

Totally.

But first, lily, I owe
you an apology.

Oh, for the love of god, are you
as sick of apologies as I am? Yes!

Can we just skip the apology and
go straight to the forgiving? Yes.

And I promise, I will never ever
call you a... You know, again.

That's okay.

I was kind of a grinch.

What's a grinch?

Nothing. It's something
you shouldn't say.

Mom, what's a grinch?

Grinch, grinch, grinch...

(kids chanting):
Grinch, grinch, grinch...

Grinch, grinch, grinch...

Grinch, grinch, grinch...

Grinch, grinch...
Merry christmas, everybody.

Run, run.

Merry christmas, marshall.