How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 1 - Where Were We? - full transcript

Ted:
Okay where were we?

It was June of 2006,

And life had just taken
an unexpected turn.

Dad, can't you just skip ahead

To the part where you meet mom?

I feel like you've been talking
for like a year.

Honey, all this stuff
I'm telling you is important.

It's all part of the story.

Could I go to the bathroom?

No.

The summer of 2006
was both wonderful and awful.

For me, it started out great.

In fact, day one was amazing.

I'd finally gotten together
with robin.

But while I'd been off having
one of the best nights

Had been having one
of the worst nights of his.

♪ Crying in the street...

Marshall:
So that's it?

We're breaking up?

Marshall, I'm sorry.
I just...

To san francisco
and do this art program

And-and figure out
who I am outside of us.

And the only way

That I can do that is if...
If we don't talk for a while.

For a while.

Try never, okay?

You walk out that door,
and we're done.

You're never going to hear
my voice again.

I should call her.
No, no.

Ted, it is...
If you call her

When she asked you not to
you're just going to look weak

Now, listen, whenever
you feel like calling her,

You come find me first.

And I will punch
you in the face.

You're a good friend, ted.

(knock at door)

Hey.

So, did you hear the big news?

You mean how lily and marshall
broke up,

And lily's gone and nothing else

Even remotely important happened
last night,

Yeah, I think he knows.

Oh, my god.

I-I'm so sorry.
Wh...

What happened?

Well, she left.

And I don't even know
if she's coming back.

I didn't get your message
until I woke up.

Bro, I am so sorry.

Thanks.

I know it must be tough,

But are you ready
to hear something

That will not only
make you feel better,

But will actively excite you?

For the first time, ever,
the three of us are single

At the same time.

I've dreamed
about this day, boys,

And it's going to be

Legendary.

Together, we will own this city.

Anytime a girl wants to get back
at her ex-boyfriends,

We'll be there.

Anytime a girl wants to solve
her father issues

Through promiscuity and binge
drinking, we will be there.

Anytime a bachelorette party
drives through the city

In a limo, sticking their
heads out the sunroof shouting,

(mimicking female voice):
"what's up, new york?"

We will be what is up new york.

Gentlemen, we are
about to embark on...

Aw, man, you guys
did it, didn't you?

Captioning sponsored by
20th century fox television

Is that when love
is beginning...

(moans)

And love is ending,

The first 30 days
are remarkably similar.

For one thing, you spend
most of your time in bed.

(moans)

(groans)

Your friends can't stand
to listen to you.

He's so ticklish.

It was a really beautiful song.

So... Stupid, man.
(mimicking choking)

And you never seem
to wear pants.

(sighs)

Hey, marshall.

Hey, ted.

You hungry?
What's the point?

I could eat some food.

It's just going to leave me.

Well, at least in that scenario,
you get to do the dumping.

Come on, it's Sunday.

It's pancakes day.

Lily always made the pancakes.

God, I loved her pancakes.

So soft.

So warm.

So perfectly shaped.

Are we still talking
about her pancakes?

Come on, you got to eat
something; what can I get you?

Beer.

No, that's what you had
for dinner.

Fine.

Then I'll just have leftovers.

Barney:
So, he stays home

All the time not getting laid?

No, see,

That's what you do when you have
a fiancée.

He should be down here
celebrating.

He's free.

He got that redheaded tumor
removed.

You should write and illustrate
children's books.

You know what marshall
needs to do.

He needs to stop being sad.

When I get sad, I stop being sad
and be awesome instead.

True story.

It's only been a month.

He just needs to go
at his own pace.

Anyway, lily's the one
who caused this whole mess.

Hey, cut her some slack.

She's just trying to
figure out who she is.

Yeah, she should call me;
I got a whole list.

She's selfish.

She's immature.

She's...

What?

God, your eyes are so blue.

Aw, teddy bear.

(mimics sword unsheathing)
oh, that's a...

(groans)

(coughs)

Yeah, it was hard to feel
too bad.

I was dating the woman
of my dreams,

And things were going great.

Well, for the most part.

So, I found her shampoo.

I guess she left it here.

It smells like her.

Like lavender and seashells
and hope.

Somehow,

Erotic and comforting
all at the same time.

That's my shampoo.

Oh, sorry.

Mmm, I thought
he'd never go to sleep.

(moans)

Uh-oh.

Already?

He's calling her.

I don't hear any...
He's calling her.

No.
(screams)

Marshall: Okay, you're
right, I won't call her.

I will not call her.

Well, I called her.

And get this,

She changed her number.

What, like I'm going
to stalk her,

Or something?
Like she's so special.

Like she's the only lily aldrin
out there.

'Cause there are four others
in the san francisco area alone,

And they all seem
a lot better than her

Based on the brief conversations
I had with them.

Does he know I'm in here?

Yeah, hey, robin.

Anyways, one of the
lily aldrins said...

This has to stop.

Ted, we just started dating.

We agreed we don't want
to move too fast,

And yet somehow, we have a baby.

He can't feed himself.

He cries a lot,
he keeps us up all night.

Have you tried breast-feeding?

Nailed it!

Look, they were
together nine years.

It's only been a
month and a half.

He just needs to
go at his own pace.

He slept on our floor
last night, ted.

He watched a scary movie.

It is time for some tough love.

We need to get him
out of that apartment.

He needs fresh air.

He needs sunshine.

Mmm, sunshine.

Announcer (over speaker): Gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage, sunshine.

All right, I really don't think
this is going to help.

Do you know why you're
not over lily yet?

It's 'cause you can
still picture her naked.

You can't get over a woman
until you can no longer

Picture her boobs;
it's a scientific fact.

The average male brain can
only store a finite number

Of boob images
or "b-pegs".

And your hard drive's filled
to capacity with lily's.

There are a lot of them.

Well, they won't go away
until you overwrite them

With images of
other women's boobs.

Now, this journey may take

As many as a million boobs,

So we begin here
tonight, my friend.

Two at a time.

Those count as four.

Yeah.

This is fun right?

We're outside, it's
a beautiful day.

The indians are winning.

I got to admit,

It is really nice to be outside.

Announcer (over speaker):
Yankee fans,

Please turn your attention
to the diamond vision

For a special
seventh-inning-stretch surprise.

Oh, no.

(crowd sighing)

(applause and cheering)

It's all a big lie!

She's just going
to break your heart.

(crowd booing)

You can drag me out of here,
but she has no soul!

We've tried everything...
Baseball, strippers.

The guy still won't eat
a damn pancake.

I think he's beyond repair.

See, this is the problem
with guys.

You don't know how to deal
with heartbreak.

Oh, and what's your
prescription, dr. Estrogen?

Eat haagen-dazs
and watch love actually,

Till your periods sync up.

(ted, barney laughing)

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Oh, my god.

How long have you
been doing this?

Well, my dad taught me
to shoot when I was a kid.

Whenever I'm feeling lonely
or depressed, I come here,

And it reminds me that...

Guns are fun.

(chuckles lightly)

Um, you know, ted is
kind of against guns.

And that's why

Ted's never going
to find out about this.

Whoa, that sounded kind of scary

With me holding a gun,
didn't it?

No, I-I just mean,

Please don't tell ted.

You want to try?

Only hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, this
is what I needed.

I felt so powerless
this whole time,

But this... (laughs)

This is power.

This is...
(gasps)

I should have mentioned
the recoil.

I got to hand it to you,
when he got home,

Marshall was smiling.

Did you sleep with him?

'Cause I was actually,

Like, three days away
from suggesting that.

Sometimes, all you need
is to get in touch

With your feminine side.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah!

Well, congratulations.

You're the first person
to cheer him up all summer.

You win.
Oh, what do I win?

I'll tell you what you win:

I'm taking you away
this weekend.

You are?
Mmm.

That's so nice.

Yeah, my aunt and uncle
have a beach house

Out in montauk, oh,
it's really romantic.

My uncle's had like
three affairs there.

Wow, must be a nice house.

I've seen pictures
of your uncle.

This is going to be so great.

We'll finally get
some time alone.

Are you sure marshall's
going to be okay with this?

Yeah, absolutely.

Dude, I'm doing much better.
Oh.

In fact, take my car.

Really?
Yeah.

Hey, thanks...
And, hey,

If you need anything day
or night, just call me...

You know what,
please don't call me.

What? What's wrong?

It's, uh,
lily's credit card bill.

She must have forgotten

To switch her address.

So?

So, I wonder what kind
of charges she's making

Out there in san francisco.
No.

No, no good can come
from looking at this.

You've made too much
progress already.

I know but I just,
maybe the... no!

You're going to
thank me for this.

You're a good friend, ted.

August 5th,
one charge... tickets.

To what? George clinton
and the p-funk all-stars.

August 10th, one charge:
Tennis emporium.

August 18th, two charges:

Mario's bistro
and, get this, pet palace.

You guys see what
this means, right?

Wow, mario's bistro.

What a perfect place
to whore around.

Only the best
for my little lily pad.

Oh, funk legend george clinton,

I am so glad you spotted
me at your concert

And dragged me onstage to dance
with you courtney cox-style.

And I'm so glad you agreed
to play tennis with me.

Aw.

You know, marshall
tried to get me

To play tennis for nine years,

But I didn't do it, because
I never truly loved him.

I got you a gift.

Oh.

A ferret.

Oh, I'll buy it some food
next door at the pet palace.

Oh, I've always wanted one,

But marshall had this
secret phobia of ferrets.

I bet that's something he made
you promise not to tell nobody.

(laughing):
It was.

Oh.

I love you, funk
legend george clinton.

I love you, too, lily.

That's right, marshall,
she's all mine.

Now I'm gonna let her play
with my hair.

♪ Ow, we want the funk

♪ give up the funk...

That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, why are you
afraid of ferrets?

Because, robin, they're like
fuzzy, tube-shaped rats.

Plus, those charges are
from, like, a month ago.

Exactly.
For new charges,

You can see credit card activity
from, like, two hours ago.

But, you know, don't.

Why do you talk?

Why do you talk?!

Barney:
He needs her password.

It's not like he
has her password.

Ooh, this is good,
he has her password.

There's a charge
from earlier today:

The kellett hotel on 5th.

I don't believe this.

Lily's back in new york.

I can't believe this.

Lily's in new york?

I-I guess I've been thinking

When she got back,
she'd call me.

That's really the only reason

I've been able to hold it
together so far this summer.

This has been
"holding it together"?

Okay, you know what?
I'm calling her.

No.
Ted, give me the phone.

You're not calling her,
this changes nothing.

You, come here.

Look, while we're away
this weekend,

Can you keep an eye on him,

Make sure he doesn't
call that hotel?

You want me to baby-sit him?

(laughs):
20 bucks.

An hour.

And money for pizza.

Uh, yeah, how about
you do it for free

Or every time we hang out,
you have to watch this?

My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips.
Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar...

Okay, I'll do it!

Stop being a couple.

Marshall.
Marshall, marshall!

Ted, I know I shouldn't
do this, but I have to!

You call her everything
we've worked so hard...

(both yelling at once)

Hello, lily aldrin's
room, please.

Thank you.
Hang up now.

Ted, I can't hang up now.
Hang up now.

The missiles are in the air, and
I know that you don't approve.

Hang up.
Hello.

Uh, a guy answered.

There's-there's a guy
in her room.

I'm going down there.

Barney:
Dude, you can't do that.

I have to go down there,
and I have

To tell her I love her; I have
to beg her to take me back,

Even if I have to
get down on my knees.

Marshall, you can't do that.
Oh, really, why not?

Ted:
56 days.

That's how long it took me
to get right about here.

Because you're pathetic!

I'm sorry, but right now,
you are not marshall.

You are the miserable,

Whining, shampoo-sniffing
ghost of marshall,

And frankly, a guy like you

Doesn't have a shot
in hell with a girl like lily.

You know who might have a shot

Somewhere down the line?

Marshall.

The real marshall.

But if you go down there right
now like this, you're going

To blow it for him, and he's
never going to forgive you.

Of course, whatever I say,

You're just going to do
the opposite,

So have a great weekend.

Good luck screwing up your life.

Come on, robin.

(clears throat)

Is it still okay if
we borrow the car?

Bold. Bold to go for the car.

What?

I didn't say a thing.

You think I was too hard on him.

I can't believe you're accusing
me of being too hard on him.

You're the one
who said "tough love."

Yeah, tough love, not
"hand the guy a noose."

Oh, but it's okay
to hand him a nine millimeter?

Yeah, he told me.

So you're a gun nut?

No, I'm a gun enthusiast.
Do you know how many people

Are killed each year
the second amendment

Protects my right to bear arms...
In accidents...

All right, all right, all right.

I was too hard on him.

A little.

(laughs softly)

I'm going to call barney,
see how they're doing.

(phone rings) go for barney.

Oh, hey, where are you guys?

We're at a fund-raiser,

Helping young women raise money
for community college.

Strip club, nice.

Is marshall okay?
(laughs)

Yeah, he's here and he's great.

Uh, hang on.
Marshall?

Tell ted that...

Uh-oh.

Already?

What? What uh-oh?

He's gone.

You lost him?

I can't believe this.

He's going to go down
to that hotel.

Crap, you're right.

Okay, okay, here's the plan,
here's the plan.

You go down to the hotel
and find him.

I'll stay here
and get a lap dance.

On three. One, two...

Barney!

Was there a hot tub
at your uncle's place?

A really nice one.

Hi, uh, could you tell me
what room lily aldrin's in?

Marshall.

(chuckling):
Hey.

What happened?

Well, I went up to lily's floor,

And I had this little speech
in my head...

Everything I've been wanting
to say to her all summer

About love, loyalty, respect.

I knocked on the door.

So you knocked out
lily's new boyfriend?

Yeah.

It wasn't lily's boyfriend.

What? Who... who was it?

Ted: His name was joey adalian,
although he went by a number

Of aliases in his years
as an identity thief.

Apparently,
earlier in the summer...

Lily:
Oh, this is so embarrassing.

I-I could have sworn
I had some change.

I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

Oh, here we go.

No, that's-that's a button.

It was a button.

Do you, uh, take credit cards?

Yes, I do.

So lily's not back in town,

And she doesn't
have a boyfriend?

Th-that's good news, right?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Those credit card charges

Were the only remaining
connection I had to her.

I don't know where she is
or what she's doing.

She was my whole life, man,
and now she's-she's gone.

You know, first day of
college, I showed up,

And-and I got up to my room,
and there was my roommate,

Lying on the bed with
his feet up on the wall.

Had headphones on,
big smile on his face

Like he just didn't give a crap.

Happy.

Confident.
Not afraid of anything.

That guy was you.

You before you met lily.

Ted?

Yeah?

I was high that day.

I was.

I was so high,
I thought you were the dean.

Wh-what I'm saying is

There's a version of
you without lily,

And it's not this.

You can't let lily
steal your identity

The way that guy stole hers.

Okay.

Okay, resolved.

Starting tomorrow, I'm
going to start being okay.

(chuckles)

Cheers.
Cheers.

♪

But he wasn't,

'cause that's not
how life works.

The next day, he found one
of her socks or something,

And then, one morning...

Ted, I think
you should see this.

Oh, no, what now?

Marshall, what are you doing?

It's Sunday.

It's pancakes day.

And one really disgusting
batch of pancakes...

So good.

Mmm.
So good.

But marshall had come back
from the dead.

Because while baseball,
strippers and guns can help,

The only thing that can really
heal a broken heart is time.

♪ I try to laugh about it

♪ cover it all up with lies

♪ I try to laugh about it

♪ hiding the tears
from my eyes ♪

♪ 'Cause boys don't cry.