How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Scorpion and the Toad - full transcript

Barney feels that its time for Marshall to get out in the dating scene once again. He likens Marshall being single to a kid in a candy store, with any candy ready for his picking. Barney tells him that he'll be Marshall's wing man in picking up girls. Their nights out don't quite work out that way, but when the opportunity finally arrives for Marshall and a potential date, Marshall doesn't seem to know what to do. Meanwhile, Robin receives a surprise visit: from Lily. Lily implies that she had the best summer in San Francisco, not only with the art fellowship, but with life overall. Robin tells Ted about Lily's return, the two who argue about whether they should tell Marshall. But when Ted finally sees Lily, he has a different point of view.

Ted: Marshall and lily
had been together

For nine wonderful years,

Until she dumped him
and ran off to san francisco.

The healing process
was taking a long time.

(groans)

Then, one night,
he made a giant leap forward.

All right, I'll
see you guys later.

I'll walk you out.

Marshall:
See ya.

You just checked out
robin's ass.

What? No!
N-no, barney, I was...

Dude, that's awesome.

You're finally forgetting

About that short redhead.
Lily.

Yes, lily. Thank you.

That was going to drive me
crazy all night.

Hey, ted, marshall just checked
out your girlfriend's ass.

I did not, ted, I...
That's awesome.

You're finally getting better.

This is the moment
I've been waiting for.

Starting tonight, I am going
to teach you how to live.

Ted, you had your chance.
You're out; marshall's in.

Yes!
Oh, god.

Marshall, being a single guy
in new york city is like...

What's something everybody likes?
Candy.

Yes, it's like being
in a candy store.

You just walk right in
and grab yourself some whoppers.

(groans) yeah.

Is whoppers the best one?

Mounds.

Milk duds.

Gobstoppers.

This went on for another hour.

I'll just skip to the end.

Dubble bubbles.
Nice!

Marshall.

We're doing this.

I am not taking no
for an answer.

Fine. (chuckles) hey, robin.

Marshall checked out your ass.

Ted, what is wrong with you?

He checked out my ass.

I felt like I was having
a bad ass day.

Cool, see ya.

Lily.

It is a great ass.

It is a great ass.

Ted: None of us had seen
lily in three months.

There were so many
unanswered questions,

So many things to say.

Your hair is adorable.

(both giggling)

Meanwhile, barney was taking
marshall out to meet women

For the first time
since he was 17.

Just wing it.
Come on.

Hi. Have you
met marshall?

Hi.
Hi.

Look how sweaty my hands are.

It's weird, right? Uh, sweat?

Like, this smelly water
coming out of your skin.

Eww.
It was nice meeting you.

I-I-I hate to
interrupt, but, uh,

Do you like magic?

Um, I guess.

(gasps)

Oh, my god!

(laughing)

Anyway, marshall
here is awesome.

Salad in a bag? His idea.

Dude!

You were awesome last night.

You were charming;
you were funny.

You were totally working
that girl.

You went home with her.

Yes, I did.

But she told me

That if it wasn't for me, you
would have had a shot with her,

So, in hypothetical terms,
you scored last night.

All right!

Hypothetical high five.

Nice.

All right. Tonight, we're going
to go to the bar...

Barney, no, I am not going
out with you ever again.

Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all
of my strategies. Oh, really?

My favorite, number seven:

Create a mystery about yourself.

That way,
they become so intrigued,

They have to hang out
with you all night.

Oh, come on, does
that really work?

Maybe it does,
and maybe it doesn't.

Damn it, that's intriguing.

Okay, I'm in.

I have something you've got to hear. You
will not believe what just happened.

You go first.

I found a 1939 penny
on the subway.

Just imagine the kind of history

This little copper guy...

Lily's back in town.

And you let me go first?
Have you seen her?

Uh, yeah. I actually went

Apartment-hunting
with her today.

How's she doing?

You're not going to like it.

I am doing great.

This summer:
Best thing ever!

San francisco is so
happening right now.

She's happy?!

Marshall had the worst
summer of his life,

And she's happy.

Yeah, and I suppose
her art program

Was all fulfilling or whatever.

Oh. The art program:
Best thing ever.

Oh, my god.

This is your best work.

In all my years teaching,
I've never seen

Anything so...

Needless to say, this is art.

(chuckles)

I can't teach you anything.

(gasps)

(chuckles)

But the best part of s.F...

Oh, that's what

We call san francisco...
The people.

Even just riding around
on the bus all summer.

It was like a human tapestry.

Hi, I'm mike.

I'm a buddhist monk slash
adventure-traveler writer.

I'm paula. I sing in a
punk band for children.

Yeah.

I'm dan, I'm a neurosurgeon.

You are stunning, by the way.

Wow. I'm so happy for you.

Oh, she's such a...

After what she did to marshall,

She should come back here
devastated,

Crawling on all fours
over the broken glass

Of her own shame and regret.

You never chose sides.
I respect that.

She's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.

Unbelievable?
What's unbelievable?

Oh. Listen, marshall.

Ted found a penny on the subway,

And it's old, and
that's interesting.

Way to go.

Okay, first of all,
that is interesting.

Second, we have to tell him.

No, we don't.

He's just starting to get
better, going out with barney.

I mean, how do you think
he's going to feel

When he hears lily's moved on?

She's moved on?

It happens.
I've fallen out of love

Faster than that before,

Sometimes, boom, with
no warning whatsoever.

One day we're in love,
the next day, he's dead to me.

But we're great. Honey.

Now, let's review barney's rules
for mating without dating.

Lesson two, corollary five.

Make a beautiful woman feel
self-conscious and unattractive,

And she'll be putty
in your hands.

Excellent.

Have you chosen your entree?

I have. Sweet brunette,
eight o'clock.

Nine o'clock. Ten... Thirty.

She's walking to the bar.

Her? Really?

Yeah.

No, you're right.

Ambition is the enemy
of success.

Okay. Hit it.

(smacks lips)

What's the matter, four eyes,

You got astigmatism
or something?

I'm sorry, I was trying
to playfully disarm you,

But I just got out
of a long relationship.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm marshall.

Hi, marshall. Amy.

Don't worry. I've been there.

Hold on.

Nice recovery.
I think it's working.

Um, amy.

This is my friend, barney.

Barney, this is amy.

Hi, barney.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Amy, do you like... Magic?

I hate you.
I am so sorry.

It's a sickness.

I'm the real victim here.

Twice.

Twice in a row,
you took my candy.

That was my candy.

I know, but tonight...

No.

Forget it.

You're such a jackass.

I thought you were gonna
call me a jerk.

All right, I'm sorry.

I will make it up to you.

Tonight, we'll go
to a college bar

Near nyu...
The scorpion and the toad.

I figure

In a younger crowd

You'll seem more mature,
more worldly

And, as a third-year
law student, more smarter.

Okay, but no magic.

How did you do that?

I'm taking a leak, dumb-ass.

The next day robin and I

Went apartment-hunting
with lily.

But I need the freedom
to really chase my passion,

Which was painting,

But now I think it's music

Or spoken word... maybe both.

God! Isn't life amazing?

It is so great to see you, ted.

I'm going to get the key
from the lockbox.

Hmm?

What?

She's miserable.

She's realized
she's made a huge mistake.

Her and marshall will be back
together in a week.

I love it!
Um, no. You just

Want lily to be miserable.

The truth is, she's happy.

Trust me. I've known
lily for nine years.

Trust me. I'm a girl.

Yeah, but you're canadian.
Why do you always

Have to bring that up?

You're our weird
neighbors to the north.

You bring it up every time.
All right, five bucks says

She still wants marshall.

You're on.

Five american bucks.
Damn it.

Okay, so how do we get

The truth out of her.

Tequila. It's
her weakness.

Three shots, she'll tell you
the truth about anything.

I hope this is my new home.

Yeah, I'm going to take
that first apartment.

(knocking)

Marshall eriksen, suit up!

No way. Yeah, you're
good in that.

Let's go.

(clears throat) wait.

Empty your pockets.

Come on.

Come on, let's...

(clears throat) sleeves.

There is nothing in my...

Oh, is that right?

Uh-huh.

Let's go.
(clears throat)

Behind my ear.

There is nothing behind your...

Both:
Oh.

Woman:
Yeah, I'm in pre-law.

The workload's
killing me, though.

Oh, tell me about it.

I'm third year
at columbia law, so...

Does kill you, I can
probably get a conviction.

(both laughing)

Yeah.

You must be majoring
in chemistry,

'cause what I'm picking
up between us is, uh...

College lesbian phase.

Listen, I got to go,

But it'd be great
to see you again.

Yes, it would.

It really would.

Well, maybe I'll
see you here sometime.

Probably not.
I'm never here, so...

You know, I do have
a phone number.

Great. Nice.

Hi, I'm barney.

Oh, no.

Do you...

Mind giving my friend
your phone number?

Sure.

Whoo!

I did it! I got
a girl's phone number.

Oh, and her handwriting
is so cute. Look.

Oh, I'm gonna take her out
for chinese food

And then maybe we'll
walk through the park.

It'll be so... What?

Sorry, buddy, I'm
taking this one, too.

I'll kill you!

And then, I discovered
this area, north beach.

Best beach ever!

Oh, I've been

Blabbering on about my summer.

How are you guys doing?

And hey, how's marshall?

Give me the card!
I'm not giving you any card.

I swear...!
You are not getting...!

Terrific.

That is so good to hear.

(cell phone ringing)

Oh, hold on.

This could be
about the apartment.

(ringing continues)

Okay, we're way past
truth-telling-lilly

And about to hit
cinco-de-mayo-1998-lilly

And I'm not cleaning
that up again.

So, congratulations, you win.

She's happy.

I didn't get it.

That first apartment, I...

I waited too long and...

Somebody else got it.

(sobbing)

Interesting.

Wow, lily, you, uh...

Seem to be having a
pretty strong reaction

On losing an apartment.

I wonder if it's
because it reminds you

Of something else you lost
because you couldn't commit.

(sobbing) no, lily,

You're crying
over the crown molding

And the real hardwood floors.

There's no deeper meaning.

Right, lily? Just quit
crying and tell him.

(sobbing continues)

The apartment is a metaphor
for marshall.

Stop it.
You don't want to see

What I'm like when I'm angry.

Stop! Hold on!

If we can't settle
this like gentlemen,

Then no one gets the number.

(screams)

Stop the cab.
Wha...?

(tires screech)

No, wait. Come on.

Marshall!
(door closes)

81st and first, please.

Ah, she does have
cute handwriting.

Ted:
The thing about a hangover

Is that everyone has
their own special remedy.

Waiter:
Morning, guys.

What can I get you?
Shh!

Bring me the dirtiest,
greasiest tuna melt you got.

And a milkshake.

For you, sir?

Gravy.

You want that gravy
on something?

Surprise me.

I'd take you with gravy

If my boyfriend wasn't
sitting right here.

Just kidding. I'm good.

What are you so chirpy about?

She's still drunk
from last night.

I don't think so.

Whoo!

Look, if you want
marshall back so bad,

How come it took you two
days to even ask about him?

I was dying to ask.

I was just trying
to play it cool.

But really...

But it's good, I mean,
work is great...

Lily: Come on, say
something about marshall.

What's marshall doing right now?

Shut up and talk about marshall.

Shut up and talk about marshall.

Marshall, marshall,
marshall, marshall...

I've got to ask!

And hey, how's marshall?

It was such an awful summer.

I just wanted to get
back here and see him.

But I thought
your summer was great.

Not exactly.

Oh, my god.

This is your best work?

In all my years teaching,

I've never seen anything
so needless.

To say this is... Art...

I can't teach you anything.

So all those interesting people
you met on the bus?

Yeah, um...

Hi. I'm mike.

I'm a buddhist monk slash
adventure travel writer.

(imitating woman): I'm paula. I
sing in a punk band for children.

(deep voice): I'm dan.
I'm a neurosurgeon.

You are stunning, by the way.

I never got in touch
because I was too embarrassed.

I screwed everything up.

I have no job, no place to live.

I lost the love of my life.

I know I have no right
to ask this,

But do you think marshall
would take me back?

In a heartbeat.

If you called him up, yeah,

He'd take you back
with open arms.

Wow. So maybe I should call him.

Maybe.

No! This is... Ow!

Hold on.

Look, if you're going
to go back to him,

I don't want to hear
the word "maybe."

"maybe" cannot be
in your vocabulary.

This breakup almost killed him.

And he cannot go
through it again.

So, unless

You're absolutely certain,

Stay the hell away from him.

This guy likes pennies.

Hi, marshall.

No, go away. I don't
want to talk to you.

Okay, I know what I did
a couple nights back

Is in a moral gray area.

But the great news is,
she loved you.

If things had gone your way...

You'd gone out a couple times,

I think she definitely would
have had sex with you.

There's no "would" in sex.

(both chuckle)

You're right, I totally...

I'm just no good
at this, barney.

I'm good at being in a couple.

I'm good at being
lily's boyfriend.

Being single... forget it.

Come on, you can't give up now.

What if I told you that
you could relive that night

With the exact same
conversations,

The exact same jokes

Only this time, you
get her and I don't.

That's not possible.

Oh, but it is.

She has... Wait for it...

(voice rising):
Here it comes...

(high-pitched):
Almost there...

An identical twin.

Yes!

A twin isn't the same person.

Of course it is. What do
you think identical means?

"Ident"... same, "ical"... person.
Same person.

Hey, we could double date.

Fine.

But you have to promise me,

You're not going to steal
my new twin, and leave me

With your old, used-up twin.

Used-up?

They're a human being, marshall.

So uncle marshall
and uncle barney

Went out on a double date
with the twins.

How you doing?

Great.

Amazing. This
is so much fun.

And I think me and the
girl are really clicking.

You are.
You definitely are.

Listen, you're going
to have to leave now.

I just talked
with the twins, and get this,

I'm going home
with both of them.

Yeah. That's happening.

It is impossible that you're
doing this to me again.

But they're twins.

You... you said to me
that being single

Would be like being
in a candy store.

Well, it's not.
It's not like a candy store.

It's a lawless,
postapocalyptic wasteland.

I may be your best friend...
Actually ted's my best friend.

But in this world, it's
every hombre for himself.

That's what being single is.

And after nine years
in captivity,

That is the single greatest
lesson I can teach you

About surviving in the wild.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I have two unique breasts

And two duplicates
waiting for me.

(chuckles)

Oh, bad news:
Marshall got food poisoning.

What?
Oh, no.

That's too bad.
I really liked him.

Yeah. Well, I guess
we're just a threesome tonight.

Lily, what are you doing here?

Oh, oh, I was just walking by.
I wasn't...

Oh, you mean new york?

My program ended.

It was just great.

Just lots of fun...
It was awful.

It was the worst mistake
I ever made.

I'm so sorry, marshall,
and... Hello.

Lily, this was the
worst summer of my life.

I know. It was the worst
summer of my life.

It was the hardest thing that
I've ever had to go through.

Can we please get back together?

All that crap you
said to me about,

"we need to figure out
who we are outside of us,

And we need to learn
to do things on our own,"

It broke my heart.

Three months ago,
you broke my heart.

Can we please get back together?

Lily, you were right.

All that crap was right.

So, no.

No, we can't get back together.

We shouldn't.

At least, not right now.

Wow.

Okay. Yeah.

Well...

Will we still see each other?

Yeah, yeah.

I think so.

I don't know.

This is all really new to me.

I just got out of
a long relationship.

I like your hair.

Thanks.

I figured new city,
a different color...

♪ ...Wide open road

♪ it was love to us

♪ it was all that we had...

And the pizza there:
Worst pizza ever.

I'm so glad to be
back in new york.

Listen, if there's
anything I can do

To even begin to make
things up to you...

Actually, there may be something
that you can do for me,

But you can never
ever ask me why.

So then I was promoted
to assistant ménage-er...

Manager...
Why do I keep doing that?

Lily?

You gave me chlamydia, you jerk.

So where was I?

Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er...
I did it again.

I can't believe it.

You gave my twin sister
chlamydia.

You slime!

Wha... Wait, I know magic.

Well played, eriksen.

Well played.