How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 22 - Come On - full transcript

It was may of 2006
in new york city

But everything
was about to change.

So... What do you think?

Robin again?

Ted,

The universe clearly
does not want

You and robin
to be together.

Don't piss
off the universe.

The universe
will slap you.

Don't you think the universe
has more important things

To think about
than my dating life?

Unless your dating life
is the glue holding

The entire
universe together...

Whoa. Chills.

Anybody else
get chills?

Look, I realize we've
been down this road before,

Whatever I do, it all keeps
coming back to robin,

So... I gotta do this.

Ow! What the hell?

That wasn't me.

That was the universe.

The funny thing was,
at that very moment,

The universe was
working on something-- a storm.

So tropical storm willy
is going to be with us

At least until Monday.

It's gonna rain
cats and dogs, folks.

So don't step in a poodle.

Sandy? Robin?

Thanks, lou.

Boy, too bad.

Our big metro news one

Camping trip was going
to be this weekend.

Yeah, but camping out in the
rain? No fun. Muddy. Yuck.

Guess we'll have
to take a rain check.

And we'll check in with
you tomorrow, new york.

Have a great night.

And, we're clear.

Bummer.

I was hoping to
finally have sex

With you this
weekend, scherbatsky.

Well, I'd give you
the "I don't date

Coworkers" speech again,

But, god, you must have that
sum'bitch memorized by now.

Shame, though.

It was a pretty
hot show tonight.

The rhythmic give and take

Of our improvised banter
there at the end

Really got my
freak juice flowing.

How many times do you have
to watch this crash and burn

Before you say, "enough"?

One more. One more time.

One more big, beautiful,
stupid romantic gesture.

And then,
whatever she says,

Yes or no,
that's it.

If it's yes, great.

If it's no, then I am done
going after robin forever.

So what's this

Big, beautiful
romantic gesture?

I am going to make her...

A mix cd.

No, I'm kidding.
I got a plan.

Lily, I'm going to need the
spare key to robin's apartment.

I see where
this is going.

Ted, waiting naked in
a girl's bed wearing
whipped cream undies

Does not work... Usually.

The setting--

Martha's vineyard, 1999.

The characters: Yours
truly and a raven-haired

Au pair by the name...

Universe.

So, this plan
you speak of?

Remember the first night
robin and I went out?

I stole a blue french horn
for her and it almost worked.

Yeah. Dude,
that was awesome,

But how are you ever
going to top that?

She should be here any second.

Uh, we're pretty hungry.

When do we get our pizza?

Enough with the-- we'll go get
pizza later, all right?

Just...

Damn it.

Hello.

Hey, lily, I'm locked out
of my apartment.

I need to come
pick up my extra key.

Extra key?

Do I have an extra key
to your apartment?

Yes, I gave it to you.

Oh, right. That key.

Yeah, I lost it.

Great, now I gotta go
to the locksmith.

No, wait, uh...

Maybe you should just knock.

Knock?

Lily, my dogs
aren't that well trained.

Hello, lily, this is janet kagan

At the russell house
art foundation

I'm pleased to inform you
that we've accepted

Your application
for our summer fellowship.

We look forward
to hearing from you. Bye-bye.

Uh, robin,

I-I gotta go.
Just knock, okay?

Summer fellowship?

Just knock.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Robin...

I've sort of said this already.

I've tried to say it,
and I've said it badly.

So this is me, just saying it.

With strings.

I'm crazy about you.

I think we should be together.

What do you say?

What do you say?

Yes.

No.

I don't know.

Those are the three options.

Ted, this is so...

I know.

I come home, I was
going to watch jeopardy

And there's a
string quartet and...

I have to pee.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Un, well, go ahead.

We'll, uh, we'll wait.

Yeah, 'cause when
we talked earlier,

You said there'd be pizza.

No, I said I'd get you
a pizza afterwards.

Look, could we talk
about this later?

I'm sort of professing
my love here.

Sure.

We're not getting
any pizza.

Okay.

Let's talk.

Okay.

Um...

Oh, hey, you guys
want to take five?

Thanks, guys.
Just need a minute.

Sort of a big
life decision.

Love the blue
instruments, though.

Kind of an inside joke.

Thanks.

You're crazy.

Right.

It's not that I haven't
thought about this.

You know that I have,
but let's look at this, okay?

We only just started
being friends again.

I know. But-- come on.

And we want different things.

That's still there.

That's not going away.

I mean,
what if we do this

And it doesn't work out
and I'd lose you as a friend?

I gotta
think about this.

Okay, fine.

Think about it
on the plane.

Let's go to paris
for the weekend.

I'm serious.

I'm kidding.
I'm serious.

I can't go to paris,
I'm going camping.

I thought that
thing was canceled.

Well, it's back on.

Since when?

Since like an hour ago.

...Sending the storm
back out into the atlantic.

So it's blue skies this weekend.

Sandy? Robin?

Thanks, lou, but
that blue sky

Isn't without at
least one cloud.

I'm sorry to announce
that one week from today

I will be leaving
metro news one.

It has been an honor to bring
you the news each night,

And read the paper
to you each morning.

I will always
treasure it.

Good night, new york.

And we're clear.

You're leaving?

There. I quit my job.

We're not coworkers.

Will you please
have dinner with me?

I'm joking.
I got offered a job at cnn.

Oh, congratulations.

Congratulations yourself.

What do you mean?
Well,

Joel asked me
who I thought

Should replace me
as lead anchor.

I told him you.

They're announcing it
next week. Act surprised.

Wow.

Thanks.

And, yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, let's go get dinner.

How about this weekend
on the camping trip?

I roast a mean weenie.

Oh, you're kidding me.

No way.

Don't go on this thing.

Ted, I have to go.

It's a company camping trip.

Really? Because it also
kinda sounds like a date.

With sandy... And his weenie.

I mean is this
not a date?

I don't-I don't know.

So, what?

You actually like this guy now?

I don't know.

Are you gonna hook up with him?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

No, ted, I don't.

And you know what? That's okay.

I don't plan out every second
of my life like you do.

I don't plan out every...

Oh, really? What is all of this?

I mean,
why can't you just say,

"hey, robin,
let's go get some sushi?"

No, it has to be
a-a string quartet and-and paris

And flowers and chocolates

And let's spend the rest
of our lives together.

Don't you think we're a little
bit past sushi at this point?

God, you are

So terrified of anything real.

It's like you're
floating out in space.

Touch the
ground, robin.

Live in the world,
make a mistake.

Make this mistake.

I need to think about this.

Fine.

No, I'm sorry, I...

I can't do this anymore.

I need an answer.

If you want me to say yes
right now, I-I can't do that.

Well, if it's not yes,
then it's a no.

Then I guess
it's not meant to be.

Nice try, buddy.

Good hustle out there.

Look at the bright side.

At least you got
some closure.

She's made her choice and
you can finally move on.

Screw that. This ain't over.

Ted, you sat here

In this very booth
and you said...

I don't care
what I said.

This is gonna happen.

She can't say it's
not meant to be.

It is meant to be,
and you know why?

'cause I mean it to be.

Unpause?

Unpause.

See, marshall and lily
had a rule

That at any point
during a fight

They could pause
and take a break.

Their fights often lasted
for days.

A painting fellowship?
I was never going to take it.

In california?
I was never going
to take it.

Ted, she is going
on that camping trip.

Dude, barring
some act of god,

Robin's gonna be with
sandy this weekend.

Fine.

If an act of god
is what it takes,

Then an act of god it is.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna make it rain.

I can't let robin
go camping with this guy.

So how do I keep that
from happening?

Simple-- I make it rain!

Ted, do you want me
to slap you again?

'cause I kind of enjoyed
it the first time.

Look, I-I might be
crazy right now...
No, you know what?

I am definitely
crazy right now,
but I have a plan.

That girl you used
to go out with, penelope,

Wasn't she getting her phd
in native american culture?

Yeah.
Are you still
in touch with her?

Sure. I mean, even though
we stopped having sex,

We still get together,
like, once a month to
chat and catch up,

And of course I'm not
in touch with her!

Well, you're gonna need
to get in touch with her.

She's gonna teach me
how to do a rain dance.

Did you just say
a "rain dance"?
Yes.

A rain dance.
Yes.

A dance to make it rain.

Yes.

We're finding penelope!
No, we are not!

Yes, we are!
Ted, you're forcing me

To be the voice of
reason, and it's not
a good look for me!

Why the hell
should I help you?

Come on, I know
it didn't work out between us,

But we did...
Have a relationship.

We had sex twice
in your car,

And then you dumped me.

How is that
a relationship?

Twice!

Barney, there is

No way...

Seriously, come on.

Penelope, I really need
to make it rain this weekend.

Why?
There's this girl...

"There's this girl."

You know,
the traditional rain dance

Is a sacred prayer
to nature.

I don't think

The great spirit
looks too kindly

On white dudes
who co-opt it to get laid.

Penelope,
this is the girl I love.

If it doesn't rain this weekend,

She's gonna end up
with the wrong guy. Please.

This wrong guy,
is he a huge jackass?

Absolutely.

Kind of like barney?
Kind of.

Hey.
You hit on my mom!

We weren't exclusive!

I'm in.

And so the three of us

Headed up to the roof
of my building.
Okay.

Crouch down
and bend over a little bit.

Wow, it took five shots

Of tequila to get you
in that position.

I will throw you
off this roof.

There's so much
of your mom in you.

And she's been throwing up
ever since.

So how'd she manage to
eat so much chocolate?

Remember that guy, ted,
that I was telling you about?

Well, I came home
and I found him

Waiting in my apartment
with a string quartet

And roses and chocolates...

Oh, that's so sweet.

Okay, yes, it's sweet in theory,

But isn't it also
kind of crazy?

I mean,
a string quartet

In my living room--
who does that?

Nobody does that.

No, honey--
nobody does that.

But I guess I'm just
a hopeless romantic.

I'm gonna put my hand
up your dog now.

So you're saying
you would forbid me from going?

Forbid? Who said forbid?

I was just reminding you
that there's this wedding

Coming up
in a couple of months,

And I was kind of hoping
you'd save the day.

Look for me-- I'll be the guy
in the awesome suit.

I mean,
come on, lily.

It's what you've
always wanted.

Yeah, but there's a lot of
things I've always wanted,

And I haven't done
any of them.

I'm sorry.

I just need to do this
before settling down forever.

So now we've gone from
"I was never gonna do it"
to "I need to do this"?

Did I leave the room
at some point?
When did that happen?

Oh, maybe when you said
you wouldn't let me do it.

I never said that!

You know, if you're having
these kind of doubts now,

Maybe we just shouldn't
get married at all.

Maybe not.

Pause.
Pause.

So, are you just,
like, starving?

Totally. Red lobster?

♪ oh, lobster,
lobster, lobster ♪

♪ you are delicious!
Oh, god,

I love butter sauce!

There's nothing bad about it.

Say something bad
about butter sauce, I dare you.

Marshall, no.

We're on pause.

There's no crying

In pauseland!

Pauseland is a magical place,
with-with...

Popcorn shrimp mountains

And butter sauce rivers!

Damn it.

♪ happy, happy, happy,
happy, happy ♪

♪ happy birthday,
happy, happy, happy, happy ♪

♪ happy, happy birthday,
happy, happy... ♪

Ted, this is funny.

Still funny.

Still fu...

And now it's sad.

Hey, penelope, you sure
I'm doing this right?

I think so.
Uh-huh.

Does it, uh, look anything
like a real rain dance?

I think so.

Hey, penelope,
have you, uh,

Have you ever actually seen
a rain dance performed?

No.

Extensively on the subject:
Firsthand accounts,

Theoretical criticism,
the anthropological...

Have you ever seen
a rain dance?

I've seen a film strip.

Terrific. Uh,
look, I should run.

I'm getting brain surgery
from some guy who's seen

A couple episodes of e.R.

I can't believe this.

We've been up here
for the past hour making
complete asses of ourselves.

What do you mean "we,"
white man?

How did we get here?

Couple of days ago, the
biggest problem in my life

Was, did ted eat the
last pudding snack
pack in the fridge.

I think there's
still one left.

Dibs.

Unpause?

Unpause.

Look...

I know this sucks.

It's just something
I'm going through.

I'm not asking you
to understand it.

I'm not asking you
to be happy about it.

I... I'm just asking you
to support it.

I want to, lily, okay?

I really do.

But I just can't.

Why not?
Because you're scaring the hell
out of me, that's why not.

What if you decide
to go be a painter

And then you realize I don't
fit in to your life anymore,

And three months
becomes forever?

Can you promise
me that

That's not gonna happen?

Marshall...
'cause if you can't

Promise me that, we should just
break up right now.

I'm not gonna wait around
for three months

Just to have my heart
ripped out.

Marshall, I love you.

Can you promise me
that that's not gonna happen?

Pause.

No, lily, we cannot
pause this anymore.

Can you promise me that
that's not gonna happen?!

Pause!
Why do you want me to pause?!

That's just a great use of
the pause function, baby.
Thank you.

Hey, ted.

Whatcha doing?

A rain dance.

Dude,

That's a fat kid
with a bee in his pants.

Look, I highly doubt

The great spirit is a stickler
for choreography.

It's the thought that counts.

She's leaving in half an hour.

These are your awesome years.

You're wasting them
on this girl.

This isn't gonna work!

Yeah. I know that.

Well, then why are
you doing this?

Because I love her.

I told her that
the first night we went out,

And here it is, eight months
later, and nothing's changed.

So, yes, I know
this isn't gonna work.

But it has to work!

You hear me, universe?

This is ted mosby talking!

Give me some rain!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on...!

Oh, come on!

Pushing the front back
into the tristate area

And giving manhattan
one of its worst storms

In over a decade.

How about that?

He did it.

Robin!

Hey, robin!

Oh,

Thank god you're here!

My camping trip got rained out.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, it is.

Come down here.

It's pouring.
You come up.

No, you have to come down here.

Why?

Why? Because I made it rain,
that's what I did today!

And that's enough.

I-I've done my part.

Now, get down here!

I'm not dressed, ted.
No. Come up.

I'm not coming up there, robin,
I'm not.

You have to come down here!

I was gonna...

I know.

And that's how robin
and I ended up together.

Turns out, all I had to do
was make it rain.

As I rode home
the next morning,

The city looked the same,
the people looked the same,

It all looked the same,
but it wasn't.

In just one night,

Everything had changed.