Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 7 - Don't Count Your Tomatoes Before They're Picked - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

Oliver.
Hmm.

The alarm clock
is ringing.

[ Phone Continues Ringing ]

- You didn't shut it off.
- Yes, I shut it off.

- [ Ringing ]
- Then it must be
the front door bell.

What's the idea?
This time of morning,

these nuts come calling,
bothering... people.

- [ Ringing ]
- We don't have
a front door bell.

Oh? Then I guess
it's the phone.



It's 5:00 in the morning.
Who's calling us?

[ Ringing Continues ]
What the--

What do you want?
I just wanted to tell you
the phone's ringin'.

Why didn't you answer it?
I'm afraid
to climb the pole.

I suffer from
"high-throphobia."

There's no such thing
as "high-throphobia."

Who was it?
I haven't
answered it yet.

Oh, I thought you were
on your way down.

If there's no such thing
as high-throphobia, then
what am I suffering from?

I don't know.
You'll have to ask
a brain specialist.

[ Phone Continues Ringing ]

Boy, ever since he became
president of the phone company,
he's been unbearable.

No, he was unbearable
before.

- Hello?
- Good morning, Mr. Ziffel.
It's 5:00 a.m.

This is not Mr. Ziffel.
This is--

Oh, excuse it, please.

Of all the--

[ Ringing ]

- Hello?
- Good morning, Mrs. Bennett.

It's 5:03.

This is not Mrs. Bennett.

Sure sounds like her.

This is Mr. Douglas.

Why are you answering
everybody's phone?

Because you keep ringing me.

That's strange.
I'm not plugged in to you.

Then there must be something
wrong with the switchboard.

I don't think so.
My coffee's percolating
like it always does.

- What?
- I plug my hot plate
into Pixley...

and Crabwell Corners
and it works like a charm.

No wonder the board is
fouled up. You probably
shorted something out.

Now, I don't want you
plugging your hot plate
into the switchboard anymore.

My son let me do it
when he owned the company.

Well, he doesn't own
the company now.

Now, unplug it
and watch what number you ring.

It's no fun climbing
up and down this pole.

- What pole?
- The pole my telephone is on.

What's it doin'
on a pole?

That's where your son put it
when he owned the company.

He said that--
Get me your son.

Oh, I can't wake Roy
this early in the morning.

Well, you woke me up,
so wake him.

Hold on.

[ Phone Ringing ]

- Hello!
- Good morning, Roy dear.

Oh, Mom.
Somethin' wrong?

Oh, no. I just had
a little go-around
with Mr. Douglas.

Oh? What's wrong
with the ding-a-ling?

Just a minute, Mr. Trendell.
I resent your calling me a--

Oh, is that you, ding?

What are you doing,
listening in on all the calls?

No, I'm calling you.

Well, call me back.
I haven't had my coffee yet.

Neither have I.
He made me unplug
my hot plate.

He did?
Now look here, Douglas--

You look here.
I wanna move this phone
from off of my pole.

Well, what are you
calling me for?
It's not my company anymore.

I know. You never told me
who does the repair work
for the company.

All right, I'll bring over
the belt and the tools.

Trendell sent it over.
That's very nice of him.
What is it?

That's the Hooterville
Telephone Company
Repair Department.

How did I ever
get mixed up with this?

Well, whatever you're
mixed up with,
you're the president.

The president of what?
A broken-down switchboard,

an old lady with a hot plate
and an imitation leather
tool belt.

It shows what
a wonderful country America is.

Yes.

Well, it is.
Two weeks ago, you were nothing
but a plain old dirty farmer,

planting your little seeds
in the ground and watching
them "shoosting."

And today, you are the president
of the telephone company.

Oh.
Well, why you's is a regular
Horatio Algebra story.

Horatio--
You know,
where the little boy,

Honest Harry,
started out with nothing
but a shoeshine box,

and ended up
taking over the bank.

Oh, yes, yes, that was
the kid that kept the gun
in his shine box.

No, that was his brother,
Nasty Tom.

He doesn't come
under the heading
of Horatio Algebra.

Look, Lisa--
But you do.

You became president
without a shoeshine box.

I am very proud of you.
Well, thank you.

But if I could figure out a way
to unload this phone company--

Howdy doody.
Hi.

Oh, Frick and Frack
are back.

No, it's Alf and Ralph,
the Monroe brothers.

Well, I hardly recognize them.
I haven't seen them
in several months.

I detect a note of sarcasm,
don't you, Ralph?

Yeah, with overtones
of nastiness.

I have a right
to be nasty.

You started on this room
six months ago,
and you never finished it.

What's he talkin' about?
Well, I don't know.
Looks finished to me.

The door still falls off.
The walls aren't plastered.
The floors are not finished.

Oh, yeah, there are
a few minor things.

Look, you two--
Where have you been?
We missed you.

Oh, we've been
working in the Orient
for the past couple of months.

- The Orient?
- Yeah, the Orient
Chop Suey Palace...

over at the county seat.

- Yeah, we remodeled
the Opium Den.
- The Opium--

That's what they call
the cocktail lounge.
Cute, isn't it?

Yes, it is.
Oliver, we ought to
go there sometime.

They have wonderful food.
For $1.40, you get egg roll,
chicken chop suey,

fried rice
and sweet and sour
fortune cookies.

Sweet and sour--

And for four people,
they add corn beef
and cabbage.

Why don't we
go there tonight?

It's okay with me.
Me too.

I'm not gonna have dinner
in some crummy Opium Den.

Well, if you don't come
with us, there'll just be
three of us.

We won't get
the corn beef and cabbage.

Maybe you could
get me a date.

Lisa.
But it's a shame to waste
corn beef and cabbage...

just because I'm single.

Look. Why don't you go
finish the dishes.

You haven't been here
for two months.

So instead of standing
around here socializing,
why don't you get to work?

Oh, that's not
why we're here.

No, we got this phone bill
from you while we were
in the Orient.

And a nasty letter saying
that if we don't pay the bill,
you're gonna take our phone out.

That's right.

Here.
Save you the trouble.

You have no right to cut the--

You had no right to send us
a bill. We made all those calls
before you owned the company.

That doesn't make any
difference. You owe the company,
and I now own the company.

That's right.
Put the screws
on the little people.

Yeah, bleed us.
Walk on our fingers.

- How much is your bill?
- $8.20.

For six months
of service.

$8.20 for six months?

See? Even he
can't believe it.

That's $1.37 a month.

Well, that's more than
we make some months.

Especially when certain people
don't pay us for the work
we've done.

How about that,
Mr. Certain?

When this bedroom is finished,
you'll be paid.

All right, when it's finished,
you call us, and we'll come
around for our money.

How can he call us?
He took our phone out.

Look, you owe
the phone company $8.20.
I'll tell you what I'll do.

Don't turn your back, Alf.
This is where
he takes out the shiv.

You want to hear
my proposition?

Sure, honey.

I'll forget the $8.20.

That's fine.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Douglas.

I am not finished.
I was going to say
I'll forget the $8.20--

That's great.
Thanks, Mr. Douglas.

Will you let me finish?

I'd like the phone taken down
from the top of the pole,

and a wire run from there
into the phone in the kitchen.

Now do you think
you can do that?
Well, sure.

Phone work's a cinch.
You've done it before?

Well, we cut the wire
off that one, didn't we?

I'm talking about
connecting wires
and splicing them.

Mr. Douglas,
a good carpenter
can do anything.

Yes, but can you?

Okay, Alf.
You start to make
the picket signs,

and I'll change
into my walking shoes.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
I apologize.

Now see if you can
connect the phone.

[ Hammering ]
Lisa, where's Eb?

Isn't that him hammering?
Oh, no, that's
Alf and Ralph.

They're running a wire
from the top of the pole
down to the phone here.

That's nice. I'm making up
my shopping list for Drucker's.

What would you like
to have for dinner?
You mean I've got a choice?

Anything that comes
in a can.

Well, how about--
That comes in a box.

You didn't even hear
what I was gonna say.

Your eyes had
that box look in them.

Well, Lisa,
whatever you want.

- How about a can of mink?
- Mink?

They're having
a special on them.

Three cans for $700.

Lisa, I got enough
problems. I can't--

Well, you can tell me
all about it while you're
driving me to Drucker's.

I can't drive you to Drucker's.
I'm almost two weeks behind
in my plowing.

The darned phone company
keeps me busy...

answering the subscribers'
complaints about the service,
the bills, the equipment.

Well, I am not complaining.

You're not a subscriber.

I could become one.

I could sit on your lap,
and you could give me
your sales pitch.

Lisa, I have no time
for mush.

There was a time
when you had time
for mush anytime.

Why, you were the mushiest.

Now you get a hold of Eb,
and you have him
drive you to Drucker's. Hmm?

Well, I either got to get
a stronger perfume
or a weaker husband.

Can't you suggest
anything for supper,
Mr. Drucker?

- How about lamb stew?
- Does that come in a can?

No, you have to make it.
I don't want
a "make it."

I want an "open it."

Have you got any of those
frozen double-purpose pizzas?

- What are they?
- Well, they're pepperoni
on one side,

and Dean Martin singing
"Arrivederci Roma"
on the other.

That sounds very good.

Oh, I don't carry
those anymore.

People kept playing
the pepperoni side by mistake
and clogging up their turntable.

Do you have anything else
I don't have to make?

I got something new
that's been pretty popular.

- Here you are.
- What's that?

Well, it's called Deedie's
Dehydrated Mason-Dixon
Chicken Dinner.

How does that work?

According to the directions
here, you just empty
the contents of this bag...

into a quart of boiling water,
boil it for five minutes,

and you get a complete
Southern-style dinner.

Fried chicken,
mashed potatoes,
corn on the cob,

corn muffins
and apple pie--
serves four.

That's fine.
I'll take it to the car.

Don't drop it in any puddles.
We don't want fried chicken
all over the street.

Yes, sir.
We'd better get going,
Mrs. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas told me
to come right back.

Well, thank you
very much, Mr. Drucker.
Oh, say, Mrs. Douglas.

Is Mr. Douglas all right?
He hasn't been here
in a couple of days.

Oh, he's been very busy.

Between the farm
and the phone company, he
doesn't have time for anything.

- Not even mushing.
- Mushing?

You know, where
I sit on his lap,
and that kind of stuff.

Oh, uh, yeah.
Well, I'll be glad
to help out.

Well, that's very nice
of you to offer,
but he'll find time.

Oh, I don't mean
with the mushing. I mean
to help out on the farm or--

If you really
want to do something,

you could buy
the phone company from him.

Well, I'm-- I'm pretty busy
around here.

He's having so much trouble.
All people do is complain.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
I've been in business
for 40 years.

I get more complaints from
my customers than I do orders.
Sometimes it gets me.

- Why don't you close up?
- I need the money.

Oh, well, Oliver isn't in
the telephone business
to get rich.

Although,
I would like him to.

He'd rather be appreciated
than make money.

- Yeah, well--
- He's the kind of a man
that is like a little boy,

when he stands up
and recites, "The boy
stood on the burning deck."

He doesn't want you
to throw pennies at him.

- He wants you to applaud him.
- Yeah, well--

And if people
don't stop complaining
and start applauding,

he's going to close up
the phone company.

- And he won't recite anymore.
- Yeah, well--

If they would only say
something nice to him
instead of complaining,

they find out
they get better results.

Like they say,
"You catch more herrings
with honey...

than you do
with sour cream."

You catch more herring?

Oh, Mrs. Douglas, that's "you
can catch more flies with honey
than you do with sour cream."

Ralph?
Oh, Mr. D, we got
your phone hooked up.

Oh, that's--
What is that?
What's what?

- That hole in the roof.
- That's a hole in the roof.

I know that.

Well, then why
did you ask?

Notice how we constructed
that hole so the outside came
right through to the inside.

What else is a hole
supposed to do?

I don't know.
It's the first one
we ever made.

Of all the--
Making a big hole
in the roof.

There he goes
complaining again.

Yeah. Don't you know you catch
more herring with honey
than you do with sour cream?

I believe you meant "you catch
more herring with honey than
you do with vinegar."

I mean--
I mean flies with honey.

It's against the law
to use flies with honey
to catch herring in this state.

What I'm--

- Never mind what I meant.
- We usually don't.

Is the phone working?

- Not yet.
- You said you had it hooked up.

Well, in here, but we still
have to connect it to the wire
on top of the pole.

Well, would you mind doing it?
And patch up that hole.

Boy, I'll never go
herring fishing with him.
He's no sportsman.

Oliver.
Not now.

What you doing?
I'm going over
these phone company records.

I don't know
how Trendell
stayed in business.

If these records are correct,
last year the company
lost over $6,000.

I'm not surprised.
The rates he charged
were too low.

He should have--
Can you tell me
about it later?

Could you chop some more wood
for the stove?
Yeah.

Well, what are
you cooking?
Hot water.

You're not making
that silly hot water soup
again, are you?

No. Tonight we're
going to have fried chicken,
smashed potatoes,

corn on the cob,
corn muffins
and apple pie.

- Sure.
- Well, we are.

Where's all the food
you're going to cook?

- In here.
- Oh, boy.

This is a bag of Deedie's
"Dehydrificated" Mason-Dixon
Chicken Dinner.

Deedie's Dehydrificated--

That means without water.
You see, all this stuff
is in here,

and you put it in the water
and it comes out
"undehydrificated" Mason-Dixon.

Fine, fine.
Now, have you got a little
can of something we could--

Howdy doody.
I just wanted to tell you
your phone's all hooked up.

You can use it
anytime you want.
Oh, fine.

That's good.
Wait a minute.

- What about that hole?
- You still on that hole kick?

Yes. Patch it.

Tomorrow.
Mom's waiting for us
for supper.

Why don't you stay here?

Yes, it would
serve you right.
We've got plenty.

Hey, is that a Deedie's
Dehydrated New England
Boiled Dinner?

No, this is
a Mason-Dixon chicken.

Mom's having a Deedie's
New Orleans's Pompano.

It comes with
a dehydrated bottle of wine.

Oh, I must try that
sometime.

Yes, yes. Now will you go home
and be here first thing
tomorrow morning.

[ Heels Click Together ]
Yes, sir!

You better wash up.
Dinner will be ready soon.

- Excuse me.
- Now what?

I forgot to salute.

Supper ready?

It's un-dehydrificating.

Good, I'm starved.
Then you'd better eat out.

Well, that isn't
a very nice thing to say.
[ Phone Ringing ]

Hey, the phone's working.
Yeah, we'll see.

Hello.

You don't put
your nose in there.
That's for your mouth.

I know.

Hello.
Oh, Mr. Drucker, yes.

It's for you.
Thanks.

Hello?
Yes, Mr. Drucker.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Oh? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Mm.

Well, that was
a scintillating conversation.

- It certainly was.
I gotta go.
- Where?

They're having a special
chamber of commerce meeting.

- Oh, I'll go with you.
- You're not invited.

- I'm a member.
- They don't want you.

- They don't--
- Remember when I said, "Mm"?

That's when Mr. Drucker said
be sure and not to bring
what's-his-name. So long.

How do you like that?
They don't want me
at their meeting.

How do you know?
They just said they didn't
want what's-his-name.

Well, I'm the only
what's-his-name
around here.

That's a fine thing.
They can think of my name
all right...

when they've got something
to complain about, but when--
Oh, forget it.

You'll feel much better
after you had a nice dinner.

Oh, stop talking
about a nice--

What the--

Do you want
smashed potatoes?
Uh--

I think we save
the apple pie for dessert.

[ Pounds Gavel ]
The committee to appreciate
Mr. Douglas is now in session.

What does that mean?
It means I missed The Beverly
Hillbillies to come here.

Well, I was gonna
clean off the gnats
on my window screens.

I missed a good dehydrificated
chicken dinner.

Will you please be quiet?

Why do we have to appreciate
Mr. Douglas?

Because Mrs. Douglas says
he's getting discouraged.

Yeah, well, if I was him,
I'd get discouraged too.

Roy, if you don't wanna
be on this committee,
just say so.

I don't wanna be
on this committee.

[ Pounds Gavel ]
Sit down.
Now, as I was saying--

Any of you fellas
had gnat trouble?

Newt. If Mr. Douglas gets
any more discouraged, he might
close the phone company.

All he gets are complaints.
And I think we oughta
do something...

to show that we appreciate
what he's doing.

I make a motion
that we appreciate him.

All those who appreciate
Mr. Douglas, raise their hands.

The motion is carried.
Meeting adjourned.

Dang-blasted, Roy,
you ain't runnin'
this meeting.

Now, I was gonna suggest
that we show our appreciation
in some concrete manner.

This has been one of
the worst years for gnats
I can remember.

Newt! Now, my idea was to give
a testimonial dinner for him.

Why don't we give him
a gold watch too.

He has a watch.
I don't.
Maybe he'll give it to me.

Eb. It's not a bad idea
to give him a testimonial dinner
and a gift.

If somebody would like
to make a motion.

Just a second.
As I see it, we have
several alternatives.

We can give him a dinner
and a gift, or we can
give him just a dinner.

Or a gift and no dinner,
or no dinner and no gift,
which is what I'm in favor of.

Roy, you're out of order.

I think it'd be nice
to give him a dinner.

Would you like to put that
in the form of a motion?

Well, I make a motion
that I think it'd be nice
to give him a dinner.

I second the motion.
Ah, point of information.

How much is this dinner
gonna cost?

Well, the Pixley Diner
has a choice of three dinners.

One for $1.35 a plate.
One for $1.65,
and one for $1.95.

I make a motion
we give him the $1.35 dinner.

All those in favor
of giving Mr. Douglas...

a $1.35 testimonial dinner,
raise your hand.

[ Pounds Gavel ]
Motion's carried.

There's only one way
I can see to keep
the phone company running,

and that's
to raise the rates.

That isn't a very nice thing
to do to your friends.

What friends?
All they do is complain.

Have a meeting
and they don't invite me.

As far as I'm concerned,
they don't deserve
any consideration.

[ Knocking ]
Aw, now who's that?

Hi, Mr. Douglas.
Hi.

Evening, Mrs. Douglas.
Hello, Mr. Drucker.
Mr. Trendell.

Good evening.
Would you fellas
like to have...

some dehydrificated
apple pie?

- There is still some left
in the pot.
- No, thanks.

We just came over
to talk to Mr. Douglas.

How was the meeting
I wasn't invited to?

Oh, fine.
We were talking about you.
I'll bet you were.

We got something to tell you.
I've got something
to tell you.

I'm going to raise
the phone rates.
You're gonna what?

I'm gonna raise
the phone rates.

Now, what did you have
to tell me?

Well, to show
our appreciation for everything
you've done for the community--

We're gonna cancel
your testimonial dinner.

Roy!
Well, I ain't gonna
pay a $1.35...

to show my appreciation
to a guy who's gonna
raise my phone bill.

Don't pay any attention
to him, Mr. Douglas.
The dinner's still on.

Aw, that's very nice.
I--

The people of Hooterville
want you to know they can do
something besides complain...

about the telephone service.
Well, I--

Which isn't great,
but they know you're trying.

Which isn't enough,
but they want to
give you the dinner.

Which is $1.35.
Well, yes--

Of course,
if you could see fit
not to raise the rates,

I might be able to
talk them into throwing
the $1.65 dinner.

Oh, no, no.
$1.35 is appreciation enough.

And I'll see if I can't do
something about the rates.
Thanks.

Good night, Mrs. Douglas.
Good night, Mr. Drucker.

You see, darling,
they do appreciate you.

Yes, I guess they, uh--
Uh-huh.

And maybe I can figure out
a way so that I won't
have to raise the rates.

You don't have to
do that tonight.

Do you, darling?

Well, it is
kinda late, yeah.

Oliver, I am not in the
chambers, but I would like to
show you my appreciation too.

Oh, how?
With a kiss.

Well, if it's all
the same to you, I'd just
as soon have the $1.35 dinner.

Oh, no, no, no!

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.