Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 6 - A Kind Word for the President - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Typing ]
[ Switchboard Buzzes ]

Oh, for cryin' out loud!

[ Buzzing ]

Hello.
Who do you
wanna talk to?

Newt Kiley?
Just a second.

I have to find out
which hole to plug in for him.

Newt Kiley. Kiley.
Newt Kiley, five by four.

One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four.

Hello, Mr. Kiley?
I got a call for ya.

Oh, Mrs. Wilson?
I'm sorry I disturbed you,

but according to Mrs. Douglas's
plug chart, you're supposed
to be Newt Kiley.



Well, don't complain to me.
Complain to Mr. Douglas.

He owns
this dingbat company.

No, he's not here.
Well, where do you think
he'd be this time of year?

He's out in the fields
squeezing his "termaters."

[ Tires Skid ]

Hi, Mr. Douglas.
Hi there, Mr. Kimball.

Say, I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to ask you--

Yeah, be with you
in a moment.

Agent Kimball calling
Headquarters. Agent Kimball
calling Headquarters.

[ Man, Garbled ]

You're coming over
loud and clear.

Well, not clear but loud.

My present location is, uh--
Whose farm is this, Mr. Douglas?

- Oh, boy.
- The Oboy Farm.

- Any instructions?
- [ Garbled ]

Yeah, your transmission
understood. Over and out.

Yeah, the chief
installed these in all
the county agents' vehicles...

so he could keep his men
at his beck and call.

Which reminds me,
did I call Beck today?

I'm sure I don't know.

You see, the chief's
on an efficiency kick.

I don't mean he goes
around kicking people
in their efficiency.

I mean, trying to
put some snap
in the boys.

Whoops, time
to check in again.

Say, do you see
a microphone around here?

Oh, you had it.
Well, you'd better watch it.

This is
official equipment.

Agent Kimball
calling Headquarters.
I'm presently at, uh--

- Where am I?
- Oh, for--

- The Ofor place.
- Uh, Mr. Kimball, I--

Over and out.
Modern communication's
a wonderful thing.

Yeah, back in the old days,
if I wanted to get in touch
with the chief,

I'd have to stop,
get out, light a fire,
send out a smoke signal.

Hope the Indians' secretary
was looking out the window.

Yeah, those days are gone,
except for the Indian secretary.

The chief
still keeps her around
to patch his canoe.

Well, there's nothing
like having your own
canoe patcher.

Yeah, he's impressed
by those status symbols.

Uh, Mr. Kimball,
I'd like to ask you a question.

When do you think
these will be ready to pick?

Oh, depends upon
what they are.

Yeah, if they're radishes,
you should have picked them
three days ago.

If they're crab apples,
yeah, it's too soft.

And if they're peas,
geez, these are
the wrong color.

These are tomatoes.

They are?
Yes.

Oh, yes, they are.
Well, Mr. Douglas,
you've done it again.

I don't know what you've done,
but you sure have a lot of 'em.

I resent your sarcasm.
Just tell me when they'll
be ready to pick.

Oh, uh, four,
five days, yeah.

I'll drop by then,
see how many pickers
you're gonna need to help ya.

Then all I have to do
is get on the horn,
call the picking pool and say,

"Send 10 pickers
to the Ofor place."

And those pickers
will be here just like that.

[ Tries Snapping Fingers ]

I think I got something
wrong with my snapper.

That's not the only thing
you've got something wrong with.

[ Snaps Fingers ]
Oh, it's working again.

Yes, sir, thanks to
modern communication,

you can have your pickers
here just like that.
[ Tries Snapping Fingers ]

It's broken again.

Mr. Kimball,
when I need the pickers,
I'll telephone the pool myself.

By the time you get
that dingbat telephone company
of yours to work,

I could call the pool
10 times and say,

"Send 20 pickers
to the Ofor place."

And those pickers
will be over here
just like that.

[ Tries Snapping Fingers ]
Doggone.

You don't know a good
snapper repairman, do you?

Mr. Kimball,
I resent your implication...

that my telephone company
is not giving good service.

It's not my implication.
It's the chief's.

He got in trouble with his wife
the other night because there
was no one at the switchboard,

when he tried to call
and tell her that he had to
stay late at the office...

to have his canoe patched.

Well, you tell the chief
that the telephone company
is now functioning normally.

Oh, you got an operator?
Yes, Eb is
at the switchboard.

No, he's not.
Eb, what are you--

I quit. You hired me
to be a hired hand,
not a hello girl.

All my friends are calling up
and trying to make
a date with me.

You know how fellas are
with telephone girls.

You mean to tell me
there's nobody
at the switchboard?

- Don't worry.
I put it on automatic pilot.
- Automatic--

Yeah, I plugged everybody
into everybody else.

If anybody wants to talk
to anybody, they'll just
have to take potluck.

Eb, I depended on you.
Oliver.

Oliver, lunch is ready.

Oh, as if I didn't have
enough trouble.

What did you say?

He said he's got enough trouble
without getting heartburn.

Eb.

Well, that's
a nice thing to say...

after I went to
all the trouble of making you
chicken noodle soup.

I'll be right there.
Would you like to stay
for lunch?

- I sure would.
- I am talking to Mr. Kimball.

About what?
Oh, lunch. Yes, I--

- [ Garbled ]
- Yes, Chief?

[ Garbled ]

Right away.
Yeah, I guess I'll
have to skip lunch.

Gotta get back to headquarters
There's an emergency.

Chief just put his foot
through his canoe again.

Through his--

Yeah, looks like we're in
for another long night
of canoe patching.

Eb, either you're going
back to the switchboard, or--
Oliver. Oliver.

Lunch is ready.
I'm coming.

What were you yelling
at Eb about?

He left the switchboard.
There's nobody
at the phone company.

Why, what difference
does it make?

Lisa, I took over
the phone company...

to prove that
I could give the valley
good phone service.

Well, now that you proved
that you can't, why don't you
forget about it?

I'm not about to.
It's important for the farmer
to be able to call for--

- What is that?
- Hot water soup.

- Hot water soup?
- Soup made out of hot water.

Just plain hot water?

What else you put
in a hot water soup?

You might put
a bouillon cube in it.

Why then it wouldn't be
hot water soup.

You said you were
going to make
chicken noodle.

Well, it isn't my fault.
It's the chicken's.

I looked at every one of them,
and none of them
had noodles on them.

Lisa, you don't--

All they had was feathers.
And I didn't think that you
wanted chicken feather soup.

No, they might tickle my--

Drink your soup
while the water is hot.

Nobody in their right mind
would drink hot water soup.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
I-- Oh, boy, hot water soup!

Nobody in their
right mind would, hmm?

That's what I said,
and there's your living proof.

If you call that living.

Golly, I always say
Mrs. Douglas makes the best
hot water soup in the valley.

- You like it?
- Oh, yeah.
It's finger-licking good.

Fine. We'll put some
in a bowser bag for you.

You can drink it
while you're at the switchboard.

I'm not gonna
run the switchboard.

Just till I find
a regular operator.

No, sir.
Eb--

[ Knocking ]
Who the--

That's a switch.
He usually says, "What the--"

I guess he's in more
of a "who the--" mood
today.

Yes.
Howdy.
I'm from the pickin' pool.

The picking--
Yes, sir.
My name's Whotha.

Harold Whotha.

I got your pickers
on the truck.
Pickers? What the--

No, Whotha.
Harold Whotha.

I could only get 12.
I'll bring the other 18
over later.

Eighteen?
No, there's been some mistake.

Mistake?

No, Kimball
called in for 30.
See, it says right here.

Thirty pickers.
Oh, for--

That's right,
the Ofor place.

You Mr. Ofor?
Yes, Oliver Wendell Ofor.

Look, I don't need any pickers
till next week.

But it says today,
Mr. Ofor.

My name is not Ofor.
But you just said
Oliver Wendell Ofor.

Yeah, I was being sarcastic.
My name is Douglas.

Oh, Douglas Ofor.

Look, let me try
to explain.

Mr. Kimball was showing me
how the shortwave radio works,
you see?

So, he picked up the microphone
and he called and said,

"Send 10 pickers
over to the Ofor place."

But he really didn't mean
to the Ofor place.
What he meant was--

The microphone wasn't
supposed to be on.

And he--
Hello there.

Oh, uh, this is my wife.
Pleased to meet you,
Mrs. Ofor.

Who is Mrs. Ofor?
You are.

Uh, what about
the pickers, Mr. Ofor?

No, I told you,
that was a mistake.
I'll call Mr. Kimball and--

[ Snaps Fingers ] I can't call
Mr. Kimball. There's nobody
at the switchboard.

Well, there's no hurry.
We get paid by the hour.

It's your money,
Mr. Ofor.

Oh, I have
no intention of--
Wait a minute.

Uh, anybody on the truck here
know how to operate
a switchboard?

Sí.

Who the--
Yes, sir?

Uh, no, I mean
who said that?

Oh, that's Carmelita.
Carmelita, would you
come on down here, please.

Sí.

Buenos días.
Hello there.

I am Mrs. Ofor,
and this is my husband.

Are you still using
the same name?

Stop. Uh, young lady,
do you know how
to operate a switchboard?

- Sí.
- You've run one before?

- Sí.
- You speak English?

Sí, I talk
a bunch of English.

She used to pick bananas
in Guatemala.

Uh, Miss.

You, uh-- I don't think
you can really handle the job.

You see,
your English isn't--
What's wrong with it?

When I first came here,
I used to speak
worse English than she did,

- but in Hungarian.
- Lisa--

Just because a person
isn't born with a silver tongue
in their mouth,

- doesn't mean
that they can't learn.
- Lisa, she--

When your father
first came to this country,
he couldn't speak English.

My father was born
in this country.

Speaking English?

Well, not right
at the start.

Well, then she can do
the same thing.

- Eb!
- I'm not gonna
run the switchboard.

Oh, you miserable--

Well, I guess that leaves you
with your feet over a barrel.

Whatever it was you said,
I guess it does.

Well, Carmelita,
you got the job.
I'm stuck.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Hungarian ]
You understand?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Hungarian ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

You're talking Hungarian,
and she's talking Spanish,
and you understand each other?

- Of course.
- Oh, that's impossible.

Oh, now you're against
the United Nations.

Who said anything
about the United Nations?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Speaking Hungarian ]

Buenos días.
This is your
Hooterville operator.

Who you wanna talk on?

Mr. Ziffel?
One moment por favor.

Aye, Mr. Ziffel.

Two over and three down.

Uno, dos.

Uno, dos, tres.

[ Sam ]
Hello?
Mr. Ziffel?

- No, this is Sam Drucker.
- Oh, well, I'm calling
Mr. Ziffel.

- Oh, you have the wrong number.
- No, I got the right number.
You got the wrong phone.

I think you made a mistake.

Hang up.
I'm gonna pull you out.

[ Loud Click ]

Hello?
Would you like to talk
to Mr. Drucker?

I know where
to plug him.

Oh, you're sticking
with Mr. Ziffel.

One moment, por favor.
I will have to check
with el presidente.

What do you wanna do
with the pickin' boxes?

[ Ringing ]

I wanna put a couple
at the end of each row...

so that when
the pickers arrive,
they'll save time.

[ Ringing ]

Well, you go right ahead.
I won't get in your way.

Well, that's very nice of you,
but you're gonna do it.

[ Ringing ]

Why does it always
work out that way?
Because you're the--

[ Switch Clicking ]

[ Ringing ]

That darn phone.

Lisa, the phone is ringing.
Answer it!

I can't.
I'm in the shower.

In the--
Gosh, I hope she doesn't
use up all the hot water.

I'd like some more soup.
Look--

[ Phone Ringing ]
Oliver, the phone
is still ringing.

I'll get it.

He'll be right there.

I'm still ringing
el presidente.

I am sorry. The only way you
can get through to Mr. Ziffel
is through el presidente.

Hello there. I was wondering
when you were going to show up
to answer the phone.

What are you doing
taking a shower
this time of day?

Now he's a bath monitor.
[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Ringing ]

- Hello?
- El Presidente?

- What?
- This is Carmelita.
Is this Presidente Ofor?

My name is Douglas.

I don't think it would look
right to call el presidente
by his first name.

- What's your problem?
- I have a call for Mr. Ziffel,

but I don't know where
to plug him in.

- Look at the chart
my wife made.
- I did,

and it says Ziffel
is a two by three.

But that's not Mr. Ziffel,
that's Mr. Drucker.

- Try three by two.
- Sí, presidente.

- And stop calling me--
- Hang up. I'm gonna
pull your plug.

[ Loud Click ]

You can take the shower now.
I don't wanna
take a shower.

Well, then why did you
tell me to get out?
To answer the phone.

But you already
answered it.
Forget it.

I gotta finish laying out
the boxes for the pickers.

- [ Ringing ]
- Lisa, will you answer that?

What did you get back
in the shower for?

Well, you didn't want
to take one.

- Oh, for--
- [ Ringing ]

I'm coming.

[ Ringing ]

- Hello?
- El presidente?

- Sí.
- I tried the three by two.

It's not Mr. Ziffel,
it's Mr. Miller.

Look, I'm trying to get ready
for the pickers. Can't you
figure it out for yourself?

- Don't holler!
- You told me you knew
how to run a switchboard.

You think you can run
the board better?

You're darn right
I could. I--
[ Hangs Up ]

Hello. Y--
Hello?

Hello!

Oh, you miserable--

What happened?
I think
Carmelita quit.

What now, el presidente?

Well, I'll tell you
what now.

I'm gonna get rid
of that phone company
once and for all.

You wanna run this
as a full-page ad, Mr. Douglas?
That's right.

Doggone, nobody ever run
a full-page ad in
the World Guardian before.

- It's too expensive.
- How much?

- Cost you eight dollars.
- Eight dollars?

- Well, everything's going up.
- That'll be okay.

Well, let me see
if I've got the wordin' right.

"For Sale:
Hooterville Telephone Company.

"No reasonable offer refused.
Contact Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Post office box"--

Wouldn't you rather
put your phone number
in the ad, Mr. Douglas?

How's anybody gonna call me?
I closed the office.

- You mean the phones
ain't workin'?
- I'm afraid not.

Well, doggone it, Mr. Douglas,
you know what you've done?

You've cut Hooterville
off from the world.

I doubt if they'll miss it.

But this is the heart
of the pickin' season.
People need their phones.

Mr. Drucker, I'm sorry.
I did the best I could.
I've got my own farm to run.

Howdy, gentlemen.
Hi there, Mr. Haney.

Eh, Mr. Douglas,
do you want this ad set in--

Mr. Douglas, I wonder
if you'd mind if I cut
in here for a moment.

It's very important.
Go right ahead.

I wanna take out
a full-page ad
in the World Guardian.

- You too?
- Is somebody else taking out
a full-page ad?

I am.
Oh.

- What do you want
in your ad, Haney?
- Uh,

"Telephone company wanted
by big spender.

Money no object."

Mr. Haney,
I know this will come
as a big surprise to you,

but I'm taking out an ad
to sell my telephone company.

You have
a telephone company for sale?

I knew
you'd be surprised.

I didn't expect
such quick results
from my ad.

Uh, Mr. Haney,
I'm looking for
a serious buyer.

Well, now would I take out
a full-page ad
if I wasn't serious?

Shall we get down
to the dickerin'?

Uh, just a moment.

If I were to sell it to you,
would you promise
to give the valley...

efficient,
conscientious service?

Mr. Douglas, I promise
to give it my full time
and attention.

Well--
Now about the dickerin'.
How much?

Five hundred dollars?

[ Snaps Fingers ]
It's a deal.

Well, there are the keys.

Thank you.
Now where's my $500?

Your $500?

You're supposed
to pay me.

Well, that ain't what you said
in your full-page ad.

It says "no reasonable
offer refused."

And I think $500
to take that rinky-dink outfit
off of your hands...

is more than reasonable.

I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you
the telephone company...

and the eight dollars
I was gonna pay
for the ad.

Just make the check
out to Haney Telephone Company.

- I think they're ripe,
Mr. Douglas.
- I'm about to--

- Yes, they are.
- That's very--

- Better get
the pickin' crew in.
- Yeah.

Where's Kimball
and his two-way radio?

I don't know.
Mr. Drucker usually knows
where he is.

I'll call him.
You start picking.
Yes, sir.

Haney Telephone Company.
Good morning.

Oh, hello, Mr. Haney.
How's it going?

Just fine.
Anything else
you wanna know?

- No.
- Then I'll just put you down
for 50 cents.

- What for?
- You asked how everything
was going,

and that comes under
the heading of information.

And all information calls
are 50 cents.

How can you charge 50 cents
for information?

It'll cost you another 50 cents
for the information...

on how I can charge 50 cents
for information.

Get me Mr. Drucker.

Station to station
or person to person?

What are you talking about?

- Are you asking
for information?
- No.

Well, it sounded to me
like you was.

Why don't we just split
the difference, and I'll
put you down for a quarter.

How can you possibly char--

No, let me rephrase that.
Drucker's is a local call.

Not since I re-zoned
the valley.

You re-zoned the valley?

In answer to your
50-cent question, yes.

Get me Drucker's.

Yes, sir.

- Hello.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Drucker.

I'm sorry,
your three minutes are up.
That'll be another two dollars.

Two dollars?
That's highway robbery.

I haven't even talked
to Mr. Drucker.
I've been talking to you.

It don't make no difference
who you talk to.

It's two dollars
for three minutes.

Look, you--
Oh, Mr. Drucker.

- Yes, sir.
- [ Bell Dings ]

I'm sorry.
Your three minutes are up.

That'll be another
two dollars.

Don't tell me it was three
minutes. It couldn't have been
more than 10 seconds.

All I said was,
"Do you know where"--
[ Bell Dings ]

- Wait a minute!
- I'm sorry about that.

My bonger went off
half cocked.

Haney, what are you
trying to pull?

That'll be 50 cents
on your bill, Sam.

Look, Haney,
I ain't gonna pay
you any 50 cents for--

[ Bell Dings ]

Now whose bill do I put
that last bong on?

Forget it.
I'll find Mr. Kimball myself.

- Oliver, is this one ripe?
- Yes.

- What about this one?
- Don't you know anything
about picking tomatoes?

No, I never did
any tomato picking.

- Just lint picking.
- What?

Well, when my father
owned the Budapest
Dry Cleaning Company,

I used to pick the lint
of the pants pockets
before he pressed them.

Keep picking.

What happened
to all those pickers
you were gonna get?

By the time I found Kimball,
they were all working.

It's gonna take us three weeks
to pick these and--
Stop pushin'!

Move!
Now see here, Fred.

You heard him, move.
Hello, Mr. Haney.

Just keep picking.

What's going on here?
You need some help?

I certainly do.
Start pickin', Haney.

- Now, see here.
- It's either that,
or the tar and the feathers.

Tar and feathers?
We're teaching Haney
a lesson...

for trying to gouge the valley
with those phone calls.

I wasn't gouging.

Now, I'll admit
I got a little overanxious
with my bonger.

- What's a bonger?
- Keep picking.

Uh, look,
I do need his help,

but he ought to be back
at the phone company.
He decided to give that up.

You mean you found
someone stupid enough
to take over?

We sure have.
Give him the keys, Haney.

Wait. Oh, hey, no!
Nice to have you
back at the helm.

- I don't wanna be back--
- Three cheers
for el presidente.

[ All ]
Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé!

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.