Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 8 - Eb Elopes - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Holy smoke!

What's the matter?
Do you know
what time it is?

Ten to 9:00.
The way you can tell that
is when the little hand...

is on the nine
and the big hand is on--

I know how to tell time.

Well!
Then what did you ask me for?

The darned alarm
didn't go off. I was
supposed to get up at 6:00.

Then why don't you go
back to sleep?

There will be another 6:00
coming up later on today.

That Eb should've
waken me up. We've got
a lot of work to do today.

Eb! Eb!
[ Ringing ]



Oliver. 6:00--
time to get up.

Oh, for--
[ Ringing
Continues ]

Oh, that
darned alarm clock!

You can stop ringing now.
We're awake.
[ Ringing Stops ]

You see,
you don't have to yell.
You just have to talk nice.

I wasn't yelling.
I just--
[ Ringing Resumes ]

- Here!
- Shh!

[ Ringing Stops ]
There is an old Hungarian
saying about that--

I'm not interested
in any Hungarian--

Eb! Eb!

Eb, it's 9:00!
You up?

Eb! Eb!

Holy smoke--
Ooh!

Eb's gone.
Gone?

[ Coffeepot
Clatters ]
Ohh!

Oh, Lisa!
would you please be more--
Where did he go?

It says here in the note
that he--

He would have stayed
if you had given him the raise.

No, that isn't it.
He says here he left--

Because he was sick and tired
of you yelling at him.

Lisa, will you
let me read the note!
[ Ringing ]

So is the alarm clock--
sick and tired. Shh!

[ Ringing Stops ]

Lisa,
you wanna hear this?
Yes.

Sit down.
"Dear Mom and Mr. Douglas."

Isn't that sweet.
He calls me "Mom"
and you "Mr. Douglas."

Yeah. Yeah.

- "I have eloped."
- He eloped with a ladder?

No, I imagine it was a girl.

Well, knowing Eb--

- Oliver, our son is married.
- He's not our son.

Well, he's half our son.
He called me Mom
and you Mr. Douglas.

- Lisa.
- Who is the girl?

"The girl and I have been
fairly good friends for years.

I can't tell you her name,
because I don't want
her father to know."

That's strange.
You'd think her father
would know her name.

Yes, you would.

Uh, "We are going
to Niagara Falls
on a honeymoon...

"and from there to New York
and then to Chicago
and the Grand Canyon.

"Then we plan to spend
three weeks or more in Hawaii,

depending on how much
of my $130 I have left."

That sounds like
a wonderful honeymoon.

$130-- they're lucky
if they get to Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls.
Don't you wish we had
gone there on our honeymoon?

- I thought we did.
- We went to Atlantic City.
Don't you remember?

Oh, yes. I remember
the hotel and that small room
and the service was terrible.

But I can't remember
who I was with.

Well!
Don't you remember
the black lace nightgown?

Oh, yes.
I haven't worn that since.

- Oliver!
- "We'll be back in a few weeks.

"I called my cousin Walter,
and he agreed to take my place
while I'm gone.

Very truly yours, Eb."

I think
I'm going to cry.
Oh, come on.

- What's there to cry about?
- Eb got married.

Let the girl cry.
It's her problem.

- We ought to do something
for Eb and his wife.
- Like what?

Why don't we build
a little honeymoon cottage...

with an electrical kitchen
and a big bedroom...

with a fireplace
and a bay window?

And when they come back,
we could move there,
and they could have this place.

Lisa,
I'm not building anything.

Who's that?

Ah, yes.
You Mr. Douglas?

That's right.
I'm Eb's cousin,
Walter.

Oh, how are you?
Nice to have you here.

Say, it sure is a shame
about your house.

What did it--
flood or a tornado?

We haven't had a flood
or a tornado.

- Well, then, what did happen?
- Nothing.

- Would you like to come in?
- Is it safe?

- Now, look. You--
- Hello there.

Howdy.
This is Eb's cousin,
Walter.

Hello, Cousin Walter.
I'm Mrs. Douglas.

Well, I'm pleased
to meet you, ma'am.

Won't you come in?
Thank you.

Oliver,
bring in Walter's suitcase.

Say, uh,

you folks ain't hippies,
are you?
No!

Oh, well, it sure looks like
one of them "sick-and-delic"
rooms they live in.

Uh, we're
not interested in--
You can put my bag down.

Oh, thanks.

Won't you sit down?
Yes, ma'am.

Say, this thing is dead,
ain't it?

- Yes, it's dead.
- Just wanted to make sure.

I once sat on a bearskin rug
that grabbed onto me.

Well, it's not a grabber.
Isn't it exciting
about Eb eloping?

Yeah. Say.

Anybody ever tell you
you look like Conway Tearle?

Not recently.
Who is "Tonway Curl"?

Conway Tearle.
He's an actor. Used to--

Do you know the girl
that Eb married?

Well, I know he was sparkin'
one of the Ledderman twins,

but I don't know
which one it was,
Elizabeth or Robert.

Well, it certainly
wasn't Robert.

Why not?
She was real "purty."

On the other hand, Elizabeth--
He was ugly as sin.

Eh, come on. I'll show you
where to put your stuff.

Uh, you can have Eb's room
over the barn.
Okay.

We, uh-- Uh, oh, wait.
Uh, what about your bag?

Oh, you can bring it
over later.

Uh, now see here, uh--

Let's get
something straight.

I'm not carrying
your suitcase.

You're working for me.

If you don't like that
arrangement, you go back
to wherever you came from.

- Stankwell Falls.
- Stankwell--

Come on. Let's get started.
I got a lot of things
for you to do.

Oh,
I can't do 'em today.
Why not?

Today's my day off.
What?

I always
take Wednesdays off.
Here, you get Tuesdays.

And Wednesday?
Doggone, this is gonna
be better than Stankwell Falls.

You get one day off--
Tuesdays.
Oh.

Well, I guess
that'll be all right.
Fine.

Now, come on.
I'll show you your room.
You can change your clothes.

You don't like my suit?
No, it's all right.
It's all right.

I mean, get into
your work clothes.
Oh, yes, sir.

Hello, Eleanor.

Ready, Mr. Douglas.
Fine.

Now, the first thing
I want you to do is--

- What the--
- Somethin' wrong?

- What are you wearing?
- My work clothes.

What kind of work clothes
are those?

- I'm a bartender.
- Oh, for--

I've been workin' a split shift
over at the Stankwell Falls
Cocktail Lounge.

Haven't you ever
worked on a farm?

Yes, sir.
What do you want me to do?

The first thing
I want you to do
is milk Eleanor.

How do you do that?

I thought you said
you worked on a farm.

I did-- Tony's Farm. It was
a roadhouse on the outskirts
of Stankwell Falls.

You never worked
on a real farm?

No, sir.

Why did Eb send
you down here?
Well,
he knew I was out of work.

You see, they suspended
the cocktail lounge's
liquor license...

[ Huffs ]
for havin'
a crooked iron claw machine.

A crooked iron claw--
The boss had it gimmicked...

so's all it would pick up
was the stale candy.

You couldn't get the radio
or the wristwatch or--
Look, Walter.

Walter, I'm afraid
I can't use you.

That's okay.
Can I have my two weeks'
severance pay?

What are you talking about?

It's part of
the Bartenders' Union's
Minimum Basic Agreement.

I didn't hire you
as a bartender!

I'm sorry, sir,
but once I put on
my workin' clothes,

I come under
the Minimum Basic Agreement.

What'll you have, sir?

Would you like to try
a Stankwell Falls fizz, sir?

- What's that?
- It's two parts applejack,

two parts vermouth,
a jigger of maple syrup
and a prune.

Oh, boy.
Well!

I didn't know
it was going to be
a formal milking.

I would have worn
a long dress.

Walter
is a bartender.

Oh. I'll have a martini.

Yes, ma'am.
Where do you keep the--

This is not
a bar and grill.

Why did you hire
a bartender?

I didn't know
he was a bartender.

Do you know how to make
a Monte Carlo punch?

No, ma'am.
But if you'll tell me how,
I'll try.

Well, it's two part applejack,
two part vermouth,

a jigger of maple syrup
and a prune.

Oh, we call that
a Stankwell Falls fizz.

Well,
it's a small world.

Yes, it is.
Uh, Walter.

Eb left me in a tight spot.
Would you like to try
your hand at farming?

Well,
I don't see why not.
Good.

Uh, but you can't work
in that outfit.

Uh, I'll take you to Drucker's,
and get you some overalls.

Fine.
Oh, Mr. Douglas.
Yeah.

Before we leave,
could I make you
one for the road?

Eb eloped?
Yes. Yes.

Oh, this is, uh,
Eb's cousin, Walter.

Walter, this is--
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.

You're the Bloody Mary,
easy on the Tabasco,

- but lean on the vodka,
right?
- [ Stammers ]

I never forget
what a customer drinks.

You must have me mixed up
with somebody else.

I've never been
in the Stankwell Falls
Cocktail Lounge.

- How did you know that
that's where Walter worked?
- [ Stammering ]

- Well, uh,
somebody mentioned it.
- You did.

Oh, I, uh-- Yeah.
Well, I-I may have
stopped in there once.

Gladys
sends her love.

Gladys?

She was a cocktail waitress.
She had a thing for Sam.
Ohh!

Oh, yeah. Well, it was nothing.
Uh, what can I do for you,
Mr. Douglas?

She named the baby
George.
What?

Oh, well, I--
[ Clears Throat ]

Finally gave up on Sam
and married the fry cook...

- down at the Elk's Hall.
- Elk's Hall.

Uh, what can I do
for you, Mr. Douglas?

Well, uh,
we want some overalls
for Walter here.

Oh, they're
right over there.
Help yourself.

I-I, uh--
I can't get over Eb runnin' off
and gettin' married like that.

Yes. Yes.
It was a shock to us too.

I've justiced of the peace
every elopement in the valley
in the last 30 years.

I don't know why
he'd go to somebody else.
Ain't nobody can beat my rates.

- I'm sure that--
- My ceremony ain't fancy,
but it lasts.

Yes, I'm sure that he--

For $8.00,
you get the ceremony,

a framed copy
of the weddin' certificate,

a list of a dozen
discount honeymoon hotels...

and a half a bag
of throwin' rice.

Mr. Drucker,
I'm sure that Eb missed
a great bargain.

Say, uh, who was that girl
that Eb ran off with?

I don't know.
He didn't say.

How are these?
Oh, yes, yes.
Fine.

Uh, you'll need
a pair of work shoes now.

They're right over there
in those boxes.

Hey, guess what
I just heard at the bank?
[ Chuckles ]

No, couldn't have been the bank.
That's been closed for 15 years.

Oh, I must have
heard it in the, uh--

No, we don't have
one of those in Hooterville.
Do we?

- What did you hear?
- About what?

- I'm sure I don't know.
- Then what did you ask me for?

- Well, you said you heard--
- Oh, that.

Guess who ran off
and eloped?
Eb.

Who told ya?
He left us a note.

Any place
I can try this stuff on?

- Oh, in the back.
- Say, don't I know you?

Oh, uh,
this is Eb's cousin, Walter.
Walter, this--

Don't tell me.
He's the scotch
and goat's milk.

Scotch
and goat's milk?

With a slice
of orange
and two olives.

Yuck!

Now I remember him.
He was the, uh, whatchamacallit
over at the whos-its.

Sam and I used to go over
there every Saturday night.

Sam would
hang around Gladys.

I hung around
the iron claw machine.

He didn't do
as good as I did.

At least I got a drawer full
of stale candy out of it.

Look, Hank,
you don't have to tell
everybody about--

Say,
who did Eb marry?

We don't know.
All he said in the note
was that he eloped.

Oh, the same kind
of note my father left
my mother when he eloped.

No, that isn't right.
He wouldn't have left
my mother a note,

because
he eloped with her.

Guess he left me the note.
No, he wouldn't have left me
the note,

because I wasn't
even born yet.

Come to think of it,
I don't even think
he left a note.

Mr. Kimball,
would you mind--

Say, do you want me
to look for somebody
to take Eb's place?

Oh, uh, Walter's
gonna work for me.

Oh, gonna open
up a bar and grill, huh?

Smart move,
the way you run a farm.

- Walter is gonna be
my hired hand.
- Oh, he ever done any farmin'?

No.
I'm going to teach him.

You're going
to teach him?
[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

What's so funny?

Oh, uh, nothing.
Except, uh--
[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughing ]
I have learned
enough about farming...

in the last couple of years
to be able to teach him.

- How's this?
- Oh, that's fine. Fine.

Now, all you need
is a work shirt,
and we're all set.

Now, all you have to do
is go down each row
and hoe out the weeds.

You think
you can do that?

Just because I'm Eb's cousin
doesn't mean I'm stupid.

I didn't say that.
Uh, are there any questions?

- Just one.
What time is lunch?
- 12:00.

Uh, do you bring it out to me,
or do I come in for it?

You come in for it.

- How long do I get for lunch?
- One hour.

Does that include
walkin' to the house
and walkin' back?

No, I send a car for you.

Oh. That's fine.

Walter, just do your work.
You'll have plenty of time
for lunch.

- What are those for?
- Wine glasses.

I thought as long as we have
a bartender, we ought to have
wine for lunch.

- Oh, why did Eb have to elope?
- Don't you wish you had eloped?

With whom?

You know, we could have eloped,
but your mother insisted
on a big church wedding...

so you could show
all your friends that
you finally hooked a man.

How would like
to have a hot lap?
Whoa! Wait! I'm teasing!

I was the one that wanted
the big wedding...

so I could show all my friends
how lucky I was to get
such a beautiful girl.

- What was her name again?
- Oliver!

You're cute.
Oh.

Where's Walter?
He should've been here
for lunch an hour ago.

I'd better go and see
if anything's wrong.

Walter!

What have you done?

Just what you told me--
pulled up all the weeds.

You knucklehead!
You pulled up the corn!

These are the weeds!
Are you sure?

[ Sighs ]
They look a lot healthier
than that junk.

Oh, for--
Well, I'll be glad
to put the junk...

back in the ground
for you, Mr. Douglas.
No.

If you wanna do something,
drive the tractor in.

Yes, sir.
[ Groans ]

- You do know how to drive,
don't you?
- Yes, sir. I'm very mechanical.

I used to fix
the iron claw machine
down at the lounge.

[ Tractor Motor
Starts ]
Well, that isn't a--

Don't worry.
[ Gears Grinding ]

It sounds a little bit
like the iron claw machine.

- That's not an iron--
- Nothing to it!
See you back at the house.

[ Groans ]

He went through the fence,
and then he plowed up
four acres of tomatoes.

And then he went
across the road,
pausing just long enough...

to take the front end
off a highway patrol car...

and came to a gentle stop
in the Ziffels' living room.

I figure the whole jaunt
won't cost me any more than...

$2,800.

Well, he's never done
any farming before.
He'll learn.

Not on my farm, he won't.
I told him to pack up and--
[ Knocking ]

That's probably Walter now
for his money.

- Howdy, Mrs. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas.
- Hello, Mr. Haney.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, would you mind
steppin' outside for a moment?

I wanna get your okay
on somethin'.
Okay?

Thank you.

Now, if you'll
just sign right here.

- Sign what?
- What you just okayed.

I didn't okay anything.

Oh. Well, if you'll
just step outside then.

Certainly.

He said me,
not you.

Ooh! What the--
What is that?

- Classy, ain't it?
- It certainly is.

- Lisa, will you--
- Smartest move you ever made,
Mr. Douglas--

givin' up farmin'
and turnin' this place
into a cocktail lounge.

I'm not turning this place
into a cocktail lounge.

Then why did you
hire a bartender?

I didn't hire
a bartender.

Well, now,
step over here, folks.

Beautiful, ain't it?
I like it
better than the sign.

Is the length satisfactory?

Well, it isn't
as big as the one they had
at the Stork Club.

That's where I met Mr. Douglas.
He was sitting at one end
of the bar...

and I was sitting at the other,
and he kept giving me the eye.

I wasn't giving you the eye.
I was trying to attract
your attention.

You were hogging the pretzels.
I never saw such
a pretzel hogger in my life.

Well!
If that's what you thought
I was doing,

then why did you ask me
to pay for your drink?

Folks, I sure enjoy listenin'
to your reminiscin',

but, uh, there's another fella
over in Pixley that, uh,
wants to buy this.

- He can have it.
- Mr. Douglas,

you don't wanna pass up
a great bargain like this.

- Yes, I do.
- No, he doesn't.

- Lisa, will you--
- I'll make you a good price
on it.

I wouldn't have it
at any price.

They weren't pretzels.
They were peanuts.

So you're a peanut hogger.

Shall we get back
to the distressed merchandise?

I picked this up at
a "now-defuncted" cocktail
lounge in Stankwell Falls.

Now, not only
do you get this bar,
but you also get...

this complete
amusement center,

consisting of one
iron claw machine.

They had one of those
in the Stork Club.

- I never saw it.
- It was in the ladies' room.

Oh.
Shall we step
over to the bar...

and wrap up the deal?
Look.
Look, I-I've--

Mr. Haney, do you
have change for a dollar?
Yes, ma'am.

Lisa, you can't win
anything on this.
It's crooked.

That's why
they "defuncted" the, uh--

er, closed
the Stankwell Falls Lounge.

Here is
your dollar change,
ma'am.

Thank you. My husband
will give you the dollar.

I won't
give him anything.

I'll just put it on your
bar bill. Now, if you'll
just step over here.

Please, will you
let go of me. I--

Notice that bar rail?

That's made out of
genuine plastic brass,

which is guaranteed
to outlast the real thing
2-to-1.

I don't care
if it's made out of--
Oliver.

Do you want
some stale candy?

I told you you're wasting
your money on that thing.

Now, try and slip.

What?
This bar top
is made out of ripple wood,

which is famous for not
skiddin' under any conditions.

Not only does it keep
the customers from falling off--
Oliver.

- Do you need a wristwatch?
- Did you get that in there?

Mr. Douglas, now I hate
to say this, but I think
your wife is dishonest.

'Cause that wristwatch
was glued down tight.

You think she's dishonest,
and you glued the wristwa--

Now, you will notice that
the bar stools are equipped...

with the safety belt
as prescribed
by the motor vehicle code.

It keeps the customer
from falling into the path
of an oncomin' beer truck.

Mr. Haney, that's
the most ridiculous--
[ Machine Clatters ]

Oliver, do you want
a "transministor" radio?

Fine!
Mr. Douglas,

if your wife
continues doin' that,

I'm gonna have
your liquor license took away.

I don't have
a liquor license.

You don't
have liquor license?
[ Machine Clattering ]

Oliver, do you need
a liquor license?

Did you get that--

Now, Mr. Douglas,
you've got your license,

and you're all set up
for business.

You just need
one more thing--
a cocktail waitress.

Gladys!

My eyes are goin' bad on me.

Give him
the come-on smile, Glad.
[ Laughs ]

No customer
can resist that.

You oughta see the way Glad
passes amongst the tables.

Really makes
the customers thirsty.

I can see where she'd
drive a man to drink.

That smile near ruined
Sam Drucker's life.

I've had about all
I can stand for one day!

Now, you take your nonskid bar
and your safety-belt
bar stool...

and your gay '90s
B-girl and--
Mr. Douglas!

Cocktail time.
Your Stankwell Falls fizz, sir.

Oliver, that's
the first time I ever saw
a drink hit you like that.

It was the prune.
The pit went down
the wrong way.

What are you
going to do
about Walter?

I don't know,
but I'm not gonna make
any decisions tonight.

I'm gonna go to bed--
[ Knocking ]

Who is that?
[ Knocking
Continues ]

Just a minute!

Oh,
glad you're still open.

What are you talking--
We saw your sign
from the road.

Come on, Mabel.
What are you--

There's been a--

What'll it be,
folks?

Oh, for--

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.