Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 5 - Oliver Takes Over the Phone Company - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Alarm Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues, Stops ]

Good morning, children.

It's 5:00 a.m. and time
for our Porky Pig festival.

[ Grunting ]

But before we bring you
the two exciting hours
of Porky and his friends,

here's three minutes
of the latest news...

from the WPIXL-TV newsroom.

- [ Squealing ]
- Today's big story
comes from Hooterville...

where Roy Trendell turned over
the ownership of the Hooterville
Telephone Company...

to Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas.



Here's the scene as photographed
by your on-the-spot reporter
yesterday afternoon.

Mr. Trendell explains
why he's disposing
of the phone company.

[ Clears Throat ]
Well, I'll tell you why I'm
disposing of the phone company.

I got tired of listening
to the bellyaching
of the subscribers.

I'm a farmer,
but I spend more time...

listening to stupid complaints
than I doing workin' my farm.

And when this hothead here
starts to go into--

Just a minute.
I am not a hothead.
Will you show a little courtesy?

I'm still president
of the company till I
turn the keys over to you.

All right now.
Now as I was saying,

when this hothead here
starts agitating with
the public utilities commission,

I said, "If you think
you can run the company
better than me, it's yours."

Now there are the keys,
and good luck to you.

[ Announcer ]
Mr. Douglas, have you
got anything to say?

Uh, yes, yes.

Uh, first of all, I'd like
to say that I resent
being called a hothead.

Uh-- What are you doing?
Your nose is shiny
for the camera.

- [ Grunting ]
- Lisa, I don't care
if my nose is shiny for--

Now, uh-- I, uh--
What was I saying?

You were saying that you're
not a "headhot."

Oh, yes, that's right.
I'm not a headhot.

No, no. I'm not a hedgehog--
hedgehog. I--

Golly! What's
goin' on here, Dad?

[ Muttering ]
Eb, will you stop
calling me Dad?

Now, I was saying, uh--

You were saying that you're
not a hedgehog.

Oh, yes. Yes,
I'm not a hedgehog,

and I wanted--
Could I wave
to my mother? Hi, Mom!

[ Grunting ]

May I say something?

Well, you see, my husband
wasn't always the president
of the telephone company.

In New York,
he was a lawyer,

but he wanted to get
away from the city
and the rats and the races,

and he wanted to live
on the farm and plant
the little seeds in the soil...

and watch them "shoosting" up
toward the sun and the sky--

Yes. Lisa, you don't
have to go--
I'd like to say something...

about Mr. Douglas,
the "seed-shooster."

- [ Grunting ]
- Look, if the two stooges
will be quiet,

I would like to say
that I will do my best
to run the phone company,

and I promise you that
from tomorrow morning on,

every subscriber will receive
prompt, courteous
and wide-awake service.

[ Knocking ]
[ Eb ]
Mr. Douglas!

Oliver. Oliver, wake up.
Mr. Douglas!

What? Hmm?
Eb is knocking.

Mr. Douglas!
It's 5:30.

[ Knocking Continues ]
What does that crazy--
All right, I'm coming!

Eb, do you realize
it's 5:30 in the morning?

5:30? That's what I wanted
to know. Thank you.

Wait a minute!
Now what's the big idea?

Oh. Well, every morning
when I get up,

I call the phone company
to find out the right time.

But now that you're president
of the phone company,

I thought I'd get it straight
from the horse's mouth.

Eb, I was fast asleep.

You don't happen to know what
the weather's gonna be, do ya?

Yes. For you, stormy.
Now beat it!

Oliver, what did Eb want?
Oh, he wanted to see me--

What are you doing up?
I am going to make you
your breakfast.

It's 5:30!

Well, today it's your first day
at the telephone company,
and you don't want to be late.

It wouldn't look good
for the help.

Help? We got one employee--
Sarah the operator.

[ Knocking ]

If that's that Eb--

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Trendell.

Well, now that you've
slept on it, I guess
you want your company back.

No, I came over to complain
about the service.

What's your beef?
I'll tell you
what it is.

I've been trying
to get a call through
for the last hour,

and there's nobody
on the switchboard.

Where's Sarah?
My mother quit.

Well, why did she do that for?

She wouldn't work for him
after he stole
the company from me.

What are you talking about?
I didn't steal
the company from you.

You-- You gave it to me.
That's not Mom's version.

She's goin' around tellin'
everybody how you got me drunk,
lured me into a poker game...

and won the company from me
with a marked deck.
What?

That's the way he won me
from the count.

Only that time he did it
with loaded dice.

Lisa, please.

How dare your mother
go around telling everybody
a story like that!

She never said a word
about the count.

I am talking about my stealing
the company from you.

Now you tell her that
if she doesn't stop this,

I'm gonna drag her
into court and sue her
for defamation of character.

Oh, a mother-suer.

No, I am not a mother-sue--
Well, whatever you are,

you'd better get down to that
telephone-company office and get
that switchboard operating,

or I'm reporting you to
the public utilities commission.

Don't you worry about that.

In 10 minutes, I'll have that
company running better than
you had it running in 15 years.

Sure you will.
Just all you have
to do now...

is to pay the bill
and leave the company to me.

[ Lisa ]
"Ervice is ur mott."

Do you know what
that means in Hungarian?

It means that the customer
is chopped liver.

[ Chuckles ]
It's supposed to read,
"Service is our motto."

Oh? Do you know what
that means in Hungarian?

Don't you want to know it?
It's very sexy.

People only say it
to each other.
After you.

Well, aren't you
going to carry me
over the threshold?

Lisa, this is
a telephone office,
not a honeymoon.

It could be.
Lisa.

Wow! This is
certainly something
to be president of.

What do you expect
of a company that's got
34 subscribers?

It has an automatic
"shade-upper."

Yeah, an automatic
shade-upper.

It's hot in here.

Of all the--

I think the same fellow
who built our house...

must have built this place.

If you want to do something
constructive, get a cloth
and clean up around here, huh?

I guess it gives you
a great feeling of power...

to be able to order
us little people around.

Yes, it does. Now will you
find a cloth and-- and--

Where?
Uh, I don't know.
Look in there.

Maybe there's one
in there.

All they have here
is "pretty" cash.

Petty ca--

They keep their petty cash
in an unlocked drawer? Oh!

Oh! Oh!

What are you going to do
with that?

Well, I'm not going to--
I'm going to try to--

Good morning, Mr. President,
Mrs. President.

Good morning, Mr. Kimball.

Say, if I were you, I wouldn't
let the game warden
catch you with that.

The hunting season
hasn't opened yet.

Mr. Kimball, will ya
help me get this off?
Off what?

My hand!
Oh!

Trying to swipe
the petty cash, huh?

No, I wasn't.
[ Grunts ]

[ Exhales ]
Well, I guess a man that would
get another man drunk...

and win his telephone company
from him on a crooked
roulette wheel...

would do anything.

It wasn't a crooked
roulette wheel.
It was a marked deck.

I thought that's how
Mr. Douglas won you
from the count, huh?

No. That was
with loaded dice.

You just can't
play straight, can ya?

Lisa, will you go over
to Drucker's...

and get a broom
and some dustcloths?

Did you ever run
for dictator of anything?

Go!
[ Scoffs ]

Oh! Oh, oh.

Boy, these rhinoceros traps
really work.

- Rhinoceros?
- Yeah.

See? Right there.
"Rhinoceros Brand Traps."

There's their motto
right there.
[ Chuckles ]

"A Rhinoceros trap
really grabs ya."

[ Grunts ]
This motto was written
by the same person...

that wrote the motto
on the window--

"Ervice is ur mott."

Know what that means
in Portuguese?
I haven't the slightest idea.

Right. I didn't know
you understood Portuguese.

Oh, boy!

Look, Mr. Kimball,
I am very busy,

and I know that you are...
whatever it is you are.

Uh, could you state
your business,
if you don't mind?

My telephone isn't working.
May I use yours?

Please, help yourself.
Thank you.

Hello? Hello?

- Your phone isn't
workin' either.
- Oh-- Oh, yes.

There's nobody on
the switchboard. Sarah quit.

Oh, well, this is
an official call--
very important.

I'll try to put
the call through for you.

- Mr. Kimball!
- Oh, uh, yes, sir?

- Pick up the phone.
- Oh, yes, sir.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

Mr. Kimball, did you
pick up the phone?
Yes, sir.

Well, that's strange.
The switchboard didn't--

Ya dummy. I meant take
the receiver off the hook.

You said pick up the phone.
Take the receiver
off the hook.

How's that?

Fine.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing Stops ]

Hello?
Hello, Mr. Kimball?

Just a minute.
Uh, I'll see if he's here.

- Oh, Mr. Kiley.
- ♪♪ [ Whistling Continues ]

Hello. Hello?

No, Mr. Kimball ain't here,
but I'll be glad
to take a message.

Don't bother.

Hello, Mr. Kimball.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see
that you were on the phone.

Oh, well, I'm not on the phone.
I'm just holding it.

Say, you know
what time it is?
Yes. It's 9:30.

9:30? Oh, I've got
an appointment with, uh--

I don't remember who it's with,
but that's when it was,
and I oughta show up, huh?

I was wondering-- Maybe you
could take over for me.
Yes, of course.

No, ya hold it like this.

Yeah, there we are.
Now what do I do?

Uh, whistle.
♪♪ [ Whistles ]

I don't know
how to whistle.
Oh.

Well, then just
hum something.

♪♪ [ Humming ]
Well, I sure do
appreciate this.

Bye.
Bye.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

[ Straining ]

♪♪ [ Humming Continues ]

- Hello. Uh, Mr. Kimball?
- No. This is Lisa.

- Who is that?
- This is Oliver.

Oliver, where are you?
I brought the broom and--

I'm at the switchboard.
Uh, where's Mr. Kimball?

He had to leave, so I'm
holding and humming for him.

Oh, for the love of--

What the--

So that's the name
of the game.

Well, of all the--
Lisa, hang up.

[ Buzzing ]

Hey, I thought
I told ya to hang up.
The hook broke off.

- [ Buzzing Continues ]
- What now?

[ Oliver ]
Hello?
Mr. Douglas? Hank Kimball.

Yeah, I'm over at Newt Kiley's
place. He said you were trying
to get in touch with me.

Forget it.

[ Buzzing ]

Ow! Ooh! Ah!

[ Oliver ]
Lisa, please sweep
somewhere else.

I've got to concentrate
on these records
that Mr. Trendell kept.

You're the boss,
and I'm just a serf.

- Yeah, good.
- Anytime you want
to go surfing.

Lisa, please.
Uh, just be quiet.

Your wish is my command.

Lisa, now what?

I'm just doing
a little ear tickling.

Well, I don't need
my ear tickled.

How about the
back-of-the-neck kissing?

No!
Lap sitting?

[ Sighs ]
Lisa, would you--

Well, I think I found the--

Oh, sorry. I didn't know
you folks were
on your coffee break.

Would you get up, please?

Are you through using me,
Mr. Douglas?

Lisa, will you--
If your wife calls,
what should I tell her?

Get up, will you?

- [ Sighs ]
We're married.
- Oh, I didn't say nothin'.

Uh, did you fix
the switchboard?

Well, I don't know much
about switchboards.
I'm an electrician.

Well, that is,
I'm a part-time electrician.

I'm really a taxidermist,
but this is my slack season.

How about the switchboard?

I think I found the short.
There's a bunch of loose wires,
and I soldered 'em all together.

Why don't we test it?
The light's supposed to go on...

when you take the receiver
off the hook.

- Oh, you don't have a hook.
- My wife broke it off.

Yes. She came in, and she
caught me kissing him,
and she lost her temper.

Lisa, the man doesn't enjoy
your sense of humor.

We're really married.
Well, look, it don't make
any difference to me.

Uh, if I was the president
of the company, I'd probably
be doing the same thing.

Lots of fellas prefer this
to taking stock options.

Uh, you owe me $4.80.
That's for time,
labor and materials.

- How do I know
the switchboard's working?
- If it lights up...

and starts buzzing and stuff
like that, it's okay.

- And suppose it doesn't?
- Well, then, uh,
just give me a ring.

Wait a minute though.
You won't be able to
if it's not workin'.

You know,
it's a big problem.

Course not as big as the problem
I had when a fella brought
an elephant in to be stuffed.

- That thing was so big--
- All I'm interested in is the--

[ Switchboard Buzzing ]
Oliver,
it's working!

Yeah. Let's have a look.

Oh, uh-- Uh, could I please
have my $10.90?

I thought you said 4.80.
Oh, that's before I knew
it was gonna work.

Send me a bill.
All right.

Very nice to have
met you, Miss, um--
Uh, Bradfinger.

Lisa Bradfinger.

Uh, Miss Bradfinger?
Yes, honey?

Why don't you take
the afternoon off?

Here.

Go for a ride.

[ Buzzes ]
Hello?

You should have more
of a smile in your hello.
Shh!

Like, "Hello, this is
the 'Hootersville'
Phone Company!"

Will ya be quiet? I--

No, no. No, no. Not you.
I, uh-- What do you want?

You're supposed to say,
"Number, 'pul-ee-uz.'"

Will you stop
bothering me?

Uh-- No, no.
You're not bothering--

What number, pul-ee-uz,
do you want? Hello.

No, I haven't been belting--

Who do you want?

Fred Ziffel?
Fred Ziffel.

Now where is Mr. Ziffel?

Uh, this one looks
like a Ziffel.

Hello? Mr. Ziffel.

Mrs. Miller? Oh--

Oh, I'm sorry I got you
out of the bathtub.

What is Mrs. Miller doing
taking a bath
at Mr. Ziffel's house?

I plugged in
the wrong phone.
Excuse it, please.

Pul-ee-uz.

I just won this company
with a marked--

I mean, I just took over
the phone company.

If you'll give me a message,
I'll be glad to see
that Mr. Ziffel gets it.

What?

The same to you, Mac!

What did he say?
Nothing you're allowed
to say on a telephone!

I've got to get somebody
to take over this switchboard!

Oh. Oh, Mr. Haney.
Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Hey, I hear that you got
Roy Trendell soused up...

and hustled him
out of his phone company
in a crooked pool game.

Mr. Haney, please.
Maybe for once
you can help me.

I need--
First things first.

May I have
my $40,000, please?

$40,000?
That's the amount
that I lost...

due to the inefficiency
of your phone company.

What?
I will amplify that.

I had a dream...

that a certain stock was due
for a spectacular rise.

So at cock's crow
this morning,

I jumped out of bed
and put through a call
to my brokers--

Fishberger,
Fishberger, Fishberger,
Fishberger and Frye.

- Look--
- You may have seen their act
on the old Keith circuit.

They was billed as
the Four Fishbergers and Frye.

Oh, they had a great act.
They used to read head bumps.

Well, it was only natural...

that when vaudeville died,
they become stockbrokers.

Give me patience.

Now as I was sayin',
all day I tried to call
the brokers to buy the stock,

but your switchboard
didn't answer.

Well, when the market closed,

I'd found that the stock
had gone up 40 points.

Well, a thousand shares
times 40--

That's $40,000.

You were going to buy
a thousand shares?

I'm a plunger.

Now if you don't have
the cash, well, a check
or tradin' stamps will do.

Mr. Haney, uh, would you like
to earn, uh, five dollars?

Five dollars?
Uh, yes.

All you have to do is
to get me a telephone operator.

A telephone operator?

- Doggone if I don't believe
that I got one on my truck.
- On your truck?

Just another service
of the Haney Curbside
Employment Agency.

Uh, well-- Well--
Stand back.

What the--
Let's see now.

You wanted a telephone
operator, you say.
Yeah.

He's a cocktail waitress.

She's a fandango dancer.

And he's an atomic scientist
on a leave of absence.

I just can't believe it.

Doggone, I was sure
that I had a telephone
operator on the truck...

when I left home
this morning.

She must've
bounced off someplace.

Now don't worry.
I'll find her.

All right, folks.
We're movin' out.

Oh, and, uh,
just remember,

10% of each pot goes
to the Haney Curbside
Employment Agency.

Oliver, it's 8:00.
When are we going to go home?

We can't go home.
This is a phone company.

Somebody's gotta be here
24 hours a day.

But you don't know
how to run a switchboard.

All you do is sit there
and stare at it.

Well, somebody's gotta be
on duty to stare at it.

Well, forsaking all the others,
what is your main problem?

My main problem is that I can
take the incoming calls,

but I don't know which holes
to plug in to get them
the person they want.

I think I got a solution.

I got a solution too--
get ahold of Roy Trendell,
get him stoned,

get him into a poker game
with a marked deck and deal
the company back to him!

I'm fed up!

Why, that doesn't
sound like the same
Oliver Wendell Douglas...

who stood up in Congress...

and dumped all the tea
overboard.

Well, I was much more
of a tea-dumper in those days.

Oliver!
Lisa, you just sit there
and stare at that board...

and let me try to figure
a way out of this mess.

- Oliver? Oliver!
- Huh?

Come in here, quick!

What's the matter?
I think I got it
figured out.

What?
Who do you want
to talk to?

Uh--
Pick a name and read
what it says,

and I plug them in
for you.

Well, uh--
uh, Newt Kiley?

Newt Kiley-- He's
at three by three.

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

Hello? Mr. Kiley?
Good.

I just want
to show my husband
I know where you were.

Uh--
Pick another one.

Um-- Well, Drucker--
Four by two.

One, two, three, four.
One, two.

Hello? Mr. Drucker?

I just wanted to make sure
that you are where you're
supposed to be.

Good night.

- It works good, doesn't it?
- Yeah, but how--

While you were "schnoozing,"
I called up everybody,
and I asked them who they were.

Then I counted how many rows
down and how many rows across
they were on the "punchboard."

- Uh, switchboard.
- No, punchboard.

I got the idea from my father.

He was the head of the Budapest
Punchboard Company.

Do you know
what a punchboard is?

Yes, it's something you
take a chance on.

You, uh-- You select
the number you want,
and then you punch it out.

That's how
my father got rich.

He never put any lucky numbers
in his punchboard.

- [ Buzzing ]
- Lisa, your punchboard
is ringing.

[ Buzzing Stops ]
Hello?

This is the Hootersville
Phone Company.

Who do you want?
Mr. Bennett?

One moment, pul-ee-uz.

Mr. Bennett is
at two by five.

One, two. One, two,
three, four, five.

Oliver, there's
something in there.

"Number 74. You have just
punched the lucky number."

- What?
- You won first prize.

The Hooterville Phone Company.
Good ni-ight.

Oliver-- Oliver,
wait a second.
[ Buzzing ]

You have to wait
for a moment.

Uh, hello?
Who do you want?
[ Buzzing Stops ]

Well, I have to get
a three-by-six
for a Mr. Four-by-two,

and an eight-by-nine
and a six-by-two...

and a one-by-eight
and a two-by-three...

and a nine-by-six
and a one-by-five--

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.