Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 4 - Oliver vs. the Phone Company - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Well, crank it up again, Eb.

Yes, sir.

[ Metal Whirring ]
What's that?

Holy smokes.
Hey, hold it!

Of all the miserable,
no-good--

Save your breath.
You may have to give it
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Our driveshaft
is broken.

Say, that's
a pretty good guess.

Is there any place
around here we can get parts
for a Hoyt-Clagwell tractor?

No, sir. You'll have
to call the factory.

- Hello there.
- What are you doing up here?



I'm expecting a phone call.
What are you doing up here?

Oh. Well, I've got
a broken driveshaft.
I've got to call--

Well, then you shouldn't be
climbing any telephone poles.

Uh, it's not my driveshaft.
It's the tractor. I've got
to call the factory.

Don't tie up the phone.

I'm expecting a call
from your mother.
She calls every Thursday.

Yeah--

- Today's Wednesday.
- Oh?

Well, I guess I climbed up
a day early.

Hello. Sarah?

[ Buzzing ]

Hello? Hello!

It doesn't feel like Wednesday,

because Wednesday always feels
like a day after Tuesday,

and today feels like
a day before Friday,
which is Thursday.

Fine. Uh-- Hello!

[ Buzzing Continues ]

[ Buzzing Stops ]

[ Sarah's Voice ]
Your Hooterville operator
is out to lunch.

Please call back in an hour.
This is a recording--

Hello? Hello!
a recording--

a recording-- a re--

Your recording has a stuck
needle. Please excuse it.
[ Chuckles ]

- Who said that?
- Said what?

That my recor--

That my recording
has a stuck needle.

I thought it was your driveshaft
that was giving you trouble.

No, there's nothing wrong
with my drive--

Today is Thursday,
and I'll tell you why.

I don't want to know why.

[ Buzzing ]

Will you please stop flashing
the light? You're gonna
wear out the battery.

Mr. Kimball?
What are you doing there?

Gee, I don't know.
I just stopped in
to pay my telephone bill.

- First thing I knew, Sarah put
me in charge of recordings.
- Well, where is Sarah?

Oh, uh, we have a recording here
that explains the whole thing.
I'll play it for ya.

I heard the recording about
the Hooterville operator
being out to lunch.

Oh. Hey, did you hear
the flip side?

"The Hooterville operator's
at the dentist. She'll
be back in two hours."

When will Sarah be back?

- From where?
- From lunch!

Oh, she's been back
from lunch.

She had to go home
and baste her rump roast.
[ Chuckles ]

To baste her rump--

We didn't have a recording
on "had to go home
to baste her rump roast,"

so I played
the "out to lunch" recording.

- Oh!
- Sarah always makes
a rump roast on Thursday.

- Today is Wednesday!
- Oh, it is?

Boy, she's gonna be pretty upset
when she finds out...

she's basting tomorrow's
rump roast today.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, boy.

Look, Mr. Kimball,

do you suppose you could put
a long-distance call
through for me?

- Through where?
- The switchboard!

Oh.

Gee, I-- I don't know.
I never done that before.
[ Chuckles ]

But a county agent is
trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly,

courteous, kind, obedient,
cheerful, thrifty, clean,
brave and reverent.

Or is that a Boy Scout?

Well, whoever it is,
why don't we have a go at it?
Who do you want to call?

I want to call
the Hoyt-Clagwell factory...

in Fargo, North Dakota.

Huh. Let's see.

Gee, I don't think we're
gonna be able to help ya.
We don't have a Fargo hole.

Oh, forget it.

Lisa, that phone company is--

Lisa! Where are you?

Down here.
I'm all ready to go.

- Go where?
- To "Hootersville."

Well, aren't you going to yell
at the telephone company?

And when I got
to the phone company
office, it was closed.

I guess Sarah didn't
get back from her bastin'.

What right has she--

Anyway she's basting
on the wrong day.

No, she always bastes
on Thursday.
Today is Wednesday.

Then how come Mr. Kiley
said she was basting?

I don't care what he said.
It's ridiculous.

The office was deserted. Nobody
was there-- not even Kimball,
the phone company disc jockey.

I looked through the window.
Seemed that everybody is
trying to get a call through.

The switchboard was lit up
like a Christmas tree.

Oh, that is a Christmas tree.
Sarah's a little late
taking it down.

Sarah's a little late
on a lot of things.

Not with her basting.
She's a day early with that,

that is, if today is Wednesday,
which I don't think it is.

I don't care
if it's Wednesday,
Thursday or Friday. She--

Oh, the telephone office
is closed all day Friday.

All day--
Didn't you ever hear
that recording?

"Your Hooterville operator
is gettin' her hair done.

Please call back at 6:00."

I never realized it was
closed all day Friday.

What? The poor woman has to have
her hair done sometimes.

She can't do it
on her basting day.

That's ridiculous!
Suppose there's a fire.

We make sure that we
don't have any fires
unless Sarah's on duty.

How can you control--

Look, suppose you're sick.
You need a doctor.

He doesn't look sick to me.

No, I didn't say
he was sick.

Then why does he
need a doctor?

Uh--
[ Sighs ]

Look, I had to make
an important call
this morning.

I needed a part
for my tractor.

I tried to get a call through
to the Hoyt-Clagwell factory
in Fargo, North Dakota.

Even if Sarah was there,
you couldn't get
through to them.

She doesn't have a Fargo hole
on the switchboard.

She could call Chicago.
They'd route it through there.

Maybe they don't have
a router hole.

Every phone company's
got a router hole.

Well, not a router--

Uh, Sam, look,
can I use your phone?
Maybe Sarah's back.

Help yourself.
It's under the counter.

- What's the matter with this?
- That's the longest cord
the phone company had.

I've been after 'em
for five years
to give me a longer one.

Fine thing.

My phone is on top
of a pole. This one--

Hello.
[ Sarah's Voice ]
Your Hooterville operator...

is having
rump roast trouble.

Call back in an hour.

They got to be kidding.

People don't kid about
rump roast trouble.

Rump roast trouble?
That's a new recording.

At least it ain't in
the phone-company album I have.

- They put out an album?
- Yeah, the company gives 'em
to you as a bonus...

if you don't complain about
anything for a whole year.

Well, I'll never get an album...

because I intend
to complain every day
until they improve the service.

That knothead Mr. Trendell
doesn't know the first thing
about running a phone company.

- Hi, Roy.
- Hi, Sam.

Douglas, Newt.
You were saying?

Yes. I was saying that you
don't know the first thing
about running a phone company.

You left out that Mr. Trendell
was a knothead.

Have you got some kind
of a complaint?
Yes, I have.

- You're going to blow
the bonus album.
- I don't care.

Mr. Trendell, your company has
the worst service imaginable.

Oh, let's not deal
in generalities.
Let's be specific.

- I got the "sespific." Our--
- Lisa, will you let me handle
my own "sespific"?

Sesific-- Sesp--

Specifics.

I know how to say it.
"Speficics."

Ever since we moved here,
our "pone" has been
on top of a "fole"!

- You are in a tizzy.
- Well, you would be too,

if you try to get a call through
for four hours and there's
nobody on the switchboard.

Nobody on the switchboard?
No.

- Can I use the phone, Sam?
- Go right ahead.

- Sam, did you put
this cord in yourself?
- No!

Well, you must've because
they're not supposed
to be this long.

Oh, hello, Sarah.
No, just checking to see
how everything is.

Nobody there, huh?

Oh, I meant to tell you.
Uh, when you have a few minutes,

would you take
the Christmas tree down?

Good girl.

Well, she wasn't there
when I called before.

Are you sure you know
how to use a telephone?

One part is the mouthpiece.
That's the part you talk into.

I know how to use a phone.

Yes, he does. He took
phone lessons in New York.

I never took phone lessons.

Then where were you
those two nights a week...

when you told me you were
going to phone school?

Oh, well, I--
No, I-- I never--

Uh, that's got nothing
to do with this.
Sam, can I use your phone?

[ Sam ]
Help yourself.

Hello. Sarah? Hello?

[ Sarah's Voice ]
Your Hooterville operator is
taking down the Christmas tree.

Call back in an hour.
This is a recording.

I like that one.
Why-- Why don't you put it out
as a single at Christmastime?

The only way you can improve
the service is to fire Sarah.

Would you fire
your mother?

Mother?
Holy smokes.

I gotta get home for supper.
Mom's havin' rump roast.

Just a minute.

Do you realize
your phone company
is a public utility?

And unless you
improve the service,

I intend to get up a petition,
take it to the public
utilities commission...

and have them
cancel your franchise.

Be my guest,
but not for rump roast.

Well.

Isn't that a fine attitude
for the president
of the phone company?

Doesn't he realize
what the telephone means
to the American farmer?

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]
That thin strand
of copper wire...

is his lifeline
to the outside world.

It's his means of communication
with the marketplace,

tells him about
what to do with his crops,
what the weather will be.

And in time of need,
it brings the doctor.

Without the telephone,
the American farmer's isolated,

cut off from civilization!
♪♪ [ Ends ]

I agree with you, Mr. Douglas.
I'll sign your petition.

And I will too.
Well, thank you,
gentlemen. Thank you.

Now we'll get
some action!

So, I'm going around
to all the subscribers,

asking 'em
to sign this petition
against the phone company.

Well, I ain't got
no real beef with 'em.

You're satisfied
with the service?

Yep.

Well, how about
the equipment?
Okay.

They put the phone
where I wanted it,

gave me the color
I wanted-- green.

Yes, but...
what's the hammer for?

Well, that's
to hold the hook down
so the bell will ring.

There's supposed to be
a receiver here.

Well, I didn't get
one of them.
Why not?

Well, at the time
they put the phone in,

they didn't have the receiver
the same color as the other
part of the phone.

- But they're lookin' for one.
- Since when?

1922.

How can you use a telephone
without a receiver?

Oh, you kind of
get the hang of it.

Look, if somebody calls ya,
how do you know who he is?

Well, I got a list here.
Everybody's got a time to call.

See, Ben Miller
calls at 10:00.

Sam Drucker
calls at 11:30.

- [ Rings ]
- Excuse me.

Uh, what time is it?
Oh, it's 3:15.

I ain't got nobody down
for 3:15.

Must be for you.

[ Mouths Words ]

Why, Mr. Douglas.
Hi, Mr. Haney.

I, uh-- I just
came over to--

Now you didn't have
to come over. I was gonna
deliver it to ya.

Deliver what?
Irving Two Smokes.

May I congratulate you
on purchasing...

one of the finest examples
of cigar-store art
in existence?

Mr. Haney,
I didn't order that.

You didn't order
Irving Two Smokes?
No.

Then how come he's got
a sold sign on him?

That doesn't mean anything.

Well, it's got your name
on the back.
[ Laughs ]

"Balance owed by
Mr. Douglas-- 98.50."

Look, I, uh-- I--
Now if you'll just
make out the check to cash,

it'll save a lot of trouble
between me and the government.

Mr. Haney, I just came over
to ask you to sign
my petition...

for the phone company.
Well, all right.

While you're signin'
my check, I'll be signin'
your "pertition."

Oh, no. I'm not
signing anything.

You ain't?
No, I'm not.

I said "ain't."
I don't care what you said.

I'm not buying
that monstrosity.

Well, it looks like
we've arrived at one
of them Mexican "stand-ups."

In other words, unless I,
uh, buy that thing,

uh, you're not gonna
sign my petition?

Now, Mr. Douglas, do I look
like the kind of fella...

that would pull
a sleazy trick like that?

Yes, you do.

All right. I'll show you.
Where do I sign?
Right here.

Oh! Ooh, looks like
my writer's cramp is
coming back on me.

All right, Mr. Haney,

I'll give you
three dollars for Irving.

Uh, some of the stiffness
seems to be leavin'.

Four dollars.

Yeah, it seems to be
loosenin' up.

- Five.
- I'm cured.

I don't know why
I can't go with you.

Oh, I'm only gonna
be there overnight.

I've never been
to a "republic
futility commercial."

[ Chuckles ]
It's not a republic
futility commercial.

It's a public "fertility"
commercial-- commission!

Well, anyway, I'm just gonna
present the petition...

and my arguments to revoke
the phone company's franchise
unless they improve the service.

- Are you going to take
the fifer with you?
- The fifer?

You know, the fellow
who always plays the fife
for your speeches.

What are you talking about?
I'm not gonna make any speeches.

I'm just gonna go there
and demand action.

Promise me you won't
lose your temper with the
republic futility commercial.

Stop saying that.

You see, you're not even there,
and you already lost
your temper with them.

I promise you I won't
lose my temper. I'll keep
calm and cool and--

Who put this
stupid Indian here?

Where did this come from?

Mr. Haney just delivered it.
You owe me $15. It came C.O.D.

I already paid him.
I gave him five dollars.

He said that was just
a down payment.

It's $15 on delivery
and $15 every month
thereafter...

until the full amount
of $212 is paid.

- Take it back.
- Wait a minute, Oliver.
I like him.

His name is Irving Two Smokes.
He's a model of a real Indian...

that used to stand out in front
of the cigar store in Pixley.

They had him "woodified."

Woodified? Will you
get him out of here?

Oliver, we could
use an Indian.

- What for?
- Protection.

He could stand
in front of the house
and keep the cowboys away.

Bye, dear.
Bye.

Bye, Eb. Bye, Irving.
I'm sorry I can't stick around.

I'm due
at the state capital.

- Is there an Oliver
Wendell Douglas here?
- Yes, sir.

Would you come forward,
please?

- Gate's stuck.
- Would you mind
climbing over it?

Excuse me.

I beg your pardon.
I'm so sorry!
Please forgive me.

Just state your case.

Uh, gentlemen of the, uh--
the republic futilities
commercial--

I mean, the--
the public "fertil"--

I got that from my wife.
She's always--

No, she says the public
utilities commission.

No, the-- Yes, the public
futilities commission.

Well, anyway she--
When she--

Uh, Mr. Douglas,
if you'd like to come back
when you're sober--

I'm not sober! I'm--
Well, I mean, I-- I--

Look, I'm just trying to explain
when she gets things--

- If you'll just state
your business.
- Yes. Well, oh, uh--

I represent the subscribers
of the Hooterville
Telephone Company.

All of the members have
signed this petition,

and if you'll notice
all the names--
Mr. Douglas. [ Clears Throat ]

- Are all of these
signatures legitimate?
- Of course!

One of your subscribers
is named Irving Two Smokes?

Oh, no.
That's a wooden Indian.

- A wooden Indian?
- Well, no. A real Indian
that's woodified.

He stands out in front
of the cigar store.

And he left his post
to sign this?

Well, no. No, uh,
Mr. Haney probably
signed his name there...

when, uh-- when I bought
the wooden Indian...

in order-- so that he--
Mr. Haney would sign
the petition.

Then this, uh, signature
was paid for?

Oh, no! No, no. I, uh--
The Indian was paid for.

[ Chuckles ]
You see, Mr. Haney
didn't want to, uh--

Just cross his name off.
The rest of them
are all legitimate.

Assuming they are,
what is it you want
to petition us to do?

To improve the service
of the Hooterville
Telephone Company.

- And what's wrong
with their service?
- Well,

the operator's always taking off
to get her hair done
or to baste her rump roast.

The equipment
is beyond belief.

My phone
is on top of a pole!

And Mr. Drucker's phone--
The cord is so short,
you gotta answer it like this.

Mr. Ziffel--
All Mr. Ziffel's telephone has
is a mouthpiece and a hammer.

It doesn't have a receiver!

He can-- He can talk out,
but he doesn't know
who's calling him!

- Well, now that's very--
- Would you believe...

the Hooterville telephone
company switchboard
does not have a Fargo hole?

We got a real beaut here.

I think I've got a way out.

- [ Clears Throat ]
Mr. Douglas.
- Yes.

You said these signatures
belong to all the subscribers
to the telephone company?

Except for
Irving, uh, Two Smokes.

- Then there are only
34 subscribers?
- That's right.

- Then I'm afraid
we can't help you.
- Why not?

Well, you see, Mr. Douglas,
this commission...

has no authority over
any public utility...

that has less than
42 subscribers.

What?

But you can come back again
and see us when the company
gets eight more.

What kind of a stupid--

I declare this hearing
is closed.

Oh, darling, you're home.
Yeah, what I--

Before you tell me
your bad news, let me
tell you my good news.

Irving works.
He what?

While you were away,
not a single cowboy showed up.

I'm not interested.
Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!

Ow! Will ya let go?

I just want to congratulate you.
That petition sure got action
from the phone company.

- It did?
- Yeah.

The minute Mr. Trendell heard
about your goin' to the state
capital, he whizzed right over.

Yes, he took the phone
down off the pole
just like you wanted him to.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Uh, where did he put it?

- In Mr. Ziffel's house.
- What?

And Mr. Drucker got our cord
so he doesn't have to talk
like this anymore.

Mr. Trendell gave our phone
to Mr. Ziffel?

Yeah. You should've seen him
the first time it rang
and he answered it.

Tears came to his eyes.

It's the first time since 1922
he's heard a human voice
on the telephone.

Wait till I get
that Mr. Trendell!

You had no right
to take my telephone
and give it to Mr.--

Well, you're always
complaining about the service,

so I figured that's the best way
to solve your problem.

- Now you've got
nothin' to yell about.
- I certainly have.

- How'd you make out with the
public utilities commission?
- Oh, well, uh--

Eight subscribers
too few, huh?

- Yes, but--
- I could've told ya that...

and saved you going up there
and makin' a jackass
out of yourself.

- I didn't make--
- And palming off Irving
Two Smokes as a subscriber.

Mr. Trendell, may I
ask you a question?

If it's civil.

You don't seem to care very much
about the telephone company,
do you?

No, I don't.
It interferes with my farming.

- Then why did you buy it?
- I didn't buy it.

I used to be a subscriber
like you, always complainin'
about the rotten service.

Then one day I went into
the office to raise Ned with
the man who owned the company.

One thing led to another,
and he said,

"Do you think you could
run this company better?"
and I said, "Yes."

Then he hands me the keys,
and the next thing I knew,
I'm in the telephone business.

Well, I don't know
how he ran it,

but you certainly haven't
improved the service.

I suppose you could
run it better.

You're darn right I could.

Very well.

You just got yourself
a telephone company,
and good luck.

It always happens, Oliver.

Every time you open your mouth,
somebody sticks
a phone company in it.

I didn't know he was go--
[ Huffs ]

Anyway, I'll show him I can
run it better than he can.

But you don't know anything
about how to run
a phone company.

Lisa, do you know what made
this country so great?

People who didn't know
what they were doing...

doing it.

- ♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]
- When the early settlers
first landed...

on the barren shores
of Massachusetts, did they
know how to shoot Indians?

No! They had to learn
how to shoot Indians,

and they also had to learn
how to shoot turkeys.

That's how the American
economy got started,

because certain men had
to make the ammunition,

which they sold to the men
who shot the turkeys.

And the men who shot the turkeys
sold the turkeys to the men
who made the ammunition.

And pretty soon the turkey men
made enough money to buy
fancy clothes for their wives,

but there wasn't anybody
to make the clothes.

So, somebody started
the garment industry
in New York,

where they employed
thousands of people...

who needed transportation
and housing.

♪♪ [ Continues ]
So, somebody went
into the tenement business,

and somebody else went
into the subway business,

and from that, America became
the great industrial nation
that she is today.

And if they can do it,
I can run a telephone company.

Darling, you can.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

You don't have to play
the fife anymore.

He's through
with the speech.

♪♪ [ Ends ]
Thank you,
and have a nice week.

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.