Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 29 - A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 1 - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Okay. "On Saturday night
the Hooterville Barn and
Repertory Company presents"--

Now, who put the elite P's
in with the pica P's.

Now, where was I?

"The Hooterville Barn
and Repertory
Company presents...

"a new...

"spine-tinglin' play...

"entitled Who.

Who is the story of--"

- Mr. Drucker.
- Be right with ya.

"Who is the story of
be right with ya"?

Oh, doggone it.



Gee, I hope we didn't
interrupt anything.

Well, I could be polite
and say you didn't,
but you did.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Well, not as sorry as I am.

Oh. Here are your two tickets
for the theater.

They're, uh, 75 cents apiece.
Oliver, pay him
the 75 cents apiece.

- For what?
- No. They're for Who.

What?
No, Who.

Let me rephrase the question.
These are two tickets
for a play?

- Right.
- Now, what's the name
of the play?

- Wrong.
- What's wrong?

Right.

Uh, let me try
once again here.

There's a play Saturday night.
Right?

Could you tell me
the name of it?

Who.
Either one of you!

The name of
the play is Who.

Just Who?

The full name of the play
is Who Killed Jock Robin?,

but we have such a small marquee
on the playhouse, that all
we have room for is Who.

Last year we did
What Price Gloria?, and all
we had room for was What.

- Oh.
- Oh was three years ago.

Oh, Tell Me, Pretty Maiden.

Look, Mr. Drucker--
Pay him for the tickets,
Oliver.

We'll only need one.
I can't go Saturday night.
I've got something on.

What?
My pajamas.
I'm going to bed early.

Well, you're gonna miss
one of the best plays
we ever put on in Miller's barn.

It's a mystery. It was
written by one of our local
authors, Huntley Huldane.

And guess
who's the star of it.
Columbo.

- Columbo?
- Newt Kiley's police dog.

- A dog star?
- Oh, he's a great actor.

You'll see for yourself.
He'll be there,
Mr. Drucker.

Oliver.
Hmm?

- Aren't you going to
get dressed?
- For what?

No. For Who.
Tonight is the play
with the dog.

Have a good time.

Oh, Oliver.
You promised to take me.
Now go put on your tuxedo.

A tuxedo to a barn?

But it's opening night.
Now go get dressed.

Look, honey.
It's Saturday night.
You look lovely.

Now, why don't I light
a fire, open a bottle
of champagne--

Nothing doing.

Oh, Lisa.

- Put on your tuxedo.
- I'm not going.

Oliver, I'll tell you what.
If you go with me,
when we get home,

we can open the champagne
and light the fire.

- I'm afraid I won't be
in the mood then.
- Why not?

A play with a dog
always depresses me.

Oh. Come on.

Let's go. Come.
Oh.

Oh, tickets, please.

Right. Thank you.
Tickets, please.

Thank you. Oh. Ticket.
Thank you.

Hello,
Mr. Kimball.
Hi.

Oh. Hi, Mrs. Douglas.
Who's the penguin?

- That's my husband.
- Oh. Glad to know ya.

Yeah. Uh, come on, Lisa.

Just a minute.
May I have
your tickets, please?

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Well, these are
for the balcony.

You'll have to take
the ladder to the hayloft.

Those are not balcony seats.

No. We paid 75 cents
apiece for them.

Seventy-five cents?
Oh. Well, then
you got box seats.

Here they are.
Be careful of the splinters.

Never mind.
We'll find seats.

Come on, Lisa.

Oh, I wouldn't go too far, miss.
The curtain goes up
in five minutes.

[ Moos ]

Yeah, well,
you won't need a stub.
I'll remember you.

Oh, just a minute.
Where are your tickets, please?
You have them.

I do?

Oh. Follow me, please.
There are two seats down front.

Right in there.

[ Clucking ]

Uh, excuse me.
That's my seat.

[ Clucking ]

Uh, don't you want to
take this with you?

Sorry, sir.
No throwing things
at the actors.

Oh. Hi, Mr. Ziffel.
How are you,
Mrs. Douglas?

Oh, I'm fine.
Mmm.

Thank you.
You look pretty spiffy.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Been at a funeral?

- No.
- This is gonna be
a big night for me.

It is?
What's gonna happen?

You'll find out.

Good evenin', folks,

and welcome to
the Hooterville Barn
and Repertory Company's...

presentation of
Who Killed Jock Robin?,

a spine-tingling mystery
in 12 acts.

Twelve acts?

There will be
a 15-minute intermission
between each act.

We won't get home
until Wednesday.

Now, appearing in tonight's
play are Sam Drucker,

Newt Kiley's
police dog, Columbo...

and Sophia Loren.

Uh, due to circumstances
beyond our control,

Miss Loren
can't appear tonight,

so, uh, her part
will be played by
Ralph Monroe.

What are they
applauding for?

Well, Ralph
is a local girl.

Oh, there's another change
in the cast.

Due to a foxtail in his paw,
Columbo can't appear
tonight either.

So, the part of the police dog
will be played by
Arnold the pig.

The police dog
will be played by a pig?

Not just any pig.
My son Arnold.

I'll wait for you outside.
Sit down.

But do--
It's starting.

Pull the curtain.

You pull it.

I'm in charge of
the sound effects.
Well, I'm the rain.

Well, it can't rain
unless you pull the curtain.

[ Honks ]

It is good to be at home
in my English drawing room...

on a night like this
with my faithful police dog
at my side.

[ Snorts ]

What are you barking at?
[ Snorting ]

There is nothing outside
but the rain.

Ooh. Listen to that thunder.

Thunder. Thunder.
What did I do with the thunder?

Oh.
[ Rumbling ]

This will set the theater
back 20 years.
Shh!

[ Snorting ]

Will you stop
that barking.

It is only our English
downstairs maid.

Sire, there's
a telephone call for you.

Thank you.
Where's the telephone?

Thank you.
You are a smart dog.
[ Snorts ]

Does he have to bark
like that?

Something is bothering him.

Hello.

What? What? What?

Now I know what it is.
Jock Robin has been murdered.

[ Squeals ]

Where is your faithful
police dog going?

He is going to track down
the "murdererer."

Sure was a great first act,
wasn't it?

Yes. Arnold was terrific,
wasn't he, Oliv--

Oliver.

Uh, he left right after
Arnold brought in
the telephone,

said he felt like
he was gonna be sick,
and he went home.

Well!

[ Door Slams ]

What the-- Oh.
You're home.

Just long enough to pack.
I am leaving.

What are you talking about?

Walking out in the middle
of the first act,
leaving me there all alone--

How could you
do a thing like that?

I'm sorry. Uh, would you
like some champagne?

- No.
- It's early. It's only, uh--

3:00?

Well, the play just ended.

I never heard of a play
running till 3:00.

It would have run till 5:00,
but they cut out two acts.

Here. Would you like
some champagne?

No. Ah.

Arnold was just wonderful.

Do you know what he did
in the eighth act?

I'll read the review
in the New York Times
in the morning.

- You don't want to hear
about the play?
- No.

Then I'm going to bed.

Wait a second. Lisa.

I've got a fire going,
a bottle of champagne.

Then you won't miss me.
Good night.

Oh. Lisa.

Hi.
Oh. It's Champagne Charlie.

Lisa, I don't think it was
very nice of you to make me
sleep on the couch.

Well, I don't think it was
very nice of you to walk out
in the middle of the play.

You missed Arnold's big scene.

He sang "God Save the King."

He sang?

Well, he didn't really sing.
Somebody put on a record,
and he moved his lips to it.

Well, that's a--

[ Sizzling ]

Do you mind telling me
what you're trying to do?

I'm trying something new
for breakfast:
bacon and eggs.

But you're supposed to
slice the bacon
and break the eggs.

That's not the way
they did it in the play.

His lordship ordered
breakfast, and then--

I don't want to hear
any more about that play.

Guess who's comin'
to see ya.
Who?

The star of
Who Killed Jock Robin?
Arnold Ziffel.

For the love of--
What has he got
in his mouth?

Oh, those must be his reviews.

Now there's a ham
that is a ham.

Hey, listen to this.

What are you cooking?
Oh, boy. Bacon and eggs,
English style.

[ Squeals, Snorts ]

What happened to him?
I guess he smelled the bacon.

Maybe you'd better
hide it someplace.
Oh.

- Lisa, why did you--
- Arnold, you can come in now.

What did the review say?

The Pixley Press says he's
the greatest thing to hit the
stage since Laurence Olivier.

They did?
Yes. Who is she?

It's a he,
and how dare they compare
a pig to a great actor.

What do you know?
You didn't see
Arnold's performance.

The Crabwell Corner's Courier
gave Arnold four stars.

That's one more
than they gave Ethel Merman.

Oh, brother.

The Ziffels sure are
excited about him.

They always wanted Arnold
to be a veterinarian,

but now they've decided
to let him take up acting
as a career.

[ Snorting ]

That's very understanding
of them.

A lot of parents
would stand in the way
of their pig.

- Look, Lisa--
- Mr. Ziffel thought maybe
you could help Arnold.

- Me?
- Yeah. He thought maybe...

you could take Arnold to
New York with you...

and introduce him to one of
them big theater producers.

Why don't I take him
to Hollywood and introduce him
to Darryl Zanuck?

Great. How'd you like to
meet Mr. Zanuck?

- [ Snorting ]
- It's okay with him.

Yes. It's a shame
I don't know Mr. Zanuck.

- [ Snorting ]
- That ain't nice--

building up his hopes
and then knocking the props
out from under him.

- Well, we don't
need Harold Zanuck.
- Darryl.

- I thought you said
you didn't know him.
- I--

It doesn't make any
difference, because I know
a big Hollywood producer.

- His name is Boris Fedor.
- I never heard of him.

- [ Snorting ]
- Arnold has.

Boris is one of the biggest
producers in Hollywood.

- Where do you know him from?
- Hungary.

We were boys and girls
together in Budapest.

Hey. Maybe you could
call him about Arnold.
I'll be glad to.

Yes. Why don't you do that?

I'm sure he'll be thrilled
to have you bring a new actor
to his attention.

A $5,000-a-week raise?

What are you?
An agent or
a blood turnip sucker?

Tell your client that we'll
repaint his dressing room,

and he can have the studio
limousine for the weekends.

That's the best I can do.

Mr. Fedor.
Miss Hanson, tell me.

What could a horse do
with a $5,000-a-week raise?

I'm sure I don't know,
Mr. Fedor.

I don't know why I let them
talk me into starring a horse
in my picture.

I should have stuck to
my original hunch:
Elizabeth Taylor.

Yes, sir. Uh, there's
a long-distance call
for you-- a Mrs. Douglas.

- Douglas?
- She says she's an old friend
of yours from Budapest.

From Budapest?

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Boris? This is Lisa Douglas.
- Who?

Oh, well, that's my marital
name. You knew me when
I was a Gronyitz.

Gron--
Lisa Gronyitz!

- How are you, darling?
- I'm fine.

- Where are you
calling from?
- The top of the pole.

- The top of pole where?
- In "Hootersville."

Hootersville.
Are you still in Hungary?

No, no. That's in this country.
I tell you why I'm calling.

- Last night I went to see
a play here called Who.
- What?

No. Who.
What they did last year.

Anyway, there was
an actor in the play
that was just sensational.

You should see
the reviews he got.

- They said he was better than
Laurence Olivier.
- Oh?

He got one more star
than "Edsel" Merman.

"Edsel"?

The reason I'm calling is
that he should be in pictures.

- Uh, what's his name?
- Arnold Ziffel.
Do you want to sign him up?

Uh, well, uh,

tell him to drop by
and see me, and we'll talk.

Oh, that will be wonderful.
I'll tell him to do that.
Thank you, Boris. Bye.

Good-bye, darling.

Arnold Ziffel.

Miss Hanson, if an actor
by the name of Arnold Ziffel
drops by, I'll see him.

Oh, and, Miss Hanson,

get me
the horse's agent again.

[ Snorting ]
He said what?

That he wants to see Arnold.

You hear that, Arnold?
You're going to Hollywood.

[ Snorting ]

I'd better tell the Ziffels
to start packing Arnold's bag.

Lisa,

did you tell Boris
what Arnold really is?

Why, yes. The star of Who
and about the reviews he got.

And Boris was very impressed.
He'll make him a star
in no time.

Sure, he will.
Why not?

There have been a lot of
big animal stars,

like Rin Tin Tin
and Lassie and Mr. Ed.

Just because you're not human,
that doesn't mean
you can't be a movie star.

Look.
It's all right with me.

If Mr. Ziffel wants to
waste his money sending
Arnold to Hollywood--

Money? For what?
His fare to Hollywood.

Well, I ain't got no money.
Well, then how is he
going to get there?

Just like he gets to
Pixley: hitchhike.

Well, a big star like Arnold
can't hitchhike.
No?

Well, don't worry,
Mr. Ziffel. We'll raise
the money for his fare.

[ Chattering ]
Order. Order.

This is a very important
meetin'. Uh, we're here
to discuss ways and means...

to raise money
to send Arnold to Hollywood.

- Uh, Mr. Chairman--
- Yes, Mr. Douglas.

Before we get into
a big discussion...

about how to raise money
to send Arnold to Hollywood,

I think we ought to find out
how we feel about sending him.

And I for one
am not in favor of it.

Well, I'm glad Arnold
ain't present to hear
what you just said.

He always considered you
his friend.

I am his friend. But--

Fine friend.
You didn't even stay
to see his play.

Then I don't think
he's qualified
to discuss this matter.

Whatever it is.

Look. I'm a member
of this chamber, and I--

Can we see
your membership card?

Yes. Uh-- Oh.
I'm afraid I left it
at home.

Well, if you ain't got
a membership card, you're not
entitled to say anything.

- Well, look. I--
- You'll just have to sit down
and be quiet.

Not there.
In the spectator section.

I'm sitting right here.

May I say something?

Certainly, Mrs. Douglas.

Well, just a moment.
Uh, how come my wife
can talk?

She doesn't have a card.
She's not a member.

If she ain't a member,
she don't need no card.

Go ahead, Mrs. Douglas.

Thank you.
Gentlemen and spectator,

I don't think there is
any question in anybody's
mind here--

except you know whose--
that we all want to send
Arnold to Hollywood.

I think it would be
a wonderful thing
for Hootersville.

So, gentlemen
and spectator,

I say we should raise
the money for Arnold
and Hootersville.

Thank you.

I agree with Mrs. Douglas.

After all, Hooterville
ain't never had
a movie star before.

You're forgettin'
Clara Mittknocker.

Well, she wasn't
a big movie star.

That's right.
She was just an extra
in Our Gang comedies.

- May I say something?
- Chair recognizes Hank Kimball.

Oh. Well, I'll wait till
he's finished talking then.

- That's you.
- Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

- Uh, what is it
you wanted to say, Hank?
- About what?

I'm sure I don't know.

Well, then I suggest you
shut up and stop wasting
the chamber's time. Thank you.

Look. We all seem to be
in agreement, uh, about
sending Arnold to Hollywood.

Now, the next question is,
how are we gonna raise
the money?

Uh, why don't we get
the state to float...

an eight or 10 million dollar
sewer bond issue for us,

and then we'll hold out
a few hundred dollars
for Arnold's trip?

A bond issue?

Are there any other
suggestions?

I have one.
Uh, when we were
trying to raise money...

for the Young People's
Agriculture Society,
we had a--

No. That was
the Old People's
Agriculture Society.

Well, we raised
a lot of money, um--

Well, not a lot of money.
It was almost, uh--

No. It was less than that.
Uh, what did you do?

About what?
About raising money.

Oh, we had a telethon.
Oh, that's a good idea.

We had one in New York,
and they had a lot of
stars in it,

and they raised
a great deal of money.

Well, now,
why don't we do that?

Wh-What stars should we get?

Why don't you get, uh,
Frank Sinatra?

And then he'll bring along
Dean Martin
and Sammy Davis Jr.

Oh, this ain't New York.

What we need is some
real big names.

- How about Pinky Lee?
- Now you're talkin'.

How much money did they
raise in that telethon,
Mrs. Douglas?

- $80,000 in 12 hours.
- We don't need that much.

Well, then why don't we just
have a six-hour one
and raise $40,000?

Lisa, you left the TV on.

[ Haney On TV ]
Thank you very much
there, Marvin.

Folks, this is the fourth day
of our six-hour telethon,

and in that time we have
raised a grand total...

of $9.82.

$9.82 in four days?

Just keep them
telephone calls coming in.

[ Phone Rings ]
There's one now.

Hello?

Well! Well, thank you.

Folks, this is a pledge
for $250.

What nut would pledge that?

The pledge was made
by Mr. Oliver Douglas
of Hooterville.

I didn't pledge any--
I'm not even on the ph--

- Lisa!
- One minute, Oliver.

And I pledge
another 250 for myself.

Lisa!

And Mrs. Douglas pledges
another $250 for herself.

No, she didn't!

Lisa, come down
off of there!

Lisa!

I sure do want to thank
you folk for all the money
you donated.

- Oh, it's a pleasure.
- And Arnold wants to
thank you too.

- [ Snorts ]
- Give him a kiss, Arnold.

[ Snorting ]

If that pig
comes near me, I'll--

And since you folks
think so much of him,

I know you'll take good care
of him in Hollywood.

What are you talking about?
We're not taking him
to Hollywood.

Well, he can't go
by himself.
Why don't you take him?

Oh. My wife would never
trust me in Hollywood
with all them movie stars.

She's afraid I'd pick up
with where I left off
with Clara Mittknocker.

I'm sorry, Mr. Ziffel,
but I--

Oliver, it would be better
if we took him.

Then I could introduce him
to Mr. Fedor personally.

I knew I could count on you.

Well, so long, Arnold. And
when you get to be a big star,
don't forget your ma and pa.

Maybe he won't, but I will.

Where are you going?
To pack.

Lisa, you're wasting your time.
Oliver, suppose nobody has taken
Laurence Oliver to Hollywood.

He would be a nobody.
Will you stop comparing--

The point is that this is
Arnold's big chance.

Remember the picture
A Star Is Born?

There he is
in real life.

[ Snorting ]

[ Oliver ]
Next week, Arnold packs up
his suitcase,

and Lisa and I
take him to Hollywood...

to make a screen test
at Master-Arts Studios...

for the great producer
Boris Fedor.

Arnold becomes a star
and goes Hollywood.

Tune in to Green Acres
next week for part two of
"A Star Named Arnold Is Born."

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.