Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 28 - Instant Family - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

And a side of bacon.
Anything else, Mrs. Mullen?

Twelve pounds
of jelly beans.

Kenny.

No, I think that'll be all.

Could you charge this
for me, Mr. Drucker?

My husband says he'll pay you
as soon as he gets back
from Chicago.

Oh, sure. Is he gonna get back
in time for the new arrival?

- What's arriving?
- The stork.

I thought you said
it was a baby.

It is.
Oh. And then we're going to
get a stork too?

Boys are sure stupid.



Hello, Mr. Drucker.
Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas.

Hello there.
Hello there to you.

And what is your name?

Kenny Mullen,
and this is my sister.

What's your name again?
Molly.

Uh, this is Mrs. Mullen.
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

The Mullens have just moved in
to the old Fenton place.

Glad to have you as neighbors.

Glad enough to buy me
some jelly beans?

- Well--
- Twelve pounds of jelly beans.

Yes, sir.
Kenny, that's not polite.

What difference
does it make? I got
the jelly beans, didn't I?

Here ya are, Kenny.

Thanks.

Well, aren't you going to
give some to your sister?

No. I'm saving them
for the new arrival.

We're going to get
a baby and a stork.

How about that?

When are you expectin'
the little one?

Well, the doctor said
in about--

Oh.

- What's the matter?
- I think the doctor
was wrong.

Oh. Oh, well.
Well, you better sit down.

Oh, Mr. Drucker, will you
call the doctor, please?

Yeah. I-- I better
call him. Uh, Doctor!

No, on the phone.

Oh. Oh, yeah. The phone.
Where's the phone?

There!

I wouldn't waste time
phoning. I'd get her
to the hospital in a car.

To the hospital.
The hospital.

The hospital. Ooh.
I don't have a hospital.

I mean, I don't have
a hospital to take you
to the car.

I mean, I don't--
Please. I'll be glad
to take you. Come on.

What about the children?
Oh, don't worry. Mr. Douglas
and I will take care of them.

Oh.

Yeah. Then we all went back
to Barbara's house
for some pizza.

[ Groans ]
I can still taste it.
Uh, miss.

Just a second, please. You know,
you'd think after all these
years she'd know how to cook.

Uh, miss, if you don't mind,
we'd like to have a baby.

I mean, the lady's
going to have a baby.

Oh. I'll call you back.

Uh, this is Admitting.
I've got an emergency
for Maternity.

Somebody will be here
in just a minute.

Thank you. Thank you.
You'll be all right.
Yes, I know.

Ah. There we go.

Take it easy.
Everything's gonna be fine.
All right.

Thank you.
Good luck now.

Thank you.
I'll be seeing you.

Well, that's a relief.
Thank you.

Oh, just a second, sir.
There are a few formalities.

Uh, what do you mean?
Ah, we have some papers to fill
out so we can admit your wife.

Oh, uh,
you don't understand.
Now then. Name.

Uh, her name
is Mrs. Mullens.

Mullens.

- First name.
- I don't know.

You don't know
your wife's first name?

Well, of course I do.
It's Lisa.

Knew you'd think of it.

Lisa.

You expectant fathers
are all alike.

No. No. I'm not
expecting a father.
I'm-- No. I mean--

How long have you
and Mrs. Mullens been married?

We're not married.

Oh?

Oh. We-- You--
You've got this all wrong.

Look. I've got a wife
of my own.

Oh?

Uh, Mrs. Mullens
is just a neighbor.

- Her husband's in Chicago,
and, uh--
- I see.

No, you don't see.

Look. My name is Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

-I was in Drucker's store
with my wife--
-I thought she wasn't your wife.

No. Oh. No, not this one.
My other wife.

Well, you just
got her here in time.
It's a boy.

- Oh.
- Your wife is fine.

They're not married.
Oh?

She's just a neighbor.
Really?

Look.

I just met Mrs. Mullens
a half hour ago.

I drove her here because
her husband's away.
That's all there is to it!

Phew! I wonder
how a man like that
can sleep at night.

Oliver.
How's Mrs. Mullens?

Oh, she's fine.
What was it?

A boy.
Well, aren't you going to
give me a cigar?

Lisa, I had
enough trouble--

Isn't that cute?

Can I have my arrow back?

Here.
Stuck pretty good,
didn't it?

You see,
if you wet it this way--
Who is this?

One of the Mullen kids.
I thought there were
only two of them.

No. There were
four more at home.

Come on out, kids.
Meet the big cheese.

Darling, Molly and Kenny you
already met in the store.
Mm-hmm.

- And this is John.
- I'm Terry.

Oh? Well, then this is John.

- I'm Bruce.
- Well, then this must be John.

- I'm Eric.
- Well, then who are you?

- I'm John.
- Oh. That's where you went.

Well, that's all of them.
Hey. You forgot me.
I'm Eb.

Oh. Oh, yes.
This is Eb.

I've met him.

Children, this is my husband.

Is he gonna be
our new father?

He doesn't look
very new to me.

Uh, uh, look, kids.
First--
[ Clears Throat ]

I want to tell you that
your mother is all right,
and you have a new baby brother.

- What's his name?
- I don't know.

A fine father you are.

Uh, look, kids.
I just want you to know
that you can stay here...

until your mother comes home
from the hospital,

and I'm sure we're all
gonna get along fine, huh?

Why should we?
We never did before.

Eb, uh, don't you have
some chores to do?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, take the children
with you and let them help.

Welcome to Green Acres, kids,

sometimes known
as the sweatshop on the hill.

Eb.

Okay. Follow me now.
Single file.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Lisa. Uh--

What are you doing?
Making lunch for the children.
Caviar sandwiches.

Caviar sandwiches?
What are you gonna
serve with 'em? Champagne?

Do we have
enough bottles?

Lisa, children do not
drink champagne or eat
caviar sandwiches.

My mother always gave me
caviar sandwiches.

Caviar is not
good for children.

It never hurt me.
Except in the spring.

I'd always try
to swim upstream.

Give them caviar.
They're not going
swimming anyway.

Will you call the children
and tell them lunch is ready?

All right.

Hey, kids!

Come on!
Lunch is ready!

Come on! Let's go!
Boy, am I hungry!

[ All Shouting ]

Oliver! What are you
lying on the ground for?

Those kids knocked me.
All right, you kids.
Come out here!

Line up!
[ Chattering ]

Let's get one thing straight.
If you want to stay here,

you've gotta act like
human beings, not like a bunch
of wild Indians.

You do that once more--
Oliver, don't yell at them, or
they'll grow up to be hippies.

Lisa.
All right.
Now, all right, children.

Everybody wash their hands
and go in and sit down
to lunch. Go on.

There you go.
Hurry up.

There you are.
One second, please.

Wash your hands,
or no lunch.

Did everybody have
enough to eat?
[ All ] Yeah!

Now, kids, everybody
go outside and play.

Hey. Wait, wait. Hold it.
Hold it. Here, here. Wait.
Clear the table first.

What do you want us
to do with the dishes?
Put them in the dishwasher.

No! Don't throw them!
Hey, hey, hey!

Stop! No.
Don't. Come on.
Gently, gently, gently.

Gently. Gently.

[ Smash ]

Eb, I want you to
keep an eye on 'em
this afternoon.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

[ Oliver ]
Eb!

Well, he's a great one
to leave in charge.

Well, it's nice that he has some
kids to play with for a change.
Look, he--

I better call New York
and order some more caviar so
we have it for lunch tomorrow.

Lisa, you can't go on
feeding 'em caviar.

What are we gonna
have for dinner tonight?

Uh, how do
hotcakes hit you?

Fortunately I've never
been hit by one.

You keep talking like this
and you may.

Lisa, you've gotta
get somebody to help you
with the cooking.

Have you got any suggestions?

Yes. There are several
people I could suggest.

Howdy doody.

And that's not one of 'em.

Why not? Ralph.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Watch it, you--

Did I bump his little head?

Yes, you did.

Want me to kiss it
and make it better?

Keep your liver lips
to yourself.

Ralph, with the children here,
I wonder if you could
help me with the cooking?

I'm not much of a cook.
You're not much of anything.

Ooh! Will you please
be careful!

- Can you do it?
- Well, gladly.

If I can get an okay
from lambie-pie here...

to be excused from
my carpentry duties
in the bedroom.

- Is it okay, lambie?
- Yes. Okay.

Oh. Good.
I'll go wash up.

Could you hold this,
please?

Could I--

Ooh!

All I hope is that she's
a better cook than a carpenter.
She'd have to be.

What should we have first?
You got some tomato juice?

There are some cans
in the closet.

Hi.
Ah, the foreman's here.

How's dinner coming?
Fine.

Hey.

Hey. That smells pretty good.
What is it?

My overalls.
I'm boiling them out
for tomorrow.

- What are we having for dinner?
- Stew.

- When are you gonna start?
- As soon as I finish
boiling out my overalls.

Look, Ralph--

Here's the tomato juice.
Oh. Would you hold these?

What, uh, will you--

Oliver, we ought to buy
one of those can openers.

That's not a can opener.
That's an electric drill.
Somebody told you.

Look, Ralph--
Get me two glasses
for the tomato juice.

Oliver, we ought to
get one of those
potato peelers too.

Oh, the--
Oh, that's a plane.

You've been peeking.

If you want to keep busy,
why don't you get a chisel
out of my toolbox...

and start taking the eyes
out of these potatoes?

Look. Do you have to use
your carpenter tools
to cook with?

These are my cooking
carpenter tools.

My working carpenter tools
are in the bedroom.

Oliver, instead of complaining,
why don't you try to help?

What do you want me to do?
Why don't you slice the bread?

Where is it?
It's in the vise.

That's no place for the bread.
Start slicing.

Look, you two finish
building dinner.
I'll get the kids ready.

Excuse me, Ralph.
I'll do it.

Okay, kids. Settle down.
Oh, oh. That's all right.
I'll call Molly.

Where's Molly?
She's in bed.

Well, we got a sleeping bag
out here for her.

Oh, that's not for her.
That's for you.

What do you mean?

Well, the boys sleep out here,
and the girls sleep in there.

What girls?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Why's she sleeping
in there?

Well, she has to get up
in the morning and make
breakfast for the kids.

Yes, but--
Good night, darling.

Good night, boys.
[ All ]
Good night.

Shut out, huh?

Go to sleep!

Mr. Douglas.
What?

You forgot to turn
the light off.

One of you kids
can turn it off.

That's the rule.
The last one in bed
turns the light out.

So I have to turn the--

That's the rule.
[ Mutters ]

Mr. Douglas.
What now?

I can't sleep
with the light off.

- The light stays off.
- Okay.

But you're gonna hear
a lot of crying all night.

Now, is there anything else?
[ All ]
No.

Anybody want
a drink of water?
[ All ] No.

Anybody want
to go to the--
[ All ] No.

Good night.

- [ Crows ]
- Wake up. Wake up.

[ Groans ]

What? Huh?
I've got to
go to school.

You woke me up
to tell me that?

No. I woke you up to tell you
you have to take me.

I've got to be there
at 7:30.

Well, how about
the school bus?

Oh, we've been
barred from that.

- Why?
- I'd rather not say.

All right.
Wake your brothers.

- They don't go at 7:30.
They go later.
- All right.

Get your breakfast,
and I'll take ya.

Let's go.

Why didn't you think of that
before we got started?

Where are you going?
To get some breakfast.

You haven't got time.
Why?

The kids have to be
in school at 8:30.

8:30?
Come on out, boys.
The chauffeur is here.

Where's the rest of them?
They don't go with us.

What do you mean?
These two go at 8:30.

Bruce goes at 9:30.
Molly goes at 10:00.
And Terry goes at 12:00.

I can't go running
back and forth all day.

Why can't the 9:30's and
the 10:30's come with the 8:30's
and wait in the school yard?

We can't.
We all go to different schools.

Get in.

Did you get them
all delivered?
Finally!

Where do you think
you're going?

To get some lunch.
It's 12:30. I haven't
had breakfast yet.

Well, you haven't got time.
You have to pick up
the 7:30 at school.

Oh! What are you--

What do you think you're doing?
I'm trying to get
something to eat.

You'll spoil your supper.
We're gonna eat
in about an hour.

It's 5:00. I haven't had
any breakfast or lunch,

taking the kids to school
and bringing them home.

Now you know what it's like
to be a mother.

Oliver. Oliver.
Good news.

Mrs. Mullen is bringing
the baby home from
the hospital tomorrow.

Oh, thank goodness. I don't
think I could stand another day
like today. I'm beat.

- Well, after dinner,
you can take a nap.
- Good.

I'll wake you up in time
to take us to the drive-in.

- The drive-in?
- Well, I-- I promised the kids,

since this is
their last night here,
we'll take them to the movies.

Oh!

All right. Everybody set?
[ All ]
Yeah!

Let's go to the movies!
[ Chattering ]

Let's go to the movies!

Let's go!

Why didn't you think of that
before you got in the car?

[ All Shouting ]

Come on.

[ All Grunting ]
Oliver.

Oliver, can't we get
any closer?

This is the only spot
that's left.

Hey, hey, hey.
Settle down. Hey.
[ Whistles ]

Watch the picture.
We can't hear.

I'll get the speaker.

[ Children Laugh ]
That was clever.

The wire is--
[ Eb ]
We can't hear.

I said the wire
was too short.

[ Together ]
Shh!

Oliver, there is
a speaker over there.

What a place
to spend a honeymoon.

Uh, pardon me.
Will you be u--

Uh, would you mind
if I, uh, uh, uh--

Oh. Well, I guess
they don't care.

[ Click ]

All right.
Give me the speaker.

[ Smash ]

That was clever too.

You should've held on to it.

I'll get it.

They never even noticed it.

Can everybody see
and hear now?
[ All ] Yeah.

Quiet. Be quiet.
Watch the movie now.

[ Roaring ]

- I'm hungry.
- You just finished dinner.

I want some popcorn.
Oliver, get her some popcorns.

All right.
Anybody else want anything?

I'll have a hamburger.
I want a pizza.

Get me an ice-cream cone.
I'll have a hot dog.

- Get me a chocolate bar.
- I'll have spaghetti
and meatballs on a stick.

Look, I'm not getting
everybody something different.

[ All ]
Aw.
I'll go get it.

Yeah. Go on! Hurry.
All right. Here. Here.
Here's $10. Bring me the change.

Yes, sir.
Run. Come on.

[ Roaring ]

I'm hungry.
Where's the popcorn?

- I don't know.
- Oliver, Terry has been gone
more than a half an hour.

I think he's lost.

- Well--
- You better go
and look for him.

All right.

Here you are.
Where's Mr. Douglas?

He went to look for you.
Oh.

That's okay.
I forgot to bring him
anything anyway.

I better go and tell him
you're back.

Hey. Careful.
You kids start eating.

[ Roaring ]

Well, I found him.

- Found who?
- Terry.

I'm Terry.

Well, who are you?
Clarence.

But we don't have
a Clarence in the family.

Would you like to
adopt me?

No, thanks.
Now, Lisa, w--

- Where's my wife?
- She went to look for you.

Come on. I'll take you back
where I found you.

I got a pizza
for Mrs. Douglas.
Oh.

I better go find her
before it gets cold.

Hey. What happened to you?

Oh, that stupid kid
told his father
I was tryin' to kidnap him.

Where's Ralph?
She went to look for
Mrs. Douglas.

Oh. Hello there.
I was looking all over
for you, but you weren't there.

- Lisa, you didn't have to--
- Where's Ralph?

- She went to look for you.
- Oh. Well, then I better
go and look for her.

No. You just get in the car
and sit there.
I'll go look for her.

And I don't want
anybody to move.

[ All Groan ]
Oh, thanks.

I couldn't find Mrs. Douglas
anywhere. Oh, you're back.
Yes.

- Well, where'd Mr. Douglas go?
- He went to look for you.

Oh, I'd better
go look for him.
Where are you going?

To look for you. I--
Get back in the car.

Everybody stays put.
Nobody leaves this car
till we get home.

Meanie!
[ All Groaning ]

Mrs. Douglas,
I brought you a pizza.

Oh? Where is it?

Guess.

Lisa.

What's taking the kids
so long?

They're packing.
Well, tell 'em to hurry up.

Their mother's at home
waiting for them.
Oliver.

Hmm?
Aren't you going to
miss them?

Oh, yeah. Yes.
I suppose so.

Don't you like them?
Oh, yeah. Nice kids.

Don't you wish
they could stay?

Well, I guess so.

You're not only
saying that because
you know they're leaving?

Oh, no. No.
Good.

Because your wish
has come true.

What?
They're not leaving.

Why not?

Kenny got the measles.

[ Shouts ]
The meas--

I guess he caught them
from me.

[ Lisa ]
This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.