Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 30 - A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 2 - full transcript

Oliver and Lisa chaperon Arnold to Hollywood for his screen test. Producer Boris Fedor isn't interested in the pig; he's just using him to pressure a greedy horse to come back to work. When...

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

See what we got here.
[ Chuckles ]

"Arnold leaves
for Hollywood today...

to star in picture
for Boris Fedor."

[ Laughs ]
That's my boy.

Arnold?

Arnold.

Arnold? Your picture's
in the paper.

[ Squealing ]

[ Grunting ]

What do you got
your roller skates for?

You ain't gonna have no time
to skate in Hollywood.



Don't you know that?
You'll be too busy acting.

And you got
only one sports shirt.
You better get another one.

And hurry up about it.
The Douglases'll be here in
a half an hour to pick you up.

I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.

Well, whether you believe it
or not, we have to pick
Arnold up in a half an hour.

Lisa, w-we're not
really gonna take Arnold
to Hollywood, are we?

Of course we are.
We promised Mr. Ziffel.

- But--
- Oliver, do you want Arnold
to miss his big chance?

- What big chance?
- To become a movie star.

[ Scoffs ]
He's not going to be a--

Oliver, when I called
Boris Fedor,

he said he was going to make
Arnold a movie star.

All he said was that if Arnold
is ever in Hollywood...

to drop in to see him,
he'd be glad to talk to him.

Well, how can Arnold drop in
to see him in "Hollywoods"
if he isn't there?

That's why we got
to take him.

You didn't even tell
your Hungarian producer friend
that Arnold was a pig.

Well, what difference
does it make?

A star is a star, no matter
what shape he's in.

Nobody is going to put him--

There have been
other animal stars
who have been in pictures,

and none of them got the kind
of reviews like Arnold got
for the play he was in.

Oh, those stupid reviews.

Well, how many pigs
do you know...

who were compared
to Laurence Olivier?

None that I know.

Oliver, if you don't want to go,
you don't have to.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Well, if you do,
then you better start and pack.

I am all packed.

Is this all
you're going to take?
It's all I need.

As soon as your friend sees
what Arnold is, we'll be
back on the next plane.

[ Car Approaching ]

Hello, Mr. Ziffel.
Good morning, Mrs. Douglas.
You're early.

Yes, uh, we've got a long drive
to the airport. Is Arnold ready?

Uh, yeah, just about packed.
Arnold!

[ Car Door Opens ]

Now, Arnold, you're going
away from home, and I want
to tell you a few things.

I want you to mind
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas and do
everything they tell ya.

[ Grunting ]

And be a good boy, and I don't
want you to get mixed up
with them Hollywood pigs.

[ Grunting ]

- Mr. Ziffel, we'd better get--
- And another thing.

Don't be a know-it-all.

Listen to what the director says
and be sure and know your lines
in the picture.

- [ Grunts ]
- Mr. Ziffel--

Be sure and write every day
and call once a week.

[ Grunts ]

- We'll see that he does.
- Could we please get--

And, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas,
be sure that he watches
his diet, will ya?

And keep him away
from sweets. He breaks out
somethin' terrible.

- We'll watch him.
- Look, we're gonna be late!

Well, I guess this is it.

- This is good-bye.
- Yes, good-bye!

- Good-bye, my boy.
- [ Squeals ]

- See ya in the movies.
- Good-bye!

[ Arnold Squealing ]

Yes.
May I help you?

We have a reservation.
[ Clears Throat ]
The name is Douglas.

Douglas?

Oh, yes, here we are,
Mr. Douglas.

A suite for you and your wife
and a single for Arnold Ziffel.

- That's right.
- Is, uh, Mr. Ziffel with you?

Here we go.
Take it, Lisa.

Yes. Mr. Ziffel is here.

[ Grunting ]

- That's a pig!
- [ Grunting ]

- What did you expect?
- Well, I--

- Uh, may we have our room?
- Yes, you can have your room,

but I'm afraid we can't give
Mr. Ziff-- him a room.

- [ Squeals ]
- Why not?

Well--
[ Scoffs ]
Madam, we have rules.

May I see them?

Well, I don't have them right--
Surely you understand, sir.

No, I don't understand
the whole thing.

Well, I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.

There is something we can do.
We can protest.

Oh, one of those, huh?

Well, you go right ahead
and protest just as much
as you like.

Okay, Arnold.

[ Squealing Loudly ]

Will you please quiet
the-- the pig? Madam,
he's disturbing our guests.

Well, he couldn't
if he was in a room.

[ Squealing Continues ]
Very well.

[ Bell Rings ]

Take these... people to 527.

He's got a head
like a sieve.

[ Gunfire On TV ]

Arnold, will you turn
that darn thing down?

[ Grunting ]
[ Volume Decreases ]

Thank you.

Oliver, I wish you wouldn't
yell at Arnold.

He's very sensitive.

He's sensitive?
Yes.

So he'll never be
a football.
Oliver!

Lisa, why are you unpacking?

Well, we are going to be here
for a few months while Arnold
is making his movie.

Look, do me a favor.
Call your friend here.

Have him meet Arnold,
and I guarantee you and I will
be on our way home tonight.

I wonder what
would've happened...

if Mickey Rooney's father
had talked that way.

[ Gunfire On TV ]
What has that got to--

Arnold, will you turn
that thing down?

Call your friend.
[ Volume Decreases ]

Hello? Would you please
connect me with
the Master-Arts Studios?

Look, you are talking
to Boris Fedor,
a poor Hollywood producer.

I can't give your client
a $5,000-a-week raise.

I don't care if he is
the best horse actor
in pictures.

I can't afford it!

Now look, the picture
starts in two weeks.

He better be on the set,
or else!

Next time I do a picture,
it's going to be with
human-being actors.

Mr. Fedor, the woman
who called last week is
on the phone-- Mrs. Douglas.

Douglas?
She said her maiden name
is Gronyitz.

Oh, Lisa Gronyitz.
Why didn't you say so?

- Hello, Lisa, darling.
- Hello, Boris!

- Where are you?
- In Hollywood.

I brought Arnold
out here to see you.

- Who?
- Arnold Ziffel.

Remember the actor
I told you about...

who got better notices
than Laurence Olivier?

- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- When can you see us?

Well, uh,
how about next week?

3:00 today would be better.

- But I--
- See you at 3:00.

Ah. He's going
to see us at 3:00.

You still didn't tell him
that Arnold is a pig.

He'll probably notice that
when he meets him.

Sweitzer, you are
my publicity man.

You ought to be able
to figure out a story why
we have to postpone the picture.

Why don't you
tell them the truth--

that the horse wants more money
and you don't want to pay him.

What are you trying to do,
make me look cheap?

Mr. Fedor,
Lisa Gronyitz is here
for her 3:00 appointment.

Oh. No, no, no. Sit, sit.
I'll get rid of her
in a minute.

Send her in.

You may come in now.
Thank you.

Oh, Boris.
Lisa, darling.

How are you?
Fine.
So good to see you!

And you must be
Arnold Ziffel.

Uh, no, I--

So you want to be
in pictures.

Lisa tells me they compare you
with Laurence Olivier.

No, no, no. He's my husband.
They don't compare him
to anybody.

Oh. Where is Arnold Ziffel?

He's outside eating
your secretary's lunch.

- What?
- Uh, well, I'll get him.

Arnold, you can
come in now.

[ Grunting ]

Boris, this is
Arnold Ziffel.

[ Squealing ]

He's a pig.

You're right.
He did notice.

- When is Arnold going
to start to work?
- Well, he--

My husband is a lawyer,
and he can take care
of all the contracts.

Oh, yes. I-- I do
all of the legal work...

for some of the biggest
pigs in Hooterville.

Um-- Well, Lisa, you see,
it's, uh, not so easy. It's--

Of course. I understand.
First you have to give him
a "scream" test.

A scream test.
Well, yes, of course.

You know it takes a little time
to prepare for that,
so I have an idea.

Why don't you take, um,
Mr. Ziffel back to the hotel,

and I'll call you
as soon as we got it set up.

Fine. We'll wait
for your call.
Good.

Nice to have met you,
Mr. Gronyitz.

Douglas.

Okay, Doug.
You can call me Boris.

Well, you'll be
hearing from me.

- Arnold, come on.
- [ Grunting ]

Bye.

That's all I need-- a pig.
I don't have enough trouble
with a horse.

A scream--
uh, screen test.

Wait a second, boss.
Wait a second.

You got a great idea.
I have? What is it?

Give the pig a screen test.
Then when the horse hears
about it, it'll shake him up.

He'll think that he's being
replaced by a pig,

and he'll forget about the raise
and come crawling.

Well, I did it again.

Now you see why I am a producer
and you are working for me.

[ Oliver ]
"Fedor to test Pig."

"Fedor to replace horse
with pig."

I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.

Oliver, we're going
to be late.
Lisa--

Arnold has to be in the studio
on the set to make
his scream test at 10:00,

and he has to go to Wardrobe,
Makeup and Hairdressing.

What's he gonna do,
a scene from Porky and Bess?

No. Pygmalion.

Where's the ham bone now?

He's in the other room
studying his script.

He's st--
Mmm.

[ Grunting ]

I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.

[ Grunting ]

Ready for your test,
Mr. Ziffel.

Doesn't he look cute?

Cute?

Looks like a pig
in a striped sweater.

Come on.
Let's go and watch.

Sorry, folks. Mr. Ziffel's
requested a closed set.
No visitors.

Quiet!

I don't blame him.
We'll only make him nervous.

Lisa, we've been cooped up
in this room for three days.

Can't we go for a walk
or something?
I am not leaving.

Boris might call.

If he hasn't called by now,
he never will.

Well, he probably didn't see
Arnold's test.

He probably has.
That's why he hasn't called.

Oliver, the director,
the cameraman--

everybody said that they thought
that Arnold's scream test...

was one of the best tests
ever made by a pig.

Lisa, I've had enough
of this nonsense.

Now I came out here because
I thought this whole thing
was a kind of a joke...

but we'd have
a nice vacation out of it.

The joke is over.
Now let's pack up and go home.

Oliver, you don't care
about Arnold's career.

No, I don't,
but I care about us.

All we've done is
sit here and bicker
about that stupid pig.

Now I want you to pack,
and let's get out of here.

But, Oliver--
Pack!

But, chief, it's not a bad test.
You oughta take a look at it.

He really does some
amazing things for a pig.

He's much smarter than
the horse, and he really
has much more sex appeal.

I'm not interested
in looking at it.

All I'm interested
is getting a phone call
from the horse's agent...

telling me that he's
on his bended knee.

But, chief, just take a--
[ Phone Rings ]

Yes, what?

Put him on.
It's the horse's agent.

Hello.

Fine. How's your client,
the horse?

Is he ready to go to work?

What?

I told you, no raise!

[ Line Clicks ]
Hello?

He hung up.

You and your stupid ideas!

Give the pig a screen test,

and the horse will come running
with his "tails"
between his "leg."

Well, he's got my tail
between his legs!

- He's not going to do
the picture.
- He isn't?

No. Here I am with a script
all ready to shoot,
and we have no star.

- But, Mr. Fedor, you have
a star-- Arnold Ziffel.
- Nah.

You only have to take a look
at the test he made!

- No.
- But, Mr. Fedor--

I said--

- You really think
he has sex appeal?
- Yes, sir.

Well, it, uh, wouldn't
cost anything to look.

Can't we just wait
another minute?
No. Now come on.

But it's going to be
very embarrassing to Arnold
to go back to "Hootersville"...

and tell everybody
he was a failure.

He'll live it down.
Come on. Let's go.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Hello? Yes, Boris?
[ Oliver Sighs ]

What?
We'll be right there.

Lisa, will you come on--

Well, Mr. Wise Guy,
guess what.

Boris just called,
and he saw Arnold's scream test,

and he's going to star him
in his new picture.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Now, before we have
Arnold's contract drawn up,

I want to talk
about the terms with you.

Don't you think that Arnold
should be here to discuss them?

Oh, no, no. I never
like to talk money
in front of the star.

Mr. Gronyitz can explain
everything to him.

- Douglas.
- Oh, yes, Doug.

Doug can explain
everything to him.

We are going to start him off
with a hundred dollars a week.

I think he ought
to get more money.

Now you're talking
like the horse.

A hundred and his own
dressing room.

All right. We'll take it
for the first picture.

Now what is it going
to be about?

Well, it was originally
a horse story,

but I had my writer rewrite
the horse's lines for the pig.

I'd like to
watch him do that.

Sorry, but you know
how writers are.

They don't like anybody
looking over their shoulder
while they are working.

Well, before we start
the picture,

we are going to have a big
publicity campaign for the pig.

Champagne party for the press,

pictures with other stars--

the usual buildup.

[ Grunting ]

Oliver, don't hold
the glass so high.

You're hiding Arnold's face.

- I'm doing him a favor.
- Shoot.

Good. Now, Oliver, take Arnold
over to the diving board,

and we watch him jump off.

How about a shot
of me pushing him off?

Oh, come on, Oliver.
Oh.

Come on. Just take him
over there.
[ Sighs ]

Okay, Arnold. Dive off.

All right.
Go ahead. Dive off.
[ Diving Board Clatters ]

Oh, you dirty--
[ Blows ]

Start shooting today, huh?
Good luck, Mr. Ziffel!

Two weeks ago, he wouldn't even
let Arnold in the hotel,

and now he says,
"Good luck, Mr. Ziffel"!

That's Hollywood.

[ Whinnying ]

[ Grunting ]

- [ Whinnying Continues ]
- [ Grunts ]

We don't need
those words anymore.
What?

He's been gone six hours.
Never showed up on the set.

There is one thing Boris Fedor
will not stand for--

an unreliable pig!

- He's fired!
- But, Boris!

Fired.
That's my last word.

Miss Hanson,

get me the horse's agent.

Arnold!
There you are.

I told ya he was all right.

What happened?
Why did you walk out
on the picture?

[ Grunts ]

Well, that doesn't seem like
a good reason to me.

Does it to you, Oliver?
Yes, yes.
I can see his point.

Arnold, why are you
packing for?

- He's had enough
of show business.
- [ Grunts ]

He wants to go home,
and so do I.
Now why don't we pack?

Oh, why don't I call Boris
just once more?

No, no, no. He's already put
the horse in the picture.

[ Grunts ]

He seems like he's happy
to hear that.
And so am I.

Oliver, help him
with his suitcase.

He's got too much stuff
in here.

I wonder why he walked off
the picture.

I'm sure
he has his reasons.

What's he doing with this?

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.