Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 27 - The Rutabaga Story - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Oliver.
Mmm.

Do you think we could--
Please. I'm thinking.

How long is that
going to take you?

I haven't
the faintest idea.

Do you mind if I sit down
and watch you think?

If you want to.

Are you through
thinking yet?

Uh, just be quiet.

Yes, sir.

[ Loud Crack ]

Do you have to do that?



You do if you want to
get the nut out.

Yes, I'd like to
get the nut out. I'd like to
get her out of the room.

Oliver, that wasn't
very nice.

Lisa, I got a problem.
I'm trying to figure it out.

- I got a problem too.
- Well, fine.

You just sit there quietly,
and you figure out
your problem,

and I'll sit here
and figure out mine.

Yes, sir.

[ Loud Scraping ]

What are you doing?

I am not crackling
walnuts.

I thought you were gonna
think about your problem.

- I solved it.
- Good.

I decided not to ask you.
You see, that was the problem--

whether I should ask you
or whether I shouldn't.

- Ask what?
- What difference does it make
if I'm not going to ask you?

Fine. Fine.

What are you doing now?

I'm tearing up the problem
I was going to ask you.

What was it?

An invitation from the princess
to visit her in Monte Carlo.

Monte Carlo.
That's all I need.

Oh? If you want to go,
I can paste it together again.

I don't want to go.

Oliver, what's bothering you?

You mean besides you?

If you tell me,
maybe I could help you.

You know the old saying:
Two heads are better
than yours.

Lisa, this is just
one of those problems
you can't help me with.

Why not? You know
the other old saying:

Behind every man
there is a good woman
standing in front of him.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
My aunt always
used to say that.

Nutty Lulu.

Well, as long as you know it,
then maybe I could help you.

All right. My problem
is that I don't know what crops
to plant for next season.

Well, that's easy.
Just don't plant
what you planted last season...

because they were nowhere.

I know that.

You see how easy it is
once you talk it over?

There must be something
I can plant that I can
make money on.

Well, if you want to make money,
why don't we go to
Monte Carlo?

Sure. Lose everything I have
on the roulette wheel.

My mother has
a surefire system
for not losing at roulette.

Do you want to know
what it is?
What?

Shoot craps.
Bye.

Look, fellers,
unless I get
your seed order today,

I can't guarantee delivery.

Don't rush us.
This takes a little thought.

Oh, we can't stand
another year
like we had last year.

- What was wrong with it?
- We all lost money.

Oh. I thought that was
the year before.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Mr. Douglas. Hey,
why don't you ask Mr. Douglas
what he's gonna plant?

Why ask him?
He's a born loser.

- Mr. Trendell--
- He ain't gonna plant nothin'.
He's goin' to Monte Carlo.

- I'm not going to Monte Carlo.
- Where's that?

- It's on the coast of France.
- Where's that?

- It's--
- Well, you must be pretty
proud of yourself,

runnin' off and desertin' us
when the ship is sinkin'.

Ooh, you're goin' by ship?

- I'm not goin' anywhere.
- We know that.

Mr. Trendell--
Roy, why don't you leave
Mr. Douglas alone.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Uh, look, fellows.
I came in to ask you what crops
you're gonna plant this year.

I might as well plant
corn again. That was
my best crop last year.

Lost only six dollars
an acre on it.

Well, then you better
put me down for alfalfa,

'cause I only lost
four dollars an acre on that.

Is that all?

Well, then you better
change me to alfalfa.

I'll plant that too.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.
This is no way to plant--

planting crops
you're gonna lose
money on.

We're-- We're farming
to make money.

Douglas, we can do without
your radical ideas.

What's so radical
about making money?

How much did you make
out of your farm last year?

Well--

- You see?
- Ah, that don't prove nothin'.

He wouldn't make no money
even in a good year.

Now see here, Mr. Ziffel.

We're wastin' time. Make up your
mind what you're gonna plant,
and give me your seed orders.

Well, I don't think
I'm gonna plant nothin'.
That way I won't get hurt.

I'll go along with that.

This is ridiculous.

There must be something
we can plant
to make money from.

You name it,
we'll plant it.

What are you good for?
[ Hank ]
Wouldn't you like to know?

It's you.

Yes. I didn't want to
interrupt you while you were
talking to the dirt.

Mr. Kimball--
I had a cousin
that used to talk to dirt.

Well, it wasn't dirt.
It was mud.

He started when he was
a kid talking to sand
in the sandbox.

Flunked kindergarten
six times in a row.

- I was just thinking
out loud.
- What about?

I was just wondering
what this soil is good for.

Well--
[ Chuckles ]

Why don't you ask it?

Hello, little earth.
What are you good for?

Mr. Kimball,
would you plea--
Shh! Maybe it'll answer.

Mr. Kimball, the farmers
around here have
a serious problem.

- They do? What is it?
- You.

For a man that has
a handful of dirt,
that's pretty sarcastic.

Mr. Kimball, you're our
county agent, aren't you?

Do you realize that last year
every farmer in this valley
lost money?

Well, there's a simple
solution to that:
Move out of the valley.

We don't want to move.

Then you're just gonna
have to get used to
losing money.

- Anything else
I can help you with?
- You haven't helped me.

Oh, come on.
Let's not pout.

I realize how bad things
are for the people
around here,

but this never would have
happened if they'd listened
to me in the first place.

Come to think of it,
they did listen to me
in the first place.

Mr. Kimball, this land
in this valley must be
good for growing something.

- Oh, it is.
- What?

Well, there was one farmer
round here that ended up
with $30,000 last year.

- What did he plant?
- His uncle.

He died and left him
$30,000.

You mis--

Look, Mr. Kimball, is there
any crop that would
grow well in this soil?

Grapefruit.

It isn't warm enough
for grapefruit.

It isn't? Hmm.

To think I had one
for breakfast this morning.

Look, do you people keep
any records of what has been
grown here and a soil analysis?

Yes. I think I have that
information over at the office.

Would you get it for me?

Get what?

The records!
Oh. Yes, sir.

I'll-- I'll run right over
and get 'em for you right now.

[ Chuckles ]
I was going in
the wrong direction.

Oliver.
Mmm.

Are you still thinking?

No. I'm going over
these reports
that Kimball sent over.

Oh.

What are you doing?
I'm trying to see if I set
the table for dinner.

I don't think you did.
Oh. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Do you have to
do this now?

You always get so mad
if dinner isn't
ready in time.

Lisa, I would appreciate it
if you would just let me alone
for an hour or two.

All right.
Would it bother you
if I start dinner now?

Not if you're quiet.
I'll be as quiet
as a mouse.

Fine.

How quiet is a mouse?

Lisa!
Sorry.

[ Creaks ]

Lisa, will you please--

Hi.

[ Door Slams ]

Shh!
What's the matter?

Has he got a hangover?
No. He's just grouchy.

Is that why he threw
the drawer at you?

Look, Eb.

What are you doing, Dad?

Eb, I'm not your dad.

But if I were, oh, boy,
would I give it to you.

What's this stuff?
Old records.

Oh.

Eb, p-- Will you
put that down?

Hey. These are the records
of the old Carmichael place.

I remember him
when I was a kid.

Boy, he was a great farmer.
One year he made $28,000.

- What did he plant?
- His aunt.

Why do I keep asking
that question?

I'd forgotten all about
Crazy Carmichael.

They called him that
because every year...

he'd plant 400 acres
of rutabagas,
but never could sell 'em.

Why not?
Nobody knew what they were.

- What are they?
- Oh, they're a kind of
a turnip.

Boy, you never saw "rutabagers"
like old Crazy used to grow.

- Some of them were this big.
- If you're looking
for your plate--

No. I'm looking for
a Department of Agriculture
bulletin...

that I saw here
on rutabagas.

Oh. Here. Here we are.
"The Production of Turnips
and Rutabagas."

"The soil:
Turnips thrive
on a fairly acid soil,

but rutabagas have
a higher lime requirement."

Isn't that interesting?

According to this regional
soil analysis,

the soil here
in this valley is very high
in the lime content.

Oliver!
That's fascinating.

- I've got an idea.
- From such a small kiss?

No. I think I know a way
to solve the farming problem
around here.

Gentlemen, uh, this was supposed
to be a meeting of all
the farmers in the valley.

Well, you picked
a bad night.

There's a big picture
on TV tonight,

and everybody wanted to
stay home to see it.

Yeah. Elizabeth the Queen,
starring Ruby Keeler
and Pinky Tomlin.

This is very important.

Whatever it is, let's get it
over with so we can go home, see
the last half of the picture.

I'll try to be
as brief as possible.

Well, you say you will,
but you won't.

Gentlemen, how would you like
to make your farms pay off
this year?

Well, that'd be great.

I'll vote for that.
Me too.
Now can we go home?

Wait, wait. Please.
Here. Sit down.

I haven't explained
my idea yet.

I knowed there's
a catch to it.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Now, I've been doing
research on the economy
of this valley,

and there's one crop that
grows extremely well here:

rutabagas.

- Did you say rutabaga?
- That's right.

And my suggestion is that
everybody in the valley
plant them.

Are you any relation
to Crazy Carmichael?

No, I'm not.

Oh, we know we can
grow rutabagas here,

but what's the point
in growin'
if we can't sell 'em?

We can sell them.

My idea is to create
a market for them.

Look what Florida did
with oranges,

Idaho with potatoes,
Washington with apples.

I never knew Washington
ate apples.

That isn't what--

Look. What I'm proposing
is that we make this
a cooperative venture.

We all plant rutabagas
and invest a small amount
of money in publicity...

to show the consumer
that rutabagas are good
for 'em-- they're healthy.

There are lots of inexpensive
meals you can cook with 'em.
Things like that.

In other words,
we'll create a demand for them.

- Well, I don't know.
- Well, you don't have to make
up your minds this moment.

Good. Then we can see
what's left of the movie.

Rutabagas.
Well, what's wrong
with the idea?

- Douglas thought of it.
- It might work.

But suppose it didn't work.

This valley would be stuck
with 6,000 acres
of rutabagas.

Imagine how that'd smell
on a hot day.

But-- Yeah, but
if we create a market--

Oh, hello there.
Hi, Mrs. Douglas.

Please don't get up.
Oh, I can't.
I'm stuck to the chair.

We were just talking about
your husband, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, he isn't Mrs. Douglas.
He's Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, we was discussing
that crackpot idea of his.

Which crackpot idea of his
was that?

About the rutabagas.

Well, I happen to think
Mr. Douglas has a good idea,

to make the world
rutabaga-conscious.

Most of the farmers around here
barely make a living out of
what they grow.

So, if growin' rutabagas
and creatin' a market
for 'em will do it, I'm for it.

You wouldn't talk like that
if we didn't owe you money.

Well, it worked for Florida.

They made the world
orange-conscious with their
Orange Bowl football game,

their parade
and their orange queen.

That's a good idea.
We could have the same here.

We could have an Orange Bowl,
but with rutabagas,

and we could have a Rose Parade
with a rutabaga float.

Doggone. We could do that,
couldn't we?

Well, now it's startin'
to make sense.

Sure. If we all put
our minds to it,

we could make Hooterville
the rutabaga capital
of the world.

What did they say?

They're going to have
the Rutabaga Bowl here,

and they're going to have
a parade with rutabaga floats
and a rutabaga queen.

Oh, they were putting you on.

No. They're serious.
They all divided up
into committees.

Now, Mr. Trendell
is in charge of getting
the football teams,

and Mr. Kiley is going to
try to get one of the old
Rose Parade queens...

to convert to rutabagas.

And you're in charge of
the Rutabaga Bowl Ball.

- The Rutabaga--
- They'd like to have that
at the White House.

Oh. Well, I'll see
what I can do.

Good. Now you're getting
into the spirit of things.

Lisa, this is ridiculous.

- You won't think that
when you watch it on TV.
- TV?

That's Mr. Ziffel's committee.

Hello? Hello?

Sarah, are you gettin'
my number?

Uh, Mr. Ziffel.
Just a minute.

I'm callin' New York.

Hello.
Is this CBS?

Yeah. Well, I want to talk
to the fella that sends out
the color TV cameras.

Mr. Ziffel.
Just a minute.

Uh, I want to order about 12
of your best TV cameras.

Six of 'em ought to have
the slow motion thing on it,

and the other six
with the instant replay.

- Mr. Ziffel.
- What's it for?

Oh, it's for the football
game we're having here
in the Rutabaga Bowl.

The football game
in the Rutabaga Bowl
here in Hooterville.

Hooterville!
Hooter-- What?

Here. Will you tell
that fella I ain't drunk?

He's not drunk,
but he might just as well be.

Now, what did you
hang up for? Now the cameras
won't be here in time.

Cameras for what?
The football game
in the Rutabaga Bowl.

Roy's out lining up
the teams now.

Hello.
Is this the University
of Southern California?

Oh, Mr. Trendell.
Didn't anybody
ever tell you to knock?

The door was open.
Hello.

I'd like to talk to
the fella in charge of
the football schedule.

Uh, oh, no. Mr. Trendell,
you're wasting your time.
Hello.

Are you in charge of
the football schedule
at USC?

[ Laughs ]
Good. Now, how would you
like to have your team...

meet the Hooterville Rockets
in the Rutabaga Bowl?

The Ruta--

Well, if that's the way
you feel, we'll get
somebody else.

Hello, Sarah.
Get me Notre Dame University
in Indi--

Never mind, Sarah.
Hang up.

What did you do that for?
I'm trying to save you from
making a fool of yourself.

There isn't gonna be
any Rutabaga Bowl.

No? Then why is Newt calling
Sophia Loren to be
the rutabaga queen?

Hello?
Uh, is this Rome, Italy?

Well, I'd like to
talk to Sophie Loren.

Her phone number?
Uh, just a second.

Uh, uh, her number's...

Colosseum, quattro,
uno, uno, uno.

Grazie.

Mr. Kiley, you--
Oh. Hello.

Sophie? Newt Kiley.

Fine. How are you?

Well, that's good.

Say, how would you like
to be the rutabaga queen
here in Hooterville?

Oh, I knew you would!

Oh, I'll let you know
the date.

Arrivederci, honey.

What was it you wanted
to see me about,
Mr. Douglas?

Nothing.

Nothing.

What's wrong with the people
of this community?

I had a simple idea
about raising rutabagas.

The next thing I know,
Ziffel is trying to get CBS
to send him color cameras,

Trendell is trying to get
the USC football team...

and Newt is calling Sophia Loren
to be a rutabaga queen.

This is absurd.
That's what I told 'em,
but they get carried away.

- They sure do.
- Yeah.

Wonder why Ed Sullivan
hasn't called me back.

- What?
- Well, I thought we oughta
do something sensible,

so I called him about
buying 10 minutes of time
on his program.

- Ten minutes--
- I didn't want him to do
anything fancy.

Just talk about rutabagas.

Look. Uh, why don't we call
this whole thing off?

Includin' the balloon
ascension today?

Yes. Including--

- What balloon?
- Well, that was
Haney's committee.

See, he's the only one
in the valley
that owns a balloon.

He used to go up in it
at state fairs.

This one I don't
understand at all.

Well, you see, Haney's idea
was to fill the basket
full of rutabagas,

send the balloon up,
and let it float over
the country...

droppin' rutabagas as it goes.

And Mr. Haney's gonna
go up in the balloon?

No, no. He's not gonna
go up in it. He's selecting
some pretty girl to ride in it.

What girl in her right mind
would go up in a balloon?

Mr. Douglas. Mr. Douglas.
Guess who was elected
balloon queen.

Uh, Mrs. Douglas,
have you ever flowed
in a balloon before?

I don't think so.

I was once locked into
the ladies' room on the top
of the Eiffel Tower.

Well, balloon flyin'
is a little like that,

except you're more
out in the open.

Are you sure this is safe,
Mr. Haney?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Suppose you get a leak
in the bag?

You just call the Auto Club,

and they'll send
somebody up to fix it.

Now, as soon as
we release the balloon,
it'll go straight up,

and then the prevailin'
winds will just carry it
across the country.

And every time you fly over
a likely-lookin' town or city,

drop a few "rutabagers."

There's a tag on each one...

that says
"Eat Hooterville Rutabagas."

Now, these are actually
Pixley rutabagas,

but by the time the orders
start comin' in,
we'll be growin' our own.

How do I get down?

Just pull that rope.

I'd pull it as soon
as you get over, uh,
Anaheim, "Californy."

Uh, there ain't no point
in goin' any further west...

'cause, uh, I don't think
there's much of
a rutabaga market in Hawaii.

Anything else
I should know?
No.

Well, then let's get
the show on the road.

Stand back, everybody!

Lisa!

Lisa!

Have a good trip,
Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa! Lisa!
Lisa, come back!

Pick me up in Anaheim.

Lisa, come down. Lisa!

Eat "Hootersville"
rutabagas.

Lisa, come on down!

Eat "Hootersville"
rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville
rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville
rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville
rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville
rutabagas.

Fighter command headquarters.
Major Boland.

What?
Somebody's bombing Denver?

- Scramble. Scramble.
- [ Alarm Blaring ]

Oliver.

What?
You thinking?

Yes.
What about?

I'd rather not say.

Do you mind
if I sit down
and watch you think?

I'd rather you didn't.

You're still bugged
about the balloon.

Oh, no, I'm not.

But that was
the most stupid thing
you've ever done.

That's all you've said
ever since I came home.

And I'll keep on saying it.
That was the most stupid thing
you've ever done.

I'm sorry.

Do you realize
you could have been killed?

They almost shot you down
over Denver.

Well, it's a nice place
to visit, but I wouldn't
want to be shot down there.

Lisa, I nearly
went out of my mind.

I'm sorry, but-- but everybody
said you had such a good idea
with the rutabagas,

and I was just
trying to help you.

Well, I appreciate that.

But that was the most stupid
thing you've ever done.

Well, I guess I've done
a lot of stupid things
in my life,

but I did one smart thing--
when I married you.

- I agree.
- Where would I be
without you?

Floating over Denver.

Maybe I could help
to take your mind off it.

How?

I could sit on
your lap.

Ooh. How did they get
that balloon off the ground?

That did it.
Lisa, please.
I'm only kidding.

This has been a nightmare.
Let's just forget about
the whole thing.

[ Knocking ]

- Come in.
- Mr. Douglas?

- Yes.
- I'm from CBS.

I have the 12 color cameras
you ordered for
the Rutabaga Bowl.

- What?
- Six slow motion.
Six instant replay.

Oliver.
What?

You want to go for
a balloon ride?

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.