Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 15 - No Trespassing - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Ringing ]

- [ Ringing Continues ]
- Oliver.

- What?
- Oliver, the phone is ringing.

- Well, why don't you answer it?
- What's the use?
It's not for me.

- How do you know?
- Well, it's never for me.
Nobody ever calls me.

I don't have any friends here.

I'm cut off from civilization,

stuck out here
in the last outpost.

- Oh, for--
- [ Ringing Continues ]

If the Monroe brothers
don't fix that door,
I'm going to--

Your phone's ringing.



I know.
Why don't you fix the door?

Why don't you
answer your phone?
Look, Ralph, don't--

Look, you take care
of your business,
and we'll take care of ours.

I'll--
[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Groans ]

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

Why don't you
answer your phone?
Ooh--

[ Ringing Continues ]
What's bugging him?

You'd think he'd never
been hit in the stomach
with a board before.

Well, he's been
very edgy lately.

All he does is snarl at me.

Men-- they're all alike.

How would you know?
You're a loser.
Alf, I'm gonna--

- Hello?
- Is this Mr. Douglas?

- Yes, it is.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas?

- That's right. Who's this?
- It's your mother.

Mother!

Why, I didn't recognize
your voice. I--

No wonder.
When was the last time
you called me?

- Well, it was, uh--
- I can't remember either.

- Well, how are you?
- What difference does it make?

Oh, Mother, now stop
feeling sorry for yourself. I--

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm crying,
that's what I'm doing.

No, I'm not talking to you.

- You never do.
- Oh, for--

Do you have to make that racket?

I'm sorry.
I don't have any control
over my arteries.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

You never do!

You said that.

Look, Mother,
I can't talk to you now.
I'll call you soon.

That's what you said
when you called me
last Christmas.

Or was it the Christmas before?

I promise I-I'll call you soon.

Those were
your father's very words--

just before he disappeared,
30 years ago.

It's been nice
talking to you, Mother.
Good-bye now.

[ Groans ]
Give me that.

Ow.

- Who was that?
- It was his mother--

and he wasn't
very nice to her.

What do you expect from a guy
who bellyaches about getting
hit in the stomach with a board?

Now see here.
I've had about enough
of your impertinence.

Either you get to work,
or you get out of here.
Yes, sir.

I am not talking to you.

How long you gonna put up
with that, Mrs. Douglas?

It's really not his fault.
He's been working very hard
on the farm.

Yeah, I guess it ain't
an easy job to mess it up
the way he has.

[ Oliver ]
I heard that!

He's got ears
like a beagle.

And he's got a snout
like one too.

You two are fired.

Come on, Ralph.
No, I think he meant
me and my brother.

Well, if
there's some doubt,
why don't we ask him?

Out! Out! Out!

Oliver, that wasn't
very nice.

They had no right--
You're just not
yourself these days.

You're so grouchy.

You ought to
take a vacation.

How can I take a vacation
when there's so much work
to do around the farm?

That can wait.
Your health comes first.

Lisa, will you
leave me alone?

We left our lunch
in the bedroom.

What's wrong?
He stole our salami.

Anything else,
Mrs. Douglas?
Yes, I need a salami.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't carry them.

Oh, I have to have one.
My husband swiped
Alf and Ralph's.

- He swiped?
- I'm worried about him.

I wouldn't worry about him.
A lot of men swipe salamis.

Well, not a lot of men.

As a matter of fact,
I think you'll find
more women snatch salamis.

Or is it liverwurst?
No, that's a different color.

Just ignore him.

Mr. Douglas just hasn't
been himself lately.

Any idea who he's been?
Maybe we could have a talk
with the other fella.

- What's bothering your husband?
- He's been working too hard.

Since Eb has been away
on his honeymoon,

he has to do all the work
on the farm.

Eb can't be having
much of a honeymoon...

if he's doing
all the farm work himself.

Eb hasn't been doing any work.
Don't you understand?

I'm sorry I lost my temper,
Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, well,
that's all right.
I'm used to it.

My husband always
loses his temper.
He yells at everybody.

- Does he sleep well?
- Not too well.

- Is he nervous, cranky, upset?
- Yes.

Then you don't have
anything to worry about.

He's just blown his top.

- Hank.
- Mr. Douglas is just
living up to his statistics.

- What statistics?
- The one published
by Kleinfeld University.

They made a study
of farmers.

They also made a study
of Kleinfeld,

but they didn't publish that.
[ Chuckles ]

They found out
that the average new farmer...

falls apart at the rate
of 2.35 farmers
every 21 months.

How long has Mr. Douglas
been a farmer?

- Two years.
- [ Mumbling ]

That's 24 months.
That means he's
three months overdue.

What are you
talking about, Hank?

Mr. Douglas is just
a little tired.

You can't fly in the face
of statistics, Sam.

Boy, most people don't realize
the strain on a farmer.

I don't know
what to do for him.

Why don't you try
to get him away
for a vacation?

He doesn't want
to leave the farm.

Hey, why don't you
take him on a picnic?

I used to go on a lot
of picnics when things
got rough around here.

You mean a picnic with ants
and sunburn and poison ivy?

Yeah, and don't forget
the potato salad.

I can't find
a blanket.

What do you need it for?
It's not cold.

You can't have a picnic
without a blanket.

- Who's going on a picnic?
- We are.

You need to take a day off.

- Who said so?
- Kleinfeld University.

You have a bad statistics.
A bad stat--

According to them, you should
have flipped your wig
three months ago.

How do they know
when I'm supposed
to flip my wig?

- Well, anyway, we're going.
- If you want to go, go ahead.

Darling.

Do you love me?
Well, of course
I love you.

Well, then prove it.

How does going on
a picnic prove that?

I don't know,
but why don't you try?

I hate picnics.
Well, so do I.

So let's go
and have a good time.

Then the mama bear
said to the papa bear--

Lisa, you don't have
to tell me bedtime stories.

I want you to take
a little nap.
I don't want a nap.

You know, this wasn't
a bad idea.

Are you relaxed?
Yeah. I'm hungry.

I'll get you lunch.
What'd you bring?

Champagne.
Oh!

What else?
Glasses.

No, I mean,
what to eat?

Uh, well, uh--

Didn't you make lunch?
Of course I made lunch.

Where is it?

I left it
on the kitchen table.

What are we going to eat?

Why don't you
catch a sturgeon,

and then
we can have caviar?

There aren't any sturgeon
in this lake.

Well, why don't you
catch a lobster?

They go very well
with champagne.
There aren't any lobsters.

Would you like to try
for another lake?

Lisa--

Cool the champagne.
Maybe I'll catch a trout.

How do you cool it?
Put it in the lake.

Oh?

- You know, it's really
beautiful here.
- [ Cork Pops ]

We ought to do this
more often.

It's peaceful and--
[ Champagne Pouring ]

What? What are you doing?

Putting the champagne
in the lake,
like you said.

Oliver, one thing.

How do we get the champagne
back in the bottle?

I meant put the bottle
in the lake.

Oh.

Sometime you'll have to
explain how that works.

Yeah, sometime I'll--

Why don't you put your suit on?
Take a swim.

- What about you?
- No, I'll just sit here.

Maybe I can land
a drunken trout.

- We won't go hungry after all.
- What?

I said we won't
go hungry after all.
There are apples here.

- What are apple ears?
- Uh-- Put your suit on.

Ooh!
What you doing
on my land, mister?

Your land?

I didn't know
this was private property.

Can't you read?
Of course I can read,
but--

- Wh-Where did that come from?
- The Pixley Sign Shop.

- Are you Mr. Hatch?
- That's right.

Oh, well--
[ Chuckles ]
I'm Oliver Wendell Douglas.

You've got just five minutes
to clear off my property.

There's no need
to be hostile about it.

I didn't see your sign.
My wife and I were just--

- That'll be a dollar
for the apple.
- A dollar?

That's ridiculous.

If you don't like the price,
you can put 'em back
where you got 'em from.

- Now you know
I can't put 'em--
- Then that'll be a dollar.

All right.

There you are.

You're not a very
friendly man, are you?

I don't take to strangers
sneaking on my property.

- I didn't sneak.
- But then what can you expect
from city folk?

How do you know
I'm from the city?

Who else would be stupid enough
to pay a dollar for two apples?

Now look--

You've got
just three minutes
to get off my property,

- so don't waste time talking.
- [ Oliver ] Oh, oh, oh--

You got a bite?
Yes, yes.
How about that?

Easy, man, easy.

Easy. Don't yank it.

Play it carefully.
That's it.

Ah!
Oh!

Isn't that a beauty?
It sure is.

That'll be four dollars.

What? Four dollars?
Wait a minute here.
You can't--

This lake is posted.
I don't see any--

Yes, I do.

That'll be four dollars
for the fish,

and a dollar extra
for polluting my water
with that cheap champagne.

Cheap champagne?
It cost me $20 a bottle.

Well, then you can afford
four dollars for the fish,

and an extra buck
for polluting.

- That's highway robbery.
- You got one more minute.

Oh, for--
Oliver?

Who are you talking to?
Mr. Hatch.

Who?
This gentleman right--

What gentleman?

Well, there was
an old man here...

with a white beard
and a shotgun.

Oh? Oh, well.
Let's go and take
a swim in the lake.

You can't.
Can't you read that sign?

What sign?
It was right there.

And there's
a "no trespassing" sign--

That isn't there either.

Oliver, have you
been lapping the lake?
What?

You know, straining
the champagne
out of the water?

Lisa, I tell you,
there was a little old man here
with a white beard.

I gave him a dollar
for two apples.

Well, where are
the apples?

They're-- The--
[ Groans ]

The dirty crook.
He took 'em back.
Oh, it's all right.

We're gonna eat anyway,
because I caught a nice--

No, I didn't.

Oh. Mornin', Mr. Douglas.
Morning.

How was the picnic?
Oh, well, it, uh--

Best thing for them
jangled nerves of yours.

- Where'd you go?
- Crawford Lake.

- Beautiful spot.
- Yeah, it was till
Mr. Hatch showed up.

- Who?
- Ira Hatch, the man who owns
the place. He ordered us off.

- Ira Hatch did?
- Yes, that's right.

Ira Hatch himself?

Yes. Little man
with a white beard.

- About this long?
- That's right.

- Well, I'll be
a perfumed polecat.
- What's wrong?

Well, nothing, except
it couldn't have been Ira Hatch.

He passed away 20 years ago.

Oh. Well, maybe
it was one of
his relatives.

He ain't got
no relatives.

- But he couldn't be dead.
- Oh, yes, he could.

I personally
attended his funeral.

- You sure?
- I don't know what you do
in New York,

but around here we don't
give a man a funeral...

unless we're pretty sure
he needs one.

But I tell you,
I-I saw him.

Are you positive?
Yes.

Then I wanna thank you
for making me
the lucky winner.

- Winner?
- Of the "Oliver Douglas
crack-up pool."

- Crack-up--
- I had you down
for this month,

and I'll be darned
if you didn't flip
right on the nose.

Now look here--
I have not cracked up,

and I resent
this pool of yours.

When you moved here
we all figured it'd just
be a matter of time.

You got nothing
to be ashamed of, Mr. Douglas.

You lasted longer
than most people figured.

How much
do I win, Sam?

Now hold on, Haney.
You ain't won
this pool yet.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Ziffel,

for that one vote
of confidence.

The rules say you must get
a doctor's verdict...

before the winner
can be declared,

and I say we go by the rules.

In a cut-and-dried case
like this,

you don't need
a medical opinion.

Will you
listen to me?

I tell you,
I saw and I spoke
to Mr. Hatch--

just like
I'm speaking to you.

I even gave him a dollar
for two apples I picked.

- You give him a dollar
for two apples?
- Yes.

Well, I guess we don't need
a doctor's verdict
after all.

Give Haney the money, Sam.

Mr. Ziffel, I'm getting
a little annoyed
with all of this.

You're getting annoyed?
How about me?

If you'd a-lasted
one more month,
I would have won the pool.

Look, I'll show you.

Now you come with me.
I'll drive you out
to the lake.

Now, there's the spot
where we were gonna
have our picnic.

My wife opened
a bottle of champagne.

Champagne?
Give him back
the money, Haney.

He didn't crack up.
He was stoned.

- I was not stoned.
- Then you did crack up?

I didn't crack up.

- Calm down, Mr. Douglas.
- I'm sorry.

Now after you got stoned,
what happened?

I didn't--

Look. My wife
forgot the lunch,

so I walked up here
to look at this apple tree.

Mr. Douglas,
are you sure this is
the same apple tree?

Well, of course
it is.

See there?
He carved
his initials on it.

I know there's
no apple tree here,
but there was one yesterday.

Well, maybe old Ira
took it away with him.

Yeah, he was a great one
for carrying apple trees
around with him.

Mr. Douglas, are you sure
this is the same spot
that you were yesterday?

I'm positive.
Ira Hatch was standing
right where you are.

Is he there now?

Of course not.
You don't see him, do you?

Well, no, but I thought
maybe you did.

Look, I know I sound crazy,

but yesterday Ira Hatch
was standing right here.

I saw him.
The apple tree was there.

There was a "no fishing" sign
down there.

There was
a "no trespassing" sign up here.

- Sure there was.
- Now don't humor me.

Well, why don't we all
go back to town
and talk it over.

Mr. Hatch!

Still don't believe
in signs, do you?

That wasn't there
two seconds ago.

Mr. "Zucker!"
Mr. "Driffel!"

Mr. "Hooney!"

Mr. Douglas!
What's the matter?

It was him. It was him.
I saw him.

I-Ira Hitch!
[ Laughing ]
Hutch! Hooch! Hooch!

Hooch?
You been hitting
that stuff again?

No! I really--
He knocked me down.

Oh, there's
nobody here,
Mr. Douglas.

You must have tripped
over something.
I s--

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, that's right.

I tripped
over something.
Come on.

Let's all go
back to town.

[ Ringing ]
Hello?

Oh, hello, Mother.
This is Lisa.

Lisa!

How nice of you
to call, dear.

That son of mine
would never pick up a phone
to find out how I am.

I could be lying
in the gutter.

Mother, Mother,
this isn't a social call.

It's about Oliver.

You're going to divorce him?
Oh, Lisa, that's the smartest
thing you've ever done.

No, Mother.

Oliver isn't feeling well.

Oh? What's wrong
with my boy?

Well, he's been seeing things
which aren't there.

- [ Laughing ]
Is that all?
- Mother, it's serious.

It's hereditary.

His father used
to see pink elephants.

He was a liberal Republican.

Oliver sees a little man...

with a long beard
and a shotgun...

and a no "trepsassing" sign.

Oh, this is serious.

His father never saw
anything like that,

no matter how long
a binge he was on.

Oliver hasn't been bingeing.

He's been making this up
out of his own head.

- Who had this month
in the crack-up pool?
- What?

Don't you worry, Lisa darling.
I'll have Dr. Faber
fly down immediately.

Is there an airport there?

No, but there is one
at the county seat.

Then he has to take
a bus to Pixley,

and then the Cannonball
to "Hootersville."

Oh, Lisa darling.

I do wish you've move back
to America.

Oh, Dr. Faber.
Come in, come in.

How are you, Lisa?

Oh, I'm fine,
but I'm worried
about Oliver.

You see--
Lisa, I--

Oh, Dr. Faber.
Well, what are you
doing here?

He just happened to be
in the neighborhood
and he dropped in.

Lisa, did you call Mother?

Mother who?

Oliver, your mother was worried
about you and she asked me
to have a look at you.

Why do I need an obstetrician?

Oh, I've kind of
given that up.

Too seasonal--
you just work
nine months a year.

I've been dabbling
in psychiatry.

Well, dabble somewhere else.
I don't need a psychiatrist.

Well, then who needs one?
The little old man
with the white beard?

- Tell me about him.
- Well, he's a little man and--

- Did you see him?
- No.

- Then let Oliver tell me.
- There's nothing to tell.

I saw him out at the lake
when we went there
on the picnic.

Did anybody else
see him?

How could they?
He's been dead for 20 years.
Oh, I mean--

- You see what I mean?
- Lisa.

- Do you see him now?
- Do you?

- I asked you first.
- I've only seen him
at the lake.

Oliver, why don't you
sit down?

Don't you want
him to lie down
on the couch?

Why?
Is he tired?

Well, I thought you
always have to lie down
with a psychiatrist.

Oh, that's only
in the National League.

I'm an American League
psychiatrist.
Now, Oliver--

- He hates his mother,
if that's of any help.
- Who doesn't?

Uh, Lisa, why don't you
go make some coffee?

Please?
All right.

Now, Oliver, why don't
you sit down here,

and let's see
if we can, uh, get
to the root of this thing.

Now has anything
been bothering you lately?

- Nothing.
- How've you been sleeping?

- Fine.
- Any dreams?

- Just the usual.
- You mean like Sophia Loren?

- Yes.
- Did you give up on Faye Wray?

- Look, Doctor--
- You used to have
a pretty good sense of humor.

- Well, I've been working hard.
- Ever take a day off?

Not since I've been here.

The day we went on the picnic's
the first time I've had off
in two years.

Was that the first time
you saw this little old man
with a beard?

Yes, and now I'm sorry
I took the day off.

- That'll be $25.
- What?

Well, it should be 50,
but you've solved
your own problem.

- What are you talking about?
- What did you just say?

"What are you talking about?"

I mean, what did you just say
about the picnic?

That I was sorry
I went on it.

In other words,
you had a guilt feeling
about taking time off...

so your mind created
this little old man...

who chased you
off his property...

so you'd have to come back
to your farm.

I didn't make him up.
I saw him.

When you're under a strain,
your mind can play
strange tricks on you.

Well, maybe,
but I did see him.

Well, why don't we
drive out to the lake,
and maybe I can convince you.

Do you see him?
No.

Do you see any signs?
No.

Well, how about
the apple tree?

It's not there.

In other words,
the whole thing
was an hallucination.

Well, I--

No, it isn't.

You're here--
and he never shows up
when somebody else is around.

Yesterday, when all the fellas
came out here with me,

he didn't show up
till they'd gone
back to the car.

Why don't I try that?

Mr. Hatch?

Mr. Hatch?

I'm gonna go fishing.

I'm gonna pick
some apples.

Well?
He didn't show up.

Well, I didn't think
he would.

Well, look, Oliver,
all you have to do
is to take it easy.

Learn to relax.

And don't worry
about that farm of yours,

because from what
I've seen of it,
worry isn't going to help it.

'Board!

[ Lisa ]
Thank you, Dr. Faber.
Have a good trip.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

Darling, are you
feeling better?

Oh, much better.
That Dr. Faber
is a fine psychiatrist.

Then he cured you?
He did better than that.

He took my problem
with him.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.