Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 16 - Eb Returns - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Well, them fellers don't write
the World Guardian!

Oh, doggone it!

Now, this is yer last chance.
If I don't get
what I was supposed to get,

you're gonna get it!

Well, that's better.

Mr. Drucker?

Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.
Come on back to the pressroom.

I got somethin'
I wanna show ya.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Mrs. Douglas.
I didn't know you were here.

Oh, that's because
when we first came in...



and Mr. Douglas said,
"Oh, Mr. Drucker?"

and you said,
"Come back here. There is
something I want to show you,"

Mr. Douglas didn't say,
"My wife is with me."

You don't have to make
such a big thing out of it.

Mr. Drucker just said
he didn't know you were here.

Well, since he was
nice enough to mention it,

the least I could do
to give him an explanation.

If it were up to you,
I could be standing here,

and he never
would have known why.

Aha. I-I wanted
to show you... this.
Yes.

Since I am with him,
can I look too?

Oh, sure, sure.
Very nice.

Oh. Why didn't you
put her name on it too?

I don't know her name.
Nobody does.

When he eloped, he just
left us a note saying he'd
run off with what's-her-name.

Uh, "Wish us luck."

Didn't he introduce you to her
when he brought her home
yesterday?

They're not home yet.

They're not due back
from the Grand Canyon
till, what, Friday.

Well, that's strange.
Ben Miller said...

he saw Eb over at
Crabwell Corners yesterday.

- He must've made a mistake.
- Yeah, well, that's possible.

Ben always
goes over there to --

That used to be
your favorite exercise.

That was not my favorite--

Well, I'm glad Eb ain't
home yet, Mrs. Douglas,
because it just came in.

It did? Isn't that
wonderful, Oliver?
What's wonderful?

It's here!
What's here?

What Mrs. Douglas ordered.

Come on.
I'll show it to you.
Show me what?

Eb's wedding present.
[ Exhales ]

What are we getting him
for a wedding present?

Something made
out of silver.

A filling for his tooth.

A silver set for 12.
Now that he is married,

he's going to do
a lot of entertaining.

Who's he gonna entertain?
He doesn't know 12 people.

Do you know
what pattern I got him?
Carbuncle.

Carbuncle?
Oh, yeah.

They call it that
because the knives have
little bumps on the handles.

They keep the knife from
jumpin' out of your hand...

when you're cuttin'
a tough piece of meat.

That's very--
Service for 12?

I had the choice of
the carbuncle pattern and
the Martha Washington pattern.

That's their Italian design.

Martha Washington?
That's not very Italian.

Oh, they spell Washington
the Italian way.

- How's that?
- I don't know.
I've never sold a set.

Well, come on.
Let's get your carbuncle
and get out of here.

You know,
this is the biggest
silver order I ever got.

Your wife got
the whole thing at once.

Most people just order
a can at a time.

Yeah, my wife--

A can?
Yeah, of Dingo's
Duck Dressing.

Duck dressing?

It's not how they dress.
It's what you stuff them with.

Yeah, it's a special
that Dingo puts out every year.

There's a sterling silver
teaspoon in every can.

- I don't believe it!
- Oh, yeah.

Why, that's where
they get their slogan from:

"Eatin' Dingo's dressin'
is like bein' born with
a silver spoon in your mouth."

Oh, that's a dilly.
No, it's a Dingo.

I wonder if it's too late
to have you deported?

Oh. Miss Douglas,
here are your butter knives.
Dingo's Macaroni?

Now, the regular knives
come in the Number Six package
of Dingo's Spaghetti.

You know, with all this
spaghetti and macaroni,

I don't know,
maybe I should've gotten
the Martha Washington style.

We get more compliments
on our carbuncle.

What do you think,
Oliver?

I think I'm gonna be sick.
Where are the forks?

Oh. Well, the salad forks
are in the canned asparagus,

and the regular forks
are here in
the dill pickles.

Doesn't the brine
tarnish them?

No. Dill pickles
are always green.

No, I meant--

Never mind.
Have we got the whole set?

Yes. Isn't this
a wonderful way
to buy silver?

You get what to eat
and what to eat with.
Yeah, well--

If Eb and his bride
don't like the carbuncle,

they can always trade it in for
the Martha Washington pattern
if they don't open the cans.

Lisa, I've seen some strange
wedding presents in my time--

And they all came from
your side of the family.

By any chance, do you think
Eb or his bride would like
to have the gravy boat?

That comes
in the canned ham.

- Say, you gonna give Eb
a party?
- No, we--

Yes, we are.
We're going to give him
a big party.

Why do we have
to give him a party?

Well, we ought to do
something nice for him.

We are doing
something nice for him.

I'm letting him
come back to work,

and we're buying him a set
of matched canned goods.

Well, we ought
to do some--
[ Door Opens ]

Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel.
Good mornin', folks.
Good mornin'.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel.
Hello, Arnold.

[ Snorting ]
[ Fred ]
Don't talk to him, Miss Douglas.

Now, you get over there
and sit down now, and I don't
wanna hear a word out of you.

- Darn fool pig.
- What did he do?

What did he do?
He nearly scared me to death,
that's what he did.

Last night,
he stole an apple
out of the fruit bowl.

And this mornin'
when I got up,

he was lyin' flat
with his back on the floor
with the apple in his mouth.

[ Squealing ]

Yeah, very funny.

I tell you,
Mrs. Douglas, I--

What are you doin',
buyin' some Dingo ware?
They bought the whole set.

Oh, includin'
the towels?
Towels?

Yeah, me and Doris
got the whole shebang.

Hand towels, face towels,
bath towels and
shower curtains to match.

- A shower curtain?
- They pack that in
the 10-pound flour sack.

Oliver, do you think
Eb would like to have
the whole towel set too?

- Oh, I don't really think he--
- What is the name
of that girl he married?

- We don't know.
- Ain't ya met her?

No, they won't be home
till Friday.

Oh. They're gonna stay
over in Pixley
till then, huh?

Pixley?
Yeah.

Doris said she saw Eb
in Pixley yesterday.

I wonder if that's
the same Eb Mr. Miller saw
in Crabwell Corners.

Now, it couldn't be,
because Eb is coming home
from the Grand Canyon on Friday.

Oh, I think Doris
made a mistake.

Not Doris.

No, she's got an eye
like an eagle...
and a nose like one too.

[ Squealing ]

Now, don't you tell her
I said that.

It doesn't make sense.

If Ed were in
Crabwell Corners or Pixley,
he would've called us.

Called us what?

On the phone. Mr. Drucker,
would you help me
out to the car with this?

Hello, everybody.
Hi, Newt.

Say, Mr. Douglas,
Eb sure must've had
a good time on his honeymoon.

- He looks great.
- You saw him?

Yeah, over at
Stankwell Falls this morning.

Are you sure it was Eb?

Well, I ain't too sure,
'cause he shaved off
his mustache.

- Oh, he never had a mustache.
- Then it must've been Eb.

Well, that doesn't
seem like Eb.

Yeah, it was him.
He didn't have a mustache.

Well, why would Eb say
he's coming home on Friday
when he's already here?

I told 'em
I'd be home Friday.

But, Eb, I've got
a date on Friday.

It won't take long.

Cynthia, all I wanna do
is introduce you to
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas as my wife,

and then you can
go keep your date.

I'm sorry, Eb.
But, Cynthia,
I'm in a spot!

How's it gonna look if
I come home from my honeymoon
without a wife?

Well, what happened
to your wife?

I haven't got one.
I never got married.

You didn't?
But I thought that you--

I was jilted.
She left me standing
at the altar...

with a bouquet of flowers
in one hand
and a bag of rice in the other.

I would've cried,
but I didn't have an extra hand
to get at my handkerchief.

Well, why did she--
It's too painful to discuss.

Please help me. I've tried
every other girl I know.

I went to Crabwell Corners
and Pixley
and Stankwell Falls, and--

and you're my last hope.

Oh, Eb.
Oh, Eb.

Cynthia, I thought you were
one of my best friends.
Well, I am.

Then what are friends for,
except to be somebody's wife
for a few hours.

Oh, Eb, really!
It might not even
take that long.

All I have to do is say,
"This is my wife."
And then you can get lost.

Well, don't you think
they might ask where I went?

That's no problem.
I'll just tell 'em we had
a fight and we got a divorce.

It's ridiculous!

Mom and Pop Douglas
have been like
my own ma and pa.

If I come home without a wife,
I don't know what it'll do
to the old folks.

Why do you have
to make it so complicated?

What would you suggest I do?

How about telling
the Douglases the truth--
that you're not married?

Leave it to a girl
to come up with
a stupid solution.

Lisa, I'll--

What are you doing?
Polishing silver.

Polishing the sil--

Do you think
we should wrap them separately
or lump them altogether?

- Well, my suggestion would be--
- I've got another question
to ask you.

Look, I haven't answered
the first one yet.

I've got another question.
Do you think we should have...

the newlywed
"welcome home" party
on Friday or Saturday?

- Why don't we just--
- One more question.

Do you think $600
is too much for the estimate?

- Well, I--
- Which question
are you answering?

The $600 question.

That program isn't
on the air anymore.

- What program?
- You answer my question first,
and then I answer yours.

- Fine.
- Can I go ahead with it?

Uh, go ahead with what?

- Now, about the barn.
- The barn?

Well, what are
we talking about?

I haven't
the faintest idea!
Oh! I'll show you.

Now, this is what
they're going to do
for the $600 estimate.

Oh. Here you are.
Yeah, here I am.

You know, this room
was all right for Eb
while he was a bachelor.

But now that he's married,
we have to redo
the entire thing.

And we're going to start
with that ladder over there.

We're going to get rid of it
and build a staircase
coming up here.

What do they need
a staircase for?

Well, Eb doesn't need one,
but his wife is expecting.

She's expecting?
Yes.

She's expecting a staircase
instead of a ladder.

Oh--
[ Muttering ]

Did you say something?
No. No, no, no.

Now, this monkey will go.
Oh, that's Eb's
graduation present.

Well, it goes,
and so does this.

I think you should
discuss it with Eb...

before you take down
his mother's picture.

Now that Eb is married,
he won't need Eloise
to keep his feet warm.

Oh, I'm sorry, Eloise.
I want you packed
and out of here by Friday.

Now, then. Hmm.

The mattress is all right.
Hmm?

But we're going to get
a whole new spread with
something "romantical" on it,

like Cupids shooting arrows
at each other.

Why not
Custer's last stand?

That way, you get arrows
and Indians and soldiers
and, uh, cowboys.

I think I know what I am doing
in the romantical department.

You won't get
any argument from me.

Now, above the bed,
we're going to have
one of those knitted signs.

Oh, you mean a sampler.
Yes, one of those
knitted sign samplers.

Something saying
something romantical, like--

How about, uh,
"Don't talk to the driver
while the bus is in motion"?

No, no. It should have
the word "love" in it.

Oh. How about,
"I love my wife,
but, oh, you kid"?

What does that mean?
I don't know. My father
had it tattooed on his chest.

Oh. Well, maybe Eb would like
to make up his own saying.
I'm sure he would.

Besides,
there was nothing included...

in the $600 estimate
about writing on the walls.

What was the 600 for?

To do the room
in early American furnitures...

with matching walls
in "potty nine."

Potty nine?
Mm-hmm.

Oh. Knotty pine.
Oh, that's 650.

Look, what do we need
potty nine--
knotty pine for?

We could use beaverboard.
That's 800.

For beaverboard?

Do you know how long
it takes a beaver
to make a board?

No, but I could
look it up.

Then you think that Saturday
would be all right?
For what?

Well, what we have been
talking about?

I'm sure I don't know.

About the party
for the newlyweds!

We can string
Japanese lanterns
across the house,

and we can put
the champagne table over there
and the orchestra over there.

The orchestra?
Well, that's really for you,

because whenever you get
stoned on champagne,
you always want to dance.

Lisa, I don't object
to throwing Eb a party,

but this is gonna
cost us a fortune.

Well, how much are you
willing to pop for?

Pop?
How much bread are you
going to lay out?

Bread?
This is hippie talk.

By the way, are you going
to be able to come
to the love-in on Sunday?

Now, where is that
going to be?

In there.

And who's coming to that?
You and me.

Will you be able
to make it?

Let's see how I survive
the champagne Saturday night.

Come on,
will ya, Cynthia?

Why do I have
to carry the suitcase?

Well, you want 'em
to think we're married,
don't you?

Boy, it's great
to be home.

It is?
It just looks like this
on the outside.

But the inside is terrible.
Come on.
Let's get it over with.

What's the matter?
Uh, I've changed my mind.

You can't change your mind!
This is the silliest--

Cynthia Appleby, you promised!
You can't back out!

Why not?
What's all the--

Eb!
Hi, Dad!

Well!
Nice to see ya.

I thought I heard
somebody out here.
Oh, yeah, um--

Me and the little woman
were just having one of
those premarital fights,

like you and Mom always have.

Are you gonna
introduce me?

To who?

To your wife.
Oh, yeah.

Come on. Uh, Mr. Douglas,
may I present my wife,
Cynthia Appleby.

I'm very-- Appleby?

That was her maiden name.
Her married name
is Mrs. Appleby.

I mean, Mrs. Dawson.
Mrs. Eb Dawson.

You can call her Cynthia.
It's very nice
to know you, Cynthia.

It's been nice
meeting you too.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to be running along.

Running along?
Eb!

Hi, Mom!
Eb, you look wonderful.

And this must be your bride.
Oh, isn't she pretty?

Thank you, Mrs. Douglas.
I'd better be going.

Well, what are we
standing around here for?

Come on in.
Oh, I really can't.

You see, I've got--
Come on, honey!

Aren't you going to
carry her over the threshold?

Oh, sure.
Mm-mm!

Oh, I forgot.
The doctor said I wasn't
supposed to lift anything heavy.

It's bad luck for a bride
not to be "thresholded."

Oliver, maybe
you could carry her.

Uh, that wouldn't be
official.

Well, somebody
ought to be carried.

I'd carry you, but, uh,
I go to the same doctor Eb does.

Come on inside.
We have a lot to talk about.

Well, uh--
Eb, may I speak
to you a minute?

Oh, uh, excuse us.
This is man and wife stuff.

Oh, we understand.
We had some
of that stuff ourselves.

What's the matter?
This is very embarrassing.

I don't wanna go in the house.
Why not?

If they start
asking questions--
I'll answer them.

Look, I've gotta go home.
I've got a date.

What kind of a wife are you
makin' a date the night
you're meetin' your in-laws?

But--
Come on.

Look, just go in and
talk to 'em for a little while,
and then you can go home.

When we found Eb's note
saying he was eloping,

we were a little afraid
that he might be doing
something foolish.

But now that I see you,
I am sure he made
the right choice.

Well, she didn't do
so bad either.

Oh, boy.

Thank you.
That's very nice of you.

Yeah, there's only
one girl for me,
and that's old Cyn here.

Uh, according to your postcard,
you had a wonderful time
on your honeymoon.

Yes. Did you enjoy
Niagara Falls?

Uh--
Uh, well,
she didn't see the falls.

She gets seasick
when she looks at water.
Yes, I'm seasick.

Well, uh, how did you like
the Grand Canyon?

Uh, Grand Canyon?
Don't you remember, honey?

That was the big
hole in the ground with
the creek runnin' through it.

Yes, the-the creek.
She got seasick there too.

Oh, well, we want you to know
how happy we are
for both of you,

and we want to
welcome you to the family.

Doggone.
Ain't that beautiful?

Yes. Well, um,
I'm gonna have to
be running along.

Why, of course.
You want to see your room.

We are redoing Eb's room
above the barn. It's going
to be a regular love nest.

Love nest?
Mom's a great girl,
ain't she?

She sure is.

Come on, darling.
I'll take you there.

Oh, well--
Well, uh, Cynthia can't stay.

She's gotta go home.
Her mother's very strict.
What?

Well, she hasn't
seen her mother
in a long while, and--

Well, you run along, Cyn,
and I'll see you tomorrow.

Aren't you going with her?
Why?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Cyn.
See you folks later!

Aren't they
a darling couple?

Well, she's very nice.
But him--

Remember when
we first came back
from our honeymoon?

We acted just like them.

Not exactly.
You didn't go home
to your mother.

No, but you did.

I had to get my laundry done.

Well, I hope
they'll be just as happy
as we have been.

I hope they'll do
better than that.

[ Crowing ]

Good morning, dear.
Good morning, darling.

What are you doing?
I'm making out the list
for the newlyweds' party.

I already got Mr. Drucker,
Mr. and Mrs. Miller,

Mr. and Mrs. Ziffel,
and Arnold.

You're going to invite Arnold?

Well, the Ziffels
always have so much trouble
in getting a pig-sitter.

- Ah.
- Who else do you think
I ought to invite?

- Why don't you ask
the newlyweds?
- Somebody got married?

- Oh, we were just talking
about you.
- Oh, me?

I just can't get used to
living in a connubial state.

Is there anybody you'd like
to invite for the party tonight?

- Party? What party?
- For you and Cynthia.

- Oh, you don't have
to give us a party.
- Oh, but we want to.

It's not necessary.

Eb, it's all arranged.

Gosh, I'd better check
with Cynthia and see if
she's got any other plans.

Plans?
Sometimes she babysits
on Saturday nights.

Oh, Eb.
But I'll ask her.

But, Cynthia--
I'm sorry. I have a date
with Herbie tonight.

Can't you break it?
Would you like it
if a girl did that to you?

One did. She left me
standin' at the altar...

with a bouquet in one hand
and a bag of rice in the other.

You told me about that.
Did I tell you
I would've cried,

but I couldn't get
at my handkerchief?
Yes!

Eb, I've gone as far
as I'm going to go.

But all you have to do
is show up at the party
for an hour and look happy.

- And then you can take off.
- What about Herbie? I can't
ask him to wait around.

Well, bring him along.
We can pass him off
as your brother.

No!
Your uncle?

I am not getting
any more involved.

All right, if that's
the way you want it.

But remember this,
Cynthia Appleby,

this is the last time
I ever marry you.

[ Door Slams Shut ]

Uh, put that yellow one
over here.

Watch the ladder,
will you?
Oh.

I don't know why
we're going to
all this fuss anyway.

What are you doin'?
Well, what does it
look like I'm doin'?

It looks like you're hanging up
Japanese lanterns. But that
couldn't be right, could it?

Well, it's for
your party tonight.

- You'd better call that off.
- Why?

Hey, will you watch
the ladder!

What do you mean,
call it off?

Me and Cynthia had a fight.

Oh. Well, that's all right.
All married people fight.
You'll make up.

No, we won't.
We're through.

Oh, come on, Eb.
It can't be that bad.

It is.
She didn't wanna
come to the party.

- Why not?
- Because she had a date
with Herbie.

Well, who is Herbie?

He's the fellow
she's going steady with.

Now, Eb, I wouldn't let her--

Lisa, please.
Eb, ever since you got back,

I've had the strange feeling
that there's something going on
between you and Cynthia.

Now, what is it?

Well-- Could I have
a glass of water?
What is it?

Well, the truth is that
I've been livin' a lie.

And that's the truth.
What's the truth?

That I've been livin'
a lie.
Eb!

Well, Cynthia and I
aren't really married.

She was just helpin' me out
to cover up for the fact
that I was jilted.

Jilted?
Yes.

I was supposed to elope
with Gloria Fenton,

but she left me
waitin' at the altar.

Why?
It was a school night.
Her father wouldn't let her out.

Holy--

What about
all those postcards?
Oh, they were true.

- I went on the honeymoon.
- With whom?

- Myself.
- Why did you do that?

Well, I had
all those hotel reservations,
and I didn't wanna cancel 'em...

because I was scared
I'd get in trouble
with the travel bureau.

Oh, you poor boy.

You went all alone
on your honeymoon?

I didn't mind.
I guess I'm really a loner.

- Am I forgiven?
- Of course.

- How about you, Dad?
- Stop calling--

Yes, you're forgiven.

Now, go on.
Get up there and
take down those lanterns.

I can't right now.
I'm gonna call up Wilma...

and see if she can
go to the movies
with me tonight.

- Who is Wilma?
- She's Herbie's mother.

- Mother?
- Yeah.

I figure the next time I elope,
it ought to be with a girl
who can go out on school nights.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.