Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 14 - Alf and Ralph Break Up - full transcript
Alf and Ralph announce that they are finally going to finish the Douglas' bedroom, but the project stalls when the "brothers" have a fight. Lisa hires Ralph as their maid and Oliver can't bring himself to fire her when he discovers she's a good cook.
[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪
♪ Is the place to be ♪
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪
[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪
♪ The chores ♪
♪ The stores ♪
- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪
- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪
[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪
[ Horn Honks ]
Afternoon, Mr. Douglas.
How are you, Mr. Haney?
Where do you want me
to dump this stuff?
Well, you-you--
Wait. I didn't order that.
Correct. It was ordered
by the Monroe brothers.
Oh? Well, uh,
just a minute.
Alf?
Yes?
Alf, what did you order--
I am Ralph.
All right, you're Ralph.
I just want you to know
which is which.
I am Ralph,
the sister of Alf.
It doesn't make any difference.
Well, it does to me.
His overalls don't fit me.
All right!
What's going on?
Oh, he got us mixed up
again. He called me Alf.
Oh, I'm Alf,
brother of Ralph.
It's easy to tell us apart.
You see--
I know how to tell you apart.
- Well, then why
did you call me Alf?
- Look, what's all this--
- Do you know who we are now?
- Yes, I think so.
- Who are we, baby?
- You are two of the most--
Wait! Mr. Haney!
What are you unloading
that stuff for?
Well, like I said,
they ordered it.
What for?
Do you wanna
tell him, Sam?
No, you tell
him, Irving.
Mr. Haney, put that stuff
back on the truck.
- Well, they ordered it.
- You know why we ordered it?
I really don't care.
I've lost interest.
You'll be interested
when we tell you.
Tomorrow we are going
to finish your bedroom.
What?
Doesn't that warm the cockles
of your black little heart?
Oh, yes.
You are two of the nicest little
cockle warmers I've ever met.
You're sweet.
Are you really serious
about finishing the bedroom?
We'll be here first thing
tomorrow morning,
tacking up the chicken wire
and nailing up the laths.
And by noon,
you'll be plastered.
[ Laughing ]
Hey, that's
pretty good, Brenda.
Thank you, Cobina.
Oh, boy.
Do you hear that?
They're finally going
to finish the bedroom.
I can hardly believe it.
Here's your bill.
I can't believe that either.
Seven hundred dollars?
Is that all it is?
My bookkeeper
must have made a mistake.
- She certainly did.
- It's a he.
Well, whatever it is,
it's ridiculous.
Seven hundred dollars
for that!
It does seem cheap,
doesn't it?
Well, all there is is some
chicken wire and some plaster
and some tar paper.
It can't cost
more than... $40.
Then why did you get
a bill for 700?
Yeah, that's
what I'd like to know.
I'll be glad to ask
my bookkeeper...
as soon as she gets back
from her vacation in Acapulco.
I thought it was a he.
So did I till I had
the lights put in the office.
Uh-huh. Well, Mr. Haney,
if you want to get paid,
you give me
an itemized bill.
There you are.
What the--
Something wrong?
This one's for $900!
That's right. Seven hundred
unitemized, 900 itemized.
Itemizing runs high
these days.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll give you
$40 for the material.
What about
the trucking charge?
How much do you think
that's worth?
$660.
I'll pay you $10
for the trucking.
Fifty dollars all together.
- Mr. Douglas, I can't--
- Do you want the 50?
Well, I guess
I'll have to take it.
I'm a little short of cash.
I owe the fella
at the lumberyard $12
for this stuff.
Oliver, why do we
have to do this tonight?
Because Alf and Ralph promised
to be here first thing
in the morning.
I don't want to give them
any excuse for not starting.
Here.
Where should I put these?
On the couch.
Where would I find that?
In the living room.
Well, what are you
going to carry?
Clothes.
Do you want me
to wait here for you
or meet you in the living room?
Meet me.
Any special time?
Lisa, take those
into the living room...
and then come back
and get some more.
I never saw so many
dresses in my life.
How many have you got?
There is no sense
in counting them.
They're all out of style.
What's wrong with them?
Well, all women wear
their dresses shorter this year.
Well, did it ever occur to you
that they might be wearing
their legs longer?
Well, whatever it is,
they're out of style,
and I will have to buy
a whole new wardrobe.
Couldn't you just have
the bottoms cut off?
And then what am I going to do
next year when they get longer?
Do I paste the bottoms
back on?
Lisa, come on.
We gotta get the rest
of the dresses.
Just think--
By tomorrow night at this time,
the bedroom will be finished.
Then what?
Oh, then we'll work
on the living room.
Then what?
The kitchen.
Then what?
Will you stop
saying "then what."
How about "what then"?
Is that better.
Yes, much better.
I don't see why, because
"what then" means the same
as "then what" but backwards.
Well, somehow backwards
fits you better.
- [ Knocking ]
- Mr. Douglas!
[ Knocking Continues ]
Oliver, wake up.
Mr. Douglas!
[ Muttering ]
The Monroe brothers
are here.
Oh, fine, fine.
I didn't think--
Mr. Douglas!
3:00!
Well, you said they
were going to get
an early start.
Yeah, but I didn't think they'd
come in the middle of the night.
Wake up!
Wake up, Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas, wake up!
Take it easy.
I'm coming.
- Ooh! Watch where you're going!
- Close the door.
It's 3:00!
What are you
doing here so early?
I ran away from home.
What?
I need asylum.
There's one in Pixley.
I'll give you a reference
if you need one.
What's the matter, Ralph?
[ Sobbing ]
Oh, Mrs. Douglas!
There, there.
Good night.
Where are you going?
I'm going to bed.
It's 3:00.
- What about Ralph?
- Oh, good night, Ralph.
[ Sobbing Continues ]
Now you did it!
Ralph, will you stop blubbering.
What's wrong?
Alf. We had a big fight,
and he threw me out of the house
and told me never to come home.
Well, good night.
[ Shrieks ]
How can you be so cruel?
Why did you come here?
I couldn't think
of any other place to go.
Oh? Well, I'll give you
some addresses.
You did the right thing
to come here.
- Why was she right?
- Because we are her friends.
And what are friends for
except to come to...
when your brother throws you out
at 3:00 in the morning?
Oh, please,
can't I stay here?
Of course you can.
- Now, wait a--
- What was the fight about?
Alf accused me
of letting his saw
get rusty.
Is that all
you were fighting about?
That was just
the beginning.
He made remarks
about how homely I am...
and how I cheat
at Indian wrestling.
But when he said
that he'd look better
in a miniskirt than I do,
I belted him one!
You mean, you
hit him with--
His eye.
You should see it.
It's a beaut.
Oh, boy.
You did the right thing.
Any brother who wants to wear
a miniskirt isn't worth having.
Look, why don't you go home
and make up. I'm sure--
I'm never going home again!
I brought my nightie.
Good. Good.
All right. Eb's away.
You can have his room
over the barn.
Oh, I'd be scared
to sleep in the barn.
Then you can sleep with me.
And where am I
supposed to sleep?
- You can sleep in the barn.
- Nothing doing.
So you're scared
to sleep out there too.
Well, you can sleep
on the couch.
Oh, thanks.
Would you
clear it off, please.
No! You can--
[ Loud Snoring ]
Ralph! Ralph!
Stop snoring!
[ Snoring Continues ]
What the--
You touch me,
and I'll let you have it!
Shh!
I never thought
you were the type.
Your wife sleeping
in the other room--
No, no, no, no.
I was just trying
to wake you up.
You were snoring.
Oh. Oh, well, all you had to do
was turn me over on my stomach
and pat my back.
Turn yourself over
on your stomach and pat
your own back. Good night.
[ Loud Snoring ]
[ Glass Rattling ]
Oh, for--
[ Door Crashes ]
Morning, Mr. Douglas.
I'm ready to go to work.
Good. Good.
It may take me a few days
longer than I planned.
I'm no longer
the Monroe Brothers.
I'm just plain Alf Monroe,
solo carpenter.
- Yes, I--
- Me and Ralph had a fight.
But I don't need her.
I was always the brains
of the outfit anyway.
If you were the brains,
that explains how we get stuck
with these crummy jobs.
What are you doing here
in your bathrobe?
- I spent the night here.
- Well, how brazen can you get?
Oh, now,
look here. She--
Mom was right. You've got
the instincts of a hippie.
- Do you want another shiner?
- That's it. Resort to violence.
What's all the yelling about?
Do you know what's been going on
between my brother
and your husband?
What?
Nothing.
Ralph, will you please
go to the other room?
Gladly.
- Alf, you start working on--
- Not me. I won't work anyplace
where she's living.
She's not living here.
She just spent the night here.
Well, when you
get rid of her--
Alf, will you--
Well, now you did it.
I didn't do anything.
That's what we get
for taking her in.
She wakes us up at 3:00
in the morning and snores
the rest of the night.
She's got adenoids
like a stevedore.
If you were my houseguest,
I wouldn't knock your adenoids.
You are not
our houseguest.
Well, then, what is she?
Let's not go into that.
Uh, Ralph, if you want
to stay here, you're gonna
have to work on the bedroom.
Not me. I wouldn't touch
anything he's touched.
Of all the--
What did you
expect her to say?
If you and I split up,
would you do the bedroom?
What's that got to do with--
Look, Lisa, she is not
gonna stay here.
Oliver, you're mean.
I am not.
Now, if you want here
to stay here, you talk her
into going to work, okay?
Okay. What do you
think you're doing?
I'm gonna get dressed.
Not in front of me.
I am a married woman.
Good morning, Mr. Drucker.
Morning, Mr. Douglas.
I'll be right with you
as soon as I'm finished
filling this order for Arnold.
- Arnold?
- [ Squealing ]
Arnold's doing the shopping
for Fred while Doris is away.
Now, let's see. We got beans,
spaghetti, loaf of bread.
That's all Fred
has on his list.
- [ Grunting ]
- Oh, I didn't even see that.
Box of pig biscuits.
Uh, they're right over there
on the bottom shelf.
- Pig biscuits?
- They're really dog biscuits,
but he don't know
the difference.
Any one you want, Arnold.
Would you give this
to Arnold?
[ Sam ]
Now, go right on home.
Don't stop to play baseball
with any of the other kids.
You know, Fred
don't even miss Doris.
It's amazing how that pig
has taken her place.
Yes. Yes. Well, I--
Say, guess who
I just talked to?
Who?
No, that wasn't his name.
Let's see. It was, uh--
Oh, for the love of Mike.
I had it right
on the tip of my tongue.
Got a mirror?
Maybe I could read it.
Mr. Kimball--
- Well, whoever it was,
guess what happened.
- Forget it.
A man has a fight
with his brother, and
you want me to forget it?
Are you talking
about Alf and Ralph?
No, I was talking
about Carl and Milton.
- Carl and Milton?
- Two of the best plumbers
in the county.
Well, not the best
but the cheapest.
I didn't know anything
about Alf and Ralph.
- What did they
have a fight about?
- Oh, I don't know.
Some silly thing about Ralph
letting Alf's saw
get all rusty.
Do you know what Milton
did to Carl?
She soldered his finger
into a U-joint.
Yeah, there's a lot of unrest
in the labor ranks today.
How bad a fight
did they have?
Well, when Carl couldn't
get his finger--
I'm talking to Mr. Douglas.
- Who?
- Uh, what I came in for
was to ask you...
if you knew anybody who
might plaster my bedroom.
Say, I know a great
team of plasterers.
Charlie and Lou.
Well, they're
not a team anymore,
ever since Charlie
plastered Lou into the wall.
I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.
I don't know anybody.
Couldn't you get either Alf
or Ralph to do it by themselves?
Oh, no, no. Ralph won't
do it alone, and Alf--
I got an idea.
Why don't you team up
Alf or Ralph with
either Carl or Milton?
No, Milton's gonna
team up with Charlie,
and Carl's gonna
team up with Lou.
Or was Lou gonna
team up with Milton?
No, it couldn't have been
Lou because he's still
plastered in the wall.
That leaves Carl.
Well, if Alf or Ralph
wouldn't mind working...
with a fellow who's
got his finger soldered
in a U-joint.
Look, don't strain
your little, uh--
Whatever it is
you have up there.
I'll work it out.
Good-bye.
Sam, you don't know
what a warm feeling
it gives me...
to know that I've
helped somebody out.
Bonjour, monsieur.
What are you
dressed up for?
I'm the maid.
The maid? Lisa!
Lisa?
Don't you want
to give me your hat?
Lisa!
What's the matter?
Would you mind
explaining this to me?
Well, you said she had to work
if she was going to stay here,
and she didn't want
to be a carpenter,
so I made her a maid.
We don't need--
That's Yvette's
old uniform.
Yvette?
Remember the French maid
we used to have in New York?
The one you used to chase
around the penthouse.
I never chased her
around the penthouse.
What did you
chase her around?
Would you mind
taking that thing off?
You look ridiculous!
Let me handle this.
Why don't you go
and find something to do.
Yes, go dust the bedroom.
Where do I find
the dust?
Out!
No wonder
we can't keep a maid--
the way you holler.
She is not a maid.
Why don't you
chase her around and see?
Lisa, the girl
is not a maid. She's a--
Well, whatever she is,
let her be it
somewhere else.
You said to put her to work,
and that's what I did.
I meant let her
plaster the bedroom.
She doesn't want to do that.
It reminds her of Alf.
Why doesn't she make up
with him? Apologize?
Why should she apologize?
She's the one who hit him.
- Well, suppose he apologized?
- He wouldn't do that.
He might. I'll be back
in time for dinner.
Me apologize to her?
Why not?
She should apologize to me.
I'm the one that got
the black eye.
- She's sorry about that.
- Did she say so?
Well, no,
but she looked sorry.
Well, she always looks sorry.
She's the sorriest-looking--
Alf, she's your sister.
She's family.
And the family that sticks
together is the family that's
stuck together. I mean--
I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.
You're just wasting your time.
I'm not going to apologize.
Look, suppose she came over
and apologized to you?
- Oh, she wouldn't.
- She might.
Let me see
what I can do.
I don't know why
she should go over there
and apologize to him.
I don't care who
apologizes to who,
as long as they get together
and finish the bedroom.
Well, she's
not going to do it.
She's going to do it,
or out she goes.
Is that what you're
going to tell her?
That's what
I'm gonna tell her.
Now where is she?
In the kitchen.
Ralph?
Didn't anybody ever tell you
to knock before you come
into a room?
This is my house.
I don't have to knock.
Why don't you
show a little class?
Yes, why don't you?
Lisa, will you
stay out of this.
- Don't yell at the madam.
- Look, Ralph, I--
- Ralph, I want to talk to you.
- What about?
[ Sniffs ]
What's that?
[ Sniffs ]
Bay rum. It keeps me dainty.
No, no, not that.
Something's cooking.
Oh, what I'm making
for supper.
Roast duck.
[ Oliver ]
Roast duck?
What did you
want to tell me?
- Well--
- Yes, tell her.
Well, uh, uh--
Why don't we talk
about it after dinner?
Roast duck!
Want some more
candied yams?
Oh, no. No, thanks.
I'm full.
You sure can
pack it away.
Well, it's the first
decent meal I've had in--
Uh, first decent
duck meal I've had.
You finished?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What did you want
to talk about?
Talk about?
Yes. Remember,
you said after dinner.
Oh, yes, after dinner.
Well, I wanted
to talk to you about--
What are you gonna make
for dinner tomorrow night?
That's not what you wanted
to say to her. You wanted
to say to her that she--
Lisa, please. I know what
I was gonna say to her.
- Have you got
any ideas for a menu?
- Well, what would you like?
- He would like you to go
over and apologize--
- Lisa, stay out of this!
You yell at the madam once more,
and you don't get anything.
Oh, uh, I apologize.
- I thought that's what
you wanted her to do--
- Lisa!
Ralph, honey,
do you know how to make
lobster Newburg?
You get the lobster;
I'll Newburg it.
Oh, boy!
How about pot roast?
One of my specialties.
Do you like rack of lamb?
How about some roast beef?
Anytime.
Oh--
[ Knocking ]
Hey, where are you going?
To answer the door.
Oh, no, no, no.
You stay here.
You keep cooking.
The madam will answer it.
Oliver!
I'll answer it.
[ Singsongy ]
Oh, it's a lobster Newburg,
rack of lamb.
Pot roast and gravy,
sugar-cured ham.
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
Evening, Mr. Douglas.
Well, Alf, how are you?
Ralph here? You'll be happy
to know I've come over
to apologize to her.
Oh, that's very ni--
No, no, it isn't. Here.
What's the idea?
Did you say you wanted
to apologize?
Yeah.
Where did you get
a stupid idea like that?
From you. Didn't you
tell me to apologize?
Well, yes, but that
was before Ralph said
those things about you.
- What things?
- Oh, I don't wanna repeat them.
My wife gets angry when
I use that kind of language.
Ralph doesn't know
what those words mean.
- She used them all correctly.
- Well, can I talk to her?
Not right now.
She's busy pouring syrup
in your tool chest.
Why don't you come back
in about six months.
Maybe you can patch
things up then.
I wanna talk to her.
Oh, that's the worst
thing you could do.
The worst thing I could do
is stay mad at her.
You don't know what it's
like to do your own cooking.
- Oh, does Ralph cook?
- Like a French chef.
Darling, would you like
to have some-- Oh, hello, Alf.
- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.
- Won't you come in.
- Oh, no, he hasn't got time.
- Yes, I have!
Where's Ralph?
Wait a second.
She's in the kitchen.
The bedroom. Why don't you go
in there and start plastering.
She isn't in the bedroom.
She's in the kitchen.
He doesn't want to see her.
No, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do.
Ralph!
Yes, madam? What-- Alf.
- Who-Who are you?
- I'm your brother.
Alf, what are you
doing here?
I came over to--
No, he didn't.
Yes, I did.
Ralph, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Do you hear that?
He's sorry he apologized.
Huh?
Now, you get out of here,
and don't you bother
your sister anymore.
- Alf, are you really sorry?
- Yes, I am.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes, I am.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Come on home, Ralph.
Mom will be happy to see you.
Well, you'll come back
tomorrow, won't you,
and finish the bedroom?
No.
Why not?
Every time
we work on that bedroom,
it's bad luck.
Oh, for the love of--
The best cook we ever had.
Do you realize she was gonna
make me lobster Newburg,
rack of lamb,
pot roast.
If food means that much
to you, maybe you better
find somebody else.
What?
Well, when you married me,
you knew I couldn't cook,
I couldn't sew
and I couldn't keep house.
All I could do
was talk Hungarian...
and do imitations
of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Who?
So if you've changed your
mind, I don't blame you.
I'll be packed
and out of here
by tomorrow morning.
I'll go back to New York
and get a job.
Doing what?
Well, I still have my card in
the Budapest Plasterers Union.
You mean you know
how to plaster?
You bet your
sweet trowel I do.
Would you care
to step into the bedroom?
I beg your pardon?
We'll do a little plastering.
[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.
♪ Green Acres ♪
♪ Is the place to be ♪
♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪
[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪
♪ The chores ♪
♪ The stores ♪
- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪
- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪
[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪
[ Horn Honks ]
Afternoon, Mr. Douglas.
How are you, Mr. Haney?
Where do you want me
to dump this stuff?
Well, you-you--
Wait. I didn't order that.
Correct. It was ordered
by the Monroe brothers.
Oh? Well, uh,
just a minute.
Alf?
Yes?
Alf, what did you order--
I am Ralph.
All right, you're Ralph.
I just want you to know
which is which.
I am Ralph,
the sister of Alf.
It doesn't make any difference.
Well, it does to me.
His overalls don't fit me.
All right!
What's going on?
Oh, he got us mixed up
again. He called me Alf.
Oh, I'm Alf,
brother of Ralph.
It's easy to tell us apart.
You see--
I know how to tell you apart.
- Well, then why
did you call me Alf?
- Look, what's all this--
- Do you know who we are now?
- Yes, I think so.
- Who are we, baby?
- You are two of the most--
Wait! Mr. Haney!
What are you unloading
that stuff for?
Well, like I said,
they ordered it.
What for?
Do you wanna
tell him, Sam?
No, you tell
him, Irving.
Mr. Haney, put that stuff
back on the truck.
- Well, they ordered it.
- You know why we ordered it?
I really don't care.
I've lost interest.
You'll be interested
when we tell you.
Tomorrow we are going
to finish your bedroom.
What?
Doesn't that warm the cockles
of your black little heart?
Oh, yes.
You are two of the nicest little
cockle warmers I've ever met.
You're sweet.
Are you really serious
about finishing the bedroom?
We'll be here first thing
tomorrow morning,
tacking up the chicken wire
and nailing up the laths.
And by noon,
you'll be plastered.
[ Laughing ]
Hey, that's
pretty good, Brenda.
Thank you, Cobina.
Oh, boy.
Do you hear that?
They're finally going
to finish the bedroom.
I can hardly believe it.
Here's your bill.
I can't believe that either.
Seven hundred dollars?
Is that all it is?
My bookkeeper
must have made a mistake.
- She certainly did.
- It's a he.
Well, whatever it is,
it's ridiculous.
Seven hundred dollars
for that!
It does seem cheap,
doesn't it?
Well, all there is is some
chicken wire and some plaster
and some tar paper.
It can't cost
more than... $40.
Then why did you get
a bill for 700?
Yeah, that's
what I'd like to know.
I'll be glad to ask
my bookkeeper...
as soon as she gets back
from her vacation in Acapulco.
I thought it was a he.
So did I till I had
the lights put in the office.
Uh-huh. Well, Mr. Haney,
if you want to get paid,
you give me
an itemized bill.
There you are.
What the--
Something wrong?
This one's for $900!
That's right. Seven hundred
unitemized, 900 itemized.
Itemizing runs high
these days.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll give you
$40 for the material.
What about
the trucking charge?
How much do you think
that's worth?
$660.
I'll pay you $10
for the trucking.
Fifty dollars all together.
- Mr. Douglas, I can't--
- Do you want the 50?
Well, I guess
I'll have to take it.
I'm a little short of cash.
I owe the fella
at the lumberyard $12
for this stuff.
Oliver, why do we
have to do this tonight?
Because Alf and Ralph promised
to be here first thing
in the morning.
I don't want to give them
any excuse for not starting.
Here.
Where should I put these?
On the couch.
Where would I find that?
In the living room.
Well, what are you
going to carry?
Clothes.
Do you want me
to wait here for you
or meet you in the living room?
Meet me.
Any special time?
Lisa, take those
into the living room...
and then come back
and get some more.
I never saw so many
dresses in my life.
How many have you got?
There is no sense
in counting them.
They're all out of style.
What's wrong with them?
Well, all women wear
their dresses shorter this year.
Well, did it ever occur to you
that they might be wearing
their legs longer?
Well, whatever it is,
they're out of style,
and I will have to buy
a whole new wardrobe.
Couldn't you just have
the bottoms cut off?
And then what am I going to do
next year when they get longer?
Do I paste the bottoms
back on?
Lisa, come on.
We gotta get the rest
of the dresses.
Just think--
By tomorrow night at this time,
the bedroom will be finished.
Then what?
Oh, then we'll work
on the living room.
Then what?
The kitchen.
Then what?
Will you stop
saying "then what."
How about "what then"?
Is that better.
Yes, much better.
I don't see why, because
"what then" means the same
as "then what" but backwards.
Well, somehow backwards
fits you better.
- [ Knocking ]
- Mr. Douglas!
[ Knocking Continues ]
Oliver, wake up.
Mr. Douglas!
[ Muttering ]
The Monroe brothers
are here.
Oh, fine, fine.
I didn't think--
Mr. Douglas!
3:00!
Well, you said they
were going to get
an early start.
Yeah, but I didn't think they'd
come in the middle of the night.
Wake up!
Wake up, Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas, wake up!
Take it easy.
I'm coming.
- Ooh! Watch where you're going!
- Close the door.
It's 3:00!
What are you
doing here so early?
I ran away from home.
What?
I need asylum.
There's one in Pixley.
I'll give you a reference
if you need one.
What's the matter, Ralph?
[ Sobbing ]
Oh, Mrs. Douglas!
There, there.
Good night.
Where are you going?
I'm going to bed.
It's 3:00.
- What about Ralph?
- Oh, good night, Ralph.
[ Sobbing Continues ]
Now you did it!
Ralph, will you stop blubbering.
What's wrong?
Alf. We had a big fight,
and he threw me out of the house
and told me never to come home.
Well, good night.
[ Shrieks ]
How can you be so cruel?
Why did you come here?
I couldn't think
of any other place to go.
Oh? Well, I'll give you
some addresses.
You did the right thing
to come here.
- Why was she right?
- Because we are her friends.
And what are friends for
except to come to...
when your brother throws you out
at 3:00 in the morning?
Oh, please,
can't I stay here?
Of course you can.
- Now, wait a--
- What was the fight about?
Alf accused me
of letting his saw
get rusty.
Is that all
you were fighting about?
That was just
the beginning.
He made remarks
about how homely I am...
and how I cheat
at Indian wrestling.
But when he said
that he'd look better
in a miniskirt than I do,
I belted him one!
You mean, you
hit him with--
His eye.
You should see it.
It's a beaut.
Oh, boy.
You did the right thing.
Any brother who wants to wear
a miniskirt isn't worth having.
Look, why don't you go home
and make up. I'm sure--
I'm never going home again!
I brought my nightie.
Good. Good.
All right. Eb's away.
You can have his room
over the barn.
Oh, I'd be scared
to sleep in the barn.
Then you can sleep with me.
And where am I
supposed to sleep?
- You can sleep in the barn.
- Nothing doing.
So you're scared
to sleep out there too.
Well, you can sleep
on the couch.
Oh, thanks.
Would you
clear it off, please.
No! You can--
[ Loud Snoring ]
Ralph! Ralph!
Stop snoring!
[ Snoring Continues ]
What the--
You touch me,
and I'll let you have it!
Shh!
I never thought
you were the type.
Your wife sleeping
in the other room--
No, no, no, no.
I was just trying
to wake you up.
You were snoring.
Oh. Oh, well, all you had to do
was turn me over on my stomach
and pat my back.
Turn yourself over
on your stomach and pat
your own back. Good night.
[ Loud Snoring ]
[ Glass Rattling ]
Oh, for--
[ Door Crashes ]
Morning, Mr. Douglas.
I'm ready to go to work.
Good. Good.
It may take me a few days
longer than I planned.
I'm no longer
the Monroe Brothers.
I'm just plain Alf Monroe,
solo carpenter.
- Yes, I--
- Me and Ralph had a fight.
But I don't need her.
I was always the brains
of the outfit anyway.
If you were the brains,
that explains how we get stuck
with these crummy jobs.
What are you doing here
in your bathrobe?
- I spent the night here.
- Well, how brazen can you get?
Oh, now,
look here. She--
Mom was right. You've got
the instincts of a hippie.
- Do you want another shiner?
- That's it. Resort to violence.
What's all the yelling about?
Do you know what's been going on
between my brother
and your husband?
What?
Nothing.
Ralph, will you please
go to the other room?
Gladly.
- Alf, you start working on--
- Not me. I won't work anyplace
where she's living.
She's not living here.
She just spent the night here.
Well, when you
get rid of her--
Alf, will you--
Well, now you did it.
I didn't do anything.
That's what we get
for taking her in.
She wakes us up at 3:00
in the morning and snores
the rest of the night.
She's got adenoids
like a stevedore.
If you were my houseguest,
I wouldn't knock your adenoids.
You are not
our houseguest.
Well, then, what is she?
Let's not go into that.
Uh, Ralph, if you want
to stay here, you're gonna
have to work on the bedroom.
Not me. I wouldn't touch
anything he's touched.
Of all the--
What did you
expect her to say?
If you and I split up,
would you do the bedroom?
What's that got to do with--
Look, Lisa, she is not
gonna stay here.
Oliver, you're mean.
I am not.
Now, if you want here
to stay here, you talk her
into going to work, okay?
Okay. What do you
think you're doing?
I'm gonna get dressed.
Not in front of me.
I am a married woman.
Good morning, Mr. Drucker.
Morning, Mr. Douglas.
I'll be right with you
as soon as I'm finished
filling this order for Arnold.
- Arnold?
- [ Squealing ]
Arnold's doing the shopping
for Fred while Doris is away.
Now, let's see. We got beans,
spaghetti, loaf of bread.
That's all Fred
has on his list.
- [ Grunting ]
- Oh, I didn't even see that.
Box of pig biscuits.
Uh, they're right over there
on the bottom shelf.
- Pig biscuits?
- They're really dog biscuits,
but he don't know
the difference.
Any one you want, Arnold.
Would you give this
to Arnold?
[ Sam ]
Now, go right on home.
Don't stop to play baseball
with any of the other kids.
You know, Fred
don't even miss Doris.
It's amazing how that pig
has taken her place.
Yes. Yes. Well, I--
Say, guess who
I just talked to?
Who?
No, that wasn't his name.
Let's see. It was, uh--
Oh, for the love of Mike.
I had it right
on the tip of my tongue.
Got a mirror?
Maybe I could read it.
Mr. Kimball--
- Well, whoever it was,
guess what happened.
- Forget it.
A man has a fight
with his brother, and
you want me to forget it?
Are you talking
about Alf and Ralph?
No, I was talking
about Carl and Milton.
- Carl and Milton?
- Two of the best plumbers
in the county.
Well, not the best
but the cheapest.
I didn't know anything
about Alf and Ralph.
- What did they
have a fight about?
- Oh, I don't know.
Some silly thing about Ralph
letting Alf's saw
get all rusty.
Do you know what Milton
did to Carl?
She soldered his finger
into a U-joint.
Yeah, there's a lot of unrest
in the labor ranks today.
How bad a fight
did they have?
Well, when Carl couldn't
get his finger--
I'm talking to Mr. Douglas.
- Who?
- Uh, what I came in for
was to ask you...
if you knew anybody who
might plaster my bedroom.
Say, I know a great
team of plasterers.
Charlie and Lou.
Well, they're
not a team anymore,
ever since Charlie
plastered Lou into the wall.
I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.
I don't know anybody.
Couldn't you get either Alf
or Ralph to do it by themselves?
Oh, no, no. Ralph won't
do it alone, and Alf--
I got an idea.
Why don't you team up
Alf or Ralph with
either Carl or Milton?
No, Milton's gonna
team up with Charlie,
and Carl's gonna
team up with Lou.
Or was Lou gonna
team up with Milton?
No, it couldn't have been
Lou because he's still
plastered in the wall.
That leaves Carl.
Well, if Alf or Ralph
wouldn't mind working...
with a fellow who's
got his finger soldered
in a U-joint.
Look, don't strain
your little, uh--
Whatever it is
you have up there.
I'll work it out.
Good-bye.
Sam, you don't know
what a warm feeling
it gives me...
to know that I've
helped somebody out.
Bonjour, monsieur.
What are you
dressed up for?
I'm the maid.
The maid? Lisa!
Lisa?
Don't you want
to give me your hat?
Lisa!
What's the matter?
Would you mind
explaining this to me?
Well, you said she had to work
if she was going to stay here,
and she didn't want
to be a carpenter,
so I made her a maid.
We don't need--
That's Yvette's
old uniform.
Yvette?
Remember the French maid
we used to have in New York?
The one you used to chase
around the penthouse.
I never chased her
around the penthouse.
What did you
chase her around?
Would you mind
taking that thing off?
You look ridiculous!
Let me handle this.
Why don't you go
and find something to do.
Yes, go dust the bedroom.
Where do I find
the dust?
Out!
No wonder
we can't keep a maid--
the way you holler.
She is not a maid.
Why don't you
chase her around and see?
Lisa, the girl
is not a maid. She's a--
Well, whatever she is,
let her be it
somewhere else.
You said to put her to work,
and that's what I did.
I meant let her
plaster the bedroom.
She doesn't want to do that.
It reminds her of Alf.
Why doesn't she make up
with him? Apologize?
Why should she apologize?
She's the one who hit him.
- Well, suppose he apologized?
- He wouldn't do that.
He might. I'll be back
in time for dinner.
Me apologize to her?
Why not?
She should apologize to me.
I'm the one that got
the black eye.
- She's sorry about that.
- Did she say so?
Well, no,
but she looked sorry.
Well, she always looks sorry.
She's the sorriest-looking--
Alf, she's your sister.
She's family.
And the family that sticks
together is the family that's
stuck together. I mean--
I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.
You're just wasting your time.
I'm not going to apologize.
Look, suppose she came over
and apologized to you?
- Oh, she wouldn't.
- She might.
Let me see
what I can do.
I don't know why
she should go over there
and apologize to him.
I don't care who
apologizes to who,
as long as they get together
and finish the bedroom.
Well, she's
not going to do it.
She's going to do it,
or out she goes.
Is that what you're
going to tell her?
That's what
I'm gonna tell her.
Now where is she?
In the kitchen.
Ralph?
Didn't anybody ever tell you
to knock before you come
into a room?
This is my house.
I don't have to knock.
Why don't you
show a little class?
Yes, why don't you?
Lisa, will you
stay out of this.
- Don't yell at the madam.
- Look, Ralph, I--
- Ralph, I want to talk to you.
- What about?
[ Sniffs ]
What's that?
[ Sniffs ]
Bay rum. It keeps me dainty.
No, no, not that.
Something's cooking.
Oh, what I'm making
for supper.
Roast duck.
[ Oliver ]
Roast duck?
What did you
want to tell me?
- Well--
- Yes, tell her.
Well, uh, uh--
Why don't we talk
about it after dinner?
Roast duck!
Want some more
candied yams?
Oh, no. No, thanks.
I'm full.
You sure can
pack it away.
Well, it's the first
decent meal I've had in--
Uh, first decent
duck meal I've had.
You finished?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What did you want
to talk about?
Talk about?
Yes. Remember,
you said after dinner.
Oh, yes, after dinner.
Well, I wanted
to talk to you about--
What are you gonna make
for dinner tomorrow night?
That's not what you wanted
to say to her. You wanted
to say to her that she--
Lisa, please. I know what
I was gonna say to her.
- Have you got
any ideas for a menu?
- Well, what would you like?
- He would like you to go
over and apologize--
- Lisa, stay out of this!
You yell at the madam once more,
and you don't get anything.
Oh, uh, I apologize.
- I thought that's what
you wanted her to do--
- Lisa!
Ralph, honey,
do you know how to make
lobster Newburg?
You get the lobster;
I'll Newburg it.
Oh, boy!
How about pot roast?
One of my specialties.
Do you like rack of lamb?
How about some roast beef?
Anytime.
Oh--
[ Knocking ]
Hey, where are you going?
To answer the door.
Oh, no, no, no.
You stay here.
You keep cooking.
The madam will answer it.
Oliver!
I'll answer it.
[ Singsongy ]
Oh, it's a lobster Newburg,
rack of lamb.
Pot roast and gravy,
sugar-cured ham.
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
Evening, Mr. Douglas.
Well, Alf, how are you?
Ralph here? You'll be happy
to know I've come over
to apologize to her.
Oh, that's very ni--
No, no, it isn't. Here.
What's the idea?
Did you say you wanted
to apologize?
Yeah.
Where did you get
a stupid idea like that?
From you. Didn't you
tell me to apologize?
Well, yes, but that
was before Ralph said
those things about you.
- What things?
- Oh, I don't wanna repeat them.
My wife gets angry when
I use that kind of language.
Ralph doesn't know
what those words mean.
- She used them all correctly.
- Well, can I talk to her?
Not right now.
She's busy pouring syrup
in your tool chest.
Why don't you come back
in about six months.
Maybe you can patch
things up then.
I wanna talk to her.
Oh, that's the worst
thing you could do.
The worst thing I could do
is stay mad at her.
You don't know what it's
like to do your own cooking.
- Oh, does Ralph cook?
- Like a French chef.
Darling, would you like
to have some-- Oh, hello, Alf.
- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.
- Won't you come in.
- Oh, no, he hasn't got time.
- Yes, I have!
Where's Ralph?
Wait a second.
She's in the kitchen.
The bedroom. Why don't you go
in there and start plastering.
She isn't in the bedroom.
She's in the kitchen.
He doesn't want to see her.
No, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do.
Ralph!
Yes, madam? What-- Alf.
- Who-Who are you?
- I'm your brother.
Alf, what are you
doing here?
I came over to--
No, he didn't.
Yes, I did.
Ralph, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Do you hear that?
He's sorry he apologized.
Huh?
Now, you get out of here,
and don't you bother
your sister anymore.
- Alf, are you really sorry?
- Yes, I am.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes, I am.
Oh, Alf.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Come on home, Ralph.
Mom will be happy to see you.
Well, you'll come back
tomorrow, won't you,
and finish the bedroom?
No.
Why not?
Every time
we work on that bedroom,
it's bad luck.
Oh, for the love of--
The best cook we ever had.
Do you realize she was gonna
make me lobster Newburg,
rack of lamb,
pot roast.
If food means that much
to you, maybe you better
find somebody else.
What?
Well, when you married me,
you knew I couldn't cook,
I couldn't sew
and I couldn't keep house.
All I could do
was talk Hungarian...
and do imitations
of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Who?
So if you've changed your
mind, I don't blame you.
I'll be packed
and out of here
by tomorrow morning.
I'll go back to New York
and get a job.
Doing what?
Well, I still have my card in
the Budapest Plasterers Union.
You mean you know
how to plaster?
You bet your
sweet trowel I do.
Would you care
to step into the bedroom?
I beg your pardon?
We'll do a little plastering.
[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.