Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 13 - Haney's New Image - full transcript

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting Continues ]

Hello there.

You ought to use
a different complexion cream.

Your skin is very oily.

Get me something
to wipe this off with.

Here.
What happened?

I was trying
to tighten the bolt
and it broke off, and--

This is my sweater!

It was the only thing
that was handy.

Couldn't you have found
something else?



Well, I could have
used my petticoat,
but I'm not wearing any.

You see, this dress
doesn't need one.

I'm not interested
in your dress.

Well, you should be.
It cost you $300.
Three hundred?

It would have cost you more
with a petticoat,
but I don't--

This is the last straw.

I'm gonna take this stupid
tractor back to Haney
and get my money back.

You ought to get your money back
for some of the other things
he sold you.

I intend to.

[ Cranking ]

[ Whistling ]

Take cover!

[ Whistling Continues ]

[ Explosion ]
Ooh!

What the--

It's okay, Lisa.
Nothing happened.

[ Ratcheting ]

Oh, that miserable Haney!

And the wheels fell off.
The radiator came apart
and the engine fell out,

and whatever was left
collapsed.

Outside of that,
Mr. Douglas,
how is the tractor running?

It's not running.
Did you check to see
if there's any gas in it?

Mr. Haney, you don't seem
to understand.

The tractor is ruined.
It's nothing but a pile
of nuts and bolts.

And you'd like to buy
a repair kit.

Well, I've got a fine
three-dollar repair kit.

I don't want a repair kit.
I want my money back.

I can't give you
your money back...

'less you have
a legitimate complaint.

I told you my complaint.

It has to be in writing.
In writing?

Now, what we need
is complaint form
number G-654321.

[ Blows ]

[ Choking ]
I just want my money back.
I don't want to fill out a form.

Mr. Douglas, are you familiar
with the state retail code,
section 12, paragraph 4?

No, I'm not.

Be glad to sell you
a copy of the code
for six dollars.

Mr. Haney--
It has to be filled out
in six-triplicate.

That's double triplicate.

That's, uh,
one copy for you,

one copy for me,

one copy for the state,

one copy for the county,

one copy for
the Fair Trade Commission...

and the last copy to see
if the carbon will make
that many copies.

- Look, I--
- Now then, Mr. Douglas,

what seems to be
your trouble?

The tractor you sold me--
I want my money back.

- Would you be satisfied
if I replaced it?
- Yes.

In that case,
we're using
the wrong form.

What we need...

is replacement form
number G-271532.

Oh, for--

Now, your name, please?

Mr. Haney--
"Haney."

First name?

I've had about enough.

"I've had about enough."

Middle initial?

Just when did the tractor
break down?

- This morning.
- Oh, well.

We gonna need
daylight form
number 654 G-27.

And it looks like
we're in trouble,

because we're all out
of daylight forms.

Mr. Haney,

obviously I'm not going to get
any satisfaction from you.

I'm going to have to sue.

I don't believe
you can sue a man...

just because he's
out of daylight forms.

There must be something
on the books...

that'll take care
of a charlatan like you.

Well, that's gratitude for you--

forgetting
that I was the one...

that sold him
that beautiful farm
at such a low price.

What are you going
to sue him for?

There's nothing
I can sue him for.

- What about the tractor?
- It's too late.

How can I make a case out of it
after I've used the tractor
for two years?

What about the farm,
and this house he sold us?

If you can't make a case
out of that,

you better turn in
the sharkskin you got
at the law school.

It's a sheepskin.

Weren't your marks good enough
to get a sharkskin?

They don't--
[ Knocking ]

Would you answer that door?

If you had studied harder,
instead of running around
with that little blonde--

That blonde was you.

Oh, you almost
flunked out there too.

[ Knocking ]

- Answer the door.
- Hmm.

Yes?

Is Mr. Haney around?
Around what?

- I mean, is he home?
- I don't know.

- Are you Mrs. Haney?
- No.

- Well, is he here?
- Well, that's
a pretty fresh question.

If I am not Mrs. Haney,
what would he be doing here?

I didn't mean--

Could you tell me
where I could find him?

Yes, I could.
Bye.

[ Knocking ]

Hello there.
Did you find him?

Well, no.
You forgot to tell me
where to look for him.

- Look for who?
- Mr. Haney.

Oh. Well, he lives
about three miles
up the road.

State Division of Highways?
That's right.

Well, what can I do
for you, Mr. Farley?

According to our information,
you're the last owner
of record of that property...

about three miles
down the road--
is that right?

- What you wanna know for?
- Well, as you probably heard,

the state is building
a cross-state highway,

and that particular
piece of property...

might be an ideal spot
for an interchange.

You mean you wanna concrete up
that beautiful piece
of farmland?

Naturally, we'd be willing
to compensate you for it.

- How much did you figure?
- I'm sure we'll be able
to arrive at a fair price.

- Oh, I'm sure we will.
- By the way, I just stopped
by there--

- You didn't say nothing
about the highway, did you?
- No.

Good, 'cause I wouldn't
want to upset...

them two sharecroppers
I'm letting live there.

- Sharecroppers?
- Yeah.

Ain't it a sin,
the way they've let
that place run down?

The woman didn't look
like a sharecropper.

- She had a diamond as big as--
- That's why
they're sharecroppers.

She spent
all her husband's money
on frivolities.

Well, if we do come
to some kind of arrangement,

you realize you'll have
to evict them.

Well, that won't be easy.
They've become pretty
attached to the place.

But since it's
in the interest of progress--

Well, I'll check back with you
in about a week.
Good day.

That'll be fine.

I'm sure that by then
I'll have found a way
to ace them--

Er, to ease them
out of there.

Ah, Mr. Douglas.
[ Laughs ]

Mr. Haney, get off
of my property.
Now, Mr. Douglas.

You've got a nerve,
coming over here.

Well, I come over
about the tractor
that I sold you,

but I see I'm too late--

You've bought a new one.

New one?
This is the mess
you sold me.

It is?
And you're not happy with it?

Obviously not.

Well, some people
are never happy with nothing,

but that's your problem.

My problem is to make amends
for the wrong I've done you.

The wrong you've done me?

Yes, Mr. Douglas,
and they have been many.

- They certainly have.
- You ain't making this
any easier on me.

- Not making what easier?
- My change of heart.

Mr. Douglas, I've finally
seen the light.

While the light's still good,
take a look at this tractor.

Well now, that's exactly
why I'm here.

I'm gonna give you back
your money for it--

- Exactly what you paid me, $25.
- I paid you 35.

Oh, excuse it, please.

After so many years,
it's only natural I'd
fall back into my old ways.

Now if you say I owe you $35,
then that's what I owe you.

Will you take a check?

You realize you can get
into a lot of trouble,
passing bad checks.

Mr. Douglas, this check
is as good as my intentions--

Pure gold.

I just can't believe it.
Why not?

What's wrong in
putting chocolate syrup
on chopped chicken liver?

Why would he suddenly
give me my money back?

Well, maybe it's true
what he said.

I read a book the other night
about this fellow
who saw the light.

What was his name?

Oh, yes, Thomas Edison.

Yes, it's possible--
Thomas Edison?

You know, the man who invented
the "electrisical" company.

Now there are two things
I don't understand--
Mr. Haney and you.

Well, isn't it possible
for a man to change?

Not Haney--

and not just like that,
overnight.

Well, my uncle changed
overnight.

One day he was bald,
and the next day he had hair.

Everybody said
it was a miracle,

and that's what it was--
a miracle toupee.

You can tell me
about it later.

I wanna run into Drucker's
and get this check cashed
before Haney changes his mind.

While you're there,
here are a few things I need.
Oh, fine. Yes.

See you later.

You put chocolate syrup
on chopped chicken liver?

And, uh, two bottles
of chocolate syrup.

Your wife making
chicken livers again,
Mr. Douglas?

Incidentally, I've got
a check from Haney here.

Would you cash it
for me?
Oh, you too?

That's the third check of his
I cashed this morning.
Got one from Newt.

Yeah, Haney sold him
a one-legged chicken,
then bought it back.

- A one-legged--
- Yeah. Poor thing.

Every time it tried
to lay an egg, it fell over.

Haney's been buying back
all the old broken-down things
from everybody.

Wish he'd make me an offer
on Doris.

You mean he's buying back
all that junk he sold everybody?

Yeah. He gave Arnold back
the money for the bicycle
he sold him.

- [ Squeals ]
- Well, you couldn't
ride it nohow.

You need
a three-wheeler.

- [ Snorts ]
- It just ain't like Haney.

No, it isn't.

He must be up to something.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Haney.
Mrs. Douglas.

Well, don't you look
as pert as a peewee
in a peckerwood tree.

Why, you're the second person
who's said that to me
today.

Is my old friend
Mr. Douglas to home?

No, he had to go
in to Mr. Drucker's store,

but why don't you come in
and wait for him?
Thank you.

Would you like
something to eat?

I just made some
chopped chicken liver
with chocolate syrup.

Chopped--

It's hot in here,
ain't it?

Would you like some?
Uh, no thank you, ma'am.

No, I just had a whole
bowlful of them
for lunch.

Would you like to sit down?
Oh, thank you.

Is there any special reason
you want to see Mr. Douglas?

No, no.
Just a social call.

- Speaking of New York--
- We weren't speaking
of New York.

We weren't?
Well, why don't we?

- I'll bet you miss it,
don't you?
- Well, yes, I do.

Many's a time
I've said to myself,

"It's a shame to keep
a beautiful pigeon like you...

cooped up in a dump
like this."

Many a times I said
the same thing to Mr. Douglas.

I'll bet you'd
be willing to move
at the drop of a hat.

Yes, I would,
but Mr. Douglas isn't
much of a hat-dropper.

Don't seem right,
keeping you here...

- just 'cause he's finicky
about his fedora.
- No, it doesn't.

What doesn't?

Keeping me pooped up here
on account of a Finnish
Theodora.

- What?
- Oh, uh, we was just talking
about dreams.

- No, we weren't.
- No, I guess we wasn't,
because I don't dream--

mainly because I ain't been
sleeping too good lately.

Something's bothering me.

Oh, I'm sure it is.

It must be my conscience,

keeping me awake over
something I sold you
besides that tractor.

- Was it a vacuum cleaner?
- No, uh, something bigger.

The stove?
No, no,
bigger than that.

Maybe it was this house.
That's it.

That's what's been
keeping me awake.
Oh, come on.

No, that's what it is.
Mr. Douglas, sell it
back to me.

- What?
- Just sign this bill of sale,

- and let me get
a good night's sleep.
- I don't intend to--

I'll make the check out
for $100 more than you paid me.

- We'll take it.
- Lisa! I'm not selling.

Well, then I'll sell my half.
I've got community
in his property.

Uh, well, half wouldn't
do me no good.

Then I'd only be able to sleep
every other night.

Oh, boy.
Look, we're not selling.

Well, now, don't make
any hasty decisions.

I'll be back in a half hour
for the signed bill of sale.

It won't be signed.

Talk to him, Mrs. Douglas.

New York is calling you.

I'll leave the door open
in case you want
to chase after me.

Of all the--
Oliver, why didn't you
sell it to him?

Because he's up
to something.

Now why would he want
to buy this dump
back from me?

You finally admitted
what it is.

I didn't mean it was a dump.
I mean it was a--

You can't think
of another word.

- Lisa, why would he want
to buy this place?
- Maybe he turned honest.

Whoo!

A man doesn't
suddenly turn honest.

Your father did.
My father never
turned honest.

I mean, he was
always crooked.

A leopard doesn't
change his spats--
spots.

I don't know what spots
he's got on his spats,

but I'd sell it to him.

Well, there must be
some reason he wants it.

For all we know,
there's oil under this place.

Well, congratulations,
Mr. Douglas.
What?

You struck oil, eh?
Oh!

Oh, yeah. A real gusher.
How about that?

- And you're not even a Texan.
- Look, Mr. Kimball--

Oil, eh? Well, I always knew
you bought this place
for a reason.

- I knew you weren't a farmer.
- Now, see here--

I'm glad it turned out
this way,

because if you ever tried
to make a living...

selling those ridiculous crops
you've been growing--

- Mr. Kimball--
- Oil, eh?

Well, hope it doesn't
go to your head--

but if it does,
I know a great shampoo
for oily heads.

I'll bet you do.

Mr. Kimball,
there is no oil here.

Oh, Oliver.
Oh, hello, Mr. Kimball.

Oliver, I can't get the oil
out of your sweater.

Well, send it
to the cleaner.

No oil, eh?

Please, Mr. Kimball,
no matter what you think--

Well, I guess that
now you've discovered no oil,

you won't be selling this place
to the highway commission
after all.

- The highway commission?
- As if you didn't know.

- Know what?
- No oil, eh?

What was that about
the State Highway Commission?

I thought they made you
an offer for the place.

They're talking about putting
the cross-state highway
through here.

Oh!

That's what he was up to.

Who was?

Uh, Mr. Kimball,

you know, if the news got out
about there being oil here,

there might be a stampede,

so I wouldn't mention it
to anybody,

especially Mr. Haney.

Don't worry.

Your secret is my secret.
[ Chuckles ]

What was
your secret again?

Not to mention
that there's oil here
to Mr. Haney.

[ Knocking ]

How are you, Hank?
Oh, fine.

Just fine.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, not fine.

I'm carrying a big secret
around in here.
Oh? What's that?

I'm sorry, but you're
the one Mr. Douglas
told me not to tell.

Well, if he told you
not to tell me,
then I wouldn't want you to.

How would you like
a little glass of hard cider?

Oh, no, thank you.

You know how cider
loosens my tongue.

Well, it doesn't
loosen it.

It just sort of
flaps around and, uh,

well, in no time at all,
I'd be telling you
all about the oil.

Oil?
Oh, you knew about it?

I wonder why Mr. Douglas
didn't want me to tell you
that he has oil on his farm.

He has oil on his farm?

Yes, Haney, looks like
somebody finally put one
over on you.

Doggone.
It just shows it don't pay
to be Mr. Nice Guy.

So Mr. Kimball
heard me mention to you
there might be oil here.

We're rich.
No, we're not rich.

Well, if there is oil,
we are.

I bet that's why Mr. Haney
was trying to buy this place.

Oh, no, he was trying
to buy it because
he heard...

the state might build
a highway through here.

Well, if they're going
to build a highway
and there is oil,

won't that be slippery?

Lisa, there is no oil.

[ Knocking ]
[ Haney ]
Mr. Douglas?

But there's a fella
who thinks there is.

Coming.

Stand up tall, fellas.
I'm giving you
to a beautiful lady.

Well, Mr. Haney.

Oh, thank you.

Wouldn't you like
to come in?

Oh, no.
I just stopped by
to deliver the posies.

- Oh, speaking of good luck--
- I don't believe we were.

Well, why don't we?
I wanna congratulate you
on your good fortune.

Oh, you mean about
discovering gold here.

Gold?
I thought it was oil.

I thought it was
the state highway.

Let's not fence around
the bush, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Kimball told me
about the oil.

Oh. And after I asked him
not to mention it.

Well, those things
have a way of slipping out.

Now, I'll probably
start drillin' next week.

- What do you mean,
you'll start drilling?
- Well, it's my oil.

- Your oil?
- That's right.

Mr. Douglas,
when I sold you this farm,

I retained
the mineral rights.

- It's in the fine print.
- Haney--

You're a lawyer.
You ought to know
about the fine print.

And the way things
look right now,

that print is mighty fine.

Uh, Mr. Haney,

you may own
the mineral rights,

but to get to the minerals,
you've got to cross this land,
right?

- Uh, right.
- And I own the land.

So just how do you think
you're gonna cross my land
to get to the oil?

I'm glad you left that
up to me.

Now, being the oil is mine,
and the land is yours,

I think you ought to get
a little something...

for letting me cross
your land.

Well, that's
very generous of you.
I agree.

Now shall we say, uh,

you get one-third
of one-half
of one percent?

Naturally,
that's on the net,
after taxes and expenses.

That way I'll wind up
owing you.

Oh, don't worry,
Mr. Douglas.

You can take
as long as you want
to pay me back.

Haney, the only deal
I'm prepared to make
is 50-50.

- 70-30 is fine with me.
- 50-50.

Well, if you're gonna be
narrow-minded about it,

let's say, uh, 60-40.

Haney, it's 50-50,

or you don't set foot
on this land.

I'll start drilling
tomorrow, partner.

You hear any gurgling,
Mr. Douglas?
Not yet.

Oh, it won't be long now
before that black gold...

comes a gushin'
out of the ground.
I can hardly wait.

I'll have millions.

We'll have millions.

Who are you?

I'm your partner.

Mr. Douglas, you ain't
gonna hold me to that
silly little agreement?

I certainly am.

Mr. Douglas, maybe this
ain't such a good spot
to drill.

Oh, it's a very good spot.

It's right close
to the house, and--

[ Rumbling ]
Shh!

Here it comes,
Mr. Douglas.
Here it comes!

Millions and millions!

Millions and millions,
barrels and barrels!

All over the place.

Mr. Haney--
Yachts, limousines,
mansions--

Mr. Haney--
Look at it, Mr. Douglas,
just look at it.

I am looking at it.

Did you ever see oil
that color?

It's white oil.
That's even better.

Mr. Haney, that's water.

Water?
Yes.

And I want to thank you.

Ever since
you sold me this place,

you've promised
to drill me a new well,

and you finally
got around to it.

Oliver, that wasn't
a very nice thing
of you to do to Mr. Haney.

He thought he was going to be
a big oil typhoon.

Don't feel sorry
for Mr. Haney.

It's about time
somebody taught him a lesson.

[ Machinery Running ]
What the--

Mr. Haney!
Oh, Mr. Douglas, I hope
I ain't disturbing you.

What are you doing?
I just went
into a new business.

There's big money
in pure spring water.

Oh, all right.

As long as I get
half of the profits.

Mr. Douglas, you fouled up
on the fine print again.

The contract
specifically says...

that you get half
the profits of oil.

It does?

Yeah, and if we find
any oil in that water,
you can have half of it.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.