Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 12 - Jealousy, English Style - full transcript

Over Lisa's objections, Oliver plans on attending a farm symposium alone. To watch over her, he hires a charming young British man as a temporary farm hand. Determined to go along, Lisa plots to make Oliver so jealous of the handsome hired help that he wouldn't dare leave her behind.

[ Oliver ]
♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan
Just give me
that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ]
♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪



- ♪ Fresh air ♪
- ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪
- ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Lisa, you're not going.
And I say I am.

You're not.
I am.

I am going into Drucker's,
and I'll discuss it
with you later.

But Oliver--
Later.

It's later.
Do you want
to discuss it now?

How did you--
Do you want to discuss it?

No.

Oliver.

Lisa, you are not going,
and that's final.

Well, I have a final
of my own.
I am going.

I explained to you
why I can't take you.



Would you explain it again?
No.

You forgot
the phony story
you made up.

It is not phony.
None of the other men
are taking their wives.

Why not?

Lisa, will you stop
bumping into me?

Well, your taillight
isn't working.

I'll get it fixed.

Hold it.
Oh, for--

Well, you didn't
explain it to me.
Why not?

Why not what?

Why not aren't the other fellas
taking their wives? Why?

Because it's strictly
for men.

Oh! It's a stag party.

No, it's not a stag party.

It's a farm symposium.

- What's a symposium?
- Well, a lot of men
sit around a long table--

And a girl
comes out of the cake.

No, no girl comes
out of a cake.

- What does she come out of?
- Lisa, it's just a bunch
of farmers...

sitting around a table
discussing farm problems.

But, Oliver, I'm not
going to stay here
all by myself.

Why not?
You've done it before.
That was different.

Eb was here,
and he wasn't away
on his honeymoon.

Oh, yes.
Well, I'll tell you
what I'll do.

When I'm in Drucker's,
I'll see if I can
get somebody...

to come out here
and stay with you.

- You mean a babysitter?
- No, I mean a hired hand.

I've gotta get somebody
to help out here
until Eb comes back.

I'll see you later.
Oliver?

- Yes?
- I understand how you feel.

If all the other fellas
aren't bringing their wives...

and you showed up with yours,
they'd think you were
henpecked.

- Yes, they would.
- Well, I can fix that.

I'll make the hotel reservation
for Mr. Douglas and Miss Jones.

Good-bye.

[ Grunting ]

Oh, come on, Arnold.
Make up your mind.

Sam ain't got all day.
Which lunch box
do you want?

[ Grunting ]

Ah, good morning.
Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

- Good morning, Arnold.
- [ Grunting ]

Mr. Douglas, which lunch box
do you think Arnold
oughta have?

Oh, that
square one's nice.

[ Squealing ]

I guess you and Arnold
ain't got the same taste.

Well, Arnold,
you better get going now.

You're 15 minutes late
for class.

And, Arnold, be sure
and put your name
on that lunch box...

so you don't lose it.

Darn kids
are so careless.
Yeah.

I say, where do you
want this, Mr. Drucker?

Oh, right over there
by the stove.

- What can I do for you,
Mr. Douglas?
- Well, I--

[ Squealing ]

Forgot to put his lunch
in his box.
Yeah, well--

Is there anything else
I can do around here,
Mr. Drucker?

Oh, uh, no.
No, that's a fine pile
of wood.

Help yourself
to some canned goods, Tony.

Oh, Mr. Douglas,
this is Tony Ashley.
How do you do?

How do you do?
Tony's from England.

He's tramping
across the country,
writing a book about America.

Oh, well, he oughta get
Mr. Douglas to help him.

He's always making speeches
about the American farmer.

Well, I--
Do that one
about the battling farmer...

standing on the bridge
shooting at the British.

No offense.

Mr. Ziffel, it's not
a speech about shooting
at the British.

No offense.

It's a poem--
"The Concord Hymn,"
by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Oh, you mean, uh--

"By the rude bridge
that arched the flood,

"their flag to April's breeze
unfurled.

"Here once the embattled
farmers stood,

and fired the shot
heard round the world."

Doggone.
You sure say that
better than Mr. Douglas.

- No offense.
- [ Muttering ]

Mr. Douglas has another one--
about planting the seeds
in the rich brown earth,

and watching 'em shoot up
towards the sun and the sky.

I don't believe
I know that one.

Well, you wouldn't want
to hear him say it.

It's pretty dull.
Mr. Drucker--

I wonder if Arnold
remembered to take his napkins.

Mr. Drucker, is there
anybody else around here...

who might need
some odd jobs performed?

Uh, Mr. Douglas might.

You said you was looking
for somebody temporary
to fill in for Eb.

Well, yes, I am.
Have you ever worked
on a farm?

My uncle owned
a dairy farm
near Cheltenham.

- Well, I do need somebody.
- Why don't you give him
a chance, Mr. Douglas?

Yeah. He couldn't do
no worse than you do.

Well, if you want to,
we'll give it a try.

Lisa. Lisa?

Oh, Oliver.
Oh. Oliver--

I called the hotel
in the state capital,

and they didn't have two rooms,
so I reserved one
for you and Miss Jones.

Uh, that's me,
otherwise known as Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa, this is Tony Ashley.

Tony, this is my wife,
"Miss Jones."
How do you do?

- How do I do what?
- Uh--

Lisa, Tony's
gonna work here
for a couple of weeks.

Oh? Are you going to be
my babysitter?

Well, I--
Uh, what my wife means is,
I wanted somebody...

to be here while I was
at the symposium
up at the state capital.

- That's a stag party
with farmers.
- It's not a--

Did anybody ever tell you
that you look like David Niven?

Uh, no, they haven't.

I don't think so either
because you spell
your name differently.

You can see
why I'm afraid
to leave her alone.

Come on, Tony.
I'll show you where
you're going to sleep.

Fine.
Charmed to have met you.

- Glad to have you abroad.
- "Abroad"?

You're what this farm
has always needed--
a good hand kisser.

Oh, Lisa, I'm starved.
Is it--

What are you using
all the good silver for?
Why, this is for Tony.

He's English,
and this is the way they eat.

They're very proper.
Oh.

Well, maybe I should have
put on a clean pair
of spats.

How's Tony doing?
Oh, fine.

He's a good worker.

I hope he stays
till Eb gets back.

What's for lunch?

Hotcakes.

Well, maybe I can
find somebody else.

I'm sorry I'm late.

[ Lisa ]
Oh, that's all right.

It's nice to see a man
wearing a jacket for lunch.

Isn't it, Oliver?
Yes.
Looks very nice.

I think everybody
should wear a jacket
for lunch.

If you'd like
to wear one,
go ahead.

Won't you sit down,
please?
Oh. May I?

Thank you.

Tony, after lunch
I think we ought
to start--

I hope you noticed
what Tony just did,
Mr. Douglas.

Uh, yes, I did.
I think we ought to start
near the south fence.

We certainly don't have
any trouble telling who is
the gentleman in this room.

Look, Lisa--

I say, I didn't mean
to cause any friction.

Oh, no, it's not your fault.

My wife's a little miffed at me
because I'm going to this
farm symposium,

and I'm not taking her
with me.

- If you were going, would you
take your wife with you?
- Well--

Lisa, it's not fair
to put him in a spot
like that.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you like
to have some hotcakes?

It's not fair to put him
in a spot like that either.

- Oliver.
- Lisa, will you please
get the coffee?

- Are you going to pull
the chair out for me?
- No.

Well, I just
wanted to show Tony
that you're not all bad.

Would you care for some,
Mr. Douglas?

Uh, no thanks.
I've eaten here before.

You're only going to end up
with a bent fork.

- [ Whispering ]
What do you suggest?
- The Pixley Diner.

Which would you rather have,
coffee or tea?

Tea, if you don't mind.
Thank you.

I hope it won't be
too strong for you.

Lisa, you make tea
with hot water.

What do you think
I made the coffee with?

How many lumps?

Oliver?
Mm-hmm?

- I want to talk to you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Are you listening?
- Mm-hmm.

The baby is coming.

That's nice.

You better go
and boil some water.

He's a good man
to have around
in a crisis.

Oliver?
Mm-hmm?

What you doing?
I'm boiling some hot water.

- What for?
- You're going to have a baby.

I already had it.

Would you mind
heating up some milk?

Sure.

What do you mean,
you had a baby?

I knew
you weren't listening.

Lisa, I'm trying to digest
these figures...

so I can speak intelligently
at the stag--
I mean, the symposium.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

Lisa, we had that all out.
Now, you're not going with me.

- I don't want to go.
- I am not going to change
my mind.

- That's okay with me.
- I don't care how you nag me,
I'm not--

What do you mean,
you don't want to go?

Well, you see, the reason
I wanted to go was,

because with Eb away,
I didn't want
to stay here alone,

but now that Tony is here,
I feel safer.

Oh. Well, good.

He's got very good manners.

Yes, he pushes a nice chair.

He kisses a good hand too.

Do you think he's handsome?

Well, he doesn't
turn me on, but--

Did you notice when he smiles,
what pretty teeth he has?

Oh, I don't notice those things,
ever since I sold
my toothpaste stock.

Well, they're very pretty.

They've got spaces
between them.

A lot of women think
that's very sexy.

Now what's sexy about it?

Well, I'm going
to feel very good...

with you away
and Tony here.

Mm-hmm.
[ Knocking ]

I beg your pardon.
I saw the light on
and, uh--

I see you've got the kettle on.
Are you boiling some water
for some tea?

No, uh, my wife
is having a baby.

Good night.

You grab a hoe.

We'll go out
in the tomato field
and I'll show you what to do.

[ Cow Moos ]

Before you do that,
you better throw some hay
down for Eleanor.

Yes, sir.

[ Vehicle Approaching ]

Ah, Mr. Haney.

I just stopped by
to congratulate you.

Is it a boy
or a girl?
A boy or a girl?

Oh, you don't know yet.
Well, it don't matter.

The little tyke
will soon sleep
happily--

in this magnificent cradle.

What the--
It was originally slept in
by Benjamin Franklin,

in his earlier years,
of course.

What are you talking about?

The infant that Mrs. Douglas
presented you with.

What makes you think
that Mrs.--

Everybody in the valley
heard her hollerin'...

for you to boil
hot water last night.

How could they
have heard that?

Whenever the wind blows
in just the right direction,

you can hear everything
that goes on here.

Mr. Haney, no matter
what you think--

Mr. Douglas,
I just fed Eleanor.
Oh.

Eleanor?
Then it's a girl.

Eleanor is the cow's name.

And you named
the baby after her.
How touching.

Mr. Haney, my wife
did not have a baby.

Then why did you hire
this English nanny?

He's not a--

Uh, Mr. Haney,
this is Tony Ashley.

He's filling in for Eb.

Pleased to meet you.
Tony, I'll catch up with you
in the tomato field.

It's over there
by the south fence.
Right-o.

Is he gonna stay here
while you go to that
there symposium?

Yes.
Probably makes you
feel pretty good,

having somebody like that
to look after her
while you're away.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's gonna be--

Be a nice change
for the missus too,

to have somebody around
to push her chair,
and kiss her hand.

My wife doesn't really
care about--

She sure must like him,
setting the table with
the good silverware for him.

- How did you--
- That come in
on the previous wind.

Mr. Haney, uh--
He sure is
a handsome feller.

Yes, he is.

Well, I wouldn't worry too much.

- About what?
- I guess it's always
the husband...

who's the last one to know.

Mr. Haney, what are you
talking about?

Well, you have a good time,
and while you're away...

I'll keep my ear
to the wind.

Did you say
these were tomatoes,
old boy?

Of course.
Hmm.

Is there some reason
for growing them so small?

Look, you just
cultivate them, hmm?

I say, what's that
over there?

Corn.

- Is there any reason
for growing it so small?
- Will you please--

Hi, Mr. Douglas.
Oh, hiya, Mr. Kimball.

Yeah, I just walked
through your cabbage patch.

Is there any reason
for growing them this small?

I just asked him
the same thing about
his corn and tomatoes.

You should see his apples.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, I don't think
we've been introduced.
Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

This is Tony Ashley.
Tony, this is Hank Kimball.

He's our county agent.
Pleased to make your
acquaintance, old chap.

- Oh, you have an accent.
- Oh, yes, Tony's from--

Don't tell me.
I got a great ear for accents.

No, it's this one.

- You mind saying something?
- What would you like
to hear me say, old boy?

Got it. Nebraska--
I'd say around Omaha.

- Cheltenham, England.
- Oh, Kansas.

I got a lot of friends
in Kansas.

Uh, well, not a lot.
There's uh-- Uh--

No, he was from South Dakota.

Come to think of it,
I don't think I've ever
been in Kansas.

I'd be glad to raise
the money for a trip.

That's very nice of you.
No, it isn't.
You're trying to get rid of me.

If you'll excuse me,
I'd better get to work.

Nice fella.

Yes. He's gonna work
around here for a while.

He is?
Oh! Before I forget--

Forget what?

I forgot.

- Look--
- I'm only human.

- Who told you that?
- Uh, I forget.

Oh, now I remember.

Hey, that was quite
a fight you had upwind
with Mrs. Douglas yesterday.

- Look, Mr. Kimball--
- I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but you were yelling
and the wind was blowing--

Well, why don't
you want to take her
to the stag party with you?

- It's a symposium.
- That the way you're
getting around the police?

- Yes, that's the way.
- Are you taking Miss Jones
with you?

Well, if you heard
everything else,
you must have heard that.

No, the wind shifted
about that time.

The only thing I could get
was two cows over
at Ben Miller's,

and they weren't saying
anything interesting.

Just for your information,
it wasn't a fight,
it was a discussion.

And I am going
to the symposium
by myself.

And you're leaving
Mrs. Douglas alone?

No. Tony is going
to stay with her.
Oh.

Well, if I were going
to pick a handsome,
charming man to stay...

and kiss my wife's hand
while I was away,

he'd be my choice too.

What do you mean
by that?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

He sure is a real Romeo.

Did you see the spaces
he has between his teeth?

- A lot of women think--
- I know what a lot
of women think.

- And you're not worried?
- Of course not.

Oh, boy.

Mr. Kimball, I don't like
what you're implying.

Oh, I'm not implying
anything.
Good!

Say, did you hear what happened
over at Crabwell Corners?
No.

Nothing.
Nothing ever happens
over at Crabwell Corners.

But Pixley, yeah,
there's a wild town.

Oh, yes, yes.
Pixley really swings.

Clint Swenson went
to this convention
by himself.

Wouldn't take his wife,
and when he came back,

he found his wife
had run off with a surveyor.

Mr. Kimball,
I am not the least bit--

Oh, well,
there's no connection.

Tony's just
a good-looking hired hand,

and well, the other fella
was a surveyor.

Look, I have heard
about all I need--

Mr. Douglas,
your boundary fence
is rather crooked.

If you like,
I'd be happy
to survey it for you.

Well,
have a nice trip.

Uh, Lisa,
I know this is
a stupid question,

But what--
I mean, what do you
think you're doing?

I'm pressing your pants...

so they'll be easy
to pack in your suitcase
for your trip.

Lisa, you don't--
I did your coat already.
The vest is inside.

Why didn't you just
send it to Pixley,
like you always do?

I was afraid you wouldn't
get it back in time
for you to leave tomorrow.

- I'm not leaving till Friday.
- I thought you might want
to leave early.

Are you trying
to get rid of me?

Of course not, darling.

Would you please
unplug the iron?
Yeah.

Uh, what are you
plugged in at?
Number six.

Oh, when do you think
you will leave?
I told you, Friday.

Well, in case I don't
see you before you go,
have a good time.

Why wouldn't you see me?

Lisa, would you like
to come with me?

- Where are you going?
- To the symposium.

- Do you really want me
to go with you?
- Yes, I do.

I don't want to.

I think you ought to
go ahead, enjoy yourself,
and don't worry about me.

I'll be in good hands
with Tony.

What do you mean,
in good hands?

I mean that--
What do you want me to do
with your suitcases, old boy?

Well, I--
I asked Tony
to clean them up for you.

- Hear you're leaving soon.
- Where did you hear that?

Well, I just assumed
you were anxious to get
to your stag party.

It's not a symposium,
it's a stag--

Well, that's
what he said.
I know what he said.

Whatever it is,
have a good time,

and don't give a thought
to Mrs. Douglas.

I'll take good care
of her.

What do you mean
by that?
Nothing, old boy.

- Stop calling me that.
- No offense, old chap.

- And don't call me that either.
- I say, what's wrong,
old man?

It's the "old" he objects to--

especially when there are
younger men around.

Put those
suitcases down.
Right-o.

Is there anything else?
No, thank you.

Well, you weren't
very nice to him--

especially now that he's
going to take over for you
while you're away.

Nobody's taking over
for me.

Why do you jump
on everything I say?

Are you jealous?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Well, you're pretty burned up
about something.

- I'm not burned up.
- Then why are you smoking?

I'm not--
[ Sniffs ]

Hey! Ooh!
You must have unplugged
the wrong plug.

You said it was plugged
into a six.

Well, I changed my mind.
Must be the icebox.

How do you know
it's not the washing machine?

Because the refrigerator
is "defrostrating."

Oh, that miserable--

As long as the iron
is still hot,

is there anything else
you want me to press?

Then you're really going?

Yes, I'm really going.

For a while there
I thought
you were jealous.

For a while I was listening
to those stupid insinuations.

Then you're not worried
about leaving me here...

with a handsome chair-pusher
with the spaces in his teeth?

- No.
- You don't care?

Watch it.
Of course I care.

I trust you.
Why?

Because we've been
married all these years,

and I have no reason
not to trust you.

That doesn't do a woman's
echo any good.

- Ego.
- Aren't you even
a little bit jealous?

- No.
- You're pretty sure
of yourself.

- Why shouldn't I be?
- You just take a woman
for granite.

No, I don't take you
for granite.

Then why don't you show
a little jealousy?

Would that make you happy?

Well, it wouldn't
make me unhappy.

All right.
Anything to make you happy.

No, no, no.
It's not to make me unhappy.

All right, I've got
about 15 minutes.

Would it help
if I shot Tony?

Well, that would show
a little emotion.

Fine. Do you know
where my gun is?
You wouldn't do that.

I might, if I were
really jealous of him.

You mean that?
Of course.
Lisa, I love you.

I'm not gonna let anybody
take you away from me.

That's all
I wanted to hear.
I'll see you Tuesday.

Where are you going?
To the symposium.

And you're going to leave me
all alone with Tony?

Okay. Lisa,
I want you to come with me.

Please come with me.

Well--

Pack your bags.
They're already packed.

What?
Tony put them
in the car.

Oh, for--
How long will it take you
to change your clothes?

Not long.

Come on.

Did he take her?

Gee, I don't know.
The wind changed.

[ Lisa ] This has been
a Filmways presentation,
darling.